PQotW: Why do parents want to have a second child?

Anonymous writes:

"I have a question that I’ve never really heard discussed anywhere. Why does anyone want to have a second child? Full disclosure—I’ve never been one of those women who desperately want to have kids. Until I married my husband, I would have been fine not having any, and even then I would have been fine adopting. My husband was adopted so he really wanted to have a biological child, and we decided to go for it. I told him then that we’d have one and see how it went. I had a fairly easy pregnancy as pregnancies go, but hated pretty much 95% of those 10 months. I had a home birth, which I’m quite glad about, though it was a long labor. Our son, who is now 24 weeks old, is perfectly healthy, the happiest little boy I’ve ever seen, and really rather easy. I was thrown for a loop over how much time and energy and self-sacrifice was and is required, but not to the point of PPD, and I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile because I was a bit worried about that. I returned to work at 3 ½ months and am now working full time. I love my son more than anything in the world, but my husband is already talking about Child #2, and I absolutely cannot imagine going through this again, much less going through it again while having Child #1. I was ready for him to get a vasectomy the day after I gave birth.  I didn’t like being pregnant, I never want to be this sleep-deprived again, I’ve always needed me-time and am having a hard enough time getting that now. I realized the other day that I might feel a bit differently if I didn’t have to work fulltime, but there’s no option about that. I’m also amazed at the number of people who automatically assume we’re going to have at least one more child. Part of me thinks that I’m being smart at realizing my limitations. But part of me, of course, feels guilty and selfish. So I guess I’m just wondering, is there anyone else out there that feels this way?"

Good question.

I wanted to have a second child because my relationship with my own brother is so important to me that I really wanted that for my son. I knew intellectually I always wanted at least two kids for that sibling relationship, but when my first one was 6 months old I would not have been able to contemplate having another one at all.

Tis is a gut feeling thing, and sometimes it changes (often I think people feel ready for another child when the first one can run away from them) but some people really only ever want one. I think some people get won over by the argument that two kids entertain each other (after a certain point) so parents end up with less work overall by having two. (This argument may or may not be true.) Some people just feel social pressure to have two (or three) so they do it not because they really want to but because they know they can make it through, so why not? Some people do it because they think "no one ever regrets having another child," which I think is patently false. (I think you don't regret the person, but I've definitely known some people who realized that they'd had one child more than they could really deal with well.)

What are some other reasons people want to have another child? Are they different from the reasons people want to have one child? What about the reasons for having three, four, five, or more kids? Do you think most people think long and hard about it, or just do it before they talk themselves out of it?

Comments

[Anon.]

Interesting question. Haven't read your response yet because I didn't want my opinion to be swayed ... I have a friend, a married couple, he wants kids and always has, she hasn't so much ever and doesn't have the MOMMY-GENE that I do, always wanted them, finally have one, will have more, etc. Not everyone is cut out to devote their life to another person and give up the personal needs that must be given up temporarily at least while there are young children around. Is it selfish? Maybe, but there isn't anything wrong with that, because it is a choice. Comparatively maybe it's selfish but as long as it is your choice to have kids, it is also your choice NOT to have kids and I think everyone has a right to choose their lifestyle be it living on the west coast or east coast, having kids or not having kids. It saddens me deeply when I see spouses divided over having children because I know the desire to have a baby ... I'm lucky that my husband values a family the same way I do. It makes me wonder if people really did chose the right partner. I would encourage any engaged or serious couple to actually hack through these issue NOW because you don't want to be seven years down the road still waiting for your spouse to get on the kid-wagon.
I still see my child-less friends going out a lot more, dinners, movies, impromptu gatherings and I used to feel left out but I've come to see that I have something they don't and I can't resent them for something they can't understand. I have many more thoughts but I think I'll read through the comments first.

[petiteboo]

The "Only Kids" I've known talk about how lonely they were. This prompted me to have two but at the same time, I really wanted another child. My first pregnancy and child were fairly easy. I knew nothing about raising children much less an infant so after hearing all the horror stories I was expecting the absolute worst in sleep dep, fatigue and zero me time. Maybe expecting the worst actually made it seem easier.

I have a couple of girlfriends who are happy to stop at one. I don't think there's anything selfish in that. As Moxie said there are people who know exactly what they want, and if one child is enough - good on ya!

[hush]

A reason for having three? They had 2 of a kind and were trying for 1 of the other gender. I think this sometimes gets problematic, i.e. an acquaintance of ours who had to "learn to love" her son because she really wanted a girl so she could have tea parties with her and plan her wedding. So vapid it hurts!

Another family we know had 2 girls but wanted to try for a boy, which they finally got (1 & 2 are 22 mos. apart; 2 & 3 are 25 mos. apart). So now the poor middle girl, nicknamed "spare," has never gotten much individual attention. Her speech issues at age 5 are reportedly compounded by a lack of exposure to grown-up speech at an earlier age. Very sad.

It's never, never, never, not ever! "selfish" to decide you don't want to add to your family. Period. However, it IS incredibly selfish to extend beyond your means in the name of fantasies about silly activities you think you can or can't do with kids of a certain gender.

In families with four, five, or more kids - the only families I know in this camp are either very religious, have a ton of money, had multiples, or had a surprise.

I don't think most people think long and hard enough about it. There is not a damn thing wrong with having zero or one child. I'd argue that for most middle income families this is the most unselfish gift you can give your child: the gift of time, economic resources, and undivided attention. As others have said, there are no guarantees in life. I think society would be a lot better off if more people knew when to say when.

[Cloud]

Interesting comments. I have one 16 month old daughter. I have often said that the first 6 months were the hardest of my life. Hubby really wants another, but until recently I couldn't even contemplate it without feeling panicked. Now I agree that we should have a second. It just feels like what would be right for our family. In particular, I watch Hubby with our daughter and with other little kids and think that it would be unfair not to let him have another kid to father. He's so good at it!

