Continuing with the sibling theme, Jen writes:
"Our daughter Natalie will be almost 2 1/2 when our second child is born this fall, and I'm getting pretty worried about dealing with jealousy. I'm specifically concerned about possessiveness related to THINGS - mostly baby gear, maybe clothes & diapers - because we plan to hand down everything we can, given our limited budget. In the past few months, when friends have come to visit and their children have used some of her outgrown gear (booster seat, Moses basket, blankets) she's been INSANELY possessive. She is in a big disequilibrium phase right now, and has been for about 4 months, so she should be better when the baby is born... but heading downhill again when the baby is about 3 months - prime time to be starting to play with toys, and moving into "her" stroller, Ergo, etc., etc.
Natalie is very sweet with the children, bringing them small toys and playing with them, but she goes ballistic when they use her stuff. We had dinner with friends last weekend, and she would not calm down about the baby using her booster high chair - demanding it was her turn, that we take the baby out, warning the baby she had "one minute" left, etc. We told her she could sit in it when the baby was done, but she kept talking and talking about it the whole time. It did not make for an enjoyable dinner. She doesn't show her frustration physically, at least with small babies, but did bite her babysitting buddy (spends at least 2 days a week with him; he's 4 months younger) once when he crawled into the Moses basket that she was playing with (which had been left out from a baby visiting the night before). I think in a weird way the digital age is compounding the issue - she has seen many pictures of herself as an infant using all of these things and so still feels a strong connection to them even though she's long since outgrown them.
We're not having her give up her crib - the baby will sleep in our room for the foreseeable future - and there are a few other things she won't have to share, but most baby things will naturally be reused. I do also hope to/plan to tandem nurse, so she won't have to yield the boobs entirely to her sibling.
We're reading a lot to Natalie about babies, and she is very excited about the baby. She tries to share some things with the baby even now - she will wear a sticker for a few minutes and then put it on my stomach "for the baby". She likes to sing and talk to the baby. I think she will be fine overall in the end. My partner has read Siblings without Rivalry, and it's in my (gargantuan) stack of things to read. My partner says it's mostly focused on older kids, anyway. But I envision the scenes when the baby is really here, and taking up some of our time as well as HER things... and I get pretty worried.
Is this one of those grit our teeth and get through it things, or is there something we can do about it?"
Is there any way you can do a hard sell to convince her she's a Big Girl who does Big Girl Things and has Big Girl Toys and Possessions and get her to buy it so thoroughly that she doesn't even care about that Baby Stuff anymore? That's pretty much all I've got. I have no idea how to mediate between a toddler and a baby (and seem to be failing Mediation for Mothers 202: Preschooler to Elementary Schooler for the last week or two, too).
Somebody help, because all I've got in my bag of tricks is manipulation marketing.
Oh, yeah. So much of what we bought for the first was HIS, and yet in our mind it was 'family toys/clothes' - and in his, it was MINE MINE MINE. We fought it out individually, over time, but worked it down to 'some things are just yours, and some are for everyone in the family who is the right size/age to use them. When you were a baby, you used them, and the next baby will use them, and if we have (were to have) a baby after that, THEY would use them, too.' To some degree, it seemed to help knowing that things were going to be used again after THIS baby (passed to a cousin, whatever) meant that the suffering was going to be universal and wasn't a misery reserved only for the eldest.
But some things were sacred for a long time. The Sharpie method was a big tool for us - black or silver, if it is precious, it has to be labeled so we know (and a big issue here is that eventually it becomes really hard for the grownups to remember whose thing was whose first - photos help, but not everything is captured that way. Constant refrain in our house: Does it have your initial on it?).
For some things, it made more sense to donate the old item and get a new one, and not just to avoid the whole BUTTHATSMINEHECAN'THAVEIT mantra (all one syllable), but also because strangely what worked for one kid even for things like high chairs and boosters and changing tables didn't work for the next (different size at that age, different skills, different tendencies with the foods - like, the child who tries to dissassemble everything they touch may not be a good fit for some boosters, as they'll stick their fingers into every blessed gap, and usually only after they're coated with rice cereal and prune puree...). We ended up cycling through boosters when we thought we'd just keep the one and carry on, for example. Got a different changing table for the second (and just changed the twins wherever they were, stations throughout the house), etc.
