Personal day (primal scream)

This week someone I thought was a good friend betrayed me and won't talk with me about it, one grandma had to put down her beloved dog that she got right after my grandpa died, and the other grandma just got diagnosed with leukemia. I'm exhausted from crying and not sleeping (although I figured out last night that a double-dose of Rescue Remedy and rubbing a lot of magnesium oil on my feet quieted my head enough to let me finally conk out).

I'll be back tomorrow. Primal Scream here for you today.

Comments

[Dani]

So sorry that everything is happening at once. Try and take care of yourself! Hugs!

[megan]

the climbing, the effing climbing. the kid isn't 1.5 yet and is on everything, everywhere. I cannot sit anywhere or it's me. try so hard to be out in the world letting him roam but he is only interested in the things that are out of bounds, unsafe, etc. trying so hard not to be redirecting and saying no constantly. I am frustrated, he is frustrated. no idea how to find a balance between his curiosity and need to explore and the need for him to follow some rules. I hate cramping his style, but he can't drink from every creek, play in every fountain, eat other kids snacks, play with their toys, pull leaves off plants etc, tug on the dogs, etc. all day I have to be the road block when all I want to do is enable and encourage him to explore.

[wendy]

Moxie- I'm screamin' for ya. I hope you pack a picnic (that includes more tequila based drinks) and head out for some silly time with your kids. Nothing cures me of real sadness like catching a good case of the giggles with my beautiful little miracles. Thank God for them.

Sometimes I am so intimidated by the women that post here. I have these images of all of you hugging your beautiful cloth daipered, breastfed, highly intelligent children while reading Keats and sipping Acai...seriously. It's nice to know that you all have some #@&%ed up things in your lives too.

@Maria- Just wanted to tell you a little truth that has recently revealed itself to me (probably something I should have figured out long ago but I'm a slow learner). People who were raised in abusive homes (both my parents...and to a certain extent, me) have a really hard time with boundaries. It sounds like both you and your bro have worked very hard at creating peaceful family environments for your kids. Having a physical barrier between the two of you allowed (allows) him to relax and not "work" at keeping appropriate boundaries between the two of you. I could be totally off base here but maybe this way of thinking could lead you to a better understanding of the reasons for his actions. More understanding=less hurt.

If warm thoughts from a stranger could fix your problems, I'm sure I could work some real magic for you ladies.

No time to proof...sorry...twinkies are awake.

[chaser]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

We are having our house painted and the floors refinished in preparation for sale and a long-anticipated cross-country move. Everything we own had to be moved into either the attic or the basement, including the contents of every closet and cabinet... and then we had to sleep in the basement. I did this mostly alone, because my husband is finishing his dissertation. I have a four-year-old and a one-year-old.

It's okay, really: the kids are in childcare, I took a week off, we are housesitting down the block, the contractors are wonderful, and the work is going really well. But it's HARD. So hard I had to start a blog.

[peaceinyourcrib]

@melanie TM: girl. you are not alone. i understand i understand i understand.

@anontodaytoo: let's see if any of these fabulous posters have words and love to offer to you. your confession and bravery are huge.

[Charisse]

@MelanieTM, holy cow, we are all sending you love today.

@professormama, I have been there!! I know you said you've tried rewards, but have you tried the "bowl of wrapped presents that you don't talk about" thing? That finally did the trick for us, in a matter of days. Ping me if you'd like details, there are a couple of specific things about it.

@anontodaytoo, you are brave and strong and your honesty with yourself about this will help you manage what you have to manage. I hope there is someone IRL that you can share this pain with, that can be non-judgmental and loving.

[Maria Wood]

Oh my heavens. @MelanieTM, I feel for you, we are all here for you. @anontodaytoo, same to you. It sounds like you both feel trapped with no way out, and while I don't know what it is, I'm sure there is a way out for you both, and for all of us struggling with our particular issues (including screaming parrots, non-sleeping babies, and poopy 3 year olds!). Breathing through it a moment at a time is probably wise wise advice.

@Wendy, I'm sure you've hit the nail right on the head, and it's one of the things I'm thankful for that while we are neither of us as healthy/evolved/aware as we might wish, we are far enough along that we can at least think about these questions instead of purely reacting 100% of the time. More understanding, less hurt indeed.

If it's of any comfort to anyone, I have noticed and it's even been validated by my therapist that for whatever cosmic or geopolitical or collective unconscious reason it seems that many many people are dealing with big big life issues right about now. Almost everyone I know seems to have a major life trauma/transition going on these days, whether it's illness, death, divorce, financial collapse, etc. We're none of us alone, I guess.