I will say that I would have been devastated to get pregnant again before about now, and even now, we haven't made the leap. I'm 36, so we'll have to do it soon, but our daughter is still not sleeping through the night, and I can't fathom the idea of handling that PLUS the first trimester energy suck. So the timing remains in question, even though we both know we want a second baby.

I agree with the PPs who say it is not selfish to know your limits. But I also agree that you don't really know what those limits are when you are in the middle of the first few months with a newborn. To the original poster, I say- wait and see what you want when your baby is older. You will have gotten farther along in the adjustment of your identity to "mother" as well as all the other things you are, and you will have a better idea of what you actually want without the complicating factor of the initial shock of motherhood.

[MLB]

We have 3 and we knew that we wanted/needed at least two from the time our first was born. I don't think we took the leap before we had a chance to talk ourselves out of it. I think having one is great, none is great, etc. if that's what's right for you and your family, but that doesn't mean that those who have three and more did it without thinking about it. Despite 3 being "the new 2" many people asked if it was a "surprise", given that we already have a boy and girl and #2 and #3 are less than 2 years apart. I guess my rambling point is that it's not at all inappropriate to know that you're "done at 1" but it's also not inappropriate to go beyond the standard 2 kids, 1 of each. Thus all decisions should be respected - there's no 1 family type that works.

[SW]

Ah, the great debate all moms have with themselves...how many children to have? I can't tell you what is right for your family, I can only share my personal experience.

I have never been a baby person; even now, having a 9.5 mo son, I am not one of those "Ohmygoshlookatthecutebaby!" people. I never really wanted children, but always thought that if I DID wind up with kids, I'd have two. A boy, and then a girl. (This was fantasy world where labor didn't hurt and you could choose your child's gender). My reason for wanting two, and in that order, was simple; I am an only child and always wanted an older brother. While parts of being an only child were wonderful, other parts were not. One night when I was about 8, my mother fell to the floor from the dining room chair she was sitting on. She told my dad to call an ambulance, that she was dying. There I was, crying my heart out because my mother was going to die, and no one to hold me and cry with me as my dad was all consumed attending to my mom. I felt totally alone. (She turned out NOT to be dying, and now just LOVES being a grandmother). That experience did something to me, and I vowed that if I did have children, I would NOT have just one child. Fast forward to a few months after my DS was born. I had a miserable pregnancy, post partum complications, my DS had emergency abdominal surgery at 4 weeks followed by two infections of the surgery site. And, I did not give birth to a sleeper. My husband and I often asked, "And sane, rational people do this TWICE??????" In my heart, though, I know we will still have another one (possibly adoption). But. not. anytime. soon. Don't put any pressure on yourself to make a decision now. When my son was 6 months old, the thought of another child was enough to make me pull out the phone book and start looking up shrinks! If "one and done" is right for your family, then wonderful. If later on you decide another might not be so bad, then also wonderful. I guess what my sleep deprived brain is trying to say is that this is a perfectly normal feeling at this stage in parenthood. Don't sweat it, and if your felings last, no big deal. Your family of three might be just perfect for you.

[Jennifer]

Au contraire, mes amies. I am an only and loved it this way. I was never lonely. I had plenty to do, and I always had lots of friends to play with.

As an adult approaching 40, I have had so many friends 35+ who remained child-free and SINGLE. Marriage and children are not for everyone.

[Bridget]

I have been struggling with the decision to have a second since before my son was born (9 months ago). There are several issues that I am dealing with.

I had a difficult pregnancy and despised being pregnant. Although I do realize that it is temporary I actually shudder with the thought of going through it again.

A bigger issue since the baby has been born is my husband. To be honest he sucks at the whole baby thing. He has no patience, gets mad when the baby won't stop crying and argues with my about how the baby should "understand" what is going on. I do the majority of the "baby stuff" which already exhausts me, a second seems like it would crumble me. He is slowly getting better, especially as the baby gets older and is more interactive but it still sucks.

Husband is already insisting on only one. I keep going back and forth. My biggest fear is that he will be upset with me if we have a second and that I will be upset with him if we don't.

Additionally, I am so glad someone else voiced the whole what if I lose my child fear. I have been feeling like this for some time and feel so guilty. I know that another child would never replace my son, but if I lost him I would lose my only child!

A couple months ago I had a miscarriage and was actually relieved. I have no doubt that we are not ready for another yet, so I guess we will just have to wait to see what happens in a couple years.

[Alice in Wonderland]

I just want to say that my son is 9.5 months old and I feel *exactly* like the OP -- except that my husband is agreeing with me that one is enough. So as things stand, we're not likely to have another. But I'm definitely feeling the social pressure to have more, and so I keep questioning my own decision and angsting about it!

[Dana]

What an interesting question! And responses!

I think people have 2nd, 3rd, etc children sometimes for gender purposes. My grandma had 3 kids- two girls and then a boy. She said she would have tried again if they had a 3rd girl. And I know people who do that today.

We have one little girl, 9 months, who is the sparkling gem of our lives. I'm not mentally ready to be pregnant again, but I definitely want to have more children. My husband feels the same way. Well, he's mentally ready but he's not the one that waddles around for 9 months. The sibling factor is something I want my daughter to have- my brother and I are close and I treasure that relationship.

There is a lot of societal pressure and I am starting to hear "are you going to have another one?" I can deflect this for now by explaining that I'd like to be done nursing before becoming pregnant.

W/ respect to the individual situation of Anonymous, having different wants between partners about how many kids is kinda tough. If you feel that you really wouldn't handle having another child well, then don't do it. Alot of women, even when they are WOH, carry the brunt of the home stuff & child rearing. That responsibility & lack of sleep could be disastrous for you unless your spouse was willing to make some SERIOUS sacrifices for child 2.

