PQotW: Why do parents want to have a second child?

Anonymous writes:

"I have a question that I’ve never really heard discussed anywhere. Why does anyone want to have a second child? Full disclosure—I’ve never been one of those women who desperately want to have kids. Until I married my husband, I would have been fine not having any, and even then I would have been fine adopting. My husband was adopted so he really wanted to have a biological child, and we decided to go for it. I told him then that we’d have one and see how it went. I had a fairly easy pregnancy as pregnancies go, but hated pretty much 95% of those 10 months. I had a home birth, which I’m quite glad about, though it was a long labor. Our son, who is now 24 weeks old, is perfectly healthy, the happiest little boy I’ve ever seen, and really rather easy. I was thrown for a loop over how much time and energy and self-sacrifice was and is required, but not to the point of PPD, and I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile because I was a bit worried about that. I returned to work at 3 ½ months and am now working full time. I love my son more than anything in the world, but my husband is already talking about Child #2, and I absolutely cannot imagine going through this again, much less going through it again while having Child #1. I was ready for him to get a vasectomy the day after I gave birth.  I didn’t like being pregnant, I never want to be this sleep-deprived again, I’ve always needed me-time and am having a hard enough time getting that now. I realized the other day that I might feel a bit differently if I didn’t have to work fulltime, but there’s no option about that. I’m also amazed at the number of people who automatically assume we’re going to have at least one more child. Part of me thinks that I’m being smart at realizing my limitations. But part of me, of course, feels guilty and selfish. So I guess I’m just wondering, is there anyone else out there that feels this way?"

Good question.

I wanted to have a second child because my relationship with my own brother is so important to me that I really wanted that for my son. I knew intellectually I always wanted at least two kids for that sibling relationship, but when my first one was 6 months old I would not have been able to contemplate having another one at all.

Tis is a gut feeling thing, and sometimes it changes (often I think people feel ready for another child when the first one can run away from them) but some people really only ever want one. I think some people get won over by the argument that two kids entertain each other (after a certain point) so parents end up with less work overall by having two. (This argument may or may not be true.) Some people just feel social pressure to have two (or three) so they do it not because they really want to but because they know they can make it through, so why not? Some people do it because they think "no one ever regrets having another child," which I think is patently false. (I think you don't regret the person, but I've definitely known some people who realized that they'd had one child more than they could really deal with well.)

What are some other reasons people want to have another child? Are they different from the reasons people want to have one child? What about the reasons for having three, four, five, or more kids? Do you think most people think long and hard about it, or just do it before they talk themselves out of it?

Comments

[Kate]

@ E: I think I would be unhappy with THREE children vs 2 or 4. Because I've seen a lot of the dynamic of 2 kids vs 1. Two is a set, four or more is a gang. So, bizarrely, having a 3rd in my mind is sort of a 3rd and a 4th. (As if you can plan this, in the grand scheme of things!)

Everyone has their own view of things!

[M]

I'm surprised to not see financial considerations discussed more often. (We have a 3 yr old.) I/we struggle with all these issues that have come up again and again in these posts, but we never have had to really sit down and make a decision because we simply can't swing another right now, financially, mostly because of the cost of health insurance and the complicated details of our particular jobs.

Also, I wanted to add this to all the comments about how the pregnancy experience the first time around influences the second-child question. I didn't see any comments that reflected my experience, which was that I *loved* being pregnant, had virtually no complications or side effects except for getting big and going to sleep at 9pm. It was so positive that I would be nervous about doing it again, because I'd be sad to change that impression of pregnancy, and how could it possibly be so great while I'm chasing around another kid, older, and already tired all the time? (Though I don't think this would really keep me from having another if otherwise it seemed possible.)

[hedra]

@Kate, I agree the view of the dynamics is really based on where you see it from, and what categories the 'bad' patterns fall in among the people you know.

I see the 3 pattern: 2 together, 1 left out, but also the dynamic of who is with whom changing constantly (and 2 on the outs with each other leaves someone to turn to for fun/play, still).