Even though G was 4, there was a lot of territoriality. We worked on identifying the 'current toys' and 'protecting those from the baby, who isn't big enough to know how to play with them safely - for the toys safety.' We started with just picking out a few things that were 'okay I guess' for the younger sib to have. And then worked those two sides 'here, the baby might break/eat/slobber-on this, we'll make sure we keep this safe for you, where shall we put it?' and 'this old thing is safe, he can't hurt it - what do you think, okay for him to play with?' Much of the initial answer is NO! MINE! but some of it just needs a good hug before it can be passed on.
If you keep the ownership really simple at first (how much does a baby really need?), they do open up a bit on the giving over and giving. Depending on the age and personality, they may also shift into feeling very proud of the fact that they GAVE the baby something. B gave all sorts of things to the girls, and loved the idea that it had been HIS and now HE gave it to THEM, and wasn't that nice of him? (LOOK AT ME, I'M THE KIND ONE! OVER HERE! Ignore the twins in the middle, I'm the one who gave them the thing they're playing with all cute and stuff.) Granted, that often kicked off a round of G saying he'd given it to B, first. But they then all felt good for having been the one to give to someone else (and M and R just give back and forth to each other, now. Sometimes, anyway.)
For how to phrase things to allow them to work it out from their side, I'd go with the Siblings Without Rivalry book.
Oh, and likely there will be a point where you will be very tempted to ask your older child to just give their younger the freaking toy just to make the screaming stop (from the younger) - but this is a trap. Allowing the work process and ownership to be protected at the higher level (even though they are 'more able to understand helping another feel better' and 'the baby can't understand waiting or turns' and 'it isn't even age-appropriate for the older child', etc.), allows the older to CHOOSE to share, give, etc. Respecting the work cycle, allowing the child to determine when they are done (using whatever established rules your family uses), allowing them to 'finish' helps both develop a sense that each of those steps is respected and allowed. It cuts back a lot on the resentment, and also on the 'screaming to get your way' manipulation from the younger.
Another thing that B came up with on his own was 'teaching' - he taught the younger ones how to use his old toys, and so when they played with the toys again he got satisfaction from watching, because HE taught THEM, and now see, they could do it! Leadership opportunity.
Good luck. It's a challenge, but you will get through it. I'm sure there are a half-million methods to apply, and they'll work differently for different kids.
Posted by: hedra | August 18, 2008 at 10:30 AM
Jen, first off, congratulations! Our daughters are almost exactly 2 1/2 years apart, too. We love this age difference. Secondly, I just cracked up at how your Natalie was "warning the baby she had "one minute" left". This kind of thing is hilarious to people that aren't currently experiencing it. I don't have much concrete advice, other than the typical zen-stuff like "Maybe it will all work out fine."
That said, I am a big believer in using books to introduce concepts and spark conversation. One book I really liked was "Big sister now" by Annette Sheldon. I think the illustrations are great. We also used "Julius the baby of the world" by Kevin Henkes and "The new baby" by Mercer Mayer. There's another one that was super-helpful that I can't fin at Amazon, but the title is something like "The new baby at our house" and it features photographs of real families and deals really frankly with emotions ("Daniel said his feeling about the new baby were 'all mixed up'. Do you ever feel that way?") and also deals with how Mommy and Daddy will need to be dealing with the baby when you want attention, etc. It's won a bunch of awards and I'm sorry I'm not getting the name.
Natalie sounds very bright and sweet. I bet you'll do the right thing when called on to do so!
Posted by: rudyinparis | August 18, 2008 at 10:34 AM
"Is there any way you can do a hard sell to convince her she's a Big Girl who does Big Girl Things and has Big Girl Toys and Possessions and get her to buy it so thoroughly that she doesn't even care about that Baby Stuff anymore?"
Everyone parents differently, but I would so not advise going down this path. One of the few things I think I get "right" as a new parent was, especially since mine were close in age, to do everything possible to not make Older Sis grow up faster because Younger Sis was born. That included not pressuring her to give up her stuff, not pressuring her to potty train, etc. And not pushing the "Your a Big Girl now" thing at all. I let her grow out of babyhood on her own terms.
