You're not getting a good post today, because...

...in the past 14 hours:

• removal of old sofa bed (I now know how to dismantle one!)
• cleaning up the space where that had been (you can't even imagine what was under there)
• 2 projectile puking sessions from the three-year-old
• cleanup from all that
• internet out at home
• cleaning lady came and tried to navigate my reorganization of the apartment
• registering my 6 1/2 year-old for his new school (more on that once I have an opinion)
• delivery of new furniture

Oh, and I have two guests coming to stay for three days tonight.

Hee.

So there's no Q&A toady. Just something I was thinking about after the second puking session last night, when my son didn't want me to put new pajamas on him after I washed him off in the tub. He just wanted to sit snuggled in a towel on my lap while I sat on the closed toilet in the bathroom.

There's no doubt in my mind that cleaning up vomit is one of my least favorite parenting tasks. But there, nestled with my cheek against his head, him snuggling into me because all he wanted was to be in my arms, was one of the sweetest things I've ever experienced. (More so because this was the child that I didn't feel I connected with for the first year of his life.)

So I'm wondering if any of you had felt like sometimes the super-bad things are connected to, or have led to, the best things. In your relationships with your kids, or course, but also in other areas.

Comments

[michelle]

Of course! Sick kids bring out my warmest maternal instincts.

I'm not sure about other areas. I guess it depends. On one hand, it is true that losing a friend to breast cancer caused me to REALLY value life in a way that I had not, previously.

On the other hand, hard times are traumatic and I'm not convinced that there is a silver lining to every cloud.

[marci]

yeah. having my only baby in the nicu for 7 1/2 months, almost dying several times from bowel problems, having an ileostomy for a bit over a year - i'll cheerfully change poopy diapers every day the rest of my life. i'm over-the-moon proud of every little thing he's ever done or ever gonna do. pattycake is a triumph, eating is a miracle, him signing 'milk' makes me want to cry.

yes, the bad makes the good so much sweeter. :)

[Lisa S.]

This is the sneaky way in which motherlove sneaks up on you. I fully expected to love every minute of the newborn stage and felt shocked and guilty that I didn't. Then suddenly, he would puke or have diarrhea, and I realized that instead of feeling grossed out or annoyed, I wanted to hold him. Finally. Our bond grew from those times, as I guess they do, when you freely admit you don't know what to do but your instinct calls out to you to provide comfort.

[peaceinyourcrib]

this is a good post.

[eep]

It is no surprise that good things follow the bad. Anger, depair, frustration, and fear (especially fear) can crack your armor and open you up so that you can really really feel the good stuff. The closest I have ever been to my husband was one night when my son was a few weeks old. I had a complete and total meltdown stemming from all kinds of things, the main being my fear that I was the worst mother in the world. My husband wrapped me up and rocked me as I rocked our son. He stayed up with us while the boy and I slept peacefully for the first time in a while. I still feel closest to my son, who is 14 months old, when I am comforting him after crying jags. His crying jags. Usually.

[heather]

Definitely! When my daughter was about 11 months old she caught a nasty stomache bug. She woke up wailing at 04:00 and when I picked her up from her crib, she barfed in my hair and down my back. There was so much barf it even splattered on the floor.

I was in a panic, thinking I should get her to the hospital or phone the doctor or something...then she signed "milk", nursed, and fell asleep in my arms. Like Moxie, I realized all she wanted was me.

[pnuts mama]

often the super-bad things are what gives me the clearest perspective on the rest of my life- big and little things.

***
can i just say that the past few days have reminded me of all the reasons why i love being a part of this community? your honesty, your willingness to be vulnerable and share the lowest of lows along with the highest of highs- y'all are the kind of people that i could have over and not freak out that i hadn't cleaned the bathroom...and for a control-freak like me, that is huge...

[Sidney]

When my eldest child (5) is sick, it is the only time she doesn't fight- with anyone. She is as sweet as a lark, as gentle as a lamb and just says the cutest things in her high fever moments. I take advantage and sit with her as long as I can, I coddle her, hold her and talk with her.
Couple days later, back to normal, fighting, arguing, complaining, whining, etc... starts all over again.

[Victoria]

I just experienced this the other night - while not loving being up half the night, I did love having S sleep in my arms, it had been a looong time.

