Q&A: How not to grow crazier as we grow older

Here's a question for a Friday from Caro:

"This is only tangentially a parenting question, but it seems like something you and your readers might have thought about, or might be able to help me think about.

Right now, I know three women in their sixties who are each dealing with--or in massive, obvious denial about--Personal Issues that have clearly been building up for decades and are now crashing down on them and the people around them in huge ways. They are in vastly different situations (details are personal and don't matter much here), but each of them is in an emotional, physical, or relational state where, in her thirties, she never would have expected or wanted to end up. The common thread seems to be failure to deal with problems as they arise--failure to even recognize them as problems until they are out of control.

My question: What can we--women, mostly, here--moms with plenty going on to distract us from taking care of our long-term mental and emotional health--do now to make sure we don't wake up at age 60 and suddenly realize we're a mess? How can we make ourselves *see* the things that these three smart women I know (and many, many others, I'm sure) somehow ignored or missed for years and years?

Sorry to be so vague (too vague?). Am trying to steer away from the specific situations, as I think this is actually a widespread phenomenon with women and transcends the individual details.

Hope that makes some sense. Would love to discuss this with you and/or other Moxie readers."

Yeah. Oh, so yeah. And I'm betting everyone else who's been interacting with family this summer is processing this on some level, too.

For me, this question is really personal. I was so invested in external appearances for so long. And I'd gotten myself into a truly insurmountable (with the energy and strength I had at the time) situation that has taken every ounce of honesty and strength and heartbreak I have to get out of. So I definitely understand bad decisions, the slippery slope, misunderstanding your own needs, and then inertia and/or denial and/or fear.

For me the solution was ruthless, brutal honesty, combined with some truly freaky spiritual experiences that left me feeling like I was being taken care of even in the midst of chaos. The freaky spiritual experiences are not a replicable model for everyone (although, honestly, I never thought the kind of strange stuff that happened was going to happen to me, so how can I say that they couldn't happen to everyone else?), but the honesty is.

I also think some sort of goal-setting might help. On an email list I used to be on (Hi, enu, Num-Num, and Pennifer!), we used to all post our New Year's resolutions. Then the next December, someone who'd kept them all would send them back to the list and we could look and see how we'd done. It seems like a semi-public process of setting a course for yourself and then checking to see how well you were doing might help keep you from driving into the ditch totally. But, as with most things, it would only work if you were super-honest and took it very seriously. Because you could go along for years focusing on the surface things without really looking at where you were going as a human being. Unless you're brave enough to set some sort of life goal in the style of choosing your own epitaph and working toward that goal.

The other alternative is to start calling our friends on things when we think they're making bad decisions. But I just don't see that happening on a wide scale. Also, people who were really invested in denial would just ditch friends who were too honest with them.

So, hey, I don't know. Personally, I think I'm on the right track for the first time in a looooong time. But what would it take to derail me again? You can be reasonably together while your kids are little and still end up with too many cats and a boyfriend who writes bad checks once your kids leave the house. And how do you disentangle yourself if you've let things like your health get away from you? You can't just call Clean House to come clear out the clutter in your arteries.

What do you guys think? Do you suspect that you're struggling with things that could eventually overtake you? Or do you have some way of keeping yourself honest? Or do you even think about it? Miraculous transformations as well as cautionary tales always welcome.

Comments

[paola]

I think life is a learning curve. We are always going to improve on some things and not on others, focus now on the ones that we are able to deal with, hope to come back to the other ones at a later date, and not see some at all. Perhaps the issues that will torment me at 60 are ones that I didn't even think were particularly big when I was in my 30s or 40s. But I think if you continue to grow as a person, that is, strive to be a better human being on a daily basis, you might be able to catch most of the issues early before they get out of control. But really, I'm sure something is bound to slip through - maybe a health issue or financial problems, something totally unexpected. Perhaps it boils down to a bit of luck too.

[Jojo]

Jez, I wish I knew the answer. Recently, I've been facing the reality of issues I had as a kid, that I didn't even know were issues. I wasn't in denial because it was so far off the radar that I never even thought about it. It was only when I saw that the same thing could happen to my son that I realized all those negative feelings we still sitting there quietly hurting me.

I don't know. Maybe we just need to be willing to recognize the things that just don't feel right to us, and not push them away when they come up.

[Stephanie]

This is hard. I look at my mom, who just turned 60, and the stuff she is dealing with now just wasn't an issue when she was in her 30s. I mean, the seeds of family issues were there but they were just seeds at that point. It took another 30 years for them to grow big enough to have deal with.

[Slim]

My husband and I come from very different backgrounds as far as planning and acting and honestly assessing. Frustrating though it sometimes is to feel as though I'm driving the bus ("Must I do everything around here?"), I do feel as though he and I (collectively and severally) will be fine in a physical, material sense in the years to come.
I worry, though, that I am handling the superficial-but-important stuff and ignoring the deeper things. What if I end up sane and healthy and nicely provided for, but joyless?

[Shandra]

I actually think that while goal setting is good, dealing with emotional issues often starts with letting go of the goals you thought you had and going through a period of quiet experience rather than step-by-step "progress". That's how you find your still, quiet voice that knows.

Then I think finding inspiration and role models is a good way to go. There are so many fab women out there.

Blatant plug: there is a great Canadian magazine and just! this! week! a great Canadian website for women at midlife:

http://www.more.ca

(there's an American one too but you can Google it, and I'm not quite as fond of it myself. :))

[Diane D]

I think about this rather a lot-- I do feel like the choices I'm starting to make now (at 31) will affect me at 61.

I can't say too much about how to deal with issues early so they don't come crashing down later. But I have noticed that the women who seem alienated from their husbands, clingy with their adult children, and utterly detached from the world of current events, culture and style are nearly always the women who have lived for/in their children-- stay at home moms without interests other than their children. Or working moms with boring jobs who haven't managed to find the time to follow an outside interest.

I find that the mothers-of-adult-children I know who are still reasonably 'with it', who still seem to have fun with their spouses, and who still seem present in the real world are women who have held on to their own interests, pursued their own dreams, loved their children but haven't tried to live through them.

So to me, at least a part of the solution is to work to not be consumed by motherhood to the exclusion of self. To not lose sight of what YOU want out of life, and work to achieve at least some of that. To make a conscious effort to stay present in the world. To maintain a real relationship with your spouse, not just as mommy and daddy.

Probably won't solve everything but it has to be a start.

[enu]

I'm not worried at all about this (I'll be happy settle for being a mess at 60 from my current perspective.)

I just haven't seen 60 (or older) to be much this way among the women of my acquaintance. I see a lot of acceptance, maturity, and a sense of calmness in the older women in my family and among my peers. There is much more turmoil and being hard on oneself, and doubting one's choices among the younger (here I mean 30's-40's aged) folk.

Check out the women at reunion, Moxie - the older classes seem very comfortable in their skins.

Wishing you a peaceful aging, all!

