Some points from yesterday's comments

You guys did a really great job pulling apart the issues for Julie yesterday. It does sound like she's got several things going on at once.

I did want to address some things mentioned in the comments yesterday.

A couple people felt like Julie's anxiety was misplaced because it was her who was upset about her son being in daycare, but it wasn''t hurting her son. That may be true--kids thrive in all kinds of different childcare situations. But it's also completely valid to miss your child and want to be the one caring for him! If you spent nine months (at least) working hard to get this kid, then hell yes you have a right to want to be the one there most of the time.

On the other hand, not wanting to be there all day long doesn't make you a bad mom. Different people have different temperaments. I look at those moms who run around at the playground playing elaborate games with their kids and think "I am not from the same planet they're from." But I'm a great mom to my kids in my own way. And most of the day I miss my kid (and the texts my babysitter sends about what the little one is doing make me jealous). But I am so relieved not to ahve to deal with the playground politics, and naptime, and all that crap.

I'm reading the Stay-At-Home Survival Guide by Melissa Stanton (to review next week for Mothertalk, but so far two thumbs up) and one of the things I think she does an amazing job with is being realistic about how nothing's perfect. You are never going to love everything about staying at home with your kids. Frankly, a lot of it is drudge work that most of us would pay to outsource if we could. But if that's what your heart pulls you to, then you deal with it.

If you work outside the home, you know that you don't love every minute of it. Even if you really enjoy the essence of your job (which makes you lucky because a lot of women show up for the paycheck and insurance only) and your coworkers (big shout out to most of the people in my office), there are parts of working that frankly just suck (and is drudge work that we'd outsource if our bosses would pay for it). And we haven't even gotten to the whole aspect of how stressed out the morning is before you leave for work and the evening when you come home, trying to get everything done.

Any time they do one of those surveys about women working at home or out of the home, the consensus among the respondants seems to be that the best thing is to work part time. That way you get enough time to be an adult with other adults in an office (or on your laptop, or massage studio, or whatever you do). But you also get a significant chunk of daily time with your kids. And, having been SAHM, WAHM, and now WOHM, I'd have to agree.

To me the question is how is the world going to change in the next 25 years. Are things going to shift so that there is meaningful part-time work for parents (because I don't think working full-time is good for dads, either)? Or are we going to be stuck in this nasty tug-of-war? I think the angst about working full-time or not working at all (for pay) is our generations Feminine Mystique.

What do you think?

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Comments

[Moxie]

Test.

[Diane]

Moxie, I just have to say. Of all the things you've said on this site that have helped me, from sleep regressions to nursing strikes and everything in between, NOTHING has helped me so much as you confessing that you aren't the "get down on the floor and play" kind of mom. As a SAHM, I felt like such a failure for not having that ability. Your comment just now about moms who can do that being from another planet really hit home for me. I envy that ability so much, but I also realize that the type of mom I am isn't something that I have to be ashamed of. (At 22 months, she loves to help load the dishwasher and put clothes in the wash, so I can't be completely failing, right? ;))

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for that.

[Suki]

@ Diane - I am so not that kind of mom either, and I honestly don't understand why we assume that 'get on the floor and play' mom is the better model. I'm not saying it's worse, I'm just saying... why do we assume that it is better, as opposed to just being one of many equal 'mommy personality types'? I think our kids need to know they are loved, safe, provided for, and nurtured (which could be illustrated by play on the floor, but also could be cuddles and music and walks and books...). From my experience living in other parts of the world, I think for many mothers in the world it would never even occur to them to get down on the floor/ground and play with their kids! Most moms are just far too busy doing what needs to be done...

[Miriam]

I don't have kids yet, and I already have trouble balancing everything in my life! I just read yesterday about a group called Flex-Time Lawyers -- it was founded by an attorney who wanted to be able to spend more time with her kids. They advocate for more flexible, family-friendly workplaces, and help female lawyers find the right job for their circumstances. I think we need more of these types of organizations to keep encouraging more flexible employment and rewarding companies that offer it. Now that so much is done online, why shouldn't employers provide more opportunities to keep their employees happy and balanced?

[hedra]

I really hope that the 'rising trend' of women negotiating their jobs to make life sane is an actual 'rising trend' and not just a media flurry over nothing.

Granted, I'm one of them. And I know I think four others - no, five. Wait, six. Six well. And probably a good dozen less well but also doing it. But that's out of god knows how many women I've worked with? And right now, most of the women I work with are full-time, 'working for the paycheck' moms, with no power to negotiate these things. It SUCKS. It sucks also being one who can adapt and flex and do what I want while they cannot (I'm on contract, they're not).

For the guilt factor, can I just say 'avoid reading anything researched by J Belsky if you're a working mom'? Because the man has an agenda, and it is "MOM STAYS HOME". Period. I mean, even in studies that show clearly that the predominant factor in a child's wellbeing is the mental state and parenting abilities of their parents, he's got the abstract stating things like, "The results indicated that although parenting was a stronger and more consistent predictor of children's development than early child-care experience, higher quality care predicted higher vocabulary scores and more exposure to center care predicted more teacher-reported externalizing problems." He's always tweaking toward the 'it has to be GOOD care, and it has to be LESS care' side in such a way that it is hard to read anything but 'wait, is my care good ENOUGH? and how long is too long?' The bigger, more important news is that the MAJOR FACTOR in our child's wellbeing is doing whatever it takes for us to be sane, functioning humans with a positive response to being around our kids - for however long we're around them each day/week. The daycare question is the minor side of it, not the major side of it.

Sigh. Anyway, the upshot is that for I think most of us, doing ANY one thing for too long at once is overwhelming. Humans aren't set up for that kind of system, I suspect. We're social, we've evolved in systems where kids did eventually clump together and parents got to go forage or hunt or farm or what-have-you, but it was some of this, and some of that, and some of the other. Part-time employment is, for me, ideal, too. 40 hour weeks stress me out, and that downgrades my parenting skills (too tired, too stressed, trying to pack too much into the rest of the available time, trying to drop as many other pleasant activities as possible to maximize the sanity and quality (and resulting in quantity) of time I spend with the kids...)... part time works much better. And part time wouldn't pay for good care if I wasn't paid the way I'm paid, and it comes with risk of unemployment for spans of time, and... more sigh.

I vote for everyone doing flex time, on a 15-35 hour/week schedule, averaged across a month instead of a week.

