Q&A: weaning earlier than you want to

Second half of yesterday's post, on negotiating things with your mother, is getting bumped for this cry for help. Kirsten writes:

"I am sorry to be so pushy, but I am in a desperate, time sensitive nursing situation. My 13 month old who has been the nursingest baby ever got a cold, started teething and went on a 100% nursing strike. I have been working with a LC and am doing EVERYTHING I can. I have always had a meager supply and take Reglan and I don't let down well for the pump, so even though I have a hospital grade Lactina, I am still only pumping about 6-7 oz. per day. I know I am going to lose my supply soon. The baby, I hate to admit, is no closer to getting back on the breast that she was a week ago, she just get furious whenever she sees a boob anywhere in the vicinity. I wake her up in the night to catch her sleepy, I try in different places/positions/noise levels. People keep saying that it is unnatural to wean this young, but it also feels unnatural that I am forcing my will on someone who seems to very much know that she wants no part of breastfeeding at this point. We are on day 9 of the strike. I wanted to nurse at least another year. I feel guilty, rejected and sad. What do I do?

It would mean the world to me if you would respond and allow other mothers to comment to my dilemma. My supply is only going to hold on another few days."

Who are these jackasses who are telling you it's "unnatural" to wean this young? All other things being equal, if you lived in a tribal society 500 years ago your baby would probably still be nursing*. But, realistically, what control do you have over 1) a nursing strike that sounds serious, and 2) your supply?

Until we figure out if there's anything we can do to reverse the effects of all the plastics and other things in our environment that are screwing with women's supplies on a large scale, we all just need to back away from the guilt.

And, seriously, how much control can you have over a baby? If you're working with a knowledgeable LC who knows all the tricks to help babies and moms through nursing strikes, and it's not working, then it looks like it's your time.

FWIW, I think a majority of us are conflicted about the weaning process, no matter how old our babies are. Two weeks, two years, three years...you always feel like you should be doing more. You wean and your baby gets a cold or ear infection the next week, and you think it's you. Heck, my mom still feels bad that I weaned myself at 16 months or so--she'd wanted to nurse until two years. But you know what, 34 years later, we're both healthy and happy and still close to each other.

Anyone who's been through a rough nursing strike, who didn't nurse as long as she wanted to, who wasn't able to nurse at all, or has at any point felt disappointed in how things went with their baby or toddler, show some love, please.

* Or someone else in your tribe would be nursing your baby for you.

Comments

[Colleen]

as a wise mom told me when I was fretting over a forced weaning a couple months ago, "it's ok...you did good, mama!"

I was all upset and panicked, too, but realized that when he's done, he's done and he'll be okay. Since I always had to supplement with formula, I knew he'd be fine on it. Emotionally it was hard. Give yourself a little time to grieve, but you did your best and it was more than good enough and you stuck with it longer than a lot of woman can. (mine was at 7.5 months) You did good. {{hugs}}

(son had the flu and refused to nurse; also had poor/sensitive supply; also on Reglan for a few months; had ok letdown with pump, but only got 2 ounces over 20-30 min pumping session)

Also, have a slight issue with "all the plastics and other things in our environment that are screwing with women's supplies". My mother had supply issues with both my brother and I 30+years ago; my grandmother had supply issues 50+ years ago. There are some women who have breasts that are slower to fill-up and/or have smaller holding tanks. It's even on LaLeche league's site. I, and my mother and grandmother before me, were stuck with models that had both "defects". My grandmother grew up on a farm in a farming community...there wasn't much she was exposed to that wasn't "natural". So all you low-supply mamas out there, don't fret too much about what you've eaten or where you live or that you drink out of plastic cups. We've got a lot more to worry about with our kids, nu? :)

[Colleen]

anonymous | May 20, 2008 at 10:31 AM ,

those ladies who made you feel bad about your BF'ing challenges aren't your friends. A true friend would support you in your decision to do what was best for you and your baby. Even though it's hard, try to disregard those negative remarks from them and know that you did the best for your baby.

