Q&A: Toddler punches himself in the head

Kirsty writes:

"My son is 16 months old and he just started punching himself in the head this past week. I find it really upsetting and disturbing. He punches himself when he seems  frustrated, tired or isn’t getting what he wants. It can be only a couple times a day or countless times a day. At first I told him not to do it but I am afraid that might make him do it more. I am trying to just ignore it but fear he might not stop and will always use this method of “coping”. I asked a couple friends if their children did this and they said yes. But I’m not sure its to the same extent of my son. What should I do? I really don’t want him to be self destructive. Please help!"

First rule of Toddler Fight Club: There is no Toddler Fight Club.

Sorry--couldn't resist.

Seriously, though, I hate this stage. It's as annoying as any other, and scarier than most. I mean, why, why is your/my/her kid punching himself?? It just doesn't seem normal. And yet it is, apparently, because so many kids do it. Both of mine went through a form of it at around that age, and my office-mate's daughter is just starting to come out of a phase of slapping herself (she's 2).

I suspect that it's yet another manifestation of the fact that kids that age can't express their feelings as well as they want to, and don't really know how to process them. So the punching or slapping is just another way they release the tension/excitement/anger/frustration/joy because they don't know what else to do with it. It's like their bodies need to get out that emotion and energy, so the bodies make the limbs do things that don't make sense to adults.

I don't think there's any cure for it (other than taping your kid's hands to his sides with duck tape), but I'd suspect that kids who can communicate better (either because they're early talkers or because their parents teach them sign language) and who are super-active (to release the physical energy) do this less. and that some kids just don't do anything like this at all because they just don't.

Can I get some data points on that?

(And if you're interested in teaching your kid sign language, I've heard rave, RAVE reviews about the Signing Time DVDs, or you can use the excellent and free ASL browser from Michigan State University.)

Comments

[paola]

My son occasionally banged his head on the floor or on the wall from age 2 to 3, probably closer to the twos actually as he hasn't done it for quite a while ( he is now 3.5). Usually it was after I had told him off and he was already upset with me and wanted an even bigger excuse to cry/throw a tantrum, so it must have been his way to communicate his feelings of frustration and anger. It certainly wasn't a regular thing though.

Oh BTW, what's happened with the 60 day Challenge? I know it's been over for a while, but are we going to debrief any time soon?

[Nella]

My guy never punched himself but he did pull his hair a lot, and hard! It didn't matter what I did or said but he kept on anyway. He has since stopped (he's now 22 months) but occasionally I do notice he'll just be doing it kind of mindlessly, like biting your nails or something.

[Kate]

We haven't had anything beyond the "I will throw myself on the hard, hard floor in an attempt to get what I want" tantrums starting from 18 months or so.

But I did want to rave about Signing Time :-) Again. (No, not a paid endorser, LOL.) My son is 2y3m and has really only been using speech for the past 1-2 months. Before that it was all sign all the time. His vocabulary is up near 200 signs (plus the manual alphabet)--he's teaching his speech therapist--and he's been expressing himself that way for just a really long time. Just being able to tell us if he is hungry/thirsty/sleepy has been so worthwhile
--plus it's a bonus to know what he's observing so we can talk about it. Beyond that, I feel like less of a tyrant when I can give him choices in his limited world: does he want a peach or an apple? Does he want to play in the sand or in the water?

Now his speech development is really taking off, but mimicing the sign development. One of his earliest signs is now one of his best words; most of his words now he has signs for as well.

[Heather]

Our experience supports your theory: our son was extremely verbal very young and never displayed any such action.

[Lisa]

Neither of my sons hit themselves, but both would hit others and bite themselves and/or others when frustrated. Actually, my two-year-old is doing it now and has been off-and-on for a few months. I totally agree that it has to do with their limited vocabulary at this age. Even though my youngest is starting to talk so well, there is still so much he can't tell us, and no way else to voice his frustration.

It does diminish and stop eventually!

I haven't seen the Signing Time DVDs yet, but she has a show on PBS that is EXCELLENT! We don't catch it often, but both my 2 year old and my 4 year old love it! I also second the recommendation on the ASL website from MSU...that's where I learned the signs to teach my own boys. :)

[Jennifer]

My son did/does this. He's 3 1/2 now are hardly ever does this anymore. We tried to teach him to stomp his foot instead and that sort of worked. I was relieved when I discovered that a lot of kids do this because I was afraid I had taught him this...I smack my forehead when I'm frustrated and I know my son has seen me do this.

