3 1/2-year-olds and the pain they cause

This is a special song that I like to call "WhywhywhwywhwywhyWHY????" It's going out to all of you who have a 3 1/2-year-old.

When I let you choose the popsicle flavor you want, and you still start squealing--WHY?
When I vault across a Lego tower to prevent your older brother from taking Mader out of your hand, and you still burst into wailing tears--WHY?
When I give you a hug and kiss and you respond, "Mama?! I *hate* you!"--WHY?
When I'm pouring the cereal into your bowl right in front of you and you keep on whining about how you want cereal--WHY?

Whyohwhyohwhyohwhy?
Why you wanna play me like that, sweet potato?

I feed you, love you, hug you, kiss your boo-boos, divide the cookies into two equal parts so you get your share,
I'm giving up the best years of my life and my stomach looks like it's been mauled by an angry lion from the stretchmarks and let's not even talk about my boobs,
But you just keep on freaking out over nothing and refusing to go to sleep.

I'd send you on a long vacation at Grandma's but she's too smart for that,
WhywhywhwywhwywhywhwyWHY??

Comments

[Slim]

Nice song, great hook. Plus it seems (oddly) more upbeat than the soundtrack around here:
"Oh, welcome to Wrongville!
I'm the mayor
And everything I do is wrong. . . "

Pretty sure those are banjos playing in the background. Be afraid of life here in Wrongville. It's bad.

[nicole]

It helps to know the pain is general; I've been asking all my friends with older kids why they didn't warn me about 3 and a half. But I can't wait to read the comments today, because even though I know it's not just me, I keep thinking, "maybe I've done this to her?"

[Moxie]

@nicole: Definitely not anything you did:

http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/10/qa-mediating-be.html

also
http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/10/book-review-you.html

And there might be another post or two somewhere on the site about how crappy this age is and how everyone is just horrified at what an asshole their 3 1'2-year-old has become. And then a few months later they're decent human beings again, as if by magic.

[Melissa]

Ha! My 3 1/2 year old prefers these little ditties:

"Why can't everyone read my mind?
Why doesn't everyone know how to do everything the way I like it?"

and

"I need you, but go away!
I love you soooo much, but now I'm going to hit you!"

[hedra]

Oh, yeah, I'm wrong five times before breakfast. Okay, 'five' because I'm ignoring the other fifty times I'm wrong before breakfast. And every time I'm wrong I break their hearts, shatter, crash.

Wrong underwear, mommy, I PICK IT MYSELF! You come with me. You pick it. No, not THAT underwear, you can't pick it right. I PICK IT. This underwear. SEE? I don't like this underwear! You pick my underwear! I don't like THAT underwear. Don't YELL at me! I don't like it when you yell, I YELL AT YOU. WRONG UNDERWEAR MOMMY! I don't want to wear underwear. Why did you put my underwear back, don't put it AWAY! I need my underwear! Breakfast! Oatmeal for breakfast. Chocolate bar for breakfast. Two chocolate bars for breakfast. I don't want oatmeal! Where's the syrup for my oatmeal? Mommy, please get the syrup for my oatmeal. (wait, that was in a nice voice, even... dare I hope... and, NO)... That's the WRONG syrup mommy! I want the FULL syrup. Get me a new syrup. NOOOO Get me the FULL SYRUP! COME BACK HERE MOMMY WALKING AWAY IS RUDE I DON'T LIKE IT BRING MY SYRUP NOW! This syrup is good it's okay, make it a star shape. NO, not like THAT, make a R, I said an R, I didn't say a STAR, now it's all WRONG and I need NEW OATMEAL! COME BACK MOMMY! This oatmeal is good, mommy. I don't want oatmeal, I want chocolate.

I'm singing 'whywhywhywhy do I live in Wrongville?' heh.

Did I mention that the 3 1/2 thing is mainly over at this point. So this is the 'dull roar' version from Miss R. Miss M goes through the cycle faster, so she's already totally past this. Phew! I'm soooooo looking forward to R getting past this one. Checking my watch now. Please, now. Today would be good... M starts her phase later and ends it sooner. R's phases drag out until we forget that she has another way of being. Sigh.

I was NOT the good mommy this morning, as you can probably tell. Pretty much overtaken by the evil twin, to the point that I think ep was trying to shoo me out of the house entirely before I modeled something even worse.

[WaltzInExile]

So Goat #2 is NOT the spawn of Satan, then? It's just a phase? And it's going to END someday?
THANK.
THE.
LORD.
By the way, at my house, when the litany starts, the only thing that keeps me sane is bleating under my breath. Yes, bleating. Meh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Cuz that's what it all sounds like to me, anyway, and when I remind myself, I laugh.

