Q&A: Does "no gifts" really mean no gifts?

Danielle writes:

"Now that my daughter is 18 months old, she has had the opportunity to attend birthday parties of other kids in her age range.  One aspect of this that my husband and I are unsure of how to handle is the gift.  All invitations we have received indicate something along the lines of "no present please, just your presence," or plainly put, "no gifts please."  However, when we show up at the party with no gift, we always find a big pile of gifts and end up feeling very cheap.  So, the next birthday we go to, we end up getting a gift, just so we don't feel guilty of committing some sort of faux pas.  But I wonder, is the "no gifts" indication truly a wish - because like us, most people probably have more than enough toys lying around, and don't really want to write thank-you notes - or is it just a polite saying meant to be ignored?"

This super-annoys me. If you write "no gifts, please," it's because you either a) don't want gifts, or b) don't want people to feel compelled to bring a gift just for the sake of bringing a gift.

The Golden Rule should apply to this situation as it does to all others: Gift unto others as you want them to gift to you. So, for example, if you found the perfect thing that reminded you of a child or the parents, or something awesomely personalized, or something else really thoughtful, then please give it! But, if the invitation said "no gifts, please," the other people won't be bringing gifts and you don't want to make them feel bad by being conspicuous. So don't bring it and leave it on a table. Instead, give it to the parents quietly when you arrive, making sure they know that you understand the "no gifts" request but just couldn't pass this up because it reminded you so much of their child.

On the other hand, those of us with kids older than age 3 have undoubtedly been the recipients of gifts that were bought just to have something to give. And that's annoying. I'd rather just enjoy having a child at the party and see how happy my child is with his presence than know that the parent ran out to buy something that isn't something my kid's really going to like. Not only did it add some stress to the parent's life to have to buy something, but my child probably won't really enjoy it (or won't enjoy it for long). If you wouldn't want it in your house (which rules out most bleepy toys, Bratz, and anything that makes a noise when you sit on it), then don't give it to someone else.

If the invitation says "no gifts, please," then it's absolutely correct not to bring one. And not to apologize or feel bad about it! If you really feel like you should bring something, bring a bottle of wine for the parents, maybe with some jokey card about "wine for the whiney stage," or something like that. If they don't drink, maybe the Ames & Ilg book for that year, or a coupon for a kids-only playdate at your house so they can have some free time.

At a certain point, most kids figure out that birthdays usually mean presents, so you can't get away with a "no gifts" request. So take advantage of it while you can, and request "no gifts" if you don't want them, and don't bring one if someone else says "no gifts." You can always contribute to the economy in other ways.

For those years when you're going to have to go to lots of parties with gifts (once your kid hits elementary school), pick one present for the age, buy a dozen of them, and give them to every kid whose party your child goes to. Books are great for this, of course. Any other suggestions?

Comments

[SarcastiCarrie]

The only non-December holiday cards we get are from the grandmothers (and one single guy who every few years sends out a newsletter and Chinese New Year card in lieu of a Christmas card).

I figure grandmothers like to do that sort of thing, so I never feel bad about that. Oh, and my sister sends out seasonal photo cards of her kid, but I assume that is about sending pictures of her kid to family she doesn't see very often and not about exchanging cards.

[Jennifer]

Every year we say, "No presents, only your presence," and we MEAN it. It's not about controlling the types of toys or whatever; we simply do not want more toys. Who really needs all those toys? And summer birthdays are a-plenty such that we can't really buy a gift for every single birthday party, and I'm sure other parents are faced with that dilemma. I mean, 20 parties...phew.

I think the best way to put it on the invitation is to say something about giving to a charity instead.

[Jessica]

Just this year I got invited to my first "no gifts necessary, we have everything" party. I thought and thought about whether we should bring something because I had the idea that you can't go to a kid's birthday party without a present. Well, I decided to not bring anything, just a card.

When we arrived people were walking in the house with presents and there was a huge pile in the living room. I snuck my card in the pile, but felt bad that we didn't bring anything when everyone else did.

I loved the idea of a "no gifts" party so we had a tiny one for my daughter's first birthday. No one brought anything except the grandmothers. I knew they wouldn't listen. I was glad and didn't feel bad at all that people didn't bring stuff. I said no gifts. Someone who did attend saw the two presents from the grandmothers and said "Awww, I wanted to bring something but you said no gifts." Maybe next time I'll put the Grandma gifts in the back of the house.

