Personal day (primal scream)

This week someone I thought was a good friend betrayed me and won't talk with me about it, one grandma had to put down her beloved dog that she got right after my grandpa died, and the other grandma just got diagnosed with leukemia. I'm exhausted from crying and not sleeping (although I figured out last night that a double-dose of Rescue Remedy and rubbing a lot of magnesium oil on my feet quieted my head enough to let me finally conk out).

I'll be back tomorrow. Primal Scream here for you today.

Comments

[paola]

Oh Moxie, sorry to hear about your awful week. Why do shitty things always have to happen at the same time?

[Shandra]

So sorry. Good thoughts your way!

[peaceinyourcrib]

oh the loss.
i am sorry.
grace to you beautiful one.

[Allison]

Sometimes things just suck. I'm really sorry. :(

Get some rest and take some time for yourself if you can.

[Melissa]

I'm so sorry about everything. Wishing you peace and the clarity you do so much to bring to others.

[hedra]

I'm so sorry. Angry hurtful owies with lots of "why???!!!?" but no answers are, well, miserable.

I hope the personal day helps get you settled and grounded enough to carry on through.

[ccr in MA]

Oh, my stars. Why does it happen all at once like that? Sending good thoughts your way.

[caramama]

I'm so sorry for all of it! Please take care of yourself and your family.

I'm also sending good thoughts your way.

[Jennifer Collins]

I'm so sorry! My thoughts are with you and both of your grandmas as well.

[Maria Wood]

Shit, Moxie, I am really sorry.

If it helps at all, you're not alone in betrayal.

~~Warning – thread hijacking ahead~~

I have been planning a 500-mile interstate move for over a year, to live closer to my brother and his family, so that my only child and his only child, who are only a year apart in age, could grow up together, be pseudo-siblings, and so that I as a single mother could have family support. My brother and I have had an extraordinarily close and supportive relationship all our adult lives, including caring for our dying mother together in our 20s and coping with all kinds of dysfunctional family shenanigans from other relatives.

I was planning to move at the end of August. My daughter was (is) excited about it. I put lots of time and energy into finding community among other moms in the new place, signed up for a homeschool coop, broke the news to P's father and began fighting the ensuing legal battle with him.

I went down to find housing this month, and it turns out that my brother/his wife are freaked out by the move, feel all kinds of pressure and are resentful, basically can't handle it. They don't want us to move there. We stayed in their HOUSE for 10 days on this trip and only saw her for one day, him for 5 or 6. It was awful. I finally sent an email (I had to send an email to communicate!) asking what was going on, if there was a problem I wanted to know about it before moving. Since then, a couple of awkward conversations and the upshot is we're not moving there. I'd rather change plans than risk ruining this relationship completely – my brother is one of the two or three most important people in my life, and the relationship has been a steady rock for me through all kinds of turmoil.

I have discussed this move with him, he's encouraged me to make it, for over a year! We've had many conversations about expectations, about how it would work, how great it would be for the kids to be close to each other, how great it would be for *us* to be close to each other…

My shock and disbelief is huge. We haven't talked for the past week and I really miss my brother. I have no idea what to do instead of making this move. It really sucks.

[hedra]

@Maria Wood, I'm so sorry.

Is there a way to discuss the zone of discomfort (eventually - now is too wounded and bleeding to start) in such a way that you could find a place that is 'close enough to be close, and far enough to not feel encroached'? It sounds like he and his wife suddenly realized that there was a physical aspect to their participation in the move, that would be there forever - that he was by encouraging the move accepting *responsibility* for you and your daughter. And that he doesn't know how to be a family with more than his own family, and is worried that he cannot afford the energy.

I don't know if seeing a model of it would help - my brother moved up to be near us, and found a house that was 20 minutes from ours. This seems to be a good distance. Too far to just stop by unannounced, close enough to drop off or help out or pick up. Anything up to about 45 minutes might be a comfortable range to start. But that's probably not a conversation for now, for now is healing the wound his fear caused him (or rather, healing the wound he discovered through his fear), and working forward again.

Families have these setbacks. I know it feels awful, but it is normal. We find the landmines mainly by treading on them. Then we have to put all the bodies back together again, search out the shrapnel and the other landmines that might be nearby, and replant that ground and wait for things to grow there, and THEN walk on it again... gingerly for a while.

