18 months

I've had a request for a commiseration post for parents of 18-month-olds.

The suddenly not sleeping! The willfulness! The earnest and desperate desire to talk but the inability to say the words they want to! The slapping themselves! The battles over food! The way you've been feeling good about your skills as a parent and suddenly you feel both incompetent and angry all the time!

Yeah, I feel really bad for you guys.

So, if you're in the middle of it, complain here. And if you just came out of it, give them hope. And if you're long out of it, see if you can come up with any good stories to make us all feel better.

Also, does anyone know exactly what skills they develop during the developmental spurt that causes them to stop sleeping for those 4-8 weeks? I think it's definitely about communication and organization, but don't know if there's been anything written specifically about that spurt.

Comments

[Lorraine]

I am going to read these comments from behind my fingers, because if my 16-month old starts sleeping LESS in two months, they are going to cart me away in a straitjacket.

[Mary]

We just came out of this. I had to sit on him for every diaper change. He woke up at 5 am every day. A few months later, things are much better.

[Helena]

Oh- the payoff is the utter delight that 24-30 months are. The fluency! The sudden affection ("I wuv you mommy")! The jokes!
The singing!

Hang in there! It gets SO much better.

[Kate]

@ Lorraine, my kids didn't sleep without waking many times per night until they were 2 or so. It was horrific on the whole, but the sleep regressions had less effect on our lives because it was already so bad. Maybe it was a little more difficult to get them back to sleep during those times, maybe I needed to take a Saturday night in the guest room and make my husband take charge one night, but it was all the same end of the sleep deprivation continuum.

(Did that make you feel better or worse? It was intended for good, I swear.)

Courage!

[hedra]

18 months is (per my internet finds) the flowering of sensory-motor intelligence, the idea of PURPOSEFUL action. That is, I am, and because I am, I CAN DO.

This is also the early development of logic - beyond the earlier 'cause and effect' ('if I crawl away, mommy is farther away' and 'if I drop this, it falls and she gets it'), and beyond 'programs' ('if we wish to do E, we first do A, B, C, and D, or sometimes we do X instead of A, but it still leads to E'), to actual logical thinking. It may be really POOR logic based on the fact that they think everyone thinks and experiences exactly as they do (therefore if you don't act the way they would, they think you didn't experience what they experienced)... but it is still logic. I remember feeling very rational at around that age. Very smart, very certain, very scientific, very observant, very "ate rocks because someone said that 'you have to eat a peck of dirt before you die' and someone joked about rocks included, and I knew that a) kids survive things better than adults (because, you know, they keep saying 'If I did that, I'd get hurt, but she can do it wihtout blinking'), and b) a peck is a lot, even if I don't know how much, and c) if you have to eat a lot of dirt and rocks before you're old ('dead'), then it would be best to start sooner (because 'it's easier if we spread hard things out and/or give ourselves time to recover from bad things' and 'until I'm old/dead is a long time'), so I purposefully went to the playground (across the driveway from our house), selected three rocks that seemed easy enough to swallow, and ate them."

Lucky I did not choke to death. BUT, logic! Talk about logic! I was GOOD at logic. And at taking purposeful action based on that logic. I even felt really proud of being able to decide which rocks would be the easiest to swallow. Because I smart! (even though I wasn't super-verbal, there was a LOT of awareness of my thinking, internally, as if words had been 'turned on' inside my mind, and I just didn't know how to make the sounds with my lips/mouth/throat right.) I was also fascinated by 'concept books' - colors, animals, shapes. Especially shapes, which seemed very orderly all of a sudden.

(logic also almost got me drowned just before 2 years old... that was the dawning of '(shocked) HEY, maybe I'm not right all the time!'... as I sank down to the bottom of the deep end of the pool before my dad hauled me out)

My advice, prevent prevent prevent. Leashes always sounded really good at the 18 month point (especially with twins, who were prone to deciding that each had a purposeful activity in the opposite direction from the other). But leashes also would have been TOTALLY resisted, because hey, we can figure out that if you put that on, we can't go farther away! We belled the twins, so at least we could hear them as they tried to run off in two directions.

I know there's more than that, but that's what I come up with.

[hedra]

Oh, and we had super-intensive nursing fests with twiddling at 18 months. Whee.

Still, fascinating stuff going on. It's one of those ages were walks are REALLY SLOW (look, rock, look, bug, look, puddle, look grass, look more grass, look rock), but you can see the gears turning inside their heads, as they suck the world in through their eyeballs. Fussy, overwhelmed, but astonishing.

[anon]

Lorraine mine was the opposite, he never slept all night in his life until around 18 months. We started doing something about it at 16 months, it took a while to stick.

[enu]

My firstborn pulled her firt door off its hinges at 18 months. Does that count as a developmental stage? I was resting for a moment on the couch (I was preg with Baby2) and she is in the doorway and pulls on the doorknob HARD, and the door comes flying down. It's a mercy we weren't both killed.