[Marta]

My good thoughts and prayers go out to all of you in A happy bubble.
I hope you can all take DEEP BREATHS and get through all of this. One. Minute. at. a. time.
Man, it's good to see that I'm not the only one with things going on. (though I'm not even going to post my probs- they seem very minute at this moment...)
I wish we could somehow be in the same place so we could have this online community be a real community. I'd bring you coffee, OR WINE, and just sit there and be supportive. I wish you awesome mommies were in Wisconsin. (Anybody?? Hel-oooo????)
Here's my support for you. Wherever you are.
Moxie, hang in there. The last time that someone betrayed me like that, it was very hard. I can't give any great advice on this one- I hope the resolution for you is whatever you need it to be.
Hang in there. (lame phrase, but I really hope you do...)
M.

[Shannon]

Well, Marta, I'm in Chicago ... that's close to (some parts of) Wisconsin.

[Katie B.]

"I have these images of all of you hugging your beautiful cloth diapered, breastfed, highly intelligent children while reading Keats and sipping Acai...seriously. It's nice to know that you all have some #@&%ed up things in your lives too."

lol. My daughter is beautiful, highly intelligent, cloth-diapered... and I'm reading (kinda) trashy sf and drinking water because I had to cut the caffeine. She's in her Wonderful eighth week, and will. not. nap. If we don't wear her during the day, she won't sleep, but instead cries. And then I get so exhausted spending hours trying to get her to sleep at night (seriously, I spent four hours trying to get her to sleep night before last) that I forget to take my brain meds, and so I'm having anxiety nightmares about the former friend who abused and betrayed me this spring. So primal scream day came at a good time for me.

This seems like small bean in comparison to some of you; zen hugs, and aren't we all glad this place is here to vent in?

[SarcastiCarrie]

AnonForToday whose son is due in 3 weeks: your post is haunting me. I hope things get better for you.

[Cloud]

Oh more big, big hugs, and margaritas and/or chocolate for all of you!

@MelanieTM- You will get through this. If you have to start all over again from scratch in the US, you'll do it and be fine because the qualities that got you that great job are still there, now amplified by the experience you've gained living overseas in difficult circumstances. Obviously, none of us can tell you what you should do, but remember, you need to take care of yourself and your baby first. You may or may not be able to take care of your husband. He has to participate in that. I was in a long term relationship with a man with some mental issues (nothing as serious as what you describe, though). I loved him and wanted to help. Tried to help. But he just wouldn't let anyone help. Finally, I just couldn't try anymore and made the painful decision to walk away. The story has a happy ending- he got help after I left, and is now happily married. I wasn't at all sure when I left that the happy ending would be there, but I finally realized that there was no happy ending for anyone if I stayed. Mental illness is a very difficult thing to help someone with. I hope you find your way forward soon.

@anontodaytoo- please, please tell your OB what you are feeling. He/She can refer you to someone who can help. If you don't have an OB, walk into a Planned Parenthood or similar clinic and tell them you need help. You don't give any details, so I won't try to guess them. But there can be medical causes to depression that would make you feel this way. Or, if your life circumstances make a baby seem like one thing too much, there are people who can help you find the support you need to make a plan that will work for you. You need the support of people who know what the hormones and life changes surrounding a baby can do to a woman.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Moxie, I'm so sorry to hear about grandmothers.

Who would betray you? Does she know you have people? Do you want "your peeps" to meet-up and beat her up! They make magnesium oil?

Maria Wood - Is it possible that the close relationship you have / had with your brother is threatening to your SIL? And when you showed up on their couch, even though you were going to be totally independent, it just set her off? Maybe she made your brother choose who he was going to be closest too? Just a thought.

I've had primal scream year! Today is particularly difficult, so I really appreciate the scream. The wisest woman in my life told me to BREATHE and NOT to make any major decisions about my life while I'm in despair. There should be a time once a day when all who want to, regardless of time zones, screams!

To AnonTodayToo, please contact me if you want too. Is there any thing I can do to help you?

[enu]

Hugs and vibes to all you who are hurting! Wishing you a brighter tomorrow.

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Ooops - AnonTodayToo, you can find my email on my website.

[amy]

As always, Primal Scream days remind me of the scale of my problems - i.e., they are mostly small and petty. What follows is purely drama, classic wedding-style drama.

Tomorrow I'm hauling my 31-week pregnant ass 6 hours away to "participate" in my friend's wedding. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but when I got pregnant, my friend informed me that I could not be a bridesmaid because her fiance did not want any pregnant bridesmaids. So, I have the "honor" of bridesmaids duties (the ones assigned to me are reading in the ceremony, keeping her MIL-to-be away from her and her man for the entire event, and helping her with her 35-pound dress when she has to go to the bathroom) though I am not one.

