Ask Moxie: Q&A: not wanting someone else to be with your baby all day

To be totally honest, I am back at work because the thought of staying home all the time totally terrifies me. I love my job (freelance writing), and I enjoy the lifestyle we are able to have with two incomes -- not luxurious by any means, but we're able to go out for pizza every couple weeks without thinking about it.

The thing that makes all of this work for my family is that we were lucky to find a daycare provider we absolutely adore. I feel as though she and her partner are our collaborators in parenting. The facility--in a private home, although it's a licensed facility--is 2 blocks from our house, and my girl LOVES going there. Without all of those factors, I honestly don't know if I'd be content to work the 4 days a week I do.

One thing that has greatly helped us throughout this process (she started daycare at 8 months and is now 2 y.o.) is being willing to tweak things. We felt, for example, that evenings were rushed and kind of miserable between the transition back to home and the rush to get dinner made and to bed on time. So we pushed pickup back an hour (I just work a little bit after she goes to bed if I need to). That extra hour has made all the difference in the world -- we have time to play or go to the park or paint outside, and then when it's time to make dinner my girl is (most days) willing to putter around on her own.

I'm not sure if this helps Julie or not... I will say, though, that I'm working on really listening to myself when I talk about my life, and trying to hear what I'm saying. For a long time when someone asked me how I was, I'd say, things are awesome, I'm doing one too many things but it's great. Umm, yeah-- one too many things. It took me a long time to actually *hear* what I was saying, but I've since started shedding some obligations. Perhaps that practice might help you discern what you truly want, and get you on the path toward figuring out how to get it... Best of luck!!

Posted by: michaela | June 04, 2008 at 08:25 AM

To be totally honest, I am back at work because the thought of staying home all the time totally terrifies me. I love my job (freelance writing), and I enjoy the lifestyle we are able to have with two incomes -- not luxurious by any means, but we're able to go out for pizza every couple weeks without thinking about it.

The thing that makes all of this work for my family is that we were lucky to find a daycare provider we absolutely adore. I feel as though she and her partner are our collaborators in parenting. The facility--in a private home, although it's a licensed facility--is 2 blocks from our house, and my girl LOVES going there. Without all of those factors, I honestly don't know if I'd be content to work the 4 days a week I do.

One thing that has greatly helped us throughout this process (she started daycare at 8 months and is now 2 y.o.) is being willing to tweak things. We felt, for example, that evenings were rushed and kind of miserable between the transition back to home and the rush to get dinner made and to bed on time. So we pushed pickup back an hour (I just work a little bit after she goes to bed if I need to). That extra hour has made all the difference in the world -- we have time to play or go to the park or paint outside, and then when it's time to make dinner my girl is (most days) willing to putter around on her own.

I'm not sure if this helps Julie or not... I will say, though, that I'm working on really listening to myself when I talk about my life, and trying to hear what I'm saying. For a long time when someone asked me how I was, I'd say, things are awesome, I'm doing one too many things but it's great. Umm, yeah-- one too many things. It took me a long time to actually *hear* what I was saying, but I've since started shedding some obligations. Perhaps that practice might help you discern what you truly want, and get you on the path toward figuring out how to get it... Best of luck!!

Posted by: michaela | June 04, 2008 at 08:25 AM

To be totally honest, I am back at work because the thought of staying home all the time totally terrifies me. I love my job (freelance writing), and I enjoy the lifestyle we are able to have with two incomes -- not luxurious by any means, but we're able to go out for pizza every couple weeks without thinking about it.

The thing that makes all of this work for my family is that we were lucky to find a daycare provider we absolutely adore. I feel as though she and her partner are our collaborators in parenting. The facility--in a private home, although it's a licensed facility--is 2 blocks from our house, and my girl LOVES going there. Without all of those factors, I honestly don't know if I'd be content to work the 4 days a week I do.

One thing that has greatly helped us throughout this process (she started daycare at 8 months and is now 2 y.o.) is being willing to tweak things. We felt, for example, that evenings were rushed and kind of miserable between the transition back to home and the rush to get dinner made and to bed on time. So we pushed pickup back an hour (I just work a little bit after she goes to bed if I need to). That extra hour has made all the difference in the world -- we have time to play or go to the park or paint outside, and then when it's time to make dinner my girl is (most days) willing to putter around on her own.

I'm not sure if this helps Julie or not... I will say, though, that I'm working on really listening to myself when I talk about my life, and trying to hear what I'm saying. For a long time when someone asked me how I was, I'd say, things are awesome, I'm doing one too many things but it's great. Umm, yeah-- one too many things. It took me a long time to actually *hear* what I was saying, but I've since started shedding some obligations. Perhaps that practice might help you discern what you truly want, and get you on the path toward figuring out how to get it... Best of luck!!

Posted by: michaela | June 04, 2008 at 08:25 AM

ack, stupid typepad! sorry.

Posted by: michaela | June 04, 2008 at 08:26 AM

Mox, I had to delete the extra "askmoxie" in the URL (the one that came after the .org/) in order to see this to post.

I am also wondering, if the daycare situation seems totally cool and on the up-and-up - should a talk with the doctor be in order? It just doesn't seem like this level of anxiety should be present in a situation like this.

Posted by: casey | June 04, 2008 at 09:21 AM

1. When you were thinking about becoming a mother, did you always envision yourself as a SAHM? Or, thinking about last week's discussion, is there something about how you were raised that makes you wish you were home more?

2. For me, after baby #1 was born, I did not feel ready to go back to work until she was about 8 months old - then I had a lot of confidence in her ability to speak up for herself and make her needs known and for someone else (other than me, not that I was always great at it, but at least I was "her mother" and had all of the strings that go with that) to be able to understand them. I credit the post-partum hormonalness + first time momness. I worked form home, part time, after maternity leave until she was 10 months old, then ended up going back to a full time outside the house job at 20 months. For part of the interim, when we needed some extra cash, I had a part time job that was different hours than my DH, working for an inventory company.

3. If the numbers don't work for you to completely stay home and working part time out of the house is eating you up, think about a lower paying, less skilled, odd hours part time job - it's hard because you don't see your partner as often and you might be tired when you're "on duty" with the baby.

4. I think another factor in me feeling loath to go back into the office when #1 was born was that I didn't feel that strongly about my job. It's hard to give up time with someone so precious to go do something that you don't particularly love. However, when baby #2 was born, I went back after 10 weeks of maternity leave, and it was much easier because I really do enjoy this job. That's what made the counter-intuitive 20 month old drop-offs when I first started more bearable too.

Posted by: Cathy | June 04, 2008 at 09:49 AM

I'm also kind of where Michaela is (and have been), though with additional reasons/issues/thoughts.