[Cobblestone]

I wonder how much of it is personal skills and how much of it is body chemistry. My MIL was a little controlling/anxious as her kids grew up {with emotional baggage that legitamately explained a lot of it}.

Now, after an abrupt menopause years ago, the anxious depression with minimal self-esteem just makes her seem #@$&*(#&$!!! crazy. She doesn't feel any need to adapt but also doesn't realize how much the people around her have developed a special set of coping skills to be able to function at *dinner* with her {much less anything else}.

As for myself...I worry a great deal about a joyless life.

[peaceinyourcrib]

one day at a time.
one choice at a time.

crisis usually aides and abets.
and maybe as humans; who wants pain? who wants the work of change? do we avoid it and stunt the process ourselves? is anybody really loving us enough to say the hard things? are we loving ourselves enough to be asking the right questions?

i too had a spiritual awakening.
it changed e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

i was at rock bottom.
but...
i broke the cycle.

break the cycle 1 hard choice at a time?

[stacy]

I think about this all. the. time. I obsess.

Not wanting to end up crazy is going to drive me crazy, I think!

But really. My mother went totally off the fucking deep end just before she turned 60. She was ostensibly pushed by my father running off with a younger woman, but of course just like Moxie said, in reality her issues have been building for a lifetime.

Certainly with my mother, what Diane D. has said holds true. Mom worked for about 80% of her adult life, but she never enjoyed any of her jobs as much as she enjoyed staying at home when her kids were small. She bounced from job to job, all the while in a bitter and jealous rage against women who didn't have to work.

Once Dad left - Dad, who was supposed to let her stop working any minute now and take care of her for the rest of her life - my mother attacked the issue with a frightening single-minded devotion. She systematically engaged in behaviors to destroy her body and mind until she was so feeble, so much a shadow of her former self, that the federal government gave her Disability income. She has at last become what she thinks is the most holy of all things - a woman who doesn't have to work. But the price she has paid is so steep. She can't really take care of herself or function normally.

My husband and friends assure me, "you are nothing like her." But I'm 30 years old and I still have NO FUCKING IDEA what I want to do with my life. I'm staying at home with my son for now, but once this phase is over...I'm back out in the job market.

My dream, to avoid becoming like Mom, is to find a job, a field, that I love and can really sink my teeth into. But the reality to date does not support this hope. Just like my mother, my work history is stable (bosses love me) but dull. I've yet to find a job I enjoy. I've gone off to work with tears in my eyes too many times to count, and we're talking about some very different types of jobs here. I don't even know how to start looking for my place in the working world, you know?

But I feel like I need, NEED to find this place - to take care of myself, to not become helpless and withered like my mother.

I didn't mean to get so personal here. I guess the point is, it's a real problem. It's a damn shame that women who spend years devoted to caring for others aren't valued at all by the system. But we're not. So we've got to figure something else out.

[hydrogeek]

This is a very timely topic in my life. I have several childhood issues that continue to rear their ugly heads. I think probably those issues never go away, but having to continually figure them out and beat them down gets tiring. Standing here at 6 months pregnant with a 19 month old, I'm wondering how I'm going to find the time wipe my ass, much less deal with this stuff before I'm 60. I hope I manage, because I DO have a lot of joy in my life, if I can just enjoy it!

@Stacy - I wish I had some advice for you. I'm in a career I love, and that makes people think I should be able to help them with things like that, but the truth is I lucked out. I have friend who got to the point in her life where it seems like you are and with the support of her husband and parents, took 6 weeks off to go to taxidermy school. Not for everyone, I know, but my only advice is to take a risk like that if you find one you think is worth taking. Good luck!

[Nic]

Journaling helps me be honest with myself. And prioritizing working out and physical health seems to correlate with my emotional health. Having lots of supportive friends who will give you the straight dope when you need it is also good.

[michelle]

Stacy- I SO feel where you're at!

All I can say is that it can be really hard in your 30s not to feel doomed to repeat your Mom's situation. You see the signs now and think you've bought her entire destiny. That just isn't true.

Keep in mind, it doesn't have to be all about work. While you are looking for your dream job...find or cultivate interests on your lunch hour/evenings/weekends. I know this is really hard with small kids...my son is 10 months old and JUST THIS WEEK, I am finally getting back into the swing of things.

I agree with your point that it is a shame that women aren't valued by the system. But I've also seen women who have a great time in their sixties, travelling, hiking around rainforests, doing things they always wanted to do. My goal is to build up enough personal security (good health, finances, friends, etc.) so that "the system" really isn't important for me in my sixties.

[Anon for Now]

I liked Moxie raising the issue of dealing with friends. This might be off topic but I see a friend headed down a negative path and really don't know what to do. On the one hand, if I mention anything about the issues I could lose the friendship (pretty certain I would in fact). If I don't say anything and she continues down this path I fear losing the respect and comraderie that we have (i.e. she's turning in to a person I wouldn't choose to be friends with). Sometimes I admire men's relationships. If my husband has a friend who's turning into a jerk, he'll say "Dude, you are turning into a jerk. Cut that crap out!".

[Julie]

I spent my 20's trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to be when I grew up (and dating a lot of wrong guys and drinking a lot of beer). By my late 20's, early 30's I really had my shit together, knew who I was and what I wanted. But not enough. Now in my late 30's I'm having to re-evaluate a lot of stuff, and feel I'm on the precipice of another life-changing journey similar to Moxie's. I think women who are able to recognize they are unhapp, love themselves enough to decide that it is not an acceptable state of being for the long term, and have the support system to help them take that first step are the ones we see in their 60's who have that peace of mind and maturity a pp was talking about. I see it all the time, and if not for the joy of watching my children grow and learn, I am envious that I am not there yet.

But those are a lot of things for a woman to have lined up in order to avoid finding themselves in a state of turmoil later on.....brutal self-awareness that comes from self-reflection, self-esteem and self love, and people around you who support you in the bad and ugly, not just the fun and good. And let's face it....many women simply do not have those stars lined up for them.

I think I'm one of the lucky ones, because I *know* I can do this, and I'm pretty certain that I will. And I know that the people around me will rally and help me through the worst of it, and that there is a better side to things down the road.

I have faith that the small, still voice within is talking to me, and while not listening to that voice 6 years ago was maybe a mistake.....maybe it wasn't. I have one amazing kid and another one on the way. Just like every child is a blessing, every journey is a blessing too. It's just really hard to crawl out from under that rock of fear and move forward....which I suspect many women either do not have the ability to do, or more likely, the support in place to do it.

[Nella]

@ Stacy - I feel you! I am reaching my 30s ever so quickly and haven't figured out what I want "to do when I grow up"! I am currently at home with my son and we have another on the way so I know I will be at home for a time, which is fine, but I so want to find that "calling" or "passion" that so many seem to have. I am lucky that my husband is very encouraging. When I talked about wanting to go back to school to become an RN he was all for it, but I find that I get really overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork, calling, traveling, etc. that goes in to such a thing.