Add to this that I'm about to piss everyone off (more) by bringing my 4 year old daughter to the wedding. When my friend announced their engagement, she paired it with a statement that my daughter was definitely invited. I remember it clearly because it seemed weird that she was thinking about guest list parameters when she was just so glad to be getting married. Some time later, she called me to tell me my daughter was uninvited because they changed their minds - no children would be allowed.

I reminded my friend of her original invitation and explained that I have no childcare for this kind of situation, and I was not comfortable traveling in and then locating, interviewing, and hiring a sitter in a town I know nothing about. OF COURSE it is her right to change who she plans to invite at any time before the invitations go out, but it did present a problem. I offered what seemed the only reasonable solutions: either my husband stayed home with my daughter and I drove myself out for the weekend or we would all come but for any event where my daughter was not welcome, my husband would take her to the hotel room or out to do something fun. This meant, of course, that my husband would not attend the wedding festivities. (I figured that they aren't friends with one another, so it shouldn't matter if he's there or not.)

She ultimately changed her mind because, she reasons, there will be a flower girl there (age 6) who will be alone otherwise. In order to ward off criticism from family members who would be pissed that their kids couldn't come, she and her fiance have not told anyone my daughter is coming and, if confronted, they plan to tell them that we *had* planned for childcare but it fell through and we chose to bring her in spite of the restriction.

I just want Monday to be here, like, now.

[AnonToday2]

@ Marta, if I'm lucky and my prayers are answered, you won't be the only Moxite in WI. Shannon, you were right!

[Maria Wood]

Ugh, Amy, so many demands for you! I hope you're able to have a sane and reasonably fun weekend in spite of it all.

@Sharon, that scenario between my brother and SIL is one I've definitely imagined. He has denied that she has anything to do with it, but I'm skeptical, especially given that we only saw her for ONE DAY out of the 10 that we were staying in their house. It's very confusing because I *thought* we got along well, but I don't know how else to interpret it.

[kH]

I am having a wonderful week and couldnt be happier. Family, work, kids are all great. To all of you having a horrible day or week just remember... those days pass and good weeks happen to. Love to you all

[hydrogeek]

@Anontodaytoo who is due with a son in 3 weeks: Honey, find some help. A doctor, a counselor, a friend, a clergyman/woman, hell a bartender who serves ice cold milk or something. That sounds like desperate depression talking, and I cannot imagine the bravery it took for you to admit what you are feeling today. Know that we are all thinking of you.

[kh]

I just read my post and I hope you all dont think me cold. I just wanted you all to remember that all the pains you feel are not going to be forever. Just remember the good things in life, and it will help you through the rough. so much support here, I am thankful for that.

To the one whose baby is due in three weeks... you have a lot on your mind, maybe too much to deal with by yourself. talk to someone...anyone....please

[Sharon aka Mommie Mentor]

Maria - Don't knpow if this will help, but here goes.
Once a person decides to choose one person over an other, the guilt can be overwhelming. When confronted with their choice, they feel put on the spot and begin to protect themselves, and often deny that they would ever make such a choice.

If this is the case, he may feel like, what can I do- I live with her and you are my life long sister, who will probably come around eventually. He probably had to convinced himself that he made the right choice regardless of the turmoil he has caused you.

I have been so surprised this year at the way people have treated me. The choices they have made to include or exclude me from very important parts of their lives. This has caused me to rethink my relationship with them, and that has caused me great pain.

My lesson, again I have no idea if this is helpful to you, has been to go to my center and ask myself what do I want for me in my life, in this relationship.

It's helpful to remember that whatever a person says is a statement of who they really are. And the actions they take announce what they really think about me. Doing that reminds me not to make excuses or deny that any of it is really happening. AND that hurts, a lot.

Of course, I bitch-slap them in my mind first. And of course the argument - I mean conversation, I have in my head is perfect, and I would love to scream it at them, but in my life I always end up honoring my integrity by not going there.
Good luck and remember to breathe before and after screaming!

[AnnonTodayToo]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I have worked to get some help, and that will continue, my doctor knows, my parents and my husband know. This was just not something I have ever wanted in my life but the world doesn't really throw the doors open for a women that is healthy, married, financially stable, and in her mid-30s to just say. "Really. No. I don't want this." and put her child up. Or at least it doesn't feel like it.

So many of you have talked about not liking pregnancy, of taking a long time to fall in love with your children, and right now that gives me hope. Some of the other complicating knots in my life I can manage, but I hope that my son never has to know about this part of his life.