[eta]

I always promise myself I'll just lurk and not comment, because I feel like such a goober when I do comment. But I just wanted to be a little voice on the side of thank-you notes. I always like writing them, though to be fair, in these days of email, I miss writing and getting actual letters, too. I mean, I like taking the time to remember what came our way, and finding something nice to say, and getting to thank the person for both their thought and effort and success, even if I have to exaggerate about the success. I might just be being a sap, but a aunt of mine just passed away, and I wish I'd saved a letter or two of hers from when I was a kid, she had such beautiful handwriting, and much as I treasure our phone calls and kept our emails, I wish I had some of her handwriting to actually look at again. Okay, that last sentence was OT, but I do like the idea of thank-you notes, the connections that can underlie them. Though I do see that if it feels like just another hoop to jump through, it would suck.

I hope I'm not goobing out the conversation, as it were. As ever, it is a pleasure to read about the real world as I drift along in the SAHM summer bubble here in front of the computer. Thanks.

[professor mama]

Last weekend, we went to a birthday party for a 2-year-old. The invite read, "In lieu of gifts, please bring a used book for a toddler gift exchange in celebration of D's birthday." It was fun to choose a book from what seems like our millions to take to the party. And, my son brought home a gift (book) and still refers to it as "D's-party-book."
So, the birthday boy's parents didn't go home with lots of (unwanted) gifts, didn't have to provide goody bags, didn't have to do thank-yous, and we didn't have to shop.
But now, alas, my son thinks that he should get a gift at every party! Ugh.

[KH]

Just a thought, what about, if you are unsure whether or not to bring a gift...when you call to RSVP offer to bring a dish, cookies, anything they might need. That way you are not empty-handed. Simple and its a very nice thought.

[Cloud]

@Professor mama, I LOOOOVE the toddler gift exchange idea, but I can also see the potential issue of expectations in kids too young to really understand... Still I might consider that for later years.

@Joy, I think the 10 year old thank you note would be hilarious, but only worth doing if you want to. At this point, anyone who is offended is either still mad or has gotten over it. Personally, I don't care whether I get thank you notes or not. My feeling on that is that life is too short to get worked up about it. I do like an email when I send a gift via mail, just so that I know it arrived, but if I don't get one, I soon forget about that, too.

I do send thank you notes, though, but only for "big" occasions. I.e., not things that happen every year. I'm not sure what the policy will be for Pumpkin. We'll deal with that when we get there, I guess.

[Julie]

I agree with some of the pp's who say that presence of gifts at a clearly "no-gifts" communicated party are from family members who think "Oh, that doesn't apply to ME......" which I can understand (somewhat) from a grandparents' perspective, but I do think it's tacky to display the gifts for all the guests who followed the directive to see and then feel bad about their lack of a gift.

As for TY notes, I have an aversion b/c my abusive and horrid stepmother would make SUCH A HUGE FREAKING DEAL about them. I send them when it's socially appropriate, but most of my close friends long ago made a "no thank you note pact", and remind each other of the pact in the cards that accompany our gifts (as in "remember, no ty note needed). As busy moms, it's just one more thing to remember to do during naptime or after bedtime. I do have to say though, that if you are going to send one....PLEASE do one in writing, sent through the US mail. I think emails that are "thank you's" are pretty tacky. And lazy. And my motto is: If you're going to be lazy, COMMIT to The Lazy. It's a sin to do lazy half-ass.

[Julie]

And I still have 3 boxes of holiday cards with the family photo on the front that I never mailed out to anyone. Oops. That was $60 well spent, huh? I'm thinking of re-using them by cutting off the holiday greeting half of it and using the photograph and making a homemade post card.

But still. I have to get my shit together one of these days....it's no wonder we don't have any money.

[Dawn]

I'm sorry I didn't have time to read all the comments, but I absolutely agree with what Moxie said and here's my take on it...

I try to have books and balls (gertie balls, in particular, because they are easy to store) on hand to give as gifts. For kids we know really well, I try to go out and get something specific to that person's taste. I like giving gifts because I want my kids to understand giving (as well as getting, which they understand just fine).