[peaceinyourcrib]

does it help to know i was riddled with anxiety today i haven't experienced e-v-e-r;
and that this post made my day! the funniest things are the most truthful- and this is F-U-N-N-Y! great post.
oh...and thanks for the warning...

[SarcastiCarrie]

Oh, I am so glad since last week I commented on the 3-year old who wants me to un-ring the bell.

I want a banana. Open the banana. NOOOOOO BANANAS, CLOSE IT MOMMY. No, I do it myself. (Banana smear everywhere and mommy crying quietly because she is pregnant and cannot drink and remembering the line in that book Moxie recommended that told me to put the 3-year old with a babysitter as much as I could.)

[Charisse]

oooooomg, mine is almost 4 1/2 now but I do so remember this little anthem!

I want another mommy, NOT you. I don't want to take a bath. Where's my bath, you NEVER let me take a bath, you're mean mean mean, that's too hot, where's my ducky--YOU get my duck right now. That's MY ducky, NOT yours, you don't touch it. Don't talk to me. STAYYYYY here. Hug me. Mommy, I wish you died....WAAAAAAAAH I never want you to die (cue 15-minute freakout).

No advice except interesting school seemed to help.

Hugs everybody!!!

[Sarah]

I don't know if I've ever commented before, but this post REQUIRES a comment. I love the song except it's making me cry because I have a 16 month old, and I have this to "look forward" to. I must try to plan so that I am not pregnant during this phase and am able to drink!

[SJ]

thank you thank you thank you all
so nice to know we're not alone...

[caro]

This sounds like 2.5-3 was around our place.

Maybe we got it over with early?

(Runs off to knock on wood.)

[enu]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, 3 miserable for both my kids. One was at the tail end of her "horrible" phase ;-) which went from birth to age 4 and stopped on a dime one night. The other went from a blissful baby and toddler to a thoroughly unpleasant 3 year old. But I'd have gladly trasnported directly through age three for each of them.

But it really does end and your pleasant child comes back (and 5 is such a sunny age...)

[jlg]

Moxie, the number one reason my son and I made it through the 3.5 year old stage was the Ames & Ilg book that you recommended. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! He has come out of that whole "disequilibrium" stage and is a happy-go-lucky 4. We have a few months before the next disequilibrium hits, and I am going to enjoy the peace while it lasts!

My just-turned-2 daughter, on the other hand...If I hear "I WANNA DO IT MYSELF!" followed a minute later by "WAAAAH! I CAN'T DO IT! MOMMY HELP ME! NOW!" once more, I think my head may explode.

[Jac]

OMG. DS is only (not quite) 1. And I am finding this age frustrating, because he's not walking (but wants to), not talking (but wants to) and spends 3/4s of every day shrieking in frustration.

And y'all are telling me it gets worse?? I think I need to develop a recreational drug habit.

[ramy]

perfect! I'm too worn out to add the verse from my house (newborn, just moved, started working part-time after new one was born--and nursing).

but let me add a chorus b/c it just came to my mind:

I can touch baby brother b/c i'm the big sister. baby brother baby brother if you break your leg I will take you to the doctor (mommy interjects: please don't break his leg just so you can go to the doctor). My belly hurts down low, maybe i need to go to the doctor today. I really think I need to go to the doctor for my bellyache. can I have a popsicle? can I have a cookie? no more cookies? can I have a cookie? can I have a popsicle? Maybe I need to go to the doctor. I can't go to the bathroom, I'm afraid of the Mouse King. I DON'T WANNA BE A BIG SISTER. can I have a popsicle? oh baby brother, I can hug your head, oh mama, he's so CUTE (as she nearly strangles him). Mom, GET ME A POPSICLE NOW. But I'm too *full* for real food. I WANT A POPSICLE, NOW!!!! (whine whine whine dramatically on the floor).

hmmm, I thought I couldn't think but apparently I paid more attention this morning than I thought...

thank heavens today was a preschool day. My friend warned me that 3 year olds are trolls--and she was right. And yet, with the newborn and the move I'm stressed out totally and she has moments of joy and good humor when I can see her wit working and I think, well, maybe the rest of that stuff is in my head. and then she starts in the sugar cravings and my head clears. when is her 4th birthday again?

[r+k+mama]

Uhg. We are here and I feel we have been since 2.5 because of Rowan's (now very undesirable) mad crazy verbal skills. My favorite is when she gets mad in public and tells strangers-"My parents are going to kill me."
WHAT???!!!!
Awesome.
My once smugness at her advanced language skills has been replaced by quiet jealousy of nice, quiet, shy children.