[Kristie]

OIh my. My 18 month old keeps waking up at 4:30 in the morning. It has been over a month of this now and it is driving me crazy. It wouldn't be half as bad if hubby and I could switch off mornings: he's willing but she isn't. Meaning on his mornings she cries and screams and tries to get into my room until I finally end up getting up. And the short sleep wouldn't even be half so bad, considering the fact that a few months ago I was getting up with her every 2 hours, but I'm also pregnant now--first trimester--and the exhaustion is just killing me. Training for actually having two kids? Who knows, but every morning I see a "4" in the hour position on the clock I feel like going, "RROOOOAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!"

[Cloud]

@AnonTodayToo- I'm glad you are getting the help you need. My daughter was a planned pregnancy and I was still freaking out a bit as the time approached, wondering what we had done to our happy little life as a couple. I can only imagine how I'd be freaking out if I had never wanted kids!

And I can't say I enjoyed being pregnant really at all. I didn't feel love for the bump. The love came after Pumpkin arrived, and took a little time to grow.

If you decide to give up the baby- screw what the world thinks. You'll make some couple who can't have kids very, very happy, and I personally think you deserve kudos for knowing what your limits are and being brave enough to act accordingly. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

If you do decide to keep the baby, know that there are really hard times but also really rewarding times ahead. And if one of the things that worries you is the loss of some of the freedom in your life- I won't lie and say that doesn't happen, but I'm just now learning how to take some of that back. We recently took our first trip with Pumpkin that wasn't to visit family. Hubby and I were big into travel before Pumpkin, but I've been sooo nervous about traveling with Pumpkin. What if she melted down on the airplane? What if she wouldn't sleep? How would we ever go see the sights? Well, Pumpkin turns out to be a great traveler. She loved the airplane rides. She slept better than she does at home. She loved riding around the new city in her stroller. In short, it was great.

OK, that was a long story that may have had nothing to do with your issues, but my point is- you'll eventually figure out how to fit the baby into your life, and keep doing what you love to do. Most people even figure it out faster than I did.

Big hugs, and good luck.

[Jen]

AAAHHH!!!! I need a primal scream. I feel like I'm being pulled in 80 different directions every day. Working FT (some at home), commuting, a toddler, pets, chores, etc., etc. This is magnified when my husband travels as he is going to do this week. And it pisses me off. He gets the quiet bed, the meals out and no diapers/whining/feeding/cleaning/day care drop off, etc., etc. And, I resent it. I esp resent it b/c we keep having the same argument over and over and over and over again. I want him to just feel out other jobs -not even nec leave his job as we don't know what else is out there- but just look. He won't. Thus, I continue to be stuck at home alone doing it all.

Any advice for coping? For dealing with being so po'd/resentful that I'm having a hard time not being a raving bi--- 24/7 right now? For those in the Northern VA/DC area . . . any activities for a little one that you can recommend to get us out of the house?

[Cloud]

@Jen- I used to travel a bit for work. I changed jobs because I didn't like being away from the baby, but I had one business trip before I did that. I "traded" my husband- I had the business trip, but when I got back, he got a full day off from baby duty. He played with Pumpkin if he wanted, but I did the diapers, naps, feeding (OK, she was still mostly breastfed at that point, so I always did most of the feedings), etc. I also gave him a night off, which I think was the bit he liked the most. We timed the night off to be several days after I got back from my trip, because even though there was no baby in my hotel room, I didn't get great sleep (jet lag, strange room, boobs used to nursing at least 2x in the night....)

Maybe your Hubby would agree to something like that? If he doesn't recognize that his business trips put an extra burden on you, then I think you need to get really, really sick one Saturday and be unable to get out of bed... I'm only sort of joking.

Have you found caramama's blog? She is in the DC area.

[frozen bananas]

Looks like there are loads of us who need a primal scream today!!

Just found out that my mother has been unbelievably foolish with her money--no help from a financial adviser, consultant, or anything--and has burned through $3 million (YES, THREE FUCKING MILLION) in 7 years. And now she is turning to her children for help because she is broke. How can anyone be so stupid? It is shocking and disturbing. Fuck.

[wendy again]

OK, @anontodaytoo- I just wanted to let you know that I suffered from some pretty f'd up emotions during pregnancy and early motherhood. I went through hell and back again to get pregnant- years (really, years) of surgeries, IUI, IVF miscarraiges...HELL. I got preggo with twins. Bedrest at 21 weeks, carried to 33 and had two premies in the NICU for far too long. I didn't love my kids. I felt responsible for them, I thought they were cute, I was happy to finally "have" babies but I really didn't love them. I would stare at them and wait for "that feeling" that everyone talks about and...crickets chirping...nothing. I got the first smile and the first coo and things got better, not earth-shatteringly better but better. Breastfeeding got easier, the weather warmed up, I started going for walks. I started having sex again, we started sleeping a bit, things got better. My babies are now 20 months old and I am beyond words in love.

