Q&A: How not to grow crazier as we grow older

Here's a question for a Friday from Caro:

"This is only tangentially a parenting question, but it seems like something you and your readers might have thought about, or might be able to help me think about.

Right now, I know three women in their sixties who are each dealing with--or in massive, obvious denial about--Personal Issues that have clearly been building up for decades and are now crashing down on them and the people around them in huge ways. They are in vastly different situations (details are personal and don't matter much here), but each of them is in an emotional, physical, or relational state where, in her thirties, she never would have expected or wanted to end up. The common thread seems to be failure to deal with problems as they arise--failure to even recognize them as problems until they are out of control.

My question: What can we--women, mostly, here--moms with plenty going on to distract us from taking care of our long-term mental and emotional health--do now to make sure we don't wake up at age 60 and suddenly realize we're a mess? How can we make ourselves *see* the things that these three smart women I know (and many, many others, I'm sure) somehow ignored or missed for years and years?

Sorry to be so vague (too vague?). Am trying to steer away from the specific situations, as I think this is actually a widespread phenomenon with women and transcends the individual details.

Hope that makes some sense. Would love to discuss this with you and/or other Moxie readers."

Yeah. Oh, so yeah. And I'm betting everyone else who's been interacting with family this summer is processing this on some level, too.

For me, this question is really personal. I was so invested in external appearances for so long. And I'd gotten myself into a truly insurmountable (with the energy and strength I had at the time) situation that has taken every ounce of honesty and strength and heartbreak I have to get out of. So I definitely understand bad decisions, the slippery slope, misunderstanding your own needs, and then inertia and/or denial and/or fear.

For me the solution was ruthless, brutal honesty, combined with some truly freaky spiritual experiences that left me feeling like I was being taken care of even in the midst of chaos. The freaky spiritual experiences are not a replicable model for everyone (although, honestly, I never thought the kind of strange stuff that happened was going to happen to me, so how can I say that they couldn't happen to everyone else?), but the honesty is.

I also think some sort of goal-setting might help. On an email list I used to be on (Hi, enu, Num-Num, and Pennifer!), we used to all post our New Year's resolutions. Then the next December, someone who'd kept them all would send them back to the list and we could look and see how we'd done. It seems like a semi-public process of setting a course for yourself and then checking to see how well you were doing might help keep you from driving into the ditch totally. But, as with most things, it would only work if you were super-honest and took it very seriously. Because you could go along for years focusing on the surface things without really looking at where you were going as a human being. Unless you're brave enough to set some sort of life goal in the style of choosing your own epitaph and working toward that goal.

The other alternative is to start calling our friends on things when we think they're making bad decisions. But I just don't see that happening on a wide scale. Also, people who were really invested in denial would just ditch friends who were too honest with them.

So, hey, I don't know. Personally, I think I'm on the right track for the first time in a looooong time. But what would it take to derail me again? You can be reasonably together while your kids are little and still end up with too many cats and a boyfriend who writes bad checks once your kids leave the house. And how do you disentangle yourself if you've let things like your health get away from you? You can't just call Clean House to come clear out the clutter in your arteries.

What do you guys think? Do you suspect that you're struggling with things that could eventually overtake you? Or do you have some way of keeping yourself honest? Or do you even think about it? Miraculous transformations as well as cautionary tales always welcome.

Comments

[hedra]

@AnotherAnon, I forgot to mention The Gift of Fear (and/or Protecting the Gift). Glad you did! It applies - that little niggly sense that something isn't right needs to be attended to. Trusting that the instinct is good, even if one doesn't know why - essential. We tend to teach kids to listen to someone ELSE's instinct instead of their own (even with the Safe Respectful Kind, I have to be careful to acknowledge that their instinct says 'safe' when mine says 'unsafe' - or vice versa - and while I need them to trust my instinct, I don't want it to be at the expense of them listening to theirs!)

[Alex]

Great post.

I look at my dad, whose principal (only?) coping strategy in life has been denial (well, coupled with "blame other people" and the old standby "act incompetent and wait for someone to help," which turns out to be surprisingly effective, but only for awhile), and if there's one thing I've noticed it's his astonishing ability (viz.: denial) to believe that it (whatever it is) won't happen to him. I'll ignore (for the purposes of this comment) the varied ways in which that resulted in my mom (appropriately) divorcing him, and focus on the obvious...HE won't get older, or slow down, or lose his vision, or need regular medical treatment for chronic problems or...well, you get the idea.

