Can we explore a little more the idea a lot of you brought up in the post about looking for resources on becoming a single mom? The idea that parenting without a partner is hard, but parenting with a partner who's actually causing more work for you is even harder.
There's a ton of drudgery involved in being a parent. But I've always thought the tough part of being a parent is the emotional part, carrying all that weight of another person or people, having to be thinking about them before you think about yourself. How many pieces of bread do I have left? Enough for everyone to have sandwiches for school? How many hours of sleep can I possibly get before the baby wakes up again and needs to eat? My child keeps hitting the dog--am I somehow not teaching her moral values?
And I don't even think that that stuff is the stuff you guys call being The Great and Mighty Oz* like thinking three steps ahead on everything from developmental milestones to doctors appointments to buying shoes in the next size up.
I know that when you don't feel like things are right in your relationship, everything else is more difficult. When you are happy with who you are, even if things aren't easy, they're doable. I've also discovered that it's much easier to ask for and get help by myself than it was when I had a partner. And since waking up in the morning is easier, everything is easier.
Personally, I think if you want to be a parent, you need to be a parent. And that being a parent is going to expose the cracks in any relationship. And that you can do it, no matter what it is you need to do. Put all those things together, and I'm not sure what you get.
What do you guys think?
* I've always called that "being Mr. Zero" from the movie When Harry Met Sally:
Bruno Kirby: You're saying Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
Billy Crystal: Mr. Zero knew.
OK, I am going to chime in here.
First, I'd like to thank Moxie for creating a space where hedra feels free to unleash her firehose, which allows her to know what she is thinking about (she truly doesn't know often what she's going to say until it's said) and allows me to digest where she is. Seriously. If she was keeping this inside, I don't know how I'd handle it.
Date night: For me, initially it was about the night, a chance to be a grown-up (like seeing movies with bad words or naked people in them). Then it became a place where we could discuss our parenting without the large ears about. Now, it's about the mornings - I'm not yanked from sleep by a small person suddenly at the edge of the bed asking for breakfast.
And yes, for me, it's also about rhymes-with-hecks - which (for me) is a giant relationship reboot (like a PC). We had this discussion with a friend who was trying to understand it, because she doesn't need the act itself in the same way her husband did. It came down to the feeling, for me, that over time there is gradual drift between us, and rhymes-with-hecks stops all that and starts things over at the same point. And I can go more than a week, but after three we really feel it - we're snippy, not listening, not in synch at all. To continue the computing metaphor, alone time is like defragging the hard drive.
Posted by: epeepunk | August 29, 2008 at 09:49 AM
I thought at first someone was ragging on me about the firehose posts... then I glanced down at the posted-by. :waves to epeepunk: ... Yeah, we had that conversation (again) this morning, darn extroverts not knowing what they're thinking until it is said/typed...
And I'm also grateful for Moxie for creating a place where I (and presumably others) can discover some of what's going on inside. It's nice to have a safe place to think out loud, with prompts - the prompts being a big part of it, since I don't think I'd have enlightened myself about the date night stuff without an outside reason to think about it. I end up with writers block (self-block, blank stare) without a prompt.
Posted by: hedra | August 29, 2008 at 11:13 AM
@hedra, thanks for the props. That twice to me recently (once as an anon). You are SO supportive and wise!
I think part of my sole parent dilemma is that I work long hours (by necessity to pay the bills without any help), so it is so very hard to choose to leave B with a babysitter yet again so I can have personal time off. Truly, I miss him and need time with him as much as he does with me, so I just haven't kept up with the me-stuff because of it. I know it's a work-in progress but we don't have much balance lately....
This makes the outside noise/judgment a little harder to take. But really it's mostly my own issue about setting priorities and triaging where there just isn't enough time.
Posted by: Susannah | August 30, 2008 at 05:53 PM
I am not sure how on-topic this is, but I have been a bit distressed by the tone of your posts lately, Moxie. It seems you are SO HAPPY to be rid of your soon-to-be-ex-husband (you can't even bring yourself to call him that -- it is only "my kids' dad" as if you never had anything to do with him) that you are positively gleeful at single parenting. As if it is somehow superior to partner-parenting. I have always looked to this website for a very balanced, non-judgmental view on different parenting challenges but it doesn't really seem that way now.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | August 31, 2008 at 01:35 PM
@Carla Hinkle,
I have always liked how Miss Manners says that we should refer to important people in our lives based on existing relationships, rather than former relationships. So she recommends referring to "my children's mother" rather than "my ex". Personally this sounds just right to me. I much prefer "my son's grandmother" to "my former MIL". I don't hear this as dishonoring former relationships, but rather honoring what is good and true and lasting.
