Q&A: shifting expectations and newborn energysuck

R writes:

"I'm a band widow.  My dh is involved in two bands, both practice once to twice per week.  We have been married for almost a year and have a two month old baby as well as an eight year old from a previous relationship of mine. 

Dh and I have several arguments over who is the most tired.  He works a very physical job and handles a lot of the physical things around the house because I have a back injury.  I had hyperemesis through the pregnancy, and midway through he decided we should also start our own business.  SO, a home business, two bands, work, and being a caregiver as well as parent, husband, etc and I think dh is a little over loaded.  When we finally ever get time to ourselves, we're both usually exhausted and spend the time sleeping on the couch watching movies.  For me, it went from hyperemesis to colic and dealing with a very sore back.

We went on vacation and I really wanted dh to have some fun down time, so I arranged for that to happen.  Just as he was about to leave the campsite to have some fun, I felt super resentful and tired and worn out (there's another blog topic, camping with a seven week old baby at an outdoor music festival).  He didn't get angry, but I know he was resentful that I had promised this fun time and ended up pulling him back into the tent to watch us sleep and keep me company.

I don't know if I should feel bad about being like this.  I'm glad dh has a life and interests and it's why I fell in love with him.  Over the past year I've lost my life almost entirely, beyond making sure this baby is healthy and happy.  I know he's worked hard to support us though.  The problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I did have time off.  My energy is still zapped from pregnancy and after breast feeding and soothing a colicky baby for 1/3 of the day, I don't think a night on the town would last much more than an hour.

This too shall pass is my mantra... but I'm pretty sure that beyond the colic and the back injury and the rest of it, I'll still be a band/extra curricular widow."

How much would I love to be able to work in a "one time, when I was at band camp" joke here?

You know how musicians all seem so sexy and righteous? Masters of their craft? In touch with the beauty and power of the universe? And hot? Totally. I've been spouting off lately to my RL (regular life) friends, "My forever husband is going to be a musician..." with stars in my eyes. The reality, though, is that musicians don't just sit around playing songs they wrote for you in between bouts of taking out the trash and selling millions of MP3 downloads. It's practice and rehearsal and gigging and traveling to gigs and setting up and breaking down and all kinds of other stuff that's a lot of hard work and not at all glamorous or particularly fulfilling (especially for the observer). And then there's no guarantee that they'll ever be able to make a living at it, either, so they have to take other jobs, which, if they're lucky, mean playing for other people, which is more rehearsal and gigging, etc.

But what you guys are dealing with isn't really about the bands. It's about two things: getting smacked in the face by having a newborn, and dealing with two people who both have needs.

I know you went through the first-time mom thing already, but you can forget a lot in 8 years, and it sounds like you're just getting smacked by the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy and caring for a newborn. It's hard and it sucks and you need a break but at the same time you don't even know what you'd do with a break. (Does anyone else remember just walking slowly through the grocery store looking at the new products on the shelves because you didn't know what else to do when you had time away from your baby?)

At the same time, your husband has been smacked with extra physical and logistical demands, plus the freakout that can happen to men when they have a child.

So, to put it mildly, you're both engaging in your stress behavior at this point. And for some of us, that can quickly go down the road of misery poker. Misery poker, while fun, ends up being a game that no one can win, because you're disconnecting from each other and striking out from a defensive position. I know this game, and the resultant scorekeeping that happens even when things are "fine," all too well, and what happens is you end up siloing yourselves. Pretty soon you'll be living your life of resentment and he'll be living his life of resentment. Not good.

One of the things I've discovered the hard way is that you should really only have people in your life that you can be honest with. So if the people you're with aren't able to accept your honesty, then they aren't helping you be who you need to be. And if you're not being honest with the people in your life that you *can* be honest with, that's a problem you need to work on yourself.

It sounds like the camping trip falls into this category. You wanted to please your husband by letting him have his fun time, but you weren't being honest that you 1) need help, and 2) resent that he still gets to go out and walk around without a little person attached to him.

So let's recap: No sleep + physical demands + neither person talking about the stress with the other or possibly even admitting in to themselves + camping with a 7-week-old + too many things to do and not enough time to do it + watching your past life of fun recede quickly in the rear view mirror = major, resentful, ugly disconnection.

The path is clear: You need to figure out how to get connected again. It's my guess that the couples who maintain connection (assuming they had it in the first place) are able to share the misery instead of compete with it. Which means that they're a) admitting to themselves that it's hard and they're stressed and they can't really do things like, say, camping, at this point in their lives (although you will camp again!); b) admitting to each other that they're at the limit of their capacity; c) acknowledging whatever feelings the other one expresses as valid and earned; and d) giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

Ideally, you two would be able to work something out so that you get some down time and he gets some down time, too. And without question you both need to be honest with yourselves about what you need and honest with the other one, even if it makes you feel like the un-cool wife who won't "let" her husband go have fun. But don't forget that you're in the Red Zone here, that even a year from now things will be so different, and three and five and ten years from now you won't remember the actual events (unless you're holding on to resentment) if you can work through it together now.

Anyone with a good relationship want to jump in here with sympathy and/or tips?

Comments

[Cathy]

Dude. I was totally in your shoes. My step-son and daughter are 8 years apart (I think. 93 and 02. Maybe it's 9. DSS was in 3rd grade when the baby was born.) And DH was becoming an Active Cub Scout leader - so, meetings at least once a week, sometimes twice, training on some Saturdays, some campouts or pack activities too. And I couldn't say it wasn't important to do. And my daughter was colicy, had trouble sleeping and very vocal/opinionated about things. (She is what you might call a spitfire to this day. Fun, but intense.)

So, you've got someone who needs to learn how to do their times tables in 5 minutes, work on transitioning from learning to read to reading to learn, someone with colic, and someone who has Important Things To Do. Oh, and DH became a little less hands-on with the boy because I was going to be home with the baby anyhow.

We went to a Cub Scout family camp out when La was 3 months old just so I didn't have to be home alone all weekend with her. That was an exercise.

Once a month Dh and I would have the "I'm tired and no one's helping me!" fight. For the most part, we split the middle of the night stuff (although I think DH handled it a little more than me, but if she was having trouble getting back to sleep, I would take it on.)

Here are my thoughts: 1. It'll get easier. 2. You're both rightfully pooped, and it won't always be that way, but I think it's important for each person to acknowledge that the other's tiredness is reasonable. 3. If the colic doesn't get better in the next month, I would start troubleshooting it with the pediatrician. 4. It's important to stay connected to DH. (So, basically, what Moxie said.)

[Bobbi]

"The path is clear: You need to figure out how to get connected again. It's my guess that the couples who maintain connection (assuming they had it in the first place) are able to share the misery instead of compete with it. Which means that they're a) admitting to themselves that it's hard and they're stressed and they can't really do things like, say, camping, at this point in their lives (although you will camp again!); b) admitting to each other that they're at the limit of their capacity; c) acknowledging whatever feelings the other one expresses as valid and earned; and d) giving each other the benefit of the doubt."