On thank you notes, I am completely crap at them and I feel bad about it. Nothing more to say there.

[Edie]

Interesting reading all of the comments. We live in SF and most of the folks we know have incredibly small houses, so the battle of "too much stuff" (esp. crap) is shared.

We have been invited to a slew of 4yo parties, and about half have said "no gifts". one said "no gift required" which still leaves the door ajar....

The nice thing is there is NO GIFT OPENING spectacle, the parties are all about play (and cake). I really think the opening gifts in private is a good thing for parties.

Last year we did the "bring a book" gift exchange and it worked ok. We are planning on doing it again this year and hope it will be an acceptable substitute to either gifts or no gifts.

[MrsHaley]

@eta -- I agree with you on the TY note front. I send them and I appreciate getting them. I've never had much of a problem NOT getting them -- pretty much everyone I might exchange a gift with sends them predictably. I would notice if I didn't get one, but not write that person off permanently, certainly.

Also, don't shortchange your SAHM summer bubble! That's the 'real world,' too! You are not a goob (at least not for posting here!).

[elisa]

I'm going to echo what a lot of people have already said about thank you notes-I'm horrible about sending them. I never expect them and though I may try to send them out, I'm not going to stress myself out feeling like a bad person for not getting them out in time...or ever. I will give my thanks in my own way.

And the "no gifts" party should seriously mean "no gifts" and the stories of people expecting gifts at a "no gifts" party is incredibly tacky.

[Simone]

I have put "no gifts please--just your company to help us celebrate!" on two different invitations (for my son's third and fourth birthdays). And guess what? Not a SINGLE person listened. My son has many friends through a very active MOMS Club, so we invited them to a fairly inexpensive get-together, where he just truly wanted to hang out and play. But everyone brought a gift. Even though I had confided in many of the moms at different times that I was ill with the thought of how many toys my kids had. (We have a family that seems to think material goods replace time spent with kids...I'm not kidding--my mother showed up at a restaurant for a birthday dinner for my son with a BLACK GARBAGE BAG of gifts.) It bums me out to think that those toys could be going to other kids who need them, but I know some of these people would be offended if we gave them away. I do agree with Moxie about that one gift that just "speaks" to the child. Or, I also like the idea about providing a certificate for a special outing with just your child and the birthday child--something meaningful, personal, and non-material. It's still a gift, but less conspicuous.

[Andrea McLaughlin]

I have teenagers and have given dozens of birthday parties. I have a different perspective than most of what I have read so far here.

First, when attending a party for your child your guests are never obligated to bring a gift. Yes, for some types of parties it is common. But putting any reference (request, hint, etc) at all about an expected gift into an invitation implies that you are expecting something. As a host you are not supposed to be thinking about getting stuff from your guests.

The idea of a party is to create a lovely event for friends to gather and enjoy your hospitality. (Yes, I know you knew this already) The unwritten expectation actually is that I will reciprocate by inviting you to my home to enjoy my hospitality, giving me the opportunity to show you my appreciation for your friendship.

No instructions about presents, even negative instructions, belong on an invitation. I don't know how most of you managed to miss this.

Second, your child's birthday is not a fundraiser. If it is, call it what it is and quit pretending this is a kid's party. Again, no instructions on gifts, please.

[Lee]

In situations where we feel uncomfortable about coming completely empty-handed to a "no gifts" party, we will bring a personalized homemade pop-up colouring card (usually with some stickers carefully chosen from our collection at home that we think the child will like).

http://leesvoice.blogspot.com/2008/08/gift-idea-pop-up-colouring-card-for.html

They have been very well received by birthday-child and parents alike!

[amy]

a book donation possibility:
ProjectNightNight.org collects books, blankets, and stuffed animals for the children who accompany women to domestic abuse shelters and homeless shelters. If there is no contact person near you, books can be mailed Media Mail, which is cheaper, and the donation is tax deductible in the US. It's also a really great charity.

[beru]

"First, when attending a party for your child your guests are never obligated to bring a gift. Yes, for some types of parties it is common. But putting any reference (request, hint, etc) at all about an expected gift into an invitation implies that you are expecting something. As a host you are not supposed to be thinking about getting stuff from your guests."

