Becoming a single mom

Jennifer writes:

"I'm a new reader but not a mom. I'm considering the single mom route and was wondering if you had suggestions for good references for going about it. I've read a little bit but since this is such a scary topic, I haven't done much research yet. Mainly, I was looking for a place to start learning. In particular, I'm interested in the actual process of finding donors and then the impact on the resulting kids."

Good questions! I have no answers. But I'm positive someone in the crowd does, and is going to have great suggestions for places to start reading and talking to people.

One thing I do know is that if you live in a bigger city, there's probably a support group for single moms in your area. You might be able to contact them and see if you could talk to some people in real life about the single mom experience, whether they did it with a donor, or adoption, or started up as part of a couple and ended up single.

Good luck with your journey!

Readers? Where should she start?

Comments

[electriclady]

Check out the book Knock Yourself Up by Louise Sloan (http://knockyourselfup.com/Home.html). It's a great guide to single motherhood and has lots of women's stories, resources, etc. It's focused on becoming a single mom through pregnancy, not adoption, so if you're considering using a donor it would be a good place to start for you--talks about how to do it, pros and cons, etc.

[electriclady]

Sorry, that link is a little messed up:
http://knockyourselfup.com/Home.html

[anon4this]

You should start by meeting some single moms by choice and their grown children, and just hear what they really have to say about it good, bad, and ugly.

I support your choice, but wonder how prudent it is. Just one person's opinion here, really trying not to judge.

Motherhood is a lonely road sometimes, and to choose to go it alone is to take a calculated risk. I'm a single mom NOT by choice (but as a result of my own bad choice in men) and honestly I would not wish the hard times and money troubles on anyone. I worry everyday about how my son is going to turn out without a father figure.

[Kristen]

I am a fake single mom. My husband travels, a lot. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I even get a "break" when he is around and the steady paycheck is also very nice. It is so hard doing it by yourself. I am so impressed with anyone who does it full time. Makes me have a ton of respect for single parents everywhere. It is really hard, those words don't even scratch the surface.
My son is 2 1/2 and starts pre-school tomorrow.

[Marcy]

Make sure you have help. Friends, family, nanny, whatever. You cannot go it alone for the first 6+ months. Unless you happen to have an incredibly happy baby that never cries, you will go nuts. And if you have a baby with colic, well god help you.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be negative, but trying to be realistic. I feel like I hardly survived the first 3-6 months (he's now almost 7 months old) with my son, and that's with a very helpful husband and my mom spending the entire first month after his birth living with us. You WILL need someone to help, because when you're dealing with an infant it's very very very hard to get anything else done (cooking and basic grooming come to mind, and cleaning? HAHAHA). My husband has had to travel some in the past months, and I swear to you every time he was gone for more than about 2-3 days I started to really feel it. I'd start getting frustrated, and depressed, and just had such a hard time coping with the demands of my son. And honestly he's not even that difficult of a baby. It just takes its toll-- needing to be there, to feed,to change, to entertain, to get up at night, and then to try to take care of yourself on top of it... it's a HUGE task.

If you are serious about this, try to arrange to have someone come by every day if possible, for a few hours at least. You will need a break. You will need to have someone to hand the baby off to from time to time. This is essential, at least AT LEAST for the first 3 months, if not longer.

[donor]

I used a donor from a sperm bank called Xytex. It was the sperm bank that the fertility clinic I went to used. I suppose I could have gone with another sperm abnk, there are a few others out there, but this one had a lot of information about the donors - pictures, etc. Of course, you could choose to use someone you know but that opens a different set of issues.

I am a member of donorsiblingregistry.com and there is a message board on Yahoo. Sorry, I don't have the link to that.

The biggest issue with donor kids seems to be when they are lied to about how they are conceived. The ones that are told up front seem to deal with it a lot better and often it isn't an issue at all.

[hedra]

I know someone who considered this route. She opted not to, other than adoption - for her it was the question 'who is this for, the child or me?' that stopped her. She decided it would have to be for both her and the child, and that would (for her) mean adoption (because she was more resonant with 'raising A child' than 'raising MY child (biologically)' and she felt that bringing a child into the world intentionally with one parent only was a bit unfair, but giving a child already here who had no parents at least one parent - through adoption - was a gift... granted, she has that kind of logic, and I'm not saying it is unassailable, it's just where she landed). When she looked into it, the issues with single-parent adoption were bigger than she could face, and she instead decided to mourn the possibilities and carry on without kids.