YES!!! The key is communicating honestly with each other. You can't be afraid to look at him and say, "look, I know I'm being an asshole, but I'm not handling this very well right now. I need HELP! Please?" Then go to the grocery store for 2 hours. Seriously. Read every label, and walk every aisle. Sometimes that's all it took for me to be able to breathe again.

It WILL get easier. Remind yourself of that as often as you can stomach. Good luck!

[birdie]

I just wanted to say that I totally get it. My husband is in a band and we both work outside of the home full time. Oh, and we have a 10 month old. We have been together for about 15 years, married for 8 and I can honestly say that having a kid has been the most challenging thing our relationship has ever been through.

It is true that when we both work all day and then he has to go to practice or shows that I get resentful. It feels like he just gets to keep his fun, active rock n' roll lifestyle and my life has been totally turned upside down, inside out. He also, I think, has been going through the "freak out" and partying with his friends most nights after myself and the baby go to bed. This bothers me, but when I bring it up I end up feeling like the uncool, naggy ball n' chain who won't let him have any fun.

Anyway, I guess I don't have much wisdom or advice to impart other than to just say that you are not alone and I am trying to believe all those that promise "this too shall pass."

That said, we have been trying some things that seem to be helping but these are recent changes so its a little soon to tell: We are making an effort to talk to eachother more (seems like "duh!" but its hard when we see eachother maybe 2 hours a day- and those 2 hours are full of dinner, chores, bedtime, etc.) Even if its just remembering to ask "how was your day" it seems to help break some of the ice that has some how formed between us.

We have also been making an effort to be more affectionate towards one another. It is amazing how just a lingering hug or a kiss on the nape of the neck can thaw things out a little.

These things aren't magic fixes, but they give us the feeling that we are both making an effort. Hang in there and I'll be following this post to see what everyone else has to say!

[meanderwithme]

I feel your pain. While my kids aren't as far apart (dd will be 4 in September, ds is 5 months today), there was a huge disconnect in having a husband for whom this is the first baby. We also dove (ugh, dive?) into a lot of the "who's more tired" competition.

What I'm finding -- and when I'm not feeling childish, I remember to do it -- is that if I spend time verbally empathizing with dh's exhaustions, he magically becomes a much nicer person. He even then goes out of his way to empathize with me. It often feels unfair; I'm the one who *always* has to take the first step of empathy. Just the same, our house is a much nicer place to be when/if I suck it up and don't sulk.

Now, if only I could get a magic pill that helped him be more tuned in on a regular basis! He's an INTP and so, so, so oblivious at times...

(((hugs))) It will get better. Even now, things are better for us, just with ds getting past 4 months.

[meanderwithme]

@birdie

"We have also been making an effort to be more affectionate towards one another. It is amazing how just a lingering hug or a kiss on the nape of the neck can thaw things out a little."

YES. DH isn't a particularly touchy person (his mother wasn't very affectionate, grumble), but when he DOES remember to even just give me a hug or a touch, that lingers for the rest of the night -- and I feel much more giving toward him. Now, if I can just figure out what will turn that key for him!

[Christiana]

It will get better. Remind yourself of that every day. Even the good days.

As far as trying to find some balance, can you take a few hours in the middle of a weekend day instead of trying to do something at night? The first time I had free time without my daughter was in the middle of a Saturday, I put her down for a nap and my husband said,"go." Sure, I was gone for only about an hour (maybe a bit more) and I just went to the library, but I got to have an hour off. A mini-vacation. It helped.

We do this for each other periodically - he goes out with the guys maybe once a month, I go out with the girls not as frequently, maybe, but just knowing it's an option helps. And we try and go to a movie or dinner with no kid in tow (I'm lucky that I have lots of family around to babysit, I know not everyone has that luxury) once a month. Trust me, a meal of appetizers at Chili's can look like a high-class evening when you're tired and stressed.

[rudyinparis]

Here’s what jumps out at me right away…. “He decided we should also start our own business… I’ve lost my life almost entirely… I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did have time off… I’m a band widow…” My very first thought is that even though it may seem silly, I think you should carve out a consistent, scheduled time for yourself to be out of the house and away from everyone there. I started doing this last winter—Thursday nights are my nights. And, yes, I have spent at least one wandering the aisles of a drugstore and then going back home. But—I can’t even tell you how huge the psychological effect was on me, almost right away. It’s wonderful to have that time, and I look forward to it all week. I know you’re nursing, and exhausted, and that’s why I say it may seem silly or not worth the bother—but I think it is. So what if it’s just for an hour? That’s okay, you know? I have a hunch this time will come to mean a lot to you. Also, I’m not a band widow, but I am a football widow. And since we’ve had kids, this has become a little bit of a source of contention. Like you describe the camping trip, I’m the same way with football. I want him to have fun. He works hard, he’s a great dad, and I love him. Yet still this resentment can flare up. So I was proactive this year. I actually signed up for a running clinic and agreed to run in a distance race in early October. The clinic meets Sunday mornings and (conveniently) Thursday night. DH has been awesome about this. And the time I’ll have spent training will almost exactly match the time he spends this fall watching football (Sunday afternoons and evenings). So now I find I’m actually looking forward to football season, because he really does deserve that time and it’s no more or less than the time I’ve grabbed for myself. It’s true that a successful couple shouldn’t always be keeping score this way—I get that—but I think when a baby and all that comes with that enters the picture, both sides need to be real clear about the time they’re taking and the balance of responsibilities. *Take the time for yourself.* I’ll also just add that I’m a big believer in counseling, even (or especially) for couples that are relatively happy. Just the act of taking that time and really focusing on your life together as a couple can do a lot of work toward healing resentment. I know you’ll get through this—you’re in the middle of such a crazy, exhausting time. Hang in there!

[Aaron]

All I can say is keep talking. My DH and I are in the middle of this same thing. Our daughter is now 13 months old and I have not returned to work yet, so I know things are going to change even more. Although I have a feeling I won't be quite as resentful as I will have a little bit of my "old" life back too. We have the same discussions about who's more tired etc... and I still feel resentment towards him when he can simply walk out the door without a little one attached to him, or seemingly without even a thought of her.

My DH needs to tune in a little more too, and I like what one person said about being completely honest with your feelings. Not being afraid to say, "sorry I'm testy it's just that I'm overwhelmed by everything right now and don't know what to do next half the time". Usually that doesn't come out of my mouth and I have to make a way bigger effort if I want our marriage to continue. So that's my resolution as of today. BE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS instead of lashing out b/c of them and expect him to understand - cause he won't. Thanks everyone!!

[chapmanchick]

My DH is an entrepreneur so the hours are super long during the week and frequently during the weekend too. And for me, it was easy to sleepwalk thru the day (nurse baby, feed mama, shower with baby in the bathroom, nap with baby, nurse baby, feed mama blah blah blah) and I felt disconnected from DH which added to the overall feeling of becoming disconnected from the outside world.

I started to grab any possible moment where I wasn't needed for myself. Sometimes it was going to the bathroom when DS was napping. Or when he was content to sit and watch me read. It was about being *aware* of those sometimes brief moments where I could just close my eyes and BREATHE. Getting out of the zombie-like state and living consciously.

It was also during this time I developed an addiction to Decaf Grande Lattes. And few things make me happier to this day.

Hugs to you, momma! Hope this helps in some small way.

