PQotW: Letter to your kids

Ooh--my first Philosophical Question of the Week from a reader. Joyanna poses the question:

"My husband and I are about to go on a week's vacation without our 3 kids ( ages 8, 6, and 20 mos.) from whom I've never been away for more than one night, three times, ever. 

While I'm totally excited for the trip and totally confident they'll do fine with Grandma and Grandpa and Nanny Aunt for the week, I'm thinking a little about Worst Case Scenario, plane goes down, whatever, and that I'd like to write a letter for my kids to read Just In Case, and for them to refer to as they grow up.  I wonder what your readers would include in such a letter... what would be your best advice to your children if you knew they wouldn't have you around as they grew up... what would you leave them with?"

That's a tough one. On the one hand, it would be tempting to lay it all out there: "I loved you more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and becoming your mother turned me into a real person." But is that too much to lay on a kid? I don't know. Maybe something like "My greatest joy was being with you and watching you become who you are."

As to advice? Hmmm. "God is real. Trust your instincts. Look for the helpers." That might cover it for me.

This last weekend while we were on vacation in a rural area, I realized how much I hope my kids grow up with a love for being out in nature (tough to do in NYC). But I don't know if that can be effectively conveyed in a letter.

What do you guys think?

Comments

[paola]

I think you can't be advised on this sort of thing. I think the moment you set down to write, everything comes gushing out. I write a 'love letter' to my children every birthday ( well, I've done it 3 times for my first and only once for the second), and I found that when I thought too much about it in advance, nothing came to me, but the moment I set down to write it...woosh, out it came.

Just the thought of writing the sort of letter Joyanna is about to write gives me goosebumps. Yet I know there are people out there, who have to write that kind of letter for real.

Maybe if I 'had ' to write this kind of letter, apart from the 'I loved you more than I ever thought possible' which I would definitely include, and hopes for my children in the fuutre, I would spend a bit of time, talking about me, describing myself, the good and the bad, so my kids will remember me the way I saw myself, and not just the way others did.

[MorahLaura]

Oh my I've been thinking about this too.

I'm six weeks away from delivery of my 3rd baby and I keep thinking (kind of morbidly, I know) that I really ought to write letters to my 2 girls (and the baby?) Just In Case. I mean, I know it's the 21st century and all, but horrible things can still happen in childbirth and I am 37 and extremely anemic. God forbid something should happen, I want them to have something personal from me, especially the younger two (daughter #2 is only 16 months old).

I will be watching other people's comments for ideas and inspiration, but I love Moxie's "God is real. Trust your instincts. Look for the helpers."

I think I would also add the bit about "you turned me into a real person" cos damn, that's true too.

[Alanna]

I went to Baghdad last year for work, and boy did I think about this. In the end I couldn't face writing the letter. I kept feeling compelled to explain why I'd gone to Iraq, even just for ten days, when I had an 11-month-old son.

This is what I figured out and couldn't bring myself to write: I love you so much that it has broken and re-formed something inside me and I love the whole world more than I used to. I want to do more to make the world a better place for everyone because of you. And that seemed like a pretty heavy thing to lay on a kid so I decided to trust my husband and my parents to say the right words in case of the very worst.

(and now my husband is going to Kabul next month to support a health program and I don't have a leg to stand on as I freak out about the danger)

[heather]

How about describing one of your favorite memories with each kid? Not necessarily something grand and significant, just something you want each child to know about as he/she gets older (could be something funny, like Moxie's glue-and-cat story!). Or write each kid's birth story. Every year on my birthday my mother tells me about the day I was born; I now look forward to this birthday ritual every year.

[rudyinparis]

Wow. Huh. The first thing that came to my mind, actually, was to give advice along the lines of: "If you want to get up and dance, get up and dance--even if no one else is. People won't be looking at you like you're dumb. They'll be looking at you and thinking, oh, I wish I was brave enough to get up and dance like her."

Apart from that... I would tell them they were each their own person from the very first moment they were born. They were not me, not mini versions of me. They were themselves. Right from the start. And I was so proud and lucky to be their Mom.