[attiton]

For a very long time, it seems to me, the American work ethic has placed a much higher value on the labor that happens outside the house rather than inside. While this has traditionally been true for men (meaning that, since they worked out of the house, it was their labor that was most highly valued), it is now also true for women due to the fact that they were so strongly encouraged to enter the workforce and succeed like the men had always done (and we're doing a great job, by the way).

Work inside of the house? Not so much. I also don't think that it helps that most of the jobs done around the house (washing, cleaning, sewing...) are so easily done, if not entirely replaced, by the work of machines. It gives the impression that stuff done at home "might as well be done by unthinking robots"--which doesn't reflect well on the women who have been doing these jobs.

We all know here that if this work didn't get done our society would be in a world of hurt, but that just doesn't seem to be the way American labor is valued.

Now, of course, raising a child can't be done by robots or machines, but it is still not labor out of the house and it does not bring in money (usually). Moreover, it is associated with all of those other house-bound, machine-infested jobs/chores. Thus, it seems to me that it just has not been as highly valued as other types of work.

So, in my totally inexpert opinion, we will not gain balance in this area until my original thesis changes: labor done outside the home must fall from its pedestal. All work that helps keep our society going must be valued equally.

If you are contributing, you are succeeding.

You can choose to stay at home and raise your children (mom OR dad) or you can go out into the outside workforce and contribute via your external profession. Either way, your contribution should be appreciated.

[Shannon]

I agree with what Diane said about the most useful comment being, "I'm not a get-down-on-the-floor-and-play mom." Judging from the comments, few of us are. I have one friend who is, and I always feel so inadequate compared to her. And curse the story my local news did about how to make babies smarter, which did say that the most useful thing you could do was get down on their level and play with them. Stupid slow news days.

Having worked part-time, I have to agree with Moxie that workplaces are just not there yet in terms of flextime. Now, I am just one person with one job, so just because part-time didn't work out for me and my particular job, it doesn't mean it doesn't work for anybody. But, everybody says part-time is the best of both worlds, and I feel like for me it was the worst. I got the worst assignments at work, and felt like I didn't have any real power. And at home, I never felt like I could really settle into the pace of SAHM-ness. So I went back full-time, which is the opposite of what most part-timers do, which is to quit altogether.

[Julie]

However you play with your kids is great, as long as you're doing it. And "play" to me is broadly defined as spending time each day engaging your child in meaningful conversation, sharing joy, and being silly together. If that means getting down on the floor and crashing toy cars off the Little People's garage, or pretending you are an airplane flying around the playground, or making up silly words together in the car on the way to the grocery store, or having your child pretend he/she is a worker in a restaurant and you have to load the dishwasher together, there are many ways to "play" with your children. Please moms! No more guilt!!!!!

I think Miriam has a great idea above, and would be an absolute money tree for anyone willing to put it together - organizations for moms all over the country that help them find part-time /flex-time work that involves their brains and their interests, not just a paycheck and some insurance. Oh ya, and something that will pay more than what a babysitter would cost so that it's not just a fart in the wind.

As a teacher, I feel very fortunate, because I think I get the best of all worlds. I work during the school year, but only until 3:30 or so, then have a ton of time off during the summer and vacations during the traditional school year. These past four years it's been even better because I've been a mentor teacher, so I could basically come and go as I please (even to the bathroom! Whenever I wanted!!!) and could leave as early as I wanted/needed. But that gig is over and there is a 5th grade classroom with my name on it starting this September. It will be interesting to see if I still enjoy the job after so many years off, spending time with other people's children (but hey....my kid is 2, and these kids will be 10.....the comparison feels like I will be spending all day with adults). So we'll see. The pay is not great, but it's liveable.....for me that's a sacrifice I am making so that I can be with Alex (and future kids) in the afternoons, during the summer, for vacations, etc.

My point. Um.....my point? There is no *right* way, only *your* way. And like Moxie said yesterday, there is nothing that is permanent, no decision that can't be undone. Find your path and enjoy your children.

[jrmd]

My 10 month old started at day care this week and I am also full of doubts, even though I can tell he is thriving (babbling and exploring more than EVER). But one week ago I felt like I could not get through another week home alone with him. I agree that part-time work would be a great compromise.

Will I ever feel confident in the day care facility we chose? Will I always be wondering if another would have been the "more perfect" place? Is this just the paradox of having choices?

[Nancy]

I am SO pro part-time work for everyone, at all stages at life. I still have no kids (am early 40's, awaiting adoption, slo-mo) but have been a stay-at-home-human since my early 20's, through frugal living, but it's a good frugal, I have better finances than most lifelong full-timers I know, and am not deprived of those luxuries I do want. I worked half-time at first and now have it down to 1/4 time (house and everything paid off for some time now.) I'm an nurse- that's one benefit of being in a chick-dominated profession, you're not looked down on (although actually, in recent years that's changing as everyone becomes a chronic workaholic) for being and wanting to be a part-timer.

I think part-time work would be a much more viable option in society if people didn't associate it so much with having small children. It's a great way to live, even without the kids! But it's viewed right now as an "accomodation" to families. Ironically, if it wasn't, it would be much more available to those families who really need it.

[Heather]

I have to agree with @Shannon: I went back to work part-time after my daughter was born. But instead of having a flexible, best of both worlds experience, it became an impossible experience. My employer treated me like a full-time worker with full-time workload obligations and my husband had stay-at-home mom expectations of me (that I would take care of everything at home because I only "worked" 24 hrs/wk). I ended up going back to full-time work after about 6 months because I had to make a choice to save my sanity and being a full-time SAHM was not a financial option for us. So, I agree with Moxie and Hedra that part-time work can be the perfect solution if all parties understand what that means. My husband and I have since worked out his "misunderstanding" of my obligations, but my employer's expectations remain full-time (and they denied my request to do some of my hours from home). So I am now a full-time WOHM, which has its pros and cons, as PPs have mentioned. But whenever I hear that "part-time work is perfect", I always feel compelled to share my not so perfect experience.

[lucy]

I am at home posting during a nap. I am feeing pretty elated today because Little A slept through the night for the first time in his 7 month long life. No CIO; just got there on his ownsome. Perhaps it'll all change tonight; but last night and the night before were a great boost for morale! Anyway I think its interesting what Moxie says about the next 25 years and perhaps in this significant election year (here in the US) its time as parents we started to ask how our vote and our opinions might begin to shift things. Perhaps your vote won't actually do much this year; but do you know your representatives' thoughts on maternity/paternity leave are? I know I don't. Where do they stand on subsidized day care? I just got back from Brussels where my friend pays 75 Euros as week (yes a week) for wonderful daycare for her baby. I know too many women who are frustrated and sad they have to go back to work 3 months after birth. I know a lot of women and men who would love to have some valuable part time work that alleviates the frustrations of staying at home.
Yesterday's momentous day in American history proves that change and development is possible.