[mom2boys]

Been there, too. No advice except that now that Bean is sleeping through most nights things are a LOT better. I wish I could say that there was something I said to make my partner understand that their life was still their own while mine had been hijacked by this screaming, needy, helpless, fabulous but life draining baby. The message never got through. But Bean got older and I'm getting more sleep and taking care of Bean is so much less stressful now than it was when he was a screaming hyena. He plays and crawls and giggles and gives hugs. Even though he still lives attached to my hip, it's so much better at this age and I feel less resentful about my loss of freedom.
Somehow this turned into an ode to the Bean and very little relevant on mending a strained relationship. I honestly never found away to not feel guilty about asking for what I needed knowing it wasn't what the other person wanted to give. When I did manage to find or take time for myself, even a few hours alone getting a pedicure or sitting in a bookstore really helped.
As far as feeling left alone because of the life your DH has away from you and the kids- been there, too, and the thing that has helped the most is defining my time, your time and our time and trying to find a balance we could both live with.

[Moxie]

rudyinparis, good point. And the whole "not keeping score" thing doesn't mean that one person gets the shaft and just takes it with a glad heart. It means that you're working together to try to make things as fair as possible, so each of you gets what you need. When you're both doing that, then the minutia isn't as important.

(How far is your race in October?)

[hydrogeek]

With a 19 month old daughter and at 6 months pregnant again, this is still something we're struggling with. I'm a farm widow, which doesn't ever end. I think I'll just stalk here today, because although lots of open communication has helped some, I still feel like we have a long way to go.

[pnuts mama]

no time to do more than just commiserate at this point- and agree that no one wins at the game of misery poker. also to agree that communication is key and to go at the whole thing as teammates on the same team- not against each other. co miserate together. and rudyinparis is right that doing something for you and not feeling an ounce of guilt over it is key.

hang in there. we're doing a weekend away in a few days that is mostly for my husband and i am dreading what i know will suck about it- and trying to focus on what will be the good parts. but it is soooo hard not to be resentful at times. so very hard.

[deardiary]

First, I love this site. Thank you, Moxie, for doing what you do. Second, I am a band widow as well. My hus and I have a darling 5 mo old daughter who has been my sole responsibility for the last 2 weeks as he has been out on the road. I’m exhausted and so is he, only his heart is being ripped out b/c he is 2,500 miles away and missing her, so I try to not complain too much as I know he would prefer to be home. We had an agreement, early on, that there would be no touring for the first 3 months (thank goodness, as she was quite colicky) and practice once during the week and once on the weekend. This has served us well, but there is more touring on the horizon. My biggest complaint is keeping him happy when he's on the road, I know he misses her, but I don't have the time or energy to make sure he is ok when I'm drowning in the daily-ness of it all. I mean, I used to be out there having fun with him and now he is off on his own and I know he isn’t having as much fun, but he is still spreading his wings and I would by lying if I didn’t say I’m a bit jealous. I’m still in that weird space where I miss the old life and love the new life…I want to have my cake and eat it too. The good news is, when I do get to go out to a local show, it is the same old crap and the same old people doing it and after an hour of being out I start wondering what the baby is doing and how she is. My fear is that I’m losing my life/identity by my own hands…instead of enjoying my free time, my thoughts always wander back to her. I think I would judge myself if they didn’t. It is a weird walk that I think we all just get used to…I hope. Ya know, I used to be funny and interesting and now I cannot remember my name and hope I’m not using my daughter as a safety blanket because I’m becoming rather dull. Ugh, I intended on giving advice and I just spewed out a disjointed diary entry…

[TodayWendy]

"The problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I did have time off. "

I can totally empathize with this one. I'm pretty low energy anyway, so having time off from baby really felt like "why am I bothering? anything I do will just make me more tired, so why on earth am I even leaving the house?" For me the trick is to find something easy to do. A book that is easy to read and doesn't require much thinking, comic books can be especially good. Just go sit at a coffee shop and people watch. Arrange to meet a friend for an hour and sit somewhere. For me it has to be somewhere local so I'm not spending a lot of time getting there. Anything where I'm winding up more tired after the break just doesn't work for me.

Good luck. Like everyone else says, it will get better.

[caramama]

I'm always preaching communication, but as others have said, it really is key. Both people have to be honest and sympathetic (even if you feel more resentful, at least sound sympathetic--it's important) and really lay out how you feel and what you need.

Hubby and I have had a few talks throughout, well our whole relationship, but especially since baby which center around who need what at this time and what we have to both do to give that person what they need. This means we will lay out everything we are doing by ourselves, together and as a family and see what we can cut back on or expand in each area.

An example: Like rudyinparis, I'm also a football (and fantasy football) widow come fall, and although I love to watch football I feel like I can't enjoy it because I need to watch the baby. I feel like he gets to do his fun thing but I don't get to do mine and I miss out on the football watching we used to do together. So we talked and made some agreements. We will go to the sports bar and grill together as a family. When watching TV at home, he will set up a safe area for the toddler to play while he watches her and the games--and if I'm interested I will hang out too. During games important to him but not me, I'll take the little one and go do something. Monday nights, I will put our girl to bed so he can enjoy Monday night football.

In return? Hmmm, I don't know. I guess he will give me time on Saturdays to write and read or go out or something. We haven't worked that part out yet. But some time doing something for me, that we agree on.

About the guilt at pulling back when you want to give them a break: I had a big meltdown at some point during my PPD and talked about this kind of thing with my therapist. She made a great suggestion. She basically suggested using a scale to say where each person was in dealing with something. Like have my husband say he wanted to get to work early to get some stuff done which rated a 5 on the scale of importance to him. Then I would rate how much I needed him to stay late and help me with the baby because I had been up most of the morning and was at my wits end with was a 9 on the scale. So he would stay and help me. It was a way to be honest with each other and not try to martyr yourself but end up feeling resentful because they didn't need the time away more than you needed them there. Does that make sense? It worked really well for us.

The other thing I wanted to say was that I know some people who have a babysitter or trade watching the kids in the week in order to get some times to themselves when their partners can't give them that time. Maybe that's something to consider. It's also good for together time, like a date night. But that might not happen just yet.

[MO]

My only comment is that I think both parties have to "stall" on their extra curricular activities for the first 6 - 9 or so months. I think it can be communicated to the husband that we are a family, we elected to take on this extra life and so for this very short period I need you here. I promise this isn't going to stick forever and we should both be able to start adding back in our individual time in a couple months and ease back into those things. In the meantime, we need you here.

(especially when the new baby is colicy... that in itself means we need you here now)

Additionally, I would strongly suggest getting out of the house with the baby when it is just the two (or three incl your older child) of you - wear him/her in a pouch and walk to the coffee place, book store, just around the block a couple of times. Somehow, it helps.

Hang in there.

[attiton]

About a week after Rabbit was born, I was being driven down the street and, in my tired stupor, all I could do was stare out the window at store signs. You know, like, "$29.99 Lube Work TODAY ONLY!!" And it hit me, "Someone had the time and the brainpower to MAKE THAT SIGN TODAY!! WHO HAS THE TIME TO MAKE SIGNS WHEN THERE ARE BABIEEEEES!!!"