When I invite someone to an event, I don't expect something from them but I do expect that they will think something is expected of them. Because, in my neck of the woods, you are considered rude if you don't bring a gift. This crazy etiquette is so circular. I see nothing wrong with calling it out. By saying "no gifts" on an invite, I think you are basically sending the message that your party is a "no bullshit" zone. "This party is really not a plea for gifts, we want you there."

I am sorry if I sound rude, but I don't think you live in the same world as I do. I understand that, as a host, if I expect a gift, I am seen as rude. However, as a guest, if I forget a gift, I am seen as rude. Don't you see the catch-22 here? We are bound by etiquette to NOT communicate. Can't we just be honest with eachother with out being afraid of stepping on eachothers' toes? It's so disingenuous.

"No instructions about presents, even negative instructions, belong on an invitation. I don't know how most of you managed to miss this."

You are making assumptions. I didn't "miss this" rule of etiquette, I disagree with it. It is insincere not to acknowledge that someone who receives an invite to a birthday party/shower/wedding, etc. will think they are expected to bring a gift. I have nothing against writing "no gifts" because I have crazy tally-taking, materialistic family members who believe that an invitation to a party is equal to a request for a gift. I don't want gifts from them because there are strings attached. I know in the end it is their problem and they are the ones being rude...but in the end, it just makes it easier for me to avoid the drama.

[heather]

I specifically wrote "no presents please" on the invitations to my daughter's birthday party. And I meant it and everyone ignored it, much to my annoyance. The reason I wrote it is because my daughter didn't need or want anything, period.

When I receive an invitation with "no presents please" on it, I do not bring a present. If the party-thrower is trying to be modest or polite or whatever, and actually does want/expect a present, then too bad!

[arb]

@SarahV: "(... The correct attitude is meant to be just not even to mention gifts at all until and unless someone else does, and then to act all pleased and surprised at the thought.)"

While this is true according to tradition (who's tradition? I am not sure!), I think we are past the point in our culture when it's seen as optional to bring presents to a child's birthday party. That's why I think we need to change custom a bit and agree it IS OK to say "no gifts, please."

I will admit I faced this dilemma recently and wimped out. I tried to word my invitation with a subtle variation on "You presence is the only gift we desire" sort of thing. It was only partly successful. That leads me to to commenter who wrote:

"What really chafes me would be to go to a "no gifts" party and see gifts DISPLAYED. That, I think, is the worst part of Danielle's predicament."

Ouch! I never considered that! Now I will, in the future, for sure. I guess I have felt in the past (including last year's bday party for which I DID say "no gifts" and then all but one or two of the ladies {my mom's friends} who showed up did bring a gift) that to squirrel the gifts away somehow deprived the giver of some pleasure they were expecting. At this last party I distinctly wished that opening presents at the party was not the norm. It takes forever and I would have much rather spent the time visiting with the guests (it was a party for adults and children).

[ls]

As a parent that throws "no gift" parties, I implore all of you to take what another adult says at face value. Don't read into it. If I write "no gifts please" on an invitation, I MEAN it. I cannot figure out why we think other grown ups do not mean what they say!! I am much more annoyed with the one parent that brought a present anyway "because I just couldn't resist" and really appreciated all the others that respected that it was my party and when they have a party they can get as many presents as they want. As for the thank yous: etiquette dictates that when you thank someone in person, a note is unnecessary. I think we all have too much time on our hands...but here's what I do think is a bit much: having a gifts party...but not opening the presents there AND never sending a note/calling to say thank you. Kids love to watch other kids open presents. It is a good lesson about manners and the pleasure it brings to give-not get-something.

[Andrea McLaughlin]

Hospitality
It's time to take this whole discussion to another level by increasing the emphasis on hospitality and making an effort to treat your guests to wonderful food, conversation and entertainment. And because you just thought of it, no, this has nothing to do with expense and everything to do with effort.

Quit whining
The charming way to de-emphasize gifts it to stop complaining about these inconsiderate, materialistic gift-giving friends you hang out with and start giving parties that don't require gifts. What? you ask. Yep, I have given many a birthday where birthday is not mentioned on the invitation. We have done a swimming party, girls "fancy" tea party, horseback riding party, a fairy party or a baseball party. Then we sing, eat cake and ice cream. After all the main point of a kid birthday is the CAKE, remember? Not the presents.