I wish one of my brothers would move nearer us, but I'm localized to family and cannot move nearer him. I wish his son and my kids could grow up entangled with each others' lives. I see how that helps set the relationship for my brothers kids and my own. At the same time, I also know that I have a good adult relationship with my sister-who-I-didn't-meet-until-she-was-16, who was sporadic in my life until well after that point, as well. There's childhood relationship, and there's adult relationship with family, and they can either one start at any point and still be good.

I'm sorry for the loss of dream, regardless, and the loss of expectation for your daughter. I hope you find a way to resolve and roll with it and carry on with the relationship being the core and heart and soul, and the locale being only the locale. Best of luck, I hope you find a way to succeed.

[hydrogeek]

Thinking of you today Moxie.

And you too Maria.

[electriclady]

Maria, I hope you're able to repair this hurt.

Moxie, thinking of you. I don't suppose margaritas are allowed on your detox?

[attiton]

These stories.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

People IRL.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Better. Thanks.

[attiton]

Wow. Kinda looks like I called people in real life an ass there. Didn't really mean that...although, some of them certainly can be.

[Cathy]

@Moxie - I hope things get better soon. I'm sorry for such stinkiness.

@Maria Wood - (This sounds trite, and it's too soon to say it) but it's better to know this now than after your move. I agree with Hedra about that's close enough to be near by but far enough to have your (and his) own space. And that 20-45 minutes away is a good range.

My SIL, who was a young singlish mother (working through the dregs of a bad relationship) lived with us for about a year with her new baby and it was Too Much for me. Our house was small, I was pregnant with my very first baby and we also had my 8 year old step-son. It was important to my husband to help take care of her, and in my rational mind it made sense to me too - where the goal was to get her upright and on her own again. But it was hard. And I know that she was going through a lot and I should have been able to share, but it was hard for me. I'm sure this is much more extreme than what you had planned. But here's the good part - she's now happily married and living about 30-45 minutes away, depending on rush hour. It's a good distance - and our daughters, who are 7 months apart, get to have lots of fun together about once a month. But you can still pitch in when you really need it (like when someone needs to be picked up at daycare because their mother might be in labor.)

[Shannon]

What kind of a detox doesn't allow margaritas?

Maria, I really don't get how your brother would feel too much pressure from you moving near him, but in a SEPARATE HOUSE. I could see if you were trying to crash on his couch, but it sounds like you're going to be fully independent.

Ooh, I love primal scream days!

Here's mine: Why am I still battling @#$%! depression? Shouldn't I be cured by now?

[Moxie]

I think I've switched to the margarita detox.

[Semi-anon for today]

Oh how I need this.

We just moved 3 months ago to a duplex. Our upstairs neighbor had what appears to be a pyscotic break about a month ago. Since he has come back from the hospital, we haven't been able to live at home because he thinks we want to hurt him and he breaks things and is threatening, so we have to keep calling the police. We are staying with (incredibly generous) friends an hour away which means my commute with the toddler is super long. We need to find a new place to live which is proving incredibly difficult.

Oh yeah, and I'm 6 months pregnant and if my contractions don't stop, my midwife is threatening me with bedrest. Only I don't have a freaking bed.

[jessica]

HUGS and cannolis!!!

[Jill]

Prayers for all who are hurting.

[anon]

Moxie :(( hugs and extra salt

Maria Wow. No words of advice just wow, I'm sorry that has got to be such a load to deal with right now. I hope the relationships mend and grow with new understandings.

I wish I could do something for each of you struggling but hopefully the positive thoughts carry some calming, peaceful, healing energy your way.

[Charisse]

Moxie, Maria, and Semi --sending you hugs, good thoughts, and chocolate.

[hedra]

Cannolis. Mmmmm. I think really fattening things with a lot of cream are called for all around. (If I could eat them, that'd be better... can someone make them with goat or sheep cream, please? Sigh.)

@Semi-anon, good luck finding new place, better place, safe place. Fingers crossed on the bed rest, too.

[Maria Wood]

Thanks everyone for the assurance and advice. I do believe we'll get through this, my brother and I (and our kids), and I'm making no firm decisions in my current shocky and fragile state, but it's looking now like I'll be moving in the opposite (geographical) direction from them for now at least.

I think we'll head back closer to where I lived for almost 20 years until moving back to where I grew up a couple of years ago. People there actually want us to move back, and it's familiar and comforting territory for me. I am apprehensive of being back within reach of P's father, but it'll probably be healthy for me to get comfortable with setting those boundaries.