Currently I'm just looking for work to help make ends meet as a waitress. I really love food, cooking, and wine, but find that I'm not as interested in it as I once was while I worked in the kitchens of 5 star hotels and restaurants. (I believe my interest has waned merely because when I cook it's for our family and it's "okay what can I make in 10 minutes that everyone will eat?" which is depressing for me, frankly.)

Anyway, I know that I can't just sit around and wait for a light to go off that says DING! You love (fill in the blank)! But I really feel like that's what I'm currently doing. It is very frustrating and I hope to God that I figure things out by 60!

[Mme.G]

I read today's post thinking of my mother. She's just about to have an empty nest and my sisters and I have been speculating on what will happen once my parents are alone in the house together without any kids. Dad has been retired for about 5 years now, and she claims he's driven her crazy ever since. I'm afraid that without any kids around anymore, my parents will finally have to confront issues that should have been confronted before they were married. Mom's job is stressful, and she's under more stress trying to take care of her aging parents without a lot of help from her own sisters.

I'm trying to be the crying shoulder, but that's not always easy for either of us given our age differences and the mother-daughter relationship. (I can only stand so much complaining about my father before I start to get annoyed myself.)

On top of this, extended family issues seem to have come to a head, and like previous posters have said, it's tough to nip things like that in the bud when they start so small. I'm afraid she'll snap one day and I have no idea what form it will take. She's several years away from 60, so maybe there's hope for her yet...?

[Jen]

Wow this is a biggie, and particularly apt for me. Having seen my mum fall apart at the seams when she retired early (BAD move, as her business was all she had), I have been a bit more proactive. With a lot of family issues in the closet (many, many rattling skeletons), I decided to go into therapy. I have two kids under 3, and have had postnatal depression both times. I don't work, and as my previous job was 80 miles away, I won't be going back.

Tackling the demons is damned hard emotional work, but I think that if I don't, I will end up where my mum is now - few friends, a daughter who doesn't speak to her (not me, I hasten to add!), and nothing to really live for, as she's never lived alone until now and doesn't know what to do except self-destruct.

Despite having an appalling upbringing, I now have a wonderful partner and wonderful children, but I would like to have those in 30 years time, too. And be strong enough and self-reliant to deal with my children leaving home in 15+ years time. I know I can't do that on my own, without help.

A lot of people think about shoring up their pensions, investing in their children - but women don't think about investing in their emotional wellbeing. Therapy isn't necessarily the right thing for everyone - but anything so long as it's bit of 'me time' - is so important for our mental health, and hugely underestimated. I take great joy in seeing all these lovely lady bloggers heading to Blogher, if only for those days of time to be themselves first, and a parent second.

[anon]

ditto Diane. Maintain friendships, make new friends, have a life outside the walls of your home, however you can. Hey, some people join clubs, or volunteer, or go to church, or work for fun and profit, whatever. Intellectual stimulation!
If depression appears, get it treated right away. Prepare financially for possibility of being alone later.

[Today Wendy]

Oh Stacy, I totally hear where you're coming from with the "I don't want to be like my mom when I grow up". It is so tough. But my husband keeps reminding me that the very fact of my not wanting to be like my mom makes me very different from her!

I've honestly never worried about waking up at 60 and finding things were a mess. I guess my life has just been this steady uphill climb with things getting better and better every year. I don't know if this is denial on my part, or if it means I'll be ok at 60!

On the topic of wanting to find a job you're passionate about...I'm discovering that the jobs I have enjoyed the most (and I've had far too many of them, I really like change) are the ones where I have a best friend at work. Someone who I would choose to spend time with even if we didn't work together. I don't know how true this is for people in general, but sometimes the thing that is going to make you passionate about your work isn't the work itself...maybe it is the environment you work in. This isn't going to help with looking for a new job...but it might help if you're feeling miserable in the job you've got. And if your job makes you miserable...find a new one! (says the person who thrives on change and has been in one place for far too long).

[rita]

man, this one really hit home. my sister and I have a continuous discussion about this because our mother (only 50) seems to be losing it emotionally, and she often talks about how the last few decades (since childbirth) have really gained ground on her.

newly married, i'm finding that it is already a constant struggle every day to remember who i am as an individual and be happy. i think the slippery slope is unique to women, especially women with children, because they spend so much time dishing it out for their family, with little left for themselves. before most women know it, 20 years have past.

also, what moxie said about keeping our friends in check is SO important. i have friends who are doing things that are hurting themselves and their marriages, and it is very, very hard to even mention that they perhaps may be on the wrong path. how do you intervene? i know that if i were heading in a *bad* direction, i'd want someone to give me a heads up, but it is impossible to guarantee that people feel comfortable enough to do this.

[anon]

@Stacey - I have similar feelings when I look at my mother and the bad choice after bad choice she makes. And I get the same words from my friends and family the "you are nothing like your mother" but I feel it is such a slippery slope. Part of her problem is that she is fundamentally unhappy and chooses to try and fill the void by making herself the person she thinks everyone else wants her to be. But that just feeds the unhappiness and adds a thick layer of denial - of who she is and how unhappy she really is.

And I find myself in my thirties and almost happy - it is a small crack that I'm so scared of I'm trying to ignore but at the back of my mind I secretly obsess over. I keep telling myself that no one is happy all the time and most people would look at my life and think it is a pretty good one. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, I have a good job, I'm about to start school to advance my career with the full support of my partner and yet I still find days when I want to take the tot and just go somewhere new and start all over.

[Kate]

Two major things for me: I see a shrink and I keep a blog, which I re-read fairly regularly. Every once in a while, when I go back to entries I wrote 3 years ago, I see a kernel of something that has grown to be more (and I see plenty that just dried up).

That said, my poor Mum & Dad (70) still have my brother at home and will likely never be fully free to go as nuts as they deserves/really are.

[Elle]

I love what Diane D. wrote. Stacy, I was with you all the way – until the very last bit “It's a damn shame that women who spend years devoted to caring for others aren't valued at all by the system. But we're not. So we've got to figure something else out.”

I’m just not sure that’s where the problem lies. I’ve heard this from my mom for years. She stayed home with her kids, and though we were pretty much all launched by the time she was 50 (10 years ago – and the women in her family typically live to like 90) she has never re-entered the workforce, doesn’t volunteer and doesn’t really have any friends. Her whole world revolves around her adult children and her grandchildren, for whom she now acts as caregiver. Although she has good days and bad overall I’d characterize her as seeming depressed and I’ve had that impression of her as far back as I remember. I have no idea what “the system” could have done for her to infuse her with a sense of self-worth if she doesn’t feel any sense of accomplishment from having made a home and raised a bunch of successful kids. That lack of self-esteem kept her from getting back out into wider society, and the subsequent isolation just compounds the whole thing.

The reality is raising children takes so much out of us, but it only lasts a small fraction of our lives (if we are lucky and live long). I’m in my 30s and contemplating a third. Even if we go for it my last will hit 18 by about the time I’m 55. That leaves a lot of years of living without kids being the focus.