And my son was quite late to start talking - well over two years before he was at the "word a day" stage books talk about. Banging on things was a form of communication for him: when he wanted something to eat he would bang on the refrigerator and when he wanted to go outside he would bang on the door. He pointed at the stereo when he wanted music. So he was communicating physically and this may have been an extension of that.

[Lisa M]

Slightly different behavior but maybe a useful data point:

My now 19- month-old very verbal son used to wack himself in the head while we were nursing before bed. Sometimes he would drive his thumb over and over into his temple like a woodpecker. I think it was more of a self-soothing (!?) kind of behavior (I have to admit I did it to myself a few times to see if it hurt as much as I thought it would and it didn't and even felt strangely interesting)

So for those whose kids don't do this out of frustration, maybe it's more out if just an exploration of all the interesting sensations out there in the world.

And for what it's worth, he seems to have moved on.

[Treena]

My sons both went through head-banging stages as young toddlers, where they would bang their head on the floor hard during a tantrum. With the older one, it was short-lived, but the younger one did it several times a day for about six months. He had a constant bumpy bruise in the middle of his forehead. To discount the earlier theory, he was a very verbal child -- he just seemed to need some sort of physical outlet for his anger.

To tie it back into the question, if we were somewhere where it would be really stupid to bang his head hard, like over concrete, he would slap himself in the face repeatedly.

We pretty much ignored the behavior and didn't stress out it. When we saw it coming, we'd try to distract him, but it rarely worked. He's now 20 months and probably does it less than once a week now, so I think it's one of those weird stages you just have to wait to pass. People will look at you like your kid is a freak, but they all have their weird quirks. And in case it sounds like I have a very spiritied child, he's actually a very mild-mannered kid most of the time. Just when he freaks out, he gets very upset.

[Chris]

My experience also supports your theory. Both of my kids were very verbal very early and never used hitting themselves or others in this way.

[amy]

My daughter, now 4, was very verbal, very early. (Her motto is still "Talk early and often.") But she's always had trouble expressing her emotions and self-help language, so we had the face-slapping start around 2.5-3.

I had the same reservations as Kirsty - I was worried that if I told her to stop, she'd do it more. I remembered a post here on biting where Moxie talked about the rope toy her son had during his biting stage, so when my daughter would hit herself, my response was to redirect to a safe target. I'd say, "You look like you feel really frustrated right now. When you need to hit something, hit a pillow or the chair."

In general, it worked. We still have this problem, but less so, and most often she goes directly for the furniture.

[Naomi]

My 20 mo. daughter hits herself too, always after she tries to hit one of us or another kid and we go through the "no hitting, gentle hands" mantra. (Which we then have to repeat. At which point she starts stroking her face.) She's been doing this for about 6 months now, and though its disturbing to watch it is such a pattern that I've stopped worrying about it. It does seem to be an outlet for frustration. For what its worth, she is also very verbal, so making her basic needs understood hasn't been an issue for a while. Expressing her emotional desires, though-- thats another thing altogether (and still is for me, as an adult!)

[Joy]

Try teaching him American Sign Language motions for 'angry', found here:

http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

or tired, or frustrated, or whatever. Maybe being able to express his emotions in a positive, but physically active way might redirect his tendency to hit? Worth a try, anyway.

[lee]

When frustrated, my friend's daughter would bang her head on the floor. It was scary to watch but, as with most things toddler, it went away after 4-6 months.

[Kristie]

"But I’m not sure its to the same extent of my son."

Um, my 17 month old daughter punches, slaps and even hits herself in the head with her BLOCKs when she gets angry or frustrated. And often, many times a day. It's like she's mad at herself for not being able to do what she wants. It concerns me, but I figure she'll stop before she really hurts herself.

The redirect ideas sound good, I think I'll try some. She likes to "roar" like a lion, so maybe I'll try roaring to get some emotional release.