[anonnie-miss4now]

@Bridget - oh, honey. Doubt means don't!

My grandmother gave birth to 13 children (yes, you read that correctly. The last one pretty much fell out) and she also had a hubby that fits your DH's description ("he sucks at the whole baby thing. He has no patience, gets mad when the baby won't stop crying..")

My awful grandfather sired 12 children and never changed a single diaper during their entire 24-year-long childbearing period.

The good news for you is that times have changed, and now women have more choices than ever. Your children don't all need to have the same father, if you catch my drift.

[Julie]

I haven't read through all the comments yet, but want to chime in with agreement with all of what you've said. I think pretty much every mom thinks long and hard about when/if to have #2, and it takes some longer than others to figure out what is right for them. For me, I hated being pregnant. I had a difficult and painful pregnancy the first time. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with #2, and so far it's been significantly different. Better in some ways, and worse in others, but I have a gut feeling I won't be having the level of pain I had with #1.

I, too, chose to go for #2 because I want my son to have a sibling - I want him to have the good, the bad, the ugly.....I want someone in his life he can talk to about how f-ed up his parents are and who will *totally* get it, because they lived it too.

I could not fathom being pregnant for the longest time. The LONGEST time. My friends who had kids the same age as #1 started having #2's early and I just remember with every pregnancy announcement thinking, "Better you than me." But at about 20 months or so, I started thinking, "hm. I could do it again.....someday." which by about 24 months turned into "Let's shoot for conception in about 4 months". We are very lucky that it was not difficult for us either time.

It's different for everyone. Keep checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling. It's certainly understandable that you are not ready to start all over again right now. My friends who had kids 12-15 months apart were all VERY surprised (and dismayed, freaked out, upset) to find themselves pregnant again. For most people, it's not an ideal spacing, because it's just SO HARD. But the hard becomes different as the kids get older, so "baby-hard" doesn't seem so hard in comparison to "toddler-hard" and people start thinking they can do it again.

And I'm right there with you in needing "me-time". I desperately need it, which is why I chose to continue to work (aside from financial obligations....I think I'd do it even if we didn't need the $$). I think staying home full time is MUCH HARDER than working full time. I'm a teacher, so I get plenty of time off to get a feel for what being a full time mom feels like. And it's freaking hard. Much harder than managing a class of 32 ten-year-olds. Though I say that now not having managed a class of 32 ten-year-olds while pregnant. Should be interesting.

Listen to your heart. Do check-ins with yourself every so often to see how you are feeling. And don't let your husband pressure you into doing something that just doesn't feel right for you. You never know.....in 5-6 years when #1 is settled in school all day you might think about it again......or maybe not. No stigma with deciding you want one. As I like to say to my friends who choose not to have any....."Parenthood.....it's not for everyone."

[JB]

We tried for 10 years to have a baby, then adopted. Our daughter was so plain wonderful, the absolute joy of our lives, that we decided we absolutely wanted to do it again. We put in our papers for a second adoption. One week later, I found out I was pregnant. (!)

As difficult as it was to adopt (paper chase, wait and wait, travel, adjust) it was far harder being pregnant, delivering, learning to nurse, having a newborn -- all things I'd never done before. When my son was 5 months, I thought I might be pregnant again, and I thought I'd vomit, I was so scared. (I wasn't. Thank God.) Since then, my wonderful baby has gotten easier and easier: giving me big open-mouthed smooshy kisses, sleeping through the night, patting my shoulder when he hugs me. I tell my husband, if we only had to do the easy parts, I'd do it again. But we have to do all the parts. We're calling a halt.

Two wonderful kids is more than we ever dreamed we'd have, and it's all I think I can have and still retain my temper and grace and sense of my marriage. I am so grateful.

[Julie]

Also want to say, my cousin has four boys. I'm not sure if they're "trying" for a girl - I don't like to ask that question because I think it kind of de-values the boys she has and cherishes. She also comes from a family of 10 kids. She is the youngest at 37, the oldest is 62. I would ask her mother, "Auntie, are you nuts???" and she would always say, "Sweetie, after the third one, they raise each other." My cousin and her husband live on a 1000+ acre farm so I think that helps. A lot. But the winters inside are BRUTAL.

This doesn't answer the question "Why do people do it?" but this is her experience. The family wonders sometimes if this last one (a few weeks old....another boy!) will be her last. We will just have to wait and see.......

[brooklynmama]

This only child bashing is out of control! Anonymous, if you lived in Europe, where people seem far more community and environmentally conscious, only children would be the norm. Anyone who makes comments about having more than one, including subtle media messages, is clearly out of touch. Some of the greatest people on the planet are only children, including one of our current presumptive presidential nominees.

[Cloud]

@Bridget- we had a "scare" when Pumpkin was 10 months and I was just about ready to jump off a bridge if that pregnancy test hadn't come back negative. Like I said earlier, my opinion didn't change until Pumpkin was around 14 months old.

However, my Hubby is really, really good with the baby, and always has been (or at least wanted to be early on- he had some on the job training to do before he really was). I hope you and your Hubby sort things out. Maybe try getting the AAP baby book, and show him the (short) blurbs about what is developmentally normal at each age? I also seriously recommend finding some time to talk without baby wrangling at the same time. Hubby and I used to do it while taking Pumpkin for a walk when she was about the age you say yours is now. She would zone out or nap, and we would get a chance to talk things through.

[Amy]

I'm an only child and consider myself to be very well-adjusted and much better at dealing with the kind of roommate/sharing situations that come up in a marriage than my husband who was the 2nd of three boys.

But I always *knew* I wanted 3 children. My husband wants one more, and I could go for that if space and finances permitted, but they don't, so I'm perfectly happy stopping at three.

