Q&A: Neighbor stealing her nanny

I'm cranky about this comment trouble. But Alexis is even crankier:

"I have a neighbor (who thank god just moved away) who uses my full time nanny constantly for weekends and weeknights.  2 years ago, I invited her to share our nanny, as she had her first child.  Since then the mom has quit her job, and no longer needs regular care.  She did however, continue to use our house as "drop in day care" when she needed it for appointments or whatever.  For the most part, I deemed this acceptable because my oldest loves their oldest.  However, I now have 3 kids (3, 2, and 1 yrs) and that is a lot to handle.

I have spoken to both my nanny and the mom about how I am uncomfortable with how much my former neighbor asks our nanny to work.  This conversation was prompted because my nanny called my husband one day and said he needed him to come home because she had to go across the street!  What? 

Anyway, the mom is totally unresponsive to the fact that I would like to use my nanny on weekends, but I respect that she needs a break and has a life so I tend to not ask her.  When I expressed my discomfort specifically to the mom she said she thinks our nanny has every right to do what she wants and she(the mom) should be able to book her--that I need to just book her then.  They did move away, but not far sot the drop in stuff has stopped, but the other stuff has not.

This weekend, the former neighbors invited her on a weekend trip.  I actually realized this after she left, and  put two and two together that that is why she requested two days off from work from us.  I think she may have extended the weekend trip with her fiance, but I am just appalled that my former neighbor would consider booking my full time nanny for a weekend trip.  I would never in a million years book a friend's full-time nanny for a weekend.  Maybe if I was desperate and cleared it with my friend,but even then just maybe.

Well, my bind is I am extremely displeased with my neighbor, and now so with my nanny and do not know how to address either of them.  I am so mad, I don't know what to say, and I don't even know which of  my expectations are reasonable or which are not.  Please help."

My initial reaction was, "That's screwed up!" Because there are a ton of angles on it. On the one hand, this is a free market economy (for the majority of my readers), so the neighbor is free to hire whoever she wants, and the nanny is free to work for whoever she wants.

On the other hand, it sounds like the neighbor has just gone way too far. Using the nanny as an occasional babysitter seems reasonable to me (especially because it's hard to find a good babysitter, so if you only need one occasionally it's hardly even worth the search and reference checking, etc.). And maybe an occasional night or weekend when the neighbor knows for sure it wouldn't be infringing on the nanny's regular work schedule. But to take the nanny on a trip that would require her to ask for time off from her regular job? That's ridiculous and presumptuous.

On the third hand, what's the nanny thinking? In NYC, where it's a hirer's market for babysitters, the nanny would have been fired for double-timing and requesting days off from one family to work for another. Unless the nanny really doesn't want to work for Alexis anymore, and is pulling the old "I'm too cowardly to break up with her so I'll act like a jerk until she breaks up with me" ploy that works so well for 19-year-old boys.

Either way, I think some confrontation may be in order between Alexis and her nanny. Parameters need to be set about when the nanny can freelance. And if the nanny's not happy about that, then she needs to be honest and resign from working for Alexis.

As for the neighbor? Well, you could always sign her up for a bunch of new magazine subscriptions she doesn't want. If it were me I'd never say anything to the neighbor about it because I'm conflict-averse, but also because the neighbor clearly doesn't get that her behavior is inappropriate. It's hard to talk to someone  who doesn't have the same set of standards and values you do, so sometimes the best you can do is just let it go and move on. Since she doesn't live near Alexis anymore, Alexis never has to see her again, and can just refer to her as "remember that horrible woman who stole my nanny" from now on.

What do you guys think? Are you as scandalized as I was by the situation? It's the sneakiness of it all that upsets me most.

try clicking through to comments the regular way, but if that doesn't work, try this: http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/06/qa-neighbor-stealing-her-nanny.html?cid=117769662#comments

Comments

[Jen]

I'm not going to rehash all the points made but respond to just a couple:

"I don't think the mom would be this upset if her favorite take out place's chef was doing catering on the weekends, or if her accountant was taking home work from other people to make a little extra cash, so long as her business agreements with them were upheld."

True. But, with nannies, you put in a lot of work to vet someone and find someone you like and trust with your kids. And, turnover with a nanny can be disruptive with the kids, which causes stress on (already stressed) moms. So, it's different.

And, while I don't see a problem with the nanny in question freelancing for other families (esp if there were no parameters set early on as to expectations), I can understand this mom's feelings a little. Like I said, you advertise/search for a nanny, go through the vetting process and establish a relationship with someone for your kids. Things are fine. Then you help out a neighbor a few times. Then a few more. Then more. Then, pretty soon the encroaching on your days start (taking days off to help the other family or whatever it was). Is it technically allowable? Yes. But, did the other family take advantage of the work the original mom put into finding this woman, I think so. And, frankly, while you might not be able to say "no", I'd be a little PO'd, too. But, I guess this agrees with hush, perhaps the mom should have thought about that at the outset. You really can't unring some bells.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

I think the issue here is one of loyalty, trust and priorities. I think the freelancing is not as big of an issue as the underlying question of who is the nanny loyal to? Can you trust her? Is your family a priority for her? I was part-time nanny for two families concurrently for three years. Both families knew that I nannyed elsewhere and that I valued both jobs equally. The moms were also very understanding about working with each other, occasionally allowing me to switch days to accommodate trips and other special circumstances. But I would have never felt comfortable lying about taking time off from one family so I could go on a trip with the other family. And I would have never purposefully allowed one family to infringe on the other family's needs. So for me, it's not the fact that she works for two families, but rather that she isn't honest.