[Lemon]

My oldest son did this type of thing pretty often, bt 18mo and 3yrs. He still does it occasionally. He was speech delayed (and thus frustrated in general) and in early intervention, so I had the benefit of having an early childhood expert come to my house 1/wk. She told me to ignore the behavior, but try and narrate what he might be trying to say, "I'm MAD," or "I'm sad" "My toy broke" "I need help!" etc. etc. I try and focus on the bigger situation, and not so much the head banging. My guy has mostly outgrown it. I feel your pain - it's AWFUL to watch, and you're left helplessly wondering what you can do to help him, and scared that there might be a bigger problem. I talked to my pedi (who is awesome) and he reassured me that there was nothing wrong with him on a broader spectrum (read: autism, etc.)

You may want to pay attention to his diet - if he has any sensitivities to anything - dairy, artificial sweeteners, etc. that will make his behavior much worse. Try to steer clear of foods that are highly processed.

Good luck!

[Sherry]

My very verbal 14-month-old daughter hits/slaps herself. We always go, "Honey, don't hit yourself!" We can't help it; it's an automatic response. The hitting is not done in anger. It looks as if it would hurt, but she keeps smiling. She may just be excited, especially since it's almost always when both her daddy and I are there.

[mom2boys]

Somewhat relevant, my almost ten month old threw himself backward this morning and smacked the back of his head of the hardwood floor. He's thrown himself about in mini tantrums before (he will on occasion collapse on his tummy and kick his feet if I leave the room without him) but I can usually tell they are coming and make sure he is on the carpet or hold him until he settles down. Scared me to death this morning to see him slam his head on the hard floor and omigosh the wail he let out. So sad!! I know it is his high level of frustration but have no idea how to help him through it. Honestly - I'm terrified of the coming toddler years.

We are working on basic signs now (more, bottle, all done) but he hasn't shown an interest in signing back yet.

[Julie]

No data points on the hitting, but we used Signing Time dvd's and they are fantastic. If you go to their website: www.signingtime.com you can order the baby signing time dvds which include (I think) 3 volumes of signs, some cd's for the car, and books. We never moved beyond the 3 volumes, but the signs in there really saved our lives. I also liked supporting an organization that grew from a specific need within one family - the host Rachel's daughter was born deaf so she and her sister wrote and produced these songs to go with the signs to teach her sister's son signing so he and his cousin could communicate. And it's grown from there. Her hope is that all kids know a few signs so that kids like her daughther Leah won't feel so isolated on the playground and other places....at the very least kids can come up and sign "want to play?"

It's a wonderful organization and the songs and signs are very easy to learn and remember. I can't recommend it highly enough.

[Jezer]

This time last year, I was spending the summer at home with my 18-month-old, and it was a hard 10 weeks. He was right smack in the middle of the stage where he knew what he wanted but didn't have the words yet. There was head-butting and yes, head-hitting. My reaction led to him doing this for fun (argh!), so I ignored it. After he developed more verbal skills, these behaviors stopped (right in time for me to go back to work, of course).

[Julie B]

I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but my neighbor taught her son to growl or go 'GRRRR' to vent anger or frustration...apparently, he was a biter. It seemed to work for her.

[Tara]

My 14 month-old daughter is a good communicator, though she also gets very upset when she gets in trouble (e.g. when we tell her not to throw food) and will pull her hair. Sometimes when she's mad/frustrated she will try to hit her head on furniture or the wall. While she can talk well for her age, she still has not figured out other ways to express her frustration. Glad to know we're not alone!

[heather]

My almost-19-month-old daughter is great at sign language (thanks to the many hours I've spent on that awesome Michigan website!) but of course she still gets frustrated: usually she stomps her feet, flaps her arms, and wails. What I find helps calm her down is for me to get down on her level (usually sit in front of her), look directly at her (undivided attention!), and ask her what she wants. 99% of the time this stops the wailing & flailing and she tries to tell me what's up. I don't tell her to stop stomping/flapping/wailing because in my experience that doesn't help the situation.

[giddy]

My 3-y-o was an early talker, but she still liked to bite herself, quite hard, when she was mad at others. We found this an improvement over biting others (which is what she did before starting to bite herself), but still disturbing. She is 3 1/2 now and still definitely has trouble with knowing what to do with her emotions. She is good at telling you what they are, but that doesn't make them go away, and so it's still hard.