I think you know in your heart when you're done. If that's at one, it's not selfish, it's smart. Enjoy!

[caramama]

Sorry, I only had time to skim the comments. I'll have to go back and read them tonight. Probably what I'm about to say was already covered, but here are my data points anyway.

Hubby and I waiver back and forth over 2 or 3. We are both the youngest of 3, which is why I always wanted 3. I guess it's just what is familiar. Hubby usually says 2, unless the second is a girl like the first is, because he's pretty much the last of his family who can carry on his last name. He really wants to try for a boy. But if we have a boy next, then we are still debating the 2 vs. 3 question. We both agreed that if the second is as high needs as the first (though I love every bit of her, it has not been easy), we can probably only handle 2. But we'll see.

Like Moxie, the sibling relationship was so meaningful to me and my hubby, that there was no question of having at least 2 for us. I totally respect the decision of others to have one. I know plenty of only children (niece and nephew included) who are wonderful children and people. It was just that hubby and I simply feel like 2-3 is right for us.

I did read Shandra's comment. (@Shandra - I'm sure I've said it before, but I'm so sorry for your loss.) Two books I've read recently had the death of a teenage child who was an only child, and the parents were devastated. In all honestly, I think that for evolution's sake, the whole drive to have more than one is tied to infant/child mortality. Now that we live in a less risky world that what humans lived in thousands of years ago, there is less of a need to have so many children. And yet, I know I would be completely devasted if I had one child and lost them and never had another to parent.

Finally, a while ago when the Pumpkin was in one of her awful sleep regressions and I was suffering from PPD my husband said he was ready to try again whenever I was. Moxie happened to have one of those open posts, and I posed a question about how would I ever be ready to have another and go through this all again and how would I know I was ready. The responses basically said that you come to a point where you are just ready (or you don't and realize you want one).

It was true. Now that the Pumpkin is a toddler (an age I LOVE) and is so fun and neat to see as a little person, I know that I can handle more and I'm ready for more. Also, although I remember the suckiness of pregnancy and childbirth and the whole first year of sleeplessness and PPD, it has all faded enough at this point that I forget just how bad it was so I can go through it again. Oh boy. (Not that I'm pregnant yet... that I know of...)

[Julie]

I keep thinking of more things to say.....mostly because I really did struggle with this decision myself. But I promise, this will be my last comment.

My parents got divorced when we were little (I was 5, my brother was 7). My dad remarried a horrible woman who hated us (and I mean this literally.....as an adult my dad confirmed that this was, in fact, true). It was an awful situation, and one that would have been 1,000 times worse if we had not had each other. He will always understand in a way no one else can ever understand why I am the way I am, and how much that shared experience f-ed us both up.

My mom was an olnly child. I spent a lot of time asking her what that was like and if she wished she had brothers or sisters. She said it was lonely.....but mostly because her parents never encouraged or allowed her to have friends over frequently or to take a friend with them on vacation. She said if they had allowed her to do that more, she would have been much less lonely. When making this decision she encouraged me that one would be just fine as long as we worked hard to provide plenty of opportunities for our child to have sibling-like relationships with friends or cousins, or whatever. When her mother was old and in a nursing facility, it was extremely difficult on my mom because there was no one there to help her, no one for her to lean on. But she always followed that up with, "But there's no one to fight with, to argue with about decisions. What I decide is the final word, and there is great relief in that".

There really is no wrong path.

[Suki]

@Bridget - my dh kind of sucked at the whole baby thing too. it was a real shocker to me and put a ton of strain on our relationship for the first year because i was perpetually disappointed/frustrated with him. i often thought i could never do it again because of how little help i felt i got in the first year. but, now that ds is a toddler, it's completely different. he's a great, involved, fun, responsible dad and (most of) the child-rearing responsibilities are shared. hang in there...

[Shannon]

@Bridget, my husband was not very good with the baby either. He's better now that our son is a toddler, but still, he does NOT GET UP IN THE MORNING. I think he sleeps until about noon when I'm at work. So, I'm the one getting the kid out the door and dropped off at daycare. That reason alone scares me away from having a second.

[Christiana]

I am so grateful for all of you who said that at 6 mos, you couldn't bare the concept of having another one. My daughter is nearly 6 mos and I think about having another one and I cringe. I'm so freaking tired. And while she's overall an amazing baby, I just can't imagine dealing with 2 kids fussing or whatever at the same time. Ugh.

That being said, it has always been my intention to have multiple children. I was an only child and constantly "adopted" friends of the family as wannabe siblings throughout the years. (I still claim one as my "big sister"). I wanted a sibling SO bad growing up - and even in college, so not give that to my daughter is unthinkable. My husband is one of 4 kids and he thinks that is the ideal number (we're negotiating that).

I've always pictured a couple of years in between kids, but I found myself thinking about it a lot now. I'm really not ready (see first comments), but part of me really likes the idea of having another baby. But it's almost like I'd rather go through it again to simply end up with one child (I don't relish having a toddler while being pregnant - it was hard enough while working full time, I can't imagine how it will be when I'm running after a toddler).

And there is something to be said about being an only child. You don't have to share your parents' attentions, your toys, your room. I went to private school that I loved which likely wouldn't have happened had my parents had to pay twice the tuition.

To the woman asking the question I say only have a second kid if you really want one. I believe you'll love a second one, but there is no reason to make yourself unhappy to do it.

[Moxie]

Brooklynmama, are you meaning the comments here today are "only child bashing"? I'm not reading them this way at all, just people explaining why the want or don't want more than one child. Bashing? Really?

[Jill in Atlanta]

I hated pregnancy too, and couldn't imagine having a second. Until sometime when he was nearing two and I held a newborn. My ovaries hurt. I knew I'd do it again even if it was as awful the second time. Now, when that one neared two, I held an infant and... nothing. I loved the smell and the feel of holding it but also knew I didn't want another.