[Heather]

Paola, I have a little string bean of a child myself, also hovering around third percentile, and he didn't START eating until 13 months, at which point it was a taste here and a taste there. I have seen so few instances of pushing food on a child that turned out well. We went with the philosophy of, It's our job to choose WHAT he eats--offer healthy stuff. But it's HIS job to choose HOW MUCH.

You could try avoiding a feeding and offering food first to see if that makes him more interested in solids. But honestly I found it reassuring with my son that if he wasn't getting so much that what he WAS getting was breast milk.

Is he basically healthy and gaining and active? My advice is to watch for chances to offer solids, watch what he likes and provide it, but otherwise let it go. Because to my mind the danger of interfering with his natural inclination is much greater than the danger of letting his appetite guide him. Once food becomes a battleground, it is very difficult for him to recover a normal (eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full) perspective.

For someone more authoritative than me :) look at the book _My Child Won't Eat_ for reassurance.

OP, guilt implies you did something wrong, but I guess I am in the minority that thinks it's okay to grieve so fast and unexpected a weaning.

[kate d.]

I really feel for you with this. My son was an avid eater, but three times when he was under one, I contacted a virus which led to horrid dehydration and my milk supply going down to 2-4 oz during pumping. I had to supplement with formula during these times. Each time, my son did not want to breastfeed for almost 2 weeks, as he would yield almost nothing. SO, I pumped every two hours (very painful when you have nothing in there!), drank a small glass of dark beer every night, drank sufficient fluids, and always put my babe on the breast first when he was hungry (even if only for a few moments). Each of those times, I cried a lot thinking that the breastfeeding was over, remembering how I took for granted all of those night where I 'just' had to wake up and offer the boob. I did get my milk supply back each time, and I weaned him at age three when I was pregnant again. That being said, I so very much agree with the previous posters about the individuality of each child. When they wean, when they consolidate sleep at night, when they potty train...it is different for each one. Generalizations about when something should happen with a child are vagueries that need not trouble you. I initiated the weaning, but it was still hard and full of not knowing if it was really the best, perfect, ideal, exact time that we should be doing it. So for what it is worth, for me that parting no matter when it happens is a toughie.

[rebecca]

Monkeybaby is 14 months and is down to maybe 2-3 short nursing sessions a day. Mostly they are just part of the snuggle. He kind of stopped all together and then got sick and things started back up again for comfort. It was killing me that he seemed to be weaning at a year old.

I don't have a ton to add EXCEPT, several people at the time said "well you've done it for a year, it's probably time" and that just really made me cranky. So, no disrespect meant to the people who have said that here, but it really didn't make me feel better. Plus hormones go wonky when you're weaning.

So, it will suck to wean if BFing is something you enjoy no matter what. I think Hedra mentioned having a good cry. I'm all about mourning losses even if it's in small ways. Write a letter to your baby, plant a tree, do whatever you do to mark changes. And know that you have done a great thing for your baby.

None of the numbers or statistics help emotionally (for me). Having this child is the most intensely emotional thing I have ever experienced (daily). And BFing is a really direct way to say "I love you" for me. And it felt like a channel of communication was closing.

I'm blathering, but it has just been a big emotional marker for me. I feel your angst. Take care of yourself, you're a great mom.

[Meika]

Kirsten, you probably don't need any more affirmation here, but I think you're right on target when you feel a little strange about forcing your will on another little person like this. (Not that that's always bad; we do have to guide our kids, after all, and my daughter protests pretty fiercely when I force her to not run into the street.) But each kid is different, and I think it's entirely possible that your child is just ready to move on. In my experience, I'm guessing that supply probably has something to do with that, but that so often seems to be beyond our control.

My daughter self-weaned at nine months, and I know! It's not possible at that age! But it sure looked like that in my house. :) I'm sure that there were a number of contributing factors, but she flatly and very vehemently refused the breast and never looked back.

The one thing I found that helped ME was to find something else I could do with her to kind of replace that nice bonding time. We'd been doing EC (infant pottying) with her a bit, and I found that doing that "activity" together really helped me feel like I was still connected to her. And as difficult as it was at the time, she's a happy, healthy little girl and the sting of that early weaning has mostly gone six months later.