Was this terribly expensive? Not really., Everything was secondhand and mostly from garage sales and bag sales. We had two strollers at under 5 bucks each and 2 backpacks at under 3 bucks each and piles and piles of pre-grubbied clothes for almost nothing. And I resold what I could when I could, and donated the remainder. (I was a sahm spouse of a fulltime grad student with no income other than his stipend, so we were careful with money ;-) )
Anyway, that's my 2cents, but please ignore if it doesn't work for you ;-)
Posted by: enu | August 18, 2008 at 10:41 AM
"One of the few things I think I get "right" as a new parent was"
Er... that should be "got right." It was, oh, 17 years ago!
Posted by: enu | August 18, 2008 at 10:42 AM
Perhaps the focus is not really on pushing her out of babyhood, but really emphasizing all the great things she can do now, that her sibling can't. One of these "big sister" books is aimed heavily at that and I think it's a fairly positive perspective. Because the truth is she can't do certain things anymore but she can do new exciting ones - that's basically how life works. So she can't get into the bouncy seat, mostly for her own safety, but she can ride on her little rocket around the house. I would also have the new baby give her a big sister present when she comes in order to emphasize all the new things she can do now that she's 2.5.
As Hedra said though, this will shift in many ways as they get older. Sometimes the worst "mine" phase is when the baby is mobile, the older kid has stuff that the baby can't touch (for safety reasons) and the older kid is understandably annoyed by the little one taking his/her stuff all the time. So you may have to step in at this oh so fun age/phase and vigilantly take stuff away from the "baby" and reinforce that the older children can still have stuff that's "theirs", that sharing does not necessarily involve giving up your favorite toy/item just because the "baby" grabbed it from you.
I would also probably set up the baby stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in a while (i.e. bouncy seat/swing) in advance of the baby coming home so that your older child is used to seeing it in the house again and is clearer on the fact that she doesn't fit in it and has outgrown it. If the swing and baby all appear on the same day, there may be additional hostility.
Good luck and congratulations!
Posted by: MLB | August 18, 2008 at 11:05 AM
My girls are 3 1/2 years apart( 6, and 2.5 yrs), we made sure that my eldest had long outgrown things before we re-used them. We had the luxury of actually taking down the crib and putting it back up for the baby. My eldest is mostly proud to "loan" her "baby" stuff to her younger sibling. We pulled out a box of clothes hand me downs yesterday and the eldest was thrilled with the youngests reaction. We talked about what her favorites were and how she pronounced things. It was really fun.
When the youngest was a newborn we had very little issue, my eldest (then 3.5) decided she defintley wasn't a "baby", she quit sleeping in our bed on her own. We have toy issue and always will, it's part of being a sibling. And dealing with it is part of being a parent. Having someone around for one on one time is very important, or someway that you can spend special time with your eldest. We had craft time during naps, or special Mommy time when the youngest went down early.
We had a lot of acting out issues when I was nursing my newborn, it was really hard. I couldn't discipline, I couldn't react- I was stuck! I also made sure the eldest had snacks she could get herself, or even something new to do while I was doing something that needed total concentration and I didn't have anyone else at the house.
I have had a lot of problems with my girls sharing a bedroom, that was actually harder (and still is) to adjust to then the actual baby.
Good-luck!
Posted by: Sidney | August 18, 2008 at 11:08 AM
Our hardest time came when the baby got mobile and knocked down the train tracks, the towers of blocks etc. I'm make a point to say "That isn't allowed, Baby. You will have to have a Time Out over here (play in new spot). Maybe Big Brother will let you have a turn NEXT." While this meant nothing to the baby, it did emphasize to my older son that I was treating the baby with the same rules he had to follow.
Posted by: Jill in Atlanta | August 18, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Oh, yeah, by 'new' I mean 'borrowed, used, IKEA, thrift/resale store, whatever'. Almost never actually 'new-new'.
There are still baby items that we've kept that will never be passed on. They're remarkably few, though - one or two teeshirts that G just could not give up, his blankie, a few stuffies, and some books. With B, it is shoes - there's a pair of boots that he just cannot give to his sister, ever ever ever - he's okay with them being out of sight, but he hurts to see someone else wearing them (they were his first pair of REAL cowboy boots, which he wore for riding lessons for a while). They won't last to the next generation, though, so I'm not going to store them - they're going the donation route. He's hugged them a few times, first. Other than those, he has a few toys that are just for him, nobody else, even though they're baby toys. Some will last the next generation, so will be stored.
Posted by: hedra | August 18, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Our kids are only 1 1/2 years apart, so we did have to get a second crib, but we handed most of the other stuff down.