You know when you know.

[Andromeda]

I'm with Anonymous. I'm an only child, and I *liked* being an only child (and required more or less my parents' undivided attention to survive seventh grade); my husband has a sibling, but they've never been close. So I just don't see the up sides of siblings, whereas the down sides are easy to spot. (I accept that other people do see lots of up sides :) ...they just don't have any emotional resonance for me.) I, too, have a toddler more fabulous and easygoing than anyone could really have deserved; I, too, need my me time and just cannot imagine having another for that reason. I'm not saying I could *never* imagine having another...but not for a long time, not until after I've finished this round of career-changing and reestablished myself and our finances...and, really, one would be fine. I had an enormous burning need to have "more than zero"; I never had any drive beyond that.

So: right on, Anonymous. There's no shame or problem in only wanting one. What you and your husband end up deciding, that's a longer conversation (albeit one there's no point in having at 24 weeks!), but guilt over not automatically wanting the stereotypical family shouldn't play into the decision.

[Simone]

Sorry...no time to read all the comments today, but this really resonated with me so I wanted to take the time to chime in.

I always wanted ONE child. Really wanted that one, and LOVED being pregnant, so I'm a little different there, but I think I was so thrilled with the process because I thought it was my only shot at it. Like you, we had all the societal pressures (you can't have an ONLY...like it was some sort of punishment or something!). After #1 was born, I was sure we were done and we launched headlong into this love affair with him.

Then as he got older, something started ticking away at us. For us, it wasn't so much about us, but rather about the "family unit." We saw ourselves filling all four seats on a roller coaster, rather than one person always being alone in the row behind. I pictured our son, who is EXTREMELY empathetic and nurturing, having a younger sibling on whom to expend all that love and attention. Like Moxie, we saw a great opportunity to foster a close relationship between the two. (And despite the 3.5year ago gap, they are actually quite close--it's amazing to watch.) It really was a shift for us. And if we're talking full disclosure, I will admit that on those trying days (since #2 is much more spirited than #1 was), I have caught myself having those horrible thoughts like "why did I decide to have a second?" But we did, and I love him, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

But I agree with Moxie, the reasons many have a second vary. And sadly, I think many have a second without really wanting one, for a variety of reasons. The key is, to try to eliminate societal pressures as one of your considering factors. I know it's hard, but try to scratch the "because it feels like we should" off your list.

I would also advise that both of you need to be on board with the decision. There were days that one of us wanted to have a second, and the other didn't. For months, we'd say, "where are you at?" And for months, neither of us were ever on the same page--we both kept waffling. But then finally, a long time later, we both did, and it felt right.

The funny thing is, I know people who always wanted more than one, but their big question was a matter of when instead of if. They would, for months or even years, say "I can't imagine having another." Then all of a sudde, their world balances enough so that the second one seems right. My point here is that if you decide no, it could just mean not now, not yet, or no forever. But you're not committed. So for those nosey people, a "we'll see" should be as honest and informative as they would need.

[r+k+mama]

Great insights today!! Although after just spending nap time reading the comments, I don't quite understand Brooklynmama's comment about "only bashing"- I think it's been really respectful and well rounded...
Like others my perfect family number has evolved throughout my life. As a very young adult I didn't want anything to do with the buggers, then at 22 I held my 5th niece and holy-mother-of-all-that-was-good did I want one of those. @ Jill in Atlanta "my ovaries hurt"- haha perfect description!! I largely ignored these feelings until my dad passed away and I got married and was pregnant within 6 months. Terrible pregnancy.To my sister who had a similar pregnancy experience and had 2-"you were stupid enough to do this twice?!!" Then out she came and she was perfect. I wanted 10, I don't care how, just give 'em to me, bring it on. Two miscarriages , another very sucky pregnancy, and one beautiful but challenging boy later, we are taking a break from this topic. Deep down I've always really wanted 3, but God Bless my IUD which gives us the protection and time we need to decide if this is the right path for us.
I agree to do what feels right. If one feels right- do one. If you change your mind-so what? No one else makes the rules on this, it's your decision. Maybe my mind works more masculinely but I don't get the selfish/guilt issue over this. I'm not (at all!) saying it's not valid, I just personally don't understand why we can't make peace with our decisions and say "eff off" to the naysayers.

[Sam]

I love this discussion! It's just fascinating to read what goes on in our mamaheads...and how we all arrive at our personal decisions for OUR families.

I would say to Anon, to just be really honest with her husband. And to reassess in a year, or six months. No big overnight decisions.

Husband and I have discussed the matter several times...two or three...he is the youngest of three and I am the oldest of two. He saw how his brother really struggled as the middle child and is reluctant to put anyone through that experience (though it was a fairly messed up family situation that we would be unlikely to recreate, please God). We agreed to see what kind of second child we have, and how we feel at that time. If we feel we could handle one more, then I would be happy - three kids seems like a "big" family to me, and I always enjoy that big family atmosphere.

And what is it with the "when are you going to have another one?" Good Jesus, I just birthed the one I have! It seems like we are surrounded by people who had stairstep kids and I just KNOW that is not for me. We both enjoy our son (he's getting to be so much fun) but I don't want another kid yet, clear and simple. I remember coming home from the hospital and thinking, "I don't want any more, he is ENOUGH." Since then I've mellowed, but I just don't get the mindset of people who want to get it over with, this baby/toddler stage. I do understand it, but for me? I want to soak it up. I want to enjoy HIM. I want to make sure that he's secure and adjusted as his own little dude, and then we'll worry about having another. And so that's what we're doing. There are other reasons, too, and we have the luxury of waiting because we're fairly young. It's just good to know your own mind and not be pressured into more because of whoever's expectations.