Moxie the post you wrote a while ago about embarking on your new life kind of relates to this for me. Basically I read it and couldn’t relate at all. It made me wonder if perhaps I had issues going on that I just wasn’t highly evolved enough to recognize right now, but would come back to bite me later!

[Rbelle]

I sort of have the opposite problem - my parents both just retired this past year and seem to be enjoying themselves ridiculously. Now that my dad doesn't have a desk job, he's more willing to do work around the house, which decreases the amount of bickering they do. They're traveling all over the place, they go to the movies together every week, they spend lots of time with the grandkids.

I'm trying to figure out how to ensure that my husband and I and our some-day family end up in the same place.

The thing is, I think both my parents invested a lot of work in their eventual happiness, sometimes choosing to be "unhappy" in the now. My dad worked for years in a job he didn't really like, but now has a kick-ass retirement package. My mom stayed home and raised her kids, which she loved, but then took various jobs just to earn a little extra money that I don't think were all that fulfilling. Yet if you ask her about her life, she'll say she has no regrets, and that she's had a really good one (so far).

I'm in awe that they managed to find such a balance between enjoying their day to day lives, and putting up with the daily grind in order to have such a freeing retirement. Obviously, their lives aren't perfect, and I worry about their eventual health, but for now, they seem to be having a great time.

My in-laws, on the other hand (same age as my parents), appear to be in considerable debt, have seemingly no plan for (his) retirement, and barely spend time together anymore. While my FIL is a naturally upbeat person, my MIL seems to be "going through the motions" so much that it's scary.

I know some of this is under my control (being smart financially, making good investments, not bailing out my adult children at every turn, ahem), while some isn't (all my grandparents have passed away - while I'd rather have my parents live forever, even my mom admits that she's lucky not to have to deal with the stress and financial drain of ailing parents), but I feel like there's some magic formula I'm always trying to solve: x + y = ending up like my parents, not like his. And yet I'm not sure I'm up to all the same kinds of sacrifices they've made. Heck, I'm not even sure if it's something they did, or if we've just been extremely lucky as a family.

If it's the latter, I hope some of that luck rubbed off :P

[anona momma]

The decisions I made in my late 20s were good, solid decisions. Moved away from a dysfunctional/destructive family & hometown, got sober, found a wonderful person to marry, started my search for a career or calling that would speak to my soul. This year I turned thirty and I'm shocked at where I am. An infant, the suburbs, postpartum depression, no career, no friends or family nearby, eating fast food, hopeless about the world. I see a shrink, struggle to work on my art, attempt to get out of the house every day. But I feel so alone. I don't like where I live. And I don't like having a baby, which is a shock to me. Not what I expected at all. I love my baby, don't get me wrong, but I'm bored and stressed and feel resentful that I have no time to myself. There is not a moment in my day when I don't feel like a bad mother, because of my feelings about it. And I'm afraid the baby is going to grow up knowing I regretted having it. I wish I could let it go. But I'm sleep deprived and can't make sense of things.

[Kelly]

For the women who feel they need to find a career they're passionate about, I wonder... why? Why do you have to have passion about your job? Couldn't you have that passion, the passion that really speaks of who you are inside, in your hobbies? your extra-curricular's?

I've never felt passion about work. The things I am passionate about tend to be stuff I can't do to earn a living. Right now I stay at home with my kids, and I'm starting up a hand made soap business, but once the kids are in school full-time and if my business doesn't take off I'll be getting a job. I doubt, though, that it'll be anything I'm passionate about. A job is a job, for me. I believe there are people who have jobs and people who have careers they're passionate about. That's great, but I refuse to feel like there's something wrong with me just because I don't have a career.

[ACJ]

I find myself thinking about the difference between "happy" and "not crazy". Life is hard and mid-life is really hard for a lot of women. Take the horomonal changes, change to life work, sex drive, marriage dynamic, loss of adult children to their own lives (and that is a loss for every parent, no matter how healthy the family) and you've got a recipe for a bit of unhappy in your 60s.

So what keeps some unhappy from turning into a lot of crazy? Probably the same things that help now, the biggest being reducing the gap between expectations and reality. It's that gap that kicks us in the ass, isn't it? I call it the power of low expectations in my better moments, but there is truth to it. I expected the first year of motherhood to be ruinous and it has only surprised me by how possible it turns out to be, hard though it remains. On the other hand, I expected my husband to transcend his family history and love me the way my parents love each other. Bad expectation. Happily, I learned this year that I can love him even if he never loves the way I think he ought and somehow that has turned into me feeling his love again.

So maybe if we expect work to save us from crazy, we're setting ourselves up for that very crazy because externals just can't do that.

Umm, not so helpful now that I re-read that. But my thoughts for today.

[Moxie]

anonamomma, if your babe is under a year, you're really not the only one who feels like that. And it's not always going to feel that way.

[rita]

@Elle: Maybe not the system, but what about gender roles? The problems with my mother began when she and my father divorced, and like Stacy's mother, she was betrayed emotionally by my father. These problems run deep in our genders, and *not* naturally, they are problems because society creates them. Women must be thin, reliable, NICE, raise children, and not annoy their husbands. Husbands must provide, and if their lady gets too psycho on them, they are allowed to run off with someone younger/less annoying.

I'm not trying to bash men as a whole. I love my father, and I know plenty of men who do NOT fit this role. I'm just saying that our society is structured to be brutal to women. In a way, they are abandoned.

[caro]

Moxie, thanks for addressing my question. I'm reading all the responses with interest and don't have a ton of time but wanted to say ...

to anona momma ... I am so sorry you're in that awful place right now. I have felt that way, and I think many of us have, many more than will admit it. I wish I could offer you something that would help. The best thing I can think to say is that things change. They really do. It sounds like you hate having a baby most days right now, but here's one of the things that sleep deprivation can make you overlook: You will not always have a baby--you'll have a toddler and then a preschooler, etc. etc. and it will be DIFFERENT. I swear. So different. You will sleep. You will breathe. You will not always resent it.

to ACJ ... what a smart perspective. 60 has got to be a hard age to hit, and some of the "crazy" spectrum must be better and worse ways of weathering those transitions. And I'm with you on the low expectations theory.

to Kelly ... I'd been thinking the folks talking about needing passion for work meant it more as an example of one way to keep yourself real and alive--something to put yourself into other than your kids. It sounds like your "extracurriculars" serve that same function.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

How not to go crazy as we get older, means one thing to *me*—pay attention now. I had to learn this the hard way, in an almost life threatening way.
In my thirties I was consumed by my life, my kids, my career (I wasn’t doing parenting then) and I didn’t pay attention to my health or the extreme stress I was under. One morning I found a lump in my breast, it was benign, but the lesson was profound.

