PQotW: Why do parents want to have a second child?

Anonymous writes:

"I have a question that I’ve never really heard discussed anywhere. Why does anyone want to have a second child? Full disclosure—I’ve never been one of those women who desperately want to have kids. Until I married my husband, I would have been fine not having any, and even then I would have been fine adopting. My husband was adopted so he really wanted to have a biological child, and we decided to go for it. I told him then that we’d have one and see how it went. I had a fairly easy pregnancy as pregnancies go, but hated pretty much 95% of those 10 months. I had a home birth, which I’m quite glad about, though it was a long labor. Our son, who is now 24 weeks old, is perfectly healthy, the happiest little boy I’ve ever seen, and really rather easy. I was thrown for a loop over how much time and energy and self-sacrifice was and is required, but not to the point of PPD, and I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile because I was a bit worried about that. I returned to work at 3 ½ months and am now working full time. I love my son more than anything in the world, but my husband is already talking about Child #2, and I absolutely cannot imagine going through this again, much less going through it again while having Child #1. I was ready for him to get a vasectomy the day after I gave birth. �I didn’t like being pregnant, I never want to be this sleep-deprived again, I’ve always needed me-time and am having a hard enough time getting that now. I realized the other day that I might feel a bit differently if I didn’t have to work fulltime, but there’s no option about that. I’m also amazed at the number of people who automatically assume we’re going to have at least one more child. Part of me thinks that I’m being smart at realizing my limitations. But part of me, of course, feels guilty and selfish. So I guess I’m just wondering, is there anyone else out there that feels this way?"

Good question.

I wanted to have a second child because my relationship with my own brother is so important to me that I really wanted that for my son. I knew intellectually I always wanted at least two kids for that sibling relationship, but when my first one was 6 months old I would not have been able to contemplate having another one at all.

Tis is a gut feeling thing, and sometimes it changes (often I think people feel ready for another child when the first one can run away from them) but some people really only ever want one. I think some people get won over by the argument that two kids entertain each other (after a certain point) so parents end up with less work overall by having two. (This argument may or may not be true.) Some people just feel social pressure to have two (or three) so they do it not because they really want to but because they know they can make it through, so why not? Some people do it because they think "no one ever regrets having another child," which I think is patently false. (I think you don't regret the person, but I've definitely known some people who realized that they'd had one child more than they could really deal with well.)

What are some other reasons people want to have another child? Are they different from the reasons people want to have one child? What about the reasons for having three, four, five, or more kids? Do you think most people think long and hard about it, or just do it before they talk themselves out of it?

Comments

[amy]

What a question for today. I'm in the middle of feeling some real second thoughts about having a second child, but I'm too far gone (32.5 weeks gone, to be exact) to change my mind.

Why I wanted a second one, even though my husband only ever wanted one? I wanted my daughter (now 4yo) to have a sibling when she was grown. I have never entertained the idea that two little ones would be easy or that they would get along, but once a young adult, I wanted any child of mine to have the option of having a sibling relationship.

This comes, I think, from several places, but here is the main one. I had an older brother who was killed in an accident when I was a teenager, so I've been both a sibling and an only child. I prefer the sibling life. And frankly, we fought like cats and dogs until about a year before he died, so it's not like I'm painting it all rosy in my memory. I'm not.

I don't believe that just because two kids are related, they'll get along. My husband and his brother never have, until recently. My mother and her siblings have wildly unpredictable love-hate periods in their lives. But, I wanted my kids to have the choice I don't have. So you can imagine that a year and a half ago, when my husband said "I think I'm softening to having another", I was all over that.

Still, I'm having the standard dread and regrets. I am afraid of what having this baby will do to my perfectly wonderful little family of three. I'm worried I won't love this baby as much as I love my daughter. I don't want to lose the relationship I have with my daughter, and I am NOT looking forward to the first year of sleeplessness and sundry difficulties, especially because I don't want those things to take me away from her. But that is part of the price I will pay to give her the chance to have what I don't.

I think there is also a fundamental difference of opinion at the core of this question, too. Some people are just "one kid" types and some are "two or more" types. "Siblings" just makes sense to me, whereas "only child" just makes sense to my husband. And this is an area where there is no compromise - only sacrifice - so the choice to proceed should be undertaken carefully and respectfully.

(And let me add: I hate 90% of being pregnant, so if there's anyone else out there who feels this way - you are not alone. Srsly.)

[zenjen]

When my son was 6 months old, I seriously considered having my tubes tied because I could not fathom the idea of having another one and going through "all that" again (exhaustion, painful nursing, etc).

Now that he's almost 20 months old, I am glad that I have the option to have another child. Although I am still not quite ready yet, I can definitely see the possibilities and feel like I can do it again now that I have some more perspective (and am past that 16-19 month period which was soooo hard in our house).

I'm an only child and always wanted to have a sibling but certainly made due and thrived with close friendships and relationships with first cousins. My DH is one of four-he has 3 sisters- and I know how much those relationships mean to him. He speaks with one of his sisters at least once a week if not more, and they have all been close to each other since college.

Right now, I am fairly certain we'll have another one and perhaps (but not likely) more than that. Right now, I think it's just about taking one at a time and seeing how we all cope.

[peaceinyourcrib]

i love your candidness.
thank-you.
i think you are 'being smart to know your limitations'; pay attention to that...
and remember- things may change, or not...

[Kate]

I absolutely didn't want my daughter to be an only child. My family is complicated--I am the only product of my mother and father, and there have been many times that I've missed having someone to share that experience with me. While at various points I've been close to various subsets of my siblings (2 stepsiblings, and one half sib on either side), there are large age gaps and the weirdness of not growing up with my own sib, because of custody stuff or just age (I am 12 years older than my brother with whom I "lived," i.e. went to college 2500 miles away when he was starting 1st grade).

Anyway. In college I was conviced I'd screw up any child and wanted none. Then I met a great guy and wanted four. Once we had one I wanted another. Not quite as close as I got (22 mos), but man planning, Gd laughing, etc. I love watching them together. Drives me nuts when they fight, but overall I am so happy they have each other.

I am part of a religious community where people often have as many as they can afford. Two is kind of the minimum, and the ideal is having at least one of each gender. (Of course, as my 4 year old would tell you, "You get what you get and you don't get upset.") Many of my friends who have kids around my kids' age are pregnant with a 3rd or would be if they could afford it/had a bigger living space.