I see 2 total as having a lot of potential for 'either/or' abuse (you're smart, she's not, you're strong, she's not, you're a success, she's lazy, etc.). Past 2, it was really hard to think there were just two kinds of kids, A and B. Once you get to three, mathematically, you can extrapolate to infinte possibility, but with just two, it could just be a single continuum, with one at one pole, the other at the other pole. BUT, parents who are aware of this issue can fight it. And with 2, you end up being forced to work it out eventually, or find some neighbor to play with, to make it a number other than 2.

With just one, it is easy to think 'your way' (whatever way that is) works, and should be used by everyone, if your child is doing well. Or to blame yourself excessively if things are not. Again, some mental effort counters the issue.

And any vs no kids at all, many of the parents I know assume that 'the other people are missing this grand connection to all of life, this powerful sense of responsibility for the world (etc.)'... and yet I see my childfree friends get to that point, too, just without the 2x4 to the head sudden transition. Every one of my childless friends has ended up with that powerful sense of destiny, affecting the future, need to caretake, mentoring mindset, etc. So... what did they miss, exactly? Many have non-kid relationships that have similar features to the adult-kid/adult-parent relationship (often better versions, too, since they can pick and choose with whom these develop). So...

With all of them, you can add family by just absorbing friends or extended relatives. Certainly I'm closer to one of the absorbed friends than I am to two of my sisters, and one of my brothers.

It's all good, as long as we're taking the pulse of the process, for ourselves, for the others involved, and applying a bit of our brains to it periodically. Just thinking it will be good because we wish it to be, or because it was for us, not so useful. Still, I can see choosing on hope, too - hope that you and your new younger sibling will be more benefit to each other than loss. Or hope that despite the intense pressure to provide a sibling, the experience of being an only will provide more benefit than loss.

Ah, well. We don't get to choose what our *kids* will think of what we chose, we only get to try our best to make it good, somehow, whatever path that takes.

[Betsy]

The best decisions are made out of love, not fear.

If you're saying to yourself "I love being a parent, we're both healthy, we have a solid relationship that has stood the test of time, and we can very easily afford another baby, and/or support a baby with special needs" - I say go for it. You're coming from a realistic place.

If you're saying "I'm afraid my child might pre-decease me and I don't want to lose all of my kids. I'm afraid no one will take care of me when I'm old. I'm afraid my child will be lacking a best friend. I'm afraid we'll never have a daughter/son. I'm afraid my relationship will never get any better" - these are not very sound reasons to have another child.

[brooklynmama]

Yes, Moxie (and others), many apologies. I was ranting at large (or maybe to my neighbor who keeps asking my daughter why she doesn't have a brother!), not meant to be aimed at this post or all the well-meaning commenters at all. Sorry about this.

[shirky]

I am sometimes surprised anyone can *afford* two kids! I always thought we had a solid middle class income but ha, ha, ha. We would never be able to afford a second so thank goodness we don't want any more. I feel like every day I turn around and there is another $100 for this or that not to mention the big things like daycare...and college.

[Q]

I lurk usually, but I love this post. I hear those of you mentioning the financial considerations. We're middle-ish class in the greater NYC area but are paupers practically when it comes to raising our child. People bug me constantly on how come my almost 3 year old isn't in school. Reason? Costs money!! I can't imagine having to shell out for any more children in NYC area, no matter how much I love being a parent, being with kids, being with mine all day, solid relationship, the whole 9.

[Marie]

I have identical twins, so the choice of whether to have a second child was never given to me.

As an only child, I always knew that I wanted more than one child. It was incredibly boring and lonely growing up in a house with only adults. I have two cousins near my age but didn't see them very often. So for me, the primary reason to have multiple children is companionship. My mom would disagree. The reason she definitely wanted only one child is because she and her sister have never gotten along.

Another reason is socialization. My parents made few attempts to introduce me to other children until I went to school. I knew how to talk to adults but was clueless about dealing with kids my own age. I still feel more comfortable with people much older than myself than with my peers.

The other factor to consider is the burden put on the single child when you and your husband get older. I have no siblings to share responsibility for my parents' care. No one to help me make critical decisions about my parents' finances and health care. I will have no one to grieve with when they pass. My husband, extended family, and friends will grieve to be sure, but I just don't think it's the same.