1) I was TOTALLY not ready for anyone but family to watch our first child. Period. And I also could not cope with staying home myself (dissociation/depression issue - I am not a good one for SAHM). But we had DH stay home the first year (approximately - I think it was about 10 months?), and at that point we found a home daycare that was just perfect. It wasn't just that the kids were happy there, it was that the kids had a loving relationship with the woman who ran it. There were only 4-6 kids there (max 6) at any time, various ages together (very like a family), and the DCP was... well, I was sold on her as I talked to her, and since I was 'disrupting' the day, the kids were a bit jangled, and ... and they kept coming up to her and doing what I've come to call 'touching down' - they'd just brush against her, lay a hand on her leg, cuddle up for a moment, and then swing on past to another activity. Meanwhile, every child that came within her reach, she touched - not actively, not obtrusively, but her hands just brushed over them, ruffling this one's hair, brushing fingertips over the shoulder of that one, picking the other one up for a cuddle then releasing them as they asked for down again, over and over. It was like she could not even control it. Total automatic connection on both sides. I was SOLD. And I knew I was right the first time I picked G up early, and he was asleep, and I watched her wake him to lift him out of the pack-n-play that was his nap space. She stroked his hair and face so tenderly - and again, without that sense that she was being watched and therefore was doing it special. I was instantly insanely jealous, and profoundly grateful. I dumped the jealousy after examination - I definitely DID want her to love him fiercely (and she did, over the two years she had him, clearly adored him - and all the kids, really). So... that was what was 'enough' to make it worthwhile. A relationship, not just a caregiver. Love, not just affection and kindness. She has remained part of our lives ever since, even if at this point she's just random phone calls and christmas cards - we gave every one of our kids into her care. And if I won the lottery, I'd finance her retirement. It's that kind of deal. That was the requirement for me to feel good about it - not just 'okay' but good.

2) Even then, it took time to get to good, and good came in part from always reassessing - is this right? and knowing that every choice is temporary.

3) The debt thing, the living without money thing. We lost almost 3/4 of our income with DH staying home. Talk about a HUGE hit to our lives. We also learned a few very valuable lessons in the process, about how we spent, what things we really valued, and what things we didn't even think about that were really kind of stupid. And we totally sank under the debt, for years. We didn't start with a financial advisor (should have! didn't, dangit), but the one we found later has helped us pull ourselves out of the hole we dug. It was a big hole. I still don't regret having DH stay home with G. Despite the still ongoing repercussions (the things we could have done with that money! The house could have been expanded by now... just one more year of that income... Mind, DH also was changing careers, and the hit was coming anyway, but ... well, one more year would have been a lot of money available, if we had the sense to use it well, which at the time we probably didn't). Anyway, despite that, I have to say that the greatest value came from relinquishing my control and handing the primary care over to Ep. It forced me to trust him more than I (regretfully) had ever trusted him even with his own child. It forced him to learn to trust himself. It required me to see him as a true equal, with knowledge and understanding I lacked. It forced me to acknowledge that being the sole wage earner is truly a burden, and a terrifying one (I so much more understand the attitude of some sole-wage-earner men, having done that - though I don't always forgive it, since you CAN get over it, but I know where it comes from now). And having me be the one coming home at the end of the day also gave us each a break - because as the working parent, I was coming home to TAKE OVER WITH MY BABY - this was my turn, 100%, you go do something else, thanks, I'm bonding. (What SAHM gets that 100% break? What working dad is granted the trust and opportunity - even enough to know that he might like it?) And beyond price, something that a friend of ours said when we mentioned that Ep was staying home - "You'll have a husband who can come home at the end of a long day and NEVER ask why the house isn't clean and the dinner made." He KNOWS. He knows that this is hard work, that it sucks up your brains, that it eats the day. And he, in return, if I came home at the end of the day to find the living room looking like a tornado went through it and the two of them crashed asleep on the sofa, my immediate response was not 'oh, please could you not have picked this up at all? What did you DO all day?' but instead, 'wow, it looks like they had a really busy day, I'm so glad they're getting to spend this time together.'

4) That said, balance and perspective - what is it that you want here? Is there a wound or void in your own life that you are trying to fill by staying home? (It won't work, you can stuff it full and stuff it full, and it will remain hungry until you heal that wound) If you are living still with the Postpartum anxiety issue of 'I will MISS SOMETHING!' (yeah, know that one), my best friend, who stayed home with her kids, when I said something along those lines, said, 'if you stay home, you will ALSO miss things - first steps will happen at church, or first sentence will be to daddy. It's okay to miss stuff. If you try to be there for every moment, you'll drive everyone nuts.' (including the kids) Learning not to hover takes time. Understanding that hovering is really damaging is important. Even emotionally hovering while holding a physical distance is felt by them.

5) Same question, different angle - how does the child feel? You're pretty clear that he's happy, and you're not. Which is the bigger player in the choices? I know where you've already landed - you've let him be where he's thriving and happy. But it's still not *right*. Revisit item 4, and then check again. Where does the balance fall, if you measure his happiness. On weekends, does it work? If you take a few days of vacation (together), does his behavior degrade after about day three away from daycare, or does it stay about the same, or improve?

6) Look for the hidden benefits and risks. They're there. Moving back to a different area can mean some plusses, and some minusses. Consider a college town if you like the 'big city arts/opportunities' but need smaller, quieter, and less expensive. Look for school opportunities before you go - seriously look. Yes, he's 10 months old, but if you downsize, it is likely to cost more to go back - even if it is a six month plan, choose for the option to stay past six months. If you decide to NOT downsize, and either just change to a different caregiver format or work other angles (different hours, etc.), make it work in more than just the core goal ways. Look for opportunities that you wouldn't have if you chose to move and/or downsize - educational, experiential, community, arts - it will feel better if you know that you are staying for many reasons, not just money. Look for the reasons to stay, as well as the reasons to go. It will be something of an upstream swim on that one, but finding later that you left a school district that you wish you'd stayed in, or that there was this fabulous riding stable at this park tucked away (etc.) can also feel like you've bargained away opportunities. No, you won't know them all by any stretch of the imagination (either way), but having put in a good faith effort on 'why we should stay here - because of what here offers' will make the decision less painful in the end (IMHO).

7) Then go back to the six month plan again. Work the angles and the shades of gray. Would a home daycare and shorter hours feel better? Different work week (4 days instead of 5, say)? Is there an age at which you feel more confident of the value of being at daycare/preschool (2, 3, 4 years old?)? Make the plans finite, with at least regular reassessment points.

And hang in there. With our next three kids, I had to go back to work at 10 weeks. Ep's new career was still just starting, and his pay frankly sucked rocks. My career was taking off, and my pay was the main income, period, for a long time (and is still the greater part of our income). But having done the rounds once, 'the other way', I also knew that time really does change things. I was much calmer about the whole thing, though still wanted more flexibility, and kept asking for it until I got what I wanted (and then got laid off and went contract with even more flexibility and shorter hours). I lost that anxious urge to be THERE, right THERE all the time. I stopped hovering emotionally (and yes, I did hover with the eldest, and he's still more anxious than he needs to be, and I suspect that a good chunk of that is because I hovered - at 10 years old, he feels sometimes that I don't love him as much as the little kids because I don't sit with him to keep him safe in the bathtub, for pity's sake! You're ten. I don't think you'll drown in there. Really.)

So, um, not sure how useful that was. You're probably already doing all those steps. But at least you'll be able to check them off someone else's list. If that helps at all.