[angela]

a ditto on the "it can get worse than this because 2 1/2 is pretty awful?!?"

[AmyinVA]

Wow, I had to read this twice. I thought maybe it said 13 1/2 year old. Are you sure that's not what you mean because that is so where we are right now!! I like the way it all cycles over again for the joyous teenage years. Plus the advanced verbal (and sarcasm) skills make it way more exciting than the 3 1/2 year old cycle.

Oh and I have a 1 year old, too. And I had kinda forgotten about the 3 1/2 thing until reading this. Let me think, a 16 year old and a 3 year old all at the same time. I'm not going to do anything right again until I'm maybe 60. *sigh*

[AmyInAustin]

Perfect timing-- exactly where we are with The Boy right now. I am laughing so hard his after school peanut butter cracker snack is all over my keyboard.

[toomuchstrong]

OH my God we are not here yet, but I can SEE clearly that this is in our near future. This posting made me laugh so hard...Yeah, I laugh now, but very soon I"ll probably be sending a very similar email to Moxie.
Dear Poster,
The only piece of advice I have is to have a glass of nice wine every night until the phase passes. Oh, and buy yourself something nice. And try earplugs too.
Many sympathies.

[caramama]

@Moxie - It sounds like your child is going through a really rough development phase. I suggest you write to Ask Moxie about your issue. She might have some good ideas for dealing with this age, she'll probably recommend an Ames & Ilg book or Haim Gingott or Playful Parenting. Mostly, she'll tell you that you are not alone, you are the best parent for your child, that it's just a phase, and she'll make you feel better.

hehehe. ;-)

[meggiemoo]

AHAHAHAHHA!!! These are awesome. I'm in the throes of 1st trimester horribleness combined with nearly 3-year-old dramatics.

He was bitten at daycare by one child (one of his best friends) and then smacked in the head by another (again, a best friend) all in one day, and all I could think was, "Well, he probably deserved it!"

He's adorable and witty and too smart for his own good, and then in the next breath he seems to pull what remaining patience I have out to a fine thread. And that thread is dangling between us, just waiting to snap.

I spend most of our days caught between laughter and sobs. Which is way more interesting than my life used to be, although perhaps a bit TOO interesting!

[Mom2Boys]

*shrieking in frustration* Yes.
I know those with three year old are lamenting the verbal rant/whine/non stop commentary but the shrieking in frustration is driving me batty. The seven year old came into my life as a very pleasant almost four year old and these baby/toddler stages are a mystery to me. At 11 months and two weeks and zero words the shrieking for communication is making me insane. Love him, love that we are communicating but I do, sometimes, have to turn my attention, however briefly, to something else and SHRIEK SHRIEK SHRIEK - over here mommy. sigh.

[Bobbi]

Exactly. Makes me want to rip my hair out every single minute. This is definitely one of those "they're damn lucky they're so cute or they'd be dead" ages... *sigh*

[michelle]

I have really been lovin' this Blog lately. All the school stuff was highly interesting to me, and now this! What a perfect song! This TOTALLY nails 3 1/2 for us.

Hedra, the underwear rant was very funny. I could have written that for my daughter who started every morning for a couple months with some kind of back-and-forth shenanigans concerning clothes. She is 4 now, and things are finally getting better. Of course, now she does things that are healthy but throw me for a loop like asking me at 7:15 a.m. where dead people go (we're atheists) or why homeless people can't just live in other people's houses, or some other question that I really can't navigate pre-coffee.

Anyway, all I can say is that my usually successful tac of offering choices and giving DD some power to control her surroundings backfired during this stage. We watched a lot of Backyardigans. There was a lot of "Mommy is going to have a time-out right now" and some deep breathing and counting to 10 (me, not DD).

[rudyinparis]

I was completely shocked and unprepared for the horribleness of age 3 with Eldest (actually 3 to about 4 1/2). I'm still kind of traumatized by the whole experience. Everyone says "terrible 2s". Jesus. Give me a 2 over a 3 1/2 any day. Oh, there were good days, even great days... but the lows were so very low. All I can do now is hope that I'm better prepared for Younger. I'm trying not to think about it.

[professor mama]

"Where oh where has my sweet child gone?"