Thank you notes
Your goal, should you wish to accept it, is to GET a thank you note from a guest who had a truly great time at a party you gave. There is nearly nothing better than working your butt off to create a great party and getting a hand written note from someone who appreciated what you did. If you have never received such a thank you note, you do not yet understand the value of thank you notes.

[Paranoid]

I can't resist chiming in late because this is one of my pet issues. I belong to a great playgroup, and for our kids' first birthdays, we just did one big party with a gift exchange (each kid gave one present, got one present). It worked so well that we decided to to it again for their second birthday. Imagine my surprise when we started receiving invites to individual birthday parties, too!

In that situation, I was really glad that most of the invites specified "no gifts," and I was more than a little annoyed at the one mom who failed to include that disclaimer.

This year, I really want to throw DD an individual party, but will probably specify no gifts. I want the people we invite to come because we enjoy their presence, not because they'll give DD presents. And since every kid we know has a birthday within a month of DD (and just weeks before Christmas), I just think it'll get silly if we all threw parties and expected gifts from each and every other kid.

[Liss]

Just read this post (way after the fact) but here is part of my philosophy:
http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/
I write "no gifts please" and mean it. Oldest is 3 and got 6 gifts this year--2 grandparents, honorary grandparents, honorary aunt, cousin, and us. I don't mind the grandparents giving gifts, mostly because they both have a pile of grandkids and do NOT go overboard. The rest of the list, except for us, missed the "no gifts please" on the invite, for whatever reason.
I want my child's birthday to be a celebration, not a pile of stuff or a tradition of consumerism.
I didn't "display" the gifts because as a summer birthday, we just have a backyard pool party with cake and ice cream, but they weren't out of sight either. We did open gifts in front of others, but mostly right before the gift giver went home. It wasn't a sit and ooh and aah situation (or making anyone feel bad).
As for TYs, I have started just this year having my 3yo write them with me--as in I write them and he scribbles on them. It's not the actual TY writing that I want to instill as much as the attitude. I have had him give people the TYs himself while also saying TY. I'm probably WAY overboard, but I sometimes (living in the West) wish we lived in the South with the "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am" culture. I just want my kids to learn to be polite and thankful. (Taught junior high for several years--manners are WAY out of vogue....)

[BRash]

We said no gifts for our son's 1 year old birthday, and probably will for his 2nd birthday as well. For his first, I just wanted to have a really big birthday party and invite everyone we know. It seemed like such a big celebration and I felt like everyone in our lives had helped us through some part of the 1st year of our sons lives, either by recommending daycares or babysitting, or just being there to talk about something other than sleep and spitup. I knew if I didn't say no gifts, i would have felt the need to be more restrictive with the guest list, because how can you invite acquintances and then have them feel the need to bring a gift? I did know that some people would bring gifts. In fact, a couple of people even asked before if I REALLY meant no gifts, and I just explained my reasoning - I wanted to invite a lot of people and I didn't want anyone to feel compelled - especially because how much stuff does a 1 year old need anyway? We got probably 2 dozen gifts, out of about 75 attendees. We held it in a local park and I tried to be incomspicuous with the gift pile, setting them onthe benches of our of the rear picnic tables, because I knew people who hadn't brought gifts might feel bad.
And while i did love opening the gifts, I really truly didn't think any more or less of a birthday party attendee becuase he or she did or did not bring a gift. It was really just such a great celebration.

[Radzyn]

Sorry to everyone that does this, but I really dislike the "No Gifts Please" instructions. I really love buying gifts for people, especially children. I remember how much I enjoyed getting presents as a kid, how special it made me feel...even at a young age I think I understood (perhaps because of the way my own parents explained it to me) that it wasn't the present itself that was to be celebrated, it's that someone went out of their way to get something just for me...that they were thinking of me and my special day. I think I loved every gift I ever got, even if I didn't really like the gift itself.

I do respect the wishes of other parents who don't share this view and appreciate the points regarding why some choose not to encourage others to buy presents for their children...but it makes me a little sad.

I do, however, wish parents would give more direction as to what their kids want, or are into.

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