Q&A: Drunk Daddy

This is the post that's been stopping me from posting this week. I couldn't get past it, but still don't know exactly what to say.

Amy writes:

"I have been searching your site and could not find advice or feedback on how to deal with Alcoholism in the home. My spouse is an alcoholic. I, as a first time mom, am finding the stress of juggling the sucking vortex of sleep disturbances/teething while watching the clock from 4:30 till 5:00pm(is he coming home from work or is he stopping for a "quickie" at the usual watering hole?) with the vigilance of a death row inmate wating for a stay/phone call from the governor before the lethal injection to be altogether too much for me. I am attending a weekly Al-anon meeting, and thank God I can bring the baby along. I stay at home and have been unable to get a sitter, let alone pay for one. We are living on one income and it is just not making it.  Also, I have a weekly family therapy session, and I have been taking the baby there too. It's a blessing that our insurance for mental heath care does not require a co-pay! And I can go up to 52 sessions a year! Whoo-hoo, cause I need 'em, I really do. Not only is motherhood kicking my ass, but feeling something like a single parent was something I hadn't bargained for.

    I say SOMETHING LIKE, because I am not faced with leaving my baby with a childcare provider or family member while going to work/school. Ugh. Hats off to you ladies and gents who are doing this alone! My mom did it with five kids and when I ask her for advice, she simply states, "honey, I can't even remember the Vietnam War. How am I supposed to remember how I fed/dressed/diapered 5 kids on a police cadet's salary in the sixities?

    So what to do, what to do. I feel like I cannot leave the baby in his care and get out of the house alone for a spell, which I need to do DESPARATELY-even if it is running errands on the Mommy Clock. That's if he even makes it home at a reasonable hour. By reasonable, I mean 7:30pm, for the whole bedtime routine. If he does make it home, he usually is pretty buzzed or completely innebriated, so much so that I cringe when he picks up the baby and walks around the house with him. Not like he's ever dropped him, but it still makes me nervous. So husband might spend 1/2 hour with baby a day, sometimes, and then he generally passes out in front of the TV. Husbands says he fell asleep, but I know better. Anyway, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, while I am concentrating on everything else that needs to be done, with safety first on my mind.

    I sent a few questions your way this week regarding sleep and routine, etc., etc., and I feel my husband's behavior (not spending time with our child, walking funny, talking funny when he is home) is contributing to Grumpy's overall development, bar none the loosey-gooseyness of our ever deteriorating schedule.

I am trying to get husband involved, with bath time and feeding (we are in our first week of cereal 2x a day) but he can't be here at any given time after work hours.

Should I give up, or will pressing the importance of the routine issue become a routine in itself? He won't change diapers sober, but he dotes on the baby after a few beers, let me tell you. Help! I feel like I am searching for the tv remote in the bedcovers at night without waking the baby in bed with me, and all I have to search with is a single foot and a dim light at the end of the hall.

    How can a girl find a free sitter? What are sitters charging nowadays? Who can you trust? My son, 6 months old, is going through that clingy,teething,no-sleep stage; so in a way, I feel the idea of handing him over to someone else is an impossible dream, and therefore a moot point.What options do I have? My sanity is involved here. I am nursing him round the clock, and daddy won't give a the baby a bottle, unless he's been drinking, and even that takes timing. Shit. This truely sucks.  

    If you choose to consider posting this, please, you have my thanks. However, once I send this email, I will delete it from my sent messages. I just don't want any more confrontation from husband. It's hard enough getting to a weekly meeting; he's so defensive and in denial."

Oh, girl. I'm just so sorry. This email is sucking the fight out of me just reading it, so I can't imagine how it must be to be living it.

First, get a free web-based email address from gmail.com or yahoo.com or hotmail.com that's just yours. Don't let him know  you have it, and clear the browsing history of your browser before he comes home. Then email me back.

Now, here's what I want you to know, even if you can't do anything about it right now: This is not your fault, and you are built for something better than living in fear of someone in the throes of a disease he can't control and is denying. You are meant for something more, Something far better, and something that makes use of who you are and what you can be. And your son deserves far better than he's getting right now, too. You're going to have to leave. Even if you can't do it now, you know it. When you're ready to, you will. Thousands of women have done it and are doing it, so you can, too. And we'll be right here to help you.

And it's not safe for him to be in charge of your baby. When he's sober he might be a wonderful guy. But alcoholism changes people and makes them behave in ways that are not rational. Until he gets into recovery, you cannot trust him with your son. And there is nothing you can do to get him out of denial and into recovery. Your job is to protect your son and yourself. You are the family unit at this point, because your husband is allowing himself to be absent and dangerous. Asking for or trying to get help and responsibility from him is simply not an option, because he's deep into this illness and just can't be trusted.

It sounds like what you need right now is a friend with a child who can trade some babysitting with you. You can leave your child with her for a few hours and then she can leave her child with you for a few hours. (But please please don't take her child while your husband is home--his active alcoholism makes it an unsafe situation.)

I don't have personal experience with Al-Anon or AA, but from my outsider's perspective I wonder if you could approach anyone in your group to ask for some help. It sounds like the alcoholism is making *you* feel ashamed and is limiting your social contacts, and that's tragic. You need all the support you can get right now. Can someone who's been (or is in) either Al-Anon or AA comment about whether she could approach other people in the group, or if that's not something that's done? It just seems to me like those are people with whom Amy wouldn't have to pretend that everything is OK.

This post is dedicated to the memory of D.E., who died yesterday at the age of 37 from complications of alcoholism.

Does anyone have any words of support or advice for Amy? Any women who've gotten out of alcoholic situations? Any people who grew up in alcoholic homes? Any women who are crying reading this like I'm crying typing it?