This may have only been the beginning of my PPD, but it is all in the past now. I can now see how people have the time to make signs.

But I doubt that they are mothers with newborns.

[rudyinparis]

Moxie, it’s 10 miles! The training takes up a lot of time, to tell you the truth. Above and beyond the scheduled clinics. But for me doing this is all wrapped up in my quitting smoking, too. The race falls just about a week past my one-year anniversary of quitting. I have a lot of big thoughts around all this, but will save them for a later date! I’m sure stuff will ooze out into my comments in the upcoming weeks. (Odd imagery there.)

Deardairy, I think you actually perfectly describe the push-and-pull of taking the time to be apart from the baby! And I don’t think you’re becoming boring (and I suspect you know that, too)—I think this is a big transition time for you and R and the others posters that are in the same phase. I have a friend who’s really into astrology and she always tracks when Mercury is retrograde and reminds me that those periods are times to sit back and cut yourself slack, not try to make big strides forward. Think of “re” words, she says: review, renew, revive, replenish… etc. So maybe being in this phases is the mama version of Mercury retrograde… Go easy on yourselves!

[AmyinMotown]

This could be the story of my marriage since my little girl got here a three and a half years ago. We had such a hard time that first year, and those scars never really got healed over many many tough times the next three. The I got pregnant with #2 and his mother (who is a story in herself) was diagnosed with cancer and his brothers, who all have kids in college or late high school with the exception of one whose youngest was 10, were expecting far more of us than I thought was reasonable, which he allowed himself to be guilted into, placing a lot of load on me in the exhaustion of early pregnancy. I blew up after years of simmering resentment and told him I wanted out.

We decided to stay together and start over, and instituted a program of checking in with each other once a week. One thing I finally told him was that I thought he had been nowhere near helpful enough when our daughter was born, that he seemed to think I could just come home two days after a c-section and be fine.

And this time? Well, it's not a stellar moment in our marriage to be sure, we irritate each other a lot right now, but I think we're doing a good job of not, as Moxie put it so well, "silo-ing" ourselves, we both acknowledge a lot that this is impossible, that we are exhausted and that we both are at the ends of our rope a lot of the time. It helps, and helps me keep my patience with him when we both just have NONE LEFT. My hope is that by staying on the same side, as it were, we can get back to "us" again sooner once the baby starts sleeping through and the three and a half year old deals with her sibling issues.

That said,you both need to acknowedge that maybe your lifestyle needs to change a little. Camping at a music festival isn't really 7-eek-old friendly, and maybe hhe doesn't need to be out with his friends every night. Assuming your baby was planned, you both wanted this and both need to give a little and understand life will never be the same --but I promise, it does get better!

[Shannon]

I'm chiming in late due to a work meeting, but I just want to add that it seems like the too much work/too little personal time thing is universal. It's hard because you get so few breaks, and you have to suddenly prioritize what you're doing with your free time. Everybody always emphasizes date nights, but honestly, all I want to do is have a babysitter so I can watch TV all day. But then you feel like you wasted your free time, and that you need to get out. I miss the days where I just had endless free time (okay, besides work) to just waste watching I Love the 80s on VH1.

Lately I've been thinking about how I really feel like a good weekend would have a balance of hanging out doing nothing and going out and doing something. The problem is, when you're hanging out with a baby/toddler/child, you really AREN'T doing nothing. So your life consists of the stress of your job (be that outside the home or inside), followed by the stress of your child. When's the break? And I think it's hard because my husband sees weekends as break time. He can sleep in, he can get a slow start to the day reading blogs or the newspaper, he can still watch his TV shows and play his video games. I feel like my whole weekend life consists of an endless stream of toddler-based activities.

[JB]

I don't have any tips -- even though my husband is REALLY good at helping with the kids, he just hasn't bothered to train himself to see what needs to be done around the house otherwise, and will do things like leave lunches half finished if he thinks of something else he wants to do (he did that this morning, so it's still simmering) -- but just a shout-out to those days walking the aisles. The first time I left my baby and toddler with my husband, I went to Target and spent an hour just looking at things. I didn't buy anything at all. Not even a coffee. I felt like I'd been poleaxed. Better now.

[hush]

Amen to all who have said it DOES get better with time. I think hedra once wrote here about the first year or so of having a new baby being like Survival Mode. We're not ourselves - we're just trying to find the new normal. As in don't make any rash decisions when you haven't slept a full night through in so long it's not even funny anymore.

When my DS was 4 months old, I almost left my hubby due to many of the same frustrations that others here have experienced. What almost did us in was my feeling that hubby did not get what I was going through and left all of the heavy lifting to me while his life remained the same & his feeling that I was not the gal he married and had been replaced by a haggard pod person from the planet beeyotch.

Five months and many arguments, conversations, & "come to Jesus"-type moments later, and I am so very glad we decided to hang in there. Not normal yet, but at least livable.

[Shandra]

I think I'm harsher than some of you but my reaction was that with a two month old colicky baby, at least one of the bands ought to get a replacement.

[Cloud]

Big hugs. It does get easier! But not so much easier that it isn't worth trying to find a way that you can both be happy. I don't have the band widow thing going, and my hubby did the freakout, go out with the guys a lot thing before the baby was born, so I'm not sure my advice will be much help. But I think we've done a pretty good job of finding a way of living that works for both of us, so maybe there is something in what we do that will help you.

Anyway, here are the things we do/did:

1. Early on, when all I wanted for a break was some decent sleep, Hubby would take Pumpkin out for a long walk, and I would sleep. This was the best thing ever. Everything is so much easier to deal with if you get a little more sleep.

2. I had an all day conference to go to when Pumpkin was 6 weeks old. It was hard, but so worth it. Hubby got a chance to find his way with Pumpkin. I got a chance to talk to adults. You'll be amazed how excited you are to see even that colicky baby again after several hours away. Maybe you can't hack a whole day away, but try to schedule at least an hour. It will do wonders, I promise.

3. We try to meet once a month for a date lunch. Obviously, this didn't start until we were both back at work, but it gives us some adult together time without the baby. We also do the occasional date night, and even the night away in a hotel (courtesy of my parents), but the date lunch is particularly helpful because it is a regular thing. For us, date nights, etc. depend on how Pumpkin is sleeping and how exhausted we are. But no matter how tired we are, we're at work during the week, and we have to eat lunch....

4. I had two big "extracurriculars" before the baby- a monthly book club and a weekly Irish session (I play fiddle). I still go to the book club every month, but the session is done to once a month or less. Hubby's extracurriculars are weekly rugby game (to watch) and the occasional movie. I started going back to book club the second month after Pumpkin was born. Hubby started showing the rugby again about 4 weeks after Pumpkin was born. I think it helps that we both have our "things", and that we both gave up some things to handle the changes that come with having a baby. It took us some negotiating to find the right balance, but now we each get the frequency of nights out that we need.

5. One of the hardest thing for us was the loss of our "Friday night at our local pub" ritual, which used to be our way to reconnect after the work week and really talk. Hubby talks better with a beer in his hand... Anyway, at some point we started doing "Friday night chats" at home. At first, only Hubby had a beer, but as Pumpkin got older, I started joining him for the beer, too. Me having a beer is actually pretty important to him, which leads to these funny times when I feel like I "have" to have a beer. Anyway, the point is that you need to try to find some way to replace your previous ways of reconnecting.