[Cloud]

For those Moms who are not "get down on the floor" Moms- neither am I. My Hubby does better at that, and so does my Mom. I am still not as good as them at it, but I got to a place I feel comfortable with after reading "Playful Parenting", by Lawrence Cohen. His comment about following the giggles sort of opened my eyes to how to figure out how to play with Pumpkin. So now I can play a bit. We're still more likely to spend our together time going for walks, though.

I also wanted to add: I had a 35 hour/week flexible hour job, and I gave it up because the work wasn't what I wanted to do. Now I have a 40 hour/week job with hours just flexible enough for me, and for the most part, I'm happier. I'd love it if I could have my new job at 35 hours/week, but that's just not happening. I think they key thing is to find a balance of the right type of job, with the right sort of hours and enough pay to make it all worthwhile, and then to try to accept the trade offs you made and stop worrying about them. And that is very hard to do.

[Jac]

There is a "joke" in Big Law that switching to part-time means doing 100% of the work in 80% of the time for 80% of the pay and 10% of the respect.

The whole billable hour thing makes it really difficult for moms because there is absolutely no incentive to work more efficiently or to try and get done early to be with kids. My goal when I return to work is going to be to try to train my employers to let go of the face-time requirement. Am hoping to be able to leave each day at 4 to do pick-up and then work from home for a couple hours in the evening after my son is in bed. Hopefully, if my targets are hit they will let go of the fact that I am leaving the office 2+ hours earlier than everyone else.

[Rosemary Grace]

I'm a Brit living in California, and this week I have been seriously thinking about asking my bosses if I could switch to working 4 days a week, and eating the pay cut, because I'm also in grad school, doing an unpaid internship over the summer for the work experience. I realized that if my "official" work week were 35hrs, as it would be in Scotland, instead of 40, I'd be able to do my 8-ish hours a week of internship more easily, AND make the gym, AND keep up at home (two bedroom apartment with a helpful husband and two un-helpful cats - no kids! - not that much to manage, but I do the work of managing our home & finances, he does what I ask...and the cats cover everything in fur). I'm beginning to see yet another reason why I want to move back to the UK for the baby years when my husband and I start trying to have kids.

[midlife mommy]

Ack. I couldn't figure out how to comment yesterday. The only thing that I would have added is that I used to feel the same way. In fact, I used to think that daycare was evil, and I was really angry that my husband didn't live up to his promise to be a SAHD (I am the one with insurance, so I didn't have the option). I was lucky to have the ability to take a six month maternity leave, and I used every minute of it. I ached for my child when we did start her in daycare. I worried about all the usual things.

But after awhile, maybe at about the six month mark of being in daycare, I stopped worrying so much. It was because I saw her starting to thrive. She actually seemed to enjoy it. And, as she got older, my husband said she would run away from him after they arrived (he does the drop offs). She was gaining so much from being at this place, with these teachers who geninuinely cared, and with all of her friends.

At this point, I'm embarassed to say that I think my daughter would have been less well off had either one of us stayed home with her. They are so much more creative at the daycare than we are, and they have so many more resources for ideas. In fact, if we are blessed enough to have another one, I would be very sad if that child didn't get the same advantage.

I do surprise myself, and I wish that I could go back in time and tell the new mom me that things are going to be OK, they really are.

Anyway, as for the part-time vs. full-time thing, it comes with its own issues, especially if the person is in a higher level position. There is a lot of pressure to work more hours than agreed upon, and it tends to spill over to calls at home. Or so I've been told by my colleagues who have tried it. And, for support positions who are job sharing, there can be additional challenges (the employer expects things to be seamless, and it doesn't always work that way).

Geez, I would be happy with four tens.

[Shannon]

@Midlife Mommy, I agree that my kid is better off in daycare. I take my kid to a home daycare that is run by a mother of 6 and former RN. Each day they do a craft, read a book, sing a song, and go outside (weather permitting). There are other kids there, which my son loves. She feeds them breakfast and lunch, and has to conform to DCFS nutritional guidelines. And can I just say that she only charges $3 an hour?! And she's awesome.

[Moxie]

My dad used to own his own company, and I'd work there in the summers. A lot of the women who worked for him did 4/10, and at the time (I was 16) it didn't make much sense to me. I asked him about it and he said, "One of them came and asked and it made sense so I let them choose what worked best for them." Turned out once that one woman started, every single woman with a child in the office started doing it. I'd kill for 4/10 here.

[Charisse]

Another not-on-the-floor mommy here, just as a data point! There's a reason Mouse was grabbing for a computer mouse at 8 months. I agree too with midlife mommy--I never wanted to stay home, but after all the pressure and horror stories about daycare and how you were supposed to work only out of financial desperation, I was surprised by how fantastic daycare was. (Granted, and I count this blessing every day, the work we both do pays well enough to afford really good daycare.) I always felt that it was a big addition to her life to get to go and play with all those extra kids and grownups and toys and other languages and etc. (Her second daycare was a wonderful center fun by a cross-cultural family organization, so many of the kids and teachers were multilingual and it was a very cool mixed environment.)

On FT vs. PT, I'm certainly way happier working 28 hours/week at a job I love than I was working 40 at a job I didn't love...it leaves me a day to do errands, exercise, write (well, that's the theory, it happens 1/2 the time anyway) and that helps my mental health immensely. But it's the loving the job part that matters...and that having been the expectation since I started with this company. And the partner with the reasonable job helps too--Mr. C works fulltime (plus a bit--it's a startup) but in contrast to a year ago he works in our town, so there's not the additional 2-3 hours of commute per day. The amount your partner works/commutes can have such a huge effect on how stressful it is to either work or stay home IMO.

I know folks have mentioned great flexible jobs as nurses and tech writers (hedra, right?) and I'll just add that being a user experience researcher (that's me) is another one--there's a lot of contract work and a lot of small, flexible companies like the one I work for, and it's a growing field. Would love to hear of other examples!

[Joy]

Okay, I'm a getdownonthefloorandplay kind of mom. I'm not from another planet!! (LOL) I wonder why we feel we need to categorize ourselves into types, or follow certain 'mommy models'. Sometimes I feel like the moms in business clothes who've just come from work sitting on the park benches watching their kids play are looking at me in my play clothes chasing my kids through holes in the playground equipment that were not meant for adults to squeeze through are wondering how little self- respect I really do have.