Her physical expressions are down to very occasional, though, so that's good. Her latest strategy is to announce things like "I'm not your friend anymore" and we're working on that because it's ok when she says it to a parent or a teacher, but it could become a problem if she says it to her friends all the time. And now she's gotten used to the fact that her parents usually respond, "well, that's ok, I'm your mom not your friend" so now she says things like "You're not my favorite mom anymore!" and later in the day she's back to, "mom, you're a good girl. YOu're my best mom" and so on. I think we will try to work on this angle a bit--"You're not my favorite person right now" is probably an ok thing to say if you can do it without alienating the other person permanently.

In a way I'm jealous of her for being so expressive; everyone else in our family tends to keep anger and frustration under wraps. So I'm trying to figure out how to let her express her emotions without teaching her MY methods (ie, do nothing).

Anyway, take heart. They won't hurt themselves forever, and the older they get, the easier time you have of talking to them about it. One thing that's good about it is that they come to have a good understanding about how being hit/bit/slapped/head-banged feels and can connect it to why you shouldn't do it to other people.

[Eva]

As with others, my 22 month old daughter hits herself in the head when she's frustrated or angry.

This behavior started at about 14 months -- at that point she would hit her head when she didn't have access to a floor to bang it on -- and it has gradually moved to replace head banging. She does seem to do it less often now that she has more language, but I was pretty worried about it for a while.

[hedra]

I can remember both hitting my head with things (blocks felt right, by the way, rocks and metal toys did not) and scratching/gouging at my face with my fingers. (explans some things, heh!) I was looking for a deep ouch, not a sharp one, if that makes sense. I later moved to kicking things hard enough to hurt my toes and compress the toe joints, but not hard enough to leave a bruise, and biting my fingers with my molars (not the front teeth) - again hard compression (and then progressed at some point to biting my clothing - biting a rope would have been PERFECT).

My kids all did this to varying degrees. It may be tied to frustration beyond the capacity to express, regardless of verbal ability (the eldest did it some - highly verbal, the next did it a LOT and was speech delayed plus intensely passionate, both girls did it and one was highly verbal and the other not, but both were, um, twins, which is in itself pretty frustrating!).

I remember that it triggered intense relief of an unbearable sense of tightness in my body. Like I was either going to explode or IMPLODE and crumble up with the force of the feelings (often frustration, but also any kind of mixed feeling with a frustration component). I also remember having a rudimentary sense that what I knew I could do and what my body actually DID do was in conflict, so there was an element of being angry at my BODY (not me, just the body parts) for not doing what I tried!

I can recall one instance where I was trying to cut paper. I could visualize my hand moving, the scissors opening and closing, and the paper slicing neatly apart. I could feel what it would feel like in my hand, arm, the hand holding the paper (I can still feel the texture of the construction paper - it was blue, not that it matters). Anyway, I simultaneously was trying to do it, and it was like I was working inside a set of thick rubber gloves (or several layers of rubber) - my hands didn't move as strongly as I knew they 'could', the cut wasn't as smooth and skillful, the motion was jerky and hitched, I felt the scissors joint (the metal against metal feeling) more than the cutting (the paper against metal feeling), and the paper slipped and creased into the scissors instead of cutting and I had to yank the scissors open to get it back out, and the paper had torn all messy and not neat and now the pristine flat smooth paper was BENT and it wasn't RIGHT and everything was RUINED and ... My stomach knotted, my body locked up, and I wanted to pull my REAL hands inside my REAL body (that being the one I could picture doing things skillfully with) and escape this thick, unresponsive, slow, uncoordinated physical jail that I was trapped inside. I grabbed my hands and yanked on them, as if I was trying to take them OFF, then started digging at my face (I suspect I was wailing or screaming, but the memory has no sound). The physical discomfort of the digging at my face released a lot of tension, and at the same time reminded me that this WAS my body, and I had to work with it even if it wasn't doing what I wanted it to. Both provided a sense of relief. (I suspect there was an endorphin reaction in response to the pain, that likely also eased the stress.) The last fragment of that memory was of a hand on my shoulder and a leg against my hip (someone squatting down beside me with a comforting arm around me), and my body relaxing but at the same time my jaw tightening in determination that I would MAKE my hand do it, I WOULD.

So, um, yeah.

Frustration at least played a big role for me.

Narrating the feelings (as noted by others) helped my kids - harder to do when there were two doing it at once (often with slightly different emotions/experiences triggering, at the same time), and they would then turn on each other and do it to each other instead... I still wonder sometimes why people say they wish they had twins, LOL!