[anon]

I think it's pretty selfish to know you don't want (more) children and then have them due to societal pressures. Not really a good reason to bring a child into the world. I feel sad when people say they feel selfish for NOT wanting kids - man we are a warped society. Sounds pretty smart to know your own limitations.

However, I do bristle when folks say they HAVE to work fulltime. For some, yes, it is a necessity. But I think for most people in my circle and likely on this board, it is in fact a choice to maintain a certain lifestyle, live in a certain city, etc. I am not a SAHM, and I often wish I were, but I do know that I am making the choice to WOH.

[sheSaid]

I am an only child. All my life I wanted a sibling. I saw others as children with that relationship, and now as adults. I feel like I am missing out. Missing out on that important relationship.
However, the relationship I have with my parents is very different than the ones my friends have. I wonder greatly if having a second child will effect the relationship my child and I will have.

Is it possible to have the best of both? If not, which is better?

These are questions I have not answered for myself yet, but am pondering

[hush]

Was re-reading these excellent comments (how did my double posting occur an hour apart - sorry, must be my evil computer). I did not mean to sound so frickin' judgy. It's just that the whole ridiculous "society expects everyone to have 2.5 kids" deal seems so entrenched, to the detriment of kids' well-being. In a perfect world, every child born would be wished for & cherished. Just want to encourage folks to live an "examined life" & be at peace with their decisions.

My bias against having too many kids/too close in age comes from seeing these stressed out moms of means with kids in therapy, too, dealing with insecure attachments & anxieties because they're not getting the parental love & attention they need.

[JB]

Just realized I never made my point. We didn't have a second kid because we wanted a certain number, or wanted a girl/boy, or wanted our kid to have a sibling, or wanted to replicate or avoid our own families, or saw our family being a certain way. We just wanted more more MORE of what we had with our daughter. So just add that to the data points. To be totally simplistic, if you are satisfied with the piece of cake you took, why take another? If you don't want more of what you've got, why give yourself more?

[Brooke]

I wanted a second because I wanted to be pregnant (which I am 31.5 weeks) and nurse. That's pretty much why.

I'm an only child, and I like it fine that way. Although it has always driven me crazy when people assume that only children are selfish/spoiled/lonely. Especially because it seems so often that these other adults you are saying those things to may not have siblings.

We'll see how it all plays out. My partner would love to have more, but I'm still a little afraid of having two. Seriously, how can I possibly love this kid as much as I do my daughter?

[CTalley]

I'm the middle child in my family and am not close with either of my siblings. My husband is an only child, but often felt lonely growing up...so we haven't yet decided if we're having more or not. Our baby girl is only 11 months, so I guess we'll see...

Hell, when I was in college I didn't even want kids, but that sure changed! So, who knows...

It does suck having to explain yourself to other people, but it's not them who's raising your kiddo.

[Shelley]

I think anyone who doesn't have some degree ambivalence about becoming a parent (first or second or third or however many times over) isn't being realistic.

That said, I'm probably looking at only one myself -- she's a delightful almost-5-y-o, and at almost 40, after 3 miscarriages (two at 12 weeks), I just can't see trying again. I'm more at peace with this than I was 6 months ago, but truthfully I always a good bit of ambivalence about adding another child to our family.

Moxie, thanks for saying this: "ome people do it because they think "no one ever regrets having another child," which I think is patently false." That brought tears to my eyes, as it's one of the things I hear in my head on the (thankfully rarer) nights when this whole issue keeps me awake.

There are a lot of good arguments in favor of having a sibling, and obviously I tried to give my daughter one. But ultimately, as many posters are saying, all kinds of family configurations have their advantages. Sibling relationships can be a roll of the dice too -- not everybody has a good relationship with their sib growing up, or as adults.

To the original poster, I hope there is some peace for you in knowing that you do not have to make this decision now. Although you know which way you're leaning, you have options later. Ask your husband to give you some space on this issue for now. And like most things, if you give it enough time, you'll have a better idea of what you really want. And take comfort in the fact that the majority of us do real well with whatever we're given -- Hedra's doing fine with more than she thought she wanted, and I'm doing fine with one fewer than I thought I wanted.

[gerti]

I'm currently pregnant with #2. We didn't even wait that long--my kids will be 25 months apart, which is kinda crazy. How/why I got myself in this predicament:

1) My "picture" of family life in the future always included multiple kids (2 or 3). I'm not really sure why. I was an only child, and I enjoyed my childhood and have a great relationship with my parents. But when I thought of my future, I just say multiple kids.

2) Wanted to take a chance at having a boy.

3) We decided to just "see what happens." Yeah, not using birth control = trying, I know. But the first one took four years, so we figured that whatever happened with #2 would be fate.

4) My daughter was a very easy baby, and I had a very easy (fun!) pregnancy.

Interesting note: although I never previously questioned my intentions of having more than one child, I am very anxious during this pregnancy. I think I feel that I don't have the experience to parent siblings. This is a new feeling for me, because I have wanted to be a mom since I was five. My husband, who was scared/worried/unexcited during the first pregnancy is super excited during this one. He now knows that he likes being a dad, and since he has a great relationship with his brother he is looking forward to our kids building the same sort of relationship.

I don't regret this pregnancy at all, but I totally understand why someone would feel like 1 is the correct number for their family. That's the way my parents felt, and it worked out great (seriously, I had the best childhood.) Do what feels right, and don't worry about the other people.

[hedra]

@Shelley, I think I remember some of your processing the 'I don't think I can do that again' one one of these topics a while back, and I'm so glad that you're finding your measure of peace in where you are.

@gerti, at least you won't be carrying negative patterns, and can just think through the problems as they arise (if they do, to the degree they do, whenever they do). Sometimes it is a huge advantage to NOT have a default answer to draw from!