I'm not saying that the feelings that you're having are not founded and I'm CERTAINLY not implying that our situations are the same. The whole "love-at-first-sight" thing people refer to is bunk. When I hear a woman talk about her first sono appt and she uses the term "love" it is all I can do not to call her bluff. Don't believe the hype. I think that 2/3 of the parenting battle for me is simply accepting that the way thing 'should' be is not the way things are.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Follow your head, listen to your heart. I'm praying for you.

[greatkid]

moxie, i'm sorry. this all sounds really frigin' hard. thank god for margaritas!!
i realize this is probably a bit premature, but when/if your grandma (who was diagnosed with leukemia) seems ready, please tell her about a book called "kitchen table wisdom" by rachel naomi remen. i'm an oncology nurse who found this wonderful book in college, and every person i know (both with cancer and without) has loved this book. rachel remen is an md who works with people with cancer, and she also cousels doctors who work with people with cancer. she is really an incredible woman (i saw her speak, and was in awe), and i think this book is simple and profound.
i hope you have some great people around you right now to give you big hugs and rub your feet.

[attiton]

@AnonTodayToo: The judgment of society can often be be harsh and undeserved. The power to know what you truly want is a gift greater than any other. It allows you to resist the uncomfortable tides of expectations.

It seems to me, however, that childbearing is one of the hardest things that human beings have to do. You have a right to be scared, you have a right to want to run away, you have the right to explore all of your options.

I am one of those women you mention who disliked pregnancy and who were not in love at first sight with their newborn. I struggled for weeks and weeks (beginning even before the birth) with the feeling that I was walking in a fog and unable to cope. Those horrible feelings did indeed end, and when they did, I could see them for what they were...shadows of fear made real for me to experience.

My words seem hollow. Even for those of us who have come through it, there often seems be no consolation for the relentless waves of emotion that take over the soul of a new mother.

So, I must implore you to believe me when I say, you are strong, you are brave and you will be yourself again...only more.

[Meggan]

Found out this weekend that a friend from high school was involved in a swimming accident and broke his neck. He's completely paralyzed, and he's only 25. So, so sad.

Also, despite going from working out 1hr 1x/week to 1hr 4x/week for the last month and a half, I have, in fact, gained weight. It's obviously not the end of the world, but I was really, really hoping for a more downward trend. Incredibly discouraging.

Thank you for the Primal Scream day - it is much needed. Thinking about you all.

[Lisa]

I honestly believe that mothers who give their babies up for adoption are among the bravest and most self-less people of all.
My younger brother is adopted and we thank his birth-mother every day for her amazing gift to us. So many people are just desperate for a child to share their lives, to feel strong enough to give them that child is a wonderfull thing. In our family the blood relationship has never been an issue, he is as much my brother as my actual blood brother. Hell, our kids even look alike !!!
If you feel you can't keep your baby, it is a wonderfull thing to give a child to a family who will love and treasure that child for the rest of their lives.
This post is meant to be positive and supportive - I hope I have worded it correctly and not caused any offence.

[Sarah]

@Meggen - I have found that when I am working out - I loose fat and gain muscle. I weigh more (or my weight doesn't change at all) but my clothing fits better and I feel better. So just tell yourself that muscle is denser than fat and you are loosing the inches!

When life kicks me in the ass, I just keep muttering: two tears in a bucket - motherf--- it.

[paola]

@jen and cloud

my hubby too travels a lot for work (I'm a STHM)and so it's me and my two kiddies a lot of the time. I've learnt to live with it, but to tell you the truth, my days are less stressful when dh is away. I can eat when I want and with the kids, and only need to prepare one meal which we all eat, rather than one for the adults and one for the kids. My husband doesn't do a lot re childcare when he is at home, so my load is definitely easier, but I do get peeved off that he is out having slap up dinners in 5 star French restaurant, while I'm getting my dinner cold and mushy most nights ( to facilitate the 18 month old). I love your idea Cloud of trading off, but think my husband would just laugh in my face if I mentioned it, but then again, I am the SAH parent after all.

[hedra]

AnonTodayToo - congratulations for getting to that place of darkness and despair. It may be odd to congratulate you on it, but that place and what comes with it are a Gift. Black despair strips away all, and leaves you with only the core choices. Choosing, whichever way you choose, will be one of the most powerful things you can do. Opting to not choose and just be carried along can drag out the process, but eventually you will find yourself choosing, even if the choice is something as simple as choosing to go to a movie rather than think about it more right now. When you hit the transition, you'll know.

