Review of The Stay-At-Home Survival Guide by Melissa Stanton. This is a Mothertalk review, which means they sent me the book and I get an Amazon gift certificate for putting up a review.
I loved this book. There are a couple books I recommend without reservation, and this is one of them. I don't think you'll get much out of it if you're not a SAH parent and don't plan to be one, but if you are or have been or want to be or are planning to be a SAH mother, you will get something out of this book.
The first strength of this book is that the author had a big career, then was home for a year with her first child, went back to work more-than-full-time for a few years, and is not back at home with her (now) three kids (including a set of twins, one of whom has special needs). So she's seen the gig from a lot of different angles. There were things I took for granted about being at home before I went back, and I know I'd have a different view of being at home now if I could go back to thatom and I think the book does a good job of picking out things that are unique to the at-home gig, but also universal to at-home moms.
The second strength of this book is that it hits the correct topics. The central tension of being at home, IME, is that tug-of-war between wanting to be with your kids all the time and feeling like you're missing something by being at home. (I think the flip side is the central tension of WOH--being out in the working world, but feeling like you're missing something with your kids.) And that's one of the central themes of this book. It is not at all one of those "yes it can be tough but SAH moms are riding along on a cloud of rainbows raising the future of the world" books. It acknowledges that there are many reasons women stay home to care for their children, and that sometimes it's not because that's what they'd choose if the choice was really possible. It gives equal weight to the joy and also the tedious nature of being at home, and discusses the very real sacrifices women make to stay home.
The chapter on finances, in particular, is strong. I've seen other things about finances for SAHM, and they all seem to be about how to economize on paper towels to stretch your family's money. Stanton's chapter on SAHM finances stresses knowing what your finances are, different ways of dividing the labor and responsibility of keeping track of money, and making sure you are not left in the lurch if your partner dies or you separate.
Another big theme of the book is laying on the table the idea that being a SAHM sometimes ends up being a 24/7 job, and one that your partner devalues because you aren't contributing any money. That's something that causes tons of pain for lots of women (as seen in the comments on yesterday's post here, for example), and there doesn't seem to be an answer. The right thing, clearly, is for a partner to look around and realize that forcing one person to be on duty all the time while the other's work hours are limited to 40-60 hours a week is patently ridiculous. But there are still partners out there who seem to think that they deserve a break while their wives do not. Stanton doesn't have an answer for that (neither do I, for that matter), but she discusses it and gives examples and commentary from a bunch of SAH women on the way it works in their households.
This book doesn't tell you what to do (except to keep your resume updated). It explores the light side and the dark side emotionally and logistically of being at home with your kids. It gives a bunch of data points. It doesn't blow smoke up your skirt about how great it is, or how horrible it is. It acknowledges that you're a person--not just a role, not "just" a mother, not just a political demographic. In short, it's a lot like you guys do for each other here.
Now for the bad parts: Honestly, I only have a couple of teeny minor points with this book: She uses the word "gal" a lot, she assumes most SAHMs have cars, and the only reason she acknowledges for divorce is adultery. (It seems like I know half a dozen women getting divorced right now at the same time I am, and only two of them--neither of them me--has adultery as a factor in the divorce.) But those are really, really minor points, and I'm only mentioning them so you know I actually read the book. Overall, I thought The Stay-At-Home Survival Guide took on the major emotional topics involved in being a SAH parent. I highly recommend it for anyone considering doing it or who's in the middle of it right now.
Out of curiosity, did it acknowledge/raise the possibility that the SAH parent isn't always going to be the mother? My husband is the one who stays home in our family, and I find it a shame that that's a possibility that seems to be so rarely considered, and that nearly everything written about the SAH vs. WOH dilemma seems to assume that it's a dilemma entirely for women because the possibility of the man taking some time off is just so way out that it doesn't even merit passing mention as an option. (Sorry - just my hot-button-topic rant for the day.)
Posted by: Sarah V. | June 13, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Sarah, it's mentioned. But I think Stanton addresses the reality, which is that far more SAH parents are women than men. She specifically mentions that in her family they considered having her husband SAH, but looked at the career stuff (path plus earning potential for each of them) and decided for her to.
I think SAH has to be different for men, if only because of the different ideas about financial contributions. A man who stays home with his kids is always going to be looked at as "giving up" to stay with the kids, so therefore his contributions will be valued. Women, OTOH, are "supposed" to do it, so their contributions just aren't as valued.
Posted by: Moxie | June 13, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Does the book discuss strategies when one parent wants to stay at home and the other parent is not 100% supportive of this?