We used a lot of language about how this or that USED to be the Munchkin's. I think it helped that she has used quite a few hand-me-downs and we've told her where they came from. So I suppose we set it up as the natural order of things. We never had much trouble with baby stuff.
I agree that the difficulty came when the "baby" started crawling and getting into her stuff and playing with toys that she legitimately thought were fun. (Oooh, I remember his first birthday, when she realized that all that cool stuff was not hers-all-hers .... meltdown city.)
Another thing that's helped, I think, is to start the hand-me-down process with something "new" (to us) for her, then passing down whatever it is she doesn't need anymore. For example: Recently we were ready to put the Little Dude into the toddler bed the Munchkin was still using. So we shopped around (craigslist) and she got to have some input in getting a new Big-Big bed, which we set up in her room. Then the Little Dude got to move up to his new Big-Boy bed (the artist formerly known as Big-Girl bed) from the crib. The crib, we told them, would go to their new baby cousin, to be born in November.
We cull stuff and sell it or donate it, and we talk about how we're going to give it/sell it to somebody who needs it, since we don't need it anymore. Both kids seem to accept it pretty well (though the Little Dude DID ask to visit his crib at Grammy's, where it's stored in the interim.)
And yes, I agree with hedra about having some special things that aren't for sharing. Each kid has a special lovey-type blanket and a stuffed toy/doll that they never have to share. And we allow for a no-sharing period when a they get something new, even though one of the general rules in the house is that "we share toys".
Books: I love "I'm A Big Sister" by Joanna Cole/Maxie Chambliss. Read through the books before you buy, though, because they are NOT all created equal. We got one with a starting line of "Ellie used to be Mommy and Daddy's little girl, but now she's a big sister." Talk about the exact message you do NOT want to send!
Posted by: Jan | August 18, 2008 at 12:08 PM
I don't even think that it matters that the two are close in age - La was 5 when the baby was born and we caught her showing off that she could still fit in the bouncy seat. More than once. Or climbing in to the bassinet.
La has sort of an "all but war is simulation" (from the STRICOM logo)philosophy about imaginary play - she prefers to use actual baby items or as close as possible when she plays with dolls.
So if some of the baby things are ones that she uses to play with dolls, having a few key pieces of doll-scale baby equipment might help. Or make arrangements with the oldest that the new baby will be using ___ for a while, but will outgrow it in a certain amount of time (this would be easier to explain to an older kid) and then she can use it again for her baby. Fisher Price has some "convertible"/3-in-1 baby equipment that uses the same fabrics and schemes as their baby equipment for actual babies.
It might also just be a way to hang on to the status quo in a situation where you feel like you don't have any control. And if, after an adjustment period, it turns out things are still OK, it will probably get easier to "share" the baby equipment.
Posted by: Cathy | August 18, 2008 at 12:56 PM
I'm with Cathy... age doesn't make a difference. When #2 was born, #1 was 2 yrs 3 months and he ripped the blanket right off her in the hospital yelling, "MINE!". We were off to a great start. I tried to be patient with him and he actually grew out of the jealous phase pretty quickly.
When #3 came along last year, #2 was 5 yrs old, and 15 months later she is *still* jealous of him. Most of our baby stuff was not hers (threw it all out when we moved), but the general jealously leads her to do things like sit in the bouncer or exersaucer, play with ALL of his new toys before he does, etc. My husband tries to get her to stop, saying, "You aren't a baby. Those are baby things." But the heart of the issue is that she was the baby for a really long time... and she needs to be allowed to deal with that at her own pace. My response is to just let her do it. It only takes about 5-10 minutes of her playing with a baby toy before she's bored and moved on to something more age appropriate.
I suspect that a little patience and understanding on your part will make the transition smooth. Let her sit in the seat if she wants. If she manages to squeeze herself into the baby swing and wants to stay there for a hour playing the baby... let her. It might last a day or two, or a week or two... but the more you can ease the transition from being the star to being a co-star, the happier you will all be.
Posted by: Amy | August 18, 2008 at 01:14 PM
Oh my gosh I have no advice (I have 2 daughters 5.5 yrs old and 17 months old and am due with #3 at any moment) but I just had to share a frustration.