And then conclude with a basic exhortation to live life fully, love deeply, help others, follow their bliss... and all that good stuff.

[Michelle]

I think specific comments about each child and your observations/hopes/stories pertaining to them are a LOT more useful than blanket advice that, out of context, is not very meaningful. (a la "do your best in life, but don't forget to stop and smell the roses.")

An example of what I might put in such a letter are why I named each child after certain relatives.

Also, there is only so much you can accomplish in this type of letter. I would steer clear of trying to cover everything.

[Katie]

As someone who lost her mother as a preschooler, I think that any letter or intentionally-written wishes or advice are not as important as saving documentary evidence of how much you and your child love each other, as well as the child's early history (since no one knows that stuff like the parents) in a more day-to-day way.

I combed through my parents' photos looking for evidence that this woman who'd abandoned me (it was a suicide) actually loved me, and I couldn't find much. So, I make sure that I have photos of me and my kids hugging & videos of us talking and laughing, and I keep a list of funny things they've said, and I store notes with various objects to explain them--like if we all do a Christmas ornament as a craft, I'll date it and maybe put a note in the storage box. I also make sure that dh, who's usually the photographer, makes it into the photos--if I'm not paying attention, the photos are all of us girls.

When I do write letters, I usually talk about my child's strengths and things that I admire--figuring, I guess, that a moms' role is to buck 'em up when they're down.

[Sarah]

My father died when I was nine and the years before and after his death were not-so-great for a number of reasons. I know he loved me very very much (in fact he probably lived with the cancer as long as he did because he wanted to be with my sister and I).
A letter from him would've been amazing but here is what I would've liked to have read:
*his favorite color
*how he liked his coffee
*his favorite movies, books, and why
*what he was like as a kid/teenager/before he was my dad
*his favorite foods

What I am trying to say is I know he loved me, I know he wanted me to grow up to be kind and proud and powerful and thoughtful and I know that he was a man of faith---what I missed out on was getting to know him!

My mother is still alive and while we sometimes have philosophical/political discussions we mostly talk about books and food and she tells me stories about growing up: this is what I miss from my father---the small moments others take for granted.

Not sure if this helps but my 2cents and something I think about doing for my kids (they might get as much from it even if i live to be 120!)

[Shandra]

Wow Katie thank you for sharing. I am the photographer in our family so pictures of my son and I are rarer than him with just about anyone else. That is something to think about and address.

For what to leave besides I love you and maybe a copy of Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen...

I think I would leave a few letters, one informational, one for the child's current age, and one for adolescence, where it gets more complicated. In the last I think I would say something like "I have never been so awed by the human body as I have been to watch you grow. Please treat your body well and be careful. By the same token I have never delighted so much as I have at your joy and spirit. Please take care of that too."

[Otto]

As a new father, I can understand the sentiment, but to be honest, since you are SIGNIFICANTLY more likely to be killed when driving to work, or taking a shower, or frying bacon on the stove, or hundreds of other things, than you are when flying on an airplane.

The only thing that preparing "death letters" for your kids does is teach them that life is constant fear, that "truth" comes from what you see on television, and that exploration, enjoyment, and relaxation are hazardous.

If you're really going to write "death letters", make sure you write a new one every morning and give it to your kids on your way out the door to go to work. Otherwise, give them a big kiss and hug and enjoy your first real vacation in at least 8 years.

[Nic]

As an oncologist I help patients craft letters and videos to the ones they leave behind all the time. The common themes seem to be life lessons, but also nitty-gritty advice (how to drive, what kind of prom dress to wear, how to apply lip gloss, etc). Nothing is too petty. Most patients find they have to do this on video, and the process takes a few weeks. Sounds like you do not have that kind of time, but all I am trying to express is that it's ok to share little things in addition to the big ones.

[Cobblestone]

Along similar lines - my first husband died at 32 years old and our nephew is named after him. In the first year after I wrote a letter to his namesake and talked about who he was in my eyes.

Like Sarah mentioned, I talked about favorite colors, and music, and movies, and that he was a tech-geek artist kind of guy. I also talked about the year before his death because it was interesting {he's in medical journals}.

