For those of you who have or are having or considering second children

So a few more questions came in over the last week or so about second children. A couple of them from people who were either newly pregnant with the second or about to give birth, and were wondering if they were setting themselves up for disaster. The real concern for both those writers seemed to be the overwhelming sense of guilt at breaking up the little party the first child had, combined with the worry that they'd never be able to love the second child the way they loved the first.

I don't know that I have so much to offer here. I definitely felt both those feelings when I was having my second son. And I think it's a mistake to resort to the old "a sibling is the best gift you can give" line to comfort yourself, even if you do believe it. (I do for myself, because my relationship with my brother is the most important relationship I've had, aside from the one with my children.) Because even as wonderful as it is to have a sibling, there is loss for the older child. If nothing else, there's loss of having all the focus (which, again, could also be a good thing), but there's loss of the immediacy and the cocoon.

Does the good outweigh the bad? For my kids, yes. But it's important to acknowledge for yourself that it's not all happiness all the time. Allow yourself to feel a little sad about it, even as you look forward to the baby.

Can I ask a favor? If there's anyone who truly doesn't love their second (or later) child as much as the first, could you comment on it anonymously? I've never heard of it happening, but of course it's something you could never say in public. So if there is someone, please put it here anonymously, and we'll see if it's a realistic fear, or if loving the second one as much as the first is just something you can't imagine until you're there.

The other questions I got were from a very new mom-of-two and one about to pop any second now, who were really terrified of what was going to happen when their help (spouses and family) were gone and they had to be alone with the two kids. The spacing was right around 2 years for both of these moms, and the primary concern was how to keep the older one calm and happy while they got the baby to sleep. And yeah, that's a concern, because a 2-year-old's needs are very immediate, as are an infant's, so it could turn into a donnybrook easily.

Mine were 3 years apart, so my older one watched a lot of Bob the Builder DVDs while I was getting the little one down to sleep in those early days. For those of you with kids spaced closer than 2 1/2 years apart, how did you keep the older one chill while you were getting the little one to sleep? Any and all suggestions welcome.

Comments

[obabe]

two kids here, 26 months apart. (and 36.5w preg with a third). theyre now 5 (today!) and almost 3. my issue was more the reverse- getting the older one to sleep while the littler one was awake- the baby typically napped during dinner/bath, but was up/hungry for bedtime routine. and my husband travels a few days every month as well.
since my bigger guy was just over 2, he didnt mind that i nursed the baby, sitting in his bed while i "laid" with him during bedtime. my feeling is that worse case scenario, the baby sleeps/nurses in your arms for as long as neccessary to get the older one to bed. you can deal with getting the baby to sleep in their crib/bassinet later.

im starting to wonder/worry how itll pan out doing dinner/bath/bedtime solo with two kids and a newborn - which i know is inevitable within a month after delivery since i just said yes to letting my husband travel three weeks after my due date overnight (why??????)

getting back to the point- once my second was older, and while each kid had their own room/bedtime/etc (they now share, since they are each in a regular bed) we did have some tv time for one while it was bedtime routine for the other. i personally found it a nice treat if i came into our bedroom and found the tv watching kiddo asleep already after getting the first one down. hee. im evil.

and its unreal- but you can, and will, love your second as much as your other two. you may love each for different reasons, but it still sums to the same love.

[meghan]

Something to take comfort in: my 3 year old is a much better and more adjusted sibling to his 5 month old triplet brothers than I ever imagined. Of course there are complications, but I think like most areas of parenting (IME), the emotional buildup to change is a lot worse than the change itself in the end.

I wish my future self could have told me that a year ago...

[anon]

My two boys are 21 months apart exactly. I suspected the first year would be hard but then after that it would get easier (they would entertain each other...).

The reality: first three months have been horrible. New Baby is colicky. Toddler went back to being a baby (frequent night waking, crying at bedtime, naptime, etc.). The hardest thing: figuring out how to put Toddler down for a nap or bedtime if New Baby is crying or in my arms. New Baby is still so little that he doesn't have a schedule which means Toddler goes to bed first and usually naps first.

What has helped: TV or DVDs for the Toddler. In the morning, I can feed New Baby while Toddler is watching TV.

Toddler Bedtime when I have no help: I read to both at the same time, but try to focus on Toddler. Then I put Toddler in his crib, tell him I'm going to walk with New Baby, calm NB and put NB in his crib. Then I walk back and forth from room to room to assure Toddler I'm there for him, etc. Eventually he falls asleep.

The truth about New Baby: We have a hole outside in our yard in the dirt that the gardener dug and I thought how nice it would be to let Colicky New Baby sleep there for awhile. That scared me. When he's asleep or calm I think he's very cute and in some ways I am way more relaxed with #2 so that I seem to enjoy the good times more, rather than worrying about naps/sleep/feeding as much as I did with #1. However, when he is screeching or not sleeping, I hate him and don't yet have a whole lot of love for him.

[Matriarch]

I have 4 grown daughters, 35, 33, 29, 26. The first two were 26 months apart, the second two 3 and one half years. I lived in Manhattan until the first was 7, the second 5, the third 2. Ill-advisedly, we moved from NYC to Bangor, Maine. In retrospect we moved because I wanted a 4th child and my husband, sick of the city, wouldn't consider having 4 kids there. Two years later, we moved to Long Island. I am the oldest of 5 younger brothers, the oldest of 45 first cousins. I loved growing up in a big family. Their sisters are the greatest gifts I have given my children.

It is hard to imagine when you have one child that you will be able to love the others just as much. What you have learned about parenting makes mothering subsequent children so much less traumatic. I admit I have a huge tolerance for sibling squabbles.

[Matriarch]

anon,

Hating your children sometimes is just another way of loving them and protecting yourselves.

