Q&A: shifting expectations and newborn energysuck

R writes:

"I'm a band widow.  My dh is involved in two bands, both practice once to twice per week.  We have been married for almost a year and have a two month old baby as well as an eight year old from a previous relationship of mine. 

Dh and I have several arguments over who is the most tired.  He works a very physical job and handles a lot of the physical things around the house because I have a back injury.  I had hyperemesis through the pregnancy, and midway through he decided we should also start our own business.  SO, a home business, two bands, work, and being a caregiver as well as parent, husband, etc and I think dh is a little over loaded.  When we finally ever get time to ourselves, we're both usually exhausted and spend the time sleeping on the couch watching movies.  For me, it went from hyperemesis to colic and dealing with a very sore back.

We went on vacation and I really wanted dh to have some fun down time, so I arranged for that to happen.  Just as he was about to leave the campsite to have some fun, I felt super resentful and tired and worn out (there's another blog topic, camping with a seven week old baby at an outdoor music festival).  He didn't get angry, but I know he was resentful that I had promised this fun time and ended up pulling him back into the tent to watch us sleep and keep me company.

I don't know if I should feel bad about being like this.  I'm glad dh has a life and interests and it's why I fell in love with him.  Over the past year I've lost my life almost entirely, beyond making sure this baby is healthy and happy.  I know he's worked hard to support us though.  The problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I did have time off.  My energy is still zapped from pregnancy and after breast feeding and soothing a colicky baby for 1/3 of the day, I don't think a night on the town would last much more than an hour.

This too shall pass is my mantra... but I'm pretty sure that beyond the colic and the back injury and the rest of it, I'll still be a band/extra curricular widow."

How much would I love to be able to work in a "one time, when I was at band camp" joke here?

You know how musicians all seem so sexy and righteous? Masters of their craft? In touch with the beauty and power of the universe? And hot? Totally. I've been spouting off lately to my RL (regular life) friends, "My forever husband is going to be a musician..." with stars in my eyes. The reality, though, is that musicians don't just sit around playing songs they wrote for you in between bouts of taking out the trash and selling millions of MP3 downloads. It's practice and rehearsal and gigging and traveling to gigs and setting up and breaking down and all kinds of other stuff that's a lot of hard work and not at all glamorous or particularly fulfilling (especially for the observer). And then there's no guarantee that they'll ever be able to make a living at it, either, so they have to take other jobs, which, if they're lucky, mean playing for other people, which is more rehearsal and gigging, etc.

But what you guys are dealing with isn't really about the bands. It's about two things: getting smacked in the face by having a newborn, and dealing with two people who both have needs.

I know you went through the first-time mom thing already, but you can forget a lot in 8 years, and it sounds like you're just getting smacked by the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy and caring for a newborn. It's hard and it sucks and you need a break but at the same time you don't even know what you'd do with a break. (Does anyone else remember just walking slowly through the grocery store looking at the new products on the shelves because you didn't know what else to do when you had time away from your baby?)

At the same time, your husband has been smacked with extra physical and logistical demands, plus the freakout that can happen to men when they have a child.

So, to put it mildly, you're both engaging in your stress behavior at this point. And for some of us, that can quickly go down the road of misery poker. Misery poker, while fun, ends up being a game that no one can win, because you're disconnecting from each other and striking out from a defensive position. I know this game, and the resultant scorekeeping that happens even when things are "fine," all too well, and what happens is you end up siloing yourselves. Pretty soon you'll be living your life of resentment and he'll be living his life of resentment. Not good.

One of the things I've discovered the hard way is that you should really only have people in your life that you can be honest with. So if the people you're with aren't able to accept your honesty, then they aren't helping you be who you need to be. And if you're not being honest with the people in your life that you *can* be honest with, that's a problem you need to work on yourself.

It sounds like the camping trip falls into this category. You wanted to please your husband by letting him have his fun time, but you weren't being honest that you 1) need help, and 2) resent that he still gets to go out and walk around without a little person attached to him.