I passed along what would have been his uncle's most important bit of advice even though it is in NO WAY politically correct. It was 11 pages total. Everybody has a copy of it, and I hope some day when he is old enough to understand that he'll have a copy too.

[Julie]

"God is real. Trust your instincts. Look for the helpers."

Thanks Moxie. You are one of my helpers.

[Lisa V]

I think this is highly personal, and "advice" may not translate well in this situation.

I have purposefully chosen people as my children's guardians that would translate our ideals and values to them if I should be gone. I think that choice would convey more than any note.

If I ever am terminally ill, god forbid, I'm going to make videotapes for my kids to be viewed on certain celebrations. My husband's best friend did this and I thought it was beautiful.

[Today Wendy]

I set up an email account for E, and I'm trying to write her a little letter once a month. Even if it is very short some months, because I'm doing it so often it feels much less pressuring than doing it once a year. I figure it is as much a journal for me, as it is a letter to her when she is grown up. Having a baby has totally thrown me for a loop, and I guess the person I'm writing to is her when she's thinking about having kids. It is the stuff I wish I could get from my mother who, even though she's still around, has always had pretty severe memory problems (convenient when we were kids and neglected to give her the change from the groceries...less convenient when you want actual advice or stories).

I guess what I'm saying is that I'd want to give E an idea of who I am, and what I want from life...for me and for her. And I think she will get a better idea of all that from a series of letters rather than a single epic. Ideally I'd like to do a "sentence a day" journal...but once a month is what works for me right now.

[jomama]

That is a wonderful idea Today Wendy! I think my husband and I will start emailing our 2 year old now. Thanks for the idea.

[Shannon]

Well, I think it depends on how likely it is that you're going to die. If you have terminal cancer, you would probably put more time into crafting a bunch of letters/videos, each of which can be opened on a different occasion. If you're just getting on a plane and that's the impetus for writing a letter to be read in the extremely unlikely event of your death, I think you'd just write basic stuff like specific details about you (as Sarah said). And I'd probably just say something like, "I love you more than you'll ever know."

[ritchiegal]

its not a bad idea. obviously you can never really say everything you need to say, but its not going to harmful.

i started a collection of letters for my daughter on mothers day that i hope to give her when she hits 16 or so. but if i don't make it that long (for whatever reason), i'm comforted knowing that she will be able to read them one day and understand maybe just a tiny little itty bit of how much i love her.

on the other hand, all the letters in the world don't really help if you don't have your will, gaurdianship, and health care directive in order.

[Eva]

I'm so glad someone else thinks about these things. I haven't actually written my daughter any letters, yet, but I think about it a lot.

[Suki]

I find this so depressing! I could bawl just thinking about it. I like what one of the PPs said, make sure there are tons of photos of your joy as a family, and keep tons of evidence of how much love there was between you and your children. Otherwise, I would just get on the plane and enjoy your holiday!!!

[Toni]

I often write emails about my kid to my Mom and other family members, mostly very specific anecdotes that will make them laugh, or notes of major advances.
I am finally printing them out so I can have them as a record.

[Adrienne]

I've worried about having to leave my wonderful little man since the moment I brought him home (not a debiliating depression sort of worry but a tiny little worm at the back of my brain). I have a diary that my parents kept for me my first year. It has those overwhelming love moments, and well as a couple "Today was so horrible I don't even want to write about it." I love that little book -- I carried it off to college, it's moved every time I have and promtly been put in a place on honor (stack of books right next to my bed). And my parents are both alive and well! It's just always given me a physical reminder of love and a sense of belonging. So I've kept one for my son since his first week. My husband and I take turns writing in it and all of the little things, like where we like to go to breakfast and names of the books I'm reading, make it in, as well as the big things. And it doesn't get written in every night (for example, not last night, Screamfest 2008!) but we try. And it makes me feel better knowing that if I do have to go away, it's there for him. I am go glad to know other people worry about these things too!