Another friend chose to keep her son who was conceived unexpectedly with someone she has never even seen again (youth+alcohol+foreign country...), and carry on as a single parent. It was a matter of 'stay this course' rather than 'choose this course'. She wouldn't have it otherwise (her son is now a junior in high school), even though it was REALLY hard. Some of the plusses from her side of the experience (compared to having become a single parent later): While it is intensely hard at times, there is no loss associated, so the expectations are different. It was easier for her (compared to some of her single-mom friends who had exes) to handle asking for help - no politics, no inter-family issues, no visitation/custody issues, no angst, no anger, no heartbreak. She could easily and without remorse or guilt invite her male friends to serve as male role models for her son, and while she was very careful about relationships, she didn't have any post-traumatic relationship issues, therapy needs, and so forth that are a common necessity of post-divorce families. It was still hard, but ... she had good resources, socially and family-wise. That made it possible. Her son is well grown, wonderful, stable, talented, smart... everything one might want, really. She's now married and has two step-daughters as well, though she intentionally chose to not even consider marriage before her son reached a certain age - she needed to know it wasn't to prop up her parenting or make her feel 'safe', but to actually be married.

Another single-mom by choice mom I know did foster care first, and ended up adopting a set of sisters. She also would not go back, accepts that it is hard, is glad that she never EVER had to consider the other partner's attitudes/issues/needs, and is sorry she never had the leavening of a different perspective. She has to find work that is highly flexible, to accomodate both pick-up and drop-off schedules for school, sick kid days, special needs appointments, etc. Her hours fluctuate more than mine do, and I have twice as many kids - but I have someone else to share the load with, too. If someone has to come to the house to fix something, she has to be there to open the door. There's no swapping off (though that's probably obvious). She would not change it - she powerfully believes these kids were always hers in soul, they just came to her through another mother. It always has been the right choice for her, and she doesn't spend much time moping about the challenges - it is the way it always has been and the way she knew it would be when she adopted them. Eyes wide open, not much of this is a surprise (some of the health issues are, but those would have been for anyone).

If you've got that kind of feeling, that there's someone waiting, who needs you to be their mom, then you do. :shrug: I am not going to judge. Which way you make the choice is obviously your own.

Do definitely talk to single-parent-by-choice parents with GROWN kids, as well as those at different stages along the way. Because even with spouses, there are times when many of us would not advise anyone else to follow our path! Yet, with time, the answers change, and change again. My mom, for example, who had seven kids, and who at times regretted that fact, and would not have repeated it if given a chance at some times in our lives... but who in the end (once we were all adults) would do every second over again, not for her, but for all of us. Every awful moment, every sleepless night, everything again. That's the long-term perspective you need - is it worth it? Is it too hard, or just godawfulbloodyhard? Am I really choosing this knowing what I'm headed for? Do I have the resources personally, professionally, socially, familialy? View the lessons through that lens as well as the short-list ones.

As for specific resources, I can't point to any off-hand. I will check around, but I'm sure Google will help as much as anything I could add.

[hedra]

You know, you didn't really need to know any of that - I'm sure you're already well past that level of self-assessment, or you wouldn't be asking Moxie...

So, stick with the last paragraph - sorry I can't point to another resource for you. I hope whatever route you end up with is one that works out well for you.

[Erin]

I'm a single mother by choice of twin girls and I love it. It is far more rewarding than I ever could have guessed it would be. Yes it's difficult, but you do what needs to be done. I'm lucky to have a well paying job that is flexible but really, if you want it badly enough, you make it work.

I read the book "Buying Dad" which really helped illuminate the process. I would highly recommend looking around the internet for other women trying to conceive (ttc) with donor sperm. Most are lesbian blogs, but they still have the info you need. I also recommend "Choosing Single Motherhood" by Mikki Morissette. It really walks you through all of the questions you need to ask yourself.

[Jan]

Can I just say that I LOVE the book title "Buying Dad"? Awesome.

Please know that I'm fully aware that I'm sort of talking out my ass here, but I'm going to disagree with the don't-do-it-it-would-be-sooo-hard type of advice. Maybe.

Not to say that it mightn't be the way @Marcy describes -- depressing and frustrating and I'm certainly not claiming there's no way that you will go nuts. But I think that's dependent upon a lot of things other than whether you're a single parent.

The things that drove me crazy when my babies were tiny, were not about the babies. It was having my mom puttering around in my kitchen, tsk-tsking about unwashed dishes and unbalanced meals. It was my husband's need for reassurance (preferably via S-E-X, if you please) that he was still important to me. Me and the baby (and, second time 'round, the big sister)? We were fine.

My husband sleeps like the dead (when he was home -- he worked 24-hour shifts when our first was a baby) and is somewhat uninterested the care and feeding of babies at the infant stage. I'm practical (to a fault, I suppose) and was a blossoming new-baby addict. The upshot is that I did all the night-time stuff (I just never saw the logic behind making him get up if I had to be up anyway to nurse). I never felt like I was going crazy (though the transition from one kid to two was rocky) and I daresay the nighttime stuff was easier on the nights he was gone, because at least if I wanted to turn on the lights or watch TV I wasn't going to be disturbing him.