[taylor]

Lv had the flu about 3 weeks ago and my perpetual motion-non cuddly baby suddenly only wanted to be on my lap, with her head on my chest and held my hand for about 3 days. I felt so awful for her being sick (barfing for about 3 days) but LOVED that she needed me for a change. Things got worse when my hubby got sick, and then had to work and then i got sick - so there i was puking with LV strapped in the ergo carrier in the middle of the night because she had woken up still sick and hubby was working the graveyard shift. But we got through it as a family and she was a lot more snuggly after that.

[Lara]

Well, with a 2 year old getting 4 molars and adjusting (or somewhat adjusting - sleep regression anyone?) to her new baby brother can make for a very whiny, miserable child and mommy. But in the midst of it all last week, she stopped, looked at me and said "I love you mommy", twice. It was the first time that she has said it to me without prompting. And I melted, twice. It just makes it all so worthwhile, even the hard times.

[beth]

@eep - your comment made me cry. What a wonderful, sweet image of your husband cradling and rocking you and your son.

[enu]

So sorry life is all happening at once, Moxie. I hope puke-boy is on the mend!

I really have found that the bad things in life don't turn everything good. Having a chronically ill child is a misery; I don't see any plus side to knowing she will be sick and suffer her whole life long. My cancer has not improved my life in any eway that I can detect.

Some folks think it takes a hell to stop and... um... smell the roses, but I never agreed with that one!

[Sunbe]

More of the same I am afraid... Our high-need, mostly-carried-but-almost-never-cuddly 9 month old got stung on the arm the other day. I never want to hear *that* scream ever again, but the moment I picked her up, she snuggled in and went quiet and still as if comforted. Awful, but wonderful too.

[Kathy]

You've got to warn a person before putting up such a heartwarming post! You said it wasn't good... then WHAM! It was the best. It totally made me cry. We (or at least I) spend so much time complaining about how my son doesn't sleep, doesn't eat, has tantrums, etc that I sometimes forget the good stuff. Thanks for the reminder... now if my son will only sit still long enough for me to attack him with hugs and kisses.

[cassandra]

The images of love in this post and comments are wonderful! I think it's the small things that are some of the best. Yesterday morning my 19-month old son was not really awake yet/in a fog/a bit fussy and wanted to see me making breakfast so I was holding him in one arm (I need at least one more arm these days!) and trying to put the oatmeal in a bowl with some water and get it to the microwave above the stove. Anyway, I spilled some on the stove and said something to him about spilling and should have used two hands. Well I'm not sure if I had used the word spill around him before or not, but he was trying to say it and when I repeated 'spilled' he giggled. He kept trying to say it and I kept repeating it and he kept giggling---oh so cute! It made the fussiness/fog go away and made my morning oh so much nicer.

[marsupial jones]

i'm willing to nurse him every hour when he's sick. i love to snuggle him then. i'll get up a ton in the night. i almost love it.

and i've found that through our pain dealing with the newness of daycare, i am dealing well with his clinginess. the strangeness and newness of daycare is excruciating for both of us and i think it's drawing us closer together eventually. at first, he is distant when i pick him up but warms up quickly and we really enjoy our time together the rest of the day.

[marsupial jones]

@eep and beth:

like beth, your comment made me cry. so beautiful what we can do for each other when there is pain. humans are so wonderful.

[Chiara]

I have to delurk for this one, since I experienced it last month.
My now 20 month old got roseola and we went through 3-4 days of the fever stage on the couch, with her sleeping on us in snatches, being overtaken by her desire to get up and play, and then coming back exhausted after a few minutes to be held. She wanted to nurse a lot, even though she had been almost weaned. It had been a long time since she started being unable to get to sleep except alone in a dark room, so I was reveling in holding her while she slept. It seemed weird when I thought about it, because at the same time I was hurting with her.

So, I know exactly what you mean.

[JB]

My 3-week-old having meningitis led to a breakthrough for me. I so clearly remember sitting in the dark hospital room in the middle of the night, my son hooked up to all kinds of IVs and monitors, and trying to nurse him (again), in terrible nipple pain from the breastfeeding. I couldn't even pray. I just said, in tears, out loud, "This is too hard. I need help." And it got fractionally easier -- enough for me to do it. I could hold him, and rest, and feeding him hurt a little less, and I loved the time together and the way he curved into my body, tubes and all. I hope I never forget that I got help when I needed it.