I'm facing this issue right now and could really use some good outside perspective.
Posted by: stacy | June 13, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Does the book discuss strategies when one parent wants to stay at home and the other parent is not 100% supportive of this?
I'm facing this issue right now and could really use some good outside perspective.
Posted by: stacy | June 13, 2008 at 11:59 AM
RE: Addressing SAHDs vs. SAHMs, I think they usually address women because women are more likely to buy a book like this.
RE: The issue of an outside-the-home 40-hour workweek vs. a stay-at-home 24/7 job, this is how I think it would be in a perfect world. In a perfect world, we would assume that your job is whatever you do 9-to-5(ish) Monday through Friday. So either your job is staying home taking care of the family/household, or your job is something you get paid for. Outside of the 9-to-5 M-F timeframe, the responsibility to take care of the family/household should be divided 50/50. So, in a traditional SAHM household, the dad would be out earning money at his job from 9 to 5, while the mom takes care of things on the homefront. Come 5:00, though, they should share the household/childcare duties 50/50. The same goes for the weekend.
Notice I said "in a perfect world." Obviously I'm not there, because as I confessed Wednesday, I can't even get my husband out of bed before 9:30. And there are about a million factors that muddy the waters in a 50/50 chore split.
Posted by: Shannon | June 13, 2008 at 12:05 PM
I just finished this book about two hours ago! I looked it up on Amazon when you mentioned it last week, Moxie, and ordered it. For once I've read the book you're talking about!
I totally agree with all your points (especially the 'gal' thing, tee hee!)I don't live in America, so the chapter on money was quite confusing and if i'll admit it, very scary as well. My husband has a very good job, but we pay off a big school loan for him every month so not a lot of saving gets done. This is one of the things I don't like about being a SAHM (not bringing in physical money), but childcare here (Ireland) is so expensive that in a roundabout way I am saving us a freaking fortune!
I fell pregnant directly after finishing my Masters, therefore I haven't really had a chance to put those qualifications to use, which is one way that I felt a bit different from Stanton. It was very interesting to see motherhood from the perspective of a woman with a well established career, because it shows that very similar issues affect mothers regardless of when they begin their 'stay-at-home' career.
One thing I loved was her ideas on volunteering. I never gave this much thought as a way of keeping your skills growing all the time. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you'll never get back into the things you are interested in, which is a bit pathetic when you are only 25!
For Stacy, she does have some good comments about dealing with negativity and condescension towards SAHMs. There are wide range of experiences documented here which I'm sure you could find something to identify with.
It was a bit simplistic at times and I felt like I could have done with 'more' somehow on occasion, but it was a good easy read, even with a toddler to entertain at the same time.
She deals with a lot of identity issues and problems with isolation and loneliness which I think is good. I'd give it a 7 out of 10.
Posted by: zimbabweanjen | June 13, 2008 at 12:21 PM
@Shannon- I agree with you. But I just want to say that you can have a roughly 50-50 split without having a 50-50 split on every individual thing. I think I've posted before that some of the best relationship advice I ever got was to remember that it doesn't have to be 50-50 on every thing, every time. It has to even out to 50-50 on average. It is OK if one partner does all of the gardening if the other partner does enough of some other chore to even it out. On childcare, my philosophy has been that we have to have a fairly equitable split of the not so fun stuff (nasty diapers, getting up when you'd rather be sleeping, cleaning up the floor after the toddler throws her entire dinner down there...) but that it is OK that I change most of the poopy diapers because Hubby has a weak stomach, since he almost always cleans up the disaster zone after feeding. Besides, poop doesn't gross me out the way it does him. It is also really important to me that we are both involved in parenting decisions, and both have playtime with Pumpkin. But we each have different strengths in those departments, so it is OK if we don't split researching parenting decisions 50-50 (for instance).
Once I really accepted this philosophy, I found that Hubby and I argue less about chores, and that we both actually do pull our weight on the home front. Whoever is getting out of bed when they don't want to still grumbles at the time, but that grumbling is forgotten in the morning, and we are careful not to let a feeling of inequality fester. If I think I'm getting the short end of the stick on the night wakings, we talk about it and figure out what we can do to re-equilibrate.
Of course, we are both working full time, so we don't have the added issue of the risk of the working spouse devaluing the stay at home work. However, I know that this sort of arrangement is possible for couples where one spouse stays at home, too. I have a colleague whose wife stays home, and he and I seem to have similar "home chores" arrangements. He also truly believes that he has the easier daytime job of the two of them.