Oh dear, that won't help the OP much, will it ;-) Well, she got through it, she hasn't done it since ;-) And she was the original destructo-baby.

[hedra]

Oh, yeah, choice became big now, too. Wanting, needing to be able to choose the right option for me, rather than have it presented. Resistance before that wasn't unusual, but not quite the same intensity.

[hedra]

@enu, I don't think my example (of me and the rocks) is really reassuring ... except I survived! And so did my mom. And she even had another child after me, on purpose!

[amy]

For a physical development data point: my daughter started walking at 12.5 months and somewhere around 18 months started learning how to run. I don't recall how that affected her sleeping pattern, but I remember that she was driven to learn to run. Coming from a klutzy family, she fell a lot because the ability to look down and avoid obstacles while moving forward was not a skill she gained until closer to 24 months.

We hugged a lot.

Also, her language doubled between about 18 and 24 months, and she was already a very verbal child. I don't know if it's directly connected to cognitive development, but if it is, then that could explain some of the growth of "willfulness".

[hydrogeek]

At 21 months, I think we've about gotten through this stage, and MAN is it rewarding to hear "I luuu you, mama. I ont (want) woggie (stuffed frog). I ont milk. I ont bed. Night-night." after going through that 18 month thing. See Hedra's comment for the amazing logic that's going on. Even when they can't talk about it, you can see their little heads figuring it all out, and ACTING on it! I finally figured out that giving my daughter 2 choices during this stage would help her feel some control over what's going on and prevent a lot (not all!) of the meltdowns. Good luck, it gets SO MUCH better!

[sudru]

I'm just trying to make it through the shennanigans of 12/13 months. I keep saying to him, "I'm one mommy, I'm big." This means that naps are questionable, diaper changes are wrestling matches, sleep throught the night...no way! I have to do this all over again at 18 months?!

[Lorraine]

@Kate, yes, that made me feel better! sort of, well, we've been swimming along anyways - does it matter if the water is 6 feet deep or 20 feet deep.

@anon, I will dare to dream that it could happen for me!

[Kim-Anh]

I remember 18 months being a real doozie with my first son. My second son is 19 months now and is quite different than his older brother. He has had the benefit of learning to speak much sooner because of the constant talking around him, so if it's any consolation to those of you going through this lovely period, once they learn to express themselves, it's amazing. My 19-month old tells me what he wants - he walks milk, he wants to sleep in the "other bed" (meaning MINE, the little bugger), he tells me where it hurts when he falls, answers questions with yes and no, etc. We have also been going through the sleep regression, but just prior to the sleep regression, we had an amazing breakthrough in the sleep department. As background - DS was a nurse-to-sleep baby, then we weaned him to a rock-to-sleep baby, and he was the kind of baby who got all wound up when we attempted to let him CIO. A few weeks ago, Dad led the charge of getting him to fall asleep on his own, and we're at the point now where we can put him in his own crib, shush him with a little patting, and walk out of the room while continuing to verbally encourage him - AND HE GOES TO SLEEP! On his own. I really never thought it would be possible - we'd tried sleep training him so many times, and nothing ever worked, but for us - something seemed to happen around the 18 month mark and he's open to it now. THERE'S HOPE! Keep trying! He's regressed a bit in the last week or two (teeth plus growth spurt) but it won't be long until we're past that and we're back to this really lovely age.

[Amy]

Oh, mine is exactly 18 months, and she has become a holy terror.

She head butts when she's frustrated. I swear she's going to break my nose with her little round brick of a head one of these days. How can a 20 pound kid pack so much fury into such a tiny body. She also has been biting and scratching. Again, I think it's all frustration.

She hates having her diaper changed. She rolls over and sticks her rear in the air, laying on her stomach, so that I can't get to the tape. If I finally manage to flip her over and get the diaper off, she will either stick her hand straight into it (if it's poopy, especially) or try to fling it off of the changing table.

When I'm trying to put her in her carseat, she will arch her back and scream like I'm killing her. This is especially cute at the grocery store.

She doesn't just cry anymore, she screams this high-pitched, ear splitting scream. My 3 year old will do it with her, and my ears honestly will short out and buzz when they both get going. It makes my ears want to bleed. Awful.

And she can go from cute and snuggly to Exorcist in .3 seconds, especially in the evening. She'll be playing and fine and all of a sudden it's like she gets possessed and I have whiplash from her mood swing.

Thank God that I know, from experience with her sister, that this passes quickly, and by about 20 months she should be back to normal. And at least, this time, I'm not dealing with a newborn AND an 18 month old. That was poor planning on my part.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[heather]

We're also at 21 months (well, tomorrow, technically) and wow, what a difference in the last 3-4 months! I did a LOT of signing with my daughter and although she did start using it around 12 months, it has really taken off since ~18 months. She can now put simple sentences together ("black bird fly", "cat run", etc.). We can have an actual conversation!