Posted by: hedra | June 04, 2008 at 09:54 AM

OH, and I agree that PP anxiety and PP OCD can be serious hidden players in this process. I had a bit of both along with PPD - all mild, technically, and yet the combination is just utterly mangling. It's worth exploring the concern.

Posted by: hedra | June 04, 2008 at 10:03 AM

I didn't read this as her anxiety being because she thought her baby wasn't being well-taken-care-of, but because she wanted to be the one with her baby instead of someone else. And I really don't think going on meds is the answer to that. I mean, otherwise, why not just take meds any time our lives are out of alignment with our desires/values?

I'd rather figure out how to solve the underlying problem, and then *separately* figure out if there's some kind of anxiety or depression going on. Otherwise you're just medicating yourself into acceptance of a situation that's bad for you.

Posted by: Moxie | June 04, 2008 at 12:05 PM

You're right, Moxie, that managing anxiety/depression requires effort on your part, even if you are taking medication. Like any disease/condition, depression and anxiety require some lifestyle changes. If you need a pill to help you get to a place where you can address your personal issues (and trust me, I do), take one. But mood disorders cannot be cured by pills alone. I know this is a slight tangent, but I just wanted to say something before a big AD debate ensued.

Posted by: Shannon | June 04, 2008 at 12:21 PM

Julie - This question is so timely for me! I started daycare with my 16 mo old son 2 weeks ago. I cried SO HARD every day for the first two weeks and felt just horrible. This week, the third, he actually seems to be enjoying it and I am no longer crying at drop-offs. I still have some guilt, anxiety, and sadness though, because it is so hard to let go of our babies, isn't it? I think it would be just as hard to you if your baby was 4 and starting kindergarden after being home with you for 4 years! Was it always your dream to be a SAHM? I always knew I would return to work, and honestly, maybe my son is harder than most, but I can't imagine another 3 years at home with him! That obviously made the transition to daycare easier, because it felt like the best option in theory, even if horribly difficult in practice. Also, IME, babies change so much around 12-13 months and you can really start to see how they might like/thrive in a daycare setting with other kids and stimulation. Before a year, I couldn't fathom being apart from my son, but after a year, it became clearer that he might actually prefer daycare to being home with me all day! Part of that is your kids's personality - mine is very social and active so I think he suits daycare more than a SAHM or nanny. What do you think best suits your child? It might be hard to know until you see your baby's personality shift into toddlerhood in the coming months. I think it's time to keep thinking and reflecting on this. If you are doing circles in your mind then I would suggest you're not ready to make a decision. Just keep pondering - your baby is healthy and safe so there is no urgency. Maybe let it rest for a couple months and then reconsider when your baby is over a year and far more active/social. Best of luck!

Posted by: Suki | June 04, 2008 at 12:21 PM

MOXIE, HOW DO YOU DO IT? How do you manage to post about exactly what is bothering me, just when I need it most? Or are all moms just always freaking about the same things all the time?

My son is 18 mos., and I've been staying home with him since day one. But we've just recently moved to a more expensive area (my husband changed jobs) and the pressure is starting to mount for me to work. I'm okay with that in a lot of ways. I'm kind of anxious to get out there, in fact.

But I was in TEARS just the other day about the thought of leaving my little man in someone else's care. And my husband? My usually supportive, I-love-you-so-much-I-never-want-to-see-you-cry husband? My sensitive, caring husband? He totally didn't get it. In fact, he seemed downright annoyed with me. He said he would understand if Little Man was still 6 months old, but now that he is 18 months I should be getting over it. "Everyone goes to daycare, it's fine." He is just so not concerned, like it's no big thing.

So I started to think maybe I was unnecessarily emotional, too clingy, not cutting the cord when I should be. But then I come here and see that plenty of normal, level-headed moms feel the same way. Thank God.

As to Julie's dilemma. It is really possible to downsize without having to live in a slum or worry about every cent. I promise - my husband doesn't make great money, but we've done okay over these past 18 months on one income. You really can do it. If that's what your heart keeps telling you to do, it may well be worth listening. Moxie is so right - nothing is forever. Deciding to be a SAHM now does not mean never working again, you know?

But personally, my ambivalence about being a SAHM has always come down to the future, rather than the present. Having one old car, not having cable, buying all my clothes at Target...none of these things have been very hard for me at all. There's a huge difference between downsizing and struggling. BUT, I have often worried about the future. When I do go back to work, I still don't know what I want to do for work, don't know what kind of childcare I want to engage. Psychologically, it's also been very hard for me to be totally dependent on my DH. As good as our marriage is overall, I've seen enough marriages fall apart to feel that it's a tinge naive to keep depending on him. It really gets to me. Anyway. I'm kind of paralyzed about all of it. It's not a good place to be.

So I guess if I have any advice, it's "make a plan." Not a concrete, "I will go back in 6 months" sort of plan, but...more like an outline. Know what steps you have to take to keep up with your field so that it's easier to go back when the time comes. Or do something like one day a week, just to keep a toe in the water. Just a little something to keep your autonomy and independence. But it may be that your current PT arrangement does actually do the trick. In which case, well, Hedra as usual has a ton of great points. It may be that you need to assess the emotional issues rather than the job circumstance. I have found in my life that if I thought, "I'll be happy when X happens," it's always been full of crap. Obvious external circumstances like abuse and illness aside, a lot of this stuff is internal hurt and insecurity.

But to have issues with leaving your kid? Ugh, it's so good not to be the only one!

Posted by: stacy | June 04, 2008 at 12:29 PM

There are two things that help me cope with having my Pumpkin in day care (1) trying to recognize what is really important to me and to try to let go of the guilt on things that aren't so important and (2) tweaking my schedule so that I get enough funtime with Pumpkin. Details in the incredibly long post below:

I went back to work when Pumpkin was 3 months old- Hubby and I both worked part time for a month, then my parents watched her for a month (yay, retired parents!) and then she went to day care when she was 5 months old. We love her day care, and I love working, but I have had many days when I'm conflicted about the decisions we've made and miss Pumpkin more than I can stand, too. I think that is pretty common. I get the most angst around times when I'm trying to change something in Pumpkin's life due to day care needs. For instance, we recently struggled for over a month to move her from bottles to sippy cups during the day, because she couldn't move to the bigger babies room at day care until she was drinking from a sippy cup (she is now 14 months old). I hated feeling like my parenting decisions were being dictated by someone else, and seriously considered pulling her out of day care and hiring a nanny. I'm glad I didn't- she's drinking from her sippy cup now, eating more solid food, and loving the big babies room.

I think there is normal angst from having to invite a third party into your parenting decisions. You have to decide if that is something you can live with. I can, as long as I still feel like I'm getting my way on the important things. For instance, Pumpkin still gets breastmilk in her sippy cup.

Another thing to try is to see if you can juggle your schedule around to get more time with your baby. I worked 35 hours/week for several months. It was really 70 hours/2 weeks, so I took every other Friday off and spent it with Pumpkin. Now that I'm back to working M-F, I still leave earlyish, so that Pumpkin and I get home in time for some funtime before dinner, bedtime, and all that. This is very, very important to me and I would look for another job if anyone tried to change my hours.