[Maureen]

Not much to add... just wanted to say this is a really hard/sad topic for me. I never really stressed about dying before I had my boys. Now I so don't want to die early (and I worry about it too much - as in it's in the back of my head much more frequently than it should be) because I don't want to abandon them or miss out on watching them grow up.

[Annie]

I WOULD NOT write about my wishes or aspirations for my child. What if they want to go in a different direction? Then they would spend their life thinking that they had not lived up to my expectations. I wouldn't want to put that on them.

I WOULD write about how much I love them, some of my favourite memories of them, and about myself and the things I love.

[Alanna]

On a more practical note - we set up an email account for my son when he was born, and send all pictures of him to that accout as backup storage. I also send him emails every so often - when he does something new, or just when I feel a burst of love. Writing email and no-stress is easy for me, so I do it pretty often. I think of it as a virtual baby book. His relatives send him email, too, and now that he's two and we'll log in and I read his email to him. Any day now I think he'll start dictating responses.

[wendy]

I wonder what Archivist Alison would say about sending our kids emaill now that they might not access for 20 years or so. Is email considered viable well into the future? I love the idea of emailing the kids, but I would hate for it to be obsolete..like a Beta video machine.

[peaceinyourcrib]

oh yes.
ask a person who lost a parent while they were under the age of 18.
they are the 'experts' here...(Sarah's post...)
they will have wonderful, deep and simple insights as to what could be balm to a child's heart and soul.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

My grandmother crafted a letter like this when my first child was born, it was beautiful, I pull it out every once and a while and read it to them because her writing style sounds just like her. She included stories about my Dad and me when we were little, the kids loved that!

I wrote a letter like this to my children on our first trip out of the country. It was excruciating to write. My DH lost his mother when he was 14, there's so much that his brother and sister knew about how to navigate life that he had to learn on his own.

If I had to write that letter again, now that we've all lived through the teen years and early twenties, I would include emotional bits of advice they might need as they grow.
Things like, did you have acne and how did you get rid of it. Were you a boy scout and did you like it? What do you do if your teacher hates you? And I’d try to pass on any wisdom I had about how to navigate the emotional traps of adult life. What the clues are when someone is being honest or not, how to know if you're in love, and any personal things I want my grandchildren to know about me. And of course how they held the key to a place in your heart that you didn't even know existed! Also pictures, lots of loving pictures! Enjoy the trip

[Jennifer]

I write letters to my kids regularly - monthly during the infant/toddler stage, a bit less often now for my 3 1/2 year old. I tell them about who they are at this age, what they are like, what are their favorite games or if they just did something for the first time, and how they act with each other.

Both my parents died when I was in my early twenties, and I find that the things I would want to know are less my mother talking about how she felt about being my mother and more how she saw me as a person. What was I like? What did we do all day long? One powerful sentence of love would cover the love part, but I want the details. I would want to know that she cared to notice the details and that they were important to her.

As for advice: Falling doesn't matter; getting up does. Be your own true self bravely in the world. Hope for sunny times, but buy an umbrella. Be kind.

[brooklynmama]

@ Suki, ok, so I actually just did bawl not only thinking about this but also scribbling down something about my soul forever stretching out to my child if she doesn't know the way or something. This topic is important but hard and sad.

Moxie, nature is so great for us city folks, I totally agree. I love getting out of the grime and grit. Although there is something to be said for this amazing city we're in. Where else would you stumble upon the New York Philharmonic on a random trip to the park, eat the most awesome bagels and nova ever, take the subway to the beach, or find that every trip to the local zoo looks like a model UN meeting? (If anyone has all of this for less money and more space, please share!)