Posted by: Cloud | June 13, 2008 at 12:27 PM
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
Interesting article in the NTY about "shared parenting." I'm a full-time WOH. My husband and I are in the same industry, working for different companies. We basically have the same position as far as seniority, responsiblity, etc.
So something this article really hit home for me was that the wife's job is seen by BOTH spouses as being more flexible than the husband's. I kept resenting that my husband viewed my job as more flexible. I didn't realize I was thinking the same thing. Good things to be aware of.
Posted by: ada | June 13, 2008 at 12:57 PM
@Shannon: I think that even a 50/50 post-work split can be unfair to a SAHM. When I get home from work, my wife is pretty much ready to hand me the keys to the child as soon as I walk in the door, which seems pretty reasonable to me. 9 hours straight is an awful long time to contend with a toddler by yourself. Now, one important factor is that I have a white-collar job which doesn't leave me physically or mentally drained at the end of the day; I could see how somebody who has an extremely demanding day job might look at this differently.
But I have a hunch that most working dads, as a rule, have a heck of a lot more in the tank at the end of the day than SAHMs do (especially with younger children) and should behave accordingly.
Posted by: Chilly | June 13, 2008 at 01:18 PM
@ada, Thanks for the link - good article. I wonder where we'd fall, since DH has always done the bulk of the housework (dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.).
@Chilly, I agree - there's the assumption that they deserve time off (and mom doesn't, because, well, mothering comes naturally or something). Add in a bit higher odds that dad is an introvert who has spent the day around people and more people... and then you start to see real weight on the 'walk in the door and go hide' thing.
My DH is an introvert (who was SAHD for a while, so has good perspective) who needs TIME when he gets home before he can cope with children flinging themselves at him effectively. So, we've got it worked out that he's 'not really here' until he's changed and has come back downstairs. That gives him a few minutes to transition, which makes all the difference between being able to pick up the weight and not being able to. 15-20 minutes at home is the minimum margin, 30-40 would be ideal but rarely happens (kids don't watch the clock, DADDY'S HOME!).
So that's in there, too. Just tweaking how the transition functions makes an immense difference for us. At the moment, though, we're both working, so it isn't so much 'I'll take them off your hands' as wrangling the tasks of the moment as a dialog.
Posted by: hedra | June 13, 2008 at 02:07 PM
I think the hardest thing about working full time and being a mom to a preschooler is the fact that often, it feels like I am working TWO jobs. As a teacher, we get a lot of vacations - 2 weeks in the winter, 2 weeks in the spring and about 2 months in the summer. Let me tell you...."vacation" it is not. It often feels like anytime I am not working at school, I am expected to work my *other* full-time job instead.
My husband tries to help, and if I were to write down how everything splits, it would be pretty even if you took into consideration things around the house that need to be done. But the split of childcare during the hours when I'm not working at school? Not really 50-50. More like 85-15. But we talk about it a lot, my husband knows how I feel and he *does* try to give me time here and there when his schedule permits (he is a real estate agent, so he pretty much works 7 days a week too).
Shannon, I feel for you. I hope you can figure out something that will feel okay to you. Know that someday - in the far, distant future - you will be begging your child to wake up at a reasonable hour. And then.....imagine all the wonderful "alone time" you will have while your husband and kids sleep away the day.
Posted by: Julie | June 13, 2008 at 03:20 PM
Would you recommend it for work at home parents? My husband and I both work full time from home with no help for childcare and I can not find any support (in the form of books, internet groups, etc) that fit our situation.
Posted by: Jenn | June 13, 2008 at 04:23 PM
@Chilly, I agree. I need a break more after a day with Pumpkin than after even a hard day at work.
For those of you whose partners don't realize that, have you tried scheduling an all day event some weekend day, and having your partner have a full day with the kid(s)? My hubby was always on board with the idea of splitting the work part of child rearing evenly, but he only really got how hard my days at home were (during my maternity leave) when I had a full day conference when Pumpkin was about 6 weeks old, and he had a whole day of child care with no one to help.
I like the idea Moxie had (maybe during yesterday's post?) to have some of the clued in partners write a "here's how not to be a jerk" book. It would make a great shower gift....
Posted by: Cloud | June 13, 2008 at 04:26 PM
I saw that NY Times article yesterday. I think that it is interesting (and in my case, oh so true) that women often undermine the 50/50 split by having higher "the task is done" standards than their husbands. That's why I do the vacuuming, for instance, 'cause back when I left it to my husband, the dust bunnies simply went into exile behind the nearest door. Behind the different standard are different cultural expectations, and the fact that women unfortunately tend to measure themselves against the perfection of their housekeeping more than men do.