[Amy]

Ok, I'll come right out and say it. On the day my 2nd was born, I didn't love her as much as I loved #1. After all, I had known #1 for about a year and a half longer, and she had a personality and loved me back and gave hugs and read stories and sang songs, while #2 had just put me through more than a little pain, couldn't do anything, wanted to nurse constantly, and most of all, was preventing me from seeing #1 (because I was in the hospital). I couldn't think of anything but getting home to be with #1 (I even made them let me out 36 hours early).

When I came home, after the initial reunion wore off, I found myself feeling **fiercly** protective of #2 against #1. All of a sudden #1 looked ENORMOUS and DANGEROUS, and there was this little helpless infant, and it was my responsibility to protect her. I didn't hate #1 all of a sudden, but I hated the threat that she represented to #2. And I felt SO guilty. (Hello, hormones!)

Then #2 would have a fussy day, and I would miss SO much the days when my #1 and I were all by ourselves, and could do what we liked, rather than being tied to the house with this cranky bratty baby...

I don't want to say that I ever loved one more than the other, but it certainly wasn't love at first sight with either of them. The moment they were born, all I remember feeling was a profound relief that they were out, that labor was over, and that they were both breathing and getting good apgars. The love came later. I was too tired for love at first.

And now that I've had as much of a chance to get to know #2, I think I love my kids equally, but differently. The like is what seesaws. Today I like my big girl best because she's doing an awesome job of potty training and entertaining herself, while my little girl is sick and fussy and a pain in the neck (right now). Tomorrow the big one may crap all over my furniture, and I won't like her much, but the little one will say "wuv you" for the first time and be the favorite of the day.

I think you have to give yourself permission to like one kid over the other sometimes - because if you try to make everything even you're going to miss out on the really special and unique parts of your kids' personalities. One may be going through a really rough patch while the other is in the middle of a really awesome stage. As long as it evens out over time, I think it's natural and normal and healthy and fine.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Matriarch]

When alone, I always read to the older child (children) when nursing the baby. I assumed they would be right there on top of me. Thank God they would always sit still for a book. They developed enormous attention spans as a result, particularly the baby who was listening to chapter books from birth.

[Kat]

Mom of a 5 month old and a 21 month old - I had no idea how I could love my second as much as my first. I felt like I was betraying my first. yadda yadda. I love my second SOO much I cant explain it, but before he was born I thought of him as a bit of an intruder to our happy family. I can see how one would worry, but I agree with obab...you will love them.. and differently.

Now to the taking care of two at a time when they are both so young.. My advice is accept the fact that one will be screaming while to tend to the other. Just accept it. as long as they are safe put one in the crib while you tend to the other.. Just do the check list one at a time, diaper, food, safe. Remember to Give yourself a break.

[yasmara]

I have 2 boys who are 19 months apart (now 3 years old & 20 months old) and it wasn't until this summer that we finally got the "one person putting two kids to nap/bed" thing sorted out.

Older did not want to give up his 1x1 bedtime routine (he is the less flexible of the two) and would often refuse to get into bed until we read 2 books, sang a song, etc. Younger actually needs less sleep than Older (still), so we were never guaranteed that he would be in bed or otherwise content in his crib before Older went to bed.

I often resorted to "baby on the floor on a blanket" or "baby crawling around the room while we read stories." Even once Younger was walking, they did NOT want to sit quietly together for stories. It's only just now that we can read books with both of them (they are on the floor if it's not a board book or both on my lap if it is a board book) and then have Older go to bed (and not want me to come back in) while I put Younger to bed.

Younger often needs 3 or 4 "visits" for rocking/back patting before he will drop off to sleep and he still gets up earlier than Older (5 a.m. this morning, but that's earlier than usual, so I'm hoping it's a phase or teething or something and will go back to the usual 6:30).

Getting 2 kids to sleep with 1 adult was literally the hardest logistical thing (and sometimes emotional when they were both screaming/crying/over-tired/refusing to sleep) about adding our 2nd. Everything else seemed to fall into place - mealtimes are crazier and it's challenging to take them both grocery shopping, but none of it even came close to getting to sleep. It is such a relief now that we have finally figured out a good routine for the nights when one of us can't be home for bedtime.

[Amy]

I forgot to plug my blog - I've done a useful series of posts on having "two under two" if anyone is in the situation above, like Anon, and needs a little help, or a morale boost.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Badger]

My two girls are 19 mo apart. The first 6 months were challenging, but having a mother's helper was a God send. We hired a college student to help out 10 hr a week ($10/hr here in the midwest) and she was such a help. She took the almost 2 year old out for a walk, or to the park, and I have good time with the baby, or if I was luck, nap time while the baby slept. Or shower time. A group play situation may help if you cannot find a babysitter. You can do it! Now, my girls are loads of fun (baby just turned 1), and I do not regret for one minute having two. I could not have done it alone (well, of course I could have, but it would have been a lot harder). I second the DVDs vote, no shame from me about that one either.

[Badger]

Another tip from a seasoned mom of 4 I know which I found useful -- set up a "play bin" next to the nursing chair. While you are nursing the little one to nap, the toddler can be exploring. Put all kinds of good, new, exciting (and QUIET! ;) ) toys in it, yummy snacks (I made a mix of raisins, nuts and M&Ms, kept them in the small snack sized ziploc bags, worked every time), books, magazines (mine loved to look at the pictures). The deal is, the older one can only look at that stuff when you are with the baby, so it becomes special. We kept ours in a lunch box. A shower caddy would work as well.

[anon2]

I remember my mom telling me when I was little that she loved my brother more than me. She justified it by also saying that Dad loved me more than my brother. My advice: don't ever say this to a little kid. It's taken 20+ years to come to terms with that little confession.
Perhaps what she meant at the time was that she loved us differently. From my point of view, that would make more sense. I can't imagine quantifying love. You either love someone or you don't. Though, I do agree that it takes a while to love someone. Especially a new baby you are just now getting the chance to know.