That's the tune in my head, and a typical evening is this:

DS: Mama, I'm tired and don't want to eat dinner! I just want to go to bed!
Mama (validating feelings): Oh, you're too tired to eat?
DS: NO!!!! I WAS SAYING THAT! GO AWAY!
Mama: If you need alone time, you may sit in the living room or your bedroom.
DS: NO! THIS IS MY KITCHEN! GO AWAY! I WANT TO BE ALONE!
Mama: You want to be alone?
DS: I WAS SAYING THAT!
Mama: Okay, let's put on jammies and go to bed, then.
DS: NO! I want macaroni and cheese!
[We sit down to eat]
DS: NO! I want shells, not spirals! WAAAAHH!
[Pushes plate on the floor]
Mama: You can choose to clean that up or go to bed.
DS: NO! You clean it up! You go to bed!
[Hits mama]
Mama: Hitting isn't nice. We use words, not hands.
DS: I'm going to hit you! [hits mama again]

Oh, and he goes to preschool 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. He's an **ANGEL** there.

And, I can't drink my beloved vodka & pomegranate juice b/c I'm breastfeeding a 5-month-old. :(

[epeepunk]

I will add my usual bit here. It's not going to get "worse" - it will get "different". I learned that distinction when a mother of twins younger than ours asked me if it gets better, and I said 'no.' And she looked crushed. So I had to rectify that by saying, no, actually it gets different. The thing about any age is that the good parts are different too, and you can't really quantify a better between when they can play with you and when they can discuss why they chose that color for the picture.

And I'll add a phrase to the mix here, courtesy of Baba - "nibbled by ducks". You all know what I mean. ;)

[hush]

You all are cracking me up today. @ramy - "I can't go to the bathroom, I'm afraid of the Mouse King." HAHAHAHA! You must tell us - who is this dreaded Mouse King?!

[Christina]

... because they can...

[Lisa]

so what you're saying is that 2 1/2 is just a rehearsal for 3 1/2?

God help us all.

(verse # 238:

I want the flashlight. The silver flashlight. Pleeeease. No, the SILVER one! the RED one! I waaaant it!!! [both flashlights are right in front of him...] I wanna turn it on and BANG IT! I WANNA BANG IT! The SILVER ONE. NOT the red one! No, Mommy, I don't like it! I don't waaaaant to!!! No red one. NOOOO! Mommy's frustrated and sad. I want... chocolate. Chocolate, Mommy! No, I don't like it. I'm banging it! Banging it on the table! But I WAAAANT to! Noooo...... I want it! I want to SMASH it! No, don't take it, because I waaaant it! Why? Why? No, why do YOU think so? Why because! Hahahahaha.... Why because! Mommy, I ate a booger!)

[Julieta]

Shit. Am I screwed because my 26 month old is already like this?

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

I'm sure you all know that 3 1/2 is the new 2!

[Cathy]

I have flashbacks every once in a while with my 5 year old, when she's stressed out about something. Frequently, it's in the morning before school when we're dropping the little kid off at daycare then bringing her to kindergarten.

Why did you lock the door? That's my job to lock the door. [unlock car to make it re-lockable, as if that's the real problem]Waaaah! It's too late now! with big drama, climb through the front seats of the sedan, push down the locker thing, give me a dirty look, and be on her merry way.

[mo]

@Melissa - my sons are on the same exact soundtrack :)

The boys are approaching 3 1/2 (about a month out) - I'm so hopeful that the challenging times we've had the last couple of months are a result of them reaching the 3 1/2 "phase" a little early and that it won't be getting even worse when they hit 3 1/2. Any statistics that twins reach the phases earlier?

Hedra - random question for you... I looked on line and there is a P.E.T. parent seminar coming up in my area. Have you taken one of those or were you able to "master" the P.E.T. approach just by reading the book? Class would take up a lot of weekend time for a whole month which is prime family time for us since my husband and I work full time. Trying to decide if I should take the plunge or not. Thanks.

[ramy]

the Mouse King is courtesy of her Nutcracker fixation. she used to love to kill the mouse king, now she is afraid of him. and HE is everywhere....

[Nell]

Spot-on, Moxie.
Our kiddo is at 3 and three quarters now, and things are a bit better, but there have been days over the last six months when I thought about sending him to grandma's -- a thousand miles away -- until he was ready for college.

[hedra]

I'm cracking up - oh, yeah, I needed this.

Oh, and ep, I think it is 'nibbled to DEATH by ducks' - How can a string of small defiances and confusion create such overwhelming urge to flee? Each is small. But there's so many each's.

I'm SO glad to not be alone in this.

I did have someone tell me that there's usually one catastrophic phase out of these three (2 1/2, 3 1/2, 4 1/2), and that once you hit the really awful one, the next will be better. So some of y'all who are having absolutely horrible earlier phases may still get an easier run on the next go. Or not, because that person may have been lying. But there's maybe a tiny thread of hope there... strengthen with as much wine as necessary!