As I look back at that moment in my life I know now how huge of a wake up call that was for me, and that brings me to my point.
Everyone is different and yet everyone is the same. Everyone receives wake up calls. Wake up calls come in many, many different forms. The big question is *do we listen* to the messages or do we let our lives distract us? Can we pay attention to the small signals that show up year after year and deal with them now so the issue doesn’t grow into huge road-blocks that consume us later in life, which is what the question is about.

It might help to think of it like this. We all know that during early childhood a child goes through developmental stages. If the parent doesn’t address what the child needs to learn during that stage the issue will chase the child into the next stage. Here’s an example. If you don’t help a child learn how to manage bossy behavior at 5 then she plays with being bossy for a while until life shows her that being bossy doesn’t work, people don’t respond the way you thought they would.

Adults go through stages too, we’re not done growing yet either! If we don’t address something we need to learn in our lives, the issue remains with us and will chase us and get bigger until we deal with it.

Whatever a person needs to learn in life does come knocking. The lesson sends us messages, tries to get our attention, rings bells to say hey, look at this in your life, and creates “freaky spiritual experiences” (I have them too!) until we pay attention to what’s really going in our lives. It’s up to us to decide when we pay attention. It’s up to us to decide how loud the message needs to be before we listen.

Being honest with yourself at the moment when you feel the emotion is the key. And being honest can be terrifying; it was for me. When I found the lump I was in a place where I hated my life, my job, my everything. I would cry on the way to work and scream all the way home. After the lump was removed I realized I had stopped nurturing myself completely, I wasn’t listening to my needs at all. I was terrified that if I listened to my needs my life would fall apart, so I lied to myself. The lump forced me to deal with myself. And I realized if my life fell apart, so be it, it wasn’t the life I wanted anyway. I came to see that the stress, disappointment and fear was literally poisoning me from the inside out. So I quit my job.
At 50, know I won’t go crazy later on in life because I’m now willing to deal with myself as things come up versus have them chase me until they consume me. That was my lesson.

I just read this to my husband and he said, “here is a very male point of view. Deal with your sh*t before you sh*t deals with you.” I guess I needed a lesson in brevity!

[Cloud]

@anona momma- not everyone enjoys the early baby stage of motherhood. I know that I found it to be really, really difficult and not as rewarding as some other mothers said they found it. But now my Pumpkin is a toddler, and I'm loving it- tantrums and all. It is still hard, but I'm really enjoying watching her figure things out, and watching her start to express herself. I'm trying to remember that there will be some ages when I enjoy her more, and that is OK, as long as I always love her and try to take care of her needs (physical and emotional). Don't beat yourself up over that feeling you're having. It doesn't make you a bad mother. And definitely recognize that sleep deprivation makes everything seem soooo much worse. Really. There is a reason interrogators use sleep-deprivation as a technique to get suspects to crack. Humans need to sleep.

For those of you wondering "what do I want to be when I grow up"- I went through a period a few years back where I started to question my career choices. I ended up working with a career counselor to figure out what I really enjoy doing, and to think about specific jobs that would map to that. Career counselors can be expensive, but there are lots of books out there that lead you through similar techniques. "What Color is Your Parachute" is one of the most famous. I can tell you that the exercises that helped me the most were: (1) writing a work history, where I wrote what I did at each job I'd ever had and also wrote what I liked and disliked; (2) developing a list of "career values" where I figured out what things were most important to me to be happy in a job (for instance, I need to feel like I'm working on hard problems and I like to work in a team).

[laura]

I read an article recently that said that many of the diseases attributed to age had to do with personal decisions--diet, smoking, drinking ... and social isolation also made the list. I'm an extremely shy person and have a very hard time keeping and making friends. I work part time at a job I like well enough, but have very litter interaction with others there, and it is, well work. And, I stay home with my son the rest of the time, and while I'm in a mom's group, I have a hard time reaching out. So I've gotten myself into therapy, to work through this issue as well as others. We've also started looking for a church to attend, for the community almost more than the content at this point (but content is important, of course). We'll see.
How do you avoid this? Mindfulness is a big part of it, I think. Be prepared to work on yourself and to change--it is hard but worth it.

[Diane D]

anona momma-- I too was miserable after my baby was born. I was convinced we'd made a terrible mistake. I loved him...but I very down and struggling to make it through the day...heck even the hour.

My saving grace was knowing that my sister had felt the same way-- so I didn't feel guilty about feeling that way, didn't feel like a bad mother. And the feeling passed, and things got better, they get better day by day (my son is almost 1 now).

Anyway just wanted to say-- don't feel guilty for regretting your decision. It's ok to feel that way. Tons of moms feel that way at first. I sure did. Things WILL get better!!!

[stacy]

@laura: That is so true about social isolation! Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of things about modern life, but I think that's one area where we (Western society, or whatever you want to call it) fail miserably. It's really nobody's fault - we evolved to live in tribal groups, but now everybody is isolated and mobile. Moxie's talked a lot about how to make friends as a mom, and how important those friendships are in keeping you out of the jaws of depression. And that never changes. We're really meant to have a support system of multi-generational women around us as we age. But we're lucky if we have half a dozen decent friends, and you're right - it is deliberate hard work to get them and keep them.

@Elle: "I have no idea what “the system” could have done for her to infuse her with a sense of self-worth if she doesn’t feel any sense of accomplishment from having made a home and raised a bunch of successful kids."

Well, I think this in part comes back to that therapy thing everyone is talking about :) Personally, I get a lot of juice from external validation. I know, I know. I shouldn't. In an ideal world I could look at the fruits of my at-home labor, feel pride, and be content with it.

But I'm aware of the world enough to know that what I do has little value "out there." Sure, people throw around a lot of platitudes about the importance of raising good kids. But talk about being a SAHM and you hear, "oh, I could never do that, I'd be so bored." And, "you're so lucky not to have to work."

And because there is no financial compensation for this work, too. We live in a capitalist society - and while I actually like capitalism, for the most part, it really has no room for the SAHM gig. People become defined by the kind of productive labor they do - "productive" meaning "money-earning." I think it's really hard for a woman to gain confidence when she's surrounded by these messages. If she's the sort of beautiful soul who believes in herself regardless of exterior messages, then great. But a lot of us aren't - certainly, most of the crazy 60 year olds aren't.

It is true, too, that it's not all about work. And that's an important point I left out of my rant. My mother was not only miserable at her job(s), she didn't have anything much outside of work - other than sitting in front of the TV - either. Big mistake on her part!

But work matters because I think this all ties in to the idea of financial independence. As in, a lifelong homemaker doesn't have any. I personally am close friends with three women that are staying in bad marriages because they haven't worked for a while and don't want to go back. And those are just the ones I'm close enough to know about! Now, of course there are many many other factors...but in the end, when they talk about it, it always comes back to that. "Finances are impossible on my own. I don't want to (or know how to) get a job. How will I pay for child care?" That is not a position of power. Women who stay home can feel like they have no control over their own lives because they have no "money of their own" and aren't sure of their employment options. Even if a marriage is sound, the idea that you do absolutely depend on your husband for your livelihood can be very belittling. At least, I find it so. There is no value to what I do in the larger world, so if he withdraws his support, I am entirely sunk. I can see how that would lead to depression in an older woman, even if she can point to a herd of successful kids.