Comments

[Anon]

I am certainly tearing up reading this situation, but I don't know what I can contribute besides sympathy and support. I agree with Moxie here: You must leave this man at some point in the future, and you must understand that you are worth more than suffering in his shadow. There is a lot of alcoholism in my and my husband's family, and he has frightning tendencies towards such behavior. I told him before we had children, and when his behavior has moved towards irresponsibility since, that I WILL LEAVE HIM and will not live like his mother did with his father if he goes too far. It scares me and I'm not anywhere close to living in the situation you're in.

Sadly, you are far from alone here. And I cannot imagine the rage and exhaustion you must be facing every day. Please take care of yourself. I hope other commenters have more concrete suggestions for how you can handle your specific problems.

[Maria]

Al Anon, Al Anon, Al Anon. They're in the phone book. Call, find a meeting and go. You can take your baby. If you don't like the first meeting, go to a different one – they have different flavors, different tones depending on who the regulars are, but you will find people there who understand what you're going through, people who have been there themselves in the past, and people who are still there. Talk to people, find someone who seems approachable, or someone whose words you relate to, or just whoever you're sitting next to, and after the meeting say hi, tell them one thing about your day or your week or whatever you feel like. Just open the door.

You're welcome to email me, maria at davidgrover dot com.

[Anonforthisone]

Totally crying here. Grew up with alcoholic father. Never knew whether it was a "happy drunk day" or an "angry drunk day". I was always on edge. Always tense. Always scared. Even when he was happy drunk, because I the line is fine and easily crossed. And, I am sorry to say, I carry a lot of resentment towards my mum for tolerating his behaviour. Even now, she is angry at me for not choosing them as guardians in our will. I would aboslutely choose my mum, if it was just her. But.... having grown up in an alcoholic house I will never EVER tolerate the same for my son.

Amy, I'm sorry that's not really helpful. But I agree with what Moxie has to say. Not dropping the baby does not mean your DH is not harming the baby. And it won't be long before baby is going to be old enough to pick up on the tension of the 5 p.m. "when is he coming home" question.

So, practical suggestion. Are there any gyms in your area that have childcare? There are some here that you can drop baby off for, say, an hour for $2.00 while you go work out. I have been known to NOT work out, but simply plant myself in the gym concession and read a book. It's not much, but it would be a break.

[anonforthisone]

This is going to be short because I don't have much time, but I have a few ideas. I'm not sure how large a community Amy lives in, but definitely check out the following if they exist where she is:
1. Local YM/YWCA: both often have really great programs for mothers and children. Some even offer free daycare. Even if it for when you are supposed to be working out or swimming, make use of it. Even for half an hour might help. But they might also have bigger programs or the resources to tell you where you can find what you need.

2. La Leche Group: Also will have mother-centred connections to help right now. Even if it is a support group. Go!

3. Local library: Many will have programs for the kids. Go, meet some mothers. Find someone (librarian, other mother) who you can trust. They might know of something in the community that can help.

Amy, I'm not in your situation, but I do remember growing up with a father who often wouldn't come home for dinner. My mother would often have to call various bars to find where my dad was and she'd have to pick him up. She never left him and our family seems to have no remembrance or acknowledgement of that period. But I remember. I still wish my mother had left him.

I live in a community that offers 'respite daycare' for free for two half-days a week. It's amazing. My older son is in it now and my younger is on the waitlist. I don't know how common these programs are, but for your sake, I hope they are in your community. Search it out with the help of those I suggested above.

You are doing an amazing job. Your son is very lucky to have you. He will get through the teething (my youngest is at this stage right now and this alone is putting me on the verge) and you will survive this. It's hard, but I can tell you are strong and loving. You will make it.

[enu]

A million hugs, Amy. This is so sad, and must feel so overwhelming.

It sounds like you're putting forth an heroic effort to keeping it all together and going to Al Annon and all those good things.

I'm not going to say you should leave your husband. But I am going to advise you to become independant, now, rather than getting backed into a more desperate corner. I think you need your own economic security. And going back to work, harsh as it may seem to leave your child, will provide you with the means to secure his future if things deteriorate further with your husband.

I hope Al Anon can help you come up with ways to ensure limits that will help keep your son safe around his father. And I hope so much that your husband is able to turn his life around and get back on track.

[Maria]

Ok, REALLY sorry, don't know how I could have missed the part about how you're already going to a weekly Al Anon meeting! Sorry sorry sorry.

One more thing though, having read Anon's post after mine went up… I would gently say no one knows whether you must or must not leave your husband. That is entirely your decision and not one that you need to make at any specific time. He may or may not find help, you may or may not decide to leave for a whole constellation of reasons, and your decision may or may not be the one someone else would make in your shoes.

You can still email me, if you don't mind the fact that I'm a bit of a ditz…

[Amanda]

My heart goes out to you as a mother and mental health provider. You need this man away from your child before he starts to have memories of this toxic situation. What you describe (husband carrying child around after drinking) is or can be considered child abuse or neglect in every state in this country. You need to protect your child. I am not trying to scare you, but want you to understand the direness of this situation. Children's Services would investigate a report like this. As for getting help with daycare - I think it was already posted, but many counties have respite child care available, or definitely as someone at Al-Anon for help. You need a break! I remember those hard days alone - get some support, and get out.

[Kristie]

Oh my. I am here crying with you as I read. Boy.

I have to agree with Moxie. I think you need to leave. To protect yourself, to protect your baby and hopefully to give your husband the wake-up call he needs to get into a treatment program. Or at least, like Enu says, get some economic independence in case things deteriorate further and you HAVE to leave immediately but can't.

I don't have first hand experience, but my mom grew up with an alcoholic father. My grandmother worked to support four children because my grandfather didn't always bring home his paycheck. My mom has told me several times that they would have been better off without their father.

