Q&A: husband not into pregnancy yet

Maria B. writes:

"I am pregnant for the first time.  I am married to a great guy and am totally in love with him.  I am ready to have a baby, and he's warming up and very supportive.  It was my idea to start trying, and I got pregnant right away which was a little overwhelming.  My concern comes here.  My husband isn't yet excited as this is still abstract and he hasn't really been around babies a lot.  It's early as well, I'm 16 weeks.  I'm ok with this, he's ok with this.  When I tell people I'm pregnant, they usually press me for details about how excited my husband is.  He is not telling his friends/co-workers because it makes him uncomfortable.  I feel a little bit lost about how I can best support him right now.  We have had conversations so he knows I'm not pushing him to feel more than he does right now.  But I feel like he needs me to do more.  Any ideas?"

Well, I figured I'd check with my Roundtable of Dad Advisers, aka the guys I work with. I'd say these guys are about as diverse as a group of all-white, college-educated, middle class New Yorkers can be. Seriously, though, for the most part I'd say they're at least as involved as the average, and a few of them are incredibly hands-on.

To a man, they all said that there's basically no way a guy can conceptualize of a pregnancy or a baby being real until they hear or see the heartbeat, and it's probably not going to seem truly real until they see your belly growing or realize that the profile in the sonogram looks like a person's face and not just a blob.

I wanted to see if it was just Americans that felt that way, so I checked with a Canadian friend, who said that for him it was really when his wife's belly started getting huge. Before that it was intellectual, but the radical change in her body started to make it real for him.

It seems to me that people who expect a male partner to be really excited about things before there's anything tangible (for him) to be excited about have some unrealistic expectations. It's not that there's anything wrong or outlying about your husband. It's just that women tend to live in a baby-worshipping world in which we get excited even passing the pregnancy test aisle in the drugstore. So we forget that men are living in a parallel world in which they aren't thinking much about a baby until they see the whites of the baby's eyes. <insert your own poopsplosion joke here>

Let's also not forget that there are some men who just don't do that well with infants. (That certainly doesn't mean that they get off the hook for doing baby care. At the very least they need to be doing everything--cooking, laundry, cleaning--if the mother's the one doing all the feeding and night waking.) But some guys just don't seem to connect so much with kids in the baby stage as they do with toddlers and older kids. So even if your husband still doesn't seem that excited when the baby's six weeks old, it doesn't mean he won't eventually be completely smitten by the baby and end up being a wonderful dad. It may just be that he does his best work playing horsey or throwing balls or showing the kid how to code or teaching your adult child to mix a mean margarita. If it's OK for moms to do the baby stage without really liking it (and it is OK), then it's fine for dads. As long as they're completing the required tasks, they don't have to love it.

So I would say not to worry about it. If people ask you about how he's feeling, just make a joke like, "Oh, he says he won't believe it's real until the baby poops on his pants." Everyone will laugh and you can start talking about which breast pump you're going to buy, or whether you like the new Winnie the Pooh or the old one, and how you secretly hope someone gets you one of those butt cakes they always have on CakeWrecks.com for your shower even though you know they're frightening.

It will become real for him at some point. And if it doesn't, you can always get him a baby carrot jockey cake to try to scare it into him.

Confirmation or denial? Men? Women who talked about it with your partners (male or female)? And I'd be really interested in knowing what the experience is for female partners of pregnant women. How far along was your partner before you started feeling like it was real?

Comments

[Alex]

Just to add another crazy perspective, I married a man who had 2 teenaged kids, didn't want more, and had had a vasectomy.

After extensive infertility treatment (starting with a failed reversal attempt for DH), I got pregnant and had a son. Here's the thing: my husband has never been "into" this. Yet he is a wonderful, a fabulous, father -- both to his (now) grown children (who were, I admit, the reason I knew it would be OK to twist his arm again -- and yes, it did get twisted the first time, too) -- and to our son. It's weird, and I don't fully get it, but he is both joyful about and devoted to every single one of his children and yet would in some way actually be fine if he had never become a dad at all.