So let's recap: No sleep + physical demands + neither person talking about the stress with the other or possibly even admitting in to themselves + camping with a 7-week-old + too many things to do and not enough time to do it + watching your past life of fun recede quickly in the rear view mirror = major, resentful, ugly disconnection.

The path is clear: You need to figure out how to get connected again. It's my guess that the couples who maintain connection (assuming they had it in the first place) are able to share the misery instead of compete with it. Which means that they're a) admitting to themselves that it's hard and they're stressed and they can't really do things like, say, camping, at this point in their lives (although you will camp again!); b) admitting to each other that they're at the limit of their capacity; c) acknowledging whatever feelings the other one expresses as valid and earned; and d) giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

Ideally, you two would be able to work something out so that you get some down time and he gets some down time, too. And without question you both need to be honest with yourselves about what you need and honest with the other one, even if it makes you feel like the un-cool wife who won't "let" her husband go have fun. But don't forget that you're in the Red Zone here, that even a year from now things will be so different, and three and five and ten years from now you won't remember the actual events (unless you're holding on to resentment) if you can work through it together now.

Anyone with a good relationship want to jump in here with sympathy and/or tips?

Comments

[Kathy]

I SOOOO remember not knowing what to do with my free time when my son was very young... I even had trouble sleeping at night because I was just waiting for him to wake up. My son is now 15mo and sometimes I wonder how long he's been up because I've been sleeping so soundly. I don't know when it happened but I'm glad it did. Hang in there sistah!

[ACJ]

I don't know how many men read here, but I would love to read a post or two from them. In our group of (granted very verbal, in touch) men friends I think it is safe to say that each of them finds it surprising how much they resent their children. Love 'em, wanted 'em, care for them better than many, but can't get over how much they've ... well, wrecked might be too strong, but certainly changed their lives. One friend recently wept at bible study - "I love them but I hate what they've done to my life."

The change for women is often more gradual and in so many ways we are often more prepared for the total physical and emotional sacrifice required. But I had no idea how difficult it would be for the fathers I know and I find myself a bit more compassionate these days. I mean, where do men go to whine? Besides to the tired, worn out, over-demanded-of mothers of their children?

[Jen]

Ahhhh, some of these posts really strike home for me.
1) I totally had to re-train myself to do things away from the baby and RELAX while doing it (i.e., not thinking that baby is crying, fussing or whatever). It is still hard to do it but I'm tons better.
2) I thought that I was the only one that wandered Target aimlessly to just be out of the house. Looks like I'm part of a club.
3) Scaling back your life, goals, etc. (even if moreso in the short-term) is HARD! Knowing you can't do what you want, when you want (esp if you are very independent like me) . . . well, I struggled and do struggle with this still (our chica is a toddler now).
4) I am reminded that dads -even the FAB ones like my hubs- are just different than the moms. And, mine really is great. He just isn't the mom (and I never thought I'd say that).
Funny (?) story: I remember we were waiting for our darling girl's arrival and we talked about how things would be juggled around during the first, hard months. Well, he is in a softball league and I asked how that was going to work the first weeks . . . Hubs: "I'll just bring her in the car seat with me." Me: "umm, a newborn to the dusty ball field? In the evening?" Hubs: "Yeah." Me: "And what about when you're it he outfield?" Hubs: "Oh, I'll just leave her in the dugout with the backup players." Me: (crickets). Then, "the hell you are." Needless to say, that never happened but the fact that "plan" entered his psyche both amused and scared me. They. Just. Don't. Think (sometimes). Three days post-coming home from the hospital, I'm sitting on the couch with baby . . . bleeding, hormonal and overwhelmed . . . and he flounces off to softball (which I didn't think he was attending) b/c the team "depended on him." I was FURIOUS. We (or I should say I) had a bit of a discussion when he got back and worked out a more flexible approach to his softball (Yes, he would stay in the league; yes, he WOULD be missing some games this season.)

Sigh . . . back to my wine.