You deserve so much better. Your son deserves a healthy dad. And he needs a good role model for the kind of husband/father he will grow up to be. Oh, my heart is breaking for you.

[ACJ]

I am thinking that if you can't find child care, you probably don't have any options either for some place to go live if you did consider leaving. That said, I wanted to remind us that leaving a marriage isn't the same as ending a marriage. It's a really important distinction for those of us who for whatever reason feel strongly about marriage being a forever choice. Leaving the bad just means making space for you and your children to grow away from something harmful and opening the door for a toxic partner to understand how deeply the need for change runs. As long as things remain the same, I think it's almost impossible for the other person to get how serious things are. This can be done while still maintaining a commitment to the marriage as almost a third party - there is no infidelity, no cleaving, just space-making.

Not sure that is the issue, but I wanted it out there.

As for practical options, I didn't catch where your mom or 4 siblings are but are any of them options for a short- to mid-term stay?

We have an 11 year old neighbour who is a perfect mothers' helper. Cheap and eager to play with baby and gives me an hour or two to nap or clean the bathroom - any kids out there in your 'hood who could do the 4 - 6 shift with you after school?

May you be given clear vision for your next steps...

[Johanna]

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. Part of me feels that Amy should make a plan to leave. All of me feels like she should become financially independent. But part of me also knows that alcoholism, like all else in the world, isn't black and white; I loved my mother then and do now but simultaneously hate her and the things she did. I would not have been better off without her, but with different choices - she needed to make different choices about treatment, my father needed to make difference choices about holding the family together.

So I'm not saying that Amy shouldn't leave - from this little piece of the story it sounds to me like leaving should be a serious consideration. I guess I just wanted to say that I can understand and relate to the huge gray area of alcoholism.

[jesse]

I have a hard time reading this one. My dad is an alcoholic, currently dying from the disease, and I have almost no relationship with him whatsoever. His behavior has wrecked my mother, made her a shell of her former self, I am a recovering alcoholic, my brother has emotional problems... on and on and on. My entire life has been defined by my father's disease. I moved 2000 miles away from my hometown when I was old enough to do so and it saved my life.

To the question poser, please get out. It will ruin you over time, ruin your child in ways you can't imagine. My mother is still with my father and she continues to suffer. We all continue to suffer because of it.

Alanon is an awesome place. I guarantee that if you share your story at a meeting there will be a million grandmas more than happy to help you out with whatever you need. Not only will it help you, but it will help them. Doing service for others is one of the cornerstones of Alanon/AA and people who are in recovery (whether it is recovery from alcohol or recovery from the emotional mess of dealing with an alcoholic) need to help others to maintain their own sanity and recovery. Please give those ladies the opportunity to do something good for another person. It will probably make a huge difference in their life. Not to mention yours.

@Anonforthisone I grew up with the same type of dad. I used to think he had several different personalities. He still does. It puts a shiver down my spine even thinking about it.

I have 7 years sober as of this November.

[Cloud]

Oh, Amy, big hugs to you. I have no practical advice that hasn't already been given. I will say that if anyone I had ever been friendly with called me and said she needed a break, and could I watch her (no doubt adorable) little baby for a few hours, I would do it. Even if I hadn't heard from her for years.

I will also say that if you WANT to leave your husband, and what you need to do to leave is to get a job, and the thing that is stopping you is leaving your son in day care, please know that it is not as hard as it probably seems to you now, at least not after the initial adjustment period. My daughter went into day care at 5 months old. The first week or two was really hard. But then she and I settled into the new routine, and we are both thriving now. (She is almost 18 months old.)

Good luck. You will find your way out of this!

[Suki]

I am crying reading it. I am so sorry. It is so hard being a new mother and I can't imagine the added stress of what you are going through. I am sorry, but I do believe like Moxie said that for both you and your son you need to leave. I was thinking of inspiring stories of new mothers making it without the help of a partner and Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions came to mind. It's such a wonderful book. It might help to lift your spirits a tiny book and give you a picture of how wonderful it can be to be a single mother if you can surround yourself with the right supports. Do you have drop in centres in your areas for parents? I am in Canada and we have 'early years centres' where you can leave your baby/tot for a couple hours at a time with qualified people, for free. It is a God-send for many. Can you look into resources like that in your community? Call on a friend? A trusted neighbour? I wish you strength and eventual peace. You do deserve so much better than this, and your son most definitely deserves better, and it is up to you to ensure that he is protected and safe and secure and not surrounded by the fear and insecurity that must be permeating your household. My thoughts and prayers are most definitely with you and your son.

[Shandra]

I am so sad for the OP.

Here's the thing: your child is 6 months old right now. What I'm going to say may be overwhelming because, of course, you are just trying to make it through the day.

But. What happens when your child is 2.5 and does something normal around your husband when he's drunk? Leaves cars out that are trippy? What happens when he's 4 and says "you're WEIRD daddy" to him?

How long do you think you can survive if you try to throw yourself in the middle as your child gets older and in many ways more complicated (if a better sleeper :))

You cannot wait for your husband to come around. You need to make a life that is secure without him right now. Those steps include seeing what social assistance is available to you now. Could you get a housing subsidy, welfare, food stamps? It includes getting ready to be the full single mom - job training or getting a job, finding childcare, getting backup childcare in line.

You do not have to do this alone. Get your therapist to get you in touch with community agencies, whatever. But you need to start today, just baby steps, but today.

Your current life is not sustainable and you cannot depend on your spouse to change it.

Please update us if you can; you will be in my thoughts.

[Zoe]

:(

Although your son may be too young to realise now, it won't be long at all before he picks up on what's going on. Even though the words "drunk" are never used, or even if the father was never around the son while drunk, this sort of a tense family environment *will* impact the child.