And I...wrestle with the idea of more kids almost every day. Neither my husband nor I are ready now, mentally, financially, or physically, but ever? My husband would say yes, absolutely, have more. I just don't know. On the one hand, I had easy pregnancies and didn't mind them. Looking back, infancy is physically taxing but not as patience trying as toddlerhood and beyond. At this point, inserting another personality into established relationships? Good? Bad? I don't know.

Also, I feel that I have been so blessed and lucky to have kids who are healthy and whose challenges have been easily taken care of...what if that didn't happen again? How could I spread myself among everyone who needs me? (Not to put myself at the center of the universe, but I am still in the stage of provoking tears if I have the gall to go to the gym, take a shower by myself, close the door when I pee, etc.)

And to be selfish, I wonder about what will become of ME. I am clawing my way back to being a person who works for money (albeit very part time), a person who runs, a person who has intelligent things to say. To plunge myself back into all things baby all the time because that is all I have the brainspace for is daunting.

So. I just don't know. For now, tiny babies are SO CUTE! But they are not my responsibility 24/7 and for that I am grateful.

[moo]

I was recently struggling with this too. I also agree that in the first six months (OR MORE) I couldn't even contemplate another one ... it terrified me to get pregnant again. But once my son approached two, I thought I might be ready.

Although I'm barely pregnant (8 weeks) I still waffle back and forth over the the "rightness" of this pregnancy. I adore my son SO MUCH that I, who always wanted many many children, could've been convinced to stop with just one. We could give him so much!

But I also felt strongly that he should have a sibling. And so we tried and got pregnant.

With my son, I was desperate to get pregnant ... I had baby fever and NEEDED a child in my life. With this baby, I don't feel that way at all. Is that wrong? Some days it feels wrong.

But you are not alone, anon. There are PLENTY of people who are "one and done."

[Marcy]

I come from a big family and have always loved the idea of a big family. I have a;ways known that I had to have at least 2 if not 3 kids, for the reasons you mention-- the need to provide my children with siblings. I see it as such an important bond, and so glad I have that, and I want to pass that on. My husband feels the same way.

I have always loved kids, have worked with them for years, always gotten along well with them. Which is part of why I was so surprised at how incredibly hard it felt when our son was born. I've known of women who loved it instantly and couldn't wait to get their doctor's ok to start trying again. My son is 6 months and the thought of having a 2nd almost gives me panic attacks.

There's part of me that feels like at this point I'd be just fine with just one kid. But I know as he gets older I'll feel that need for another, and hubby has made me promise to give him at least one more kid.

I've had several parents of 2 who laugh and say "I look back now and see that babies are so EASY!!" At times that makes me feel incredibly depressed, knowing how hard it felt and my god does it really get that much harder?!? But it also gives me hope in that it seems that these first grueling months may feel a bit easier the second time around, since all that anxiety and my-god-will-I-ever-do-anything-just-for-me-ever-again??? feeling won't be there (at least not as much).

[Jojo]

I grew up in a very close family. My parents had 3 under 3, so the three of us kids really did entertain each other. I loved growing up with them, and always said that if I had children at all, I'd have at least 2. Then, after having one, I realzied I don't want another one. It's the same things. I really did hate being pregnant. I hated not sleeping for several years, I still struggle with the lose of me time.

I love my son, and he's worth all of it. But I'm not planning on doing it again. I've hit my limit. Many people will tell you taht once the baby starts to walk, you'll change your mind. That didn't happen to me. He's 2 years old now, and I'm enjoying things. I have no desire to go back and do it all over again.

I've had many people ask me when we are having another. When I say we aren't people often become offended and start giving me reasons why I MUST have another child. I finally started responding by saying to them what I had only been thinking. Unless you plan on getting up with the child in the middle of the night, and paying it's college tuition, you don't have any say in the matter.

[flea]

I spent the first 10 months or so of parenting thinking "sane people do this twice? Nuh. Uh." But I am one of three siblings and really wanted my daughter to have a sibling. And also, completely irrationally, I had this idea that if we had two, if one of the children was killed, I would still have one. (Irrational, because I know that if I actually lost one of my children nothing could fill that hole, and it would be unhealthy to try and make the remaining child do so.) Once Casper was a toddler, it was easier to think of doing it again, though I dreaded the infant phase. And then Dillo was a much easier infant (and also I did a lot less flailing.)

I always sort of wanted three, mainly because I am one of three kids and it seems like there are more interesting connections possible in a slightly larger family, but with my 36th birthday next month and Dillo now 2, I am probably not going to have another. When he was first born I wanted another right away, but as things have gone on I have drifted away from that. One of my coworkers brought in her 3 month old yesterday and looking at him made me go "gosh I'm glad he's not mine" instead of "gee I'd like another." So, I may be done. But I feel a little bad about it - I'd like to think I could handle a third, and mr. flea wants another, but I just feel done now.

[z]

Like Kate, I too am the product of my parents and though I am blessed with many siblings from their second marriages, I longed for someone to be able to talk with about my parents. I have siblings on each side but it's not the same because no one is ever part of the picture that I am part of. So it's like I say to my husband our kids need to have someone to share their grumbles with about us.

Plus, we come from a background where a lot of burden falls on children when parents get old and that is life. My husband and I fully expect to bear responsibility in some form for our parents as they get older and while we are trying our best to never be financially dependent on our kids I will expect them to "take care" of us in our old age and for that it is always better to have at least 2. Not to mention I think about the future when we are dead and I think it's important to have some kind of close family throughout as much of your life.

I think my want for 2 children comes from what I feel like I have missed out on.

[Marcy]

PS- I think this idea of being "selfish" for realizing that you don't want to have a(nother) child is dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. If you recognize that you don't want another child (or any to begin with) then listen to that. Don't force yourself to have another just because you're "supposed to" because that child will be a living, breathing, caring thing that will be able to sense whether or not it is loved and wanted, and there are far far too many children who exist yet were unwanted, and they bear lifelong scars because of this.

This is a bit of a random tangent and it's only partially meant for Anonymous, but I feel like this myth of people being "selfish" for realizing their limitations needs to be done away with.