[JB]

I loved scantee's phrase "hobby whore." That is my husband exactly! Violin lessons, woodworking, photography, baking, writing... On the one hand, these are all reasons I love him and married him; he's creative, endlessly interesting and endlessly interested. BUT. I think she also put her finger on it when she said he sees himself as an individual first.

It strikes me that he would be glad for me to go to a book club or a dance class or whatever. I would just have to claim that time, and I never think to do it. I think, "We should spend time together [or doing X -- housework, whatever]" and he thinks, "Wow, I'd love to take that woodworking class," and just claims the time. I'm glad for him to do it, to a reasonable extent. I just need to make my time equally important.

I think I'll join Jen for that wine. :)

[sudru]

This past year has been the hardest year of my life and DH's...DH to me is designated hitter! My little guy will be 1 next week, and while life has certainly improved, I still have given up so much in my life...there is no garden, there are weeds, there is no filing of household paperwork, there are piles of who knows what papers. Sleep is actually starting to occur, but I am still sensitive to lack of sleep, it really fouls my mood. My husband realized from the get go that he needed to come home immediately from work to take the baby from me and he also has done the majority of the laundry since day 1. Emotionally he's not always available, that's been true of our relationship prior to baby too, so I deal, and eventually he comes around. I have to be honest about my feelings, I just can't hold them in.

[amy]

I have three unrelated things and no other way to organize them but to number them.

1. I am not good at asking for help. So much so, that not only does our 4yo hear the phrases "Use your words" and "Ask for help when you're ready", but I get them from my husband, too. And he's right. And this is going to be especially important to remember when our second baby comes in September. Last time, I would get to the point of being completely incapacitated before I recognized I needed help, and with an older child in the house, I've got to realize it and act on it sooner. That said, I can't fully discount crying while asking for help - it totally worked with my husband.

2. On the asking for help issue, this post and other comments reminded me of one of my PPD-prevention plans that might also work here. My plan is to employ a messenger to deliver the "HELP!" message.

Background: I think I had PPD last time, but because my husband doesn't believe that things like depression or anxiety are real, he didn't do enough for me when I asked him for help in that arena. So, my plan this time is to turn to my best friend and ask her for help. She's never had children, so she won't necessarily recognize PPD, but I know she trusts and loves me enough that if I ask for her help, she'll act on it. Also, she's a better judge than my husband is of when I just need to vent and when it's more than that, because we've both been through depression and panic since we've known each other.

Her job is to be the messenger. If I go to her and say, "I'm losing it, I need help NOW," her job is to go to my husband and say, "Dude. She needs help. Do it." (She's across the country now, so this is the most active job she can undertake for me.) If he hears it from her, my hope is he'll be more inclined to act on the information than if it's just his weepy wife at home who appears to need both a shower and a nap.

3. On a lighter note, a few years ago, the wife of one of my husband's friends confessed to me that TIVO saved their marriage after their second child. I was in disbelief, and she said, "No. Really. And if I could make my own bumper sticker, that's what it would say." This, from a non-bumper-stickering woman.

[Elle]

See my first thought after reading her post wasn’t that she wanted equal, or even more, time to herself. What I “heard” from her message was that she simply wants her husband home with her more. A friend, paid helper, even a family member is no substitute for your life partner and co-parent of your child when you are feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, or even just want to have someone to share the everyday joy and wonders with. It’s not all about the hard stuff, it’s also about all the adorable things your little newborn does and having someone alongside you to marvel with. I’m generally an independent woman, really self-reliant, but honestly it would hurt my feelings if my spouse chose to spend the *vast majority* of his free time doing stuff without me or our new baby. The baby is only 7 weeks old, and despite what sounds like a difficult pregnancy R seems to be coping really well with the demands of a new baby. It seems to me that she just wants her husband to be present for it. This is going to be harsh but 2 bands (that practice *once or twice a week each*) a home business, and a full-time job are too much. There are just not enough hours in a day. I’ve seen it many times – whether it is sports, video games, hobbies, even work. These guys need to get real, grow up, and cut back. Time to integrate a new role into their identity – being a dad.

[sheSaid]

can't read the other comments today but I had to chip in with EMPATHY!