I grew up in an alcoholic home without knowing it for years and years. Eventually my mom left my dad, but looking back, I see all those signs and all those things that mean that my parents were too busy trying to survive their own life in order to be able to pay enough attention to their kids. Something should have been done LONG before.

I agree with other posters, you need to get some economic security so that you can have some choices. The situation may be tolerable now, it may even improve, but chances are it's going to get worse, and you may find yourself being ready to leave - you need to have somewhere to go. Your husband might then finally get the wake-up call that he needs, or he might not. In either case, you are not responsible for his recovery, only for your own and your child's health and wellbeing. And if that doesn't involve his father at this point in time... then that's what it is.

[mo]

Can't write much now but just wanted to say is it all possible for you to go stay with your mom for awhile (I'm gathering from your question that that isn't a local option for you) just you and your son? It wouldn't solve your long term issues (i.e., husband's alcoholism, whether to leave him, etc.) but it could give you a short term break and get you some help with your son and the ability to take a couple breaks while your mom watches your son (even if your mom still works, she could give you a break in the evenings). Also, might give you a chance to research options (albeit in a different community but that might make sense if you wind up leaving your husband) for daycare, jobs, etc. plus give you plenty of time to go to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings.

I really do feel for you. Sounds like such a rough situation. I know that sometimes I view my husband as one more thing that needs me and just another responsibility and he isn't an alcoholic. I am sure the added worries and responsibilities related to your husband's behavior is very overwhleming when you are also a new mom taking care of her 6 month old.

My heart goes out to you.

[perceval]

I would bet that somebodt from al-anon could babysit if you asked to give you some head space / you space

hugs. huge, massive hugs

[Christiana]

You need free babysitting? I know many people are anti-religion/anti-church but so many churches have Mommy's Day out, etc. Also, a church may have a great support system for you and I know that many would be happy to help you with child-care. Many teens involved in churches are incredibly generous as are some of the older people who would be happy to help you out occasionally. Just a thought, please don't take it as I'm trying to force religion down your throat, just giving a suggestion.

[Anon on Thursday]

It seems that the missing key to leaving this toxic situation is, of course, money. (Perhaps I’m biased; I’m in a similarly untenable situation that does not, thankfully, involve substance abuse, but I’m learning how hard it is to even contemplate leaving when you’re economically dependent on your partner.) So, how can you get some? And how long will it take you to accumulate enough to leave?

I wonder if you feel safe enough to permit yourself, say, a year to get some money together. If you have family or friends who are willing/able to loan you some money, don’t feel shy about asking. Those conversations might mean you have to reveal your husband’s alcoholism, and maybe that idea causes you some shame — but remember that you’ve done nothing wrong, that none of this is your fault, and that it’s your child’s well-being that you’re defending.

Is it possible to take on even part-time work as well? Perhaps not, if a sitter is unaffordable at this point. It sounds like your baby is going through a particularly needy stage, too, but that won’t last forever. (I have a ten-month-old, and he is so much easier to manage now than he was at six months.)

In the meantime you can talk to a Legal Services lawyer and find out about child support rules in your state. It sounds as if your husband is managing to keep his job despite his drinking, and remember that he’s legally obliged to provide financial help if you do divorce — and you can use some of that financial help to buy childcare so you can work. It won’t be just you on your own.

You know, you sound really strong and clear-headed despite the horrible stress of this situation. That strength will see you through in the end. Please re-visit this site at some point and let all of us know how you’re doing.

[hydrogeek]

Another product of an alcoholic home here. Growing up with an alcoholic father is not good. The tension, the guilt, all the horrible feelings, you pick up on it at a very young age. There are a pretty specific set of 'issues' that a child of an alcoholic home has to deal with as a grown-up, and they are not very fun. As others have encouraged, please make plans for an escape. Financial independence, an emergency place for you and the baby to go, a packed bag, and a tank full of gas at all times. With an alcoholic, you never know when things are going to get violent. I'm glad you're going to Al-Anon and therapy, that is a great first step. Maybe someone at those meetings would have ideas about how to get you some help with the baby? If you are in a large enough town the Y / gym suggestion sounds like a great one. Good luck. We are pulling for you. Please email if you would like.

[LauraC]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who sounds EXACTLY like your husband. He came home every single night drunk. We never knew if he would be happy or angry or sad. We never knew if he would tell us he loved us or if he would tell us he hated us and we were worthless.

I can not tell you the damage it did to me as a child living in fear like that. I developed an eating disorder and had to be hospitalized at under 90 lbs. Later I tried to kill myself.

I have been in thousands of hours of therapy and am now "normal." But I will never have a normal relationship with my father for all the ways he hurt me. And I'm still not sure I could have a normal relationship with my mom because she allowed this to happen. I know she was afraid and doing the best she could do, but I still don't have it in my heart to completely forgive her.

I know some people are saying "don't leave" but I have to say with my entire heart - LEAVE if he won't stop drinking. Moxie is right. You deserve more. Your child deserves more.

[rudyinparis]

Amy, I am so so sorry. My heart just goes out to you. You sound so brave and strong.

One foot in front of the other, right? One thing at a time. You're doing a great job.

However your relationship plays out with your husband--I most strongly agree that steps toward financial independence should be taken, so that you can have options.

There's no easy answer here. And at first I bet whatever money you make will largely go toward childcare... but one step at a time.

I'm thinking of you and rooting for you.

[meggiemoo]

My heart goes out to you. My DH grew up with alcoholic parents, and they're still the same today. They have never, and will never babysit our son, simply because they can't be trusted after 4 pm. I've seen the effect it's had on my husband and his siblings...they've all suffered for it.