I think it may just be a guy thing. And while @Maria's situation is clearly different from mine, perhaps there is nonetheless some relevance/overlap.

[hush]

The way Maria described her hubby is pretty much exactly how *I* (the pregnant one) felt & reacted during my pregnancy. So I've got to echo the chorus and say I think it's all normal.

(I wouldn't say "don't worry" because I think that's nearly impossible as a pregnant woman. Worry all you want, everything will still be just fine.)

Truth is, I wasn't 100% on board with starting to try when we did, but hubby really wanted to start trying earlier rather than later & somehow had me convinced (based on no evidence) that we'd have problems conceiving. Nope. Happened the very first time. Which I know so many folks desperately wish for, however, sometimes that particular blessing can also be something of a curse because there's less time to process & accept all of the inevitable changes coming your way.

I was in denial for ages, even after the stick turned positive immediately, even after seeing the baby on the screen, & hearing the heartbeat. Didn't help matters that I felt normal until the 3rd trimester, had none of the traditional symptoms, looked very puffy instead of visibly pregnant for the first 7 months, and didn't feel the baby kick when the books said I should, etc.

I also got very superstitious, which is not part of my culture. Didn't tell friends, family, and coworkers until after 20 weeks, I was so sure I'd be tempting fate. Didn't find out the baby's sex. Never told anyone the names we picked out. Didn't allow any baby things into the house. Refused to let my girlfriends throw me a baby shower until after I delivered a healthy child. I really wanted the baby but I was scared to bank on anything for fear something might go terribly wrong.

Big day came, and presto! I became a new woman. Held my little son for the first time & finally felt the rush of love & bonds forming.

Things can still turn out amazing even if they don't start off picture perfect.

[hush]

Sorry for the double post!

Moxie, I totally hear you and a lightbulb is going off overhead - I probably did have pregnancy depression. Though if you'd have told me that at the time I would've denied it.

In hindsight, it didn't feel like I believed depression "ought" to feel (hopelessness, sadness, lack of energy); it was more anxiety about bad things that might happen which of course never did.

IRL I'm around a lot of upbeat people who love to say things like "you're fine!" "everything will be alright" and my therapist never picked up on anything either. Hmm...

[Mercysmama]

I think that Maria's husband is very normal, esp. since this is a first pregnancy. I was excited to have a baby, and so was my husband, but it truly wasn't "real" until we brought her home. The whole pregnancy and birth was surreal. Awesome, exciting, but surreal.

Now that she's here and is 9.5 months we can't believe that this little person, this personality, this LIFE was living, growing, and developing WITHIN my womb. We both strongly believe that when I become pregnant again (we hope eventually) that we will "get it" more. Like jumping-out-of-our-skin for the chance to meet our new child type of appreciation that wasn't totally there for pregnancy #1.

I would highly recommend "The Pregnancy Journal: A Day-to-Day Guide to a Healthy and Happy Pregnancy" by A. Christine Harris. It gives a short day-by-day development of your baby and has cool facts on childbirth & rearing from different cultures around the world. Reading the paragraph or two with my husband was something that helped him understand the development and also my physical pregnancy discomforts.

[Cloud]

@Shannon- is your coworker's hubby a scientist? Another scientist I know plotted her pregnancy weight out. We just like data. I got really into theories about the underlying mechanisms for particular pregnancy symptoms (like morning sickness) and also theories about why these symptoms would confer advantage, or at least not be an evolutionary fitness disadvantage.

My hubby was really into the ultrasound, not so much for what he was seeing, but because he had worked on similar imaging software in his past, and was interested in what was technically possible now.

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[Katie]

(Haven't read comments, just posting my own experience.)