As Julie above said, "However you play with your kids is great, as long as you're doing it." No more guilt, no more judging.

And as long as we're on the subject of childcare, working part time, and lack of respect, it's hard to have a college education in Theatrical Design from a fairly prestigious Performing Arts school and speak 2 languages and, when people ask you what you do, you tell them you babysit for a living. Sometimes, there's tons of respect and a 'how do you do it!!', but sometimes it's 'oh, I see.'
Yeah, sorry for the run- on sentences.

[Dana]

I am a "get on the floor and play" mom. And MY mom was not. So SHE thinks I am from a different planet. And often times, I think she's right. I don't seem to mesh well with what the Today show says is "today's modern mom."

And, quite frankly, I didn't have a ton of passion for my job/ career when I WAS working. Sometimes I feel like a failure because of that and am somewhat embarrassed to admit my lack of professional drive. I mean, I did ok at my job, got a few accolades, bonuses, etc., but I felt like I was floundering around. Like my talents just didn't jive with what I was doing. It was awful- especially when my friends were so into their careers. I felt most ALIVE when I was working as a nanny during college, but HELLO- you don't work three jobs to put yourself through school to take care of someone else's child for 11 bucks an hour.

So now I am a SAHM. And I love it. And I have no desire to go back to work. Or school. For the forseeable future. But even though it works for our family situation, I still feel some guilt/ pressure from others that I don't have a great career option. Let's face it, I wasn't a senior level VP by any stretch of the imagination when I left. More like a rung or two up from the very bottom. So, I don't hang around those people anymore that keep asking me *when* I am going back to work or if I feel like I am *wasting* my college education by "sitting home and eating bon bons." HA! I don't talk to THAT person ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! (maybe I should tell her why?)

I completely agree with Julie's comment from this morning, that "There is no *right* way, only *your* way." If only we could all just accept and embrace our own ways and not fall prey to outside pressures that tell us we are wrong. If only...

[Laura]

I really liked what Moxie said about no situation being perfect. I also agree with earlier comments about part-time work not always being the best choice, for the same reasons stated above. I feel like I have a great set-up: salaried part-time work in my chosen career, flex-time, benefits, paid vacation, and a supportive work environment. I have outstanding day care. I feel like there isn't anything else I could ask for, but it's STILL hard. Some things just don't scale back to part-time (email, meetings, trainings, conferences, travel, etc.). I can't do many of the social after-work things because I have to get home with the kids. On the mom side of things, I have SAHM-level expectations for myself that are constantly left unfulfilled. Too many irons in the fire. I have this fantasy that if I was at home full-time I would always cook healthy meals, the house would get clean, and I'd be caught up on "the list." I know that's crazy (my SAHM friends assure me that you can never finish "the list") but I still wonder if I am just short-changing both work and my kids and if I would be better off putting the bulk of my energy toward one or the other.

Somewhat tangentially, what do part-timers do for child care in the summer? My oldest is school age now and this is driving me crazy. I can only find full-time camps, and it's been a challenge to find a good part-time sitter for just the summer. I work part-time so that I can actually spend some time with him in the summers. I hate to have him in camp all day, every day. Ideas?

[Ruta]

Ooh Laura - I have those same fantasies about getting "the list" done while also cooking healthy meals, organizing the house, and starting an organic garden...
After my 13 week maternity leave (which I used all sick and vacation time to fund - thank god I had it, but would it kill the state of NC to give some paid maternity leave?), I went back to work 75% time - 3, 10-hr days. As others have said, I was doing full-time work for part-time pay, but it was worth it because it gave me extra time with my kid. In May I started a bunch of new projects and went up to 100% time - 4, 10-hr days... It is good, but not perfect - now that I'm 100% I get calls/emails more often than not on the day I'm not working, and it is exhausting (and annoying) after you've worked 4 10s.

Interestingly, because of gas prices and the distance many of the employees in my office have to drive to get to work, the administration is now offering 4 10s to all employees to help soften the financial blow and not lose workers. It will be interesting to see if it shifts long-term attitudes towards flex-time...

[Wendy]

I work part time(3 days a week) and I'm very happy with it. I asked to be paid hourly so that if they tried to get me to work more, they would have to pay me more. I get some benefits--vacation and sick time, but no paid holidays and no health benefits.

My son is thriving with two different babysitters. But this will all end soon, as I'm due at the end of July and can't afford to give my babysitters a raise(and can't ask them to care for 2 kids for the price of one). I don't feel comfortable with a day care center for a newborn and I can't find any licensed day care homes in my area. As it is, I'm barely making a small profit after paying for child care, the dog walker and taxes. I've also reached my salary cap at work so I'll never get another raise.

I'm kind of terrified to stay at home because I think I'll lose my mind. Not that my job is so stimulating or fulfilling, but it's time in the adult world, it's not difficult and it's a break from constant child care. I'm really worried that my parenting will take a nose dive when I don't get much of a break. My husband is often gone from home 12-13 hours a day.

It's good to be reminded that nothing is forever. Part of me thinks that I should just stay at home until my youngest is in school but I'm trying to convince myself that I can look for a part time gig when the baby is a year or so and I would be more comfortable with a day care center.

I know I'm lucky to have the choices I do have, but even with all the privileges I have, it still feels difficult to make it work.

[Diane]

@Joy and Dana: I hope you guys aren't offended about the "get on the floor and play" 'label' as it were. I promise I meant no offense with my comments, because it's a skill that I wish I had. That isn't to say that I don't ever get down on the floor and play with my daughter, but I find it very hard to put my all into it. I do much better with reading her stories and teaching her about how things work.

I don't really feel as though this is some huge division between women, because I think it goes in ranges. I'm probably 30% - down on the floor, 70% - go about the day narrative style. I would suspect everyone falls somewhere on this little sliding scale. I just have to disagree with this being another way we label one another, because I'd never even thought about it before Moxie said something. I just felt like I was a lousy mom because I couldn't get into stacking the same 6 blocks for 40 minutes at a time.

Sometimes I think, as a SAHM, it is hard to be in that "play on the floor" role, because you are with your child for so many hours in a row. My husband comes home from work and chases her around and they go do all sorts of things outside together, and I get to feeling like she'd be so much better off if he were the one staying at home. But then I have to remind myself that Daddy and her uncle and her grandma don't spend as much time with her. If I had to count up all the "get down on the floor and play" hours I have over the week, in comparison they probably aren't that different. It's just that mine have to have all sorts of other stuff stuck in between.