We have had some fun with this in my family, where my father is no longer married to my stepmother. They have two sons. Per Miss Manners, this makes my ex-stepmom "my brothers' mother". It's usually good for a laugh and defuses any awkwardness that people might feel when talking about complex family relationships. She and I also have a close relationship, so sometimes I still introduce her as my stepmom, sometimes she is my mom, depending on circumstances. Until Miss Manners comes up with a better term for "woman I love as a mother, who helped raise me but isn't my bio mom and isn't married to my dad anymore" I guess that will have to do.
re your other points, I don't really know how gleeful anyone can be about single parenting. It is hard, hard, hard. Maybe others disagree, but personally I don't hear unmitigated happiness or superiority about it in Moxie's posts (see the one about chewing your own and your kids' leg off). I do hear relief in seeing movement in a more joyful, authentic direction, together with monumental grief. If there is some happiness and even glee in the mix, then god bless her and so much better for the kids, don't you think?
Posted by: Susannah | August 31, 2008 at 04:10 PM
Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite term: "babymama". I don't hear "babydaddy" so much but that works for me, too. Maybe it depends on how old the kids are, but for me it sounds right for any age kid. I hear respect and honor in that name. Along these lines, I guess my stepmom could be my "brothermama".
When I was living in Africa and in South America, there were so many more and richer words for family relationships. Comadre was one of my favorite.
Posted by: Susannah | September 01, 2008 at 08:22 AM
Moxie - I haven't checked in for awhile as I'm a single mom by choice of a 3 year old boy and 11 week old premature twins one of who is still in the hospital and been in a bit of crisis mode. I just came to look something up that I read years ago and saw the post on single parenting. I've been talking about it a bit on my blog the last few days, but in spite of how difficult it can be sometimes, for me, it has been the best thing I have ever done. I finally feel fulfilled and like I am on the path I am supposed to. I haven't read, nor do I have time to read all the comments, but have tons of SMC resources I could pass on to someone or the original poster if she wanted to talk. Deb
Posted by: Deb2You2 | September 01, 2008 at 10:58 PM
Ya know, the way I see it, just getting married and deciding to have a child is taking a risk. There are no guarantees, and in today's world, there are even less. Divorce looms on the horizon for many of us, and with it single parenthood. Having been a single mother, who got married, divorced, single parent again, married and divorced again--> I wold rather have stayed a single mother and avoid all of the hassle that comes from broken promises and abandonment.
Kids understand when you make a choice to have them 'cause you want them. Kids understand that you may or may not have made a conscious choice. However, kids have a hard time understanding why the one that is supposed to love them doesn't come when they are supposed to meet, why there seems to be money for cars and such but mot money for child support.
Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If we would just see that, instead of trying to protect them from reality, much parenting would be so much easier. Yes, single parenting is a hard road, but so is partnered parenting. It isn't all peaches and roses when one is married. I have seen too many marriages break when children entered the picture because one or the other partner became jealous of the attention the child was receiving. Or just found the kid an inconvenience. Or...or...
Ya wanna parent, go ahead and be a parent. Just one plug for the environment: Keep the numbers of births per person down. We have an overpopulation problem.
Posted by: Jutta | September 02, 2008 at 01:03 AM
@Carla Hinkle and Savannah - What I'm hearing from Moxie is relief and grief and regret and the ability to embrace life passionately again. It's a very familiar place, I remember my mom hitting it, too. And my dad (though he only really hit it after marrying his third wife, I think).
I also hear the opportunity to openly address single-parenting issues and divorced-parenting issues as Ask Moxie topics, which have been kind of NOT addressed for the last few years, except in the very safest modes. There's been kind of a backlog there.
I do sense a few logjams breaking free, which maybe could feel overwhelming for anyone who hasn't been there, or who isn't there, or who really doesn't need to go there right now, or doesn't even have a personal sense of where that 'there' is. Maybe that's what you're running into (Carla)? That plus the fact that Moxie is very very careful to not discuss too much in the way of specifics about the pains of being in this process, out of respect for her kids' dad/ex-DH, whatever you want to call him (and can I say I love the Miss Manners approach - not sure if I can do that one because of the vast arrays of step parents, ex-step parents, step-sibs, half-sibs, etc. I'd have my mom, dad, half-sib's mom, step-sib's mom, other half-sib's dad, other step-sib's dad and her half-sib's mom, dad's wife (step-mom), step-brother's dad and HIS wife... um. I think it's worse than either 'mom's ex-DH #3' or 'my ex-step-dad who is actually still my step-dad by relationship even if not marriage'.)
Posted by: hedra | September 02, 2008 at 09:12 AM
@Jen - my MIL is like that too. Just felt like telling you that you are not alone ;)
Our family therapist has suggested (because the famliy therapist's daughter, a baby mother, told the family therapist this herself....) that we say in a nice way that while I appreciate your advice, I'd prefer to ask for it. To me it feels like meddling if it comes unasked for. Now, I haven't been able to say that yet, because she sees herself as the should-be-adored matriarch and to hear this will be very hurtful and hard to take. But I'm going to have to. It is slowly driving me insane, making me a not-so-nice person.
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Posted by: Bart Lewis - Parents, Geeks and God | September 03, 2008 at 09:00 PM