[steph]

Not a ton of time to read thru all the comments but Stacy's jumped out at me and I felt inclined...

@Stacy, I soo feel for what you are saying. You mention that we women have to figure something else out, and many of us really do. In my estimation we need to look within for our validation, not look to a superficial nod from 'the system'.

I believe that if we do things as wholly as possible, from a place of love rather than fear, then the judgements of others or society as a whole, tend not to matter much. I hope you find and pursue your passion, regardless of how it is perceived on the outside.

I hope you find, as I did, your 30's to be a wonderful time of self acceptance as well.

[Joy]

I just started reading Eleanor Coppola's (wife of Francis Ford) new book called Notes On A Life, and though I'm not quite halfway through it yet, she ruminates a lot on this very subject. How she spent years focused on family and has only just recently realized that she needs to focus on her creative outlets in order to feel whole. I'm finding it to be a very beautiful and poignant portrait of her life as she sees it now, and I can identify a lot with those feelings. In my early thirties, with three young children, I don't have nearly the opportunities to concentrate on my own creative outlets, and I miss that, but I am happy living my life with the demands it has now, knowing that eventually (hopefully) I'll have more of those opportunities as my children mature.

I don't agree that the system doesn't value women who spend their lives caring for others. I think if you value yourself for whatever you devote your life to, what 'the system' values doesn't matter much.

@anonamomma- I'll echo what others have said: It is really hard at this stage... hang in there... it will get better.

I'll say that, over the past six months or so, I've gone through a period of really focusing more on taking care of myself in small, daily habits kinds of ways. I'm not really sure how it started, but I think Moxie's 60 day challenges had something to do with it. Just focusing on a doing a few little things everyday, putting lotion on my dry skin, painting my nails, and drinking more water have snowballed and now I excercise daily (and I've never excercised before in my life), I've lost a lot of weight, I have way more energy, I take better care of my house and my family, I enjoy sex more, and my husband even told me yesterday that I have this glow about me. I'd been in the 'muddle through' period for at least eight years, and I had been having some small 'freaky spiritual experiences' that I finally decided to listen to, I think.

I hope that I can keep this up; right now I just feel so good about what I've accomplished I can't imagine ever going back.

[stacy]

@rita: "I'm just saying that our society is structured to be brutal to women. In a way, they are abandoned."

YES! I think you said that a heck of a lot better, and more briefly, than I managed to. I can - and sure have - stand back and bemoan the fact that my mother never really valued herself. And I agree a thousand times over that she did need to do that, that would have been the best way to some sort of peace, and if she had taken better care of herself then she wouldn't be in the terrible place she's in today.

But, that still opens up so many questions. For women who haven't had spiritual experiences or found their way to fulfilling professions outside the home or put a priority on taking care of themselves...how are they supposed to get there? We read this blog, we're actively thinking about these things. We're already one step ahead. But most women aren't. They don't live in a bubble; they can't help hearing when the world says they should be bringing home money. Just like they can't help hearing that they need to be a size 2. I guess all I was saying is that this problem is a lot bigger than every woman looking in the mirror and deciding she likes herself. That's an excellent thing, but it's never going to happen if the wider support system isn't there.

[Moxie]

Stacy, you'd soooo not be "entirely sunk." You would find a job, you'd find childcare. It would be hard and you'd feel like you were failing your kids in some ways even while you were trying to save them. But thousands of women have and are doing it, and you would, too. And we'd be behind you all the way, honey.

Those women you know are making a choice. Those of us who have left made a different choice. But often our financial/career circumstances were the same going in. It was other factors that led to the different choices.

[stacy]

You're right, Moxie, I can't claim to know what goes on in other people's private marriages. Hahaha, talk about hubris.

But I do know that's what my friends talk about. And talk about and talk about. They speculate about leaving their marriages all the time. But the conversation always seems to end with them being absolutely overwhelmed by the logistics and finances. Maybe they're just using the finances to represent all the many other complications of getting divorced, especially with kids (it's a lot easier to say "I can't afford it!" than "I'm scared I'll ruin my kids' lives!" or "I really would miss him too much no matter how tough things get.")

But I find it a frightening pattern nonetheless. You're right - if I got divorced tomorrow, I personally would do fine. It wouldn't be my first divorce, and I survived the last one all right :) And we all would do fine, I think. So many of the women I know don't have that confidence, though, and I guess I worry about how in the world they're going to get it. I'm a fairly confident and fortunate person, but I've already made several big life decisions based on fear, though at least I recognize it and try to fight it. How many of us are living like that all the time, without even realizing it?

[ames]

@anona mamma: my son is 19 months old and a year ago, I was EXACTLY where you are (new baby, new move, no family or friends around, more than a touch of PPD, quit my job to be at home full time, etc., etc.). You actually verbalized it a lot better than I could have at that point! I felt like the worst mother/wife/person in the world. I was so sleep deprived, I couldn't think straight. Now a year later, it is easier...not easy...but definitely easier. And I'm enjoying this mothering thing more. Don't lose hope!

[Cloud]

@Stacy - those people who say they would be bored as a SAHM either haven't ever stayed home with a baby, or had very different babies than I do.... some days when I was home with Pumpkin, I was frazzled and/or distraught, but I was certainly never bored! I went back to work 3 days/week when Pumpkin was 3 months old, and I was struck by how much easier my work days were than my at home days. Hubby (who had the inverse schedule) said the same.

I once told Hubby that I found it a little weird that the thing I have done in my life that is by far the hardest (be a mother) is the thing that seems to get the least recognition from society at large. I do feel like I get more recognition for my other, work-based role. But I also know that my sister, who doesn't have kids, has said that she sometimes feels that she is not valued as much because she isn't a mother. So I think some of this is a reflection of what we feel insecure about. I was surprised by how hard I found it to become a mother (I was naive/arrogant before it happened, I think) so perhaps I feel insecure about my mothering skills, and am looking for more external validation. I've already worked through a lot of my career-related insecurities. I'm a female scientist- I had to work through these or I would have quit when some guy said that he didn't think women could ever be as good men at X, where X is some skill I needed for my research. SO I no longer need as much external validation there. Earlier in my life, I did need more external validation as a scientist, and I remember having doubts about my scientific skills that were actually pretty similar to my doubts about my mothering skills now. Hmmmm.... I hadn't thought about that before. I maybe just learned something useful about myself!

[Amy]

I just finished reading "Perfect Madness; Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" and I really recommend it - it examines the current crises of motherhood, the perfectionism, the unsustainability of the social expectations (or at least the expectations we put on ourselves, and she examines why those exist in the first place), AND some historic analysis of the state of motherhood across several generations, what has changed and what hasn't in terms of the pressures mothers experiences, etc etc. The author also has a nice and pretty solid rant against the government and what it does NOT do to help families sustain themselves. She compares it to the systems available in France, at least for mothers of very young babies.