Sorry for the long rambling post! In short, I don't think the floor-playing moms are really from another planet, they are working with a different skill-set, and that's just something I chalk up to us all being individuals. None better, none worse, just all moms doing the best we can.

[Michelle]

I'm another part timer (3 days per week). In some ways this is the ideal schedule. My company has always been in favor of part timers because they realized it means you pay people less. We are in consulting and most of our hours are directly billed to clients. At one point, when work was slow, my office put everyone on 30-hours weeks rather than lay people off. Many of them (men and women by the way) kept working 30 hours even when business picked up.

Part time does have drawbacks. I don't feel like I fit in with the SAHMs -- my SAHM friends keep scheduling outings on days I work and then never want to do things on weekends. My husband works long hours and travels so I do 100% of the house and child-related work.

I also have pretty much mommy-tracked myself at work. My career is stagnant at this point and I'm working for the paycheck and to keep myself current (and so I get a break from parenting), which is too bad because at one point I was very excited by it. Even 24 hours a week is a lot of time to spend on something that is just a job.

[paola]

Problem here in Italy is if you want a pension when you're 60 (62, 65, 67, whatever the age will be when I'm there)you have to work. You need to have worked 15 years for the minumum pension (around €500 per month)and 35 years for a full pension (approximately 80% of wage at retirement age) and if you SAH you get sweet FA- which is basically what i'll be getting and I've been working over 20 years but only 5 of those years are recognised here in Italy. This is not going to change in the next 25 years. In fact it will only get worse. The minumum number of years you need to work will probably keep going up and so I I will just have to resign myself to the fact that I will never have my OWN pension (even though my hubby will have a decent one and if all goes well, WE should live quite comfortably). As for working part time, well every woman I know aspires to it, but I know only 0NE woman who has been lucky enough to do it and then it has a heavy impact on your future pension so most women say 'forget it'. As for men working part time here in Italy.....hahahahahaha. Sorry the thought of it just made me break into hysterics. Perhaps at the very best, one day in the distant future, dh may be able to telework a couple of days a week. But I can't see this happenieng in my life-time.

[meggiemoo]

Like many of the PP, I had no choice but to return to work after a 4-month maternity leave (and was happy to have the 4 months). I didn't really enjoy my maternity leave, and was happy to return to work, but I feel differently now that my DS is a toddler. When he was an infant, he was colicky and never slept and I feel totally isolated. Now I wish I could stay home with him because he is so damn interesting and fun.

I don't regret having him in daycare, because I do think he has benefitted from the experience, but I also think that if I could stay home, I'd be a kick-ass SAHM. Yeah, I know, the grass is always greener.

[Kelly]

When I read the original post I got really depressed. I've never had any problems feeling guilty about putting my kids in daycare. It wasn't just because I have a fantastic daycare, and it was even though they were in daycare so that I could work at a job I hate(d). I like them not being with me twenty-four hours a day, especially now that the older two are four and five and wallop the bejeezus out of each other at every possible opportunity. So here I am thinking 'I don't cry my eyes out and feel horrible when I drop them off I'm an awful mother' and I didn't even bother to read the comments. Thank goodness for today's post.
I mean I love my kids dearly, but I'm glad to be rid of them from time to time be it at the nanny's or in front of the tv. I guess I'm normal!

[Laura]

I skipped reading the comments to the original post, too, because I felt so guilty about NOT feeling terribly guilty about leaving my baby at daycare. And he's only six months old. I spent the first five months with him twenty-four-seven (I don't have family to help out, and my husband is, uh, hands-off). I really needed a break by the time I returned to work last month, even though I don't like the job and work only for the salary and benefits. It's a good daycare with very caring staff. And he enjoys hanging out with the other babies.

[Amanda]

I am also a SAHM and also not a get down on the floor and play kind of mom, and I do feel really guilty about it. I think the problem is, as Diane said, when you're at home with them all day everyday, it can be hard to come up with stuff all the time.

My guilt I think comes from the fact that I know two moms who work full time and when they see their kids it's super happy fantastic enthusiastic time all the time because they don't see them very often. I only see these people when they have time off work, and therefore have their kids in tow, and therefore are super happy fantastic moms. Meanwhile, I'm dragging, haggard and covered in god knows what.

And I do feel bad for my little guy because I worry I'm stunting his brain power when he's just on the floor playing with trucks and I'm washing dishes having almost no interaction with him.

As for the working thing; I did go back to work part time when the little guy was 5 months old, and I really enjoyed my time away from home, it was a huge break for me. I had to quit due to my husband's work almost a year ago now and I do now have the opportunity to go back to work and wonder if I really even want to.

Anyway, I guess I don't really have a main point, other than to vent my guilt and frustration (which is piling up big time the past couple of days with moving, teething, fevers, arguing with the hubby, you know the usual stuff...). I hope Julie can figure something out. For what it's worth, my husband, kid and I have been living on a grad student "salary" for 5 years now and we've made it work so you can live on teeny amounts of money and still not starve.

[Julie]

Kelly, isn't it in the Aames and Ilg (sp? I don't have it in front of me) "Your Three Year Old - Friend or Enemy?" book that says specifically to the (assumed SAH) mother, "Hire a babysitter as much as possible."

There should be no guilt in enjoying your time away from the little ones.

[Dana]

@Diane- no offense taken at all. I find it interesting that you can feel like a lousy mom b/c you don't like to stack blocks and I can feel like a lousy woman b/c I don't want a career. Sounds like we are all measuring ourselves up against different sticks, and none of them seem to be a accurate.

[Amy]

I totally agree about the part-time thing. I am a full time college professor... but quite frankly my work schedule sounds like a part-timer. I only teach two days a week (though I have to be on campus 4 days a week), it's very flexible on my non-teaching days, weeks off at Christmas and summer... my commute is looong, but I'm able to be the one to drop everyone off in the morning when their school starts and pick them up when their school ends at 3pm, and this past semester baby was only in daycare about 20 hours a week. (Am I the only one who calculates in her head how many hours the child was in daycare so I can make sure that I'm still on the winning side of the hours-spent-with-parents vs. caretaker wars?)

I've been home with the baby for the past three weeks while waiting for my summer school gig to start and I have to agree with you... I *want* to be one of those super-active SAHMs, but I'm not (though I think I was better when I was a SAHM with #1 and #2). I'm just a happier mommy when I haven't been chasing a 1 yr old around all day while trying to do all the other household things SAHMs have to do. I would love to want to be home with him 24/7 because I felt very strongly about being home with the first two and was very thankful that I could do that. But I just don't want to be home with him all day long... and I carry a lot of guilt about that. The baby, however, thrives despite my guilt and my working. So...