And this is what I just don't get. There have been some great comments above about subtle stuff, but for me a simple (but important, and frighteningly frequently neglected) step is just figuring that on average, each of us is...average. I know, I know -- you're not, and I'm not, and of course none of the Lake Woebegone children are, but someone must be. And on average, we're going to have the problems the average people around us are having.

Small example of using such thoughts pro-actively: I live with DH in a one-level house we both like in a community that has generally been stable and agreeable and where, as far as we can tell, we'd like to continuing living. When we had a portion of the house remodeled recently, I insisted that everything that got changed be planned with an eye to accessibility -- you know, for old (or young) people whose mobility is, in one way or another, impaired. Honestly, even working with a builder who agreed (in principle) with the idea, getting this done was sometimes like pulling teeth. "YES, every single door REALLY must be at least 3 feet wide and YES, these plans must be reworked to make that possible," and so forth. Because...really...why wouldn't we look 10 or 20 years (or months, days, hours -- you just never know) down the road and think about how our needs may change and how we should plan to accommodate them?

Obviously that's just one simple (and self-serving, because I did it) example, and it's not one relevant to everyone since (a) our house was easy to retrofit and (b) not everyone hopes, much less plans, to stay put. But returning to my main point...I think if we just expect/assume that the problems that other people regularly encounter (divorce, job loss, ill health, financial devastation, lack of purpose, depression) are problems that could well affect us too, we'd be ahead of, well, the average person...;)

[hedra]

@Alex, that's brilliant. Simple to grasp, simple to implement. Very level playing ground, too - we're not so different, all in all, all around. Adolescent promises to self to 'not be like everyone else' can't be taken as a blanket statement.

[Maria Wood]

Whoa. Once again Moxie, and all you wonderful commenters are here for me saying what I need to hear and addressing my exact Current Dilemma/Crisis at the perfect moment (freaky spiritual experience? You decide).

I've been having a sort of midlife/identity crisis the past couple of weeks related to major change and transition (interstate move, necessity of getting a new (real) job after being essentially self-employed for all of my adult life). Depression that has been lurking mostly dormant for the past couple of years has started to rear its ugly head, bringing with it bad parenting and bad self-care. I'm in the midst of a major conflict with my brother who has always been the sole member of my family I could trust and count on – and I am so strung out by all of the above that I can't tell which of us (or both!) is being nuts.

I am, in a way, grateful for all of the above, because at 38 I hope I still have a fighting chance of making something of my life. It's daunting and there are a lot of moments when I feel that it's hopeless but at least I'm looking at it. At least I'm trying. I could be going ahead full steam with the move without rethinking, I could continue to pretend things are fine with my brother until in 5 or 10 or however many years one of the most important relationships in my life was damaged beyond reclamation.

It's all really hard and sucky though.

And while I know by this point probably no one's reading the comments anymore, I have to speak my truth about the question of mothering being valued by society and why there are so many depressed, isolated, unfulfilled mothers out there.

I truly believe that mothering (distinct from child care) should be subsidized by the government. It absolutely infuriates me that the job of raising my daughter – a job for which I believe I am uniquely suited in a way no babysitter or daycare center or preschool teacher could ever be (provided I have the resources, help, and support necessary for such an overwhelming commitment).

I am not saying mothers should not work outside the home or make any arrangement that suits their individual situation and the people involved. I am saying that as a mother I feel like an absolute nonentity in society. When I donated money to Barack Obama they are required to ask your occupation. I put Mother, knowing that's NOT what they meant.

I have other interests, (some) skills, and need to have a sense of myself separate from my child and separate from being a mother. But I also can't imagine why we pay so much lip service to mothering (the hardest job in the world, etc.) while giving it so little respect or compensation. I am furious about this.

Rant over. Thanks.