[jessica star]

My husband and I only want one child. We have him, he's beautiful, and that's it. We both have siblings, but that hasn't affected our decision. It just feels right for us and we're going to honor that.

I'm one of several women I know who feel this way. We've all decided to support one another in this decision and not let society dictate what is right for us.

And I definitely feel the societal pressure. People have said all kinds of weird and rude things to me, trying to understand why I would deprive my child of a sibling. But I just don't see it that way. I know several "only child" kids and they think it was a great way to grow up.

I agree that you should be proud of knowing what you want and don't let the guilt get you. Thanks for asking a great question! And thanks, Moxie, for posting it.

[michaela]

I'm also in the one-and-done camp. My daughter is a bit over 2 -- what's that, something like 27 months? -- and I adore her. But I have no desire to be pregnant again, to deal with an infant, to figure out the household logistics -- let alone pay for 2 in daycare or, god forbid, go off my beloved Z0l0ft for pregnancy and nursing.

Do I feel conflicted about this? A tiny bit... but not really. And that's how I know it's right for us. My husband would be willing to have more, but doesn't feel strongly about it. We've grilled a bunch of our only-child friends in recent years - we both have siblings; I have a sister and he has 2 brothers - and have realized that as parents there is only so much you can give your kids. If she wanted to play violin, we'd find her a violin teacher. If she wants kids to play with, we'll find 'em for her. Of course, it helps that we live in a very kid-friendly, walkable neighborhood. And that my sister and her husband live nearby and are thinking about having kids soon-ish... my hope is that a close cousin will be almost as good as a sibling.

Anon, I also felt the same way you did about having kids in the first place -- I was never one of those people who KNEW it was what I wanted. It was a lengthy, overly intellectualized decision we made as kind of a leap of faith. And I don't regret it. But I think going into parenthood with that approach makes it a lot easier to rationalize having just one, if that makes any sense.

[Shandra]

I'll add my thoughts even if I'm not sure they'll be that much help. I've had two children, but only one survived. We conceived her after years of infertility anyway. I've given up the Plan, although obviously one can try, or not.

During the second pregnancy my husband and I had few talks about what we would like our family to look like, since we had already been devastated once, but we did agree that we would want to try for a third/second. We had both experienced the comfort of sibling love during our time of grief, as well as each other and had a new appreciation for family at that time.

Also, and this is pretty horrible to say and if I have another child I hope this never turns up on Google (but if it does we love you so honey!), one of the couples we became closest to in the bereaved parent group thing had lost their only child at 17. And for them they had two sets of grief: they had lost their irreplaceable son. But they had also lost their entire 17 yr definition as parents in a way. That entire generation was missing at their nuclear table. So I admit that fear was influencing us both at the time: we felt like we could only step into parenthood again if we had an increased chance of making it through life that way. So we agreed on heir and spare.

(Of course a very close in-law of ours was one of six children, five of whom died in a car accident along with her mother, so no guarantees.)

But after the delivery of my son I started to feel like we had completed our family. It was a strange feeling because my daughter was still missing, so it was like we were years down the road and had lost her and… well I can't really explain it. Maybe some of that fear response wore off that we HAD to have two.

But then about 18 months after he was born I started to feel again like there might be room at the table.

I guess I sort of feel like two was a good number, but I'm unsure how we're counting at this point. Can you tell this is not simple stuff?

I really don't especially want to be pregnant again, deliver again, or even particularly deal with a newborn again. But I'd still like to have one. Not sure it is going to happen fertility-wise.

I see nothing wrong with any configuration of family.

[Annie]

I think a sibling is the biggest gift that you can give a child. I also think that while it may be tough when they are both little, I think it becomes easier later when they are able to play together and entertain each other.

[dot]

Well, my little one has enough gifts already with all the grandparents around!

Seriously, our boy is 3 and our family is complete. And I don't feel guilty about it one bit. Well, I do sometimes feel conflicted in that I think it would be cool for him to have siblings later in life, but I love our family the way it is.

[Kate]

@ Marcy: I am one of those people who did find infancy so much easier the second time. I think when you have lived through it already and don't spend all your "free" time questioning every decision and worrying about every little thing because YOU ALREADY DID IT AND IT TURNED OUT OK, everything looks brighter.

[Suki]

Anon, I could have written your exact post, word for word, except for the home birth. Every other word was true for me as well. My son is 19 months and my husband and I still lean towards 'one and done'. I hated being pregnant, I didn't love the first year, I have no desire to be that tired again, I love my independence and want to be able to travel the world in our family of three which would be so much easier (and sooner) than if we became a family of four. Most of the first year my husband and I asked repeatedly, WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS AGAIN??? But, now that DS is 19 months, I can see having another one. Because it gets SO much better, and the first year suddenly feels like it flew by and was 100% worth it. Anyhow, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here, but certainly at 6 months my husband would have run away from home if I'd announced I was pregnant again! FWIW, my father is an only child and the most well-adjusted person I know whereas my mother comes from a family of four and her siblings cause her nothing but heartache. There are no guarantees so do what feels right for you and DH. That's not selfish, it's just making a decision that is informed by your own definition of family vs societal tradition/expectation.

[Cathy]

I had sort of always envisioned having 2 kids. Because I was 1 of 2? But I married a man with a son. (He was 1 of 6. And he wanted to have 2 or 3.)

I had a baby and we were at 2 kids. In basket ball terms, we were at a man-to-man defense. She's a spunky kid and a bunch of things were going on (caring for my MIL who had Alzheimer's disease, etc.) Once she got to be about 2 and old enough to play in the sprinklers, it made me sad that she didn't have a sibling her own age to play with. (She and the step-son are 9 years apart.) But on the other hand, we were not at a good place to have another baby.

Eventually things settled down and the timing was right (MIL in a NH, me established at my job, me not too super-old, etc.) and we had another. I think that if I hadn't been ready to have another, it would have become an issue for me and the husband.

The thing that I thought would be hard (and has been for me) is going from a man-to-man defense to zone. It's hard for me to stay calm when there are three people who need something at once. (Suprisingly, the 14 year old still has that knack to need something at the same time as the other two or when the phone rings.)