[Julie]

Well, I just spent the whole day cuddling and breastfeeding my 17 month old who has his second terrible cold ever. He was absolutely miserable and it was painful to hear him breathe. All he wanted to do was to snuggle up, sleep and nurse. two straight hours latched onto me and many many times throughout the day. I know the time will come soon when I will want and need to wean but today I was loving the closeness and the smell and feel of his little body.

[toomuchstrong]

My dad dying at age 52 centered me as a person. The fact that I got to "take care" of him the last two weeks made me realize how strong I was.
More recently we received some bad results from my prenatal tests and thought that something was maybe wrong with our baby. The agonizing weeks while the test results came back negative gave me and my husband the opportunity to reconnect and re-evaluate our priorities and to come to appreciate the fragility of life and our immense fortune to know that we now have created two healthy babies.
I also think the occasional trying days I have with my toddler remind me not to take her wonderfulness for granted! There will always be good days and bad days...

[Mandy]

If the picture were any less a badge of courage, less proof that we walked through fire and survived, I'd burn it.

It's of me and my son, asleep on the couch, and a first glance it looks like a typical mom and baby picture. If you look closely, however, there is proof we went to the brink of death and came back.

He's about a month old, pale and pasty having recovered from bacterial pneumonia only to bleed so much after his circumcision that he was anemic and we still weren't sure if he'd come out of it without a blood transfusion.

I'm not yet 30, pale and pasty, fighting an infection of my uterus and cervix that almost killed me, that certainly caused most of his preterm labor and his pneumonia, and would ultimately lead to two surgeries and an end to any possibility of future children.

In the picture, though, we were at peace and for that moment everything was ok.

I blogged about it here, http://fireflycafe.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-happened-between-time-he-was-born.html

[caramama]

Good luck with everything, Moxie!

OT: DC Area readers/bloggers dinner out this Saturday! Who's in? Come by my blog and let me know!

[Maura]

Oh, how I understand the aversion to vomit. I hate vomit with a passion. It is the reason my husband and I have an agreement - I'll handle explosions from the rear, but he has to take all explosions from the front. Vomit is why I am becoming a horse vet. They don't do it (they just die of ruptured stomachs, but that's a story for another day...).

Strangely enough, though, one of my defining moments as a mother involved vomit.

The scene:
Post birthday party. Son and myself visiting family in Pennsylvania. Husband and dog back in Michigan. Much cake/cookies/junk was eaten at the party. Son was mightily offended to be woken while removed from carseat. Son puked all over me, my mother's carpet, himself, EVERYWHERE.

The defining moment:
When son reached up with his vomit covered hands and wrapped them around my neck, into my hair, and then hugged his little vomit covered body into my chest, I did NOT push him away, say anything negative, or vomit myself. I somewhere found it in myself to soothe him.

HOW do we do this?

[Mercysmama]

Aww hope he's feeling better soon.

And yes, sometimes the worst possible things lead to the best of things.

Wasn't labor, in those moments, the WORST POSSIBLE PAIN YOU'D EVER EXPERIENCED? And yet, from that, came your sweet, sweet child.

[Cathy]

Hope your little one is feeling better.

My question is this - why is it that it's 2 am when you realize that the poor kid must have an ear infection? I understand the fluid and lying down stuff, but why must it be that way?

And is there a name for that feeling, that wave of emotion as you think, "My poor little monkey" (you might have something else that you think) as you hold the little kid close - once the tylenol has kicked in (or the theraputic vomit) and they finally just need some heartbeeps and relax on your chest? Is it endorphins or stress hormones?

[MMM]

I love this post. Everyone's comments are so sincere, heartwrenching / heartwarming. OMG Mandy's story. I'm reading this after a particularly whiny nap going down, and I needed that kick in the rear to remind myself how incredibly lucky I am.

[Amy]

My daughter's temper tantrums are getting fiercer by the minute. So I'm trying to be calm, clear, and present. Yesterday, I asked her if she wanted a hug, and she wailed "Noooo!" and ran away, then looked at me, cried harder, hid her head ... and then ran for me. She buried her head in my chest and let the rage-tears flow. In that moment, I knew that I was being there for her in the just the way she needed me to be, not pushing, not scolding, not over-comforting, not even talking, just physically present and helping her feel her feet on the ground. It made all the failures from the rest of the week fade away.