One final thing- can Hubby do day care drop off? I find drop off really difficult, even when Pumpkin doesn't cry. So I do pick up, which is lots of fun (she runs to me with a big smile on her face). I leave first in the morning, and leave to Pumpkin in her Daddy's arms, waving bye-bye. That is much easier than handing her to a day care worker and leaving.

Posted by: Cloud | June 04, 2008 at 12:33 PM

Hmmm- switching to one income from two is tough for anybody. Regardless of your tax bracket. And I completely understand the fear of a "bad" area, as we just went through the ringer trying to find a home that was both affordable and safe.

I do stay home w/ our 7 month old daughter. It was both my heart and my husband's heart's desire to have me stay home with our children for the forseeable future. It works for us. We can't go on vacations like we used to (think camping now as opposed to ten day cruises) and we live on a budget. Excel spreadsheet and all. We HAD to live on a budget if we ever wanted to move and now it's kind of a game for us to try and save money any way we can.

We drive 7+ year old cars. My husband starting carpooling to work. I group errands to save on gas. I make his lunch everyday, which saves a ton in dining out expenses. We eat whole foods and not processed/packaged items (cheaper and healthier too! Bonus!) We don't buy things without talking to one another about it. I use coupons and buy sale items. My splurge every month is a gym membership that includes unlimited babysitting (YES!). My husband's is golfing a few times a month.

I would suggest exploring you and your husband's goals, short term and long term, what compromises you are willing/ able to make. But, living on a budget isn't as restrictive as you might think. For us, it's been freeing.

Posted by: Dana | June 04, 2008 at 12:35 PM

From what I get from your question, Julie, you seem powerfully unhappy with the current situation, which, IMO, indicates a change is necessary -- not coping mechanisms to manage the current situation, but a change in the situation itself. Clearly, the status quo is not working.

There are lots of good compromise ideas previous posters mentioned (Esp. Cathy's #3 & #4) -- all worth examining. I think the fact that you did not say you are 100% over-the-moon about your job is very telling. Like Cathy said -- leaving a job you don't LOVE TO DEATH is easier.

Speaking from experience, taking the financial hit and going 1-income was worth it for us. We did everything you mentioned -- moved back to PA (Really! And we don't live in a bad neighborhood, just a rural one.), sold the cars, bought a smaller house, slashed expenses (hi, rabbit ears!)and downsized utterly everything (including which loaf of bread to buy) ... and all of it -- ALL OF IT -- is 100% worth it because I'm home with my kids. I never have a moment of guilt or second-guessing about that choice. I won't say I'm lucky to have it this way -- it's a conscious choice we made because the alternative would have made me mad with guilt and misery.

Not everybody feels that way, and I'm usually in the maligned minority in these discussions, but I really really think if you're crushed with sadness and guilt by the daycare/working thing, then figuring out something else is probably going to make you feel better. Whatever that "something else" is.

Even if you didn't plan for another kind of situation while you were pregnant, you didn't know you would feel this way once it all came to pass, so I think it's totally legitimate to reevaluate and restructure if necessary, based on the way you feel NOW. Just because you thought it would work the way it is doesn't mean you have to tolerate it NOT working just because you didn't anticipate these feelings.

For me, that "something else" is staying home. I find it fulfilling, stimulating and satisfying in ways working OTH never was. YMMV, but maybe you could give it a try. You might not be sorry.

Posted by: MrsHaley | June 04, 2008 at 12:46 PM

It's soooo hard, I know...I had to leave my baby when she was six weeks old. Absolutely no choice. Your feelings are totally natural; after all it's nature's plan that a mom cares for her baby. Separating so young really isn't natural for mom or baby, but neither is the society we live in so we just do the best we can.

Here is what I can offer:

1) Cry whenever you need to cry. It's ok. HUGS.

2) It does not affect your bond with your baby. I promise.

3) When your baby turns into a toddler you'll welcome the time off from them.

4) HUGS.

Posted by: jessica | June 04, 2008 at 12:46 PM

Cloud - Without any experience yet, I agree with your statement about having daddy handle drop off if possible. I go back to work in a couple of months (my son will be 11 months). I am actually really excited (I love my work, and have found a fabulous caregiver for son). But I still tear up and feel anxious when I think about handing him off in the morning. So my husband and I agreed that he would handle drop offs and I would handle pick-ups. And that one little decision just removed so much of my anxiety about going back to work.

Posted by: Jac | June 04, 2008 at 12:57 PM

Oh, I hear you. I would so love to be a SAHM, but I earn the majority of our income, and we have a mortgage and a car payment and and and...

Is there any way you could get creative with your childcare/work arrangement? For example: My husband is a barista, so he works odd hours and is usually home either by 1:30pm or until 12:30pm, depending on if he's working the opening shift or the closing shift. We take advantage of that, and I work from home 3 days/week, and work in the office 2 days/week. On the days I'm working from home, we have a college student come in and babysit so I can work (I close myself up in our bedroom, where my desk is) until my husband gets home, at which point he takes over. For the days I'm in the office, hubby is "on duty" one morning, and then he takes J over to our friend's house where she watches him for cheap with her kids. My other office day hubby takes off work to be on baby duty. This does mean that he works on Saturdays, which isn't ideal but it's what we've got.

Anyway, yeah - it's complicated, but it means I still get to nurse the baby most of the time, and I'm technically there if anything goes wrong with the babysitter, and we're saving on gas to boot.

The other thing that is good about it -- and I didn't expect this -- is a lot of what Hedra said above: my husband and my son are developing their own relationship, and my husband really knows how to take care of our son without input from me (well.... without *much* input from me!).

Our situation has its own pitfalls, but if you could do something similar, it might alleviate a lot of your anxiety.

Good luck!

Posted by: Ann | June 04, 2008 at 01:15 PM

Oh, I hear you. I would so love to be a SAHM, but I earn the majority of our income, and we have a mortgage and a car payment and and and...

Is there any way you could get creative with your childcare/work arrangement? For example: My husband is a barista, so he works odd hours and is usually home either by 1:30pm or until 12:30pm, depending on if he's working the opening shift or the closing shift. We take advantage of that, and I work from home 3 days/week, and work in the office 2 days/week. On the days I'm working from home, we have a college student come in and babysit so I can work (I close myself up in our bedroom, where my desk is) until my husband gets home, at which point he takes over. For the days I'm in the office, hubby is "on duty" one morning, and then he takes J over to our friend's house where she watches him for cheap with her kids. My other office day hubby takes off work to be on baby duty. This does mean that he works on Saturdays, which isn't ideal but it's what we've got.

Anyway, yeah - it's complicated, but it means I still get to nurse the baby most of the time, and I'm technically there if anything goes wrong with the babysitter, and we're saving on gas to boot.

The other thing that is good about it -- and I didn't expect this -- is a lot of what Hedra said above: my husband and my son are developing their own relationship, and my husband really knows how to take care of our son without input from me (well.... without *much* input from me!).

Our situation has its own pitfalls, but if you could do something similar, it might alleviate a lot of your anxiety.

Good luck!

Posted by: Ann | June 04, 2008 at 01:16 PM

Sorry for the double post - stupid Typepad.