My husband was in a state of semi-denial with all of my pregnancies--right up until the baby came home from the hospital and *things actually changed*. I never think it was completely real to him until we had the baby in our arms. This was the worst with our first, a little less with our second, and now with the third, I think he's still in a not-really-thinking-much-about-it stage, since I still have over 3 months to go with this pregnancy.

And he is a terrific, involved, loving, diaper-changing dad. :)

[hedra]

@hush, they've figured out why PPD and pregnancy depression happen (physiologically - the placenta MUST suppress seratonin, or there will be clotting at the placenta site: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080807112609.htm )

So, yeah, pregnancy depression very common, and maybe some of those weird mood swings have to do with the same function... Having suddenly lost one of the chemicals that promotes emotional stability, it's like losing the rudder on a ship.

[Foster]

Until you start to really get big, no, it's not real for him. Being able to see, every day, that his darling wife looks SO different, that makes the impending become real. That, and being able to see your baby actually roll around inside you when you lie down. My husband was excited to have a baby, but until he watched her being pulled out of me, it was just not the same level as mine, at ALL. B/c he now knows how AWESOME it is to have a baby, I think he will be WAY more into it the next time.

[Suzanne]

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage so my during my second (successful) pregnancy both my husband and I seemed to temper our excitement with a dose of reality. Every time I'd ask him if he was excited, like after our 20 week ultrasound where we found out the baby's sex and saw every part of her, he'd say "let's not count our chickens until they're hatched." I thought he was being a bit grim and was a little disappointed. After she was born he was a typical guy with a newborn, couldn't quite figure out what to do with her. I made sure he spent time with her alone and I knew he loved her - all of the warnings he'd give me about driving, etc. and the intense interest he showed at the pediatrician confirmed that - and whenever he'd hold her I saw him stroking her head and kissing her. Once she started interacting with us and really displaying her personality was when he seemed to go into full "dad" mode. She's now nearly 15 months old and the only way I can describe him is smitten. I think the best thing for me was not to push my expectations of his relationship with the baby on him, I just let him figure it out and take it at his own pace.

[strugi]

Maria-I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. My husband and I decided to have a baby, for some reason we thought that it would take at least 6 months. Two weeks later when I was insane (anxious and bouncing off the walls) I decided to take a pregnancy test and wow! Oh no! What have we done? He did not really talk about the pregnancy with people, but I lost a twin at 6 weeks and we decided to have CVS on the remaining fetus and not tell people until we knew the results. It was the summertime and the only real sign that he was into it at all was that he would put icepacks on my abdomen when I got home from work with the thought that it would help make the baby smarter (?)!

Then, at 28 weeks I developed PIH and was put on bedrest. Suddenly he was the fierce protector. He took great care of both of us and has been incredibly involved in the care of our little one.

They do come around. It will get better and better.

[AmyinTexas]

@strugi--Oooo, I had a similar experience with my third pregnancy (first for my husband). He was not emotionally involved in the pregnancy at all, and I was working to give him space with that. So, when I spent a night contracting at 32 weeks (just like I had with my second pregnancy) I didn't say anything to him about it. Went to work the next day... felt terrible all day. Still didn't say anything. Called doc. Doctor basically said, "Are you nuts? Get in here!" Finally called him and told him what was going on but then said he didn't need to come to the hospital (!). He came, of course, and then was very upset that I hadn't included him in everything that had been going on. So, yes, he clearly was emotionally involved... but couldn't express that in the traditional way until I and the baby needed to be protected.

[diana]

After 4 yrs of trying and many failed IUIs I became pregnant. Hubby was excited, but I recall needing to show him my growing tummy all the time saying "Wow, can you believe this!?"

He was a champ throughout my labor & when baby was born via c-section he was right there in the OR looking out for me.

The weirdest thing was after baby was born he kept holding her, (all the three days I was in the hospitol,) with tears streaming down his face! I never even cried myself. I was actually a little worried about him because he had sooooo much emotion. But it all leveled off and he has been an involved, loving daddy.