I also see this as an issue between the nanny and Alexis (employee and employer). The neighbor's behavior, while annoying, can't be changed.

I would approach her and tell her that you don't mind what she does in her off-time from you as long as she's honest with you about it. (You have to really mean this. Try to let go of your annoyance with your neighbor for "stealing" your nanny). Also emphasize that you need her to make your family (as her primary job) her first priority, which means not scheduling trips with other families that encroach on your schedule.

[Charisse]

Wait, was the neighbor once an equal partner in a nanny-share? While I think she's being a bit of a jerk in the conversations, my guess would be she sees herself as maintaining the kind of occasional relationship that a lot of people do with their former nannies who have moved on. In most such cases I know of, the current family has priority, but the nannies frequently sit for the former families.

Calling the dad to come home would be absolutely out of bounds if it was before the agreed end time; if it was after, well, it doesn't matter what commitment she was late for--the employer is in the wrong.

[j]

A friend of mine said something to me, long before I had gotten married: Never share you husband, your babysitter, or your maid. You'll lose a friend over it, every time.

[Laura]

I am stunned that someone feels that the nanny's free time is the employer's time. Unless you are paying for her time 24-7, she is free to do as she pleases - she can moonlight, she can go on vacation but choose to work on that vacation, she can take a job juggling flaming torches. Who cares? It is her life, not her employer's. I would be outraged if someone tried to treat me this way. I have an office job and there are certain things I signed an agreement not to do on the side, but unless there is something like that in writing, this employer has outrageous expectations. The only possibly valid point in this whole discussion is calling the husband to come home early. That is crossing the bounds unless she was there beyond her normal work hours, in which case it was totally reasonable.

[NannyOnTheBrink]

Dear Moxie,
A couple years ago I took a shared-nanny position with two families who were neighbors. They are having some kind of feud and I don't know what to do! Currently I am full time for one of the families and do some occasional babysitting with the other family. The full time family's mom seems really put out by this for some reason! She has never offered me any extra work so I don't know why she is so put out about the weekend hours. When I went on a weekend trip with the part-time family I came back and the full-time family's mom was muttering something about "checking with me first" and "poaching my nanny" and "dibs", though she didn't actually say anything to me. Also, they seem to have trouble getting home on time. To me 6 is the end of the day but I think she thinks it's more open, which is beginning to interfere with my other jobs. I am saving for my wedding so the I need both the full-time work and the extra money, but I am worried that these two women will kill each other and I will have no jobs at all. What should I do???
Desperately,

Nanny

[Beth]

Everyone is talking about the nanny taking two days off to go on a trip with the neighbors but I think Alexis actually says she spent the two days with her fiance? Yeah, Team Nanny for me, too. I think Alexis' expectations are unreasonable.

[Julie]

I am sooo late to this conversation (took 2 days off work to go out of town - hee hee - DON'T SHOOT ME!!!!)

I think there are lots of people out there who are socially clueless. the neighbor sounds like one of them. They are annoying, but everywhere, so Moxie's advice was good - be annoyed, but not much you can do about it but move forward.

As for the nanny - I think Hedra's last post made the most sense to me......technically, the nanny can do whatever she wants - even take a couple days off to work for another family. It's the emotional aspect of it that confuses things....PLUS the pain in the ass to have to line up substitute care for your kids.

Which is why, I guess, public school systems have such an elaborate substitute teacher system. So that when a teacher is out, someone is there to step in. And yes, often it's just a warm body....but one that has been vetted (and fingerprinted by the FBI). Teachers (like nannies) can take days off to go out of town whenever they want to.

** if anyone is interested in another cash cow of an idea....a nanny substitute system where nannies could phone in and a substitute would be assigned to fill in for them - vetted and fingerprinted and everything!**

It's the sneakiness of it all, the feeling like the neighbor is trying to "pull one over on you" and may possibly be in cahoots with the nanny in pulling one over on you....plus the fact that Alexis might have been left high and dry re: childcare for those 2 days.....which is just awful regardless of whether the nanny used her sick days or not.

But really, the problem is with the neighbor, not the nanny.

[lee]

Julie...I live outside of Boston and someone has started your business idea.

It's called Parents in a Pinch and from my experience, most of the sitters are nannies without full-time employment at the moment.

I just wish they had come up with a better name.

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[Sam]

How dare you tell her to retaliate by signing up the neighbor for magazines she doesn't want. What a coward you are.

[air max 2009]

Nevertheless, amidst the intrigues of a Court, and the affairs of his exalted employment (Because of bribery and extortion he was sentenced by the House of Lords to pay a fine of about four hundred thousand French livres