#2 was born in March and #1 had no real problem with the baby using her old things. She didn't have too much of a problem with #2 getting new things (what could she possibly need tiny baby clothes for?) and only a small problem with the fact that she couldn't just *play* with all the new baby equipment. She *still* wants to play with the baby equipment; we got a 2nd pack n play for #3 over the weekend and #1 is kind of miffed that I have sequestered it in my bedroom already (as I said, any moment now... please Gd any moment now!).
Anyway the trouble really started when Chanukah rolled around and for the first time EVER, #1 wasn't the sole gift recipient. Her birthday is Dec 25, so she's been awash in gifts in December her whole life and this was a MAJOR learning experience. And since #2 was only 9 months old, she didn't really have the wherewithal to lay claim to anything.
We're still dealing with "what's mine is mine and what's yours is fair game" issues; #2 was given a box of Duplo blocks, and suddenly #1 could care less for her Legos but wants to build Duplo All The Time.
I have no solutions except close policing and making sure the toddler's rights as a human being and member of the family are respected, until she can express preferences for specific items, in which case we'll begin to employ the Sharpie method.
Posted by: MorahLaura | August 18, 2008 at 01:55 PM
I just want to second Amy, about letting Natalie play at being the baby... Eldest went through a phase were she loved getting into the crib and pretending to be a baby. Then my role would be to respond to her crying, and come in a pick her up, wrap her in blankets and rock her on my lap. Sometimes I would think, is this bad somehow? But it didn't feel bad, it felt like something she needed to do. She doesn't do this anymore. She outgrew it. I think maybe most kids are pretty good at letting you know what they need, when they need it, if you're able to quiet the noises in your head. A good reminder to me, as I've been letting her down lately. Hmmm.
Posted by: rudyinparis | August 18, 2008 at 02:06 PM
Here's what we did. Not saying it's the answer for all but it has worked really well for us so far.
Our daughter was just under 2 1/2 when we moved her from her room to a big girl room. Rather than keep her in the same room she'd been in (painted a lovely periwinkle, and decorated for baby) we painted our other bedroom in a way she would love, bought her big girl bed (which she LOVES) and decorated that room just for her. We figured rather than do a second nursery, we'd keep things mostly the same in that one (removing the things we'd bought specifically for her after she was born) and make the new room for the child who would be old enough to actually appreciate it. We knew the baby wasn't going to look around and say "you guys suck, this is the same design my sister had" and the room was fairly neutral since we didn't find out the sex of either baby before birth.
We saved ourselves the cost of a second crib (totally worth it), and because she'd graduated to the big girl room she got the new stuff and had fun helping me pick out new sheets, curtains, etc. We really made it all about her and exciting and she loved it. She hasn't batted an eye about that crib, changing table, etc.
The only baby gear she's still using is her booster seat. We're ok with that because we can still use it at the table. We registered for (and got) a high chair that we use for the baby (started at 6 months, he's 7 months now). Yes, she still fits in the bumbo seat but doesn't actively use it. We've at times had to remind her that she's too old for the swing and the bouncy seat, but those were put away for a while before brother was born, and mostly she wants to use them for her baby dolls.
Which brings me to the next thing that helped. She loves her dolls and for Christmas last year she received a high chair/swing and cradle for her baby dolls. THat has helped too, as she can pretend to feed or put her babies to sleep just like I feed and put baby brother to sleep. And, if he's not in the exersaucer, I let her use it for her dolls. She can't hurt it, so it's no big deal.
I also recommend two books by Joanna Cole - When You were Inside Mommy and I'm the Big Sister. The first is fabulous because it not only helps explain what's going on in real terms that are easy to understand, but because it's when YOU were inside mommy instead of just about the new baby, it allows for some great discussions about when I was pregnant with her and when she was born. That book was a huge favorite around here, and honestly still is.