Meanwhile, you are a bear stuck in a great tightness. All transitions are full of doubt and regret - I'm sure you're well aware of the 'emotional signposts in labor' thing, where the stage called transition is marked with 'self doubt'. Self-doubt, my ASS, I always have said - I'm not in doubt, I'm in absolute certainty! Certain I cannot! Doubt sounds like 'I wonder if I can, hmm, maybe I don't think so.' But in transition in labor, I'm dead-certain that I cannot. Period. The same with every transition in my life - I'm not flippy-flopping around, thinking eh, maybe, maybe not. I'm adamant, certain, seriously and thoughtfully and to my core, that this path cannot be right, I cannot. The choice was the wrong one all along. CERTAIN, to my core. And I stay there, stuck in it, waiting. And then I wait long enough, and my shape changes, and I am released from the knothole, and can move again.

I have found with each pregnancy that went to term that I ended up in the same freakin place every time. Certain that this was the wrong choice. Not just 'scared that I can't do this' but certain, knowing from bones to skin, that I CANNOT. I am almost never as clear-eyed and true in my self-understanding than at that moment, when I know, know know know know KNOW that I am trapped. The only way out is through, and through is solid rock - there is no f-ing 'THROUGH' this! There's only slamming into the rock.

And then again, I shift, and the rock is not rock, or is not where I thought, or the direction is some other direction and the rock is merely alongside. Something opens in me and I move again. Just like with Pooh (the original bear stuck in a great tightness), reading a sustaining book, and often in the company of others, is a good way to pass the time while one's shape changes. I recommend at this time not one on parenting or children or birth, but on pain, loss, struggle, or theology/spirituality. Just reading scripture of one's choice is good, because what you need is something that sustains your core while the rest of you changes shape.

No matter what the choice ends up being, choosing is still motion. And motion means you are no longer stuck. And being no longer stuck means you are no longer in true bleak despair - things may still hurt, you may be scared, you may be angry, and all sorts of other things, but you will not be in despair anymore.

Each time I've reached about 3-4 weeks from my due date (seriously, same timing!), I've panicked. Tried to flee where I was. Was unable to flee. Ended up trapped, wedged into reality, unable to move, in despair. And every time, at least after the first time, I've recognized where I was, said, Ah-HA!, and found something sustaining to read.

I also am one of the many many moms who does not bond instantly with my kids. They're cute, I'm responsible for them, they're mine, yadda yadda. Love? Nope. Passion kicks in around 6-8 weeks for me, a bit sooner with the twins because I was so worried that it would take for-freaking-ever trying to bond with two different babies at once that I practically studied them under a microscope to get a sense of who they were, and that did actually speed things up. Not that I think it was necessary - it was actually kind of odd not letting it grow naturally on its own. And frankly, I still don't entirely understand R, and struggle to say more than superficial things about what makes her unique and herself - she just keeps that stuff to herself more than the rest of my kids (one of my sisters does the same, so at least I recognize it isn't abnormal, just ... hard).

We, like others, also had a lot of structural family issues that didn't work as expected when we had twins. We were planning our third child, had planned financially for that third child, were ready for that third child. And we got an extra. And with that extra, we got physical issues, fears, concerns, losses along with structural and financial ones, and social ones (it's hard on the other kids, too). In the transition space, those were the only things I could see (I actually hit that transition earlier in the twin preg, since I think I was anticipating them being preterm - by the time I got to term, I was at ease, but I still had to go through the knothole first!). It's once we start moving, and living with the choice we've made, that we let go of the death-grip on life, and things feel better.

My mother and I talked about this over dinner last night, strangely enough. Not about your specifics, but my mom's (and mine). My mom is a minister, and in seminary they had a class where they talked about human pain and suffering (several, really, but one in particular stood out). My mom mentioned the dark night of the soul, and one of the other students, who was theologically the opposite of her (multi-denominational seminary) met her eye, and the understanding passed between them, and he stood up and my mom stood up and they embraced each other as if they had been lifelong friends. They each knew, had each been to that place, had each chosen (different for each, but choice was key) and had the despair release and life open up in response. Another woman there tentatively said that she thought she was in that place, weeping constantly, afraid, keening into her pillow, stuck, trapped... both my mother and her new friend said, with one voice, "GOOD!" Everyone looked at them, the ones who had not felt it in shock - how could anyone, especially someone in training for ministry, rejoice at someone else's pain? Both said the same thing - this is a gift, embrace it. Take it in, welcome it, allow it, accept it, and from that place, know that life IS, and that from here the opportunities are beyond measure. (One of the reasons that that state of being hurts so much, IMHO, is that it is so ALIVE, too alive, overwhelmingly alive. Every nerve is alive. Just like in intense grief, the barest breath of movement is felt on nerves exposed fully, not buried beneath our psychic skin.)