Also, from an evolutionary perspective, it's not wise to put all your eggs in one basket. If something should happen to your child, not only would you be heart-broken, but you'd have no other children with whom to share the grief. Your lineage would end. While that may not be a big deal to you, it would undoubtedly devastate your husband.

[M]

What's that saying, "if you wait til you can afford kids, you'll never have any."

But seriously, it's expensive and folks should take that into consideration. Who needs the extra stress of having another kid you can barely afford?

With only one kid, we can afford dance class, vacations, other fun stuff. We are not fancy people, but we can afford to do this, so we do. We both grew up with sibs and our families on tight budgets. Do kids Need these extras? NO. But kids also don't need to be in the middle of a stressed out marriage due to finances.

[Betsy]

@Marie - if our only child dies it would be the end of our lineage? I don't believe that creating a lineage is a necessity in life. Certainly was not why we had children. It was out of love, not out of fear of not passing our genes along.

My hubby hates his father and our family name means nothing to him. Watch out for those "undoubtedly" statements - we don't speak for everyone.

[anon]

@M - same situation. Great pregnancy, easy delivery (totally feel that the next time around would be awful just because the first time went so well), love my baby to pieces and simply don't have the resources for another. Could we get by if we had to? Possibly but it would be really, really hard financially. Emotionally I don't feel either of us are or will be deprived. We're exiting the baby stage and I feel myself longing for another to "baby" but I can't see sacrificing what we've got to satisfy that urge. The next baby will just grow up, too.

[hedra]

The finances are definitely a concern. See a financial planner/advisor if you think you want another but don't know how to manage it. We found our financial planner made it possible for us to seriously consider that third child. Who turned out to be twins. The fifth person I called after I found out it was twins was the financial advisor. HELP! We managed to tweak life so we could have the third, juuuuust barely. NOW WHAT? We tweaked some more, and ... well, it's not fun to say 'we can't afford that' but we can afford the things that we value most. Good enough. Imperfect, but good enough.

[Elle]

I wish I knew I only wanted one. My life would be so much simpler :) I have a lot of respect and a little envy over people who are very confident about these things. As it is I have two, and we are on the fence about a third. I just don't feel done. My kids bring me so much joy I want to have more. That's pretty much it. They bring out the best in me and my husband. But we worry a third would just be pushing things -- lifestyle, finances, our ability to give and give to our kids and still have something left for each other and ourselves. I wish I had more time to decide. Since I'm 35 we've decided to wait until next summer, when the younger will be just past 2, to make up our minds. We're trying to look down the road a number of years, and not just take into accout what our family is like right in this moment, with two very small kids. I had great pregnancies/births though had some fertility issues before having my first daughter. So we feel a little arrogant even to assume we can have another. And if we start trying and I don't get pregnant I'm not sure I'll know when to stop trying. I think about having a third a lot, though, probably every day. Which makes me think I really want to go once more...

[Fahmi]

I HATED being pregnant, and this time around, I feel guilty about whining because I wanted a second baby anyway. Like many of the others, it's entirely wanting my son to have a sibling. I loved having an older brother as a kid, and we've been close pretty much all our lives. I wanted my son to have that. My husband is the older brother, and he's not too enamored about siblings, so perhaps my son won't be too excited about having a younger one taking away his toys, but as adults, hopefully they will get along. My family is huge - and my son has plenty of cousins to play with, so I wasn't worried about close relationships - it's just that a sibling feels very important in my view of the world.

Not that it's a must in every family. I don't think it's selfish to feel like you don't want anymore. And despite feeling like I want #2, no matter what, I definitely didn't feel like having another until my son was over 2. Being able to communicate and sleep makes a huge difference.

[Deb]

I'd leave it at being open with your husband and having an honest conversation on why he's ready for #2 - what does that even mean TO HIM?

My son was colicky, had double hernias and the surgery to repair them at 7 weeks and was by all respects a very high needs kid. He was a whirlwind of activity, fierce love and even fiercer independence and I COULD NOT FATHOM having another one...like him. I love him like a momma bear and still could not imagine another kid in our family.

Until roughly three years ago. And now, due to our family genetics, we have TWO more albeit very different and sweet girls. 10 year old (going on 18) and two 23 month old girls. I'm in a much different place now than when pregnant with him in terms of maturity, age and I'm much more comfortable with myself and respecting my own opinion.