[BrooklynGirl]

I feel ridiculous even pretending to give advice since my second child is 14 months old, and I'm still trying to get my head above water, but I do have the occupying #1 (22 months older than his baby sister) while dealing with #2 down. Unoriginally, it's all about TV.

In the beginning, I couldn't really trust my oldest to be in another room with the TV (even if he was in a TV-induced stupor) so I'd strap him into his stroller while I put #2 down. Occasionally, I would feel badly about all the TV and I would experiment with reading to #1 while I nursed #2, but invariably I would drop a book on #2 or some such so I always went back to TV.

[rudyinparis]

Can I just say how much I love that people here freely admit that they occasionally use the tv to help them out? In so many parenting spaces people act like if your kids see any tv at all they'll inevitably turn out to be sociopaths or something. Or that somehow their PhD level parenting is sullied by the admission of tv watching. I have found that a little tv can do a lot of good, and be extraordinarily helpful. Geez louise!

Amy, I SO appreciate your comments on how "the like is what seesaws." Lately--I'm going to be brutally honest here--I like Younger a lot more than Eldest. Eldest, lately, is a big pain in my neck. Younger is adorable. Of course I don't show this, but even thinking it makes me feel AWFUL. It's really been weighing on me. Thank you, Amy, for lightening my load in that area.

As for the being alone with two, DH and I have both found that oftentimes everything (for example, the bedtime routine) runs much more smoothly when it's just one of us. I wonder if this is the case for others here, as well? I'm not sure why this is--probably has something to do with how it removes any of that "Mama do!" or "Daddy do!" that we seem to encounter when we're both in the house.

[Awesome Mom]

I don't remembering it being that huge of a deal. Mine are 21 months apart. I did not have a huge or long routine for naps ect and I had them sleeping in different rooms for naps even though they share at night. The hardest thing was having the baby taking two naps a day and the toddler only taking one and they rarely overlapped. A lot of times the baby had a nap on the go and I made sure he got a nice calm nap later in the afternoon.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I think I read this here, but I will throw it back out there (haven't used it yet, since #2's arrival is still a few months in the offing).

When both kids need you at the same time, tend to the older one first if possible. THe older one will remember it. The younger one won't.

[anon for this one]

We get to deep love in different ways.

With my first, it was that explosive, love-at-first-sight sort of love. I can identify a specific moment (during labor, while I was pushing) that I first felt it, and she's had me, hook, line and sinker from that time forward. I cannot imagine it would be possible for me to love anybody or anything any more.

With my second, it was more of a slow burn -- more like a love-that-grew-from-friendship. I didn't feel much connection with him while I was pregnant and I didn't get that rush of maternal emotion when he was born. I don't know that I would say I didn't love him, but I wasn't head-over-heels from the first moment. The love I feel for him now has grown over time, and it took awhile. He is 2 1/2, and it's maybe only in the last 6 months that I've really begun to have that heart-achingly overwhelming love feeling with him.

So for awhile, yes, I'd say that I loved her more than I loved him. Even comparing them at the same times in their lives, I loved her more (I loved her more at 2 months than I did him at 2 months). Don't think I didn't beat myself up about that. And I sure as hell never admitted it.

[rudyinparis]

You know, I didn't mean for that tv-watching comment to sound snarky. If anyone here doesn't have a tv or is able to stick to a "no tv" rule I think that's great. Preemptive apology.

[hedra]

I'm with Amy on the 'like seesaw' thing. My mom also said that about herself and us - that we were allowed to like her more or less, and the same with friends to friends, and her to us, but the real underpinning love was a separate deal.

My dad confessed he loved me more than the others. He also confessed the same thing to each of the others, separately. Bad for him that we compared notes. Though in the end it was an effective strategy against the 'who is the favorite' thing, because we each could say we were, and we call could say none of us was. We also thought he was a liar, so maybe not the best plan...

I've said before that all the love I have for my kids is one love. There's no love-for-one that is not the same as the love-for-other. They all swim in that ocean. I am amazed, impressed, awed, and attuned to each differently, and I am frustrated, annoyed, irritated, and confounded by them each individually. But the love is just one immense all-enveloping thing.

What pains me isn't loving them differently or more/less, etc (I don't even love them differently, I love them each... themselves, as one. DANG, how to describe it?) Instead my ouchy thing is that I don't *know* each of my kids as well as the others. I don't 'get' them all as easily. Which should be a duh thing, affinities and such being what they are... but it bugs me that there's one who I just really struggle to see into. Granted, other people have said that they struggle the same with that one - some people don't show you all their inner workings, period, so it is harder to get to really know and understand them. So I end up having to choose to just be with/responsive-to, and not try too hard to understand, and that seems to work.

But love? Love is all, and it has grown greater with each child, so that I loved G more after B was born (though not instantly, there's still that adaptation period, and it CAN BE LONG - it took as long to grow as G and B's affection took to grow, which is more than 6 months to be genuinely mutual), and I loved G and B more after M and R were born. It's kind of like how you can love your DH more when you see them as a father - it's seeing them create that dyad with the child, that is their own bond, that makes the bond I have with each of them so much bigger. Does that make sense?

I was absolutely terrified that I would not, could not, love another baby the way I loved G. Everyone's tales to the contrary were just their reality, not mine. I *knew* with absolute certainty that a second love like this was a long-shot - who could compare? How? And then here's B, who doesn't compare, he just is his own planet in our solar system, and is who he is.