[GS]

Just read a few of the comments (long day, must sleep), but from what I've seen so far it seems like the majority of folks here fear turning INTO their mother. My fear is that I'll never be as wonderful as my mother is. Sure, she has her issues, but given that she grew up with sexual abuse and one very sour marriage (my father) that ended in divorce, she is by all accounts a genuinely happy woman. She's married to a man who deeply loves and respects here (they're going on 25 years), and she surrounds herself with things that matter to her: friends, family, charitable causes, hobbies, interests.

I on the other hand struggle with depression daily and have been doing so for the better part of a decade. I have a wonderful dream job, a happy, fun and friendly marriage, and a healthy two-year old son. But despite all of this I still struggle to smile and love myself.

So while many fear becoming their mothers, I fear not being well enough to follow in her beautiful footsteps.

GS

[GS]

Just read a few of the comments (long day, must sleep), but from what I've seen so far it seems like the majority of folks here fear turning INTO their mother. My fear is that I'll never be as wonderful as my mother is. Sure, she has her issues, but given that she grew up with sexual abuse and one very sour marriage (my father) that ended in divorce, she is by all accounts a genuinely happy woman. She's married to a man who deeply loves and respects here (they're going on 25 years), and she surrounds herself with things that matter to her: friends, family, charitable causes, hobbies, interests.

I on the other hand struggle with depression daily and have been doing so for the better part of a decade. I have a wonderful dream job, a happy, fun and friendly marriage, and a healthy two-year old son. But despite all of this I still struggle to smile and love myself.

So while many fear becoming their mothers, I fear not being well enough to follow in her beautiful footsteps.

GS

[hedra]

@GS, I can totally understand. I had to deal with this a lot in pregnancy - my mom was absolutely healthy, glowing, perfection in pregnancy. I swell, get stretch marks, puke, and hurt. She seldom has been depressed, I've got a lifelong struggle with it (starting in early childhood), even though it isn't severe most of the time, it's just enough to take the color out of life on a regular basis.

Stepping outside the comparison has been the only way for me to address it. Not even going there - I can't compete with her, I can only be my own me. The more I am my own me, warts and all, the more comfortable I am. And the more I do that, the more I realize that one of my secret desires has always been that my children will admire me the way I admire(d) my mom. It's a false process, though - worshipful admiration is an act of separation that keeps me and thee apart. The more I am myself, the more I see that being like her is not relevant, and at the same time, the more I actually *am* like her (and yet it matters less)... and the more my kids can be themselves, too. Hopefully without the feeling that they can never measure up to their mom, too. Paradox, but also peace and ease, and freedom - the less I try to be other-than-myself, the more I am that which I wish to be.

Good luck with the work of being you.

[P&P]

This is a tough one, but here are my thoughts.......

1. One of the biggest things I've learned as I've grown older is that it's not how the world relates to you, it's how you relate to the world. In other words, stop looking at your navel and start looking ahead and occasionally to the side, lest you get blindsided.

2. Have a plan B. I've seen too many women with children not think about "what if" and then find themselves in a personal and financial mess that can't get out of easily. I'm not saying don't stay home w/the kids, but be sure to keep your skills up to date and be prudent with your finances, in case you do have to leave your marriage. It may not be as easy to find work or childcare in your area as it is in a major metropolitan area. No offense Moxie, but getting work and childcare in NYC is a heck of a lot easier than it is in the Rust Belt.

3. As said in a previous post, listen to the little voice in the back of your head that says "this isn't right." Maybe it's a passing phase, maybe it can be fixed early or maybe it's the shadow looming on the horizon, but if you don't pay attention to that dissonance, you'll be in a heap of trouble down the line.

4. Also, who said passion has to be about work, spouse or childen? Maybe you're passionate about your friends, your knitting, your church or your volunteer work. All of my jobs became boring at some point and I've responded by becoming engaged in community activities. I still work, but I see it as a way to put food on the table and a source of health insurance, not a lifetime calling.

[Dr. Scientist]

Life really is a learning curve, and brutal honesty is the equalizer. I have always believed in brutal honesty. The people who are unable to deal with it, are probably people you would not want around you in the long run anyway.

[crowdSPRING]

Just read a few of the comments but from what I've seen so far it seems like the majority of folks here fear turning INTO their mother. My fear is that I'll never be as wonderful as my mother is.

[Jagadguru Kripalu Parishat]

I think if you continue to grow as a person, that is, strive to be a better human being on a daily basis.