Knowing what I know now, I'd have done it alone in a heartbeat. I'd have a third, too, probably, if I didn't have that pesky spouse insisting on having an OPINION about things all the time.

[Julie]

I agree with Jan. And sometimes, like Jan points out, the husband can sometimes be an additional person to care for....and in the early months you don't need that, nor do you need the resentment that goes along with it. If you feel in your heart you have a child out there somewhere, then I say go for it. Good luck.

[Jac]

I am going to concur with Jan. Being a parent is hard no matter what. Sometimes really really hard in a "what the hell have I done with my life" kinda way. But that's true even with a partner. When my DS was born my husband was travelling a LOT. And everyone was so sympathetic because I was doing it on my own. But the truth was I found it easier when he was away. If baby went to bed at 8, I could go to bed at 8 without feeling like I had to talk to someone. I didn't have to pretend to care about how his day was when all I wanted to do was a) talk about the baby and b)sleep. My husband was really uncomfortable with co-sleeping, but when he was away I did it - which got me through many a rough night. Since he was pretty useless at all things infant it was just easier for me to do it myself.

[lainey]

Motherhood is such an amazing experience, I'd hate for someone to miss out on it just because she lack's a partner. Good luck!

[Fahmi]

Right after my son was born, I read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. While I wasn't a single parent, and she was, I found it interesting reading - and I spent portions of it thinking, "Wow. I would totally go crazy if I had to this by myself, and there she is doing it, and still having a sense of humor!" As others have said, make sure you have a lot of help. And it seems like father figures don't have to be spouses - it can be your brother, your best friend, etc.

And ditto on how having spouses sometimes is just another person to worry about and take care of.

[hedra]

Jan and Julie's comments remind me of one of the moms in my MOMs club (multiples), who had spontaneous quads. Yep, quads. And within 2 months of their birth, kicked the dad out and went it alone from there on. Because when she counted it up at the end of the day, she could either care for 4 other people, or 5. Four was the sane option. She took it on as a job, and lined up help, and just did what needed doing. She made no apologies for it. There just wasn't the luxury of feeling bad over it - it was survival. I'll say that once she made that choice, she not only survived better, but thrived, as do her kids, by all measures (despite the prematurity issues).

Anyway, maybe that puts some perspective on it, too. ;) One baby, eh, no problem! Even two, which (as noted by Erin) does indeed happen... doable. Sometimes what doesn't work well is the other stuff, indeed.

[lolismum]

I am with Jan too. I know a "single by choice" mom who has difficult periods, but has enjoyed being a single mom immensely. I know a " single because of an asshole ex husband" mom who is miserable due to custody issues and I know many many married moms, like Jan, who find it difficult to cope with the relationship, rather than the kids. The expectations are different, more complicated when you have a partner. You have help, but you have a source of immense frustration too. One important thing about having a partner is that whatever state the relationship between you and him is, you know there is someone else in the world who will love and care for your child should something happen to you. So be prepared, do your homework, save some money, line up help in the form of friends, family, hired help and make share you have special person who will take care of your child should something happen to you and then just go for it and enjoy it. This parenting business is ridiculously hard, but it's also amazing. Be open with the child about where and how they came into your life (adoption or donor sperm). As long as you love them and show them that love, they will thrive.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Another thing to ponder...

I've been a SAHM and a WOHM (and a WAHM). The hardest times (relative to the child) were when I was home. The 24-ness of it really hits you when you are alone for extended periods of time with a child (such as when previous posters' husbands were traveling).

As a single mom, you will (obviously) need to work. And have childcare (whether you WOH or WAH). You will get a break. Someone will share some of the load with you. You may even have a lunch hour to yourself to eat, read a blog, take a nap, get a hair cut, etc.

[Anna]

I'd like to echo the previous posters in that fear of how freaking hard parenthood can be isn't necessarily a reason not to have a child.

After all, it's kind of a crap shoot (no pun intended, really!), isn't it?

I have a friend who functions essentially as a single parent much of the week (firefighter husband who works out of town) with a newborn and a 3 year old and thinks it's easy. She has those kinds of kids that actually sleep.

On the other hand, if I had heard MY OWN parenthood stories before I'd gotten pregnant, I would have made my husband put on that darn condom before coming within 10 feet of me. "Fresh hell" as Moxie says, every week! But also so, so lovely in so many ways. Now that I am here, I couldn't go back, don't want to go back.

And I'd hate to tell anyone to take a pass on that loveliness just because they don't have a partner during that critical window of fertility we have to work with.

And as to your question, Jennifer. The one you ACTUALLY wanted help with? Sorry, I've got nothing better than the other posters...