I wasn't going to live in their house, I wasn't necessarily going to live within walking distance of my brother et famille. I was just going to the general area. I am grateful we figured out this problem before I made the move, and I do actually feel a grain of thankfulness that we've exposed these wounds on both sides so that hopefully we can begin to heal them. It's obviously stuff that's been buried for way too long, that we didn't deal with when it occurred (I thought about this a lot last week during the discussion here about how not to be crazy when we get old).

It really really hurts though.

@semi-anon for today and @ Shannon, and everybody fighting their own battles: I'm thinking of you and so happy to have this little island of community to share the burdens with.

[Sarah]

I like primal scream day. I have a good AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in me. I love my father. I do. But he has this habit of having to redo everything. We're working with a contractor on a project (but it can be getting the oil changed on my car, picking my son up from camp, hanging a towel rod). We have a contract that lays out what we're doing. And he is questioning every stage. We had a long (in this case 6 months) of consultation before starting the project. Input before a decision is made--great. Ideas, speculation, random thoughts. Fine. But once we've decided to start something, let's just do it. Change orders cost money, money we don't have. Our contractor has been great. I don't think anything has gone wrong or been screwed up. There is no reason to fuss about the next things just because they are beginning imminently. Or even fuss at me, then when I explain the plan AGAIN, still go to the contractor and ask the same question. And get the same answer the contractor gave us 6 months ago. It just makes me insane.

And Moxie, good luck. Sounds like some tough days ahead, with being pulled in many directions.

[Colleen]

So sorry for the bad day. Get some rest and give yourself the tme and love you need to get through it all. Thinking of you.

[rudyinparis]

Shannon, I think you're great. Hang in there. And Maria Wood I am in awe of your calm! Semi-anon, I have some horrific neighbors who haved sic'd (however you spell that) their pit bull on 2 different people in the last 4 days. ("Git im Fat Boy! Git im!" is not what you love to hear at 1:30 in the morning.) I do call Animal Control, but there's only so much they can do, and the situation feels like a time bomb. There are a ton of little kids--not just mine--in the neighborhood. I am quietly freaking out about this. The house has been foreclosed (they rent) but that whole process can take forever. I'm having a hard time controlling my stress and anger over what they are doing to our lovely, quiet, working-class neighborhood.

[Cathy]

@Maria - sounds like you've got it under control. :^) I'm sorry for the hurt feelings and surprise. It's no fun.

@Semi-anon - I can only imagine. Good luck with finding a new place to stay and the new baby.

[Shannon]

Rudyinparis, you are so sweet. Thank you so much for your comment. That pitbull incident is so terrible.

I'm having a tough day due to time-of-the-month issues, and I'm working from home, which is great but also very lonely.

On top of that, I just had a thought that makes me feel like the worst person in the whole world for thinking it. It's a jealousy thing ... don't worry, nobody's life is in danger! :)

[Moxie]

Oh, Shannon, I've been the queen of evil thoughts this week. Yours certainly can't make you a worse person than I am.

rudyinparis, I love that the dog is named Fat Boy. That makes the story way, way more horrifying and funny.

[Lisa]

Rudyinparis, could you csll the police as well as animal control? There's probably a law about using an animal as a weapon etc.... maybe they could get a warning visit from a cop w/an anonymous tip?

[Kate]

Good grief. Hugs to everyone.

[Joy]

My prayers go out for all of you struggling and suffering today... I'd bake you all loaves of homemade bread if I could...

[Cloud]

@Rudyinparis- pit bulls scare me, too. My parents' neighbors had two, and one kept getting into their yard. They eventually called the police, and the police took the dogs away. So I second the idea of calling the police, if only to find out what line the dogs/neighbors have to cross before the police will take the dogs away. Personally, I think setting your dogs on someone would qualify, but who knows what the law says?

Big hugs to all of you who needed the primal scream day. I hope things get better soon. @Shannon- if bad thoughts made us bad people, a lot of us would be in trouble. Judge yourself by your actions, not your thoughts.

[Maria Wood]

Calm?? Under control??

I am anything but. I am perhaps a little numb, and today I am working on very little sleep and a whole bunch of stress-induced but very real physical symptoms that I'm afraid are going to turn into a full-blown illness.

I am trying to work through this healthily – feeling the feelings but maintaining a sense of perspective and awareness that it's a luxurious dilemma and that over time the relationship will survive. I really hope. Trying not to panic about the utter lack of support I have for raising my daughter and taking care of myself and maintaining the household… about so many things.