[Pippi]

Everyone else has said it for me: be proud of yourself!! If you want to keep trying go ahead -- that's great, but if it's interfering with your sanity or hurting your relationship with your child stop without the guilt. You will nurture and show your child love and affection in so many ways besides nursing in the years to come. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of this part of motherhood, but it's a new beginning as well. If you do wean, make sure you do something nice for yourself to celebrate the passage.

And if anyone looks down at you, tell them to take a hike. Your nursing relationship is none of their business.

[katie]

My first daughter weaned herself abruptly at 13 months, too. If you'd asked me 2 days before she stopped, I would have said that she was going to nurse for years. Now she's 6 and between my 2 kids, I'm learning that they want to be big and they want to grow up and they have their own time table. So, trust your instincts that your sweet baby is done. And, it's sad, too, of course, but having gone through a mommy-imposed weaning with my second child, I am so grateful for my first child's choice to stop. I really felt like, at least when it came to nursing, I gave her everything she needed--she was ready. Try to remind yourself of how much nurturing you have given. This is our job--to take care of them so well that they don't need us to take care of them anymore. Pathetic--I'm weepy, now, too.

When it comes to eating, in general, I highly recommend Child of Mine: Feeding Your Child with Love and Good Sense by Ellyn Satter. I'm not as strict with scheduling as she is, but of all of the parenting advice books I've read, this was the single most effective one for me--I feel like following her advice definitely made a difference for the better.

Good luck.

[katie]

My first daughter weaned herself abruptly at 13 months, too. If you'd asked me 2 days before she stopped, I would have said that she was going to nurse for years. Now she's 6 and between my 2 kids, I'm learning that they want to be big and they want to grow up and they have their own time table. So, trust your instincts that your sweet baby is done. And, it's sad, too, of course, but having gone through a mommy-imposed weaning with my second child, I am so grateful for my first child's choice to stop. I really felt like, at least when it came to nursing, I gave her everything she needed--she was ready. Try to remind yourself of how much nurturing you have given. This is our job--to take care of them so well that they don't need us to take care of them anymore. Pathetic--I'm weepy, now, too.

When it comes to eating, in general, I highly recommend Child of Mine: Feeding Your Child with Love and Good Sense by Ellyn Satter. I'm not as strict with scheduling as she is, but of all of the parenting advice books I've read, this was the single most effective one for me--I feel like following her advice definitely made a difference for the better.

Good luck.

[Amanda]

Emily, if you are still out there--

I was/am you. Everything that you wrote happened to me with my son. All of it. We started supplementing with formula at one month but I kept nursing all that I could. Now, at 18 months he is still nursing! He was half-and-half breastmilk and formula from 1 month to 12 months.

My failure now feels like a victory and he is healthy as can be.

Any breastfeeding is still breastfeeding. Think of the supplements (if you still need them) as top-offs and a rounding out of your child's nutrition. She'll be getting the good stuff in even a little bit of your milk (antibodies included) and WILL get the benefit.

I know it is difficult now. But it will get better. I really do understand.

[lisa]

I had plans of nursing until two, but when my daughter approached 13 months it became clear that the nursing was more aggravation than it was worth for either of us. She would become so worked up about it that she couldn't calm down, then she started biting me, etc. I decided to 'try' weaning her over one weekend to see what happened. She weaned, and we never looked back. I kept her on the bottle until 18 months, and things were much more relaxed and happy in our house.

I was sad about weaning, especially because all of my mom friends had nursed until 2 or 3 years, so I felt like a bit of a failure. But the difference in our level of happiness was dramatic.

I think extended breastfeeding is great--as long as baby an mom are both happy with it, but not any longer than that.