[flea]

There's a National Organization for Single Mothers ("by choice or by chance") that has a fairly extensive website with essays, lists of blogs, message boards, and such. IMO the site is ug-lee, but seems like a good clearinghouse of information. http://singlemothers.org/

If I were planning to have a child alone, before I met with the RE I'd meet with my financial planner. Of course, that's probably the first person you should meet with if you're planning to have a child with a partner as well.

[Toni]

This is what I told my sister: go for it! But make sure you live close to good friends who will help. Even with a partner, you need friend/family who can provide both minor help (making you laugh, listening, bringing food for dinner) and major help (like coming over in the middle of the night or driving you to the ER).

I have no advice on logistics. A friend is a SMC, but she got pregnant unexpectedly at 42... Her daughter is now 3 and has always been very happy, charming, bright, etc.

Being a parent is hard, and tiring at first, but it's also more wonderful than I ever imagined!

[Jennifer]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and comments. This has been a very hard spot to come to and make a decision about. I will be checking out the books and websites suggested.

Motherhood is something I don't want to miss out on. Unfortunately, my family history is of an early onset of menopause (40). I will be consulting with an OBGYN this October about the accuracy of this. Then I will know if I need to pursue adoption.

I do work FT and am currently finishing up my Masters so I can be a librarian. I have until next summer to save an plan for a child because I should be done with school by that point.

thanks again, and I'm very glad my friend pointed out this site to me.

[Amy]

If you decide to pursue adoption, I know that the agency I used to adopt our baby girl (last week!!) has a support group for single parents, and I would bet that other reputable agencies have the same.

I want to second the suggestion to read Operating Instructions. Again, I'm not a single parent, and wasn't a parent when I read it, but it's a great read.

[Sam]

I know of some blogs that are written by SMBC.
http://creatingmotherhood.com/
http://soulbliss.blogspot.com/
http://sarah-solitaire.blogspot.com/

The last link has a section in her sidebar of SMBC blogs. I'd ask one of these bloggers, many of them would be happy to answer questions or point you in the right direction.

[enu]

Ooooh, another soul lost to the Dark Side (librarianship!)

Some advice. Wait until you've been in your new position a year before having/adopting baby. You want to be covered by FMLA (assuming you're in the US.) You need to work 12 months before you are covered. I found this out the hard way - not with a baby, there WAS no FMLA when I had babies - but by getting diagnosed cancer the week I started my current job. Bad idea!

Also, some employers cover part of adoption expenses. This is also a great perk. Mine does, not that I'm interested!

Best wishes!

[p]

You can absolutely do this! I think it sounds like a thoughtful, intelligent choice. Single parent families can be some of the sweetest, most connected, and most intimate around.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think the whole "parenting-is-HARD" broken record goes a *little* bit too far sometimes. You'll undoubtedly encounter skeptics, and when they start to get you down, just remember: people have been doing this since the beginning of time, and these days, we have more resources and knowledge and options than ever before.

Good for you.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

This is somewhat redundant to what's been said before, but there's a HUGE difference between being a single mother by choice (SMBC) and a single mother through divorce or other circumstances. So much so that SMBC groups generally exclude people who didn't CHOOSE single parenthood. Some of the issues are vastly different. Some are the same (struggles for time, money, self) but without the resentment that often accompanies "forced" single motherhood.

My friends - male and female - who are single parents by choice (and I have many) don't regret their choice. (I would have joined them but was lucky enough to find a partner - but when I found her I was already laying plans for having a child on my own if circumstances dictated so.) They have good days and bad days, but they are fundamentally so happy to have their child(ren).

As others have said, assess your resources, but don't put money above all else. A strong network of support (family and/or friends) is incredibly important, wheras there are options for family building in a variety of financial circumstances. Every option has advantages and disadvantages.

Another useful resource is The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth by Kim Toevs and Stephanie Brill. While the focus is on lesbians the information contained within is really relevant and useful for ANY woman considering pregnancy with donor sperm. It examines medical, legal, emotional and financial issues and really provides a great breadth of information.

Good luck and I hope your journey to parenthood is short and sweet!

[marci]

i'm a single-parent-by-getting-preggers-unexpectedly-by-one-of-two-people-but-haven't-cared-to-find-out-which-yet. i live in a duplex with my mother & grandmother. it's not a bad way to go. you should definitely consider family or family by choice to help. i've also thought of living with a girl friend, maybe also in a duplex (nice to have some privacy when you want it, nice to not be alone). my son was very premature, which is a whole 'nother ball of wax, but i haven't figured out how to go back to work yet. anyway, it's messy and wonderful and great not to have to raise a child *and* a partner and scary to think about shaping someone with little other input. i *did* do the will and unfunded trust and financial planner stuff. sometime i'll get the paternity kits from walmart, but it doesn't matter to me who - it just might be important to my son.

anyway, i was thinking of having a baby with a donor or friend or adopting when this happened, so i think this was supposed to be.