My DH worked a full-time job with a really long commute, was doing a huge freelance project, took TWO classes was involved in a club, and gives to EVERYONE... that all hit about 1-2 months after the baby was born. (after 6 months he even took a trip to another country for a week!)

We needed the money from his job, I couldn't work watching the baby all the time. The baby ONLY wanted me (partly cause he didn't see daddy much) oh! and DH was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder for the oh 4 hrs of sleeping he got.

It was a mess. It was HARD. Sometimes we played the who has it worse game (or at least I was in my head). It didn't help. We took dates. Every couple of weeks we would ask someone to watch the baby and we would just be alone together. Sometimes dinner and then to a bookstore coffee shop, sometimes during the day (when baby was happiest) for lunch together. Whenever I felt us drifting apart I would call up family and we would take some time alone.

We would be really honest with how we felt. It's crazy our marriage deepened even as it stretched. And by being honest I don't mean yelling, accusing, or saying it in a hurt ful way. Sometimes what you have to say will hurt no matter what so you have to talk about it very calmly and as carefully of the other person as you can.

Also after all of that my DH learned that all of these other things were taking away from his time with us, his relationship with his child. His new years resolution was NO. He just said no to committments. Not forever, but for now. He took 6 months off of everything but work and us. And it has been wonderful. It helped him see his priorities, gain clarity, get some sanity. That is not to say he doesn't get time away or at home alone. I try and give him that. But in a way that doesn't further stress me out. I will take the baby and go to visit family or a friend or somewhere really fun for the baby so that I don't take on extra (what more CAN you take on?) so that he can get some down time. He did the same for me.

I would suggest for him to see if he can take a 3 month or 6 month or 2 month leave from everything but work and you guys. Then when he does go 'out to have fun' you have so much more of him in general it is easier on you. And he will have more energy too.

It's hard. It is a stress and experience like no other! But I think if you guys can find a way to make these early months easier down the road it will be much easier.

[just beth]

Dooode. Totally been there, too. I have a twelve year old from a previous relationship, and he was ten when we had our daughter. My husband honestly thought that I would just take care of the baby and he would continue on his way like nothing had changed. He'd hold the baby here and there, but diapers? No thanks. Rocking to sleep? Yeah, riiiight. It sucked. Really BAD. I was honest about what I needed and he tried, but it didn't really change at first.

What happened is that I started working a few hours on the weekends, and left the baby with him. Not until she was eating solids, so like five or six months, but that's when things started to change.

He and I have talked about it since, and he really gave some good perspective that maybe your husband is also experiencing. He said that there's no immediate hormonal connection between guys and babies. There's the rush of love and RESPONSIBILITY, which is really scary, he said. He said that it wasn't until later, when he could actually start caring for her himself, that they really connected. And he said that now, it is like a hormonal connection, that it just took more time. We carry the babies for nine months, and it took about that long for his hormones to really kick in. And now? Good lord. It's a mutual admiration society between the two of them. It's beautiful to see. And he's bonded MUCH more quickly with our four month old.

So there's hope! Do like Moxie says, though, and above all else BE HONEST.

Good luck!

xo

b.

[gabriela]

This is totally normal and I can really tell you that things are gonna get better! It has been a big change in your lifes! I think you should just let it flow and trust that things are gonna go back to normal someday :)

[Tsubaki]

I just want to tell you that it gets easier. I know you must know that already, since you have an older child, and everyone says it over and over, but I think sometimes it just helps to hear it as much as possible. My husband is in three bands, and I felt just like you in the early days. We were both tired and busy and working hard and he was doing everything he could to help--it wasn't like he blew us off so that he could go have fun, it was just difficult that he could go take a break and I really couldn't yet.

I know it's different with different babies, and I have a particularly "mama-only", clingy baby, but for us things started getting a LOT easier around 7 or 8 months. I just get more breaks now, as he can play on his own a little bit, sleep on his own a little bit, etc. I know it seems like a long way away now, but looking back, the whole thing seems like such a blur... Hang in there!