Kids are a joint effort (laying aside pregnancy of course). Communicate with your husband and at the very least leave the option open for you to change your mind in the future.

Good for you for knowing yourself as you are now and respecting that.

[ksmaybe]

chiming in late here, but my son 10 1/2 months old now and I'm just at the point where having another doesn't sound absolutely insane. I'm not ready yet (nor is my body-still lactational amenhorrea) but I can imagine being there. Up until recently, I couldn't even let my mind go there. I look at my son now and I wonder about it. I wonder about disrupting our little world, I wonder about what's best for him, and I wonder if it's even possible given what we went through to get him. Time will tell, but I've seen my viewpoint change already, so, never say never.

[Foster]

I love kids. I LOVE kids. I absolutely could not wait to have them. I now *fianlly* have one and I LOVE IT. My reasons for wanting kids was/is purely selfish: I just wanted them.

[toomuchstrong]

We (I) wanted to have at least two kids for a couple of reasons. First, before I even had one, I wanted more than one because I was an only child (although with a step and a half sister later on in life) and I was always very lonely. I was lonely not only because I had no siblings, but because I was raised by a single mother who worked until late every day. From first grade on, I was a latch-key child who desperately craved companionship. Had my mother and father and/or other family members been around more, I may not feel this way today, but this is my experience so I can only talk about that.
The second reason I decided to have another child (currently pregnant) was because I had a difficult time with my first one and wanted to do it "over again" from the beginning with a fresh outlook. I was too nervous, too anxious, too inexperienced, clueless, not trusting myself, baby was not the "one I ordered" etc. I am feeling shame just thinking back on how I was at times disappointed that my baby wasn't the easy, quiet baby that everyone loves, but the one that would only want mom. I was worn out and worn down for the first 8 months partially because I wasn't good at asking for and accepting help. I felt like I had to do everything on my own in a CERTAIN way otherwise I was a bad mom and my kid was being harmed. I was lonely and just super drained.
And now I am HOPING that I can do better by "me" and better by my next child by accepting what comes my way; the hard, hard work of raising kids, the inhuman sacrifices mothers are asked to make and the incredible highs and lows. I simply want to try to do this thing again.

[Kimberly]

So I am commenting kind of late on this. But I feel the same as the original poster. Except I didn't have an easy pregnancy... so I can't fathom going through that again. My baby is only 9 months old and I feel so much pressure to have another baby. I am really not sure that is right for me... for many of the same reasons the person mentioned above.
I am very happy with my son, but I am having several pp issues still... and I am not sure I want to do it again.
I don't think the OP is self-ish, I think she is honest. I know my feelings may change. They may not.

[anon]

Reading all the posts is like reading my thourghts all over again. I have gone round and round in circles thinking about having a 2nd child at the age of 34. I never wanted children and when i thourght 6 years ago i was pregnant i was quite excited. When i wasnt my husband and i thourght we would go for it and within 4 weeks i was expecting... My little man is perfect so clever, bright, confident and handsome. But i have a large family of siblings who i love dearly and my hubbi also has a sibling who are like two peas in a pod. The question i keep milling round is do we have another for our son? I am 34 and have worrys about defects in birth and dont want to get any older. But each time i think about it i always come back to money, work, childcare, space i dont have an issue with the sleepless nights or the birth the first time had its moments but was well worth it. Then the other side rears its head - i would love my son to have the relationship i have with my siblings and he has started school and has asked several times for a brother or sister so i go round and round and round.

[Swistle]

For me, it's just been WANTING. I just WANT MORE. I'm pretty sure it's biological. I have five and I still want more, and this worries me.