I did feel a terrible shattering of my relationship with G, though - there was a great wound there that I didn't know how to heal. Much of it was mine, though - my own issues from my own younger sibling. It took time to get back to that full flowing of affection back and forth with no hitches, and it was past the point where I had that 'must defend baby from older sib' stage. Heck, at this point, it's more likely that I'd have to defend elder from younger (who is so much more physical in his reactions).

So, yes, complicated. But not bad. And always growing.

[Marcy]

Don't have much to contribute since I only have 1 kid so far. but thought I'd share a kinda funny story, that my husband will turn to our 6 month old and say things like, "OK kid, you're our best hope because you're the only one that's getting this much undivided attention so you better turn out good!"

I'll have to get him to stop saying that once D's able to actually process what he means, but for now it's cute. =P

[regiemino]

I remember being pregnant with my second and having all these visions of reading contentedly to #1 while #2 was nursing....and as it turned out, my oldest would not come near me while I was nursing her brother (they are 24 mo. apart). She would do her own thing, roam around on her own, then come to me when I put him down. Remember, new babies sleep a lot (usually!)so you will have more time with the first than you think, it just gets chaotic when they both get demanding at the same time.
Then I had a third (on purpose!)-2.5 years later this time. My third was the most demanding baby, but I decided early on that she knew she was the third and became SHE WHO WILL NOT BE IGNORED. She's still that way - good on her I think. I used the Baby Bjorn a lot when she was small. I get asked all the time how I manage three kids but I don't really know how. I went back to work 3 days/week after a year at home with each (yay Canada) and my husband is home on those days. That is key for us. It can be very chaotic at times, but with my youngest at 19 mo, I am totally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...I see my life there, small, but getting closer!

oh, it doesn't matter if you have one child or 6, people ALWAYS ask if you're having another one. It's ridiculous.

[Jill in Atlanta]

@ rudyinparis: I didn't do tv and I will be the first to admit it was harder. Sometimes I'm not sure why I endured so much extra when I knew I didn't have to. But I made it. I read a lot of books gave him books on CD to listen to, had the calmer kid first -- (plan for that if you can!) and kept #1's naps very consistent in routine but juggled the time a bit, trying to get new baby to sleep during those times. With some adjustments to the whole schedule it worked ok.

Having a second is never easy at the start, but after a few months go by and a friend has a newborn you'll suddenly realize, "hey, I kind of have the hang of this".

[Anon for this one]

I am mostly a lurker here, but I had to comment on this topic. I have 2 children aged 26 months apart, 3 y/o and 1 y/o. I feel like I have a stronger bond with my son (who was born first) and I have a couple of thoughts about that. First of all I love my children the same, but that's not the same as understanding them. Mr. Q and I are very similar in personality and usually I can read his mind like an open book. Missie Z is more like her father (not a bad thing), so I have a harder time "reading" her. I also was able to exclusively nurse Mr. Q for his first year (and we continued to nurse until he was 17 months) and we truly were never apart. I took him to work with me, he slept in the same bed with me, he liked to cuddle with me, etc. Missie Z is very independent and has slept in her own bed since she was too big to swaddle (4 months)--she just needs her own space. She is not very interested in nursing and I think it is due to the fact that she had to have bottles since she was 6 weeks when I went back to work (this time working for a company that would not allow me to bring her with me). She will rarely cuddle—not even when she is tired (as a matter of fact she is more restless the more tired she is). So, a lot of the bonding things I did with my son, she just isn’t interested in. I hope that we'll find something good to bond over as she grows (any ideas?!?).

When I met my husband he wanted children and I did not. I am the 2nd oldest of a family of 11 children, and I felt that I had already raised my fair share of children. We became pregnant quite by accident, and I had a time of adjustment before I really became excited about having a baby. By the time I could feel him moving, I was thrilled. I also knew that I wanted him to have a sibling (and I hoped for a girl since my husband desperately wanted a daddy’s girl). I wanted them close in age so they would really get to know each other. I have younger siblings that I really don't know because I was leaving the nest when they were growing up. So that was our reasoning for having them close together (that, and I wanted to still be young when they were going off to college so I could have a good old time when they were gone!).

I wanted to add that when I was about 16 my mom told me that she didn’t love one of my younger sisters. She was sick over it, and kept praying that she would develop love for her. I have never asked her if that has changed, as I don’t think that is any of my business and I’m not sure how I would broach the subject if I did mention it. I truly can’t imagine not loving one of your children, even if you do have eleven of them. My mother has some emotional issues that she has been carrying for a long time, and I really think her problems with love stem from her emotional mess more than anything else.

Sorry, this has been such a long post.

@Amy—Thanks for the Seesaw comment—I think it fits perfectly!

[a-non]

My son (almost 3) and daughter (11 mos) are 23 months apart. I admit that I love my son more than my daughter. There, I said it. I've just never connected with her like I did right away with him. We're now done having kids, and I don't regret that decision for a minute.

I feel guilty because after he was born I always used to know exactly how many weeks old he was, and made albums with the tons of pictures of him, and kept meticulous records of his development. But I don't even have a baby book for her.

We were trying for a girl, so I don't know why I wasn't more excited. I guess it's be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. My advice is to also wait awhile between pregnancies. In hindsight, I think 23 months apart is just too close to do it right. If they don't turn out to be best friends, I'll definitely regret my decision to have them so close together.

[Lara]

Well as a new mom of 2, a 5.5 week old and 28 month old, I can say I use the TV too, more than I care to but I make do and it is getting easier. I also made sure to have lots of crayons and colouring books, bought new books to read and now I get my older one to "read" to me and the baby.
I am also very lucky that my mom and SIL take my older one once a week, where she gets her 1 on 1 time, lots of exercise and outdoor play. So I say use people around you if you can, it certainly makes things much easier for you to bond with the new baby and know your older one is getting lots of attention too.
One other thing I did was let the older one "pick" out snacks from the bulk store. ( I showed her what to pick) So when I have to nurse she can have a snack like salt free pretzels, dried fruit that she choose.