[anontoday]

Single mom by chance here, going it alone. I don't for a second regret my choice- I cannot imagine ever choosing anything else! It's hard. Some things that I didn't know enough to consider when I chose to welcome B into my life:

1) lolismum said it: you *MUST* know who would care for your child if something happened to you. Not just if you died, but if you were disabled, sick for a while, etc. Talk with people about it. Don't make any assumptions like "my sister would take the baby". Plan on re-opening that conversation often and be prepared to change your person over time as life evolves. Every parent thinks about it, but it will haunt you in a different way than it does partnered mothers, unless (even if) you have a really strong plan.

2) If you have ever longed for a man in your life, that feeling doesn't begin to compare (at least for me) with the longing you might have for your child to have a father. Not every SM I know feels this way, and some have felt liberated from a need to look for a man. I haven't felt that, but I see how my son watches other kids' dadas on the playground, even at 20 months old, and it hurts to see. He spends at least 15 hours a week with his young, vibrant, loving grandpa, and another 10 with his granddaddy, and even more with uncles and other male friends, and several visits a week with his dada. But still, there is that moment when he looks hungrily at an adored uncle and a cousin swoops in to claim *her* dada - and my son's quiet thoughtful sadness just hurts to the core.

3) Make sure you have a support system and strong friends to help. That said, who you are friends with will probably change, unless you are already friends with other single moms. Friends who swore they would be there for you night and day will disappear into their own lives awfully quickly sometimes. They will find you boring and tired and just miss your old self. And then some people whom you never imagined coming through for you might be magically there on your doorstep every Tuesday night with takeout.

4) It is lonely in a whole new way. Be prepared for this. Lonely as in, you are watching the most beautiful sunset of your life on the most glorious beach of your life and you just want to lean over to someone and say "isn't it beautiful?" but there's no one there. Other people may appreciate your child, but probably not really in the same besotted insane over the top, I-will-never-get-bored-of-talking-about-how-great-he-is sort of way.

5) it is hard to be alone when things are scary. As in, you are up at 3 am with a limp sweaty child with high fever, and need help deciding if you should go to the ER and you're just hoping he doesn't seize while you call the doctor.

6) You will need friends who are single moms without partners. The single-mom-by-divorce experience is often hugely different, in that they are dealing with loss and change and negotiations with exes, and this is a central part of their single-mom-ness, at least for a while. They probably didn't do the infant stage on their own. Their child has probably bonded with another parent. They may have custody issues, and probably they also have some free weekends or at least evenings, and likely some child support. Whereas you will be dealing with opposite problems really- wanting some free time away from your child, and being the sole breadwinner and primary caregiver at the same time. Also most of my partnered friends who talk about being "like a single mom" because their partners don't come through cannot begin to understand what it means to parent on your own. A few nominally partnered friends really do seem to go it alone without another salary or help or a sense their child will be loved madly by the other person if they died. They do get it.

7) It will be easier if you foster a sense of pride about financially supporting your child and yourself, and any other caregivers, from your own salary. As a professional, I was surprised to find that my unconscious script of me as nurturer was really still entirely about being a stay-at-home mom. I couldn't connect with any personal pride about being the only breadwinner, just a feeling of practical necessity and deep loss/separation for me and my son. I had to watch my brother head off to work a few times, with a slightly puffed chest and an air of importance, telling his kids he was going to work in order to take care of the family, before I realized this. I have begun to re-frame "working to support my family" as a deeply caring, nurturing, "motherly" role for me. It isn't so much a conflict with my mothering, as part of it. But this has been a hard place to get to for me. Because of this, I find I have as much in common with sole-breadwinner moms (partnered or otherwise) as I do with single moms who might have other financial supports.

8) Live near family if you can, unless they are certifiably insane or mean or unable to be reliable. Just plain drives-you-nuts crazy would probably still be worth it.

9) Budget for a night nanny at least once a week for at least a month after the baby arrives, better for three if you can. Consider hiring a live-in who is willing to help with nights.

10) It's all worth it, every moment. I am so glad I chose to take the leap.

[Anon due to topic]

I don't mean to be Debbie Downer here, but as soon as I was done with my c-section and in hormone hell, I was so happy I had my husband to help me with the crazy mesh panties they give you and those small things you have to do... Like PEE! Then when my 9 pound healthy baby went into the NICU, I was a wreck, and without him, I would have fallen apart. (I really did fall apart anyway. Try sobbing in the shower after leaving the NICU for an hour.)
I remember thinking to myself, thank GOD I am not doing this alone.
Why do I remember that now? I'm not sure.
Now that I have gone through three visits to the ER in the past 7 months with three life threatening situations with my child, I am glad there was someone so intimately involved and there for me after I got through the stoic first hour. Then, I realized the kid would be ok, and then crumbled. (I manifest all of my stress in my gut, and it's nice to have someone to hold the kids hand while you are totally getting sick in the bathroom.)
It's wonderful you feel the calling, and I'm wishing you all of the love you need to make it happen. Really. I just want you to know I would have had real problems on my own, looking back.
Good luck.