I'm also with you on being anxious to see how all this plays out when our kids are grown. I wonder if my daughter (or sons!) will roll her/their eyes when I talk about how I struggled with staying home or working and all the guilt involved.

[hedra]

Actually, what I see of the 'getdownonthefloor' moms is

a) They tend to have an affinity for whatever age their child is at when they're in the down-on-the-floor mode (and the age affinity has different ranges, too - some really don't start until older, so you don't see the physical down on the floor thing as much) - regardless, at this moment in time, they 'GET' this age, and what is fun at this age, and can easily drop into that state of being. It's a joining in thing (in part).

b) skills, baby, plus experience. I don't think I was a get down on the floor WITH me *kid*, either. I didn't LIKE playing games, cards, or having someone color with me. I wanted to do them by myself. I found other people to be an intrusion into my methods, especially adults. With other kids I was bossy as hell. And I can recall instructing a group of six kids in EXACTLY how they should play, what roles, what they could say and do... yeesh. Maybe I would end up being either too bossy, or having a hard time with my kids being bossy... wasn't much flexibility on that one. I was leader, or I was playing solo, period. (Yeah, and no skills for being friends, either, go figure! LOL!)

c) Ditto on the proportion/range/spectrum thing. I'm pretty good at being crawled over by 6-9 month olds, and I swear I didn't sit on the sofa except sometimes to nurse them when the twins were in that age range. It was stand or on the floor. That said, I rapidly drop back from that point into 'read to, narrate life, and explore the natural world' zone. I can follow in those spaces, interact fluidly in those spaces, without it being torturous (for either party).

And Joy, the slightly pained expression on the faces of the professional women sitting on the park benches is as likely to be 'I wish I could do that, and I don't know how she does' as wondering about your self-respect. Case in point, it takes me a lot of placing myself in a black box mentally to be able to do what I WANT to do sometimes out in public. Like, I want to be the woman up at the stage, dancing with her kids and being silly and not caring what anyone thinks. And I have to kind of pretend that nobody can see me to be able to do it, and even then it is constant effort to not glance around and check to see if anyone is looking at me funny, and even if I succeed at THAT, I have a compulsion to check in with DH to see if I looked like an idiot (oy!). I at least am sure that any funny looks are more about them than me, but... well, I was horribly embarassed at times by my mom being SO MUCH a get-down-on-the-floor mom, and utterly unconcerned with her dignity if there was fun to be had - she's always been great at the down on the floor thing, at least before the arthritis kicked in.

I still have to work to find a balance that suits my kids (and it's challenging since they each have different level-sets for how much silly is *allowed* in public, and how much down-on-the-floor is right for them, and ... I'm playing by four different sets of needs plus my own every day.)

Anyway, I'll be one mom who is watching you in your play clothes saying 'wow, she's having so much fun!' and feeling a little wistful that I can't be the *best* mom at everything, even if I do things 'my way' pretty well. (I feel the same about parents who volunteer in class - no, I can't really do that effectively even with my job, and I'm not really drawn to doing it all that much - would rather do a class presentation on Scotland or teach Chinese calligraphy to the art class - but MAN, it's cool that some moms can do that and love it and it's important and valuable and I sure hope their kids understand and appreciate it...)

[Cloud]

@Amanda- I'm sure you are not stunting your little boy's mental development! It is not like our babies in day care are getting non-stop developmental activities, either. The day care workers have to do things like change diapers and wipe snotty noses and the like. Besides, kids need a little time to play on their own.

I'm a WOHM, and I can tell you that I don't always feel like the super fantastic happy Mom when I'm with my baby, and neither do any of my (also WOHM) friends. Your friends are probably looking at you and feeling guilty about how their life is set up, too. If it helps, I'll tell you that I am currently feeling guilty about the number of days I send chicken nuggets to day care for Pumpkin's lunch and the fact that I don't have time to come up with better lunch ideas and then try them out on her and see if she'll actually eat them.

Anyway, stop feeling guilty (if you can). Go back to work if it works for you, don't if you'd rather stay at home and can swing that. I think either way, you'll be a great mother to your baby. There are so many ways to be a great mother, and it is too bad that most of us spend so much time feeling guilty about that greener grass on the other side of the mothering fence, rather than patting ourselves on the back for being so awesome in our own way.

[Amy]

@Amanda--About those working moms who seem like super moms... 2 things:

1) Sometimes I do feel like super mom when I haven't been with the kids all day and it's a lovely Friday afternoon (so no homework for the big ones) and I happily truck everyone off to the zoo to tromp around until it closes. We smile and laugh and play--all of us genuinely enjoying the time together. I'm only able to devote this energy to them b/c I haven't been devoting it to them 24/7 all week long. Sure, I went to the zoo a lot as a SAHM, but that was to give us all something to do. I didn't enjoy it as I do now. My point is that when I'm not with my kids all day it is easier to have fun doing the "fun things".

2)Lots of the super mom mentality also comes from the super guilt WOHMs tend to carry. I've done all sorts of crazy things despite being bone tired to make up for all the things I can't do as a WOHM. So, those WOHMs might *look* like super moms and be super cheerful with their super happy children... but there also might be a lot of super guilt behind the activity.

It's all a lose-lose situation. I felt guilty when I stayed at home that I wasn't using my degree and would never catch up to all my female friends who were getting tenure and publishing and doing all that (to me) cool stuff. But now that I have that faculty job, I feel guilty that I'm not at home with this third baby.

[hedra]

@Amanda, I was reading study abstracts about working and parenthood and attachment (and stuff- the conversation got me wondering), and found an interesting study that was trying to see if 'direct/focussed interaction time' was a factor in attachment function and whether that differed between SAHM and WOHMs.

What they found was a) the amount of happy-happy-joy-joy-intensive face time part wasn't strongly correlated to the attachment (nor was the intermittent/less-intense/more-frequent-for-shorter-spans face time of staying home - Face time didn't account for the attachment function), and b) the amount of actual total engagement was pretty nearly even no matter how many hours a mom worked, or didn't work. The working moms just changed the rest of their lives around to maximize the amount of time spent with their kids in direct interaction. It seems almost like there was a set amount that was functional, and both types of approaches found a way to meet the numbers - just one was longer-term off-and-on engagement, and the other was delayed-but-extended/intense engagement. So the 'they see me dragging around and I see them all joyful' is both an accurate picture (you've spotted the same behavior they saw in research) and an interesting question of perspectives (though I'll say that I always assume that SAHMs have the right to look dragged out and spat up upon, they EARNED IT).