I don't want it to sound like we have some sort of perfect happyland set up. We don't. I would like more sleep and snuggle time. Hubby would like more sex. We are constantly talking and coming up with new ideas to keep the connection between us and keep us both reasonably unresentful while also meeting Pumpkin's evolving needs. The key thing is to keep talking, and talking honestly. I agree with the PP who said that it is OK, and even good, to say "I'm sorry I'm being such a sh** lately. The baby is hard to handle during the day and I'm at the end of my rope. Can we talk about how we can make this better?"

Wow, that is a long post. I hope some of it is helpful. Good luck!

[Summer]

I didn't have to time to read all the other comments, so I may be repeating others here, but this one struck home so I just had to weigh in...

My boyfriend (I need to come up with a different term; we've been together for four years, own a home together, and have a son together... boyfriend just sounds like we go to the after football game dances together or something) is also in a band, and while they do quite well for themselves... well, they stay busy anyway... it is a ton of work and he also has a day job. In order for them to keep doing well, he has to work work work on it after he gets home from that day job. He picks up our son from daycare every day and so gets a couple of hours a day of alone time with the baby, but also has to double that time with band stuff-- working the phones for distribution or lining up shows or whatever. So I feel resentful that he gets more quality time with the baby during the week than I do (I get home, feed baby, rock baby, put baby to bed), and he gets frustrated that he has to basically work two jobs while caring for our son. Not to mention he feels the pull of having the mortgage wife kid dog at home while his bandmates get to go out and party after practice or whatever. I try to remember that when I start thinking that at least he is spending part of his time doing something that he loves to do, and I just go to work and come home to a mom-starved baby.

We try to make it out together once a week or so now that baby boy is 6 months old, but he still gets two nights a week "off" to go to practice, and then whatever shows they have planned both in and out of town. he thinks of this as work (fun work, but work), and I think of it, when I'm cranky, as time out with the boys while I'm stuck home with the kid. They're gearing up to go on tour soon, and that will be a good three weeks or so at least.

I have finally declared that I, too, will get one night a week to go meet with a friend or go to a coffee shop or go sit in my car for all I care-- just something outside of the house. I haven't actually done that yet but just making the declaration helped a lot.

ANYway, we actually deal with all quite well, mainly because we do communicate constantly, and have a huge desire to make the other person, and our little family as a whole, as happy as possible.

[heather]

I agree with MO in that I found my life was pretty much non-existant for the first 5-ish months of my daughter's life. Things got smoother after the 6-ish month mark.

The two things that help(ed) me keep my sanity were regular exercise and regular (scheduled) time out alone. Even when the exercise was an afternoon walk around the neighbourhood with my daughter in her Ergo, the movement and the daylight helped immensely. In the early days of parenthood my "night out" was actually 2 hours one afternoon a week, but still. Schedule a time for yourself each week and keep the appointment. (If you really don't know what to do, book a massage appointment for yourself.)

May I suggest, instead of watching movies with your husband, something more interactive? Cook a meal together, play Scrabble together, or give each other foot rubs. TV/movies don't leave much room for communication.

[Kate]

@deardiary, I spent a couple of years feeling the same way--that I used to be interesting and aware of the world and suddenly I could not remember when I had last showered and was only able to participate in coversations related to babies.

Now it's much better. I do a little freelance work. I joined two book clubs, so I am "forced" to read (which I always did in my former life) AND spend time away from the kids talking to adults. And I became really passionate about some things "baby" and do a lot of informal educating (just advocating for them on the playground). So it's a balance of the old and the new.

But it takes time. As everyone already said.

[Lucy]

Wow. I was just re-reading my diary for the first weeks/months and being reminded how hard it was. It really does become more manageable though, so hang in there. (As you can tell by the fact that I had to re-read my diaries to truly remember how hard it was.)

I agree that the main thing is communication and being really honest about how you are feeling/what you need. We find that our communication works best if we share our feelings and stresses first, and then we work out together what we need to get through it. I have found it difficult to be tuned in to myself enough to realize when things are getting hard, before I completely explode at the end of my tether.

My time is Saturday morning. This is sacred to both my husband and me. (I am not an evening person, so it's not so good as a regular time for myself) I walk to a local chocolate cafe, read a book, visit the library and then browse our local shops on the way back.

I have also taken Woodworking 101 at a local 'adult school' which I loved because it was so different from the tedious repetition of childcare: I started with a plank of wood and ended up with a table!

Oh, the only other thing that I have realized was that I need to LEAVE THE HOUSE when Daddy and Baby are hanging out. Otherwise I find too many excuses not to go, and I also end up butting in on my husband's parenting. I realized that I was wanting a co-parent, but not actually giving him the space to do that.

[caramama]

After reading MO's comment, I realized that the original thing I wanted to say, I left out.

During the first few months and the first few conversations hubby and I had about what we could do alone, together and as a family, it was really about what we could cut out alone.

Okay, I'll fess up. I broke down and told him he needed to cut out things or not take on new things. We needed to be in that survival mode. He wanted to take on new things, and I flipped. A night class? No way. Things around the house? Big projects like building a deck? Are you nuts? I'm barely managing my half of this babycare!

Now we are at a place where we can do things alone, together and as a family. But during the first 6-9 months, it was cull out everything but what was necessary for survival. This year, we can actually plan to do other things and have fun. And have honest talks at each stage after.

[suzanna]

Just want to chime in and say it's so hard at first. I wanted and wanted to be the kind of new mum who is understanding of hubby, gives him space, etc. But then there I was, barking orders at him because he just didn't get it.

When our twins were about 3 weeks old my husband decided to brew some beer on the weekend. This is one of his hobbies, so I 'let' him. Next weekend he did another batch- he said he wanted to perfect the recipe. I just about lost it. Here I was, doing absolutely nothing but taking care of babies 24/7, barely even eating, and he was perfecting a recipe! I really think some men go through a kind of PPD when they are blind to the demands of a new baby, and don't see their partner's struggles.

Now at 16 months we are mostly a very good team. One thing that helped was to go for a hike every weekend. We strap the boys in the ergos and walk, and it feels so good to be out, doing what we love, and we can talk without doing chores or chasing after boys.

[pnuts mama]

also occurred to me that as women (and wives/parters) we need to stop thinking of being a parent as *not* being a job...as in, well, since i'm not leaving the house or being paid for what i do, it *must* be of less value than what my spouse/partner who is earning money is doing. that is simply not the case. it took me and my husband a while to get there when the pnut was a baby. we're there now. i would often complain when he would get home that i was annoyed that i hadn't gotten anything done all day yet i was exhausted! he would say "you kept another human alive for one more day- that's pretty big" and it took me a while to really let that sink in and accept it.

and don't ever undervalue the joy of feeding your baby and handing him/her off to your partner and going out for a pedicure. it's the perfect weather for it, and you just sit, read a magazine, and let someone tend to you for a change. deeee-lightful.