[pnuts mama]

this is so hard! for all the reasons the pps mentioned! as someone who lost my biomom as a toddler (died suddenly) and the momwhoraisedme as a young adult (long battle with cancer), i can say there aren't enough pages in the universe to fill that would satisfy me to read from either of them- impossible, as the questions i had as a little kid are so different from the ones i have now for both of them.

i suppose the most important thing for me to know is that i was loved- and still am, no matter what, and that she knew i loved her. i'm thinking of the hospital scene in terms of endearment where the mama tells the oldest boy that she loves him and the *she knows that he loves her* even though he is mad and tough- what a gift that would be for your children.

all the little things, i miss not knowing those things- about her, about me, but i guess it's the deep foundational stuff that is most important for me. i think i would also want my kids to know how proud of them i was and how everything they did and continued to do would bring me joy- and that i believed that we'd be reunited again someday in another way. how much i loved their dad and hoped they would find the same joy and peace with their own partners, if that was their path. it's weird b/c my sister just moved 2000 miles away and we're so close with her eldest son and we've been having these conversations with him the past few days/weeks- filling up his head with our love and most important advice ("be your own man- a man of character, be generous, care for others and work hard, we love you, we believe in you..." )

***
on a similar note, for those of you thinking of the worst case scenario, how many of you have legal guardians set up for your children? a will? i am embarrassed to say we have neither- mostly since we have a list of non-negotiables as to what we'd want our kids to have in parents and we don't have anyone who fills the whole bill. so of course, that means we don't get to decide if something happens, which is a whole other fright for me. sigh. i need a nap.

[violingirl]

I haven't written 1 big letter, but if I were going to I would want to tell them how much their father and I love each other, how much we wanted them and prayed for them to be born, and how happy I have been to be their mother. like someone else posted- I wouldn't write about my aspirations for them- I don't really have any except for them to find something they love to do and someone to love.

I write to my boys about every other week in a word document just to write about what they're doing at a certain age, funny things they've been saying or doing, the things I love at this moment in their lives. One of my goals is to write a little more often. I started writing when I found out I was pregnant with #1 because I journal for myself, so it was natural for me to start doing it for my kids. I write about big things in there too, life lesson type things as they come up in my own life, but mostly just how much I love being their mother and how much I love to watch them change and grow. I print pages every once in awhile and keep them in a binder.

[Kel]

I do this every Mother's Day. I have three kids and three journal books. I write them each a letter every year that bascially a love letter to them with highlights of the year (what they were for Halloween, the trips we tooks, a milestone they reached).

They will all get these books when they turn 18 (or earlier if they need them). Besides the recounting of specific memories, this gives me a place to verbalize that other stuff: Always try your best; You can always change your perception; options are the best gift you can ever give to anyone especially yourself.

I've realized as I've done this now for the past four years, that the letters are for and about them, but about me too in so many ways.

Kel

[Chaosgirl]

My dad gave me letters like these on my big "adult" birthdays - 16, 21, 25. I treasure them. The message -- that he loves me, is proud of me, believes in me, and admires who I am and who I am becoming -- are stunning sources of self-esteem, but even more than the words is knowing the time he took to think about it and put it all on paper. Just holding them is powerful.

I have been away from my wee one several times now and I morbidly think about the crash scene as I take off, despite knowing that the odds of a fatal accident are far higher in day-to-day life, as Otto notes. I am so much more careful than I ever was before since WO arrived; I won't do crazy things on horseback anymore, I drive more carefully, I put my seat belt on in cabs, etc.

I have yet to write a letter to WO, but we do keep a journal. I love the ideas everyone has shared here, particularly the email account.

I think I would want WO to know who I and what my philosophy of life was. I'd probably leave a list of my favourite books, music, movies, artists, and so on, because I think the choices we make say a lot about who we are. I still find it very comforting to play the music my nana played on the piano, knowing that the piano music moved her tremendously and within it I see her face in deep concentration, hear her soul.

I sometimes think that words are blunt, subjective, and inadequate instruments of communication. What about giving a small collection of things too?

For example, I'd leave him some of my favourite rocks, a tradition started by my father. When I was in my mid-twenties I went through some very rough times. I ended up in court testifying and though I wanted my dad to be there, I could not have him in the court room. ON the day I went to court, he gave me a rock to hold on to in my pocket. He was there with me the whole time.

Oh, and I'd definitely discuss food. Food is very *very* important from many standpoints (health, art, environment, philosophy).

I think WO would understand that his mummy adored him so much that she took the time to put something together so that she could continue to share herself with him, even if she was gone.

Ok - now I'm bawling...