[Jen]

I have 2 boys 19 months apart. Our third child will be 21 months behind the 2nd. All-in-all, I don't remember it being all that hard. My husband only took 1 day off from work then went back full time with a 2 day old and a 19 month old at home for me. I think having help would have made it a lot harder once the help was gone but never having had any assistance at all, I did what had to be done.

We did use Signing Time and Thomas and Friends a lot at first with the toddler, but the baby NEVER napped unless he was touching me (my mei tai saved my LIFE) until he was 10 months old and then only took 1 nap a day. They've napped at the same time ever since and when the youngest was 16 months old, they started sharing a room (easy-peasy, but I'm blaming that on the oldest, he is a very easy-going 3 year old). I'm not dreading adding a 3rd kid to the mix except when it comes to the relationship of the 2nd with the 3rd. The baby (17 months old right now) gets his diaper in a twist over every little thing, still.

Yes, I have in the past felt more affection for the older than the younger, but it's evening out as they're getting bigger and getting out of the baby-stage.

[hydrogeek]

Just lurking today. Daughter is 20 months old and son is due in 2 months! I'm especially looking for tips for the night time routine for my daughter who doesn't like tv! Here I am thinking I'll have no problem using the tv to help with her and SHE refuses it! Joke's on me I guess.

[Jan]

So I have two kids, 18 months apart. And the older one has always been ruled by Separation Anxiety to the nth degree.

I coped with it by involving her in all the parenting. When I nursed the baby, I put an arm around her and cuddled her, too. She was an invaluable helper when it came to fetching diapers/bottles/wipes/clean clothes/toys/etc. She liked to start the swing for him, and "help" him play under his play gym.

I'm one who rarely used TV at the time -- don't worry, @rudyinparis, we've been assimilated! :) -- we did a lot of music and books. I got a gift of a set of Baby Einstein flash cards that were a lifesaver when I was nursing -- it was a game for her to find a specific one and then a single card was so easy to hold onto and read while I was juggling a newborn.

I am a person who is, in general, not particularly undone by crying. So when they were both so little, if they were both upset and crying, I'd just sit and hold them until the tragedy had passed. Or if there were specific needs to be met, I'd take care of the quickest one first.

I used the swing quite a bit with the baby, because he liked it. I learned to nurse in the glider while the Munchkin sat on the (also gliding) ottoman and I rocked them both, him in my arms and her between my legs.

I used the sling to let him sleep while she got outside to play. I gave her all kinds of props for being a big girl and doing things (climbing into the car seat, putting on her clothes, emptying the little potty) herself.

I also kept as sacred as possible some of our time together. My husband held the baby each night while I did her bedtime routine, because that's always been my special time with her. On nights when he wasn't home, I put the baby in the swing out in the hall, or let her stay up a little late while I got him down.

Of course there were issues. There was one particularly harrowing stomach-flu incident that I've mentally blocked most of, but I do know involved one child sitting in the bathtub covered in her own vomit and the other screaming in the swing while Mommy stood in indecision and tears in the family room.

Overall, though, I found it doable, so long as I lowered my standards somewhat. :)

And @rudyinparis, I definitely find it easier in some ways when it's just me than if my husband is around to "help". He has a different style than I do, and I feel like he is silently judging me when mine doesn't result in flawless execution (not that his does, but ...) and that makes me cranky and irritable. I alternate (maddeningly -- just ask the man himself) between wanting to snap, "why aren't you HELPING me with this" and wanting him to just BUTT OUT ALREADY.

I tell you, my life would be much simpler if he didn't insist upon having opinions of his own.

[anontoday]

i have 2 girls, aged 23 months and 8.5 months, and i'm having so much trouble with the one thing i thought i'd be more stoic about: fatigue. so boring to write another post on fatigue, but at this point after 2 really tough babies, i'm just so tired of feeling gut-rotty and puffy that i want to scratch my skin off. i'm bored of feeling crappy. and so i feel resentful of the second kid that she won't allow me to feel rested and healthy enough to enjoy the first kid's super cute toddler years, even though all she's doing is behaving exactly like the first did at her age. the dinner bedtime routine is really hard, and i've long ago made my peace with using television to help. i think it's so much more pleasant for my toddler to spend 30 minutes watching a sesame street dvd while i put the baby to sleep than it would be for her to cry in her crib alone for 30 minutes while i got the baby organized. i'll be honest: this period in my life is just about impossible, and i'm running on the assumption that it will a lot more fun when i'm walking down the street with a smart, charismatic daughter on either side of me. but i think when you have 2 kids really close together and the second is a tough baby, you're going to be in the trenches for a little while. i'm in the trenches. hopefully i'll be out in a couple of months. i think i love them equally, but at this point i'm too tired to worry about it. i can't imagine that i don't love them equally, considering THEY HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME, TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE PERSONALITY.

[Anonymous4today]

I have two. First, I do believe a sibling is a great gift. And maybe they don't see it that way (although most of the time they do), but when they're grown I think (or hope) they will.

But, I will say, with a HUGE amount of guilt, that I am often afraid of not loving the second one as much. Actually, I am pretty sure I *love* them equally, in terms of "maternal" love, protection, caring, etc. But in terms of "like" and "enjoy," I often find myself not appreciating #2. For one thing, he's way more difficult than my complacent #1 was. He's defiant, and everything is a battle. I find myself so frustrated half the time that I forget how sweet and charming he can be. We have these moments, where we lock eyes, and he smiles, and I feel it...really feel it, that love. But most of the time, it's not the same love-fest that it was with #1. I feel awful about it. And work really hard not to favor the oldest (because believe me, he now has his unlikable moments, too). But I did feel like #2 crowded the party, so to speak. I'm over that part now (over a year later).