Posted by: Mandy | August 18, 2008 at 02:27 PM
quickly since my life is swirling away faster than i can manage right now-
so far, what has worked w/ pnut has been mentioned- we got her lots of accessories for her baby dolly that she is fairly pleased w/ using for the doll- some of it is just extra stuff we had (old lotion bottle, changing pad, diaper bag, etc). we've found that she's more likely to want to pretend to be caring for her baby than *being* a baby.
we like to talk about what she *can* do that the baby can't- eat ice cream (or anything tasty, really), paint, color, play, have fun, etc etc. we also talk a lot about what she was like at that age, and how much she'll always be our baby. sometimes she pretends to be a baby again, but mostly not. she's in a big independence stage right now (just turned three) dressing herself, etc. which helps.
when we do pull out something "new" (old) for the bean, we often ask her to show him how to use it- if she plays with it, so what, she bores of it fairly easily, or plays with it in front of him, or reads him a book.
we talk about what a pain a baby can be sometimes, and how much they cry. we encourage her to be on our team to care for the baby. anything the baby can do (sneezing, for example) we attribute to the fact that she taught him, and did a fabulous job.
best of luck! i never had the chance to post on that "more than one kid" post- i will say so far i'm loving the 2nd born, loving the ease of confidence i have with him over my anxiety when i had her...knowing that everything is a phase is really letting me enjoy the snuggly with him and be (mostly) ok with the screaming...i don't feel tied down w/ the nursing (haven't even started pumping yet, haven't had time, to be honest) and have just surrendered to the sleep deprivation. so for us, so far (8 weeks out, haha, so what do i know) most of what i was scared of is ok so far...good luck!!
Posted by: pnuts mama | August 18, 2008 at 02:29 PM
ps- when i say "we" got her things for her dolly i should really say that "her brother" gave her those things as a gift when he was born for her big sister gift. before he was born we shopped together and i let her buy him a gift- she bought him a blankie just like hers (except a diff color) that she gave him as her gift to him.
what jan said about some books being awful is totally right- i change the words/sentences in many of them so she won't feel things that perhaps hadn't even occurred to her. same with big sibling dvds/programs etc.! yargh!
there are somethings i would bite the bullet on and buy a second version of- folks are always looking to hand things down (esp when they are done having their babies), craigslist, etc. depending on the item and how much attachment she has to it.
also do not disregard the power of watching her peers- i keep thinking we have kept her as a baby for longer than is fair, maybe, when she sees other kids her age who are the youngers in their families (naturally) acting older and doing more than she does- for example the booster seat- she saw other kids just sitting at the table w/o a seat (and seatbelt) and boy did she like that- not so much us, who liked not needing to run after her between each bite, sigh.
Posted by: pnuts mama | August 18, 2008 at 02:47 PM
I'd just like to second what Enu said about not pushing the Big Kid v. Baby dichotomy. Kids need to go at their own pace, and when they're allowed to grow up and regress at whatever rate they need, they're much more confident in the end.
Posted by: Emilin | August 18, 2008 at 03:23 PM
I agree also on the big kid/baby thing.
Kids go through the 'I want to be the baby again' stage naturally whether they have younger sibs or not - so don't blame it entirely on the baby! Right now M is insisting I feed her and carry her like a baby. Can I just say that the preschooler version of a baby cry is WAY more annoying than an actual baby crying? WAY. But we play along, because I know it is a phase. G did it before B came along, and again after. B did it after M and R came along. R did it a couple months ago, and M is doing it now (they overlapped, for fun). :shrug:
I like to remember that the same way we grownups don't always feel as grown up as we're 'supposed to', kids don't, either. Thinking of them as one age, always moving forward is less useful, IMHO, than thinking of them as whatever age they need to be in order to get what they need from the universe (and us).
Posted by: hedra | August 18, 2008 at 03:59 PM
Haven't had time to read all the comments yet, but does anybody have any idea how this will work with a 20 month old and a new baby? Right now, unless a toy is in my son's hand he could care less who is using it, but I am assuming that will change shortly down the road...
Posted by: Beth | August 18, 2008 at 04:17 PM
Funny timing, my 4 year old just spent most of the morning pretending to nap in her sister's crib. Made for a very quiet, calm morning.
She's not a terribly possessive kid, most of that is just her personality, but we're super permissive about letting her use her old stuff whenever possible, and I do think that helps. She squeezes herself into the infant carseat, the bouncy chair. Whatever floats her boat. She spent a lot of time in the exersaucer before her sister even got a try, she plays with all of her old toys, and then she's pretty cool with letting the younger have at it.
And I have to say, I love seeing how the play evolves with the old baby toys. The old elephant rattle that used to just get gnawed on is now part of an elephant family, has a name, turns into a whole new thing...
Only problem is the stuff that she really IS too big to use. Dusted off the doorway jumper this morning, she REALLY wanted to try it (who wouldn't?) but there was no way she'd fit. Just now putting together that that's why she spent the morning in the crib....