All that said, we know some families with an only child, and the child is somewhere in the 10-14 range. It looks so easy, so laid back. It's not a big deal if someone is a picky eater. Everyone gets to do their own thing on the weekends. There's something kind of appealing about that.

[rudyinparis]

Great question and great responses. Anon, it seems to me you’re in the sweet spot of knowing who you are, what you want, and what you can do. And I can tell you recognize that (”Part of me thinks that I’m being smart at realizing my limitations…”). But then there’s the part of you that feels selfish for feeling this way. Yesterday, for random reasons, I was rereading a thread held here last June about being a WOHM and wanting to stay home. And it really made me mull over how whatever our decisions there will be days or periods when we have regrets or are tempted to change our situation that we are usually happy with. As a friend and coworker of mine says, “It’s hard to be married. It’s hard to be single. It’s hard to have kids. It’s hard to not have kids...” And, anon, I guess for you we can extend that to “It’s hard to have one child. It’s hard to have two.” What I’m getting at is, reading your description of your situation it seems to me that your gut, your rock-center, knows you want one. But of course you have doubts… But if you decided to have two, you would still have doubts, and I suspect they would be a heavier load than the ones you carry now.

Of course, there’s also the fact that you don’t have to decide now. You can use the “shelving it” method. Put it away for a couple of years. 24 weeks is still very, very young. It’s good to muse on this, but nothing you decide now is binding.

I also think it’s interesting that a decision like this does seem to be hardwired in our nature, and is not just a result of our upbringing, i.e., the number of sibs we may have had. Jojo is a good example of this. It’s just a personal and often inexplicable decision.

It sounds like your son is a joy. I’m very happy for you!

[amy]

I'd like to echo what others have said here since I commented. Even though I knew in my head I wanted another one, for various reasons, I was not close - not even a little bit - until my daughter was 2.5 or so. And even now, I find myself unsure this is the right choice.

I also think Marcy and Shandra have it right: there is no shame in choosing one family shape over another. Do what's right for you. And if you and your husband disagree right now, take your time and listen to each other as you work it out. For me, I jumped at the chance to have the second because I was nearing 35 and I didn't want the gap between the two kids to be too great.

All the best to you, Anon, as you work this through.

[Num Num]

It seems to me that There are no guarantees is a very wise statement. I'm an only child and so is my son. There were many times in the past when a sibling or siblings would have been very useful. Especially as your parents age and you wish so much that you had others to share the decisions and the care. But, there are no guarantees that they would. Or that your siblings will get along. So I would not make the decision for the future. You should really want more children because that's what you want and that's what you're willing to handle. (As an only child, I've made a great effort to pick up "sisters" and "brothers" along the way. Sometimes, it actually worked.)

[Sherry]

Reading with interest. I dreamed last night that I was pregnant, and I woke up relieved that I wasn't. My one girl is 15 months, and I will be 40 in two weeks. So by the time I'm really wanting another (if I ever really want another), I may be too old (to conceive). I can't bring myself to want to get pregnant again now. My husband doesn't really want another, though he always said he'd want two if we had one (he didn't really want one). I think about it often. I think we will stop with one, though.

[Kelly]

I have three kids, two boys ages 5.5 and 4.25 years old and a girl, 10 months. Like some of the previous commenters i had an overwhelming desire to have one baby. And then my son was born and my husband, who is an only child, and I, who has only one half brother ten years younger, wanted a sibling so that our kids could have what we never had, someone to play with, to be us against them with, to share experiences with. And our two boys are the best of friends, and the girl adores them both.
Shandra, thank you for your honesty. I also felt the same way. And now that I am a mother to a daughter I am petrified that something might happen to her and I will be daughter less especially when she's older. We're not planning on having a fourth naturally, especially because I hated being pregnant the last time, but I would love to adopt. And if we did, it would have to be a girl.

[Shannon]

My son is 17 months. Not a day goes by that I don't wrestle with the question of whether or not to have two. It just always seems to come up. When my son outgrows clothes, do I carefully preserve them in well-labeled boxes so I can take them out for his future sibling? When my pregnant co-worker talks about the company maternity leave policy, I wonder if I will ever again be in a situation where I really need to be informed about those policies.

For me, the real sticking point is depression. I'd have to go off my meds to get pregnant, be pregnant, and nurse. Could I handle that? Would I have PPD again?

Ultimately when I think about denying my son the sibling experience, it guts me inside. But I have to ask myself which is a greater gift, a sibling or a mentally-healthy mother?

[meggiemoo]

I come from 6, as does my DH. I didn't love being pregnant at all, and the first year was terribly difficult. I remember the 6-week check-up when my midwife asked me if I wanted birth control and I would have paid her any amount of money for some!

Now that our son is 2-1/2, we're 7 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. I've had several miscarriages, so no guarantees that this one will take. I'm feeling awful physically, and have privately decided that if this pregnancy doesn't work out, I'm done.

I always wanted sibs for my son, but I also think we work well as a threesome. He's spirited and highly sensitive, so keeps us on our toes. If we don't end up having another, I KNOW I'll hear about it, especially from my in-laws. But I really believe in only having as many kids as you can financially, emotionally and physically handle. I love my adult sibling relationships, but frankly, growing up the youngest of 6 was no picnic. It seemed like there was never enough attention, money, etc., to go around.

[enu]

A gut thing, as you say, Moxie! Whenever I pictured parenthood, I imagine two little girls, close in age, toddling along behind me. That turned out to be the reality, except, of course, it was me chasing the two little girls! And I have to say, although I couldn't have predicted this, that watching the girls play together and hang out together has been about the greatest joy in parenting - seeing their two little (or not so little) heads close together as they scheme up something - watching the older pick out clothes for the younger for a special event - etc.

And what would my world be like without my little one, I cannot imagine. She just makes people happy.

That having been said, I would never advocate having a(nother) baby unless you really want to. It is, as OP said, a huge piece of work to raise a child.

[Cecily T]

Ahhh...thank you for posting this, and anon, thank you for writing. I struggle with this question every day. I have a little ritual: when I get out of the shower, I imagine myself saying "I'm pregnant" and then think if my reaction would be happiness or freaked -out fear. It's a bit balanced now that my first is 13 months rather than 6 months, but lately (what with dropping down to 1 nap, all *four* molars coming in together, and a cold!!) I'm still feeling days where my whole being is just wrapped up in V, and how how how could I possibly take care of an infant?