[Jennifer]

Minor primal scream here (at least in comparison to everyone else's awfulness! -- I am so sorry), because my 19 month old WILL. NOT. GO. TO. SLEEP. I don't know what the effing heck is going on with her, but she's nearly two hours past her usual naptime (yes, she's a morning napper, yes, she's weird), and she just won't give up! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH. And it's really, really hot and humid....

[anon-too]

OMG - I need this primal scream so badly.

There is so much going on in my life right now. My husband and I are surrounded my turmoil on both sides of the family. The list is long - parents in crisis (divorce, money issues, health issues), siblings in crisis (divorce, money issues, MAJOR mental health issues). We've been trying to help everyone as much as we can. We've done so willingly. This is our family. We love them. We even really LIKE them.

But its taking its toll. I've reached the breaking point. And I know this because I've lost all sympathy & empathy with *everyone* else's crap. Its so hard to feel sympathetic for someone who won't help themselves. My favorite line right now is "Sh*t or get off the pot." I'm tired of hearing them complain, complain, complain (for YEARS) about their problems and doing nothing to remedy them.

Its been very healing to realize that we are NOT responsible for anyone but our own little family and our dear sweet baby boy. We cannot control anything that anyone else does, only our reaction to their actions. We can try and help. We can give assistance. But I'm done beating my head on the wall over them. I'm.... just.... simply....done.

Why, why WHY does it all hit the fan at once?? Did everyone get together and decide this would be the year where they would all decide to fall into the valley of manic-depression, denial & alcoholism? I mean really, how much crazy can one family handle?

And then why - on top of everything, does the washing machine decide to stop working, the baby suddenly outgrow ALL of his clothes at once, and the car break down?

[SarcastiCarrie]

Anon-too: I'm pretty sure that your washing machine and car had a suicide pact. But, before the washing machine was ready, it murdered (shrank) all of the baby's clothes. They caught the crazy from the other members of the family.

It was bound to catch up with them. Washers and Cars are known for their fragile egos, and they know that they can lord their power over you because who wants to be stuck walking in the sweltering summer heat and then have no where to wash their stinky, sweaty clothes?

[anontoo]

@saracsticarrie

I SO need that laugh. Thank you.

[MelanieTM]

May I jump in?

Good lord, where to start.

Christmas '06 - MIL had a heart attack. She moved in with us. I was 8 months pregnant and she moved into the only available room we had - the nursery.

Feb. 1 '07 - Baby daughter was born via emergency C-section, after induction due to severe pre-eclampsia, because she was complete breech and in severe distress.

Feb. 5 '07 - MIL died in our living room from suspected blood clot in lungs. Two paramedics + husband couldn't lift her because she was 300+ lbs. I couldn't help, see above C-section.

Rest of '07 - Spent in spirals of depression in a "third-world" country away from my friends and family, no support for me or my husband. (said country had highest violent crime and sexual assault rates in the world in 2007).

Christmas '07 - Husband has mental breakdown while visiting my parents in the U.S. I thought things had been bad before, but that was the worst week of my life.

Jan. '08 - Husband in therapy and on medication.

Spring '08 - Full steam ahead with plans to sell our house, business and move to the U.S. and out of this country. But husband stops therapy.

Summer '08 - Husband stops meds without telling me. Starts getting really unstable again. Starts fighting selling business/house. Tells me he's no longer attracted to me - because surprise, surprise I gained all my pregnancy weight back plus some. I eat when I'm depressed and lonely. Doesn't know if he wants to move because he isn't sure things will work out between us. I can't sell the business or the house out from under him, nothing is in my name and would that even be right?

I quit school and a really good job to move here 6 years ago so if I go back alone I will be starting from scratch all over again. If I stay here I will be miserable and lonely.

I love him and I want him to go with me because I think we can really make a go of it somewhere new and with support from friends and family. But I don't know if I love him enough to stay.

[professor mama]

This doesn't compare to PP's woes, but:

MY THREE YEAR OLD REFUSES TO POOP IN THE POTTY!!!!
AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
I wash a pair (sometimes two) of his underpants each day that he fills with poop. It's just like he's in cloth diapers!!!!
He has complete bladder control for almost 3 months but refuses to poop in the potty. We've tried it all: rewards, sitting on the potty for up to an hour while reading books, etc. We try to "catch him" when he's about to go and get him on the potty, but he runs from us. We've tried to put the responsibility on him for cleaning himself and changing, but he'd rather sit in his poop for HOURS.
NOTHING WORKS.
He tells us when he's pooped in his underpants and that he's ready to get cleaned up. He knows what's going on and what to do.
The biggest stressor is that he starts a Montessori preschool program in 3 weeks and they want him to have learned to use the potty all the time.....
SHIT! (Yes, pun intended!)