I too found that giving choices made life much smoother. White shoes or blue shoes? Milk or water? Socks or no socks? And I found (and still find) that talking through a sequence of events helps lots. Especially when one of those events is undesireable. Example: Let's change your diaper, then we'll read a book.

Agreed: it gets MUCH better!

[Suki]

I would just like to add that they're not all on the same timeline. My son sucked from 4-6 weeks, 4-6 months, 14-16 months (see a pattern here? I'm terrified for 24-26 months!!!) but was heavenly/content/calm/happy/affectionate around 8 weeks, 8-12 months, 18-21 months... Now we're at 21 months and I'm starting to wonder if we're heading into another fussy stage. But, 18-21 months were the best so far for me - he was fun, funny, and finally talking which I think greatly alleviated his frustration. For him, tough times mean either he's on the edge of a major development (was totally fussy before he started crawling, then before walking, then before talking) but I bet the frustration helps him attain the goal, and also teething doesn't help (he got 8 - yes eight - new teeth all at once at 18 months, and was a much happier camper after that). What's important for me to read here and try to remember is that it's just a phase, when he's miserable it's not because he's miserable human being ;) but rather there's just a lot going on inside that little body/mind...

[Bella]

OK, since you asked, Moxie, I'll post this but I really, really apologize for the length (if I had my own blog, I'd just link to it). I tried editing it down, but there's just so much exciting (and hellish) stuff going on during this transition period that it's hard to take stuff out. Again, this is from something I've written previously. This is not my original research. The developmentalists and scientists I take this from are: Jean Piaget, Robbie Case, Alan Sroufe and Marc Lewis. Here goes the description:

By 17 or 18 months begins the true watershed between infancy and early childhood—the hatching of the child from a preoccupation with physical reality to an appreciation of symbolic reality. The beginning of language and all that that entails, and the consolidation of a social relationship with parents based on an understanding of doing things together, achieving joint goals, cooperation versus defiance, and a sense of the self as a social being who is part of a family. This stage also represents a distinct swing of the pendulum back toward dependency needs and social vulnerability. Becoming a new kind of human being—a truly social being—brings with it enormous uncertainties about how to connect with parents in a way that neither threatens the child’s independence nor his or her needs for safety and security.

The first advance is language itself. Children shift from using words in isolation to embedding words in small sentences. The simplest of these sentences may be only two words in length, consisting of a subject (e.g., Mama) and a predicate (e.g., come), or a predicate (e.g., Go) and an object (e.g., home). But the outcome is profound. By saying “Mama come” or “Go home” children are referring not only to a single object or isolated feature of the world, but to a situation, an event, which is a more or less accurate read-out of what they are actually thinking, imagining, or wishing. The ability to string words together to communicate full, complete ideas and wishes, and the naming explosion that comes with it, provide the child of 17-21 months with the most powerful tool available for interacting with other people: true language.
What is so special about language? When the child says “Mama come” and Mama listens and comes over to where the child is located, there is absolute assurance that both parent and child are focused on the same words and, more than that, on the idea that the words express. Their attention is synchronized and their intentions are synchronized. They are thinking about the same thing and they are sharing the same goal. But beside getting her needs met quickly and effectively, the language-using child now begins to understand that she is a social being, a person, in a world of other persons, who share a matrix of thoughts, feelings, goals, and desires. The child finally sees herself as she really is: part of a group of beings who share a world of meanings and actions.
Now this realization in itself brings on both confidence and doubt. It’s terrific to convey your goals to the adults in your life, to harness their attention for a moment or two. But it doesn’t always work. Parents aren’t always listening. And what if they don’t listen? What if their attention drifts away again? It is typical to observe toddlers of this age saying the same thing over and over, or making the same demand repeatedly: “Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama?” …until mother turns her head and finally asks, “Yes? What do you want?” Or “More, more, more!” with escalating anxiety, not knowing if the parent will actually fulfill the child’s cherished goal of attaining more raisins for his snack. So even the glories of being a language user, and the satisfaction of finding your place in the world of thoughts and actions shared with your parents, have their dark side. Words have to be heard, and messages have to be received, or else the child is helpless, isolated, and worse off than before: a language user who can’t communicate!