V was a difficult baby. No one ever said the 'c' word, but she was only consolable with breastfeeding, 12-15 hours a day, for the first 4 months of her life. I didn't have time for myself, much less another little toddler person. I know all babies are different, but given V's (and to be honest, my own) dispositions, I'd need a really easy baby to make it possible, and I know that I can't count on that.

I think most people just do it before they talk themselves out of it, like Moxie suggested. I just am in awe of my cousin and my neighbor, who each have four children. Four? I can't even imagine it.

At the same time, one and done sounds nice, but for all the reasons people have stated above, sibling for V, entertainment for the other, adult relationships, etc, I think I might want another. I am definitely in the 'I think I can survive it' camp, as Moxie said, can you just get through it? What I hate is that I'm just starting to see how things might get easier with V, but if I have another in a year or two, I'll be right back to no life and no time for however many years.

Thanks to Marcy for saying that about your limits and not being selfish. I think the secret struggle is that I *know* I'll live through it, but do I really *want* to?

Also, I don't know what they will be like when they are 4, 5,6, or 16, or 36. Is it worth the agony of going through the infant/toddler crucible for that unknown future person? I suspect yes, but I don't know for sure. It's a gamble. I've got about 1 year to think about it.

[LauraSLP]

I have a 14 month old son, and we are planning to try for a second one in a few months. Part of it is selfish - I personally had a great pregnancy and a smooth labour, and I really can't wait to experience it again. I'm sure I just jinxed myself and I'll have the opposite experience this time!

The other reasons I want to have at least two children is so that my son can have a sibling - my own brother is 2 years younger than me, and we are very close. I do realize you can't make siblings love each other like my brother and I do.

I also want my son to have support later in life when we are old and need help. I work in a hospital and I often see only children being pulled in many directions caring for their elderly parents. Again, I know you can't ensure your children will support each other like this, but if I don't even MAKE the second baby, they'll never have the chance! :)

I was at a wedding not long ago and the groom's brother (his best man) made a speech. He said "Imagine - waking up on a Saturday morning - and your best friend lives in your house! Sleeps in the room next to you! Can you imagine anything better?" And I really can't for my little guy.

I know when the time comes I will also feel worried about how I am going to shake up his life, so I'm going to be reading the comments with interest. Great question.

[noname]

When my child was an infant I was convinced that the only reason people had more than one was that there was some kind of specific amnesia regarding the first year (and pregnancy).

Then when he was about 18 months old, I started thinking maybe trying for another might be okay. Huh??? Never would have believed I could ever think that, especially since I never had baby fever before getting pregnant the first time.

Now my child is 3, and I'm still on the fence about having another. I'm 40, so it would be up to the Fates if we try, but at this point I'm less sure about the state of my marriage so there are bigger things to worry about.

[Mary]

I think the right number of children is the number that feels right to the parents. I don't think you should do it just to "give" your child a sibling, since, as stated earlier, there are no guarantees they will appreciate this "gift." It is too big of a decision and requires too many sacrifices unless the parents wholeheartedly want to do it!

In a similar vein, I think the right number of years between children is the number that feels right to the parents- shouldn't be based on how you think your children will want to be spaced.

We are the adults and we get to make the decisions we think are best for our families.

Anonymous, I support your feeling that one is enough for you. Personally I felt the same way when my son was an infant. I hated every minute of pregnancy and the first year (high-need baby with severe reflux.) I think toddlerhood is way easier than babyhood. It is only now that he is almost 2 and the nightmare of the first year is receding in memory that I think maybe I do want another.

[Diane]

To the OP, just go with your gut (but be sure you're having an open dialog with your husband!) If you don't want to have another child right now, don't. If you don't want to have another child ever, don't. My only suggestion would be not to make any rash decisions in the heat of a 24-week-old infant.

One thing I wanted to point out, just based on my interpretation of your post, so much of you not wanting another child sounds like not wanting to be pregnant again, not wanting to deal with the sleep deprivation a new infant brings to the table. Is your husband completely against adoption? Should you decide you want another child but not another pregnancy/infant, you could always wait a few years (or several) and adopt in an older age-range.

Anyway, that's just my random impression of what you said in your question. I can only sort of tell you what I did in that situation, which was take some time (like, a year, seriously) where I looked at our family and tried to decide if THIS was our whole family. I thought about a lot of things, what I want from my future and for my daughter's future. I hope to be a grandparent one day, but what if my daughter decides she doesn't want kids? I thought about my relationship with my brother, and how I really ought to thank my parents for having him. And I looked around our dinner table and really just felt there was a place that called out for one more.

I'm pretty sure I'll be done at two. I'm 23 weeks with our second, we chose not to find out the gender, but if it's a girl, my husband really wants to try for a son. Thankfully we have kept that open dialog going, and he understands that it may just end up being too much for the two of us.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if any of this will help you. I've been rambling a lot around here lately!

[Nutmeg]

I always thought I'd have two kids. (never more for me, out of a Replacement level fertility philosophy). I didn't have a good sibling relationship (in fact it was responsible for one of the most destructive things that can happen to a person) but that wasn't really stopping me.

And then it took a while to get pregnant. And then I was in excruciating pain for 3 months from hip problems and then I was on bedrest for the last trimester and emergently induced because of pre-eclampsia.

And then my son had a lot of minor medical issues, and partially as a result of them and partially because of his personality he screamed 24 hours a day for 4 months. And then the medical problems have continued to keep him from sleeping through the night for 20 months.

And then he was a boy and the prospect of having a second child that is a girl with an older brother that could possibly abuse her TERRIFIES me.

And then there are the days when I'm not sure I can even handle the one (admittedly difficult and sensitive) child I have...

I can imagine OTHER people wanting more kids. But I Can't imagine ME having more kids.

[Anon]

So as the anonymous writer that asked the question, I just have to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and advice without judgment. It's so helpful to know I'm not alone. Several of your comments about being wise enough to know one's limits really stood out and I'll keep those thoughts close as I continue this journey of being a mother. It makes me wonder, yet again, why we as women have such difficulty being confident in our thoughts and opinions, particularly when they go against what we 'should' do, without the support of other women. I suspect you wouldn't find a similar question posted anywhere by men. But at the same time, it's also immensely reassuring to know that there is a community of women out there for support when we need it. Thanks again.