I'm hoping that you can reach out to someone in your life as you did to Moxie...someone who can give you concrete help so you can find the space to become financially independent.

I think a single parent who's responsible, loving and present is worth far more to a child than living with this stress.

Your husband won't change on his own...why would he? In his eyes, everything probably seems fine. You're still there, his baby's still there. If you can find the strength to leave him, it will be a blessing for him as well. He'll be able to step back and see the consequences of his actions, and just maybe, save his own life.

[Alma]

What a very hard situation. It sounds from your email that while there are many troubles right now, arranging some respite care for yourself is at the top of your list.

Why is respite care a priority for you now? There are a lot of possible answers to that. Will it give you time to take of yourself? Will it allow you to catch up on sleep? Will it give you space and time to be able to step back from the rest of your circumstances to sort out what needs to happen next for the best outcome for your baby, yourself, your family? Does it refocus your attention away from the addiction? Or all of those things?

Knowing why you need it, will help you figure out what do to next and where to turn for the respite care you need.

anonforthisone gives some good starting points for identifying the resources that could help you find respite care services. YWCA/YMCA is often an especially good place to start.

You make reference to family therapy, is that for you and your husband? How is that going? Does your need for respite care come up there? How about his addiction? You probably know that when addiction is part of the matrix of problems, the best chance for other problems getting worked out is for the addiction to be addressed first. Addiction distorts the addict, distorts the addict's ability to participate fully and honestly in solving other problems. Addiction distorts the family too, distorts your ability to attend to other important issues of concern to your family, distorts how you see the addict, how you see yourself.

Many people are suggesting you leave now or later. It's not really that simple, though, is it? There are some good reasons you haven't left yet. Some are practical, some are emotional, no? As important as knowing why the current situation is bad is knowing what's good about it.

You don't say where your husband is at in the behavior change process. Is he aware he has an addiction problem? Is he aware but ambivalent about changing his drinking behavior? Is he aware and wanting to stop drinking now making plans for treatment? Is he post-treatment but relapsed?

You have found Al-anon and that is an important resource for you in all this right now. Do what you can to stay connected to people/places outside your family. And do not be afraid to look at the truth of your situation right now. Your situation may be quite painful. Seeing that pain for what it is won't make it worse, it will free you to see more clearly, to listen more deeply, and to find your way. Keep going, keep thinking, keep listening, keep talking.

[hush]

Amy - You are doing the best you can, and I want to let you know that I believe you are strong enough to survive this. You're making some very good choices right now by going to weekly Al-Anon, by going to weekly family therapy, and by RECOGNIZING that the dynamic is terribly hurtful in your home, and that you can never leave your baby alone with his dad. I admire you for loving your little baby so much and for being such a good mama to him. Oh, Amy. I can feel from your words how emotionally drained you feel, how overwhelmed you are, and how uncertain you are about tomorrow.

Your immediate question is how to find a sitter. Anonforthisone (@11:19am) listed some options that I think could work well for you. As for the much larger question of "Where do we go from here?," what I want to offer you is a couple of things I know to be true: 1) Your child won't be damaged if you leave now, while your son is still an infant. 2) Your child won't be damaged if you entrust him to the care of a recommended babysitter you feel comfortable about while you work to economically support your family. I can understand how scary the idea of leaving must be, because it would seem to mean you could no longer stay home, and you'd have to spend less time with your son. I know how much you're craving some predictability, and to make the choice to get out could mean a lack of a routine for awhile, and that has to feel a little scary, too.

But you can do it. Think about how much LIGHTER you could feel someday. And how your son would THRIVE, enjoying a mom who looks forward to her tomorrows, with a calm certainty about her that they'll be good days. You are never alone, Amy, and I know you'll get through whatever you decide.

[JJ]

This is only tangential, but since Moxie brought up how to get anonymous email, I'd like to mention a potential problem for those who might be (justifiably?) paranoid.

If you think that your spouse, or from anyone in your home, is spying on your email, you should consider using a public, or a friend's, computer.
There are coming to light cases where spouses are spying on each other using spyware that takes photos of your desktop, which means images of what you're typing as you're typing it, then secretly transmitting the data off of the computer. You can have passwords and/or anonymous accounts, but it won't make a difference if he/she sees images of the computer screen as you type.
Here's a link to a Florida case that addresses the software program "Spector":
http://www.5dca.org/Opinions/Opin2005/020705/5D03-3484.pdf

[LauraC]

One more thing I wanted to share, from the viewpoint of a child of an alcoholic. I would recommend reading the book "It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing up with Addiction" by Claudia Black. An excellent resource in addition to the other Al-Anon resources.

I realize my previous post may have been negative. I know it's not a simple change to just leave. I just wish every spouse to an alcoholic had an understanding of what it does to children. I can't recommend that book enough.

[Firsttimeanon]

I read this site all the time, but this is my first time commenting, I could have written a very similar email to Moxie myself.

Like Anon on Thursday commented, I believe that money is very important here, as is your gaining independence from your husband. I don't think you should tackle this as 'ok, I'm going to set out to leave my husband', as many posters today are suggesting, because quite simply, in this situation, I think that is an incredibly overwhelming task and is not likely to be easy to achieve.

I think it's more realistic to start taking little steps in the direction of independence, so that if in the future you should want/need to separate from your husband, you can do so rather easily. You're on the right track with Al-Anon and counseling, other things I would suggest include contacting a lawyer about your rights (there are many free legal resources in many communities, check with Legal Aid), looking into getting a job and daycare, and while in counseling, work on trying to gain more emotional independence from your husband (i.e., don't worry about having him involved in the routine, if he helps, that's great, but be prepared to do it yourself). I think that one of the tricky things about living with an alcoholic is learning to have no expectations of them at all; they have a disease, and until they are willing to do something about it themselves, there isn't much you can do about that, no matter how frustrating it is.