Posted by: Ann | June 04, 2008 at 01:18 PM

Julie, Stacy, you are not the only ones! My son is 18 m old and I am so with you.

Short version of our story: had a job that I LOVED and was good at, saved money for years so that I could stay home full time for 6 m after the baby was born and then go back part time for the next 6 m. By juggling my schedule and my husband’s we managed to keep him out of daycare until he was 11..5 m. I thought I would go back to work and be ok with it. Now, at 18 m, I am completely unmotivated at my job, have no intention of going back full-time, and am trying to figure out how reduce my work schedule from 3 days a week to less. This is quite difficult as we live in one of the most expensive areas of the country and I make 2x what my husband makes (until recently it was 4x). We absolutely cannot live on his salary alone here.

Even though we searched extensively for the right daycare (even pulling him out of the first one we picked after a couple of trial visits) I hate that he is in daycare at all. I constantly wonder what he is doing at daycare. Whether he is happy, or lonely, or bored, or hungry. The other day his provider told me that they were going to make homemade playdough that morning and my first thought was "Great! He will have fun with that." My second thought was "His first time experiencing playdough and I won't be there to see his happiness." To add to the stress, drop-offs have once again become, to put it bluntly, awful. They were bad initially, then were very smooth for months, and about three weeks ago suddenly became horrible. Tears, clinging tightly to me, screaming for me to nurse him (when I just finished nursing him), saying “no”. I realize this is all most likely part of the general 18 m insanity and he is completely fine when I pick him up but it is rapidly driving me insane.

As long as you are working some suggestions that have helped us:
-As Cloud mentioned have your partner do the drop-off. My husband did drop-offs the first month or so when I has literally physically ill from the idea of him at daycare. He has a new job and can’t do it anymore but if he could he would.
-Encourage talking/signing/communication as much as possible. Now that my son is 18 m I can ask him what he did at daycare and he can tell me “Park. Swing.” (They went to the park and he played on the swing). I also make a point every morning to explain the routine to him and reassure him that I will always be there to pick him up. I make sure that I am never late.
-I have a lot of vacation and sick time built up so sometimes I take vacation or a sick day (or half-day) and pick him up early or stay home with him when I am really missing him. I am still paying for daycare, but whatever.
-I work M, W, F so that I never have more than one day without him in a row.

Long term, we have decided that this is not the way we want to live and are making changes to get us to where we want to be. This will most likely involve moving to a much more inexpensive area and living a simpler lifestyle. We are where we are for the next two years (husband’s job) but are using that time to explore other areas (we have contacted real estate agents), get rid off all debt other than our mortgage, and basically figure out how to live with both of us working as little as possible. We are also trying for another baby (we want 3+ kids) as now would be a good time for me to take another 6 month maternity leave. As Moxie, mentioned I constantly remind myself that this is the way it has to be for now, but it is not the way it has to stay. We’re going to get to the life we want and I hope that you will too.

Posted by: Gina | June 04, 2008 at 01:19 PM

Hedra-

Your response really struck me. Thank you. I'd like to ask, though, what did you mean by "dissociation/depression" issue? Sorry if that is too intimate/prying a question. I am asking because it sounds so much like me.

Posted by: Amanda | June 04, 2008 at 01:24 PM

Yeeesss... I remember this feeling. I called my home d/c provider everyday on my lunch break for five months before I decided I hated life this way and it had to change. We were already over $10,000 in debt from college, were living a very pared- down lifestyle, and could. not. survive. on. one. income. My solution was to stay home and open my own home as a daycare. Now, seven years later, my home is still a daycare. There are many pros and cons to this solution, the ones that effect me the most are these:
1. The bottom line is that I get to stay home with my (now 3) kids. I love being here, love seeing each new discovery they make every day, love all the love and kisses and being able to BF on demand when they're little. Love that they can nap in their own cozy beds, etc. I'm positive that I made the right choice for me in that situation, but I know it's not for everyone, because...
2. You don't get even the most minimal of benefits that you get working for a company. I'm not talking about health insurance, I mean things like sick days, two hours in the afternoon for a doctor's appt., a lunch break, nothing. I have 8 families who depend on me to be here five days a week, year round. Yes, I take two weeks vacation a year, but then you either have to convince everyone to pay you for your vacation time, or not get paid those 2 weeks, which doesn't make for a very relaxing vacation. I've taken six sick days in the past seven years, and one of those was to give birth to my daughter. I took one- week and two- weeks maternity leaves when my second and third children, respectively, were born. Doctor's appts. are very difficult, and I'm pretty much completely unable to participate in my older kids' classrooms, which I hate.
3. You have clients traipsing through your (usually messy) house all day, every day. Your family lives in a house that's open to the public most of the time. Privacy pretty much goes out the window. Other kids play with/ chew on/ break your kids' most cherished and precious toys, there's lots of wear and tear on your house/ carpet/ furniture.
4. Depending on your state, it can be difficult to meet all the requirements for licensing. Lucky for me, Ohio severely lags behind most of the country in that respect and doesn't even HAVE a license for small in home daycares, like me. But that makes it easy to get into the business. (Unfortunately, it also makes it easy for people who run bad daycares to get into the business, too, so it's a double edged sword.) I recently looked into regs in Colorado, where we dream of maybe moving someday in the future, and my many years of experience and happy clientele (including pediatricians) would count for nothing towards qualifying for extra flexibility in client scheduling that is awarded to long- term licensed homes within the state. I'd be starting again from square one.
5. Not a day goes by that I don't get stir crazy being stuck here with so many little kids all alone that I don't wonder what other kind of work I could be doing here at home to make this income. Our youngest is now 18 months, but we still want at least 1 more child, so I'm looking at at least another 6 years or so until Possible Future Kid goes to Kindergarten. Sometimes it feels like a jail term, and sometimes it's heaven.

The job makes me crazy, but I love it and wouldn't give it up... does that make sense?

For me, it is a solution to the very problem you're facing now.

Posted by: Joy | June 04, 2008 at 01:25 PM

Also, I just wanted to add that I'd worked with kids all my life. I was 11 when my mom had twins, and grew up as a second mommy to them. I babysat a lot and worked at a daycare center after college. With 14 two- year- olds. So I had a working knowledge of the business and what I was getting into. If you're interested it discussing it further, email me at tenerifechica@gmail.com.

Posted by: Joy | June 04, 2008 at 01:36 PM

I seem to read three separate issues here: one is about working, one about parenting, another about daycare. If you don't *love* your job, then that could be confounding the way you are feeling about daycare. Though I would vacillate about leaving my son at daycare, I finally figured out my worst emotional days about leaving him were when I had had a really awful day at work the day before. That's when the guilt set in because I didn't believe the sacrifice was worth it. However, I do like my job, and on days when things were going well, I could be positive about the opportunities that my working gave our family (not material "stuff", but being able to afford the Montessori daycare that my son *loves* and how much he benefits from the social interactions and relationships with others outside our family -- which is important!).
Second, you mention that you aren't happy with group daycare. Could you explore other places for your child? Something smaller, more intimate, perhaps in someone's home?
Of course, if you have *always* wanted to be a SAHM, then most of my comments are irrelevant. However, if you really, really believe that this is more of a "control" thing on your part (you mention your son is thriving and happy), then as hedra and others have mentioned, that may be worth exploring with a therapist or good friend. I have incredibly complicated "trust" issues and had to realize that I had to muster up trust in ways that I never had when I put my son in someone else's care. It has been good for me to work on trust through letting go of my doubts and suspicions and take a leap of faith (granted, that leap is grounded in a stellar daycare!).