[Lisa S.]

Niiiiice question.

I always thought I'd have two kids. I did hit that PPD slump, and it was awful but I was treated and out of it early on, but I never reached that point where I wanted to do it again. Our son is now 3 1/2 and I STILL don't want to. I would have loved it if we had twins because I would love him to have a sibling, but I reached the point that I was getting PPD just THINKING about those early baby days again.

I finally figured that between infertility (son was IVF) and PPD, we are lucky to be so blissfully happy with our one healthy child.

[Helen]

Um, I asked if we could put the baby up for adoption when she was two days old. I was so ready for my husband to get a vasectomy immediately. After the fog of the first few months cleared, we agreed that this was a bit final, and we should wait and see, but I was adamant that I would not want another one, period, throughout the first year. Had he not been a bit chicken about it (or prudent, depending on how you look at it), I would have been fine with him shutting the door.

I came to that place from being ambivalent about ever wanting children in the first place, and then having a really traumatic birth experience (planned homebirth, transfer, c-section). She was a super high needs baby, and we powered through some severe nursing difficulties (tongue tie, mangled boobs) and then discovered she had a dairy intolerance, so I was also removing dairy from my diet and generally feeling very put upon that whole year. Not quite PPD, but not myself, and I did receive a tentative PTSD diagnosis.

Having her totally turned my world inside out, and now that she is over two, I am just starting to think that I could do this again. Situationally, this would be an awful time for us. I am picking up the pieces of figuring out who I am, contemplating a career change that would involve some retraining and a large investment of time, and our living space is way too small for 4 (and I am not saying that by spoiled American mcmansion standards, the place is an open loft).

I also work hard to parent the child I have gently and with grace. Toddlers ARE way harder intellectually and emotionally than an infant the second time around might be (except there is the complication that you know what to do with the new infant, but you have to also juggle the toddler's needs). People tell me a second child would no doubt be an "easy" baby, but I could only do this assuming it would be as tough if not worse, or I'd be deluding myself. I also go into this knowing I'll deal with all the BS surrounding trying to get a VBAC, and that tongue tie is hereditary, and we might deal with that again. And the dairy allergy, oh joy.

We came to the conclusion that we'll remain open to the idea for the next few years, but we both have to really want another person here for that person's sake, not for what that person ostensibly provides in relationship currency. Not because the existing child "needs a sibling." My husband and I both have siblings, but I can certainly imagine life without them. If we do not have a second child, I think we'll take even more care to arrange our affairs in a very clear manner for when we are older, as we could anticipate that decisions about our care might fall to our daughter (and her partner, if she has one).

As it is, our kids would have at least a 4+ year spacing. So the times when I take her to the park and think "I wish she had someone to play with," I have to kick myself and remember that if she did, that person would be currently incapable of more than sitting in a sling and drooling anyway, and *I* would not be as free to slide down the slide with her or root around in the sandbox. She loves her older cousin (27 months older) very much, and sometimes I wish I could just make an older child appear for her! But starting from the ground up is way more complicated. The letter writer should not feel the least bit selfish for not wanting to jump into this (and her husband just might be insane, LOL). You could give it a little time and see if the baby lust kicks in around age 2. If it does, great, reevaluate. But it's fine to table it indefinitely until you feel called to it. If you never do, you are not hurting your current child.

[hedra]

There were some threads here on only vs sibs, a while back - search them up, there's good info in there on the joys of having just one, or of being an only.

I remember reading something an only once said about 'not wanting to deny his child the gifts of being an only child by having another'. It was kind of a shock because we just do. not. say. that. in the US. Being an only is kind of looked down on, pitied, here. But if you are a conscious parent, paying attention, you can make being an only into one of the greatest childhoods you could imagine. It won't be the same as having sibs. But it won't be at all something bad.

I didn't want another right away, even though we'd planned for three since before we were married (and the third was twins, so keep that in mind as you get older... older moms have higher odds of spontaneous twins). I think when G was 2, I could conceptualize a sibling (looking into the future, anyway - I'd have been miserable with him as an older sibling at 2, he needed immense amounts of energy and attention!). G was 4 when his brother was born, and that was just about right for our family (though maybe anything that happened would have been right?). Anyway, considering a second before the older was 2 just seemed alien to me.

My advice - live in what you have, and enjoy it, and welcome it for what it is, and if you start feeling like more is a good idea, then you do. If you don't, then you don't. If you recognize that you don't have the capacity to do this back-to-back, then choose (as much as the universe allows it) not to do that. If you want another when this one is six, go for it. If you want to adopt your second because pregnancy sucked so bad and you hate hate hate the first year and another isn't enough counterweight on the plus side, fine - skip the pregnancy, and/or infancy.

There will always be a down-side to anything you choose, and anything you end up with. We got more kids than we'd planned for, and we love it. And it sucks finances like a great yawning vortex, and limits our choices and options, and right now G would trade all his sibs for a couple lego sets. Or maybe for just one. He loves them, plays with them, and wishes they didn't exist. So - upside, downside, we live with both. You get to live with both of yours, too. All you can do is make what you've got into something you can love, hug your regrets (skip guilt - just regret is enough), mourn the life you didn't pursue (or get), and carry on with what you're living.

Your decisions may change, or may not. It's not necessary to choose right now. Just be.

[QGirl]

I too wondered why any family would want more than one child, and was going through the exact same feelings/work situation etc as you. I was especially reluctant to have another baby since our first was born with a heart defect. (he is healthy now after heart surgery at 2 days old.)

If it hadn't been for my husbands strong desire to have another baby we would have only had one. He comes from a large family and it was really important to him that our son have a sibling.

In the end I am really happy that I agreed to have another baby. and although the first 1.5 years is tough (even more so with the second one), I know that it will be well worth in in the end to have two wonderful kids. They have really completed our happy family.

[Kat]

@Shandra - You are living my greatest fear, the loss of a child. I was actually thinking a bit opposite of your reason to have a second child. Now that I have two (21 months and 5 months )I am now doubly afraid of losing my children..two chances of loss. and the fear is almost crippling sometimes.