[Claudia]

Two things come to mind while reading these responses. One is that my husband doesn't much like speculating on things that may not happen, or aren't his own project. I cannot get him to talk about 'what if' scenarios of any sort, no matter how burningly interesting the topic may be for him.
Second is just a head-banging frustration that men are so literal, so visual-based to the point of needing to see the baby to believe it, and just so man-like! I'm sure these things all came about honestly via evolution, but urg! they are annoying to deal with in cases like these!

As for it being real, DH had a stressful job that took a lot of time, and I don't think he really grasped that we had a baby until she was about 3 months old (about when he stopped working that job).

[lizl]

My husband saw our first sonogram picture and said, "it looks just like a blob!" And that's what he called the baby until he came out: Blob. And now he loves him so much and is such a sweet father. It just takes seeing more than a blurry black and white image for them to connect. Who can blame them?

[Kristie]

Briefly, mu husband was much the same way up until I really started showing. I think a lot of it was that he was a bit terrified that something would happen to me or the baby. But he came right on board as soon as our son arrived.

What I really want to comment on was that link to the cake Moxie posted. Thank you thank you thank you. I looked through that whole site, and my eyes are watering from laughing so hard. A happy start to the day.

[Deanna]

After the first month trying:
Me: I'm pregnant.
Husband: I rule!
Me: ...

I laugh about it now but at the time I was like "Seriously???" He's super-enthusiastic while I'm too tired/sick to be excited yet. What really surprised and disappointed me is that I'm the first of my friends to have children and two of my oldest friends, who were so thrilled about my wedding (first there, too) couldn't have less to say to me about the pregnancy. They've dropped off the face of the earth--we don't live near them and electronic and phone communications have halted entirely--and I was totally unprepared for being written off. I shouldn't have been, because neither want kids and advised me not to get pregnant because "kids are when the fun and freedom end, why would you do that to yourself?"

Or I could just be paranoid and emotional. Six of one, half dozen of the other, perhaps. :-D

[bandwidow]

For us no excitement until we found out the gender of the baby. It was really difficult because I had an HG pregnancy and my previous pregnancy from eight years ago was with a different and abusive partner. I had some really hard moments because of my first pregnancy being so horrible and then the HG, and dh just couldn't understand why I was so emotional.

But he was awesome during the birth and the first two days or so, but after the magic of the baby wore off he became somewhat numb again. He still rocks her to sleep and plays/cuddles, but not as much as I do. I think that's just the way my dh is.

No advice, but I totally understand what it feels like to be worried about dh's bond with baby. I like how Moxie puts it - his time might be when our daughters are much older. He is wonderful with my eight year old, which is why I even explored marrying him. They have a lot of fun together.

[Girl Jen]

The whole pregnancy and newborn experience seemed abstract to *me* until Liz turned about 6 months old!! I knew I had a Big Important Job to do, I read baby care books until my eyes glazed over, I thought of names, I picked out baby paraphernalia...but it never quite clicked that there was a baby inside me and she was really mine.

The whole thing was so overwhelming, it didn't really sink in!

DH was much more involved, both in my pregnancy and Liz's early months, than I was. I'm sure PPD had something to do with that.

(for the record, I've come to accept and love the fact that Liz is my daughter)

[strugi]

@AmyinTexas-I think that was exactly it with my husband. Suddenly he had concrete duties and he took them on to protect us.

@Maria-I hope that your pregnancy is smooth and healthy. My husband and I were watching our son sleep the other night and we were talking about your question. He was uncertain about having a child and willing, but very uncertain. I thanked him for letting me push the decision. He stroked our sons head and thanked me for pushing him.

@Moxie-My husband and I just spent much too much time laughing until we cried at cakewrecks. Thank you for the silliness!

