Wow. Yesterday's post was both wonderful and horrible. I'm thankful for such an outpouring of love and support for me and also for the other commenters, but am horrified by how many things are going wrong for so many people right now.
Since I posted yeterday, another big huge crying-in-the-conference-room thing went wrong in my own life that I'd love to rant about but know would absolutely come back to bite me in the arse if I put it on the internets, and then my friend's best friend had her third miscarriage in a row, this one at 5 months.
I remember going through a period like this last year, in which I felt like I was being stripped of all the things that were important to me. It was rough, but it felt like every place that was emptied, God filled that space and strengthened me. So maybe this is another time, for me and for everyone else, of being stripped down to the essentials and being honed.
Now something I really feel creepy about talking about: A couple of people have emailed me to ask about donating money to me, with a tip jar on this site. I've always been really adamant about this site and this community being free. And I've always felt kind of creepy about a tip jar. Now that I have to buy furniture to sit on, though, I'm tempted. If I did it, I'd leave it up for 2 days, max, and then we'd never speak of it again.
What do you guys think? And, please, be honest. Would you think I'm a horrible, avaricious person? Cheesy and cheap? Or would it not bother you because you'd just ignore it and move on with your day?
I think in the long run, it would be a bigger help to me if you'd email your local newspaper and request that they run a regular being-a-parent column by me. If you do that, would you let me know and then I can pitch them? I would love to be Moxie full-time, but don't want to do it out of your pockets.
In honor of my grandma, who recently died and left me some money, I would give you some. She struggled with depression her whole life, and would really have benefitted from a site like this. Honestly, this is the only site I've ever been on where people aren't arguing and yelling at each other, and at the same time are genuinely supportive, and not at all in a cheesy way.
Maybe there's some way for you to set up a registry-type thing for your furniture if you feel uncomfortable asking for straight donations? Something like the Amazon or Target wish list. I guess then you would have to do it in the form of gift cards so that people could make smaller donations and not have to buy you an entire couch.
I want to say that I agree with you about the issue of being stripped down and having joy sweep in and fill all the voids. On my better days, I feel like I can see depression as a gift that came into my life and made me realize I need to pay more attention to me.
Posted by: Shannon | July 31, 2008 at 10:59 AM
Moxie, with the time and effort you put into this blog I would not ever feel icky about you for putting up a tip jar. I cannot imagine the personal time you take to write, research, edit and the huge chunk of time that it takes away from other things you could be doing. I appreciate your blog and your community of readers so much I would not only tip you but would be happy if you left the jar up.
Please don't feel icky. I understand why would might feel bad, but I also think you deserve it. Some people will tip gladly, others will not. Think of it as us "paying it forward".
Good luck with your future, your furniture shopping and getting the blah's out.
Posted by: Piggy Toes | July 31, 2008 at 11:01 AM
although you've never answered any of my questions on the blog i am SO appreciative for all of your support. all of your wisdom. all of your concern. people pay the big bucks for what you provide and it's worth it. i check your thoughts and input every day of my life. of course it wouldn't be weird to show my thanks and support for you with a tip.
Posted by: sasha | July 31, 2008 at 11:14 AM
It seems kind of like public radio to me, you know? It’s framed as something that is free, but then we are asked to take into account the effect it has on our lives and how we value it. And then they ask us to give. (Note to self: renew MPR membership.) Shannon’s description of this community is just right and I personally have benefited *so much* as a result of your willingness to foster this community. As a matter of fact, I’m now feeling kind of surprised that it never occurred to me to contribute financially before. Surely I pay money for dumber things that do less for me. Again, this community has meant so much to me for the past year. And just thank you, thank you, thank you Moxie for creating it. And thanks to everyone who makes it a vibrant and safe place.
****
Shannon, I was thinking yesterday about you and your depression and it reminded me of that old thing where if you can lucidly think that perhaps you are crazy, then chances are you are not. And the way you calmly address your depression—with insight and even humor—makes me feel certain you are on the road to recovery. And that’s what I hope for you.
Posted by: rudyinparis | July 31, 2008 at 11:19 AM
I'm okay with the tip jar idea, but I really like your idea of getting to be a regular columnist at a newspaper. I guess in this day and age, you would be a syndicated blogger at a newspaper? Something like that? I have no idea how you'd go about that, but I'd be ready to support you pitching it in the SF Bay Area...