The second advance of this period is the understanding of social roles, and in particular the coordination of two roles which are complementary with each other. The child who can understand complementary roles sees himself as either part of the program or not. If mom wants to dress you this morning (as she does most mornings) then your complementary role would entail pushing one hand and then another through your sleeves, and raising each foot to receive its sock and shoe. There is nothing sweeter than observing toddlers engaged in these complementary roles, and very often they are happy to play along. But not always. If roles can fit together then they can also not fit together. This provides a hinge-point between autonomy and cooperation. The 18-month old toddler becomes aware of this tension, because it spells a challenge for his sense of self. Playing a social role means submerging the self in a larger plan, for the larger good, but at the expense of doing whatever comes to mind. The result is a potential emotional stand-off. When roles don’t correspond, somebody gets left out, somebody gets mad, or sad, or insecure. Which means that social roles become parts to play in the family drama with distinct emotional consequences. Play your part, and everyone will be happy. Refuse and there’s going to be trouble. Toddlers at this age can’t formulate this logic quite so precisely, but they can sense the consequence of their refusal to comply. Hence a potential trade-off, that pulls for autonomy at the expense of approval, or approval at the expense of autonomy. Not an easy choice to make for the toddler who loves both his independence and the feelings of closeness he gets from being “good.”
Other changes in social cognition are part of this sweep of novel thought patterns at 17-21 months, including a dawning sense of territoriality. There is little doubt that the declaration “Mine!” will first be heard during this period, along with “No!”—signalling the child’s understanding that possession is nine-tenths of the law. It isn’t enough to have a cracker when you can hang on to the whole bag. That’s another example of getting ahead of the competition in the toddler’s sense of the world. All of these advances share the same flavour: they further elaborate the child’s understanding of a social order in which he must participate, through the use of language and gestures, in order to assume his position in the family and maintain some chance of getting his way…at least some of the time. But the emotional tone of these social advances should now be clear: this is an age of negotiation!
The toddler at this age is somewhat of an addict. She wants nothing more than to continue to have access to your attention, your approval, and your support. As a new member of the club, she continually tries to make sure that her membership is in good standing, and that she can maintain the benefits that are her due. That’s why this child calls repeatedly after mother, even though she is only a few feet away. Or why the child is still whining for mama even when he’s in her arms. That’s why this child hangs around the threshold, unable to break away, when mother is talking on the telephone to a friend. That’s why this child continues to test limits, to defy rules, to assert her own goals, and then make sure you’re still there, listening to her, caring about her, and loving her. The child at this age, though feisty and independent, is also insecure. And her insecurity, while easily triggered by physical separations, as was the case at 9 months, is really about psychological separations: the loss of affection, understanding, shared intentions, and support.

[snickollet]

When you say "stop sleeping for 4 to 8 weeks," what that meant at our house was "4 to 8 MONTHS." It sucked.

The good news is that it was as though a switch had been flipped at the age of two, give or take a few weeks. Happy times, indeed, what with the hilarious comments, the independence, and the blossoming of the personality. It's great.

[Mom2Boys]

I left Bean playing in the living room this morning and I went back to my bedroom to finish getting ready and I turned around because I heard him coming and I assumed he was crawling...he had walked down the hallway and into my room right over to me. One year and one day and he's decided it's time to walk where he wants to go.
I got him a shape sorter and he's not able to do it by himself yet. It makes him SO MAD that he can't get the top back on by himself (it slides on and off in a groove) and that the pieces don't fit when he tries to put them in the wrong hole. He screams and bangs on it. He screams a lot. The description of the 18 month old leads me to believe I am in for a long spell of utter frustration on his part.

[Cloud]

Oh, we're in this. @Lorraine- the sleep issues for us have manifested as more difficult bedtimes, but no worse than our already sucky nights. She is up once or twice, like always. The only difference is that getting her down for the first time is harder, and she's tending to wake up early and need to come to bed with us to finish getting her sleep.

Anyway, I'm finding there are things that suck (fighting for diaper changes, the random decisions to stop doing things we were doing well earlier, like brushing our teeth) but also things that are really cool (watching her learn to communicate, the really big hugs we get sometimes). Also, we're always looking for the latest set of questions that can distract her while we change her diaper, or get her in her car seat, etc. Right now it is asking her what various animals say or asking her to point to various body parts. If we start that BEFORE she starts melting down, she concentrates so hard on answering the questions that she forgets to scream. Sometimes.

And for anyone looking ahead to this time- definitely consider doing sign language. We didn't start until late (about 14 months- after she already had a few spoken words), but it has made a HUGE difference to us. I can't imagine what this time period would be like if she couldn't sign "cracker". Some of the most important words to a toddler are just too hard for some of them to say!

[hedra]

@Bella, that's really interesting. That ties in totally to my recollection of fascination with 'symbols' like shapes, and drawn representations of actual objects, and the total love affair with the few books we had that showed photographs of real animals.

I don't think I noticed the social/roles aspect of it as much (at least not actively - I don't recall THINKING about it), but I do remember knowing that under certain conditions if I called my mom she would not come, and under others if I called to her she would, and being very certain of that. I was all about sibling approval, though. (several older sibs, and at that time, no younger ones.) I was TOTALLY addicted to my older sibs (I can definitely recall the sweet satisfaction and joy of having my older brother consent to hold my hand while we walked somewhere). Hmmm... Wait, I stood still for getting my hair brushed because it got me an approving smile, so I guess that was in there, too.

[Bobbi]

I am doing 18 months along with 3.5 years at the same time right now. Plus trying to find time for undivided attention for my 7 and 9 year olds. My 18 month old was up at 2 am for the day. Please shoot me now...