Take things one step at a time, working only on the things that you have the ability to change (not your husband's behavior, unfortunately), and hopefully you'll find your way on a better path with your son in the near future. It may be a long journey.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

[toomuchstrong]

Oh Amy, I LIVED this under different scenarios (my father was an alcoholic, my grandfather was an alcoholic, my stepfather was an alcoholic)...How do you stay sane? You sound so together...My God. You are asking about routines and sitters...I take my hat off to you. I remember my father stumbling around, I remember my grandfather throwing up on the street while taking me for a walk, I remember the monthly ambulances showing up at our house for my stepfather....The fights, the resentment, the shame, the depression, the deterioration of "normal".
My mother left my father when I was little, but somehow ended up with another alcoholic 10 years later. However, during those 10 years, I NEVER once missed my father. He was out of my life completely (he still is). My stepfather drank himself to death by age 52, but I still ended up spending about 6 years under the same roof with him. It was miserable.
Please, if you have any way of getting out of this situation, do it now. No one deserves to be living like this.

[Nonny]

I have no experience with alcoholism, but my husband is in a 12 step program for rage so I feel some kinship to Amy. In my case, he was a great husband and dad except every couple of months something would set him off and he would get nasty, really mean. It was like he had just exploded. The last time it happened we got into a physical fight. I know that 99% of people would tell me to leave immediately, that if he hit me once he'd hit me again. (So far, he has not hit me again and I believe he won't.) I made it very clear that he needed to seek immediate help with anger management and prove that he was dead serious about it, or I would leave him. The secondary part of that "threat" (I use quotes because it was not an empty threat at all) was that if I left I would have to move 3000 miles away because of our financial situation. The next day he called Rage-aholics (there really is such a thing) and started going to meetings.

I don't know if an ultimatum would help here, I really don't, because everyone is different. But I do feel that leaving isn't always the right choice, and I suspect Amy does too since she hasn't mentioned that as an option.

I'm writing this anonymously because I haven't talked about our problems on the internet, but I used my real email address. If Moxie or Amy wants to talk to me, please use it.

[toomuchstrong]

Oh Amy, I LIVED this under different scenarios (my father was an alcoholic, my grandfather was an alcoholic, my stepfather was an alcoholic)...How do you stay sane? You sound so together...My God. You are asking about routines and sitters...I take my hat off to you. I remember my father stumbling around, I remember my grandfather throwing up on the street while taking me for a walk, I remember the monthly ambulances showing up at our house for my stepfather....The fights, the resentment, the shame, the depression, the deterioration of "normal".
My mother left my father when I was little, but somehow ended up with another alcoholic 10 years later. However, during those 10 years, I NEVER once missed my father. He was out of my life completely (he still is). My stepfather drank himself to death by age 52, but I still ended up spending about 6 years under the same roof with him. It was miserable.
Please, if you have any way of getting out of this situation, do it now. No one deserves to be living like this.

[Goldilocks]

Shanda makes a very good point. What works to muddle through the days and nights with a baby isn't the same as life with a toddler. There's more noise, more limit-testing, more stuff in little pieces on the floor... and the humbling realization that they're carefully watching to learn about what your family considers appropriate behavior. Start thinking about what sort of man you want your son to grow up to be. And then think about what steps you can put together to help him realize your dreams -- and his.

One other thing: quality childcare can be a very valuable experience for both mom and child. The kiddo gets to form trusting relationships with people other than you, and to learn that you will always come back, no matter what. In the very big picture, you get one more person on the planet who loves your son. That's a great thing to have in your pocket when the going gets tough.

[hedra]

Hoo. I've had to delete two replies so far. Both long ones, by the way. You know me.

Some thoughts:

1) I don't know how to get the help per-se, but ask: a) at alanon, b) at counseling, c) at churches, even if they're not your church, d) county help-line, e) any help line, f) women's shelters.

2) Do you have an exit strategy? You sound defeated and trapped, and that to me usually means 'no exit strategy'. Use the counselor to work one out - conditions for exit (exact ones, not vague - my mom's exit conditions were 'touches me or the child in a harmful way' - and she held to that, though I really wish she'd moved *before* my brother was thrown against a wall).

3) Do you have a life-after-this plan? What's the possible job options? What skills do you need to get NOW, should you need to get the job in six months? Writing out a plan may seem dreary, but take one step on the plan and you'll probably feel better. That's the security/independence need thing. You have to be in a place where you CAN survive on your own, because that's the place where you can do the most good for everyone - even if you stay.

4) Have you considered the lessons your son is learning now? Because cognition is sufficient at 6 months to understand if-then. If it is dark and daddy comes home, mommy sounds scared. If it is dark, and daddy hasn't come home, mommy sounds scared and angry. They read emotions very well at this age, so he is reading yours. And his dad's. And he's picking up those lessons - this is what it means to be a man, this is how women are treated in my family, this is what life is about, these are the feelings that we avoid because they're too dangerous, those are the feelings we allow. These lessons go through clearly starting now (and some may already be well developed) - for my family, yours, anyone's - they learn what we model. take a good look at your model and your husband's, and decide if this is what you want to teach.

And good luck. My dad stayed too long with my step-mom. His mom stayed until his dad left, before that - he was 3 or so, but he still learned that you suck it up and stay with the one who makes you hurt the most.

[wow]

Amy,
I hope you are gleaning what you need from these comments. I think it's very easy to tell you to leave your husband. I am in a similar place, and it's completely overwhelming to think about leaving.

My kids are 6 and 3. His drinking has gotten MUCH worse in the last 2 years. I am still trying to formulate a plan. But in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself. It sounds like you understand that.