Posted by: pennifer | July 31, 2008 at 11:30 AM
I initially thought the tip jar idea was a little weird, to be honest, until I read rudyinparis's response. A PBesque Moxie--makes perfect sense.
Posted by: jbq+h | July 31, 2008 at 11:33 AM
OMG, rudyinparis, I seriously just cried a little at my desk from your comment. You are SO SWEET to be thinking about me when I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!
So, that just reminds me how grateful I am for this site, and for Moxie and all the commenters. So yes, I would tip.
Posted by: Shannon | July 31, 2008 at 11:36 AM
Tip jar/donate buttons never bother me. Usually, it's there for those who want to donate (perfect analogy to public radio/TV, rudyinparis!) and those who don't do not have to click it.
Considering how much support and help you give out on your own time, I absolutely woudl donate. You insight, your site, and this community (thanks to the tone you set and maintain) have helped me SO much this past year+.
As for yesterday, I can't believe I missed all of it! I barely posted an early comment, and then was too busy and tired to find time to come back. Sorry guys!
Posted by: caramama | July 31, 2008 at 11:43 AM
Considering how religious I am about clicking to Amazon through your website and the fact that I occasionally feel GUILTY that I don't buy enough stuff there to help support the site, perhaps it would help my misery if you just put up a donations button.
I like the public television analogy--it is a free resource you pay for as much as you can.
Posted by: Nick | July 31, 2008 at 11:44 AM
Moxie - I was also wondering if you had any time to work more on the cafe press stuff? That would surely provide extra income, as well as advertising for your site. I know I'd be buying stuff for myself and babyshowers.
Posted by: caramama | July 31, 2008 at 11:44 AM
Go get a tip jar woman! :) You're started something wonderful here, let us thank you.
Posted by: Cobblestone | July 31, 2008 at 12:00 PM
NPR, AskMoxiePR, all worth giving to. I was reminded of what you provide when I ran into an old friend who just had a baby (2 months old) and she is feeling alone, emotionally abandoned by her husband, and so far away from her family. Her isolation was immediately visible, as she openly (and feeling so ashamed) cried right in front of me at the store. I think the space and forum you provide is invaluable and you do it in such a way that it is your CALLING. You have pulled many of us through the darkest of times, with tears, laughter, and encouragement. My email is going out to my local paper today, and, as always, I'll be sharing your site with someone who desperately needs to feel the warmth and support of this community.
Posted by: lina | July 31, 2008 at 12:02 PM
I'm fine with the tip jar, but I totally understand the creepy feeling thing. I had to convince myself it wasn't evil to become an Amazon associate... so many other people deserve those click-throughs!
I like the public radio concept. I'll be emailing my local paper...
Posted by: hedra | July 31, 2008 at 12:06 PM
I'm with Nick. I'm saving up to buy my double stroller with Amazon with a click-through, but it would really save me the the misery and wait if you would go ahead and put up the tip jar. I will say that I'm not sure about the 2-day thing, because if it falls at the wrong time during my paycheck schedule that could get tricky.
If it weren't for this website, I would have lost my marbles during the 4 month and 7 month misery. There was one night when my daughter was 7 months old that she woke up every 45 minutes on the dot. I came to work the next day (obviously to sleep deprived to even consider I could have stayed home!) and read up on all the sleep stuff here and actually cried with relief in my office when I realized (all over again) that it wasn't my fault.
Let us give back to you.
Posted by: hydrogeek | July 31, 2008 at 12:09 PM
PS: My heart is hurting for your friend's friend. Send some love her way from us if you can.
Posted by: hydrogeek | July 31, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Absolutely no shame in it. Why do women have such a hard time accepting money for things they're good at? Leave it up all the time as far as I'm concerned, and people who don't want or can't contribute don't have to.
I have a piggy bank on my desk at work, and on it I've written "make my dreams come true." I have people who consistently put spare change in it. :)
Posted by: janel | July 31, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Moxie, totally go for the tipjar idea... why not?
Also, as I was searching my local paper's website for where to send a suggestion for them to carry a Moxie column, it occured to me that I never read the paper, and that it's kind of a lame small town paper anyway, and that I'd much rather see a Moxie column in a parenting magazine or even something like Better Homes and Gardens... and how would your format be? More like an editorial article or a Q & A ala Dear Abby? Just kindof thinking out loud here...
Posted by: Joy | July 31, 2008 at 12:12 PM
Now I feel all guilty for totally forgetting to click through here to make an Amazon purchase recently -- it was for a burr coffee grinder, and I was so excited about it, I just completely forgot!!