[Maura]

One of my dear friends had twins (!!!) as a single mother by choice -- she joined a Single Mothers By Choice group in her area. They had great email support groups, in-person support groups, etc. Lots of practical help, advice, support, and even donations of fertility drugs!!!

I'm 37 now and still single. Hoping it's not too late for me. I may go the SMBC route, but I'm worried that I'm too late now entirely!

(Anyone have a nice single guy in the CT/NYC area to recommend to a cool liberal blogging chick???? Surely one of you have a nice brother in law to set up...kawl me!)

[hedra]

@anontoday, that was lovely, powerful, potent information. I can see so much of that one friend (the one with the almost-fully-grown son) in what you wrote.

We were part of that choice-family for my friend, the people who would take her son as our own if she were to die (and she has agreed to take on our FOUR in like circumstances - note this is NOT necessarily a reciprocal arrangement, and only became a rational one recently, so we changed our selection accordingly). Her son recently cornered me and said, 'hey, if you want to go out any night just to have time alone or away from the kids or to have a date with ep, call me. You did that for my mom when I was a baby, it was really important to her, I'd like to return the favor.' Those connections can make loops. It's pretty darn cool.

My friend also felt that yearning for her son to have a father, and the hole where he did not. At 20 months, it was a raw wound, and she drafted a lot of single/childless male friends to take point on that in series - and she was serious about it, it could not be spotty, it was a permanent relationship if they decided to take it on. I think FIVE men did, and continue to stop by to visit, call, send gifts, take him out for pizza, show up at events, and so forth. Still, not 'daddy', just 'uncles'... and at 5 years, it recurred again as dads showed up at kindergarten for special events, in the same painfully wistful way. By 7 or 8, it was a non-issue - he took pride in the fact that his mom was his sole support and guide for quite a while; at puberty it was just kind of a sore/tender spot - and at that point he had a step-dad, but step-dad was still less 'my dad' than 'one of the many adult men in my life who I know love me and care for me and help me make my way'. It shifted back and forth, but I do remember the intensity of awareness around 19 months to about 2 maybe 2 1/2. The cataloging of who is mine, and what other families look like and all that. Ouchies. My sympathy. It does wax and wane, though - so I hope this particular painful peak eases by soon for you. At this point, my friend's son is at ease - this has been his life so far, and it has been good and loved and full. He's not asking for more than that.

[Joy]

Okay, this may be hard to say without sounding judgemental or fundamentalist, which is TOTALLY not my intention. I personally know plenty of wonderful single moms (by choice or not) raising well- adjusted, happy kids.

I just keep thinking there is sooo much more a dad contributes than getting up for nighttime feedings and giving Mom a break from time to time, over the course of a child's life. During the baby stages, usually Mom is more involved, yes, but the contributions a dad (or a highly involved, dependable, loving father figure) provides can't be overlooked, in my opinion.

I don't want to be discouraging or anything... just thought I'd throw that out there.

[electriclady]

Oh, you asked about the impact on donor-conceived children--Louise has info on that on her site too (excerpted from her book):
http://knockyourselfup.com/Excerpt%203.html

[anonymous today]

I wish that more single women who desired children would consider adoption as a better alternative. There are so many kids out there who desperately need a mom. Providing children who are already out there with a parent makes so much more sense than sperm donors.

I hear, and understand the desire for a biological child, but I believe there can be just as great a bond with an adopted child, it just may take longer. Or it may happen just as naturally as if you carried the pregnancy. It's never predictable.

Now on to the other point. I think people are vastly underestimating the value of a dad, and of the emotional turmoil of going it alone. I truly with the questioner the best of luck with her decision, and mean no wrong by what I am saying.

[Marcy]

After re-reading my comment, and some of the ones that came after, I want to clarify something. I did not mean to dissuade you from doing this. As others have said, children and motherhood is amazing and it seems a shame that so many women (and men) feel they must miss out just b/c they haven't found a suitable partner to do it with. There are many other people who can be perfectly wonderful father figures out there. Hell, probably even better than many actual fathers are.

I also did not mean to be overly dramatic or frightening or whatever. I realize many mothers out there have a much easier time than I did dealing with a newborn. I also know many other mothers have it much worse. I guess I was just trying to say to be aware of how difficult it can be, and to be prepared. Maybe you won't need all that help and will feel fine handling it all yourself. Or maybe you'll end up battling a child who screams all night long, or who needs to spend a week in the hospital at 2 months old like mine did (meaning I spent a week in the hospital with him), or you come down with baby blues or more serious postpartum depression, or maybe you just happen to get a cold or the flu, or who knows what else, and in any of these scenarios you're probably going to need or at least want some help. Going it alone means you have to be twice as prepared, and so I wanted to stress the need for having that safety net and social network to call on in case you do need them.