[Lucky's mama]

I broke my foot a few weeks ago, my husband is hobbling around because he needs knee surgery. Did I mention that we have a very hyper dog who misses his early morning walks and so he's digging huge holes in the yard and my garden because he's anxious? Plus, an eight month old boy who's crawling? I hope, I hope, I hope that he doesn't take up walking before me.

Sympathy for everyone, and I'd like an extra large margharita, please.

[JB]

I love my mother, but she makes me crazy. I just spent a week's vacation with her (and other family) and she rehearses the same stories of people "wronging" her over. and over. and over. and over again until I am ready to scream. She's normally a very upbeat, positive person, but she becomes caught in a rut of telling these negative stories about friends or family members who have done her wrong, and no matter what my response, she can't shake it off. Makes. Me. Nuts! Advice welcome. I don't even know if it's my place to try to help her with that.

Moxie, Shannon, professormama, Maria Wood and everyone -- so sorry for all the things, big and small, that you are facing today. Close your eyes and breathe deep. You are greatly loved.

[AnonToday2]

Usually I read the Primal Scream days with horror and sympathy and awe at the strength of the people in this community, then post something about hugs and prayers and support.

Not today.

My husband was fired from his job 2 weeks ago. He was given 30 days notice so we will have paychecks for 3 more weeks. He did nothing wrong and isn't culpable in any way. I'm not sugarcoating -- that's the truth. I am a SAHM so we have no other source of income or insurance.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with our second.

We do have some savings and 2 401Ks that total about $10K after penalties, so we can make it for a few months on that, plus unemployment and state health ins.

He has a BIG interview the day after tomorrow. I have never prayed so hard for anything in my life as I am praying that he gets this job. If he gets it, it means moving 1800 miles away from both our families ... I have never even lived out of this state, much less in a different time zone. But I will go! Send me!

If he does not get it, we will not be able to stay in our house and I will probably have to go back to work after #2 arrives. Until then, we will have to sell our cars (and house) and live hand-to-mouth until one or both of us can find a job. My field is in demand and he has lots of unique skills.

I know God has a plan for us. I know the plan is good -- our marriage is rock-solid, our oldest is a constant joy, all signs point toward health for #2 ... What else is important, right? We can drive beater cars and live in a tiny rental and be happy. We can.

I am so scared.

[flea]

I love primal scream days, because they do set me back on my heels and make me realize that my problems are not the world's biggest problems. Even if they feel like that.

I am here to report that moving out of state with small children is incredibly stressful. I am just barely keeping it together, and have been having mini-breakdowns in the evenings. Also, is there any corporate entity more evil than cable companies? Satan himself trains their customer service staff, right?

[Maria]

I'm so sorry for everyone going through awful stuff.

My own primal scream is quite trivial: it is currently uttered in our neighbour's back yard by their parrot. And it frightens Mio so much, he runs inside crying everytime the parrot yells. Which is a lot. So: first summer in new place with nice garden, beautiful weather, stupid stupid bird, boy that only wants to play inside.

ETA: I know it's not the bird's fault, it only screams out of habit and to get attention. Unfortunately, that seems to be the common pattern at our neightbour's...

[Shannon]

@JB, your mom sounds like my grandma. The older she got, the more often we had to hear stories about how everybody wronged her. For awhile you could kind of tiptoe around any subject that triggered these kinds of stories, but as she advanced in age it seemed like ANYTHING would trigger them. The only thing that helped was to never be alone with her. Somehow she didn't feel comfortable telling these stories around my husband.

@AnonToday2, I am so sorry. I hope your husband gets the job, and maybe one of us lives in the new city and can befriend you. I know that's a really cheesy thing to say, but my first thought was, "Well, SOMEBODY must live where she's moving."

[cassandra]

I'd like to send you all hugs and a sympathetic ear (but thankfully you've already got that here). I would also love to suggest, if you'll let me, that along with the primal scream (exhale) that one of you're next inhales is with your lower abdomen/gut. I'm pretty sure that we all used to breathe like our babies do---with our abdomen instead of our chests. It's incredibly calming and doesn't require any special equipment or place. Just keep breathing....it's got to get better!

[AnonTodayToo]

My son will be born in less than three weeks. If I could give him up for adoption I would.