I absolutely understand the creepy feeling, too, especially since you're a single person, not a corporate entity (e.g., NPR), but YES, do it! You've been a wonderful resource, and I tell everyone about you! I would definitely donate.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 31, 2008 at 12:14 PM
Just an FYI:
If you (or anyone else, cause they take submissions) ever needs a place to post something anonymously, I found this great blog call Too Hot For My Blog. People are posting things that they don't want to put on their own sites. I'm submitting something myself.
Just thought it would be good for you, Moxie, if you wanted to write about something that you don't want people you know reading.
Oh, and the website address is: http://toohotformyblog.wordpress.com
Posted by: theclevermom | July 31, 2008 at 12:21 PM
If we all lived in a small town (so our small town spans the world) and a kind, loving, giving and wise person in our town who daily made time to bring us together to work on being better, happier parents and more self actualized human beings was in need, of course we'd jump at the chance to give back.
Your doorstep would be littered with baked goods and hand me down furniture. But since you live in N.Y. and there are probably laws about leaving furniture on your stoop, bring on a button so I can send you a cherry pie or something. Thanks for being the bright shining light (even when times are dark)that you are Moxie.
Posted by: Sara | July 31, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Just please don't truncate your RSS feed posts in the name of higher site traffic.
As for a newspaper column, that's a neat idea, but I wonder if for the papers' legal reasons you have to have a relevant degree.
Posted by: JJ | July 31, 2008 at 12:23 PM
Oh, and about the tip jar. Lady, DO NOT feel guilty about accepting remuneration for the work you do here. And it is work. And as a writer of entertainment and support for all of us here you deserve compensation for that work! You would never consider writing for free for a publication, why would you be squicked about accepting donations (which are really no different than advertising revenue) for your wonderful work?
Put it up permanently. Those who want to will donate. Those who don't or can't won't.
Honestly, we women spend way too much time apologising for desiring or needing compensation for our work.
Posted by: theclevermom | July 31, 2008 at 12:30 PM
Moxie - Please put up a tip jar, and leave it up for more than a few days. I don't hit your site everyday, and I would hate to miss it.
You know, I've spent hundreds of dollars on parenting books, and gotten very little out of it. I've gotten tons of great advice from reading here, so I have no problem supporting the efforts of the author. It's like any other intellectual property. You deserve to be compensated for it.
Posted by: Jojo | July 31, 2008 at 12:38 PM
If it makes you feel better, consider this a non-profit and you a paid employee. I think you should be compensated.
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch. I hope you're right about being filled up with joyful things.
Do you have freecycle in NYC?
Posted by: Jan | July 31, 2008 at 12:45 PM
I know of a guy blogger who put the button on his site and says something like he's just right out asking for money. He doesn't at all worry that it might be weird. Is it a guy v. girl thing? I think it probably is.
Posted by: caramama | July 31, 2008 at 12:47 PM
I encourage a tip jar! Buskers, street musicians, and the like each put out a hat and ask for donations, why shouldn't you? Perhaps a PayPal icon under the Amazon icon, so those who wish to show their appreciation can do so. And please leave the icon up for longer than 2 days! (A month? Indefinitely?)
Posted by: heather | July 31, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Do it. What you do on this website is worth so much more than a couple dollars!!!
I hope things get better in your life soon.
Posted by: Ewokmama | July 31, 2008 at 12:58 PM
If you're not comfortable having it on your blog all the time, why not set up a page that you can direct people to when they ask about it. You don't have to have it be linked from anything, but then you have an easy response for the people that DO want to donate that way.
However, I don't think there is anything wrong with having it on the site all the time.
Posted by: Gretchen | July 31, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Moxie,
I often am irritated when a blogger puts up a tip jar but, in this case, I think it is totally warranted! Your advice has saved me on many levels and many different times. If this is some way that we can give back a bit, then I am all for it!
Oh, and I'll email my paper but it's a really crappy paper so I don't expect much from them.
Posted by: Julie | July 31, 2008 at 01:00 PM
you have a lot of readers here who think you provide a valuable service. There is nothing wrong about accepting payment in return for a valuable service. If people feel it's worth money, let them pay you!
And a wish list also feels like a good idea, for readers who want you help you out in some tangible way but also feel funny about a monetary exchange.