I tended to go with, "You were trying so hard and it didn't work and you're ANGRY."

Helping illustrate a more effective response, and also seeing that others have the same feelings and can express them differently, also seems to help.

I also remember my mom telling me to be gentle and feeling even more twisted up inside (though now I could be angry at my mom instead of at myself or a sibling or pet), so I tend to NOT go to the 'use gentle touches' method when they clearly want to use some other degree of force. Redirect, release, meet the need they already have (not the need I have or the other party has), THEN try to meet the other needs (kindness, gentleness, etc.).

I'm not sure if it is more useful to be able to recall those things, or less, sometimes. (My face was stinging for a few minutes in visceral memory of digging at my face.) Certainly allows me empathy for their efforts to master their bodies, skills, choices, but also leaves me possibly too stuck in my own experience, which may well differ somewhat or even radically from theirs...

[Charisse]

Data point: My very early talker never did this...but she would shriek "mama it's not working!!!!!!" and tense her whole body up at about this age. Now she just whines "mama I want to do this but I can't get the blah to go blah and I'm FRUSTRATED". She did at times pull her hair, usually when sick and having trouble sleeping.

@giddy, ooooh, the 3 1/2-y.o. expressions. It will pass, but especially if they have a big vocabulary, it may leave marks! Hang in there.

[Shandra]

Just wanted to say we loved the Signing Time DVDs. My son really liked that they show other kids doing the signs, I got a break for the length of the show, and we both learned together. They're worth the price IMO.

He's almost 3 and way ahead verbally now. I don't think the signing caused that but I think it helped that he could communicate before he could really form the words verbally. I mostly mention it because some people think it will slow development and that is not our experience at all.

[pnuts mama]

pnut would slap herself at that age- i really don't remember what we did, to be honest, cause i'm sleep deprived and my inlaws have been here since wednesday and aren't leaving til wednesday and mu husband their son is back at work today...SO REALLY, I'M WITH YOUR BOY IN WANTING TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE HEAD ALL DAY!! YARGH!!!

[Today Wendy]

E has done the "banging head against wall/floor" thing on and off since she was about a year old...maybe a bit younger. It seems to be the result of frustration, and once there is actual, physical pain she will start to cry a bit differently and is more likely to accept comfort from us. It happens most often when she's over-tired.

At one point she was doing it a lot and we tried just ignoring it (it really seemed like she was doing it for attention at one point) and eventually she stopped. Now (she's 19 months) it is very occasional so I do react to it.

The Signing Time videos are awesome. We've been using them since she was 6 months (Baby Signing Time) and at about a year progressed to the older versions. She still wants to see the baby ones sometimes. She knows more signs than I do, but since about 18 months has been supplementing the signs with words (grandma is "mama" plus the sign for grandma) which is a lot of fun and makes it much easier to understand what she wants. I really like the videos because I'm getting to learn something too, and the experience of learning something alongside your toddler...well...its been a lot of fun! And I don't feel like I'm wasting my time watching kids television.

[Bobbi]

My second and third would bang their heads on the tile floor at that age. Hard. And then look at me completely confused as to why the hell that hurt so much!!!

[Cloud]

My 15 month old daughter bangs her head when she is frustrated. But you know what- I've been known to do this, too, when I'm really, really mad. Helping her find ways to redirect has made me think about how to redirect my own anger, too. Hubby has a much healthier habit of saying "NAAAAAAH" when he is annoyed, so we're all trying to adopt that.

Anyway, my doctor said not to worry about Pumpkin's head banging. We've had some moderate success with redirecting anger, although she is now entering a phase where she hits US when she's angry. And she sometimes head butts people just for fun (another thing the doctor said is normal).

She is not super verbal yet- she has some words, mostly related to her ever present desire to go outside (in fact, her newest word is "outside"). They teach signs at day care, so I borrowed the Signing Time DVDs from a friend, and Pumpkin LOVES them. And between the day care practice and our home practice, she has learned several useful signs in just a couple of weeks. I'm not sure it is reducing the head banging and tantrums- she's always been pretty good at communicating what she wants, it is just that she can't always have what she wants, and that makes her mad.

One warning about the Signing TIme DVDs- the theme song will get seriously stuck in your head. I have it running through my head most days now....