I am hoping that as he gets older and I have more one-on-one time with him, things will equalize a little.

To answer the question about being outnumbered. That part was easier than I imagined, but they are also 3 years apart, so I suppose that helps. But my advice to those about to become second-time moms is to GET OUT THERE as soon as you can. The longer you put off that grocery run with both, or Target trip, whatever, the more daunting it will seem. What also helped me is being part of a MOMS Club--they really did the "let me take #1 off your hands for a minute" thing, and forced me to get out in public for social things, which may not seem worth it at first (but really are).

[anon04]

My two are 26 months apart (now almost 4 and 19 months). And only in the last 6 months have I begun to feel the head-over-heels love for #2 that I've felt for my first from day one.

I've always loved #2. It just took a lot more time for me to feel the deep love and connection that I've always had with my first.

[Elle]

My two are 26 months apart, now 16 months and 3.5. I think I got off pretty lucky in terms of logistics -- my second was born in April and the weather was fair. We got out a lot that spring and summer. Almost every day we'd go to our local drop in program where the older one could play safely and I could sit and tend to the baby. The baby could nap in my arms or the stroller. Same thing with going to the park. We'd have picnic lunches and walk home around 1:00. Both kids would fall asleep in the stroller and I would carry them in and put them down for simultaneous afternoon naps. I felt like mother of the year when it all worked!

In the autumn pre-school saved me, the baby could have at least one good morning nap since my daughter was at school for the morning 4 days a week, then after lunch I'd let her watch a show while I put the baby down. Sometimes she'd nap, sometimes she wouldn't. Somehow we got through it. There were some truly awful days, when they kept waking each other up say, making each other crakier all the while. When I felt myself losing it, that meant it was time to get outside for a while.

My main advice for kids a couple years apart is get a really good double stroller and get out of the house!! Find somewhere to hang out where your older one can play safely and there are some other moms to keep you company/help each other out with babies. Everything is worse when you are doing it at home alone in isolation.

[Elizabeth]

The idea that I won't be able to love another baby as much as my first isn't actually my main worry. I am more concerned that I would love my first less because I love the baby stage.

[twoundertwo]

I have two boys, 17 months apart, and can respond to both parts of the question.
I. "If there's anyone who truly doesn't love their second (or later) child as much as the first, could you comment on it anonymously?": YES but just at first. I spent the hospital recovery time honestly quite resentful of boy2 -- my BABY (Boy1) was at home, wondering why mommy was away and I was stuck at the hospital with this stranger (Boy2). I didn't think Boy1 was cute, wasn't too interested in getting to know him, and just kind of wish I could have rolled back the clock 9 months and avoided getting to that point. If Boy2 had had to stay an extra night for jaundice, I think I would have left him there just to get home to Boy1 where I belonged. Fortunately, this only lasted a week at most - by the time I'd spent a few quite nights alone with Boy2, I grew pretty fond of him and when I realized what a truly peaceful, quiet little guy he was, I fell madly in love. Now, I have no preference for either boy -- honestly. I absolutely adore both of them and am so happy for Boy2's accidental conception.
II. "how to keep the older one calm and happy while they got the baby to sleep". Sleep wasn't our issue as much as feeding was. Boy2 never got an uninterrupted feeding until the wee small hours of the night. Entertaining Boy1 was impossible -- I'd try to turn him onto a toy or something but nothing occupied him for more than a few minutes -- so I'd pull Boy2 off the boob, redirect Boy1 and then try to pick up with Boy2... Other than having help around, I have no advice except to remind yourself that everything gets better with age and that maternity leave has an end to it.

[rudyinparis]

Ah, yes, Jan, your spirit has been broken! {evil laughter, rubbing hands together}

BTW--I'm hoping your husband is doing well these days. My best to you and your family.

[SnarkyMommy]

Donnybrook -- raising hand.

My son was three weeks shy of 2 when my daughter was born. She is almost 7 months now and I really don't think we hit our stride until she was about four months old. Those first four months were HARD. My husband travels for work four days a week, so he is gone three nights. That's three 24-hour periods where I am the sole parent.

I breastfeed, so that has an impact on my response, just FYI. What I did in those early days (which were in the dead of winter) was try to do as much one-on-one time as I could with the 2yo while the newborn slept. While I breastfed her, I would usually have him sit next to me on the couch and watch a Sesame Street video. Forget the advice to sleep when they sleep, because with two, they almost never sleep at the same times anyway.

Looking back on it, it's all a little fuzzy. I was exhausted (still am, as the baby is still waking multiple times per night for the boob) but it just became the new normal. My savior was indoor play places (Gymboree) that I could take the 2yo for running-around and roughhousing while the baby slept in the sling. I can't recommend a good carrier or sling enough. It will keep you sane and keep your hands free for the toddler.

We went through a lot of hitting of the baby by the toddler, a little jealousy and there were times when everyone was in tears at once. The best advice I got is if they're both crying, tend to the toddler first because he or she will remember it. The baby won't remember crying for a few minutes.

[Kat]

I just have to say... I am a lousy parent. I rarely if ever stick to a bedtime routine, I use the TV as a babysitter, Golly Bless Bob the Builder. My kids dont get a bath every night and sometimes if its hot they wear just diapers to bed. AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY!!! i love them both, but one thing I have found for myself... I give myself a break from guilt and stop to enjoy them.. their funny habits... their laughs... and the fact that they dont judge me on the clothes that I wear or that there are dirty dishes in the sink. This is not something that came naturally to me and It took me a long time to get to this point. Sometimes I fall off the waggon and Channel Martha Stewart. Loves grows so do the diches and piles of luandry... and it is good

[AnonInArkansas]

I have two boys, four years apart.