Also, instead of asking readers to pitch their papers on your behalf, why don't you collect letters or testimonials here through your website, and submit them yourself with a proposal or query to the papers directly? Especially if you were targeting publications with an online presence, your ability to gather a loyal following and build respectful conversations online would be a real asset, I think.
Posted by: Andrea | July 31, 2008 at 01:01 PM
Bah, left the wrong url.
Posted by: Andrea | July 31, 2008 at 01:02 PM
Yep, everyone above said it better than I can. Go for the tip jar and leave it up permanently! I've never commented before but have been reading this site since I found about it about 3 weeks ago. You have provided so much help to me already.
Posted by: Amara | July 31, 2008 at 01:02 PM
i am a reader- and i only read john rosemond, you, and something out of berkeley CA concerning parenting.
you need to be published, syndicated and p-a-i-d.
IMO: lots of folks truly believe they would pay-pal you or what-have-you; and may never do it; even if they believe and suppport and pledge. (i say this b/c i myself have best intentions and don't folllow thru; but mostly b/c i work in a 'fund raising' non-profit world for a veryveryvery worthy cause (Sudan)and pledges are hit and miss.
this community however may be surprisingly different!
Posted by: peaceinyourcrib | July 31, 2008 at 01:07 PM
I wouldn't object to a tip jar or a registry for things that you need, and I will happily email my local paper which is actually produced by a small local syndicate. However, I think that rather than a generic email to the paper, it might be better addressed to a person. Do you have any idea what type of person on a local paper's staff we should be approaching to suggest a parenting column by you? Editor-in-chief? Publisher? Editor of the section we think most likely would include your column?
Posted by: Jessica | July 31, 2008 at 01:13 PM
Ditto - would love to be able to show my appreciation for this wonderful place.
Posted by: mom2boys | July 31, 2008 at 01:15 PM
Moxie, I would so be in for a tip jar!! I know this community is smaller, but one thing that happened this year was one of the regular DailyKos posters lost his job, and that community came together to actually offer him a salary to continue his daily column. There are several blogs I contribute to regularly, and I'd be more than happy to do the same here.
Posted by: Charisse | July 31, 2008 at 01:25 PM
Oh, Moxie, I think your tip jar idea is great! I, for one, would love to be able to support you even when there isn't anything yelling out "buy me" on Amazon. I think you should leave it up, too, for there is no shame in accepting donations for something you put so much of your heart and mind into -- not to mention your brilliant sense of humor.
Posted by: Parisienne Mais Presque | July 31, 2008 at 01:34 PM
Just out of curiousity, I was wondering if you sell ad space directly on your site, or do you get ads through a network like BlogHer? When you have the network, are you allowed to specify the type of ads you do and don't want?
Posted by: Shannon | July 31, 2008 at 01:39 PM
I read your blog on a feed ... but clicked through to you to leave a comment today to say a tip jar is FINE. Also I was going to say sell more advertising. I saw someone above said don't truncate your feed to drive traffic to the site ... but actually I think I disagree. You provide such a great service and you work hard at it. I think if someone is reading on a feed an sees a question that really resonates, it doesn't cost her anything to click through to the site but you could benefit. So, bottom line: do it all! MoxiePR, ads, etc. You deserve it and we can handle it. (And there is only so much I want to get on Amazon!)
Posted by: TheLuckyGal | July 31, 2008 at 01:42 PM
Yeah, I'd leave a little money. And I don't even give money to public radio. I don't have much to spare. But this site means a lot to me.
Posted by: Sherry | July 31, 2008 at 01:48 PM
So you want to make some money? I have a crazy idea, one I've thought of before, but now seems the right time to mention it. So, Moxie, I hope you read these comments. Note: hardly slept last night because of the baby, so I will be rambling here.
I started reading this blog about four months ago, I find it very genuine and helpful, and I continue to be amazed by the diversity of comments and my feeling that so many women of "childbearing age" are struggling with similar issues and celebrating similar milestones. My husband's uncle is a producer in LA, and he's always looking for ideas for TV shows. (I know, doesn't that sound like a pick-up line?) I'm not really up on TV, but for some reason when I read the Ask Moxie site and the comments, I often picture everyone as characters in a drama. I'm not sure how this could play out on screen--maybe the central character is the blogger, and then each episode follows a certain theme. For example, an episode on raising white men in America could follow several women and their children. There were so many moving and also funny comments, each of which might generate a storyline. (In response to the three year old who thought everyone was Obama, my friend countered with another great story: she heard about these parents who were fixing dinner one night and realized that their two kids had grown very quiet. They went into the living room and the kids had set up their lego men around a lego stage and there was a black lego on the stage at a little podium. When the parents asked the kids what they were doing, the kids said, "Shhh, Obama is speaking." Legobama.