I thought my vast experience with children had prepared me somewhat for having a baby, and when reality hit it was stunning. I would never tell someone not to have a baby just because it's hard. But I would try to prepare them for the possibility of how hard it can be, and encourage them to do whatever possible to make it just a bit easier on themselves. I hear so many mothers talking about how they loved every minute with their newborn and make it sound like a breeze, and maybe for them it was, but for many of us it sooo wasn't and so I feel the need to speak up so that others like me don't feel so unprepared and alone (I hope).

I wish you the best of luck with this decision, and with everything that will come after it.

[anonanon]

Thank you to all who have posted both personal experience and thoughts regarding this very sensitive subject.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant through DI (with no husband), I've struggled with thoughts of "What did I do? Did I do the right thing? Was this the most selfish act ever or truly one done out of love?" I am plagued by the uncertainty and guilt. Here I have this most wonderful, amazing boy for whom I would move heaven and earth, yet I will never be able to give him a “dad”. The previous poster's line about her son's "quiet, thoughtful sadness" pierced my heart. On my more rational days I know that life isn't perfect for anyone and he is truly loved and cared for by many people but I still struggle with it. I'm hoping by the time he's old enough to ask about it I've come to better terms with it so that my feelings don't negatively influence his. If I had to do it all over again, I don't know that I'd make the same decision but for the fact that he is who he is and wouldn't be here any other way.

[anontoday]

@hedra, thank you so much. It helps to know the losses wax and wane. I love hearing a story of a family that succeeded (and then some, if you have entrusted this woman for the big what-if with your kids). Mostly thank you for bearing witness to the hurt. That is the most precious gift of all.

[Nancy]

I'm a little late, but wanted to add my comment FWIW. I don't add it to be a downer, but to remind you to not look at this decision through rose-colored glasses. Reality just doesn't work that way.

Be sure to consider the cons as well as the pros. Brainstorm the worst possible (or even seemingly-impossible) outcomes and consider them in your decision-making process. The likelihood that you'll have to deal with any of those is slim, but they're still possibilities.

Even if you have an easy pregnancy and delivery (or adoption), kids can develop health issues that require time, effort and resources to manage. If you're doing this on your own, likely your kid will go to daycare. As I'm currently experiencing, the early months (I've been told up to a year) after they begin daycare they're going to be sick ALL. THE. TIME. (We're completed 6 weeks and have yet to get through a whole week without one or both of the twins get sick with some bug from the other kids. Cold. Flu. Flu #2. Cold. And you'll get sick too. It is not fun when everyone in the household is having a rough night and you don't have backup. DH and I both do what it takes to get through these tough times, but we at least have a 2nd paycheck to fall back on on the days when one of us has to stay home with the girls because they're too sick to go to daycare.

PPD happens. As does depression resulting from the crazy, crazy early weeks and months of new-parenthood. Be ready and monitor yourself. Ask others close to you to help you stay objective.

The whole spontaneous multiples thing has been mentioned already.

Consider also any future relationships you might like to have. There are plenty of men and women who will love to meet and fall in love with someone with a child, but you might need to do more weeding to find them.

Just some "other side of the coin" things to consider. All this said, motherhood is the most amazing experience, and as interested as I was before the girls arrived, there is no comparison to the ocean of love and excitement I feel each day when I'm with them! You can make it work - but make sure you're ready for anything.

[Baby Mama]

I am a single mom by choice of a 5 month old. I used a known donor--a friend of a friend whom I'd seen with a friend's child and who I knew would be respectful of the fact that he's a donor, not a dad, but compassionate and caring when my child is ready to ask those questions about "where did I come from?"

There was a study on children conceived using sperm donors. Most children did go through a period of wanting to know more about their donors. If I remember the study correctly, the children who knew they were conceived using sperm donors from an early age did better than the ones where it was disclosed later. I think this is just the shame or stigma implicit in having family "secrets," whether it's a sperm donor, an alcoholic dad, or that fact that your dad reuses his dental floss.

Yes, being a single parent is really hard. The baby had colic and sleep issues, which is why I checked out Ask Moxie." It's also intensely rewarding and fun! I regret not having a partner to share the joy of parenting with, but I don't regret choosing to have a child--it's the best decision I ever made.

[artsweet]

I'm an adoptive mom, and I wouldn't change that for all the world.