Posted by: Caroline | August 18, 2008 at 04:20 PM
Things actually went reasonably well for us, until the baby was over one. Now that he can walk, "talk", and DEMAND things, the jealousy has come out in full force (he's 17 months, she'll be 4 at the end of the week). Our solution has been to get two equivalents of whatever the favorite toy is - two "poppers," two barbie cars that they can put stuffed animals in, two scooters, two trikes (even though the baby needs to be seriously assisted with the trikes and scooters). Fortunately, these things can be had for a song at the Salvation Army and rummage sales. Not having to share every last thing makes it easier for them to work things out when they do have to share, since they don't *ALWAYS* have to give up their toy (say that in a whiny 4yo voice in your head).
Posted by: sue | August 18, 2008 at 04:25 PM
We made the mistake of telling him that the sippy cup was just for babies and that since he is older now and more careful he uses regular cups and he said, "but Mommy, [insert name of best friend from school] uses a cup like that for his milk at school and he isn't a baby" (Ooops!!)
Posted by: Annie | August 18, 2008 at 05:04 PM
Ooh, I love Jill's "Baby Gets a Time Out" idea! That is hilarious but I think would appeal to a 2-3 year old.
I borrowed a phrase from my friend whose girls are 25 months apart -- "in this house we share everything but blankies and babies." Meaning each kid got a special blankie, and a special baby doll, and everything else was technically fair game.
Now of course that isn't strictly enforced -- some toys (like Polly Pockets) we save for when the baby is sleeping, etc. (My 2 girls are 2 years, 9 months apart.) And if something is cheap but attractive I try to just buy 2. But by the time the baby is old enough to take stuff, your daughter will be more like 3 or 3.5 and I think will be much more into the "I'm a big girl" idea.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | August 18, 2008 at 05:10 PM
Didn't read all the comments, but my daughter 2yr/3mo has also been claiming that all sorts of things are "mines". Including a super-friendly cow that she fed clovers to this past weekend. She freaked out when another child wanted to feed the cow. Anyway, a teacher of Waldorf said this is actually a good thing--she's getting her ego, or sense of self. I just keep telling myself this as I try to explain to her that it makes others happy when she shares. I should have thought to ask when it will get better.
Did you know that a cows tongue feels like rough sandpaper? I didn't before!
Posted by: donnab | August 18, 2008 at 06:22 PM
Way up thread someone was trying to remember a book; it's The New Baby at Your House by Joanna Cole with photos by Margaret Miller. It's really sweet. The Siblings without Rivalry book (for you) has almost the whole text in cartoons, too, if you want to cheat.
I think dragging out the baby stuff early was very helpful. I'd explain that it was for the baby, but Big Girl could use it when baby wasn't. By the time baby was around, Big Girl had moved on.
Also taught Big Girl that babies are easily distracted, so if Big Girl wanted a toy Baby had, it's easy to "trade".
Posted by: Katie | August 18, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Thanks for all of the great pointers and discussion. I loved the suggestions that made me laugh (Time out, Baby! and teaching the baby to sneeze, in particular) and think there are many good ideas I can return to here in the middle of the madness to come! :)
One of my main goals is NOT to make her grow up too fast (a big part of why I plan to tandem nurse) so I am glad to hear that others haven't had to go that route.
Whatever happens, I know I'll be in good company!
Posted by: Jen (yup, another one) | August 18, 2008 at 09:43 PM
Jen, you are a genius for thinking to ask this question here. Thank you!!! (Jen and I have EDDs that are days apart, and my older son is 2 months older than Natalie.)
I also love the "Time out, baby!" idea, and creatively supporting the older child in playing baby as needed. As that EDD comes closer and closer, my son is in a constant refrain of "I the baby dinosaur/frog/rocket ship and you the mommy dinosaur/frog/rocket ship!"
Posted by: Liza | August 19, 2008 at 09:23 AM
I did not particularly emphasize the big girl propaganda when I had my second when the first was 26 months. Regression was fine. I have a hilarious picture of my 5 year old and 3 year old sucking on bottles when their baby sister was born. The 3 year old had never had bottles. Once they found they could do it, they stopped wanting to do it.
Baby stuff is dirt cheap at yard sales around where I live. So some duplication might be helpful.