Phew.

@Stacy - me too. Mother left by father after lifetime of staying home to care for the family, left without anything, no job skills or retirement funds, massive mental breakdown. I *must* avoid this scenario, but working full time is almost killing me right now.

@Elle - I think that the crushing sensation of being devalued by society once your kids are grown and gone is something like an identity crisis. And it isn't one that's tended to through any kind of cultural recognition of the years of service. It would be something like having an employer of 25 years say, "OK! Great! We're all good now. You can go," and feeling utterly at a loss, which I think a lot of retirees experience, and which is somehow OK to talk about and has at least a little legitimacy in the eyes of our society. Or maybe in some cases, it's like being in prison for 40 years and suddenly being set at the curb with a change of clothes and nothing else. (Sort of joking, here ... I think?)

Maybe there needs to be a halfway house for longtime SAHMs. At least, some social support for making that transition.

Personally, I am looking for a good therapist right now, so that I can really revision my sense of self and my hopes for the future. I am totally lost, having been very surprised at how much motherhood takes out of me, and how little I have left to give to my career at the end of the day ...

[Jessica]

Once I was half watching either Oprah or an Oprah-like show and they had a speaker talking about this issue. Basically the speaker said that before something blows up in our lives, normally there are many small warning signs and we just have to look/listen hard for them and not ignore our inner voice. I was facing something of a family crisis at the time, and I remember thinking yes, there were 4-5 times over the past 5 years where I thought "oh thank goodness worst case scenario X didn't happen this time, but what if it did?" and my sister and father and I didn't do anything significant to change the situation because it would have been so difficult. And then it all blew up in a way that I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined. I so shocked on one level, and so not surprised on the other.

So now I think about that experience every time the little voice in side my head tells me that something isn't quite right. For me, when I hear that little voice, I pray very hard for guidance about what to do and the wisdom to recognize the answer when God presents it to me. I know this isn't something everyone will do, but I think that consiously looking for warning signs and listening to your gut even when it is hard is something that could be universally applicable. I also know that there have been times since then when I still missed the answer, and there are cases where I am still praying for the asnwer. Also, I constantly have to battle my own neurotic tendancies in order to determine if it is a real nagging problem or just something that I am being crazy and obsessing about for no real reason. But overall this has helped me tremendously.

On a more practical level, my husband and I try to really communicate about our long-term goals for retirement, kids, family, etc. We both have lived through some really bad family situations in the last few years, and they have really influenced us. Even though we bicker about little things constantly (always have, always will) and have gone through our share of rough times as the parents of little kids, we are really fortunate to know that we are on the same long-term path. And I really only know that because we make a point of talking about it and working on it on a regular basis, since we've seen the dangers of not doing that first-hand.

[Maggie]

Moxie, thanks for this post. It comes at a great time for me, too. Both my MIL and mother have their issues that cause the greater family pain and misery. I am determined to create my own happiness and not blame my family later for not being proactive now. This will come at the price the anger of these women (and others, certainly) for not validating their choices by following in their footsteps. I want to set a good example for my own daughter and not blame her later for the choices I make now. I have been at the cusp of giving up everything I have worked for before I had my daughter, but this post is a caution not to. I have been clinically depressed for a loong time and I think the key thorn to extract is this idea I have to sacrifice myself and give up everything for my family. Bollocks.

[anotheranon]

@Jessica: I know what you're talking about with the "you have warning signs before something blows up." I think it is so true. After being forced to face the most difficult problem in my life due to a marriage crisis, I can say that I pay much more attention to those small warning signals, and am much readier to say, "X feels off. I don't know what it is. Do you know?" instead of always feeling like I have to have a rational reason for why I feel the way I do. It's like applying "the Gift of Fear" to your marriage, which makes it easier to apply to your life if you practice.

As far as work goes, I always loved my career, but politics within the workplace and a lack of measurable progress in overwhelming problems have made it impossible for me to find external validation. It's a good lesson to apply to mothering, but one I still struggle with. I'm trying very hard now to just enjoy it and think of it as a job, instead of a mission (my job, that is, not mothering).

Even so, my mother looms in the picture like a crazy Titanic-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean sized warning sign. She LOST HER MIND when my father left her for another woman 20 years ago, and now spends her days finding and fostering conflicts with ANYBODY she can find to engage with her. She is a nightmare customer and no one will hire her, so she is jobless. Her priest even threatened to kick her out of her church. She is very lonely, though, too, and it is really, really sad. She's one of those people Moxie talks about; anyone who has tried to give her a reality check just gets dropped, which has left her friendless and very dependent on her reluctant and resentful children, and of course, her health is decaying big time.

[toomuchstrong]

I wanted to tell a story of two women in completely different situations both in their 60s/early 70s dealing with, and living life very differently. I don't have any advice here, but I keep these two women in mind when I start thinking about me growing old because their lives offer some valuable lessons for me.
The first woman, Margie is my ex-boyfriend's mother whom I respected tremendously during the four years I was dating my ex. She had lost her college sweetheart/husband just a few months after they were married to leukemia. She became a flight attendant for a while, then she met her husband at work on a flight who was from Argentina and was studying at a university in the States. They married and had two kids. She taught art to preschool kids when they were first married (she had an art degree from college), but then stayed at home with the kids. Her husband committed suicide when my ex, the younger kid, was 3 years old. She picked up the pieces after the suicide, started dating, (probably started working too although I think the husband's company gave her quite a bit of insurance money to live off of for a while), met a widower who had 3 small kids that he wasn't able to take care of and they got married. Now she was taking care of 5 kids, treating all of them as her very own. She had always had a wonderful sense of art so she renovated/decorated their house beautifully. So much so that her friends and neighbors started asking her to do decorating jobs for them. Thus, a small business took off. As the kids got older, she was able to get more involved in her business and she also started trying out different recipes from Gourmet and other fancy magazines. Slowly she became a gourmet chef. Then she started to exercise and got into wonderful shape. In the meantime, things at home weren't so rosy. Her husband didn't appreciate her and in fact it became abundantly clear that he only married her because he needed to find mother for his children. He was cold and unloving to her and by the time the youngest was a freshman in college, she divorced him. He was shocked and had a hard time letting go (and understanding how years of emotional abuse would cause a person to want to leave), but slowly he found his own place and they worked out an amicable situation. She decided to renovate a cottage in the back of her house and started renting it out to international short-term visiting professors. This way, she would make some extra money on the side. She stayed involved with a few local charities, spent lots of time outdoors hiking, running, kayaking, and traveling and eventually met a man who was just like her! He was also divorced with a couple of grown children and had the same interests. He was also completely devoted to her. And there is the end of story one. My ex and I broke up, but I kept in touch with Margie for a bit.
The other story is of my mother-in-law who grew up in a traditional family, married a man that her parents basically picked out for her, had 3 children, moved to the Midwest because of him for 15 years, uprooted her 3 children, then moved back to the East Coast because my father-in-law wanted to live on the water in the town they grew up in. They barely have any family nearby, their kids (my husband, me, our now almost two kids,and my sister-in-law) all live in DC, but alas they didn't settle near us. They are about an 8 hour drive away now, getting older, needing help, but because they aren't willing to move down near us, we can't give much help. My MIL set up her life to revolve around my FIL and his career (he was a dentist turned university professor turned retiree turned part-time college instructor) and maintained few interests. She raised the kids, cooked, cleaned and took care of her very selfish and self-absorbed husband. She likes living where they live for about 3 months out of the year and then it's cold the rest of the time. HOwever, he has a teaching job and he doesn't mind the weather, so they stay where he wants to stay. She had a couple of jobs through the years, but nothing fulfilling and it seems to me that her main job was always taking care of her husband and the household (not a small job!). She is smart, ivy-league educated, comes from a solid family, they have money, a nice house, three healthy kids, two grandchildren and now at age 72 she is clinically depressed. She finds little joy in anything, has little energy and my FIL is puzzled. He has spent all of his life focusing on himself while his wife stood by and kept quiet about what she wanted and now, incredibly, she is finally beaten down. I believe that depression is chemical as well as situational and in her case it is definitely both, but she is the negative example of how one woman, with every chance for happiness in life was too dishonest, out of touch? to create and sustain lasting happiness for herself. He had emotionally abused her throughout their marriage, but she never stood up for herself.
Even though Margie provides an example of a woman who fell and fell and fell, she is so heroic to me because she also rose and rose and rose. My MIL never fell until it is now almost too late. She spoke of possible divorce, but it's not going to happen now. They are both too old and he doesn't want a divorce and of course she is now in no condition to make any decision about anything at all because she is deep in a debilitating depression. My heart aches for her, but I also walk away with a lesson which is pretty simple: be honest with yourself about what or who makes you happy. And don't be afraid to ask questions and to demand more of your life no matter what age you are.