And I like #2 more.

#1 is just. like. me. -- warts and all -- so he and I have clashed a LOT since he's been born. He wasn't necessarily high-needs (he could be easily soothed and slept like a champ) but he did have what I know NOW (15 years later) are sensory issues and I had unrealistic expectations of how a child "should be." His was a frustrating childhood, for both of us, and I think that affected our bonding to our detriment. I love him beyond measure, don't get me wrong, but getting along with him is a struggle and always has been.

#2 and I, however, just clicked. I know a lot it's because I was a more experienced mom, but a lot is also his personality. He's a lot like my father, very easy-going. And he was a mama's boy from day one -- which after having a child that preferred everyone BUT me, was, frankly, a little bit of an ego boost.

[Andrea2]

I'm 12weeks pregnant with #2, which will be 22months behind #1.

These comments scare the living crap out of me. I'm terrified I will never love #2 as much as #1 (add into it the fact that I want, no, NEED another boy and if its a girl I will be devastated. Horrible of me to say, I know, but that's the way I feel). From the sounds of it, it took a lot of parents a long time to fall in love with their second. #1 has some medical issues (nothing crazy or lifethreatening, just annoying GI stuff that still really stresses me out) so he's been difficult, and the thought of adding a baby who I might NOT LOVE into the mix maxes me want to roll the clock back 12 weeks and just avoid this altogether.

Yikes.

[caro]

About the advice to tend to the oldest one first when there's a choice advice ... I just wanted to throw out that for some kids doing the opposite is better. My older daughter (27 months apart) is very sensitive to noise and emotions, and the sound of the baby crying or fussing made her so anxious and riled up that she *couldn't* be soothed or satisfied until the baby was calm too. It only took me a few months to figure that one out.

[anon38]

Sort of off topic but still on topic - I have twin boys so I guess there wasn't the worry of knowing one first and wondering how to incorporate the other. But, one of my boys was a little more high maintenance than the other so it worked out that I was always the one that "took" him and my husband "took" the easier one... over time, that just perpetuated itself as we each knew "our" boy and how to best comfort him so we kept doing this.

What that means is that I have a bit stronger connection to the one I took care of more frequently and my husband to the one he did. I can honestly say I love them both so much (luckily they are very different so I can love them for different reasons so it is hard to quantify if there is more love for one than the other). That said, I still feel a stronger connection to the one I took care of more frequently. And I think same goes for my husband and also the boys with us.

Now that they are preschoolers, we are trying to spend more individual one on one time with each of them (i.e., my husband with one and me with the other and now we are hard core about keeping track and keeping it even over time). I'm hoping that means the connection will even out more over time.

[Mandy]

I was terrified of how complicated being a mom of two would be, because I had no help after the first couple of days. My husband meant to take two weeks off, only to have to return to work the next Monday. :(

We got through it, and it actually wasn't too bad. I tried to keep my daughter's schedule (she turned three a few months after his birth) as close to normal as possible, and having her in preschool a couple of hours a week helped too. The newborn really could sleep through most things, and one of the big blessings was that my second was much less sensitive to noise than she was. Even now he sleeps through most of what she can come up with.

Sometimes, though, I'd find myself rocking with them both - her crying because she didn't want to go down for nap, him crying because he was a newborn. It happens.

There was a sense of loss over no longer having the only child relationship with my daughter - she'd been my sidekick and I knew now there would be a different dynamic. It's worked out really well though. I was awed with how much I fell in love with my son as well, and while they are totally different people I truly love them both immensely.

The hardest part for us, actually, was when my son was 12 days old and hospitalized for pneumonia. He spent 8 days in the ICU. There was no choice for me, I was a nursing mom and we thought we were going to lose him -I stayed with him those 8 days and only saw my daughter when she was brought to visit. That was hard, hard, hard and by far the worst thing we went through.

And here we are, on the other side, doing ok. It's one of those things you just do, day by day and sometimes minute by minute.

[anon38]

Sorry, one more comment/observation to add. Again, since I have twins I can only comment from my perspective. I didn't love my boys when they first came out. It took time to bond with them and now I can't imagine loving two little beings any more. So, if I were to have a third child, it would be really hard to truly remember that period before the bonding but I know I'd go through it again - although this time it would be more pronounced to me since I'd have this amazing relationship with my twins to compare it to. Does that make any sense? I guess what I am saying is those of you that have said you didn't love #2 as much when he/she was first born - I'm guessing (and probably projecting based on my own experience) that you probably went through the same thing with #1. Seems like I'm just rambling at this point. Sorry.

[Cecily T]

Oy...yeah, I don't delurk often, although I read every day. I don't have a second yet, but my first is so much work. I see people saying that they spend time with the toddler while nursing or when the baby is sleeping, but what about time for a shower, or cleaning the house, or saying hello to your partner? Do you all just grit your teeth and soldier through for the first year?

My first (13 months now) was and still is a major time-sucker-upper, and I have no idea how to manage her and get the house cleaned/groceries bought/etc. The answer right now (and I realize that I sound spoiled saying this) is that my mom watches V 2x a week for me. One day for cleaning/shopping and one day for home improvement projects right now. But she's warned me that she might not be up to the challenge of a 2nd, especially if #2 is as difficult as #1 is. So, I'm waiting to see. I am afraid that I'll resent #2 just for putting me through the infant torture.

[hush]

As an only child myself, as well as the mother of an only child (by choice), I lack experience in this area. Though it seems to me that the experience of loving a child (a little or even a lot) more than you may love another child is a very common, but also a very taboo experience. Society's expectations about "motherly love" are really over-the-top to say the least, and this kind of honesty freaks people out. So thanks to Moxie for pulling back the veil on this topic, because these kinds of feelings are nothing to be ashamed about.