Yet in our family, there are plenty of things that my husband does because experience has shown that he does it better than I do. Fridge inventory, for example: if it were left to me, things would be forgotten in there until they evolved legs and crawled out on their own.
After reading that article, I realized just how lucky I am to have a husband who naturally picks up half the tasks, who didn't just step up to the plate immediately after my son's birth but continues to contribute now almost a year later. It seems to me that a lot of dads are willing to pinch hit for a month or two when the baby arrives, but they don't quite get that it isn't a temporary gig.
(This was driven home for me today when I had to drag all the recycling down to the basement of our apartment building by myself because he's out of town. Sounds easy. Takes a good thirty minutes.)
At the moment he does the morning routine with our 11 month old, since he works five minutes from home and can take the time to fight battles with plastic spoons and blueberry yogurt. The other end of the deal is that he gets to come home a half an hour earlier and just hang out and read before I pick up the little guy at the nanny's.
Having recently gone back to work four days a week after nine months of maternity leave, I see my job as a bit of a break from it all (!!!). My days at work are less demanding but less rewarding than that Wednesday at home. And my husband understands that, thankfully, and is ready to take him off my hands for a little while when he comes home.
Posted by: Parisienne Mais Presque | June 13, 2008 at 04:35 PM
@Moxie & @Shannon - Oh, I've no problem with books reflecting the reality that most SAH parents are women. But so many sources just seem completely to ignore the *possibility* of it being the man who stays home. It's discussed as entirely the woman's dilemma. I was curious as to whether this book was one of the ones that talked that way, and am glad to know it isn't.
@Julie - *Thank you!* I know your last comment wasn't directed at me, but thank you anyway. Damn, I like the sound of that. ;-)
Posted by: Sarah V. | June 13, 2008 at 05:01 PM
Hello Moxie:
Thank you for posting your review of my book on Amazon. I came upon it today. Thanks, too, for reading the book and sharing it with your fans. In answer to one post I saw on your site: While a SAHD could relate to much in this book, since my publisher, Seal Press, specializes in books "for women, by women," what I wrote is targeted to women, and to focus even more, to women who have left the workforce entirely (or nearly entirely) to care for kids. However, I agree, SAHDs could use a book like this, written by someone who is living it.
Posted by: Melissa Stanton | June 13, 2008 at 05:06 PM
Moxie, thanks for reviewing this book. I am a SAHM who completed one career before embarking on the parenting one, which does seem like a career, given all the research and work it involves. I was a physician, so I am used to terrible hours, interrupted sleep, and unreasonable requests (during those terrible hours and interrupted sleep). My husband works outside the house, but before we started even thinking of family (and we were older even then), we made sure we were going to be ready for what it would bring. I'm also fairly frugal (I like to call it minimalist) by nature, so financially I was ready to be home.
So preparation helped? Not to say that this makes things any easier to deal with a 2 year old screaming bloody murder in her stroller to get out for 10 blocks because she's really hot, wants you to carry her 30 pound weight, and you've run out of drinks and food on a hot day. But I digress.
Posted by: brooklynmama | June 14, 2008 at 08:37 AM
@Cloud: the idea of an all day weekend thing should pretty much be mandatory. Even if you think you're clued in, taking care of kids without any help at all is a real consciousness-raising session. And it probably needs to happen more than once.
Posted by: Chilly | June 14, 2008 at 09:08 PM
I'm a SAHM and an artist, so technically I was "staying at home" even before I had a child. My husband does 50/50 childcare with me on nights and weekends when he isn't working as an executive at a large company. He also does the laundry (if only because he does a much better job than me.) But it isn't a perfect system. We still run into problems. (He seems to be the one waking up at night with the baby and I seem to be the one who does most of the stuff on the weekends) but I like the idea that 50/50 is not a daily but overall total.
It's funny, there are family members who say "oh, finally you've found something to do with your time" (like my artistic life is just a hobby or diversion) and there are friends who don't have kids who say "how lucky you get to stay at home and take care of the baby while you work on your art." HA! I have to squeeze it in during naps and after the baby has gone to bed. Not a lot of time to get into one's art groove! (Needless to say, the housework suffers. Badly.) Someone even said "Oh my husband works from home, too, so he'll be the one to watch the kid when we have one." I said, "Taking care of the baby is a full-time job. He probably won't be able to do both without some outside help." She still doesn't believe me.