[Julie]

I wouldn't necessarily classify my marriage as a "healthy relationship" at this point in the game, but I definitely empathize with the whole "wtf do I do with myself when I have a few minutes away from the baby"...mostly b/c there is never enough time away to do anything substantive....especially at the beginning. I think, when you are considering the different ways of carving time out for yourself, something to ask your husband for is time for yourself alone AT HOME. Early on, I found that when my husband was able to take over the childcare for any length of time, I was the one who had to leave the house and find something to do. And while sometimes it's nice to be able to go to the coffee shop and sit with a book, it's also kind of nice to be alone in your own house without hearing what is going on with your child in the next room (actually, good for the both of you, as he won't feel like you are silently second-guessing him and his decisions). So see if he can take the baby for a walk, or to a music class or gym class or SOMETHING so that if all you want to do is watch E! True Hollywood Stories for an hour, you can do so in bed without your boobs leaking milk at the first cry of the baby.

Also, therapy therapy therapy. Regardless of if you're happy in the marriage or not, it's important to talk about your new roles and responsibilities, each of your expectations about these roles and have a facilitator keep you both from entering into the Misery poker that Moxie talks about.

[Toni]

Survival mode. That is a perfect description for the first nearly 1.5 year of my son's life, until a few months after he finally started sleeping through the night. It gets better every few months. But we were so exhausted, it was an effort to notice the improvement. Thinking survival mode was key. Kisses, even forced ones, help. Brief discussions about what you are feeling, both of you, help. Talk about what you are stuprised about, what you are bothered by, what you wished you could do.
On the practical side, get help. A few hours of babysitting did wonders for us when we felt overwhelmed. My mom would come visit and take over the housekeeping and baby-keeping for a week or two, while we got extra sleep.

[chaser]

We are remodeling, and the other night when we were semi-arguing about something that had not gone according to plan (imagine!) my husband said something very wise. I wish I could remember it exactly. The gist of it was: Life is too damned hard for us to be trying to do all this without having each other as a refuge. We need to be the place for each other where we can actually relax. No dumb remodeling decision is worth our feeling at odds with each other.

R, you said, “This too shall pass is my mantra,” and while you’re right and that’s valuable, I think it can also be dangerous. One of the things that is “passing” is the opportunity to connect with your partner when things are tough. I know that I myself use that mantra as an excuse not to do anything about resentments… but unlike infancy, they don’t necessarily go away on their own.

You see your husband’s side very well. It is not pushy of you to express your side to him just as articulately and compassionately. In fact, as you have learned, you are doing him a favor: you are protecting him against unforeseen resentment consequences, you are saving him from having to guess what’s going on with you, and you are giving him the gift of your trust and honesty.

If your experience is like mine, you will find that it is rather terrifying to say what is really going on for you… but that it will, almost magically, make everything better.

[Heather]

Even before working on connection, I think it would help to figure out what can give. Can he get someone to help with the home business? Can you get a mother's helper to come in and help with the colicky baby? (Fwiw, how is your supply? I ask on the small chance that you are dealing with oversupply and the baby is dealing with a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance.) Can he give up one of the band gigs for a season?

I haven't had a colicky baby, but I've had hyperemesis, and my heart goes out to you juggling everything else on top of that. Even with a good caregiver, it's like going through chemo, and to go right from that into new baby land and a colicky baby at that... you've earned your exhaustion, and I think you've earned as much of a break as your circumstances can allow.

[Cecily T]

I echo what chapmanchick said about feeling distanced from everything during those first months, and honestly, after that, when you finally have the mental faculties to recognize that you're feeling like that.

Wow...a camping trip with a 7 week old? You are braver than I am. I wouldn't have even attempted it.

It does get better, and yes, the 1 year mark is sort of the end of Survival Mode. My girl just hit one year two weeks ago.

If you don't want to leave the house, make DH take the kids and go somewhere. I know, I get really resentful that DH can just jet off to Home Depot or BJ's without a little person when I do TONS of errands with her...strapping and unstrapping, loading up carts and unloading, and listening to Sesame St in the car. I know in the beginning if you are nursing that sometimes you don't feel like you can be away from the baby for more than 1 hour, so take shorter, more frequent breaks.

Take heart...the first 6 weeks are usually the worst, and then at 12 weeks it ges easier again.

Hugs to you.

[Shelley]

It is really frustrating to feel like YOU are holding your husband back from doing what he wants to do, when in fact it's the new life circumstances that are doing it. I told my husband flat-out -- I'm not going to be blamed for your having to make some sacrifices. It was a sucky conversation but he got it.

It sounds like you are SAHMing, at least for now, and I think that can add an extra layer of difficulty to this whole situation, because there's the feeling that what you're doing isn't "work" in the same way that a job that earns money is. Like some previous posters have said, you *both* have to get away from that mindset.

[Amy]

Sympathy. No tips. I'm a "nap, sports, news junky, internet addict, I-need-to-water-the-yard-with-a-scotch-in-hand-so-I-can't-watch-the-baby" widow. I, too, brought children into the marriage (8 and 6). So, I have a lot on my plate, and my down time usually consists of watching what he wants on the TV so that we can get some together time.

My personal mantra is "I knew all of this about him when I married him, and I don't believe in changing people, so suck it up." Generally this works well for me (though not always). Of course, those newborn months were tough... and when we argue it is about who is more tired or who does more around the house. I like Moxie's point about honesty and being miserable together instead of playing misery poker. I'm going to work on that. "Bonding through misery" would be a good book title.

[hedra]

My mantra on this is that the first year of marriage is hard, and the first year in the life of any child added to the family by any means is hard. Both have elements of survival mode. Once you get past that point, you can 'do stuff' to tweak your life more easily. And things look better, at least if there's no ongoing PPD.

Communication and honesty are really key, as noted by everyone. If you don't know how, try the Nonviolent Communication stuff, or active listening, or collaborative problem-solving. The real point of all of them is that you and he are one one side of the line, and The Problem is on the other. Together, you can find solutions for both (and each) of you. Knowing that he's on your team working to find a solution for you, and you are on his team working to find a solution for him, that greases so much.

I don't always do well with this. I am great at finessing the method right back into blaming DH for my unhappiness whenever I'm unhappy, of trying to make him join me in my misery just so I don't have to feel resentful (which is kind of a mockery of the 'we're both on the same side of the line' since we both end up on the same side WITH the problem), and for trying to solve HIS problem without asking to be on his team (hence I make choices that he later resents, and which usually were pretty stupid/ineffective), or me trying to solve my problem without telling him I even have a problem. So, um. Yeah, and I'm a professional communicator! Oy.

Fortunately, we both have enough social and emotional courage (and experience) to face the situations honestly as they come up, or fairly soon after (I think we tend to run about a two hour delay). If he spots me being all 'rescue-y' of him, and points it out, I am willing to accept that this was what I was doing, indeed, and it wasn't useful, even if it was in response to something else that was a valid need of mine (sometimes I need to not have to talk about it right now, though I have to put a time limit on that, too). And he's honest enough to recognize when he's not helping the process, and when he needs something, etc.