[paola]

My daughter is now 20.5 months old and I'm still not sure if she is out of the 18 month regression, or is in the middle of the 20 month one, but there you are. The worst thing about the regression was the naps. IN 3 months, she is averaging an hour nap, but when things were really tough, she was doing 40 minutes for weeks on end. There was a week back there when she awoke a few times a night and just wouldn't go back to sleep, which she has never ever done, but apart form that, her night time sleep wasn't too bad. Wailed incessantly every time I put her down. That is usually the signal that she is regressing. Oh, and earlyish wake ups (which are progressively getting later- such an improvement)

Closer to 20 months ( another regression maybe? Can anyone confirm????), she got terribly terribly clingy and nursed furiously. Lots of waking up in the middle of the night for a week or so, but now I'm happy to say she 'seems' to be coming out of it. No more wailing before falling asleep, naps are getting longer, less clingy.

Added to this is that fact that she was teething furiously (3 canines in 2 weeks), and suffered major jet-lag on our return from Aus. So these things mitigated, big time.

She is super-smart now, though. I think language is definitely one of the skills here as she is now speaking in short sentences ('Thomas, enough, off')and her pronunciation has improved out of sight.

[tanya]

My 19 month old is screaming in the next room b/c I needed to take five minutes away from him. He still is an awful sleeper, but now the constant throwing things at the dog and willfulness is (can it be!) more annoying to me than the sleep deprivation. I downloaded one of Sharon's seminars, but haven't been able to find 30 minutes to listen to it. By the sounds of it, if I don't get back to my little guy soon, (did I mention the intense separation anxiety as well?) he is going to hyperventilate. LOVE this site- -always seems to know exactly what we're all going through. Thank you for letting us vent.

[Jessica]

According to my mother, her grandmother used to tell her "all children are suidical until age two and it's your job to prevent it!" I used to think that was funny until my first one hit about 16 months. For the next six months, I felt like if we made it to the end of the day and neither one of us was seriously hurt (physically, emotionally, whatever) it was a good day. For my next one, it was a little easier because I knew the stage was coming and would end. The reward has been (for me anyway) the 2.5ish stage. So cute, so expressive, so loving. Then comes the previously described hell that is 3-3.5! But 4-5 is good. I am personally finding 5.5 to be pretty bratty and mouthy, but maybe it is just the strain of starting kindergarten?

[Kristie]

My daughter is just now 19 months old. And my goodness, let's see. The screaming. Where did this come from? High pitched slasher movie screams whenever she doesn't get her way. And why doesn't she get her way? Because she wants to walk herself, without holding hands, and we live in a large city with busy roads and sidewalks. Or insert 10 million other possible scenarios, same outcome. Grr.

Two new words in her vocab: No and Yuck. Enough said. Another big one is her own name, meaning, "I'll do it myself, thanks." This may or may not lead to screaming, depending on what she's trying to do. Then there's the saying, "off" and pulling at her shoes like she wants them off. Then I take them off for her. And she says, "on". Then off. Then on. It usually leads to screaming. There are other variations on this theme too.

And what is up with the constant nursing? Good grief. Some days I think we nurse about 8 times a day. I think she would be happy if we did nothing BUT nurse. I don't think I nursed her this much when she was first born, and at least she didn't have teeth then.

The sleep part is okay, considering that until 15 months she was waking several times a night and is so far still sleeping through. But has she ever got the art of bedtime stalling down pat. The ace up her sleeve: she's been doing poops on the potty, so she claims that she needs to poop or pee. With straining as if gearing up for a poop. Six times. Between bathtime and bedtime. And she really poops just often enough to keep me guessing. Is manipulation one of those developmental milestones? I think we've hit it.

[Cathy]

@Jessica - there is no know-it-all like the new kindergartener. We're right there, but hopefully it'll settle down soon.

[Bella]

My personal experience with 18-21 months was that it was BY FAR the most horrendous of my (short) parenting career. Some lovely scenes from that time with my twin boys include:

- one would be at my feet, whining for MAMA UP, MAMA UP, MAMA UP, while the other would be IN MY ARMS screaming the same thing: Mama Up, Mama Up, clawing and kicking at me to reach ever-higher, ever closer... to what I could never fathom.

- I would walk around the house for long stretches of time with BOTH boys in my arms, one in each, both of them crying their little heads off AND THERE WAS NO DISCERNIBLE REASON. They just wanted me, and me wasn't enough, and having the other brother in my other arm was HORRIFYING to them. My husband found me in this position more than once, helplessly holding both, and I was fully balling my eyes out with them.

- As just 2 of 2 million examples of times that no one else but me would do: Putting them to bed, my husband would try putting on a diaper only for the little guy to scream "ONLY Mama!" "Only Mama!". Or, in my most hated time, dinner time, I'd ask my husband to feed them (or try anyway) and the same thing "ONLY MAMA". So even my ever-so-helpful husband could do almost NOTHING for me during this time.

BUT! BUT! 22 months was one of the most glorious ages ever -- they were suddenly little people who were funny, affectionate, cooperative. Every single stage after has seemed like a breeze compared to 18 months...