[Cassie]

@ Nut Mommy and Sherry, if you're still checking back in here:

First off, Moxie had a post a while back about weaning around 12 months that might be useful for both of you (if I remember correctly, Moxie suggested a partial weaning plan -- at any rate, there were some good tips):

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2007/12/qa-weaning-or-n.html

And second, both of you are probably going through fussy stages: 12 months and 13/14 months are both wonder week-y -- my boy b-fed pretty much constantly throughout that period -- and I mean constantly -- sometimes every 20 minutes! Ack. That sort of craziness can make you really, really want to wean, but it does calm down after you get through the fussy stage and then you feel less like the whole b-feeding thing is making you want to poke your own eyes out.

Having said that, if either of your little ones is showing *less* interest now, and you're really wanting to wean, don't feel pressured to keep it up -- a year is waaaay longer than many people I know have made it to (and not all of those of us who have gone longer love it all the time -- I'd be the first to admit that it is really exhausting and draining and sometimes I just want my body back). Good luck to both of you!

[Em]

My baby is 9 months old, and 2 days ago, he started refusing to breast feed. He is usually nursed 5-6 times per day, but will not even so much as latch on to my breast! I'm am having a horrible time with this and feel so heart broken. This isn't the way I want to quit nursing. I rented a hospital grade pump, and am trying to keep up my supply. He rarely has had bottles in the past, so I am trying to stick with sippy cups and cups when I give him breast milk. He isn't taking them so well though....I went to the Dr. with him to rule out thrush and an ear infection, and the Dr. said he has a sore throat. I am PRETTY sure that is the reason why, but it has been two days now, and I'm afraid he will try to just wean completely now. I will try it for two weeks before I give up. Several days ago he bit me (he has 4 teeth and two have ALMOST poked through)and I pulled him away and said NO NO. He continued to nurse and then did the next day as well. I'm sure teething and sore throat are the main causes, but I don't know if he was hurt emotionally by me saying no no. I can't imagine him refusing to eat after that....If anyone has any helpful advice to comment on, please help me. I feel for you, and miss bonding with my baby so much. He seems to be trying to be independent, but it makes me sad to not be close throuhg nursing... the Dr. sensed how upset I was and said that men will NEVER understand the bond that takes place between a nursing mother and her baby. It's just indescribable.

[Annie]

I am late to the party here, but my 15 mo. old is clearly self-weaning. I think my supply dropped because my periods finally started back up again, but I have offered every night when I rock her to sleep for the past week, and she refuses. She even shook her head "no" the other night. I had hoped to make it to two years as well, so I understand your disappointment. I have also read on kellymom that self-weaning before 18 mos. is unusual, but I don't know what else you would call what my daughter is doing. You have indeed done a fantastic job of BFing your child.

[Suzanne]

Hi Everyone, I just wanted to give some of you moms out there a bit of hope. I have just come out the other side of a LONG (13 day) nursing strike with my 8.5 month old son. We were nursing just fine until about 3 weeks ago when he got really sick. Looking back now, I think he had strep throat. Initially he refused solid foods but was still nursing. After 2 days he started to refuse to nurse, I got frustrated and he went on a complete strike. Any time I would try to nurse him or get him anywhere near my breast he would arch his back and scream! It was awful and heart breaking. I did all of the things suggested to me by my LC, Jack Newman and many websites. I fed him expressed breast milk but syringe, stayed at home topless, tried baths, tried sleeping with him, tried nursing when he was sleeping etc. None of these things work for my son and did not suite his personality. He is an active kiddo who wanted to be down playing not cuddled. He prefers to sleep in his own bed not mine. He just plays in the bath tub. And if I tried nursing him in his sleep he just ended up screaming and awake :( After 8 days of misery I decided to start giving him a bottle. He was no longer sick and took the bottle eagerly. I kept pumping hoping that he would nurse again but it wasn't looking good. I fed him each bottle against my breast so that he would have the choice of how to take food at every feeding. Many of you know how sad and heartbreaking this was and only those who have experienced it can truly get it. Then all of a sudden on Sat. he did what he used to do to let me know he wanted to nurse. I was so out of touch I asked my husband to start heating a bottle. Then I clued in and tried nursing. To my astonishment he took it easily and we haven't looked back for 3 days now!!! Please, if you want to keep nursing, don't give up. They can come back to it. If you have any questions feel free to email me suzer@shaw.ca

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