Sigh. It.Will.Get.Better.

And when R is a joy, she's a joy.

Anyone wonder if The Little Girl (With the Little Curl right in the middle of her forehead) was 3 1/2?)

[hedra]

@mo, I *always* recommend taking the class. There is nothing in the world like being able to present the exact scenario you faced in the morning, and have them walk you through it.

We used the book solo, no class. My best friend (who has been very gently trying to get me to take P.E.T. classes from forever, and I only noticed AFTER I read the book... and no, she didn't think I was totally blowing it, just that I could still be more effective) took the classes. I still sometimes have to figure out how to say it without sounding like I just read a book, she says it like a normal person without thinking twice... From her it looks like Jedi mind tricks - 'you will take the cookie and enjoy it' "I want the cookie, it's good" ... maybe they have something for 3 1/2 year olds, too... (though maybe just recognizing that there are times when there's less 'acceptable behavior' range, period.)

Take the class if you can swing it at all. If you really can't, the book will do reasonably well.

[Charisse]

@Lisa, I think 3 1/2 is *slightly* less shrieky but there's waaay more desire for fine control and more comprehension of emotions and capability for more nastiness than they can really, um, own, if you know what I mean? (Knowing our kiddos are similarly verbal etc.)

@michelle, explaining death to a 4-y.o is an interesting one for us atheists! Mouse got stuck on it for a loooong time and we had that conversation every night in the bath for a while. Not advising cause not sure I did it "right" but sympathy. Meanwhile, I got the "birds and bees" question at a traffic light a couple weeks ago--you can visualize, right? "mommy, is a strong princess stronger than a dinosaur? what if the princess put on a superhero cape? can I get red shoes? um, mommy, HOW does the daddy part get inside the mommy to mix with the mommy part so the baby can grow?" hahahahaha.

[hedra]

Wait, I'm getting flashbacks to my mom reciting that poem under her breath... a lot. With emphasis on the 'when she was bad she was HORRID' part, through clenched teeth.

I thought it was really entertaining. I loved that poem. Man, I had *no* idea she was talking about me, other than the 'very very goood' part.

Oh, dear. I'll have to ask Baba if she remembers what age I was... I can't tell, other than that I seemed very happy with my ability to recite the poem back to her...

[stevie]

My husband, when they do the I want/I don't want dance, is "Do you want eggs with that?"
It seems to break the cycle most of the time.
When I try it,however, they say "That's just for Daddy".
Figures!

[stevie]

uh, says, not is.

[paola]

Oh, I had to do some math as I was sure my kid was 3.5 but that certainly didn't sound like him at all. He is 3 and 7 months and must have just hit a developmental spurt as he is just a dish and doing all sorts of cool things. The 3 to 3.5 was hard though and he was pretty much what you described, but am loving the latter threes.

[SarcastiCarrie]

@Charisse - I thought I was the only one who had to answer bizarre questions about which is stronger/faster/prettier/quieter/redder (as if that's even a word!), etc.

Mommy, is that car faster than your truck?

Mommy, is grandpa's boat stronger than Daddy's car?

Mommy, is Daddy bigger than Uncle Jake?

Mommy, are dinosaurs louder than yelling?

Mommy, are my shoes redder than your shoes?

[bugmama]

Hey.

Sounds like you were all at my house last night! And Bug's 1/2 yr disequilibrium dove tails SO NICELY with the beginning of the school year! Ugh.

[Mommy-O]

OH MY GOD!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

[Lara]

I am going to ditto "Shit. Am I screwed because my 26 month old is already like this?", only it is my 27 month old. Sigh. I am sure her mantra for the last few months has been "No ME do it" progressively getting louder and louder until there is a meltdown if even a small part of it is done for her. Or until she changes her mind, wants help and we don't do it right away. Or she just doesn't want it done at all.
Should I be glad I will be back at work 4 days a week when she is 3 1/2?

[hedra]

@bugmama, but the bonus there is that the second half of the year will be all upward motion and improvement, where we start the year (usually) doing pretty well (just a few weeks of tailing off of issues, usually), and then at the end of the year things start to fall apart (though it is great for the Nanny interview process around March - they're all peak perfection, and the nanny has NO idea what she's in for when they *all* hit disequilibrium at once, and are in full swing by June...).

Granted, that's still better than spending the entire mid-academic-year range in disequilibrium, as my nephew does (his worst zone is October through April or so).

Yet another reason for year-round school... catch everyone up *and* down cycles.