[Buffy]

This couldn't be more timely for me. My mom spent her life married to a man who did not treat her well. When all the kids had gone, she got up the courage to tell him how she felt. They split, got back together, and now, at 72, she's in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. How do I not repeat that? I am married to a man who treats me well, but I have an issue that is just as deep seated, just as hard to deal with. It's been with me since I was a child and it will take all the courage and honesty I have to deal with it. Thanks for putting this question out there; I needed it.

[hedra]

I'm stuck not having time to read the comments, which I'm sure are their usual array of wonderful.

So, jumping into the fray without reading...

I don't know that I'd recommend my route - have regular crises that require soul-searching and brutal honesty. One a decade is about right. Long enough to have some accumulated work and some growth and change and a new path and maturing needs, short enough that while it's a lot of work to dig out, it is big enough to take seriously.

For preventive maintenance, I do have a few ideas:

1) Good habits of mind. There's a series put out for educators (by ASCD) called Habits of Mind, which talks about how to exercise your critical thinking, including asking questions like 'how do I know that I have all the information I need?' and 'what are the agendas involved here?' and 'am I being as critical and analytical with the path/theory/idea that matches my own bias as I am with those that differ?' It also deals with the 'feedback spiral' concept as Moxie noted:
a) clarify goals/purposes
b) plan
c) take action/experiment
d) assess/gather evidence
e) study/reflect/evaluate
f) modify actions based on new knowledge
g) revisit and clarify goals/purposes... repeat repeat repeat

There are 16 habits of mind that the series talks about. For this particular issue, I'd emphasize:

1) persisting - it's like riding a horse: there's no time when you're on the horse that you can just be sitting there letting the horse take you wherever it wants to go - you are ALWAYS actively riding as long as you are on the horse. Same with understanding and empathizing with yourself. When I allow myself a 'coast' I end up somewhere I didn't want to be, and sometimes it means landing splat in the dirt.

2) Listening with understanding and empathy - to ourselves, and to those who are trying to say something but are trying to not hurt our feelings at the same time. That sense of unease, should I ignore it, brush it off, am I unhappy with what is but am more afraid of changing it? Is it okay to stay here due to fear of what is out there? This takes some emotional courage, but it gets easier with practice. I've been not so good at listening to myself with empathy. Listening, yes, empathy, not so much. When I started trying again (in a more serious way, kind of following the Non-violent communication method, which feels really awkward at first but morphs into natural with some use), I wanted to cry all the time for about two weeks - so MUCH not empathizing with myself was building up! It was mainly about the stresses of being a parent, all of which I *accept* but which needed not a listening ear from others (which I have), but a listening and empathetic ear from MYSELF (which I was blowing off).

3) Metacognition - thinking about thinking, that is. Am I being blind to my own errors of logic? Am I using the same measures on myself as others? Where am I placing value in my thoughts (and therefore choices and actions) that is counter to my actual values?

4) Thinking and communicating with clarity and precision. Maybe precision isn't as essential on this one (or maybe it is?). But communicating clearly with others and self, super-essential. I've been caught a good dozen times in the past week NOT communicating clearly or precisely. It's bugging the peep out of ep, as he's working with one set of data (what I've communicated) and I'm working with another set (including what I haven't). One of our rules for our relationship is NO MIND-READING ALLOWED. Not to be asked, assumed, or attempted. If it wasn't said, nobody knows it. Period. So... um, bad me. I'd like to think I wasn't expecting him to mind-read, but really, I was just assuming he'd KNOW, which amounts to the same thing. A lot of the 'missing something for myself' stuff, personal issues cycling, etc., can and will be supportively handled if I just open my mouth and SAY something. Clarity, self-empathy (meaning I have enough compassion for myself to not feel uncomfortable saying it), and some guidance for others in how to respond (seriously, the non-violent communication thing makes it much easier to expose that-which-makes-me-wince-about-myself), all very helpful in opening up those closed doors.

Okay, so I'm touting the non-violent communication thing today. It works, so ... well, it works. I'm sure there are other ways (counseling, therapy of various stripes, other open communication techniques, mediation-type communication, etc.). This one I've encountered in counseling before, and it irritated the HECK out of me. People who use it exactly as written still irritate me a bit. But I also recently noticed that an old friend of mine (fabulous teacher) uses the method easily and smoothly with kids, and it doesn't sound like psycho-babble. Practice, I guess.

Anyway, those are my best bets - I can feel a lot of the stuff I'd otherwise be dealing with in post-crisis mode coming up more gently and being handled more in the moment than waaaaaaay after it has built up to flood level. I'm capturing more of my need to write, I'm doing more small course corrections than big ones, I'm feeling a lot more on top of the parenting challenges of the moment (even when I'm messing up, I'm seeing what is going on, where I'm missing, why, how, and how to get out of it sooner). The habits of mind are part of that, too.

Sucks a lot less than the 'major relationship disaster' or the 'post-miscarriage crushing depression'... effective without catastrophic pain? I'll take that option.