I found it very helpful to read just about every library picture book about babies. I also plastered the house with pictures of the displaced sibling as a baby. I badmouthed babies, talked about how boring they were:)
I just posted this at my blog:
I had always been fascinated how early the younger sibling figures out how to annoy the older sibling. From a journal entry in 1974, when Michelle was 15 months old, Anne was 3.
When Anne came home from nursery school, she asked me to read Green Eggs and Ham. She settled on my lap in the small black chair, and I began to read. Michelle immediately came over protesting, tried to climb into the chair. I assumed she wanted to listen to the story so I asked Anne to move to the couch, so we all could fit. But then Michelle started grabbing the book, bringing me her books to read.
I discouraged her, feeling she had had my exclusive attention for 4 hours; now it was Anne's turn. My friend Terry offered to read to Michelle, but she struggled down from her lap 2 or 3 times. I finished reading Green Eggs and Ham. Terry started to read to Anne and Erin, so I could read to Michelle. Michelle got down from my lap and tried to grab the book away from Terry. When that failed, she tried bribery--3 books, her blanket, a slip, her rabbit skin. Erin wanted the rabbit skin, but every time she took it away from Michelle she protested and only stopped when Terry took it back from Erin.
Finally Michelle used one of the cardboard blocks to climb on the ottoman; from there she lunged for the big black chair where Terry was sitting with Anne and Erin. She didn't quite make it and had to be rescued, but she had achieved her purpose--the reading stopped. I've noticed that she often starts fussing if someone picks up Anne, reads to her, pays her exclusive attention in any way, shape, or form
I'm glad to see such self-assertion on her part, even though I feel pulled in two directions now with both of them clamoring for exclusive attention. It frees me from being Michelle's defender. More and more I can let them learn to handle their disputes by themselves. I know Anne's worst won't really hurt Michelle, and Michelle's protests more than enough to warn me if any mayhem is actually occurring. Once or twice lately I've rushed in ready to scold Anne, when Michelle's protests had absolutely nothing to do with her. For the first time since Michelle was born, I can't read to both of them at the same time. Anne's being away at school mornings seems to have encouraged Michelle to increase her demands. If she could get rid of Anne in the mornings, why not all day?
Posted by: Matriarch | August 19, 2008 at 06:03 PM
My twins were born when my son was 22 months old. I set up a basket for "baby toys" (different color from all the other toy baskets). And from early on we talked to our son about finding toys that are good for babies. When the babies go near "his" stuff (and he inevitably starts to freak out) we try and teach him how to respond (rather than just assuming that he knows). We tell him to take his toy gently out of the baby's hand and then get a better toy from the blue basket for the baby to play with. You can't (in my humble opinion) expect a 2 year old to be okay sharing his stuff, but you can start to teach him how to appropriately act on his feelings. As he gets older we plan to allow the kids to claim exclusive rights to a few very special items, but everything else is family property. But at the very beginning, that's not a reasonable expectation. So we work on being gentle, involving him in selecting good baby toys for the twins, and respecting his feelings, as frustratingly two-ish as they are. Its been a fairly successful strategy for us (so far).
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Posted by: jordan retros | June 13, 2012 at 09:59 PM
As far as I know the baby swings only got up to 25lbs so you could plrabboy feed her in the swing until she is a year or year and a half I don't know your baby's weight and I can't predict when she's going to reach 25lbs so I couldn't tell you for sure, but most babies reach 20lbs by a year and I have a son who is 16 months old and between 23-24lbs so perhaps you will be able to feed her in the swing for another 8 months. But I think it is much better if you get her in a highchair and feed her at the table with you. She needs to learn table manners and that people eat at the table for meals not in a swing or just "anywhere" when they feel hungry If you get a highchair it will last much longer than a swing would. You can start putting her in the high chair now and my high chair says it goes up to 40lbs (its an Evenflo one). So really I think the high chair is a much beter invest then the swing because you can use it for much longer I got mine for my son when he was 4 months old and I still intend to use it for much longer!
Posted by: Wallace | July 27, 2012 at 12:40 PM
You can feed her in a swing but when it comes time for her to learn how to feed herself you will need a tray of some sort to put the food on. If you want to skip a high chair you can phsaucre a booster seat that sits on a chair. They come with a tray but you can also push her up to the table. I have an 18 month old & she prefers the booster seat over her high chair.
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