[Heather]

I agree with Julie--please order from the www.signingtime.com website if you can. I'm a big fan of supporting small businesses. Rachel and her family make more money when you buy directly from her site. The DVDs are fantastic and Rachel's story is inspiring (http://www.signingtime.com/article_info.php?articles_id=2)

[Kimberly C]

I have a super talker- say 75+ words at 15 months, more than I really care to count at 18 months and she still slaps herself, only she tells herself 'NO! (slap) NO!'- it is terrible to see, she only seems to do it when she's in that needs-sleep-but-won't-give-it-up mood, all tired and irritable already.

On a funny note, she still pitches a fit in the floor occasionally, but now she lays herself down in the floor very gently before she starts. I just let her get over it in her own time- nothing I can do makes it stop any quicker.

[anonforthis]

I still do this (and I'm in my thirties). I do it more when I'm frustrated with the baby or very tired. I go out of the room so he doesn't see me do it and think it's a good idea....don't want him to pick up on my bad example.

[sammy]

My daughter will sometimes slap herself in the face, and then laugh hysterically after. WHen my daughter hits other people though (which she has been doing ALOT lately) she does it out of pure anger.

[Sarah]

According to my mom, I would smack my head into the wall or a table when I got angry or furstrated. As I got older I discovered soccer and would go and kick the ball against the back of the garage for hours. These days (with a 3 month old) I use my lunch break to hit the gym. I have found that when I get VERY frustrated I need a physical outlet to blow off steam.

[Sonia]

Data point here - no head banging or punching, but when my son was around 12 or 13 months old he started pulling on his hair HARD every night at bedtime as he was drinking his bottle. Just self-soothing, I guess, but it disturbed the heck out of me because sometimes he'd actually pull hair out. One night in desperation I grabbed a washcloth from the nearby stack and gave that to him, and sure enough he started pulling and tugging on that instead of his hair. Eventually he started chewing on the darn things and to this day (he's 2 now) usually falls asleep with one hanging out of his mouth. It's kind of cute, actually. :-)

Re: sign language videos, DS watches them at daycare (pretty sure they're Signing Times) and the funny thing is he hasn't bothered to learn too many of the signs (just basics like please, more & help), but since they say the words at the same time as they sign them, he's picked up quite a bit of vocabulary from them.

[katydid]

My son was extremely verbally capable at 18 months. He was very active, and we spent most days swimming and running through the woods exploring. He could speak in short sentences and express himself quite well, but he still banged his head on the wall and most often on his crib. My thought is that it was definitely a part of not being able to express himself at times, because he actually did not know what he wanted. The connections between feelings, words, actions, awareness of the world are still not completely linked (at least this is what his father and I felt was happening). We noticed that it happened more when he was overtired. Often when he was doing it, he would not want to talk or to stop. We worried about it (mostly I worried). Then sometime around age 2.5, he stopped. He's bright, active, still verbally quite advanced, and happy. Unfortunately at the time, no one I knew had experienced this, and now I know several parents whose kids went through the stage.

[Lisa]

Yet another data point: super-early talker (sounds like that factor doesn't matter much in this behavior, though); sensitive, high-intensity kid (similar to Mom much?). Started slapping himself in the face when frustrated/angry at about 18 months. We did a lot of narrating his feelings ("You're so frustrated by XYZ!") and verbal-plus-physical redirecting, suggesting things he can do physically to release the tension. Worked pretty well, and happens much less often a year later.

Depending on the situation, redirection followed by humor/silly behavior also helped. Sometimes call it "getting your ya-yas out."

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

I apologize in advance for how long this one is.
This would scare any parent. 16-18 months is the last onset of stranger anxiety and a very emotionally intense time. This is the storm that comes before full verbal expression.

To experience what children at this age are feeling, make sure to read Hedra’s post. She shares her own personal memory and articulates the physical and emotional frustration perfectly, as usual!

A child at this age has wishes and desires but can’t make them come true as fast as they want them too or as well as they would like, and the result is total frustration with no ability to manage it. Since no two children are alike, one child may be releasing their frustration by hitting and another child may be getting a soothing feeling from the hitting. Since both children aren’t totally verbal only a parent can tell which way their child is translating the hitting.