I would almost advocate to try living your life (until you decide things should change) knowing you cannot rely on him at all. Don't worry about when he will come home. You will go about your day anyway. You will take care of your son and yourself anyway.

I might try to set some boundaries with your husband. It is a disease that he cannot deal with without recovery. I told my husband there were two rules: don't drink and drive, do not drink in front of the kids.

Then set up the consequences and follow through.
For me it was, if you break the rules you go to recovery. If you choose not to go to recovery, we leave.
It doesn't mean you have to leave right now. It means you are taking back control of your life and protecting your son.

write me at tisdale at gmail dot com

[snickollet]

Amy, I'm so sorry.

My dad was an alcoholic. He's almost 20 years sober now, and I'm proud and happy to say that he and I have an amazing relationship now. It's not really a parent/child relationship, but it's a great friendship, and we can speak the language of recovery together thanks to his AA and my Al-Anon. It's incredible.

My dad left my mom when I was five. My mom was completely blindsided. She knew he was drinking, but had no idea he'd leave.

Obviously, my personal experience colors my perspective, but if there's one universal truth to alcoholics, it's that they are totally unpredictable. Were I you, I'd work on creating a routine with your son that does not involve your husband. If he's home and is in a condition to help, fine, but get a routine established that works for you and your son, just the two of you. Believe me--I know how much is sucks to do it all alone, as my husband died when my twins were 9 months old--but you can't count on your husband to be there. If you start thinking like a single parent now, you can stop being disappointed every time he's *not* there since you won't be expecting him to be there at all.

I hope that if you want to leave him, you can--that you have the financial and emotional stability to do so. Talk to people and get phone numbers at Al-Anon. People there can and will help you. Lots of people care about you and your son.

Know that there is a whole community of people out there pulling for you right now. Know that you are a woman of dignity and grace. Hold that baby tight.

[Michael]

Another thought: you might consider using Google's new Chrome browser, which allows you to open an "Incognito" browser window which does not record your history or web usage. That way you can have some privacy to deal with this without having to make it obvious that you're wiping out your web history ever 2 days.

Also, you could sell it that it's a cool new technology you heard from a friend, and that it will help you use google apps like Google Maps.

[Anon]

This made me cry and my heart just goes out to you, Amy. I'm so glad that you realize that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child and that you're doing that in a few ways.

I just skimmed the comments, so I apologize for any overlap. I'm not sure where you live, but in some areas there's a strong parent network and in my area they have informal baby playgroups. I started going when my son was around 4 weeks old, so you know it's more for the moms than the babies. I was still with my son, but it was so good to get out and talk to other moms and commiserate and laugh. The other thing I did was send out a post on a local parent listserv to see if any other new moms wanted to meet up for coffee somewhere. That was also really good for my head.

If you don't know of any local list servs, try googling, or your local La Leche League would probably also know of some.

I hope that you keep in touch with Moxie because I know that I'll be thinking of you often and sending you positive thoughts, and I'd love to know how you're doing.

[Windy]

I didn't read through all the suggestions so I don't know if this has been covered, but many churches offer free or very low cost Mothers Day Out even if you aren't a member of their congregation.

Also, you might check with a few churches Women's groups or youth groups to see if any of the women or young ladies need to fulfill any volunteering goals or compassionate service goals. You may find free babysitters this way. As a former Mormon I know that the youth groups are always looking for "service" projects to donate time and energy to. You may also find several stay at home moms that wouldn't mind swapping time with you, where you could watch the kids at their house.

[SarcastiCarrie]

This is why I left "Mike". He was a great guy. Really great. Except after drinking. You never knew what would set him off. I'd try to do everything just right like I thought he'd like and one little thing would upset him. I couldn't dream of a future with children who can be messy and loud under the best of circumstances. Anyway....

Is your husband driving home from the bar to your house? If you want to push him a little closer to realizing he has a problem and getting help, you can tip off the police and get him a DUI. I know this would not help your financial situation and might also feel a little unethical to some, but sometimes people need help realizing that they are thisclose to rock bottom. Or, the added burden of him losing his license might be enough to drive you over the edge. You have options.

[anon (different one)]

Just wanted to comment on something I inferred from the OP. It seems like she has sort of dismissed the husband's alcoholism as not being as much of an issue because he is a nice drunk and actually "better" with the child when he's had a couple of beers. I'm guessing it will take a number of Al Anon meetings to help her through that. I am not saying that to be cruel - I see the OP as being a great mom and trying her best and I understand first hand how Alcoholism is a disease of sorts for the whole family.

My mom is an alcoholic but if you were to ask her, she'd say she isn't. When I was a child she had a period of more obvious alcoholism. Now it is just that she HAS to have a glass of wine (or two or three) each night and becomes visibly worried if that isn't available. I detest seeing her with any alcohol as I just know how she'll become. Not a mean drunk but still in my opinion a drunk (and in denial).

Last thing to add, if OP has not asked for help in her community because she's worried about letting anyone know her husband's addictions. I'm going to guess that anyone close to her already knows and just doesn't talk about it and is waiting for her to bring it up if she's want.

[Maria]

Whew, this is making me realize I should really get back to some Al Anon meetings! I am in no way in a dire situation, but I could definitely use a tune-up.

[Alexis]

This is a very small piece of advice but I'm sure if you reached out to the postpartum doulas in your community they would be happy to volunteer some time to give you a break so you can get out of the house, breathe, and get your bearings. There is no shame in asking for help - whenever we've been asked we've been honored to be able to make a difference for somebody who needs it. They also should be very well connected and might help you network to additional resources, groups, individuals who could support you while you figure out how to proceed.

Best of luck to you.

[Yet Another Anon]

Wow, I can't imagine dealing with all of that and a young baby, too. I think Amy is doing an amazing job keeping everything together.