[r+k+mama]

I was in the throes of colicky newborn hell with my son when my (then) 2 year old daughter got the stomach flu for the first time. (@ Maura- my husband and I have that same arrangement!) She had never thrown up before so she was TERRIFIED and had no concept of the toilet as a puke receptacle, so every time it came up she'd turn to ME to puke on. It was such an odd moment. On the one hand, I was getting puked on...not ideal. On the other hand, when this little being was at her lowest, most vulnerable, she turned to me to bury her head in to and I felt so needed and so loved. When we hit a lull in the pukefest I sat in a dark room and rocked her and she wrapped her fingers so tight around the collar of my shirt. I had spent so much time rocking/bouncing the baby that it had become a dreaded chore but to get the chance to hold and rock my beautiful daughter was a much needed respite and reminder of the ugly beauty of parenthood. That is until she turned her head and puked copious amounts down the inside of my shirt.

[AmyinTexas]

I confess it. I love it when my kids are sick. Not from a Munchausen's by Proxy kind of thing... but because caring for one of them when they are sick seems to be the essence of my role as a mother. Anyone in our family can do the day-to-day stuff... but no one does "nurse" like mommy does. Though normally a pretty lazy, laid back mommy, I run a tight, scheduled ship when someone gets sick, keeping detailed records of temps and medicine dosings. I know part of this comes from desperately wanting my eldest to spike a fever b/c it was the only time he would slow down! (And I *loved* it when he'd get a good bug and slow down for several days! This was bliss for a SAHM who had a very high energy little boy.) But even now years later, there's nothing sweeter than feeling one of them loll a sick head on my shoulder and contentedly and quietly just sit with me.

[Simone]

My younger son is 17 months, and a little spitfire. He's SOOO tenacious, and is more of a rare cuddle-and-run guy than a snuggle-with-Mom one. We've been worried on and off about his language development and recently got back to a good place with where he's at. The last couple of days, he's started bringing his little "owies" to me for consolation. So every time he pinches his finger, bumps his head, skins his knee, he lumbers over to me with this little lilt in his babble, and raises up the hurt area for me to kiss. Then he's on his way again. I hate watching him get hurt, but I revel in the fact that he has learned that no matter how tough he is, Mommy is there to make it all better.

[ACJ]

@enu - I'm glad you haven't found all the silver linings to the sh*t you're living with. People who can frankly make me nervous. One thing we say in our house is, "there is no 'because' but if you keep your eyes and ears open, you might discover an 'and'."

As in, my friend K's son didn't get cancer 'because' she needed to remember she loved and wanted him so much. But he did get cancer 'and' she discovered how deeply she and her family are loved by their community of friends.

I won't lie - puke hides the 'ands' for me in a big way. But I'll try. I promise I'll try.

[Missmaryao]

I wasnt expecting to need a tissue when reading the title, but your post had me in tears.
My 10month old climbed into the shower with me while I was rushing to get ready for work. I had no time and needed both my hands, but she insisted on being in there and being held. I picked her up, frazzled and feeling frustrated. Well, she promptly put her head on my chest and her free arm out under the water. And stayed like that. Nestled in. I can only imagine how cozy and safe she must have felt.
I was 20 minutes late for work- and worth every second of it.

[hedra]

@enu and ACJ, I'm on the AND bandwagon - though with a touch of the rest.

I tended to let the daily 'stuff-ness' of life wrap me in cotton batting. A crisis strips that away - what genuinely *is* important becomes the *only* stuff that is important. I don't do that as much anymore, but am still prone to it a bit. So I welcome those moments when I'm reminded to stop carrying around the minutia of life - usually doesn't take a crisis to do it, now, though.

But I definitely agree that it is the AND not the BECAUSE. My mom has said that there is no redeeming moment to be found in the death of a child (hers, in this case). There just isn't. No silver lining. So don't look. But there can be redeeming moments in what you do following that. And maybe not even then. It's why people set up the charities, petition the government, etc. It never redeems the losses, though. Just gives power to life after.

I'm someone who can find an upside to a lot of experiences, though so far they're almost all to do with stopping caring about the minutia and being open to what was buried or covered up by the minutia. Like having kids with a digestive disorder has made me really not fussed about potty training. Yes, I prefer they use the potty, but... is it good poop today? Will they have absorbed what they ate? Will they be able to grow? Yes? Then really, what else matters?