[Jill]

I think there's a reason you see a lot of second kids born when the first is 3 years old. It takes most people a long time to be able to do it again. At 6 months, I said "NO WAY will I do this again"... at 12 months I was trying to figure out how to be OK about my son being an only, and feeling like I *should* have another and didn't want to have another. Now at 19 months, I'm thinking "hmm... maybe we could start trying again around Christmas".... I'm still not 100% sold. But mostly I think it's good for kids to have siblings. ANd I know it will SUCK big time for at least the first year. And I just hope that it is worth it after that for them to have playmates and to grow up with a buddy. I just think about Christmas anticipation of Santa and waiting at the top of the stairs with my sister and brother before being allowed to go down and see presents... it would not have been the same without other kids.

But I do love our family exactly how it is right now and I'm scared to mess it up. ugh, I just don't know what we should do. Does anyone every know 100% that it will be OK??? either way? I doubt it. So you just do what feels closest to right.

[zoe]

Although I don't have any children yet and I'm sure I'll change my mind multiple times in the future... this is a question I've been wondering about a lot.

I come from a large family; I'm one of five plus a half-brother. Both my parents are one of 8, all of which have 2-5 children, and grand- and great-grandchildren by this point are numbering over 100. Therefore... growing up, I always wanted a large family. I've also always wanted twins (both my parents are twins, and it runs in the family...) But now my partner doesn't really want children, or one tops (which might be the tipping point for us not making it... but that's a separate issue). And it made me really start thinking. On the one hand, only having one child just sounds so... easy, and weird. I have NO experience with only-children, except for one of my friends who told me that that is the worst thing you can do to a child; she was incredibly bored as a child. Although that could have something to do with the face that she was raised by her mom living with her grandparents, so lacking a father and siblings.

But thinking back, I saw how incredibly overworked my mom was (my parents are now divorced, and before my dad had a job that took him away months at a time) and how stretched for money life was, and I'm just not sure that's the life I want for myself. I get stressed really easily and know that I want a life that keeps the stresslevel down (pretty incompatible with childbearing, I know!) But on the other hand, I cannot imagine life without my youngest brother, or my sisters, for that matter. They are complete individuals, and although life hasn't always been perfect, they're still living breathing thinking feeling human beings, that deserve a life. And children (and people in general) are different! Only having one child only gives you one person, and you're missing out on all those other individuals that could exist. But that is of course an argument for multiple children per family and other things...

anyway. I don't know what the answer is. But I support going with your gut. Wherever that may lead you :)

[Jen]

I can empathize with the poster who mentioned only child bashing . . . . not bashing necessarily. But, there appears to be the implication in some of the posts -intentional or not- that the ONLY people who can be there for you, support you, have a close relationship, etc. etc. are family and esp siblings. I just absolutely do not believe this to be true. And it is positively not true in my own life.

While I'm sure my family situation growing up and onward TOTALLY influence my view (I have no relationship w/ my sib) I have to say that the expectations some have of what sibling relationships they want for their kids may not match what actually occurs. And it is a nightmare to have a sib where things are . . . . well, let's just say not good. I can also say that overwhelmingly (albeit anecdotally), very few of my friends have the type of relationships with their siblings that are envisioned and hoped for by many who have posted here. OF COURSE it exists. But, so does the opposite.

All I'm saying is that I guess I can't see banking on a sibs as BFF's relationship as a significantly motivating reason to have another child. But, that is only me.

[E]

I'm the oldest in a big family, and I am indescribably close to my siblings. They are my closest friends and best companions.

However. I have one child and I would not consider having a second. This may sound odd, but I am very superstitious about two-child-families. I have this thing about odd numbers in families. I would *maybe* someday consider have three children total, but never two. Why? Maybe I've just encountered way too many unhappy families with two children -- there's something about the symmetry that so often seems to sour marriages, too. I always think of that opening scene from The Squid and the Whale -- when they're playing tennis, and two nasty teams develop? That's why I don't want two children.

[maude]

i'm 50 something, my only son is 20 something. if i told you all the nightmares i've had over the possiblity of losing him...
life is a crucible perceived to be overflowing with choices, but it's the cornucopia of consequences that paralyze us...intelligent guesses at ultimately unknowable outcomes, and accidents and plans plus tragedies of the unplanned...nothing, nothing, nothing is for certain. i watched a mentally ill woman wander the streets of my town, all three sons killed in the car she was driving...not her fault, but she's lost forever in her self-created purgatory...quietly left behind by her husband, who managed to keep his mind in the here and present. a friend lost one half of her 2 child family; my sister lost her son(eldest of 4) in a horrific car accident. my aunt and uncle were killed instantly in a head-on collision...i have so many siblings that i won't even write down the number(my mother just "wanted" children, and somehow thought that it would just work out...it didn't)...have one, have two, have more but always know that sometimes just jumping in when you're terrified, is the best choice if the doubt is about the future. if there are serious reservations at having a second because of the doubts you have about your husband, be truthful about what you want out of life. you will never be able to duplicate what you perceive to be a perfect sibling number or relationship...yours or others'. i always thought i would have at least one more, but we had no medical insurance, and i ended up working so many hours that i didn't have time to shave my legs, let alone diaper another baby. my relationship with my husband did not start out well...i asked for a divorce, he proposed another baby. more children would not have made it any better, and who knows what sort of rivalry may have been set up as a reaction to the problems of the parents. we're still married...life goes on unplanned.