Think of it like this, I hate to be making this analogy, but it works. A child’s developmental cycle comes on like a bad case of PMS. He now seems possessed by new behavior that the developmental phase produced. He sees himself as more capable and wants to do more stuff, but his body behaves as if it’s moving through honey. He has very little fine motor control, like Hedra experienced with the scissors, and when he gets mad his body gets away from him and hits the ground or a wall, now his gross motor skills have failed him too. On top of that he’s at a stage where lack of words is upon him so he can’t express the frustration he so intensely feels. Dealing with all of that makes his emotional body explode with emotion and frustration, which is all consuming, and he hits himself. This is so hard to watch!

There are a couple of things to remember here. Developmental stages are resolved out of a garden of frustration. The Developmental phases a child goes through *force* parent and child to navigate this new stage including all the frustration, the emotions and find ways to resolve them. And just as parent and child begin to manage this new stage, the child grows and a new ability magically appears and the child returns to calmer behavior.
I tell parents that the majority of learning that occurs during early childhood comes as a result of the response or reaction a parent has to the child’s new behavior. The reaction or response sends the silent message to the child “this is how we deal with this new behavior in our family.”

Giddy posted that she’s jealous of how free her child’s expression is. Parents tend to relive a portion of their own childhood frustration when they see their child doing this, they can feel it in the pit of their stomach.

So what can be done? Here are some tips. See if any of this is a good match for you.

1. Children who do this are usually sensitive or musical children. One way that may help is to put on a drumming CD when he looks like he’s ramping up to hit himself. For some the rhythmic sounds create a soothing feeling inside. Some can actually be talked into doing *the angry dance* with the drumming CD instead of hitting. Wacky, but who knows!

2. Many children have a great need for routine at this stage and that may help. The more predicable their day is the less frustration they may have.

3. The child may really need some more physical active time each day. This can provide a great outlet for all the penned up frustration and energy until some words appear.

4. As many have said, this could be lack of words. Yet others have posted that their child did this and had no lack of words, try using sign language to see if it helps.
My feeling is, if the sign language doesn’t help, then this is frustration due to lack of ability to express emotions.
Emotions are at the bottom of almost all “interesting” behavior during the toddler and preschool years. The key is to realize how young a child this age really is and to find ways to change your words and actions so you respond not just react, my website is full of these skills.

5. How is this little guy sleeping? If he isn’t sleeping well his frustration levels are way up. Lack of good sleep is a clue that a developmental phase and growing are in full swing.
Try this at the end of the day so you can help him release any leftover frustration and help him sleep. Give him a warm bath with Gerber Bedtime bath (I think that’s what it’s called) and pour about ¼ cup of table salt in the bath along with it. If you don’t like Gerber use some lavender oil from the health food store. Use only a tiny amount of lavender oil the stuff is really strong and can be overwhelming to some. The salt leaches the tension and frustration out of the muscles just like Epsom salts does. Use whatever you have, Epsom salts or table salt, both work really well. Also as Moxie said, if possible use less sugar and no processed foods.

7. Finally try redirecting him. Teach him at a calm time that hitting a pillow is what you hit, not yourself. And then designate a special pillow to hitting. Place it beside him when he hits himself because talking to him about it when he is overwhelmed and frustrated won’t work, so just put it down beside him. Then at calmer times keep reminding him of what he needs to hit instead of himself.
There isn’t a-one thing fixes everything-for this one. Good luck, and hang in there.

[Louisa]

My daughter did this, although I don't remember the age when it started. I think somewhere around 18 months. Usually she did it when she was mad that she had to be on the changing table. If she couldn't hit me she'd hit herself.

I'd give her our standard line: "we don't hit or hurt people or animals." (Sometimes I tell her that I worked really hard making that head and I'd appreciate it if she would be gentle with it).

We redirect her to a "whacking pillow," and ask her to give it a good "WHACK." We introduced the whacking pillow when she was calm, and try to reinforce it when she's calm as well. It has helped somewhat.

The hitting (including self-hitting) is better now that she's almost 3.

[Heather]

I haven't read the other comments yet, but my daughter is almost 17 months old and, yes, she hits herself in the face. Usually she prefers to hit me, but if I am out of reach because she's strapped into the carseat or something like that, she will hit herself while whining/yelling and sometimes saying, "Oh! Oh!" She definitely does it when she is upset or frustrated and it also seems like she is trying to get a reaction out of me...I think this because she will often tell herself, "No!" after she does it...