It's all about how the parents choose to handle their feelings and the concomitant guilt.

It can be incredibly damaging to kids to actually *know* that they are not the favorite child (how terrible it was for the PP who actually heard it from their parents while they were only a child). By the same token, being lied to for years by a parent who deals in denial -- "I love all my kids the same" -- and/or the burden of being told you are the favorite could be just as damaging.

One example that comes to mind is my aunt's relationship with her 2 adult sons. Her favorite phrase whenever she talks about them is, "I raised them both the same, why are they so different?" She is in so much denial & is unable to admit she loves her firstborn (age 27) more than she loves his younger brother (age 24). This fact has been painfully obvious to everyone in the family for years. Older son is now a doctor and younger son is a gas station attendant who does not speak to his mother anymore. No one can blame him, really. She was always more physically affectionate to the older son; always made clear her aspirations for him, and always compared the 2 boys mercilessly.

She has struggled with some demons & bad choices, and has also been dealt some very sad hands in life. Her daughter, born 19 months after her first son, died when she was only a few weeks old. I don't think she ever fully processed the grief, and wasn't able to form very strong emotional bonds with her younger son who came along a year after his sister's death.

This is my long-winded way of saying please don't engage in denial about these kinds of feelings. Let's be honest with ourselves about our emotions. Find out where the feelings come from and what can be done, because as with so many personal challenges, if you don't deal with it, you'll probably be dealt with.

[Jessica]

Wow, this post couldn't be more timely for me. I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second (a boy!), who will be 26 months younger than our first son, and the thing I've been worrying most about is BEDTIME! And here are 40+ comments about just that! And it's great advice; just what I needed. I love this blog. :)

Am I the only one who is afraid that I will love #2 MORE than #1?

It took me a VERY long time to bond with #1. I realize now (at almost-22-months) just how deep my feelings for this amazing kid go, but it took a long time to get there. I already feel more connected with #2 than I did with #1 until he was several months old. I have my visions of peaceful nursing sessions (I formula-fed #1, also related to the above problems). I picture him sleeping in a bassinett beside me. I picture holding him while I read to #1. And I have no frame of reference because #1 didn't get a lot of that until he was older.

Admittedly, I really really want a daughter, and I did feel a flash of disappointment upon confirmation that this will be another boy (we already suspected), but at the same time, I'm so excited to have brothers so close in age. I just have a brother, and my husband just has a sister, so we're both thrilled to have two of the same gender to start with. (My husband wants 4 kids. I say the jury's still out.)

Anyway, I thank you all so much for the comments about see-sawing like, and I take to heart the notion that since they are individuals, I will love them individually. I have no doubt that is the case. But I still harbor a lot of regret that I missed out on so much of #1's early babyhood because I just didn't care about him that much.

[r+k+mama]

I have a girl (3 on Sunday) and a boy (8mo) that are 27 months apart. For me the love came differently for each. With my daughter (unplanned and resented during pregnancy) it was immediate and total infatuation. I was obsessed with her. She was beautiful. Perfect. No flaws that I could see (but were of course there). I WOTH after her and it was such a painful time of my life. I ached to see her every night. With my son (planned and very much wanted) it came slow. His head was shaped funny, he cried all the time, he never seemed happy. I saw ALL his flaws. It was slow going and not as intense but we got to the same place as my daughter and I shared. I now SAH and to say I look forward to time away from the kids is a gross understatement.
For me, it came down to *like*. When my daughter's being a brat I like my son better. When my son can't be consoled I like my daughter better. And some days I like my cats better than both of them. I dig the seesaw thing- that's very much how it is here.
To sum up: it was never a question of love. With both, it came and it was beautiful and I can't imagine (for myself) loving one more than the other.
As a daughter, it was very clear my mom loved me the least (I'm 4/5) and it was sad for me. It hurt as a child and it hurts now. She never said "I love you the least" but actions speak volumes people, so make a conscious effort not to allow the favoritism to show through. (I'm not at all saying you're not allowed to have that feeling- just be aware of it's impact on both/all your kiddos.)
I can't offer much advice on dealing with bedtimes. Now it's fairly smooth sailing but it was UNGODLY hard for the first 4-5 months. The best advice I've read so far is "get used to crying". Others have found it to be not too bad but for us it was terrible but we made it through with most of our bodyparts intact :). It was esp. hard because by nature I'm not a half-asser and I had to learn to be one to get the kids down and there is no shame in that-It's actually a rather useful survival tool;0).

[carabeth]

I haven't had time to read the other comments yet, so I hope I'm not repeating.I have a 4yo girl and a 2yo boy. I was worriedthat I wouldn't get enough time for the second one, and in a way I didn't but it felt ok to me because the time i did get, i could spend simply enjoying this little boy, whereas with the first everything was coloured by the my own overwhelmedness at being a mom. i was a baby wearer, so i felt like this little guy didn't mpact my daughter and my time too much at first, and so we were lucky to have a nice transition.

[sue]

r*k*mama -
I have a theory that unplanned children are much calmer and easier to please than planned children. My first (a girl, 4yo) was very much planned for - we tried for a year to conceive her. She was, to put it mildly, challenging. In fact, she was SUCH terrible infant that I was really relieved when she hit the toddler phase. Our ped. recommended buying "Raising your Spirited Child" when she was only 4 months old - I have to say, it's come in handy. It took me 18 months to really really bond with her (she STRONGLY preferred my husband, I had PPD, etc etc) My son, 17 mo, was a happy accident ( we had been planning a second, hadn't gotten up the nerve yet, and had an "oops" baby) and is a mellow, joyful child. Of course, now that's he's a toddler, he has gotten more difficult, but all in all, he and I just click better. I love my daughter, but she and I are a LOT alike, so play off each other's moods.