Um, anyway, I'm not sure if that helps at all. It is only my truth, and my mother's truth, meshed. Carry on.

[hedra]

@Jen, parenthacks.com recently had a discussion of how to make life easier when a spouse is traveling. Worth a look-see!

[Jody]

Oh, Moxie. I hope the scream helps. What a wallop of trouble....

[lee]

In light of issues here, this is minor. But I'm still screaming about it.

Why am I all of a sudden pumping about 50% less milk than I used to? I think my P-I-S is crapping out and I only need it for about two more months to make it to the sacred one year point.

And why do my nipples get sore and bleed a bit when I pump? Dude, I'm not new to pumping; I've been doing it for months.

[ACJ]

@Maria - I'm in Wisconsin - want to get in touch? I don't really want to put my email up here for all to see, and I don't want to burden Moxie by asking you to email her for my address since she can probably see it as admin...... ideas?

I am thinking of leaving my husband.

@MelanieTM - I've been there with the husband's mental health stuff, and the body image stuff (I commented as anonymous on Moxie's body image post a few months ago, more of my story is there). That issue, as well as all kinds of other stuff that has happened between us, is hard for me to get over and I'm at that place right now where I can't move forward with any "us" plans because I'm not sure we can stay together. I've thought about leaving for a long time but have felt guilty and awful about it, especially since he's been (mentally and physically) ill. We've talked about it - separating - a little bit, sideways, fairly calmly. But I don't think he knows yet how seriously I am considering it. I emailed someone about an available apartment and I just keep putting off making an appointment to see it because I am scared as f**k.

I also have feelings for another man, a friend, and although I definitely do not want to move it into affair territory, that's mainly because I have these hopes that it could actually work out as a real relationship. I feel like I could fall in love with him. I never ever thought I could feel this way about someone else. And I don't know if he feels anything for me, besides friendship.

And with leaving, I might've done it long ago except for my daughter. How do you work out custody? I don't want to take my husband from her or vice versa, and the thought of being without her and not having some control over her well-being almost sends me into a panic attack.

Everyone, I am so sorry you all are going through all of this, and Moxie, thank you for giving us a space to show this secret side of ourselves.

[hedra]

@lee, that's a normal time for a pumping slump, it is NOT your PIS (I'm betting) - 10+ months is right on time for a huge 'not letting down or getting much from the pump' phase. Take some fenugreek or Mothers Milk Tea or eat more oatmeal or whatever it is that you find boosts supply for you, add in an extra pumping session in the morning if you can, follow the hints on my article here: http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/breast/pumping.htm

And hang in there for two more weeks. I quit pumping with my eldest before a year because of the slump - I thought it was a permanent loss of supply/pump failure/something, and gave it up. G was fine, all in all.

But B - no can do. MSPI (Milk/Soy Protien Intolerance), it was pump or ... water? juice? rice milk? So I pumped. I worked through the slump, and it took about two weeks to get to enough recovery to feel like I was carrying on. And then I pumped to 14 months before stopping and just nursing morning/nights/weekends.

And the twins, M and R, again, Milk/Soy Protien Intolerance plus true IgE dairy allergy for M, and R just plain hated all the alternate options. So, um, pumping. Pumping through the same freaking slump at the same time/age. Mothers Milk Tea, More Milk Tincture (which I had to quit as it freaked M right out), oatmeal out the ears (any whole grain, really, I do better with oats), more rest, more water, may I recommend a professional massage as well? It helps with letdown, IMHO, for a week or so after. And I pumped for the girls to 15 months. So, hang in there. It isn't you, you aren't alone, there just aren't enough moms on the internet crying 'why is my milk supply going away for the pump at 10/11 months???' to have it show up as more than a blip waaaay down the search results. (The same slump happens at 6 months, for a lot of moms, too.)

Hang in there.

Sympathy all around to everyone. My life isn't grand and peaches right now, either, but it is mainly stress and irritants, not anything major.

[z]

Sending hugs, prayers and margaritas to everyone.

[ann]

Oh I'm so sorry.. I've been there... happened with my maid of honor and another long time friend... haven't spoken to either in well over a year and have no idea why this came down?? It has also caused issues in my marraige because they are mutual friends and my husband has chosen them over me (I met him through them) and we are getting divorced and my son is 18 months old... I don't know why people do the things they do...or how they can live with themselves when being so hurtful to others... My heart goes out to you... I love your posts.. you have helped me through so much as our timing on some of this stuff has been the same and it makes me feel like I'm not alone (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone!!) Anyway.. guess I'm just trying to say I'm sorry you are going through this... I know how hard it is .. my thoughts are with you... hang in there... I hope you feel all the love from everyone ... you have helped all of us so much!!!