[Archivist Alison]

@wendy: I'm actually crafting a brief post right now about the concept of "Remembering the Past, Preparing for the Future" and I'm using these comments as the springboard for my discussion. You all have been very eloquent and the differences of opinions are wonderful.

But, on a more technical note, I'm actually pretty happy with using email in the way it has been described here, all things considered. Email is a relatively basic technology (that's easy for ME to say) and, so long as you keep what you have written *as* emails in an email system, they have an excellent chance of remaining incredibly authentic over time.

To explain briefly: because you made these documents *as emails,* they can stay exactly as you wrote them for as long as we use email. Moreover, since email is just a glorified text format, even when we move away from them, it's my bet that these documents will make the transfer to the new technology gracefully. After all, there's nothing about a beta tape that makes it all that different from a VHS tape, provided you thought to transfer the data to the new format before your old Beta player broke!

With all that said, then, the normal advice about making digital data persist through time applies: look at those emails often, make sure they're there, and if you can keep them in two different accounts on two different servers, so much the better.

[Archivist Alison]

For those who want to know what I said... http://www.archivistalison.com/posts/28

You guys are tremendous.

[Nicole J.]

I agree with a previous comment, you are far more likely to be killed going about your daily business, so maybe a regular practice of recording moments, thoughts, feelings, etc. is more appropriate or would be of more value/comfort. I keep a family journal, that I write in about once a month. I cover what we did that day, any new tricks of my son, what we might be doing in the near future and any other relevant news or insight. Sometimes its just: "We went to the park. O now eats with a spoon." But I have also captured our daily schedule, recipes, dinner party menus and guests, etc. It's a way to see how we live our lives. It's just a simple spiral book from Borders. But I think someday it will be precious to our son.

I live my life as a testament to my love for my son and my values. I trust his guardian to raise him as close to our way as possible (should that be necessary, god willing it isn't). Otherwise, he wouldn't be the right choice.

[Mme.G]

Dr. Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon diagnosed with terminal cancer, has done this for his kids, only his is a book instead of a letter. Pick up a copy of "The Last Lecture" and maybe that will give you some pointers.

[Lisa F.]

pnuts mama, we also do not have wills in place or guardianship. I don't know who to choose to take care of my child! my parents are too old, I don't get along w/my only sibling, and we don't have super close cousins or friends w/families nevermind close friends with the same values/parenting styles. it's something constantly nagging at the back of my mind.

Moxie, any advice there? a post asking how others navigated this?

[Kate]

Like others, my first impression was that my husband's daily commute of 30 miles each way makes me much more nervous than a rare plane flight.

But anyway, I kind of think of my blog (which I started when pregnant w/ #2) as a journal of sorts. There is a lot of the "dark side" of parenting (I'm so tired, the kids are squabbling, I can't go to the bathroom by myself), but also a lot of "my offspring did/said something cute/startling/insightful and I am amazed and grateful and full of love."

I am wondering how I will transmit my parenting passions to my kids without seeming dictatorial. I became passionate about breastfeeding and my daughter and I just reached a weaning point (there was a lot of negotiation) last month. When she was 4. How do I express what it meant to me, and her, and us when she's 24? Other than show her the blog, I mean :-)

@pnuts mama and Lisa F: We have a will. My FIL is a lawyer who moonlights doing wills and estates and thinks they are incredibly important. They spell out everything. He even made us pick two sets of guardians in case the first set (which was easy--my BIL and SIL) were, for whatever reason, not able to take the kids if called upon. The second set was really impossible. We selected friends who we knew were not going to be having more than the 2 kids they already had, if that makes sense. But this was four years ago, and our parenting style has really diverged from theirs and it makes me nervous. We are, however, probably moving abroad in 12 months and will redo the will in our new location, with a new second set of guardians.

My FIL would tell you all to make sure you have one. And that if you've moved since your original that you have a lawyer look it over to make sure no changes are necessary for your new location. (Estate law varies.)

[Katie]

Don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but you could always write different letters--one for now and one for x number of years from now, when they're older and could understand more of the meaty stuff you'd want to say.