Posted by: anon for today | June 04, 2008 at 01:37 PM

When I first became pregnant, I was in my last year of college and working part time. Our plan was to utilize daycare so I could go to class and then back to work. If there is one thing the birthing process taught me, it is that plans change. Daycare never happened (though I was still able to graduate with the help of my classmates and professors). We, like Dana's family, have reorganized our budget to allow me to stay home with our baby. We have a monthly budget that is very strict, but still allows for eating out for dinner once and a while, and small overnight vacations. However, we have weeks where we can only afford to buy milk and eggs and rely on what's left in our pantry. I can't speak for the financial freedoms of others, and I can only be thankful that we're able to afford to let me stay home with the baby. There are just as many fabulous working moms as there are SAHM, and many really great daycare providers. In the end, you have to decide what's right for your family... and remember that plans change.

Posted by: Eve | June 04, 2008 at 01:48 PM

I'm always interested in these discussions. It's cool to see how everyone else makes it work.

First, I have always felt an outpouring of sympathy for moms who unwillingly leave their children in someone else's care, even if the care is excellent. To want to be home with your kids and to be unable to . . . well, that's got to be the pits. I hope you can find some way to fix your situation.

We make it work by doing opposite shifts. My husband has a normal M-F, 9-5 kind of job. I work Friday nights and Sunday nights, 12 hour shifts. I work with a lot of working moms and during the week I hang out with a lot of SAHM and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I do have 2 4-hour chunks of time where I have a babysitter come to my house so I can catch a nap before/after one of my shifts. She is a dear friend and I love knowing that everyone is right downstairs and I'm available if necessary.

The downside is that I am tired. A lot. I am sleep deprived more often than not. I've done this schedule for almost 6 years, though, thru 2 pregnancies including a set of twins and I can't figure out anything that would work better for us. I like my job a lot~as well as the health insurance and income it provides~and I love staying home with my kids.

Moxie is right in that no decision is permanent. I have a hard time remembering that so much of parenting is compromise. I am an all-or-nothing person. Right now our schedules work for us. When my kids are all in school full-time, we will experiment to find something else that works for us.

Posted by: Linda | June 04, 2008 at 01:52 PM

I'm always interested in these discussions. It's cool to see how everyone else makes it work.

First, I have always felt an outpouring of sympathy for moms who unwillingly leave their children in someone else's care, even if the care is excellent. To want to be home with your kids and to be unable to . . . well, that's got to be the pits. I hope you can find some way to fix your situation.

We make it work by doing opposite shifts. My husband has a normal M-F, 9-5 kind of job. I work Friday nights and Sunday nights, 12 hour shifts. I work with a lot of working moms and during the week I hang out with a lot of SAHM and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I do have 2 4-hour chunks of time where I have a babysitter come to my house so I can catch a nap before/after one of my shifts. She is a dear friend and I love knowing that everyone is right downstairs and I'm available if necessary.

The downside is that I am tired. A lot. I am sleep deprived more often than not. I've done this schedule for almost 6 years, though, thru 2 pregnancies including a set of twins and I can't figure out anything that would work better for us. I like my job a lot~as well as the health insurance and income it provides~and I love staying home with my kids.

Moxie is right in that no decision is permanent. I have a hard time remembering that so much of parenting is compromise. I am an all-or-nothing person. Right now our schedules work for us. When my kids are all in school full-time, we will experiment to find something else that works for us.

Posted by: Linda | June 04, 2008 at 01:52 PM

I'm always interested in these discussions. It's cool to see how everyone else makes it work.

First, I have always felt an outpouring of sympathy for moms who unwillingly leave their children in someone else's care, even if the care is excellent. To want to be home with your kids and to be unable to . . . well, that's got to be the pits. I hope you can find some way to fix your situation.

We make it work by doing opposite shifts. My husband has a normal M-F, 9-5 kind of job. I work Friday nights and Sunday nights, 12 hour shifts. I work with a lot of working moms and during the week I hang out with a lot of SAHM and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I do have 2 4-hour chunks of time where I have a babysitter come to my house so I can catch a nap before/after one of my shifts. She is a dear friend and I love knowing that everyone is right downstairs and I'm available if necessary.

The downside is that I am tired. A lot. I am sleep deprived more often than not. I've done this schedule for almost 6 years, though, thru 2 pregnancies including a set of twins and I can't figure out anything that would work better for us. I like my job a lot~as well as the health insurance and income it provides~and I love staying home with my kids.

Moxie is right in that no decision is permanent. I have a hard time remembering that so much of parenting is compromise. I am an all-or-nothing person. Right now our schedules work for us. When my kids are all in school full-time, we will experiment to find something else that works for us.

Posted by: Linda | June 04, 2008 at 01:53 PM

It seems to be that what you Julie does not really like is the daycare situation. I personally find daycares at that age totally depressing, no matter how great they are on objective grounds. The side by side cribs, the number of kids scream, "orphanage" in my head. So why not keep the job, sacrifics a little bit of your spending and get a nanny?
And honestly, I think the breakdowns you are experiencing are not really about the baby being in good hands or not. You are the one having major separation anxiety and for that you need professional help.

I am a working mom, two kids under 3, both were looked after by a nanny, the 3 year old goes to preschool in the mornings. Never cried my heart out. Fretted, had anxiety, guilt, remorse, but never felt the sadness you are describing.

Posted by: lolismum | June 04, 2008 at 01:57 PM

How timely. I just put my 3 month old into day care this week. And it breaks my heart, and I'm afraid he won't know who I am or he will feel abandoned. And now I am crying again. The center has cameras in the room so I can 'peek in' on the internet. And I thought that would be a comfort, and it really isn't. I'll be following the discussion with interest. I know there is an adjustment, I just don't ever want him to be scared or alone or missing me. I do not want to be a SAHM, I don't have the temperment, and I really LOVE my job, but I just wish there was a flexible, part time option available to me. I'm just really beat down with this today and appreciate the discussion.

Posted by: Rachel | June 04, 2008 at 02:01 PM

No real advice for Julie, only sympathy and my own story. My mother now says she hated having anyone else take care of the kids and bitterly regrets having to work outside of the home and leave us in the care of her mother-in-law. My take on this is that she always wanted to be a SAHM, and this speaks more about her resenting her personal lack of choices in her life than thinking her kids turned out to be disasters because she entrusted them to someone else. (I'm not sure she would have done a better job had she stayed home--she's very hover-y and over-protective--but maybe she wouldn't have taken out her frustrations at the job on us.)