I didn't find a full text version of the study (just abstract), but it was fascinating nonetheless...

[scotti]

I'm in the process of leaving my full-time job to stay home with my 2 year old. When I came back from four months of maternity leave, I worked 32 hours per week - which was great. But once my FMLA timeline ended on his first birthday - it was back to 40 hours.
We tried to flex things as much as possible within a constricting system, but it just felt like I was working too much and it was taxing my whole family.

I never pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom but it just felt like the right time for our family. It helps that my husband is doing well in his job right now. And I'm planning to find some part-time pieces to put together here and there.

It was a difficult decision though and one that took a lot of time and therapy to figure out. I encourage anyone struggling with these kinds of issues to consider talking to someone about it!

[ada]

I work full time outside of the home. My 9 mo old stay at home right now with my mother. He will start daycare this fall, right after his first birthday.

I spent a YEAR looking for a daycare that I really liked and had an opening. It took longer to find childcare than it did to create the child! But it was worth it b/c I feel comfortable with the daycare my son will be going to.

And I keep this all in perspective by remembering my own childhood. I went to daycare when I was just 6 weeks old. I stopped going to daycare when I was about 10, and then I just stayed home alone as a latch key kid. Things have changed now, I'm not sure my mom would do that in this day & age, but that's beside the point.

My mom was the breadwinner. There was no other option. But she made damn sure to find quality care for me. And I LOVED daycare. And I never, ever, in my whole entire life have felt as if I missed out by being in daycare. And its because my mom really focused on us and the family when she was home. She gave up a lot of other things because we were her priority. And I am a better woman for it today.

Nobody stresses out about sending their kids to school and the quality of care they are getting at school. Well maybe they do but not in the same way as daycare. So I remind myself that when I start to get anxious about the daycare situation. Because I do get anxious. Our DCP provider is great, but she's not my mother - the best option when it can't be me. But its the *quality* of care that matters. And I'm comfortable with what we have.

[Melba]

I'm really enjoying this topic and reading all the comments! It's so timely for me right now and its great to see the support here. Cloud in particular you've really given me perspective on this. Thanks.

I agree with several PP's that part time work would probably be the best solution for me to have the right kind of balance in my life. BUT... the nature of my career is such that a part time job just wouldn't work. I'm a manager with both direct and indirect reports... how do you mentor and supervise people if you aren't there but they are? It just doesn't work. I'd have to do a career change that doesn't involve having people work for me. Which 9 times out of 10 means a demotion which means less pay.

It's a dilemma but if I had to pick full time SAHM versus full time WOHM I pick WOHM for both the income reasons and also for the sanity and balance reasons.

I go back in 2 weeks and I'm so nervous but I think its the right thing for me. I really lucked out with the daycare I got into as well... I was (still am) on 10 or so waiting lists and my #1 choice is the only one that found a spot for me. And I do feel comfortable with the care she'll be getting there, that's not an issue.

And yes we are very lucky to get a full year maternity leave here... I was not at all ready to go back to work when Munchkin was 3 months old or even 6 months. I started feeling the pull to go back at about 9 months old, which is when Munchkin really started to become more independent and coincidentally is when I started to really miss the culture of my workplace. And I know that being a SAHM doesn't have to mean that your brain turns to noodles from lack of use but for me it seems like that's what's happening. Just my personality I guess... I am undeniably left brained, maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. I just need to solve a problem and strategize. With adults. About technical businessy things.

[AMY]

I just wanted to add a question to the mix -- could the peaks and valleys of "daycare guilt" be at all related to post-partum hormone fluctuations? My mother has been taking some doula coursework, and has read some really interesting studies on hormone fluctuation in mothers well past 3, ,6 even 12 months. I've seen a trend among my mother friends -- an intense need to be with their children at 10 and 18 months. I have NO idea if this means anything, but I DO know that I have gone through various intensities of guilt and worry and crying about being apart from my child, and they FEEL hormonal in nature in retrospect. (When I have intense bouts of crying, I puase to consider the hormonal possibilities). Or -- maybe it even has to do with especially cute, wonderful phases, when they are charming, amusing, brilliant little angels rather than stubborn, cranky little things.

I have been where Julie is. I still am, in that I am not at all satisfied with my professional life, and I don't at all feel like I'm doing my best work as a mother, either. Both sides of me are getting short shrift. I'm exhausted running at both.

If I have any advice, though, it's to say that sometimes, these phases of intense longing for being physically present with your child fade away. And then peak again. And if Julie's son seems to be thriving, and she's really uncertain about uprooting her family's life and lifestyle, she could ride it out for a few months to see if her perspective shifts. Meanwhile, she should make sure she's taking care of herself physically, and whatever she can do via nutrition/exercise/mental exercises to keep her emotional health balanced, just to see if that informs her feelings about the whole thing.

[Suzie]

I absolutely loved your comments Moxie. I think it is so important to recognise the many individuals that make up womanhood. I try to be a Mum who plays - and I manage it in about 20 minute bursts. But it does do my head in and I find it very challenging. And I enjoy my time too.

i wanted to post as I am reading a book 'Manhood' by Stephen Biddulph. He is an Australian author - I am not sure how widely he is read - anyone out there read this? And it is eye opening in the thought of what men need - for themselves and as parents. And I think their presence in child development is so important and under accessed as they are working, generally, full-time. It is so hard to tune from work to parenting and so often needs to be immediate when they only get a short time of wakeful hours with their children (when they are already tired from work) - and I know you working Mums know what I'm taking about there - it is in no way different for you. I guess I mention it because I hope the future will reinvigorate every part of the family unit. And one of the greatest gifts feminism could bestow upon fathers is to encourage them to evaluate their own place in the world.

[stacy]

"I hope the future will reinvigorate every part of the family unit"
@Suzie: that's a great way to put it!