I'll admit I like sick-time snugglies, too. Never a fan of puke, but I knew I was a mom when G puked all over me without much warning, and my first reaction was, 'oh, sweetie, do you feel better now?' instead of 'EWWWWW! GROSS!' And like many here, I just layered on the towels, put a stack of teeshirts by the rocker recliner, and let him puke on me all night, cuddled up in-between.

[Aaron]

Had to stop reading after the first few comments cause the tears were flowing.
My daughter was terrible sick (puking, the poops) when she was 9 mos old. It lasted 12 days. She wouldn't keep any food down. My mama bear instinct was HUGE, I was exhausted, but didn't want to leave her side. I was scared out of my mind. Every scenario of illness poured through my head. We almost took her to the ER, but convinced ourselves that trying to hydrate her at home was better than watching them put an IV in her little arm.
I held her and slept with her and held her and slept with her for 12 days. Wow, if we weren't bonded before that we certainly were after.
At the beginning, before I was utterly exhausted, I was loving the snuggling. She was not a snuggler by nature, so when she wanted to just sit quietly in my arms... wow, I was eating that up! Luckily now at 14 mos she wants to hug and kiss more. Yay! Just in time for me to go back to work. Sigh...

[ls]

Yes, I think I am very good at the sick kid parenting, any kind of "crisis" or emergency that comes up but not-so-good at the day-to-day stuff, as it wears away what little patience I have.

[Day]

Two weeks ago I was trying to get myself over the top a safety gate with one of my 14 month old twins, J. My flip flop got caught on the top of it and we went down on kitchen tile - hard. I was able to twist him away from a direct impact (I took the fall) but he did get scraped on some cabinets on his way down. J is the most independent of my three; he wants to squiggle away whenever I hold him. After the fall though, he clung to me and I held him for over an hour through his post-wailing sighs. We snuggled the rest of that day and now are far more bonded than in the past. To finally connect with him - to finally feel him need me - is powerful.

[Amy]

Yeah, I always feel guilty for liking it, a little, when they're all sick and snuggly.

Best "hack" for puking kids - put a beach towel or two under them where they're sleeping. That way when they puke, and they don't make it to the bucket/toilet, there's a chance that you'll be able to catch it all in the towel and not change the whole bed. Sometimes it goes through, anyway, but it's way easier to wash a towel than a whole set of sheets (and we have a lot more towels than sheets at our house).

Hope everyone's on the mend.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Amy]

Yeah, I always feel guilty for liking it, a little, when they're all sick and snuggly.

Best "hack" for puking kids - put a beach towel or two under them where they're sleeping. That way when they puke, and they don't make it to the bucket/toilet, there's a chance that you'll be able to catch it all in the towel and not change the whole bed. Sometimes it goes through, anyway, but it's way easier to wash a towel than a whole set of sheets (and we have a lot more towels than sheets at our house).

Hope everyone's on the mend.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Gina]

Like many of the previous commenters, I have very high energy son, Thomas, who generally eschews cuddling so I too enjoy the closeness he wants during the bad times.

When he five months old, I went back to work two days a week at my “old” job which was an hour (or more) commute from home.. My husband stayed home with Thomas on those days. After about a week back to work, I got a call; I could hardly hear my husband over Thomas’ screaming. My husband told me that Thomas had fallen over while sitting up on the bathroom floor, hitting his head and face on the sink pedestal and trash can before finally smacking hard into the floor. Husband was panicking and Thomas would not stop crying. I suggested singing, Tylenol, and a soothing bath and told him to call me back in ten minutes if things hadn’t improved. Although I was calm on the phone, I packed up my things and was already making my way to the car when my husband called back to say there was no improvement. I raced home, feeling physically ill knowing that my baby was in pain and scared and I wasn’t there. When I walked in, Thomas was no longer screaming but was giving out little sobs while his father rocked him. I picked him up, laid him down between us in bed and nursed him. He instantly quieted and fell asleep in only a few minutes. He woke up totally fine (albeit a bit bruised). It felt so right to be able to give him the comfort he needed. The whole incident played a part in why I changed jobs a couple of months later to one where I am now less than ten minutes from home.

[BRash]

It seems so horrible to say, but I love when my 22 month old son gets sick. He's just never been very cuddly, and we he's sick my husband and I just sit around all day, trading him back and forth to cuddle all day. I still remember the first time. We would argue about it "It's my turn to hold him!" I felt so bad for him, of course, but it was nice for us to get that chance to excessivly snuggle with our baby.