I chose to go back to work after 3 months, the maximum family leave in the state that I live in. I managed to apply my sick days to the time I was away without pay and managed to negotiate a part-time schedule at work until my son turned one. We too live in an expensive area, but we can walk to work and all the schools in the area are considered good, which bodes well for the future. We didn't have a lot of money (whatever I made plus a bit went to the nanny's pay) and I was stressed from having to cram in a lot of work in less time and having to rush home to relive the sitter. But I also liked being able to sit at a computer in peace. A large reason I wanted to go back to work was that I was worried about not having the confidence to re-enter the workforce after having been a SAHM for 3, 4, or 5 years. (Yes, I have confidence issues.)

It was important to me to spend most of my day with my son and I had certain cultural expectations, growing up in Canada, that my babies would be at home until one. My husband and I made that happen for the most part--I just trusted that my son would be ready to interact with a larger world once he turned one. To a large extent, he was, even though he wasn't crazy about other kids being around him (to put it mildly) at the beginning. He's adapted and seems to be thriving now at 16 months (he just took a month to adapt, really). It's a great daycare, staffed with workers who have been there before I was born.

Both my husband and I were anxious for our son once he started daycare, but he just seemed so well-cared for and happy--he loves the toys and the playground and has the stimulation that I probably wouldn't have been able to give him, staying at home. I feel sad that our weekdays are so short, though: 5:30pm-8pm is not a long time!

Good luck making your choices.

Posted by: ML | June 04, 2008 at 02:01 PM

Aagh - lost a long post. Damn Typepad.

but very briefly: Have you thought about a nanny share in your home? Cost, at least here in SF, is same as daycare - 2 kids, one nanny, $10/kid/hour. Probably parallel - if cheaper! - where you are, too.

We do one-on-one care, but a share would probably have the same effect at this point: For me, especially when T. was under 1 year, there was something about him being home (or at the neighborhood park, etc.), with one trusted adult, that felt really important for me. Somehow, even a small daycare, no matter how good, didn't feel the same - totally a gut issue and nothing to do with quality of care, just my own comfort level. We got lucky - well, on the third try - and found a great nanny who loves T. as much as he loves her.

I do work out of my home office, part-time (which has a long list of pros and cons I won't retype here), but I suspect that him being at home is as important to the right fit of our situation for us as is my presence in the house. Even if, now that he's 2, I'm often at the cafe writing while he's at the park.

Sometimes it feels like a jail term, and sometimes it's heaven.

Posted by: Lisa | June 04, 2008 at 02:10 PM

doh - that last line was a cut-and-paste from Joy's earlier post. I was just going to quote her and add that (a) it's incredibly wise and (b) it could apply equally well to whatever choice one makes in this situation!

Posted by: Lisa | June 04, 2008 at 02:17 PM

Oh Julie, hugs to you. How lucky is your little baby to have a mom who is so concerned about what's best for him?

We all hear you because we've been there, too. Sent my little guy off to daycare 3 days a week when he was 17 weeks old. On the first day I dropped him off, I sobbed hysterically in the daycare restroom, and was an hour late to work because I needed the time just to get the red out of my eyes! Day two was much easier. And every day it just got easier until one day it was suddenly very comfortable. Now, after almost 4 months of part time work, I'm really loving the balance, and it is hard to remember those sad, raw, vulnerable feelings I had about it in the beginning, not so long ago.

Part time work is definitely the right answer for our family. Spending 5 days at work or 7 days at home just wouldn't make this mama very happy. I needed balance; which is a long way of answering your question of how we cope.

You've been back to work for 4 months now, and you say you are having a major breakdown at least once a week. Julie, that's concerning - for you & your personal well-being. If I can be totally honest (without knowing you and your specific situation), my gut reaction to what you wrote is that you might be more calm and less anxious if you stayed home. I think 4 months of the experience has given you enough perspective to begin to make the right decision for yourself. Where is your anxiety coming from? Listen to your heart on this one.

Posted by: hush | June 04, 2008 at 02:23 PM

"I don't know if I am just a control freak or if I am not listening to my gut. I have popped in during the day to check in on him and everything seemed great. I think I am just not comfortable with so many kids being cared for at once. The day care is licensed and they have a stellar inspection record..."

As a SAHM whose income shrank to less than half of what we were earning when both my husband and I were both working, I'd like to share my point of view on the matter.
First and foremost, you have that instinct for a reason. My mother works in a daycare center caring for infants and babies up to 2 years old and I have always thought that those parents who have her caring for their kids are the luckiest. She loves them all as her own; however, I also hear stories about the place (she's worked in more than one center) and some of the others who work there. I maintain that any parent who leaves their child in the care of someone else, especially a baby, should be required to sit behind a two way glass panel and watch their child for an entire day without interfering. The fact is, your child is essentially in line each time he has a need to be met because of the other children present. There are many obvious implications because of this (waiting to eat, be changed, comforted, etc...).
Secondly, seemingly absent from your ultimate question about which is more damaging, is how your son feels about being in daycare. Could he verbalize, I know he would say he'd rather be with his mommy every day.
These comments are rushed (my girl will wake any minute now) and therefore not as thoroughly written or nearly as eloquent as I'd like them to be (Hedra, how do you do it?). Also, please do not interpret them as judgmental or in any way an attack on those families where both parents work. I understand that there are situations which require this; but as Moxie pointed out, it isn't forever. Even if you have to scale back considerably, it won't be that way always. Believe me, I have to keep telling myself that! And ultimately, I know I won't regret the loss of the extra income for those few years that my baby is just that.
Good luck and may you find peace in whatever decision you come to.

Posted by: Anon for this | June 04, 2008 at 02:27 PM

@Amanda, there are ranges of normal degrees of dissociation in daily life - everyone differs. However, if you take someone who normally is prone to a bit of 'mind wander' (getting lost in books, getting lost in movies, having a hard time remembering the movie later because they were in a different - REALLY different - mental state when they saw it, etc.), and then put them into an abusive situation, the pattern gets out of control. The really severe version is dissociative identity disorder (aka multiple personality disorder) though I think there's still discussion ongoing about whether it is part of a spectrum of reactions or has separate factors. Regardless, even minor traumas (like surgery/medical issues) can set up a pattern of dissociation that isn't easily controlled by the individual involved.

Case in point being me. I was abused pretty young, so I don't know how much I was already capable of dissociation (probably fairly highly, all things considered). I dissociated a lot of different directions - my memories are dissociated layers at times - I'll get emotion but not visual, or I'll have visual but not other sensory (but I'll actually have ALL of them but not have them put together). A bit of that is totally normal. For me, I can be in a conversation (even 'healed') and something will happen and I'll just be GONE - not really there. Not just 'oops, my mind wandered' but 'ohmygod I have no idea what we're talking about' - my mouth will have carried on having the conversation, my awareness won't have much detail at all (though I can now rewind the process in my mind and recapture what I missed - which is way less useful than it sounds).

As a parent, this means that if I'm stressed, I can randomly 'check out' and not BE THERE for my child - it's like sometimes when you're upset you get mommy, and sometimes you get this robot that looks exactly like mommy but is definitely NOT mommy. The more pressure is put on the system, the more it happens. It's a factor that can affect attachment function in kids, and can play a role in them developing depression (as well as being really enmeshed in depression as a process at the same time - more depression = more dissociation for some people).