Sure, this is all kind of morbid to think about, but if you're the kind of parent who wants to leave something written, it sure helps with peace of mind.

[hedra]

If you're not sure what to write about (regarding yourself), pick up one of those 'grandparent remembers' or 'questions for my grandma' books, and start filling it out NOW. (while it is still easy to remember!) Great for genealogy stuff, family stories, etc. Good prompts, most of them.

My mom keeps all the emails I send her about the kids, prints them out and puts them in a book for each kid. So they're getting sort of the email thing.

Plus photos, plus I make a point of capturing everyday life on video, not just special events. A family meal (bickering included, LOL!), playing in the living room, swinging in the yard, nap time, etc. Just put it up and let it run for an hour. A friend of mine had movies of big events, but his mom had also taped just an afternoon in their back yard, and I LOVED that one, even though his mom was embarrassed over the snippet of parental bickering in the background... it just felt normal and happy and sane.

[pnuts mama]

this just occurred to me along the lines of picture-taking:

i have only a handful of pictures of my biomom- even less of her looking straight into the camera- it drove me nuts as a kid to not be able to see her face!! of course, now as a mommy i understand that you are *always* looking at your kid- especially in pictures- but it's something to keep in mind.

we struggle w/ the whole guardian issue b/c we just can't find folks who share our values and parenting style as well as our faith, which is important for us. or we'd only pick one 1/2 of the couple, and not the other. it's frustrating as hell. hope we can get more data points on this one?

[Just a Nanny]

Before I graduated high school, my English teacher had us write letters to ourselves in 5 years (so a year after we graduated college.. ideally). We also had our parents write letters to this older self. My father killed himself less than a year after writing the letter, and I just got it a few months ago. It is one of the most wonderful things, to have a letter to my current self from my father, who I haven't seen in almost 5 years. I wish it was longer, but just hearing that he's proud of me is wonderful.

[Jac]

This whole issue has been on my mind a lot lately and you ladies gave me some fabulous ideas. I set up an email for my bean and wrote my first letter last night. It wasn't heavy but it felt fabulous doing it. Thank you!

[allison]

I keep a journal about and for our daughter, which would work if needed as a great reference for how much we love her and an excellent recount of her day-to-day experience as a kid. But it doesn't tell much about me or papa, besides reading between the lines to get through to our values.

I've thought about something like this, a "memory book" where moms, dads, grandparents, etc. could put their memoirs.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Tell-One-More-Story/dp/1563831503/ref=pd_sim_b_12

In regards to having an email account set up for your offspring, there's a neat site called http://www.futureme.org where you can write an email and have it scheduled for delivery at a date up to 30 years in the future. I wrote one to my husband last year for delivery this year, and I had completely forgotten about it. He was thrilled to have a fun future-letter in his email!

[Kay]

There's a beautiful poem by Judith Wright called "Letter" that captures this perfectly. It's about a woman who writes to her daughter. She wants her daughter to live in a perfect world, but she knows better ... the world will hurt her. But she tells her daughter to "dance among the poisoned swords" anyway. It's really beautiful and always makes me cry when I read it. I put a copy of it in my daughter's baby book along with a letter I wrote telling her why I love it.

[justhadtosay]

Many estate planning attorneys are happy to include letters like this with your estate plan records. A "just in case" could happen any time.

[Victoria]

I am planning to write letters to both my daughters and was looking for ideas. Both my girls are under still under 10 but as i get older i realize that i can leave for work one morning and never make back as one of my friends did on 9/11. But i was thinking about doing several letters for speacial moments such as when they turn 13, 16, 18 and 21. Then i want to do a Graduation letter, Marriage letter, etc. But is this too much presure for me to put on them.

[the milliner]

A little late to the discussion, but wanted to add that I'm planning to put a stipulation in my will that I would like my DS to see/meet certain friends and family numbers x times per year (nothing big, but something regular), so I can be sure he gets to know who I am from people that have known me for a long time, know me really well, and would make the effort for him to know as much about me as they could.

Anyhow, thanks to everyone for all of the ideas and inspiration.