I hated being pregnant the first time and even more the second time, but that is only a temp condition so that wasnt a factor in my decision to have two kids. The second wasnt really a choice/decision he was a SURPRISE!!! and a great one. I felt the guilt and betrayal to my first, I asked myself how could I love another as much as my first, how could I take away from my first all the attention he deserves" Turns out I love my second just as much, and they both get plenty of love and attention from all of the family. For some one is good for others two or 18. My question is why do we have any guilt at all? Why should we and where did we get this guilt from?

[hush]

A reason for having three? They had 2 of a kind and were trying for 1 of the other gender. I think this sometimes gets problematic, i.e. an acquaintance of ours who had to "learn to love" her son because she really wanted a girl so she could have tea parties with her and plan her wedding. So vapid it hurts!

Another family we know had 2 girls but wanted to try for a boy, which they finally got (1 & 2 are 22 mos. apart; 2 & 3 are 25 mos. apart). So now the poor middle girl, nicknamed "spare," has never gotten much individual attention. Her speech issues at age 5 are reportedly compounded by a lack of exposure to grown-up speech at an earlier age. Very sad.

It's never, never, never, not ever! "selfish" to decide you don't want to add to your family. Period. However, it IS incredibly selfish to extend beyond your means in the name of fantasies about silly activities you think you can or can't do with kids of a certain gender.

In families with four, five, or more kids - the only families I know in this camp are either very religious, have a ton of money, had multiples, or had a surprise.

I don't think most people think long and hard enough about it. There is not a damn thing wrong with having zero or one child. I'd argue that for most middle income families this is the most unselfish gift you can give your child: the gift of time, economic resources, and undivided attention. As others have said, there are no guarantees in life. I think society would be a lot better off if more people knew when to say when.

[sudru]

I'm 43 and my little guy turns 1 tomorrow. I can't see myself pregnant again, both due to my age and that this past year has been to put it mildly, challenging. But we made it to 1! and he's doing great and I'm learning A LOT about myself and about him. If I were younger, I suppose I would be want him to have a sibling. OTOH, moms are the ones who do the work, dads kinda pitch in. A 2nd child is a decision that should be personal for the mom, not for the 1st child, not for the dad, not for grandparents.
Also, I am the 4th of 5 in my family, big family, but I've had to create my own 'family' outside of my birth family...it's a long story but there were difficult times growing up and mostly we've all gone our separate ways. Having 2 plus is not a guarantee that all will turn out well for the future.

[hedra]

Hmm. I'm not sure I answered the philosophical portion of the question. The WHY part.

And I don't think I had a why. I just always knew I'd have kids. Three (though I got a bonus child, woo!). It was just what felt right, in a click-into-place kind of way (the 'gut' thing Moxie mentioned). I actually only WANTED two (replacement philosphy here, too), I had also always known the answer was three. It just was. And then ep said he wanted three, and something in the back of my mind went 'click'... three, good.

And four, good, too. Though I'll vote for skipping twins unless you're really trying for only one pregnancy or you've got low odds of a second shot at it. They're easier in sequence than together. Love having them both, glad they have that relationship, but it's hard hard hard hard work.

The why was somewhat because I had a sense that they asked to come, and I had already said yes. I said yes when I was seven years old, though the bonus child I said yes to about a year before I got pregnant with the twins (though I didn't realize it at the time). Ep had also said yes to them, and luckily, all the physical stuff worked out (eventually).

So, different kind of 'gut' thing, there. More spiritual and personal than just a feeling that this is the right path. They were each there for me at a point when I needed them (long story), and now I'm here for them. :shrug:

[Mandy]

My daughter is almost 3 1/2, my son is almost 7 months. There were times we considered being done with just one, especially given my PCOS, infertility, etc but we felt strongly there was another child meant to be in our home. It wasn't about a sibling or having two children in case something happened to one, it just felt like there was someone else out there for us. We felt like there were supposed to be two.

I think the best thing you can do is what feels right to you. If there's no desire in your heart for a second child, that's ok. There's nothing wrong with that.

[mo]

We did fertility for years to get our one child - when it finally worked we lucked out and got twins. Worked out to be really rough but I am so thankful. I don't know that I would have had the strength mentally/physically/financially to go through getting/being pregnant again and the whole infancy period - ugh. But watching my two boys interact and loving both of them so much (for their own reasons), I can't imagine if I had missed out on having two (I have).

We are now in the do we want a third or not... My big thing is I so don't want to mess up my current family. We have a rhythm, we are an even 4, you don't know what you will get (personality wise or physically wise) and the new person we bring into the family could completely change our family dynamics for the worse (or better). So for now, we are staying with "just" 2. As time goes by, it is becoming more and more clear that we are making the decision versus waiting for the decision to be made for us.

[MorahLaura]

My first was unplanned -- a Gift From God as it were. And her babyhood was Horrible. I had no family, no support, my husband was unemployed and because we had simply found ourselves pregnant, I was very resentful for many months. When she got to be about 2.5, I started thinking about having another. I miscarried twice in a row and the thought that she would not have a sibling broke my heart. That was the overwhelming feeling: I could do it again, my husband and I had gotten therapy and were in a much better place, and I couldn't bear the thought of my daughter not having a sibling (I was very close to my younger sister when we were growing up; not so much now that I have kids and she Doesn't).

Then #2 was born when #1 was 4.3. And she slept through the night at 3 days old! What a change! She was colicky, and cried from 7pm to midnight or 1am every nigh til she was 14 weeks old, but she slept til 10am every day! We felt well-rested and confident in our abilities and I suddenly started feeling my biological clock ticking and felt like there was Someone Missing from our family. We got pregnant with #3 when #2 was 8 months old.

And now, I'm due any day and wondering WHAT WERE WE THINKING??? #2 is almost 17 months old and she only sleeps through the night once or twice a week. I'm exhausted, and #1 is exhibiting a lot of nervous habits and regression, no doubt due to impending #3!

But in my saner moments, 3 kids feels right for our family. There wasn't a whole lot of thought involved in deciding to have #2 or #3, just, it felt like the right thing to do. So we did it. heheh

One funny thing though, all three times at about this point in my pregnancy, my husband has said, "Don't go into labor yet. I'm not ready to be a daddy!" My five yr old thinks this is hiarious, since we already have the 2, but I kinda know what he means!