[professor mama]

My DS#1 has been a great sleeper since he was 6 months old. Thank goodness BECAUSE:

His language/emotion/expression/frustration/willfulness/independence/indecisiveness regression and disequilibrium have been going on from 18 months to 3.5 years. We've been waiting, waiting, waiting for the spirals of equilibrium to surface, but he's been hellish since 18 months. The only difference is that he's using words more, gross and fine motor are less frustrating, but the stubbornness and emotional rawness is STILL THERE.....
I've heard no two children are the same, so please dear lord give us a break with #2 (who is only 5 months old).

[Lisa M]

Yes to the constant nursing. Holy crap. I love nursing the kid but seriously, three sips every 10 minutes all day long (and being 10 weeks pregnant) is seriously going to drive me to drink, pregnant or not.

And the "mama up!" while I'm actually holding him. Constantly. Refusing the stroller, the ergo, to walk.

And for the past 3 nights he's been refusing to go to bed (background: seriously craptacular sleeper his whole life; I can give the dates for each time he's slept through the night in his life because there are only 4 but at least he'll go down without a fight). Clings to me like a spider monkey when we get close to the crib, even though the bedtime routine was smoothly and he asked for his pillow. Then screams as soon as he touches it.

Will I depress you all if I tell you that he's 21 months old?

[MrsHaley]

We're 21 months 2 days and I thought I was crazy. It is so good to read everyone else's struggles with this age ...

The constant repeating of words until I repeat the word or acknowledge whatever it is makes riding in the car a chore. We live in a rural area, and can spend 40 minutes in the car without a moment of peace from "Cow! Cow! Cow! Horse! Horse! Horse! Tractor! Tractor! Cow! Cow! Cow!" GOD FORBID we pass a swingset or playground.

Also, with the food. The level of mess and tragedy at every meal is asTOUNDing. She will only eat about 5 things, but even so, mostly just smears them on herself, her seat, the table and the floor. I have given up on keeping the same clothes on all day -- I change her outfit after every meal. Our kitchen floor is grosser than gross.

I am trying trying trying to stay intentional and centered as she catapaults among moods and needs, but dang, y'all. It's hard.

Thankfully, sleeping is still ok. But #2 is due in a week, so hopefully nighttime won't fall apart soon, too!

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Love, patience, signing, patience, empathy, patience, repetition, patience, repetition, patience, boundaries for throwing things, patience, silence and being a trickster as you change a diaper, patience, honesty about being face butted, and patience regarding your reaction, keeping track of their explorations, patience, taking turns with sleep, patience. Did I mention patience?

Bella’s research is dead on and is the underlying research that went into creating what you downloaded Tanya. It is a developmentally great way to stop the throwing or head butting, and things of that nature, for 18 month olds, hope you can get to it soon, it will help.

Also, in my post from the More unformed thoughts on those rough times (3 1/2-year-olds) done 2 days ago is a great scenario, the fountain, and a loving, clear way to give a boundary with this age group, it’s on the second page, 4th from the bottom. Off to work I go.

[amberjee]

4-8 weeks, gee, i wish we'd come out of it that quickly. I was up 3 times last night and we are just about to hit 21 months now. sigh.

[paola]

OK, so from what I understand, what is going on with my 20.5 month old is just an extension of 18 months. And it ends around 21 months?? Thank god no-body had told me that 3 months ago (OH, SHIT, I shouldn't have said that)

[MorahLaura]

4 to 8 weeks of no sleep???

My daughter (#2) will be 18mos in 10 days. She was a SUPER sleeper from the time we brought her home from the hospital until about 11 months. Since then, she hasn't slept unless (she thinks) I'm right next to her. She won't sleep in her crib except to nap. We have her sleeping on the couch in the living room so I can go lie down with her when she wakes up crying. She doesn't talk at all yet, so we can't try "discussing" it with her like we did with daughter #1.

And to make matters worse, we have a 3 week old baby boy now, and the 2 have been waking up needing me at the same time 2-3 times a night for the past 3 nights now. At least #2 weaned herself 4 months ago!!!

I'm nearing the end of my rope. I will keep reading comments to remind myself that This Too Shall Pass but oh my it is SO hard.