[Kate]

@mom2boys: 10 months is quite early to sign back. Not impossible, certainly, but early in a non-immersion environment. I'd encourage you to keep signing to him--and to expect his first attempts to potentially "pidgin sign"...i.e. not looking quite like your signs to him. My son used to sign "more" by tapping his fists together, instead of his fingertips. Confusing for ME because it looked like the sign for shoes, but it was clear to HIM.

My daughter first signed back (just the signs for daddy and nursing) at 11 months and it came in little dribbles until an "explosion" of signs at 13 months.

My son, who was/is so reliant on it, did not sign back--at all--until 13 months. (I was despairing because my daughter at the same age was coming out with a sign a day.) He was funny because he'd only sign in context. Like we had no idea he knew the sign for "sand" until we went to a playground with a sandbox and there it was. So the first signs that we knew that he knew were things that he needed, ate, did or saw every single day.

[anon too]

I have done this since I was in my late 20s and still do it, although not as badly. I have scars on my face from my fingernails. I was never allowed to verbally express emotions as a child but I never self-hit or banged my head as a kid either. I don't know why I didn't do it then, but I do it now. Apparently, I never learned to express frustration appropriately using words.

Thankfully, my 2 year old is super verbal and physical and although he's hit us a few times, he's never done it to himself.

[anon-anon]

I'm a hair-puller, and I can attest to the connection between pain and release of tension. When I tell people I am a hair-puller, they usually ask me if it hurts. Yes, it does, and I can't explain why that helps, but it does.

An urge to pull is often my first response to stress or frustration, even before I realize I'm frustrated. And even though I do have a hard time expressing myself when I am frustrated (my husband has to remind *me* to use my words!), the urge occurs before words would even help.

[mom2boys]

@Kate - Thank you. We will definitely keep up the signing.

[pnuts mama]

it's so interesting to read the comments on adults still using this technique to release their frustration- one thing i read here a while back was the idea to help little ones understand their feelings of frustration by validating them with the statement "i know you are frustrated with that..." (or another version, talking about how it's ok to be frustrated, not ok to do unsafe behavior in response- must have been a moxie/hedra combo IIRC). anyway, i wish you all had been allowed to feel and express those feelings growing up- and thank you for the reminder of how important it is to allow ourselves and our kids to do so.

here's a little scenario from this morning along those lines, since i need to vent- pnut got a new stroller for her dolly for her bday- it has a clasp like a carseat and it's nearly impossible for a little hand to open- so we've been showing her how to put her thumb and finger on it to open it. anyway, this morning, i'm in the kitchen doing about 120 things while nursing and i hear her trying to open it and getting really frustrated- she starts making the "ARRRR" whiny noise and i hear my FIL say "wow, is that face making it any easier?" in a sarcastic tone- she does it again and he repeats himself- i swear i nearly lost it- i went in there saying "how is that helpful in teaching a 3 year old how to learn a new skill??" (let alone, what kind of assh*le makes fun of his own granddaughter vs. gets up and helps her?? wtf??) and proceeded to sit and show her how to do it again. while he says nothing, just goes back to reading his book. thanks, dude.

one.more.day. til they go home. sigh.

[hedra]

for the anons... endorphins are calming. hair-pulling, being hit, even my unconscious tendency to stub my toes when upset all tie into the fact that pain triggers a release of endorphins very rapidly. Takes care of the pain, AND the stress all at once.

It's also incredibly powerful - nothing is more potentially addictive than our own endorphins (cocaine mimics them, hence the addiction issue there).

This is also tied into cutting issues - and I'd rather have toe stubbing or hair pulling than cutting, I guess. (If I'm REALLY distressed, my hands go right to my hair - and that's instinctive somewhere, since it is part of our language as humans - everyone recognizes the hands in hair/hair-pulling as a signal of distress. By the way, chimps pull their hair when upset, too - and in that case, it's a signal that draws comforting attention from their peers. So, probably instinctive 'hey, I'm upset over here, please comfort me' messaging, too.)

[hedra]

@pnuts mama, kick him in the shins for me, will ya? That way you can say it was from someone else, and not your fault. ;)

ONE MORE DAY. Hang in there!

[Sarah]

Our DD actually scratches at the back of her neck/head/ears when she's frustrated and has been doing so since she's had control over her hands. She's on the verge of 14 months.