I want to hire a house cleaner, and my husband would love it if we did, but the truth is, I feel guilty even considering it. Like I should be able to do it all. Society seems to devalue both art and mothering as real work, and all too often I fall into the trap and think "what am I doing with my life?" Then I come to this blog and get reminded. I'm working my ass off!
Gloria Steinem says it's important for mothers to give birth not only to their children, but to themselves. I try to remember that this is what I'm trying to do. Thank god my husband helps as much as he does around the house. Otherwise this would be impossible for me.
Posted by: jessica star | June 15, 2008 at 12:01 PM
As a stay at home dad, I find it quite odd the reactions I receive from people. It's true, I get more credit for doing things housemums do all the time simply because I'm a man.
(As this UK newspaper article shows:
http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/you/article-1025494/When-daddy-domestic-god.html )
On the other hand, there's plenty of conflicting expectation. I feel societal pressure from both my gender and my role.
I've tried to explain it here:
http://www.dadsdinner.com/Handbook/Other_People.html
Still, plenty of the issues faced by housedads are the same as for housemums.
Posted by: DadsDinner | June 15, 2008 at 08:34 PM
Dave, I love your post. I can only imagine what it must be like. My (introvert) husband thinks that he'd love it, but with both of my kids as major extroverts, they'd exhaust him.
Moxie, I've just ordered that book (Amazon prime gets me to buy all kinds of things I might not have otherwise). But really, I need it. I went back onto an antidepressant (Effexor XR) on Saturday even after it was so hellish to discontinue last time. I feel...GOOD. My husband has transformed into a less-annoying person (amazing how that happens when *I* am not irritable. Anyway, looking forward to reading this book. I still hope to do an online grad program starting in either September or December, but fact is, I'm an extrovert who needs time with others. Perhaps Stanton will have advice I can apply to keep myself sane!
Hedra, thanks for the thoughts about the alone-time for an introvert husband. I'm not sure how we'll make that work around here, but I definitely need to consider it.
Posted by: Allison | June 16, 2008 at 01:12 AM
@Jessica star, re: the housekeeping stuff. I found a good option was to have every-other week housekeeping as your step-in. It offloads some of the grungier tasks, plus requires a complete pickup of clutter (or at least near-complete) to give them the space to work. Since it's not weekly, you can get some satisfaction from doing anything you do yourself the rest of the time, and since it's not less often than that, you can keep a slump from sliding downhill into a crisis, too.
Best of both worlds. :) And once you get used to it, you can decided more clearly (having already processed the transition part) whether to do it more often. Nice reality-check version of the function, rather than dealing with the anxiety and social/internal pressures version without actual concrete experience with it.
Posted by: hedra | June 16, 2008 at 09:23 AM
@DadsDinner, that was a great post. I remember the puzzled looks when my DH said he was quitting to stay home. There were so many who said, 'you conna be working from home, or what?' and then the complete shutdown when he said his job would be taking care of his child. Period.
Fortunately, our social group has a few dads who stay or stayed home for at least a year. So while they had to model off each other in near-real-time, there were enough of them that there is now a sense that if some couple has a baby, one wonders which parent will stay home (if either). We've lost the assumption that it will be the mom. Which is really kind of nice.
Posted by: hedra | June 16, 2008 at 09:34 AM
Love the housecleaner ! Worth every penny! She comes every 2 weeks. I'd like her to come more often, but every week seems like too much. Maybe every 10 days?
To be fair, we also have a yard service. So hubby doesn't spend his time doing that.
Sounds like we have a lot of money, but we don't. In the time it would take hubby to properly do the yard, he can make a lot more working his business.
If money is tight, look for college students to work in your yard, or to clean your house.
He works at home, but works a LOT more than 9-5. I work at home too. We try to trade off, but when he's in a crunch I take up the slack.
Posted by: Tracy | June 16, 2008 at 12:03 PM
@hedra, my slump is certainly sliding! :) Love the every other week idea. Thanks for the suggestion.
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There were discussions «pro and against» this soft, but I downloaded it and explored for about half an hour and left it in automatic mode till morning. What I found in the morning was 250WM.
But use this soft shrewdly, admins in casinos do not welcome these things.
Soft:
http://fff.to/19G
Mirror 1:
http://fff.to/19H
Mirror 2:
http://fff.to/19I
pass for the arch: 123
customized for http://headortail.com
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