DH also unexpectedly became a football fan (I still struggle with the concept of this - where did that come from????). This set up some issues - like, okay, we've agreed to share X activity/care item, but suddenly there's a free pass to ignore if there's a game on? Yes, I want you to enjoy the game, no, I don't want it to come down on me as a result. We ended up investing in a Tivo to solve that problem, and it worked. Can't do that for band, though. Unfortunately for DH, can't do that for a writer, either - and writers have that same kind of obsessive brain-sucking disappearing thing that musicians have (and probably a lot of other arts/expression activities that have an emotional component to them). I find I absolutely MUST set a timer on myself when I write, and even then ep knows he has to pop his head in if the timer went off and he hasn't seen me yet... because likely I didn't even hear it, or heard it and thought 'okay, just this last sentence... oh, need to edit that line. Hmm, that didn't come out right, I'll have to tweak it. Oh, now that covers the point I made later, I have to go edit that out. Now reread the whole thing... and, crud, that part doesn't flow. Now... huh? What do you mean I'm 20 minutes late for my shower? Oh, yeah, I am. Sorry!...

So, um, other side of the line, here, I guess - or both, maybe... and I can say that it is much easier to manage my writing addiction when the voice coming in the door reminding me of the time is bemused and friendly, rather than snapped off with exhaustion and suppressed resentment. When he's bemused by me, when the reminder is loving, it feels like we're on the same team. It is easier to talk out how to work that same dang issue over again, finesse it more, tweak it so it works for him, apply effort to another area so his life has more room to make up for the pressures, etc., etc. The more we stay on the same side of the line, the less we 'silo' (excellent choice of terms, Moxie!), the better we communicate, and the 'easier' (even if not always 'more comfortable') things go (thinking of the whole 'easy' commentary from yesterday).

One of the things I'm trying to teach G for dealing with his brother (they're right on the annoying each other to death thing again) is that honesty is unilateral. Speaking what you feel, how you feel, what you genuinely need is maybe easier if you have both agreed to always do it. But anytime it hasn't happened and there's me-vs-thee combat, having EITHER of the parties be willing to unilaterally stop and speak their truth means that things stop and get better - but having both parties INSIST that is has to be mutual means that essential both parties are waiting for the other one to start first, to prove that they will go there at all. And that means they're both stuck. Someone has to move first, even if it is just a microsecond before the other.

The same is true with listening. Even if we expect that there will be a give and take in hearing out the other person, it has to be started with one person, and that person can only be oneself. It's unilateral. If it is never followed by listening back, then that's another problem.

There have been time periods where I was usually the first one to speak up, open up, be honest. There have also been periods where it was predominantly ep who did so. We now kind of weave back and forth, any one day can lean one way or another. But we're both trying to keep the channels open.

The one time I really let myself silo up, because I felt something that I knew that he did not (post miscarriage, I felt the loss to my soul, he'd barely registered that I was pregnant let alone that there was a BABY involved), I came far too close to destroying our marriage. Not speaking is disastrous. I stopped speaking because I thought I needed him to UNDERSTAND, and he could not, and it was therefore painful to have him try to listen. But what I really needed was just for him to listen, not judge, not think, not analyze, not solve, not understand, even, just listen. When I found a way to get there with him, to tell him how I felt *just* as me speaking and him listening, the gap closed. I think we're finally getting to where there aren't too many echoes of that damage floating up regularly, but it has been years.

Ep doesn't always have energy for listening 'right now' - the ARE exams suck his brain, I know this. But I also know that he will listen when I tell him I need him to, and that makes a huge difference. He doesn't understand me, necessarily, and I don't necessarily understand him (I suspect my writing thing is as undefinable to him as his football thing is to me). But we've both chosen to be willing to listen, problem-solve, and engage, unilaterally, as needed. It works for us.

Now, for figuring out how to make band time take fewer total hours... no ideas. As much as I think it would be cool for G to end up in a band, I wince for his potential partner/spouse if he does... it's a rough road for the partner.

[meggiemoo]

Our issue was that we were both suffering from PPD, but didn't know it. (Yes, men can have it, too.) When you're both drowning, there's no one there to lift you up. It was very hard.

And even though I regularly left our son to go to the gym (where I mechanically lifted weights without enjoying it), it was like I couldn't disconnect my brain. I knew the entire time I was gone, the baby was screaming (which he usually was). Even when I would get a massage or a pedicure, I couldn't relax. It took a very long time before I could go anywhere without the baby and feel normal.

But it will happen. You sort of have to practice at being by yourself, even if it feels odd. Eventually you'll enjoy it. Now I generally see a movie on Sunday afternoons, and I take a yoga class once a week.

[Sherry]

The first three months -- I shudder just remembering them. I'm getting back to normal, now that the girl is 15 months. "I knew this when I married him" and "acting as if" gets me through a lot, and I'm always glad I made the effort.

[violingirl]

Well, I'll come at you from the other side- I'm the musician in our relationship. I teach private students 30 hours a week, and I gig almost every week, plus rehearsals... So, I'm the crazy one that has to be put up with.

Before kids it was fine. We fit our relationship around my music schedule and it was great. Post kids, it has taken us awhile to get it down (we have 2 kids, 13 months and almost 3). Basically it comes down to scheduling. We schedule time together, we schedule time for my husband to hang with his friends/play sports/whatever, time for us to be together as a whole family, etc.

I'm not a terribly scheduled person by nature, so this was a big change for me, but it came down to priorities. I have an ultrascheduled life because I have to to be able to maintain the relationships that I want with my husband and kids but I also can't give up my music career.

In regular daily life we try to be really kind, as in lots of "thank you's" being said for things like cleaning up after dinner, putting laundry away, etc.- the things that are not a certain person's responsibility, they just have to get done. I think we both feel more appreciated when we do those things for each other.

Last, we have a serious date night twice a month- as in send the kids to the grandparents overnight. Whichever weekend night I'm free from playing we plan for it to be just us. It makes it easier in the in between times when we don't have quantity of time on our side- we both look forward to those evenings to reconnect.

[Tracy]

Ditto that the first months are HORRIBLE.
And ditto Get Out of the House!
I would (and still do) "run to the post office" Hubby finally (3 years later) clued up and asked Why it takes 2 hours to drop off the mail. It takes that long if I also go to the Baskin Robbins drive thru and get a milk shake and park the car under a tree and listen to the radio. Yes it's a waste of valuable time, and I sure don't need the calories, but it keeps me sane.

[scantee]

Balancing family time and personal time is by far the biggest issue for my husband and me. He has been a great father to our 9 mo son; caring, very hands on, splits the night-wakings, isn't afraid to take him out alone or for long stretches, but, he is a bit of a hobby whore. He has a ton of different involvements of various commitment levels and I feel that this places and unfair parenting burden on me. Everything came to a head when our son was six months when we had a big fight about this issue. We are both working on it, and things are slowly getting better. I think part of the problem is that he still thinks of himself as an individual first, and a member of the family second, whereas as I identify as part the family first. Not sure if there is anything I can do to effect that change in him, other than relying on time to do the work for me.