[Lee]

Here is my sister-in-law's summary of child development:

18-24 months - YUCK! The kid knows what she wants, but doesn't necessarily have the words to tell you

24-36 months - eh, not so bad. The kid's got some vocabulary now and can express what she wants (though she might not like your answer)

36-48 - YIPES! Not only does the kid have vocabulary, but she can use it to tell you how much she hates you

48 months onward - back to being an angel

[Shanna]

Well, if nothing else, reading these comments is making me feel like we got off easy with our almost-20-month-old twins. More nighttime wakeups (and oh boy am I glad we nightweaned at 14-15 months, because doing it now would be a terror), and my daughter insists on coming to our bed ("Daddy! Bed! Sleep!") at her first wakeup, whether it's 10 PM or 5 AM. Last night I tried putting her back in her bed when I was sure she was sound asleep in ours...twenty minutes later, she was screaming to come back. *sigh* Shoes and socks have to come off by their own hands. Daughter is trying to dress herself most of the time, but can't quite manage it. Don't you DARE try buckling them into high chairs or the stroller yourself, because that's THEIR job. Even if it takes fifteen minutes and the straps are all in the wrong places and you know there's a meltdown coming because by the time they're in lunch/dinner should have been done and they will desperately need to go to sleep. Pushing other kids out of the way at the park (though Daughter says "Excu' me!" first), pulling hair and pinching to get attention or just because they're bored, snatching toys away from each other and their friends, it goes on and on. Here's hoping we get past this soon...

[Sandra]

Ah, amnesia. Where would I be without it as a parent? Boo is just shy of 21 months and I've already blanked out 18 months because it was just that hellish. But, like a PP, he slept through the night for the first time at 18 months, and sleep has been semi-solid since then. Only saving grace of that whole period.

We're right in the thick of, "Boo do it!" which can lead to meltdowns if whatever task he'd like to do is out of his zone of capability or isn't safe. But the meltdowns are fewer and less frequent than at 14-18 months. Thank god. I was about ready to trade him in for a new model at that point.

What I've found most exciting as his language develops is that I can give explanations for things that he (kind of) understands. And he can give explanations too. One night as I was washing dinner dishes, he said, "Boo sad. Mama play. Mama no wash dishes." Floored me. Of course, he hasn't expressed any kind of emotion using words since that day, but I figure there's hope, right?

[hedra]

I think one group I was on pinpointed 17-18 months and 20-22 months (some period in there, not necessarily 2 months long!) as being the worst for the uppies and round-the-clock nursing-but-I-just-want-a-sip things.

Some of the kids in that 'pool' had a lull between the two peaks, others just charged from one to the next. But after 22 months or so, everyone was calming down again.

(MrsHaley, I remember yelling 'cow! cow! cow! horse! horse! horse!' ... it was mandatory, I think. I couldn't NOT. My sister complaining made me wonder what was wrong with *her*...)

[Charisse]

hahaha, yeah, we're 3 years past this but it was rough. 1 week after reaching 18 mos Mouse switched daycares to a very different situation...and the weekend that was about to happen I stuck a finger in her mouth and discovered 4 molars cutting. She totally took back the daycare pick-up nurse, which she'd given up, stopped sleeping, and was a total pill. We were lucky that she could talk fine by this age, sentences and so forth, so that helped a bit. I still remember though that she learned to actually run on Halloween (she's an April bday)--in butterfly wings and mini chuck taylors, right into the massive crowds of the Belvedere Street halloween block party. Mr. C hadn't come with us because he was still at work, and I had one *heck* of a time manhandling her home 5 blocks uphill with that new skill and freedom fresh in her mind, never mind the butterfly wings, which made the carrying very awkward, weren't coming off without a total donnybrook ("NO, Mouse still butterfly, MOUSE STILL BUTTERFLY, NO mommy no no nononononno").

It totally got better. Hang in there all of you!

[Lorraine]

@sudru OMG, my dd is also just past 12 months and really starting to be difficult (diaper changes are impossible, starting to try to take her diaper off, wants whatever other kids at playground have, pushes other kids at playground, I'll steal previous posters word-since 6 weeks has been a craptacular sleeper, but now even worse, arches back when I deny her the chokng hazard she is reaching for and practically falls out of my arms so I put her down and she starts wailing, and on and on). You guys have me scared s***less for 18-21 month period. She is teething and just starting to get signing and almost walking. I keep telling myself it's all those things and not a demon possesing her soul. I know this post is about 18 mo olds but thanks for the vent anyway.

[Anna]

17 months here: Constant nursing? Check. Hour-long rocking sessions to get her to sleep? Check. Multiple teeth coming through at once? Check. Sudden shyness and frustration that comes out of nowhere? Check. Yelling at the babysitter? Check. New words and sentences? Running (and falling)? Hitting the dog? All mama, all the time? Check, check, check, check.

Sleep is still crappy, but it's been SO bad all along that the difference is really not all that big of a deal.

I've had to break out the Lansinoh for the first time since she was a newborn.

Lots of "maybe she'll be the only child" conversations around here...

(But watching her learn all these new concepts and her own wants is so fun. She can wake up from her nap and say "park? ... slide, wee! ... keys, car, go ... park, please?" It's still such a trip for us to get that glimpse into her thoughts and planning process.)

[Carmen]

My 18-month-old has never slept through the night and still night nurses while co-sleeping so I truly didn't notice much of a difference in any pattern as far as sleep goes. We're going to try to night-wean around Christmas break (hubby and I are in the educational system so we'll have a few weeks off work).