[doublejen]

It's really great to read all these comments. While I always just knew I wanted two kids (no more, no less!), I also knew I wasn't ready when my son was 6 months old...or one year old...or 15 months old and finally sleeping through the night. At that point, I said I would not even consider it until he had been sleeping through for at least six months. But less than three months later, I was ready. (I think it helped that he also weaned a few weeks after he starting sleeping through.)

I think the main reason I wanted two, and relatively close together (I always thought I wanted them 3 years apart; I'm 19 weeks pregnant with #2 and they'll be about 27 months apart), relates to my own experience. I am the only child of my mother and father's marriage to each other. I was a total only child until my half-sis was born when I was 8 (my mom's daughter from her second marriage). My other half-sis and half-bro (who are from my dad's 3rd marriage) were born when I was 14 and 18. While I call them my sisters and brother, I don't think I relate to them in quite the same way that I would siblings closer in age - now that sis #1 and I are both adults (she's 27, I'm 35), we're much closer, but I have difficulty relating to my 21 year old sis and 17 year old bro. I longed for the kind of relationship I now have with the older sis when I was younger, and I hope to give that to my kids.

My husband wants two because he is SO close to his sister, who is 20 months older than he. In fact, he really wanted them to be at most 2 years apart. He's also really happy that we're having a daughter, so we'll have one of each. I think he really treasures the relationship he has with his sis, and wants that for his children as well.

And finally, in relation to the original question...I think it's terrific that you can recognize your own limitations. The only thing I'd suggest is to keep your options open. It's a lot easier to use birth control for a few years while you make sure that you really truly only want one than it is to reverse a vasectomy or tubal ligation! On the other hand, I hope you are being honest about your feelings with your husband. While there's no easy compromise for this issue, it's important to keep the lines of communication open about it! Good luck.

[Anon for this one]

I knew I wanted kids, but I was pretty sure I didn't want 2. I had a distant relationship with my only brother--we fought some, but we never connected. But I worried about him. And did things for him, in many cases really doing it for my mom--like the summer I wrote dozens of cover letters to help him get a job.

I said 1 or 3+ pretty much before we started having kids. And our daughter was really really hard. She was challenging as a baby and still...at 6 she and I butt heads at times.

Before we had kids, I also wanted the kids spaced far apart, like 5+ years. To give them each that only child attention as babies. But of course, G*d laughed and I got pregnant (unplanned) right before my daughter turned 2.

The second, my son, showed me that babies can sleep at night. And that I didn't completely suck at child care. He was/is much more mellow. The kids are 2.5 years apart. They play together far better than I could have hoped. So I have mentally conceded the point to people who plan to have children really close together.

But I still wasn't happy with 2 kids. The pressure of 1 sibling...it seems intense to me. As examples from my life, my brother and I, my dad and his sister and my grandfather and his sister. We've all tried, but there isn't that connection, the joy that you'd still be friends if you weren't related. In contrast, my mom had several brothers, my husband has many siblings. And they are happy with the good in the relationships without fussing about the negatives. The pressure is diffused.

Now I am pregnant with #3. Of course, G*d laughed at my plans again. It took a miscarriage and about a year of trying. The spacing will be long...about as long as I had originally wanted. The older kids will be 7 and 4.5.

My advice to Anon is to talk and talk and talk to your husband. And get a really reliable birth control. And see how you feel in a year. I don't think siblings is a reason to have a baby. I don't think you're selfish. And I would guess that some of the pressure from other people who expect you to have 2 is because they don't want to honestly ask your question--why am I doing this? If 2 is "natural" then, they don't have to think about it. Good luck.

[Portia]

I have no right to talk about this since I don't have kids yet, but I do want to chime in. My sister (two years older) is more than my best friend and more than my favorite person in the world; she's like a piece of me. She has told me many times that she feels the same way. As children, we were SO much easier together than apart because we played together *all the time*. As adults, we are still best friends. My parents split up last year, and I think it would have been so much more devastating if I didn't have a sibling to commiserate with. She is absolutely the greatest gift my parents could have given me, and because of that I really want more than one child (of course, I could change my mind when I have a baby, and I also realize there is no way to make siblings love each other like we do).

HOWEVER. I don't think there's any reason at all to feel selfish for "depriving" your child of a hypothetical sibling that you know you don't want. If my parents had had a third child, would I have had another best friend and source of support? Maybe, but I certainly don't feel deprived of a younger sibling. My boyfriend is an only child, and even though to me it looks like there's a lot of pressure on him from his parents that would be diffused by siblings, he LOVED being an only child and doesn't see why anyone would want more than one child. Kids (and people) accept the lives they're given, and as long as you are happy with one child, that child will probably also be very happy.

[Portia]

I have no right to talk about this since I don't have kids yet, but I do want to chime in. My sister (two years older) is more than my best friend and more than my favorite person in the world; she's like a piece of me. She has told me many times that she feels the same way. As children, we were SO much easier together than apart because we played together *all the time*. As adults, we are still best friends. My parents split up last year, and I think it would have been so much more devastating if I didn't have a sibling to commiserate with. She is absolutely the greatest gift my parents could have given me, and because of that I really want more than one child (of course, I could change my mind when I have a baby, and I also realize there is no way to make siblings love each other like we do).

HOWEVER. I don't think there's any reason at all to feel selfish for "depriving" your child of a hypothetical sibling that you know you don't want. If my parents had had a third child, would I have had another best friend and source of support? Maybe, but I certainly don't feel deprived of a younger sibling. My boyfriend is an only child, and even though to me it looks like there's a lot of pressure on him from his parents that would be diffused by siblings, he LOVED being an only child and doesn't see why anyone would want more than one child. Kids (and people) accept the lives they're given, and as long as you are happy with one child, that child will probably also be very happy.

[Portia]

oops, sorry for the double post.

[ada]

I think its wonderful that we live in an age where we are able to plan our families. Thank goodness for modern birth control! I completely respect woman who just want one baby. Or none. Or more than two. Its wonderful to have the choice isn't it? (Assuming, of course that you can get pregnant easily).

My desire to have a second child is not intellectually driven. It is a physical desire. I just *WANT* another baby. Simple as that. I've always known I wanted a family. And the family I wanted included more than one baby.

Go with what feels right for you & your family.