How great.)
Or there could be recurring characters. . . the writers wouldn't even need to come up with ideas; they could just click on your site and read everyone's stories.
Is this totally ridiculous? Anyone want to write a pitch for this?
And by no means am I trying to trivialize anything on this site by suggesting it's "made for TV." But "ASK MOXIE" sounds like a good title for a drama, I think.
Posted by: alisha | July 31, 2008 at 01:49 PM
Oh yes, always ask for money. People who can will but only if you ask. My philosophy of fund-raising has always been, you're doing people a favour when you give them an opportunity to do good in the world. And supporting this community is doing all kinds of good. So really, you owe it to everyone to give us an opportunity to give/pay.
Further, I would consider making it a monthly opportunity. Every 15th & 16th of the month or something like that so you hit different days of the week over time and different pay cycles and different seasons. You don't need to make big announcements but then it isn't constant (and therefore forgotten over time) but also isn't a one time thing that misses people who can't give at the moment you ask the first time.
Yay getting paid for work! Oh, and for the record, I am not the ACJ who is wanting to leave her marriage. For the SJ who reads these comments and might feel blind-sided...
Posted by: ACJ | July 31, 2008 at 01:49 PM
I answered reflexively "of course put up a donations button!" before, but I'm offering my deeper thoughts just in case they help--
The way I see it, you're clearly willing to accept sponsorship to "help keep the posts coming" from some sponsors shilling some interesting books and other goods, and you've got the Amazon button prominently placed. You've encouraged us to use those links. And you've enlisted us in thinking of ways to make money off the site, e.g. when we were tossing around publishing a book, or now when you're enlisting us to help you find paid syndication outlets.
It seems like you've already crossed the Rubicon and are well on your way to Rome. A donations button is probably an arrival in Rome-- or perhaps, better said, an arrival in Rome as you conceive it now.
That's my opinion on the "cheesiness" factor.
But it is the fact that you put each step out there as you develop the way you interact with us, your readers, that keeps me coming back and wanting to be part of this community. You set the tone and it is good-- one of respect and generosity. This is a community that helped me through one of the darkest periods of my life. And your thoughtfulness in consulting us as you consider a change in our interaction
is another sign that I've signed on to a great community.
So thanks for asking and put up the donations/tip jar.
Posted by: Nick | July 31, 2008 at 01:52 PM
Go for the tip jar!!
Posted by: Julieta | July 31, 2008 at 01:59 PM
De-lurking to say, put up a tip jar! I don't know why anyone should be offended by it. Plenty of bloggers do it, and my thought is, if people don't want to donate, they can just ignore it. No reason why you shouldn't be able to make a little bit of money for all the work that you do for us.
Posted by: Becky | July 31, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Girls gotta eat!
If you remain creeped out by the notion of an obvious tip jar, I think Gretchen's idea of having a site that you could direct people to when asked is a great one.
You could also do a middle ground and make the link small. Something like, "Like to contribute?" That could be it (no big widget, no big PayPal logo).
And, as an aside, I always thought the way Leo Laporte does his "support TWiT" buttons was way classy (that's twit.tv).
Posted by: attiton | July 31, 2008 at 02:08 PM
Sorry, as much as I love you Moxie, I'd rather donate to someone who really really needs it. There are so many charities out there that I really should donate to that I never get round to, and I would feel guilty doing the tip jar thing with you and not donating to those who are in desperate need. Do you hate me?
Posted by: marypoppins | July 31, 2008 at 02:21 PM
get paid for what you're clearly called to do, girl...
if my husband can throw his public radio station (the thing that keeps him sane) 10 bucks a month well i can't imagine not doing the same...
i'm praying your load lightens considerably, and soon...
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 31, 2008 at 02:22 PM
Get a tip jar!!
Posted by: sam | July 31, 2008 at 02:24 PM
I don't think anyone is going to be offended by a tip jar here....and we'd love to see you in a regular colum, but for goodness sake ask them to syndicate it so ALL of us can benefit. ;)
We heart you.
Posted by: Mandy | July 31, 2008 at 02:30 PM