It does have a few up sides - I can easily separate out the negatives from any experience and joyfully embrace the positives without having to figure out what to *do* with the negatives. I have sucky pregnancies, but I end up LOVING the process of being pregnant. It's like two pregnancies at once, and I can step back and forth between the experiences. Miserable - but flip switch and oh, JOYFUL.

Still, staying 'present' is a big issue (not surprisingly), and being 'present' is a big deal to kids. If I stayed home, I would be there, but I'd be only randomly present. That's ... well, it would be cruel to do on purpose to my kids, whom I adore.

Fortunately, ep is very good at spotting when I check out (which is nowhere near as often as it used to be when they were babies - I suspect hormones also factor in), and can get me back with a few words.

Oh, and it makes me an absolutely perfect candidate for hypnobirthing - 1) people who have a natural affinity for dissociation (healthy or not) can get into hypnotic states much more easily than those who don't, usually with much more powerful results (at least according to the only research I've seen on the subject), and 2) I can use the hypnotherapy to move all my triggers out of the way so I'm *more* there for the labor and birth than I otherwise might be. Actually, it kind of does that automatically - no trying at all. (Strange that I'm more 100% here when in a state of hypnosis than I can rely on when I'm just walking around being me, but there ya go.)

Anyway, no abuse needed to be really prone to it - it's the zone out when a kid is thinking or reading or just staring out the window. It's the ability to merge with the story of a book and not notice the passage of time. Most people have some degree of automatic filter/on-off-switch for it, so they snap out of it easily. For me, I snap out much better from external cues than internal ones, so ... add in that I have a hearing loss RIGHT SMACK in the range of a baby's crying (the 'fingernails on chalkboard' range, same as the 'whining' range), and I'm really not a great candidate for staying home with the kids.

Which sucks, because in a sense, I'd love to have been.

Anyway, not too much prying there - I'm not too shy about my history, though I don't really think about it at all anymore unless I'm asked. I do sometimes feel like I'm going to be perceived as trying to justify not staying home (having had too many people wonder why I seemed happy to not do so, in the 'don't you LOVE your kids, why do you want someone ELSE to raise them?' tone), but... it is what it is, as Moxie says. I have to deal with what I've got.

***

I do like the many flavors of options presented here. And I am definitely happiest working my 24-36 hours a week, able to go off to school at any time, still bringing in the major income. Not that it doesn't make me equally crazy as every other option does/would! But it's just crazy, not totally insane.

Anyway, Julie, so many places to go, ways to slice, dice, roll, mold, shift, and rotate the options - but it all still rolls up under Moxie's headings - it is what it is, and it isn't forever. I have yet to meet a parent who didn't have regrets somewhere, and that includes the brilliant ones who did a fabulous job and whose kids are successful whole human beings off on their own. It's hard to see which things you'll have regrets on later, too. That's okay. Don't try to work too hard from that side of the line - work from what you want, rather than from what you do not want. It's always better to go toward the good, than just try to avoid the bad. If you go, go for a reason, if you stay, stay for a reason. If neither works, find the third alternative - there are millions of increments between the ends.

Posted by: hedra | June 04, 2008 at 02:34 PM

Don't have time to read all comments, but I so feel Julie's pain. And not all moms feel this, it seems. I have that "panicky" feeling Moxie describes when I'm at work and think about my daughter. I want to be with her all the time and I must work. I'm the only one making money in my family. It helps A LOT that my mom keeps my daughter two days a week, and my MIL and husband keep her two days a week, and I pretend to work at home on Fridays while keeping her. It's not easy, because I have to drive four extra hours a week for my Mom to keep her. But I think it's worth it. But I think daycare offers some advantages over my plan, too. I sometimes wonder if I'm depriving my daughter by not having her in daycare! Mommy guilt. That's what we have here.

Posted by: Sherry | June 04, 2008 at 02:49 PM

Ahhh, I love this site (and Moxie of course)!!! Thank you all for you advice and input! A few more points and answers to the questions that have been raised.

First, I scheduled my very first therapy session to see what is causing my extreme angst over this issue. I realize that this is something that I cannot do on my own.

The two themes that keep playing over and over in my head are "My son deserves better than this" and "Can I trust my day care provider?". When I first went back to work we had a Nanny. But she left only after 2 weeks because she found a family that could pay more and lived closer to her. We are scared to try this route again because we don't want to have to scramble to find a replacement should the same thing happen again. This is where my trust issues began.

My son is currently in a home based day care that when compared to the others I interviewed was BY FAR the best. Great neighborhood, her experience, clean house, great back yard, large indoor play area, fun/new toys, etc. When we interviewed this woman (and assistant) she said that although she could go up to 12 kids legally, she likes to keep it small--which was a HUGE requirement for us. When my son was enrolled there in Jan. there were just 3 part-time toddlers and 2 other infants. So, a few weeks ago when I visited during lunch, I found out that she had 6 babies and the 3 toddlers, and another baby will join in about 3 months. I was so shocked I actually cried in front of her (yikes). My heart sank and I thought to myself, 'My son deserves better than this'. Am I wrong in thinking that she should let the parents know that she decided to 'expand her business' as she phrased it with me??

Other example of a breech in trust --- On several occasions I asked her specifically NOT to put anything in my son's crib (this was when he was just starting to roll over). One day, she let it slip that he likes to play with the blanket and toy in his crib when he wakes up. WHAT!@#$*? She defended herself by saying that the other parents provide blankets for their babies and she didn't want him to be cold while he napped. Although I appreciate her concern for my son's comfort, I feel that she should have talked to me about it first. We provided her with a sleep sack and she should have been using that instead of a blanket. But I didn't make a big deal out of it because I didn't want to seem like a control freak.

Recently I've been interviewing other home day cares, but cannot seem to find one that is any better. In fact most are much worse.

I used to think that I didn't want to be a SAHM, didn't think I could handle it. Thought I would be bored and that I would not be 'fun' enough for the kid(s). However, now that I see how much FUN it is to be with my baby, I want to do it all of the time. I REALLY want more kids but I cannot stomach the idea of having another one, just to give it to someone else. I also have the fear that if we do manage for me to stay at home, that I'll regret doing it after being home for awhile. If there was a way I could try it for a month to see how it goes, I would try it. Don't think work would go for that though.

I have Friday's and weekends off. I am also able to pick him up early everyday so that we have 3 hours together before he goes to bed. His behavior does change on the weekends and it is for the better. But is that because he sleeps better at home (more restful naps because there aren't 5 other babies in the room) or because he is getting undivided attention from his parents? Both?

I try to think of scenarios....would I feel this anxious if it was my Mom watching him? No way!! I would still miss him a ton, but I would be relaxed in knowing that he is getting love and attention. I just don't like the idea of him being in a room with 5 other babies. How much attention can he really be getting? It is not a fear of 'missing milestones' because when I see him do something, it is always the first time...for me anyway. I think it is boiling down to trust issues and I don't know how I can overcome that.

Posted by: Julie | June 04, 2008 at 02:57 PM