I am amazed at how much knowledge it seems he's aquired in just the past few weeks. We can now count to ten (while skipping 7 of course), point to everything in our picture books, say a ton more words and understand A LOT of mommy and daddy's questions (example: "hand me your cup" "Stop doing that" "Are you hungry?" " Do you want to watch a movie?")

Honestly, I think this is the coolest my kid has ever been. I'm missing him more and more while I'm at work. I check in with the sitter in the afternoon's just to hear all the cute/cool/funny things he's done:)

[hilahil]

we just made it through to the other side here at 20 months, and i don't want to jinx it, but it gets SO much better! we went from waking multiple times in the night again and starting to hit, bite, and kick when frustrated, along with a couple horrific temper tantrums (gagging, she was crying SO much, and she totally seemed traumatized afterwards... so did my husband, but that's another post!) to a happy, peaceful, silly, singing sweetheart. PLUS: she's been sleeping all night again and - get this - sleeping in until 7am! which is truly a revelation in our house. enjoying it while it lasts!

[katydid]

It was bad, and then it was fabulous. This is when my child seemed to wake up. He never seemed asleep, he was always clever, observant, energetic. But I did not know how much more there was to him until this change happened...a change that I can only describe as an awakening. At 17 months, he became clingy, nursed all of the time, and the sleep...he never slept through the night, but at 17 months, he starting waking hourly, protesting any sleep, refusing to go down. And he had always been a consistent napper, when at 17 months naps went from 3 hours to 30 minutes. But, miraculously at 18 months he started only waking once per night, going to sleep peacefully, and napping 3 hours again. And this "wake up" was beautiful. He began to name everything in sight. He wanted to repeat every word I said. He ate up books with pictures and insisted on giving a name to everything. Anyone ever see "The Miracle Worker"? Well, it was just like that moment when Helen Keller starts to be able to sign everything to Annie Sullivan. They run all over the yard and house signing it all, and Helen seemingly develops into a social, enlightened being. That is what happened with my son. His shyness around everyone except me turned into embracing every person he saw. He did not want to be in the stroller, he wanted to walk everywhere. He wanted to push the elevator buttons, cook with me, type on the computer, and eat all kinds of new things. He became aware of going to the bathroom, and started announcing whenever he tinkled or pooped. First he cocooned, and then he spread his wings. Thanks to previous posts about 18 months, I survived when he turned 17 months and I thought we'd never make it!

[Alice]

We just came through that barely!! My son just turned 2y, two weeks ago and he is like a new baby/boy. Now he is so charming and loving, and funny and shameless, it's great.
He is really verbal so never had that frustration of not being able to tell me what he wanted, but he made up for it in willfullness! Diaper changes and going outside were the worst. I would have to literally wrestle him to the ground to get on a new diaper- standing diaper changes happened often, though they are not very effective- and he would not go in the stroller, and would not hold my hand if we walked. "BY MYSELF!" was/is big with him. and like @Kristie, we live in a big city, so no hand holding means no going out. When I was pregnant at least I could pick him up if we were already out somewhere, but after#2 was born, she was(and is) always in the sling.
It's gotten so much easier over the last few weeks. It's amazing. Getting dressed is no longer torture! He climbs in the stroller himself! Nap time and bedtime are still a little tricky, I have to lay down next to him or he wont settle down and go to sleep, and he's into a real mama only phase (may have more to do w/ the new little sister than his age, or maybe it's both) but once he's down he's out for the night or 2-3 hour nap, it's awesome.

[Michelle]

We just got through this. It took a month. We had 10 months of beautiful sleep and Kapow! We went to waking every few hours, a week long sleep strike in which she would only sleep in our bed, days in which she had nap strikes as well, a flourishing vocabulary, and oh, the eye teeth coming through just was the cherry on top. Believe it or not though, after that month was over...the month that I thought I had a 4 month old sleeping schedule, we are all now sleeping better than ever and we didn't do anything different other than ride it out. I was a lot more relaxed with this regression. I was put out, yeah, but I think because the results were audible (seriously, new words were coming by the hour as well as the addition of the question Why?). I noticed her physical abilities were better too. She can run! hang in there, it does get better. It takes you off guard 'cause you had it good, ,but I swear, it goes back to good!

[Goldilocks]

This. Age. Sucked. And it sucked like no other developmental hiccup sucked -- we're talking full-scale, one-way airfare, "are the gypsies still buying kids?" suck-it-tude.

I see it as the age when babyhood (oh sweet, pliant babyhood) is finally left behind and Personhood begins. So at the same time that the kiddo is wrestling with the big disconnect between all the things they WANT to do vs. all the things they CAN do, you're slapped upside the head with being unable to jolly or distract them out of their funk. Thank God I was still nursing... until I figured out new tricks to add to my bag, that was often the cosmic reset button for both of us.

The worst part is, 9-10 months can be so cuddly and darling (after that regression is over), I can understand how many people get suckered into thinking "let's have another one!" And then you've got a newborn, a rabid wolverine and a strong desire to just weep quietly in the corner for the next 18 years.