[Motorokr]

Well it's always tough getting the man involved, but once the moment is there, they wake up to it. They just need that epiphany

[Stassja]

It took a little while for my husband to get excited too. We'd been married a few years, and came to the decision to get pregnant together (in other words, it was planned on both our parts). I got my positive while he was at work overnight, and called him right away. His response was basically "cool". He didn't really believe it until I got the positive test at the dr's office. I think he actually got excited (a little) when he first heard the heartbeat, and moreso when we had the ultrasound.

Even then he didn't act terribly excited in front of me, but I know at work he was just bubbling over and showing off pics of the ultrasound and all that. Give it time!

[BRash]

My husband got more into it after he read The Expectant Father. We would have a routine where I would read a chapter of What To Expect while he read his book. It was something nice to share. And I would think that telling people would actually help him out because talking about it more makes it seem less abstract. If he doesn't want to tell people you can just show up at his work to suprise him for lunch and try to look as pregnant as possible!

[Anne]

Im 8 months pregnant with my fiance (with our first baby) it wasnt planned but we are BOTH VERY HAPPY about it. We used to have a GREAT relationship but it has just fallen apart in the last few months. I moved to Spain to be with him and am not working now, and do not speak the language yet and am completely incapacitated at the moment due to my pregnancy and all he does is make me feel bad and like I am burden and like he has to do everything himself and I am completely useless.

He is the sole bread winner now and trying to teach and finish his PhD and I KNOW he feels a lot of pressure - I UNDERSTAND this...however, I have done everything I can in my limited capacity here (even while very pregnant and he just doesnt seem to appreciate it) I am trying to learn Spanish, I already HAVE a stay at home job lined up and a contract and am just awaiting my work visa here, I have given every DIME I had for our new house, even though I just lost my investor, my business and my job last year with the crash and had to fight 6 months for the money I was owed, and now I have nothing and am completely broke and dependent on him.

I have had to endure many very tough circumstances with my career, job, dealing with lawyers etc and instead of being sensitive to this and trying to be supportive he acts like I brought this all on myself, that I am irresponsible and incapable of being a helpful partner in this relationship. He says "he cant so this all alone," and that "I make everything worse" and "I will never speak Spanish" and "he doesnt have faith in me that I will be a helpful partner" "my life is nothing but a disaster" I dont know where this all comes from as I was a very successful independent woman who put myself through University with no help from my parents, made it in NYC and then started my own business in Europe!

I have done a lot already since I got here (only 6 months ago!) - working as an editor for his academic journal for FREE and helping him with his phd, cooking breakfast, lunch, dinner, fixing up the new house, Im even renting part of it as a B&B now for for MORE income....I PUT myself in the hospital in early labor last week for 2 days from over working myself in the heat and he acts like everything Im doing is NOTHING.

My lack of salary right now is TEMPORARY and women arent supposed to work when they are having a baby anyhow - so I dont understand why he has these unrealistic expectations?

He seems to have lost all in faith in the person I was before I got pregnant and is completely NEGATIVE about everything all the time now, puts me down and makes me feel like I have ruined his life. I finally gave him an ultimatum and said I would leave and raise the baby on my own if this is not want he wants but he would be devistated as I know he LOVES and WANTS this baby.

It seems to me that he JUST cannot handle all this pressure and is taking it out on me....if this is the case NOW however I am very fearful that it will only GET 10 times worse when we have the baby - as everyone I know says this is the hardest part.

I dont know how to make it better and I feel more and more depressed, isolated, and despondent each day. HELP!!

[moby wrap]

I feel a little bit lost about how I can best support him right now. We have had conversations so he knows I'm not pushing him to feel more than he does right now.

[MassMothertoBe]

Thanks Girls. I have to say that reading what Moxie and a lot of the other women had to say made me feel much better about my own situation. My husband does not seem very excited about our pregnancy and this has made me a little emotional lately. But, you helped put things in perspective. With the crazy hormones surging, it sometimes tough to focus on the important stuff. And, despite his lack of excitment, I know that he will be a good dad. I'm going to try and focus on that point.

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