[Suki]

I love this site. It helps so much to know I am not alone in feeling like life just sucks, so bad, sometimes. I send you all my thoughts and hugs.

@ meggan, I always, always, gain weight when I start working out. You store water for some reason when taxing your muscles. When your body gets used to it, it lets go of the water. This can take 3 to 6 months. I know that feels like an eternity, but please stick with it, because in 3 to 6 months you are going to see results you didn't think possible. Most people give up long before then, and struggle throughout their lives with their weight. If you can just stick with it, things will finally change, and you won't be in the struggle anymore.

@anonymous, whose son is due in less than three weeks. I don't know if this will help, but I want you to know that you aren't alone. I was very indifferent about having children, and my husband did not want children at all. I got pregnant, and hated being pregnant. I gave birth, and after the euphoria (try going without an epidural if possible, the endorphine rush afterwards is UNREAL) of giving birth wore off, I was pretty miserable. In all honestly, I loved my son, but thought motherhood sucked. I even yelled at my parents one day and asked them if it was all a big sick joke that people actually recommend childrearing - because at that moment, it was closer to hell than heaven. Thankfully my husband and I were both on the same page, so we were able to be honest with one another and admit, several times during my son's first year, that we were pretty much hating it. Words I could never speak aloud, but thought often, were that I'd made a mistake and "ruined my life" by having a child. And I DID love him, honestly, a ton, but hated motherhood. Thank GOD for this site. Thank GOD for this site, really. Anyhow, my son is 18 months old now and I love it. He's the best thing about my life, and I've had a great life. And my husband feels the same way. And we've even talked about having another one. SO, if you are so miserable after the baby comes, please remember, it's not so unusual. A lot of women feel that way. But, this is IMPOSSIBLE to believe at the time, but honestly, the first year will be over before you know it. And you will eventually know and feel and believe that your child is the greatest gift you have ever received. And you will be so thankful. I believe that for you.

[lee]

Thanks, Hedra. That was a terrific list!

[absolutely anon [i hope]]

OK, late to the party but how about this:
Husband died of cancer one month ago. I am in my 30'es, have a 3 year old, am living in a country [his] where I am only semi-integrated, his estate boil down to zero, I am not sure I can stay in our flat [it came with his job], I nursed him through his illness so most of my work contracts are not renewed, there is no insurance or pension, AND [drum roll]:
It turns out that he was conducting all these intense emotional affairs, everywhere I look there are diary notes about how boring I am and emails to other women. The worst so far are the sex-chat transcripts.
I am numb and horrified and scared of the future and I cannot even properly grieve him now. I am not really angry, and I would still love nothing better than him coming through the door. But the big sadness, I cannot access it now.

[hedra]

Absolutely anon, that would shatter my heart, I think. I wish you the best in healing and re-discovering hope and being able to move (forward? any direction?) again.

[Annie Onymous]

My problems are so very marginal compared to what many commenters are going through, and compared to things that people I know are going through, but I am putting this out there anyway because I need a safe place to do so before I lose my mind, and I know this is a safe place.

We are facing a series of Solomon's choices around money. We are barely breaking even. This month, we won't, and that is with us living a no-frills, tightly budgeted lifestyle. Part of the problem is that our rent and child care expenses both shot up a couple of months ago, and a client of mine paid me very late, which caused a ripple effect that was more like a tsunami, leading to numerous late fees, bounced checks, and double payments for the next month.

As of today, we don't have money for food in our budget, and that is with picking and choosing which bills have to be paid on time, and which bills can be paid a little bit later. Fortunately, I have become a resourceful cook out of necessity, and we still have some staples in our pantry and freezer, but in two weeks' time, we'll be out of those, since we were already leaning on our stores more heavily than in the past.

The worst part of all of this is that my child needs to start a therapy program, and even with insurance coverage, we can't afford the co-payments for the recommended twice-weekly therapies. We are going to ask for a once-weekly schedule, but we can't do that until we pay the current balance due to the clinic.

I am failing at so many things right now, but most importantly, I'm failing my son, and I frequently contemplate suicide-disguised-as-accident so that at least my son and husband would be able to keep a roof over their heads thanks to various benefits. I know it's 'just money', but our situation has become desperate, and if there is some relief on the horizon, I can't see it. Though I do feel a little better having written some of it down. Thanks, Moxie.

[Maria Wood]

Oh, absolutely anon, I'm so sorry for all those losses you're dealing with at once. I'm thinking of you.

[Simone]

I was out of town last week, and am just now catching up on everyone's posts. In fact, I know there's a good chance no one will ever see mine. But be assured that I have read, and wept over, your various entries. Prayers have been said. Hang in there.