But I have to respond to the false assumptions behind "anonymous today"'s comment. S/he says:

"I wish that more single women who desired children would consider adoption as a better alternative. There are so many kids out there who desperately need a mom. Providing children who are already out there with a parent makes so much more sense than sperm donors."

Why yes, yes it does. So why don't all you partnered, heterosexual folks out there adopt them instead of breeding?

The decision to reproduce instead of adopting is not just about a selfish desire to pass on one's own genes or experience a powerful biological experience.

Let's be honest here - most of us, when we dream of parenthood, don't dream of taking on a child who has already been through a world of hurt in their short life. We don't dream about dealing with prenatal drug and alcohol exposure. There is no shortage whatsoever of adoptive homes for healthy, voluntarily relinquished infants. But the kids who are free and available for adoption and desperately need homes are not the "unblemished" newborns that families facing infertility or women who never found the right partner envisioned themselves with.

The "there are so many kids out there who desperately need a mom" line somehow assumes that by virtue of wanting to be a parent and not having a partner, Jennifer or other SMBC are ready to take on a kid who is going to need a great deal of advocacy and be as demanding if not more, although in a very different way, than a newborn. And that, frankly, is bullshit reasoning - why do people always want to pawn the kids in desperate need of homes off on people whose only "qualification" is the fact that they don't have easy access to sperm or can't get pregnant?

As I said, I'm an adoptive mom. I cannot imagine loving any child more than I love my son. But this "why don't you just adopt a kid who needs a home instead of getting pregnant" suggestion infuriates me. They are apples and oranges. And you shouldn't be forced to eat oranges just because you have a hard time reaching the apple.

[Les]

Hi, I have been a single parent by choice for 6 months now. I do not live close to family, in fact they are about 900 miles away. They came and helped for her birth, but left when she was 3weeks old. I have a few close friends and some friends I made from my mommy group I joined when I was pregnant. I researched and hired a sitter for when I need a break. The past 6 months have been the absolute toughest of my life. I love my daughter dearly, but I do regret having her the way I did. She is beautiful, happy and healthy. I want the absolute best for her. I want her to have a family and to be loved by both her mom and dad. Her father is in the picture he travels alot with his job. He is an outstanding provider and visits when he cans. My new life is completely overwhelming at times, most of the time. Never another set of hands to help for anything. I work fulltime and my commute is 30min each way. I have a daycare close to my job, so I can pop in as much as I can. Not having a partner to help, is extremely hard, everything is on me. All her care is all on me, late night feedings, cleaning, laundry, caring for my home, doctor visits, issues that you do not forsee. It is lonely and exhausting when you have limited help. The one thing I wish that someone would have told me when I was preparing to make this decision is to really think hard on it and if you do, prepare yourself for the biggest impact to your life, emotionally, physologically, physically, mentally and financially(even with help). Having a baby is very hard on your body with the hormones and changes. Once the baby is here, the adjustment at least for me was the hardest thing I ever had to face. The last thing and the most suprizing that no one told me is the Love. With love also brought me wanting to make sure she has the best life I can provide. I know I am enough, but with help and more love and support, I could be better and she deserves the absolute best. Single parenthood is not to be entered into lightly. Babies are a blessing, but they are also souls and will grow into adults one day. Making the choice to bring another human being into a world, this world needs to be made with and done for all the right reasons. Get everything in your life in order, your mental health, finances,get your body physically healthy and really prepare if this is what you choose.

[yiyi.yiyiyi.xu6@gmail.com]

Thanks for the sharing of those article! That will be helpful.*

[amygdala]

I know this is an old thread but I've been reading it because it's very relevant to me right now. I'm a single mom by circumstance but my daughter shares a lot of characteristics with the kids of SMCs. She was conceived when I was in a relationship with another woman, and she has an anonymous donor, and no dad. After our break up (she's now 4, break-up was a year ago), I got desperately fearful about her future and the choice I made to have her with donor sperm. I found that I faced many of the concerns that were addressed earlier in the thread: especially longing for her to have a father now that our family is no longer "in tact". I reached out to a lot of ADULT donor conceived children of lesbians and single mothers and read every book under the sun on the issue. EVERYONE I spoke with told me they were fine with their lives and their conceptions. They are all living successful, normal lives and have no issues at all with their conception, growing up without a dad, living with a single mom, etc. Seriously, I was amazed. I'd somehow convinced myself that EVERYONE else was doing the right thing, but I'd managed to fuck my daughter's life up be simply having conceived her. In fact, I just spoke (not more than 7 minutes ago) with a mother of a 29 year old son who was conceived with anonymous donor sperm. He's happily married, has an infant, is living well and has no issues with his upbringing or conception. I can't say the same about my own life.

Not that I'm suggesting that this route will inevitably produce happy, well-adjusted kids, but it's certainly an option that won't necessarily damage your kids any more than any other loving, marginally functional family constellation.