[Karen]

Thank you for a great article, i feel the exactly same way. I have a 2 year old and after having her i decided i really didnt want more kids. It was very nice reading what you wrote. Thank you

[Mose]

II also am on the receiving end of the seinlt treatment. The newest issue with it is…I am numb to it and whatever reaction his is trying to get…he isn’t getting. I am not giving him the seinlt treatment back but I am certainly not calling or texting as I would normally. I don’t have the time or energy to sink into it if he isn’t going to respond, not to mention I would only be feeding his fire. The problem is due to the military we aren’t even in the same state so phone/email is all we have. I am okay to go on right now but want it known I am not giving the seinlt treatment back I just can’t keep chasing him. When I call and he doesn’t answer or call back I generally try it one more time and then I am done. I used to beg for him to speak to me. Unfortunately for him I don’t think he is getting whatever results he is looking for, if he even knows what he is looking for. Because he is away I am a single mom with a full time job, and sick mother so I don’t have time for games. I don’t text or call as I normally would but I do text occasionally when I need to, because I am bigger than this seinlt treatment and life goes on. However, it still gets old. I want him to understand that I am not giving him the seinlt treatment nor do I want to encourage this destructive meaningless behavior. To me life is short and we should pick our battles. So I guess the question is at what point do I go with my gut and just COMPLETELY STOP texting or calling? If he were to make contact I would communicate but I am tired of making even the minimal effort only to be shut down. I ask because so many of these sites say how important it is to try and talk and yet not fuel the fire. The bottom line is I need a partner (as limited as that is from a distance) not a ball and chain that makes an EFFORT TO SINK ME. He WILL NOT hear me, if my opinion is different than his and he feels it is threatening or a loss of control he is mad and I need to be punished. I realize now this is not an ideal relationship for me or the kids but what’s done is done. I am not scared to be alone or be a single mom but I do believe that a divorce wouldn’t be any better of an option, at least right now. In the last 6 months he has come SOOOOoooo far but it is at times like these that I just wonder what the heck? I guess all in all I could just keep going the way we are, I mean if he doesn’t want to talk that is his problem. I have MANY other things to occupy my mind. Again my concern is just that I am not giving him the seinlt treatment but just not feeding in to his destructive games.

[Idha]

. We've been on vacation and I've gotnitet from him, ruining our vacation. One really memorable time was landing in Dublin, Ireland. He was mad at me (I found out later) over a question I asked him about the rental car. He said (later, when he started talking to me again after a couple of days) that I wanted to be the man so he just shut up so I could be. Another time, we were in Italy in this beautiful resort in the mountains, on business with some people he worked with, and he got mad at me. I got the ST for three days that time, and I still to this day don't know why. I look back on those times, thinking those opportunities to see other countries should be some of the most wonderful memories I have. Instead, I just remember the hurt and feeling betrayed by this man who should have been by my side, enjoying the wonder of where we were and each other's company. I want to cry every time I think of those experiences. I am so hurt and frustrated over this treatment. Yes, even after all these years! I'll never get used to it. It feels so childish and manipulative to me! Do people who give the ST really believe it's a way to better the relationship? Seriously??? I've always wondered how can people do this to ones they say they love? My husband has been out of work for three years now, and I know his anger over that spills over into other parts of our relationship. But that doesn't mean it is okay to use me as a psychological punching bag, i.e., using the ST. He gets angry over something I do or say almost daily. He is a nice person when he isn't angry at me and giving me the ST. And I, too, like someone above, have to wonder if what he really wants is the end of the relationship because apparently I'm not the person to make him happy. I mean, really, if your spouse is getting mad at you over stupid little things, and doing it almost every day and I mean really angry, to the point I'm left standing, looking at his back as he stomps away, shaking my head and saying What just happened/ what does that say to you? I think I've known for awhile, just don't want to admit it. 35 years is a long time to dump down the drain.

[Engin]

Here we go again with someone bniamlg God for the crappy situation that they are in. God gave us something called FREE WILL. We aren't robots; we can make our own choices. YOU made the choice to be unfaithful. YOU made your bed, now lay in it.

[Angel]

Our future child will deefiitnly be the first grandchild on DH's side, as he's an only child. Its also really likely that he/she will be the first grandchild on my side as well, because I only have one sister and she is in college (19) and hasn't yet had a serious boyfriend. But hey, I guess you never know.As for our friends, we will probably be the first as well. There are only a few other couples in my group of friends that are married, but they expressed waiting a while (we are 22/23). DH's friends....well they seem to be far from the serious relationship/marriage/babies point in their lives.We will start TTC this spring!

[vecesastDoste]

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