I was in R's position the first six months in that, although I wanted time to myself, I just didn't know what to do! Eventually, I decided I would do something, anything, with my alone time, even aimlessly wandering the aisles of Target. One practical thing that has helped is to declare my intentions rather than ask permission. If I want to get some alone time, I'll just tell my husband that is what I plan to do, instead of asking him if it would be ok. If what you plan to do will keep you away from home for a reasonable amount of time and doesn't totally conflict with family plans, don't ask, just let your husband know your intentions. Doing this has really helped me feel that I deserve the alone time I get, just as much as he deserves the alone time he gets (although I can't really say why, other than that it has helped).

(On a side note: I wish, wish, wish, someone would have warned me about how unequal breastfeeding is in terms of parenting burden. It seems totally obvious and prior to the birth of my son I knew this intellectually, but I guess I never really thought through the implications for my marriage of not being able to be away from my son for more than a few hours. Overall breastfeeding has been great, but is has stirred up a lot of feelings of resentment that I continually have to deal with.)

[Foster]

My husband works v long hours (10-12 per day) and is on-call on Saturday, so he basically works 6 days per week. I am a nursing sahm, and what got me through feeling bad about pushing the baby off on him was "She is his baby, too." DH also takes karate lessons 2-3 times per week, is on church session, and LOVES his video games. Guess what? I have things I like, too, pal, and just b/c you work outside the home does not mean you get a free pass on raising your child. I will be one of the few mean ones here and say, "He decided to start a business while you were sick and pregnant??? WHAAAAAAT?? Is he insane?" That was a bad idea and I would have said no. However, what is done is done. That leaves the bands. DH went to college for guitar and used to be in bands. He gave them up before getting married b/c he knew he would not have the time w/ work and a family. Maybe when he is older and has more time, he will join a band, but not now, no way. Im sure that your husband loves his bands, but he has a baby now. Ill be the un-fun old fogey, but two bands is at least one too many and he needs to be home w/ his baby.

[Ann]

I came in here to say some of what hedra said: do what you can to see the problem as not your husband, and maybe not even the bands, but as the inequality of free/chosen time.

I bet if you present it to him this way, you'll start to get somewhere: "Honey, we have a problem. We're both exhausted and have too much on our plates. I feel overwhelmed and stretched thin and one-dimensional because it seems like all I do is take care of the baby! I seem to have lost mySELF. I know you work really hard, and I appreciate it -- but our current arrangement feels unbalanced to me. I need a regular night out -- away from the baby -- the way you have regular band practices. We need to work together to create a balance so that we both don't resent each other. What can we do to solve this?"

Realistically, this is going to require some sacrifice, probably on both your parts. IMO, he really should give up one band. I know he has a commitment there, but - hello! The commitment of marriage trumps participation in a band. A good way to come to a compromise is to figure out what is non-negotiable for you (and have him do the same), and what you would be willing to flex on. And by "non-negotiable," I really mean NON. Not just, "Well, I don't want to, but..." If he's unwilling to give up a band, then he may have to alter his participation in one or both bands, so that he doesn't practice 4 nights/week and have gigs. And you need to be firm in what you need: time away, regularly. Time with him, regularly.

It sounds -- from a "nagging wife-guilt" perspective -- like you both need to realize that the bands are his choice. He works hard, yes, but he has chosen to spend his downtime in 2 bands, and that (IMO) those are optional and don't get put in the same category as work time. His family (including the sanity and happiness of his wife!) should come first, and you shouldn't feel guilty for asking for his time and help! (I still need some help learning this lesson...)

Whew, sorry to be so long-winded! I work for a relationship-counseling organization (though I am not a counselor), and I've learned a lot of great stuff in the last couple of years. Which reminds me: I agree with other posters -- kiss him like you mean it, even when you don't, and try to do something a little more interactive than watching movies when you do have time together -- even though you're tired! You have to water your little family tree so it doesn't wither. :)

[Julie]

I think what scantee said earlier is definitely true for many husbands (note I am not saying all husbands) in that post-baby, they DO still see themselves as individuals first. I'm not sure if this is hormonal/instinct on the mom's side, literally not being able to feel separate from the baby (breastfeeding or not), or if this is just how some men were wired, or how it was modeled for them in their families.....who really knows. But I know that a lot of my resentment over how much I feel I've lost as an individual once I became a mom stems from the fact that I really haven't seen my husband lose much of his individuality over the last 2.5 years. Only recently has he seemed to realize that ya, he needs to give up some of his free time to take care of child care obligations....though it's gotten easier for me to leave our son in his care now that our son doesn't scream bloody murder at the prospect, and now actually pushes me out the door so he can be alone with daddy (oh joy!). But after reading some of these comments, I am agreeing that it seems R has made most of the individual sacrifices, while her husband has made very few. So no wonder she is feeling resentful. I'm not saying she should insist he give something up (though I'm not sure I wouldn't be saying that if it were my husband), and I admire her self-reflection and realization that she DOES want him to have a creative outlet, and she DOES want him to be happy. I guess I am just hoping to see more of that from him. And maybe it's there and just not communicated, but I'm guessing probably not since she is feeling this way and writing to Moxie about her frustration and need to lower expectations. I think low expectations in general is a good thing, but not at the expense of sanity.

[Dana]

I would recommend a date night with your husband. Find someone to watch the kids for a few hours and go somewhere, a walk, for ice cream, dinner, anywhere.

Also, R sounds like she needs some outside help to get a break. And that is TOTALLY OK. We are not superhuman with superpowers. If someone offered to help with the baby, take them up on the offer. There are lots of different mommy-groups that would love to lend a helping hand. Try MOPS.org. Our MOPS group has a bunch of women who just go around helping new moms- taking the bigger kids to and from practice so mom doesn't have to go out yet again with the baby, getting some dinners in her freezer, getting some housework done, etc. The greatest thing somebody did for me after my baby was born last year was just come over and get all the laundry done, folded/putaway, & sheets changed. Sounds small, but made a big difference.

[ada]

I'm with Foster. I think he needs to be home with his baby. He doesn't need to give up ALL of his extra activites - but TWO bands? No, life doesn't "end" when you have a baby, but it most definitely needs to change. And I don't think you need to feel guilty or bad for expressing this to your husband. Things have to change because EVERYTHING has changed with the arrival of a newborn baby.

This has been the hardest lesson to learn. The balance issue. The struggle between each of us having time to oursevles but also putting our family first. And we're still working on it.

When my son was 10 days old, my DH went off to a watch a football game. I was alone with our new baby for over 10 hours. It was the first time I'd really been alone for that long. And I resented the HELL out of my husband. I got caught in that trap of trying to be the cool, understanding, easy-going wife. (You all know what I'm talking about) Instead of stewing on the couch all day and getting angry with DH, I simply should have said "I know I told you I was okay with it, but I've changed my mind. I need help and I'm not ready to take care of the baby alone. I'm scared and I need you."

I think men have a harder time adjusting, as they didn't experience the pregnancy for 9 months. And they don't nurse. And they don't feel as if they've been Tasered when that newborn wakes you up by crying. But they still need to adjust, for the health of their relationships with wife and child.

Right now our problem is that we're both working too much, so we don't see our darling 11mo baby enough. For example, when he woke up last night @ 3am, DH and I were both happy to go and rock him back to sleep, in order to spend more time snuggling. Its a good reality check that told us we need to make some changes at work.