[maude]

i'm 50 something, my only son is 20 something. if i told you all the nightmares i've had over the possiblity of losing him...
life is a crucible perceived to be overflowing with choices, but it's the cornucopia of consequences that paralyze us...intelligent guesses at ultimately unknowable outcomes, and accidents and plans plus tragedies of the unplanned...nothing, nothing, nothing is for certain. i watched a mentally ill woman wander the streets of my town, all three sons killed in the car she was driving...not her fault, but she's lost forever in her self-created purgatory...quietly left behind by her husband, who managed to keep his mind in the here and present. a friend lost one half of her 2 child family; my sister lost her son(eldest of 4) in a horrific car accident. my aunt and uncle were killed instantly in a head-on collision...i have so many siblings that i won't even write down the number(my mother just "wanted" children, and somehow thought that it would just work out...it didn't)...have one, have two, have more but always know that sometimes just jumping in when you're terrified, is the best choice if the doubt is about the future. if there are serious reservations at having a second because of the doubts you have about your husband, be truthful about what you want out of life. you will never be able to duplicate what you perceive to be a perfect sibling number or relationship...yours or others'. i always thought i would have at least one more, but we had no medical insurance, and i ended up working so many hours that i didn't have time to shave my legs, let alone diaper another baby. my relationship with my husband did not start out well...i asked for a divorce, he proposed another baby. more children would not have made it any better, and who knows what sort of rivalry may have been set up as a reaction to the problems of the parents. we're still married...life goes on unplanned.

[Julie]

@anon, I guess I say I "need" to work because I carry the health benefits for our family. Without my job, we'd be paying $2000+ per month out of pocket for health insurance - no matter where in the country we lived. Also, we "need" to live in this town (which is much more expensive than, say, Des Moines) because this is where our support system is based. More specifically, MY support system is here. And since our marriage is not the smoothest of seas, I "need" to be here because if things go south and I end up alone, I "need" this job to support myself and my children, and I "need" to have my family around me to help. Yes, we could choose to live in a cheaper state in a cheaper city, but then I'd be alone raising two kids with no support system in place. So yes, I'd say I "need" my job.

[SS]

Like others have said, First and foremost, its YOUR (and hubby of course) Decision. And not one you have to make today.

DH and I got years of "when are you having kids?" Like it's anyone's business.

After 20 years of marriage we decided if we were going to have kids, we better get to it. I never yearned for children, just thought it would be nice some day. Had an easy pregnancy. Have a perfect little girl. But when you have your first at 40, you kind of run out of time.

If I were younger, would I have another? Maaayyybeee. Maybe not. Hubby would like another, but is happy with one. I have a brother who is a waste of space. Hubby has 2 sibs. Good relationship with one, tolerates the other. So sibs with good relationships isnt guaranteed.

So she will be an only. We have money in the bank. I can stay at home with her. (Wouldnt have been possible in my 20's) I do make it a point for her to have friends. She's only 3, but she takes ballet, goes to the library programs, sunday school, plays with the neighbors, etc.

We all can make any family size work, if that is the right size for us. And if we make it work. Like anything worthwhile, it takes work. Fostering relationships with sibs, or with friends. Juggling money and time or not.

I think all of us here on Moxie will do our very best to give our kids the best childhoods possible. Will they all be different? Yep. Is that OK? Yep.

[Mandi]

My 3 yo dd (an only child) and I went to lunch with my coworker and her 3yo dd and 3 boys. DD asked me "Why does Miss Stacy have all those boys?" I had to laugh and admit "I don't know!"

[Charisse]

I'm one who expected to want 2 or 3--that's my default idea of a family--but found that the darling one I got has, well, fulfilled my desire for children. I couldn't love her more--it's more than I ever imagined--and I don't want another. She's 4, we're a happy little urban family. I suppose we could change our minds, and I sometimes worry about being a burden to her or about (heaven forbid) being in the situation of losing your only teenager, but I don't think those are good reasons to have another baby, for us.

We do spend lots of time with friends, try to vacation with other kids, etc. But yeah, I think you just have to listen to your heart.

[bri]

I HATE the ridiculous notion that there is something wrong with one child. I always wanted a child, but just one. I was an only child at one of my parents' houses but had much younger half siblings at the other. I love my sister (she lives in the rental apt of my house!) but I loved being my mother's only child just as much. And the idea that your kids needs help when you are old or dying - my mother died and I dealt and it would have wrecked me whether I had siblings or not.

Listen to your gut on this. Only children ROCK. The stereotypes are silly and can be true of any child if raised poorly (selfish, self-centered, lonely, etc). Also, as an educator, I can say that some of the only children I teach are the smartest and most confident kids I know (and I see 150 kids a year).

Finally, I will also admit to being baffled by people's need for more than one. All of our friends are popping out number two and I just seriously can't understand the desire. I accept that their desire and need is real, but I secretly think it's crazy.

[michelle]

Most of my life i thought i'd only want one since i'm not a kid person (and i liked being an only child). That changed after my dad died before i met my DH; i wished i had a sibling to share things with.

i love being a mom and it took me until DS was almost a year to be ready to try for the next one. DS is 3. Also, DH wanted our kids to be a year apart like his 4 siblings. But i thought that was totally crazyness to purposely get pregaunt that quickly.

[pixie]

I do hope that person really truley doesn't feel bad "for not having a second child". If she doesn't want one she should not have one.

If my husband told me he REALLY didn't want a second one I would be disappointed but I would just go ahead with that. I choose to mary him, I knew when I married him we wanted to have children but we always said we would take it one at a time. I want another one and so does he so that's nice that we feel the same way. I have been a SAHM for a year. I'm going to go back to work with DD in daycare until I have #2. I think having a sibling is really important and good for children. My sister and I never got along once we hit puberty. I was the young little nerd. Even knowing we had a long period of not getting a long I couldn't imagine life without my sister. She is a wonderful source of advice that I trust more then any other person in the world.

I also just simply, want another baby. Hell seriously I think I would like to have 5 if the actual physical process wasn't so hard.

I really would like 2, and I hope we will be lucky enough to have another healthy child.