My head just goes round and round with this one. In theory, part-time sounds perfect...but the few women I know who have the education, status, and clout to organize part-time work aren't any happier than the rest of us. As my friend put it the other day, "I feel like I can never give 100% to any one thing. Like I'm always just treading water at work and at home both." Well, we all feel that way, I think. Even those of us who "just" SAH do a lot of treading water. But it's easy to tell ourselves that we wouldn't feel so overwhelmed, if only we worked part-time :)

We aren't living the way humans evolved to live. I love modern life - love it - and since we're living longer than ever, we're apparently doing some things very right. But we weren't really designed for this. We were designed to have a close tribe around us to help with childcare, we were designed to move all the time rather than sit in a cubicle or on the floor with our babies, we were designed to care more about our kin than our "purpose" in life. I don't see how anything can get better until we start acknowledging some of this stuff.

But how can we? The person who works 80 hours a week is ALWAYS going to have more status than the person who works 20. I'm okay with that, it's natural, but the 20 hour staffer loses so much in the bargain. Pay, respect, advancement opportunities, relative earning power...

If we had more fathers as well as mothers, and child-free people and everyone opting to work less, the balance might get shifted. But I have trouble imagining it.

Still, at least we're acknowledging it and making steps in that direction. Better than 20 years ago.

[Melba]

@stacy you nailed it with your comment "If we had more fathers as well as mothers, and child-free people and everyone opting to work less, the balance might get shifted".

As long as its just mom's opting to work less, the reduced-hour-working-mom will always lose out on future opportunity and earning potential. But if everyone, male, female, parents, not parents, EVERYONE demanded a 25 hour work week, then that would be the norm. But unfortunately we're going the other way with this workaholic syndrome going on. What's with people? Why don't they just say NO, I'm not willing to give that much of my time to my work because that puts my life too far out of balance. We're not living in the industrial revolution or the great depression for crying out loud. Why does our society insist we work so hard? Why is 40 hours a week the minimum to be considered "full time"?

[paola]

@Melba,

I don't know the situation in the States/Canada, but here in Italy it is just so difficult to get a job that will give you some kind of security (by this I mean not get sacked after a year or allow you to get a mortgage so you can buy a house.) So basically you break your butt every day and stay back late so that your boss sees you are breaking it. Because if someone has to go, it is always the one who leaves right on 5.00 or the part-time mum who has to run to pick up the kids from day-care or stays home that little bit too much to look after her sick kids. Honestly, Northern Italians work as insanely as the Japanese ( and I'm not just saying that. I lived in Japan for 3 years and I know for a fact that here in Italy they work equally long hours)and it is because they are afraid that if they lose their job they won't find anything else.

[Melba]

@paola, I didn't realize it was like that in Italy! In Canada right now there are way way WAY more jobs than there are people. And that is at all levels, from totally unskilled right through to professionals and management/executive. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that there are so many baby boomers retiring right now (and over the next 10 years) combined with the fact that we have a booming economy. Not all of Canada is booming, but I'm here in Alberta where the economy is at record highs. So as a result, working conditions are at the hands of the employee, not the employer. It is really hard to keep good employees because the place down the street might have better pay or benefits or less hours.

People around here are being paid unreal wages for the work being done. When I had my first job at 15, which was 16 years ago, I made $5.00/hour which was minimum wage. I don't even know what minimum wage is now and frankly it doesn't matter because no one will work for it. McDonalds pays its unskilled 15 year olds over $15/hour. My 20 year old sister, who's a college student, makes $18/hour as a barrista at a coffee shop part time.

It's interesting though to see the differences in attitudes in the workplace. Those of us who were in the workforce back when finding a job was impossible and you were lucky to not get let go tend to be the ones who end up working longer hours and giving more of ourselves to the company. The young ones (have you hear the term "millenials"? That's what they're calling the early-20's crowd) leave at 4:30, never work overtime, and demand a high salary. If you can't give that to them, they quit. And they are employed the next day by someone who will give them whatever they want.

[sheSaid]

I don't believe that a house can be run with both adults working 40 hrs. I just don't think it can be done, and have everyone happy and not exhausted all of the time.

Also I do think that part-time is perfect or at least more ideal, HOWEVER I think that finding a gig that allows that can be really hard. I know the times that I have worked part-time I have been considered sub-employee, not important, not able to have power, success, or move up. That is wrong.

I refuse to settle for the options available right now. Either work 40 hrs+ and have a career, and no life, or don't work or work part-time and be denied success in that way. I don't think it is fair to woman to mom's nor do I think it is fair to men and fathers. Do I think we can change those options? I don't know if the culture will change. But I know that I refuse to settle. I also refuse to feel GUILTY for it. I refuse to feel guilty for not wanting to work 'full-time' and I also wont feel guilty for having my son in daycare part-time. He just started 3 days a week and we are all so much happier. He is less bored I feel human again and can enjoy his company.

Now I just need some work!

[Ladygodiva]

I was able to stay at home for a while since CA is one of two states that has paid maternity leave. My husband was also able to be paid for up to 6 weeks. The pay is at about 50% of your salary several quarters ago, so its not perfect, but wow. It was really cool to be able to do that, and its really sad that the US is so resistant to the idea. So much for family friendly politics.

I work as a tutor for at risk kids. This meant that I could take my son with me while he was small - before he got mobile. It worked out great. I still often take him with me, and use a babysitter (usually a student, and I give them a break on their fees). Its quite flexible, though not highly paid.

Since he got more mobile, I have mostly been staying at home and taking full time classes. I work maybe 12 hours a week. I hate being at home. Sometimes I feel really guilty about how much I hate it. But there you are. I didn't see any other posters saying that, so *sigh*.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. But the stay at home thing, just doesn't work for me. And it doesn't help that I have a very social child that craves interaction. But we just can't afford child care while I am in school.

Everyone that I have said I hate staying home to, gives me an attitude -- well why did you have a kid then? Well, I do very well with kids. I worked in daycare, I work with kids through grade 12. But the expectations of house work and childcare and school, etc. Are just too much.

I don't really have a solution. I do think that things woudl be better if I weren't trying to do 3 full time jobs. But there you go. Life happens. And its only for a while.

On the plus side, I have been able to cloth diaper, recycle, teach him ASL, and periodically I even mop the kitchen floor.

LOL ~shrug~

Most days though, I'd go back to 40 hrs a week in a heartbeat.

[Girl Jen]

This is, by far, the most helpful post I've ever read on this site.

I am a "get down on the floor and play" (and climb around on the playground, and run around playing tag in the doctor's office, etc.) mom.

I am also a full-time working mom. I am an ambulance dispatcher, I work 12-hour shifts and have three days off a week. I love my job. I pick up overtime for fun. Like Ladygodiva above me, I hate being at home.

I would much rather have a few really good, fun hours with Liz a day; than spend all day watching the clock, waiting for the time to pass so I can put her to bed.