I agree with the previous posters who mentioned that she should start working on an exit strategy. I think an exit strategy will make her more empowered. And then she'll be able to make the decisions she needs to.

My father was an alcoholic, but I seem to have had a very different experience than some other posters. My dad was a very high functioning alcoholic and as children we were unaware. In my case, I feel if my mom had left, it would have made everything worse for our family. It sounds as if Amy's husband is more erratic. And that his behavior negatively impacts the family more.

I know this was probably not terribly helpful, but I thought I should add a different perspective. Amy, good luck with your decisions. I will be thinking of you and your family.

[Brooke]

Not only do you need to get some financial independance in case you want/need to leave your husband in the future, you need to get some in case he loses his job. That is a very real possibility with an alcoholic. He may be highly-functioning now, but that doesn't mean he will always be. He may already be close to losing his job, you have no way of knowing.

You can do this. You don't need to be ashamed.

[Mary]

I don't have time to read through all the comments, but if it hasn't been suggested, have you looked into MOPS groups? Do a search through google. Basically you go and it's a bunch of moms bringing their kids. And there are times when you get to leave to go do whatever you want, and then times when you stay to watch other people's kids. It's like a babysitting exchange, but with a lot of kids. It's nice b/c you also get to meet other moms and your child will get to socialize. They also do classes that are informational. Just a thought. Good luck to you.

[anonnow]

My experience is more like Yet Another Anon.

My father was very high-functioning and although he was very quiet and moved slowly...I didn't know until I was older and began finding empties all through the house. Shortly after that he quit drinking, and then, boy, what a difference. Now it is clear that he was so subdued because of the drinking.

In my case (just as a story...this is not advice) I believe my life is better the way it unfolded than if it had resulted in divorce. I am glad it didn't get to that point. But it could have. He drove drunk many times. Who knows how that could have turned out.

It is possible that my mother, a very successful professional who owns a company, was able to weather the storm because she was not financially at his mercy. If he lost his job...she would have been worried but not adrift. If he had been in the role of sole support for all of us, well, it sure would have been a more pressing issue. She probably had a lot of fears (she didn't share nor would she) but financially, she was more independent. So I can see how that might lighten the load.

I sure wish he'd never had that problem...he's so smart and funny and interesting now, what would that have been like when I was 7 or 8? But for him, there was a good outcome in the end. No one made him stop drinking except himself, though. I fully believe that you just can't do that for someone. (which sucks, I know...)

[Mom2Boys]

Also one of OP main concerns seems to be getting her life on a schedule - totally understandable with the emotional chaos of living with an alcoholic. It really sounds like the mom has a good routine - it just falls apart when she tries to incorporate the dad. Trying to find a routine that her husband can be part of - that has more to do with her trying to deal with his alcoholism than the baby, imo. If you are reading, I totally understand the need for routine and normalcy. My mother is an alcoholic and she is completely unreliable and completely in denial and I spend way too much time trying to keep everything just so - so I can keep at bay that "the walls are crashing in" feeling that comes with too much disorder in my life. I think you are doing an amazing job of keeping it together and you sound like a wonderful mom!! I don't have any better suggestions for resources except that unless you are in a small community and trying to keep things a secret (even then people in Alanon will keep what you say private if you approach someone there for help), there will definitely be other moms/women out there willing to help you, esp. with giving you a short break here and there watching the baby. Even without the added stress of an alcoholic partner, I remember the hopeless/overwhelmed feeling of too many days and nights of taking care of the crying, not sleeping, must be held round the clock boy. Everyone needs help through that and I really hope the OP gets some and knows she is doing the best she can with where she is.

[Cathy]

I agree with the theme that taking the attitude that you're the only reliable parent in the family - and acting as such. Maybe not packing up and leaving tomorrow, but knowing that you are the one. And that you can do it. :^) (You may not want to, but you can.)

I was also thinking as I read the post that it sounds like you need an IRL friend - maybe not starting off with a sitter, but having someone who can take a turn holding the baby or playing with him while you're there. Or keeping you company while you go shopping, etc. It could be a neighbor kid who wants to get started running a babysitting business or someone you meet at a meeting.

The other thing I was thinking is that in Orlando we have 4-C, which stands for Community Coordiated Care for Children, which offers financial aid for child care. When my SIL was figuring out how to leave her crummy marriage, this is what she looked into. Perhaps there is a similar organization your area?

I also really liked the idea of the library as a place to meet other moms - look for story hours geared toward really little kids - ours has one geared toward kids who are < 1.

Also, if you're still not quite feeling like yourself yet from being post-partum, it makes it extra tough to make a big move. But it really does sound like you're working hard to take care of yourself.

[Julie]

I think it's beyond how to get support so you can get some space...the problem isn't you, it isn't your baby, it's the dangerous situation that you are trying to navigate every day. I cannot even imagine how stressed out you must be every day.

I agree with previous posters, you need to decide if you are going to stay or leave. I'm not going to advocate either one, but maybe try to sort out the best choice for you.....think about IF you decide to leave, what your life will be like 5 minutes after having made that decision, 5 months after having made that decision, and 5 years after having made that decision.

Then think about deciding NOT to leave. What will your life be like 5 minutes after deciding to stick around...5 months after deciding to stick around, and 5 years after deciding to stick around?

I think no matter what, I agree with everyone who has said that you must find some financial independence, and figure out a way to get a job. You have a tough road ahead of you, and I am thinking about you all day today....and am hoping to get some updates from you via Moxie about how you are doing. I'm praying for you and your family.

[CJ]

I'll say what others have said in that you're doing an amazing job coping, hon, and your baby is so lucky to have you for a mom. Even if you're down about yourself and your situation, don't doubt that you're doing your best for him and you two will make it through.