Q&A: Never-ending research

Amanda writes:

"Can you just tell me what to do with my baby for the rest of his life? The research is killing me. I did all the pregnancy research, and hospital and birth research, and newborn research, and feeding and shots and sleep and daycare vs. nanny research. Then I did the first foods research. Now he's 8 months old and is starting to crawl so I'm doing more research on how to make sure he gets enough mvoement time. Does it ever end? My best friend is trying to figure out where to send her 3-year-old to school next year, and hearing her talk about it made me realize that it's always something. I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it. Could you post a list of everything I should do with my kid from now until death? Thank you."

Bwahahahaha. It's funny 'cause it's true. I guess I also thought the constant research would end once we were out of the toddler stage. But no. (My most recent issue with the 6-year-old: Aluminum bats. Or aluminium bats for those of you in the UK. His T-Ball league uses them, but I've seen too many reports on how lethal they are for high school kids. It just feels like I'm going to be wading through millions of reams of data and conjecture, and by the time I can figure anything out T-Ball season will be over.)

From what I can see, you have to keep doing research up through the college application process. Then they leave you out of the loop and you're only called in to clean things up if they're having problems. And then it's their turn to do research on what to do with you when you get old.

Slight variation on this problem. Anonymous wrote an email similar to Amanda's, but added:

"And I'm sick of being the one who does all the research. My husband can't be bothered to read a single book. He doesn't even click on the links I send him. But then if I make a decision that isn't perfect he never lets me hear the end of it. It's causing a huge strain in our relationship because he's not pulling his share of the load, and then criticizes me."

I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to try to parent with someone when you have conflicting styles and values and decision-making processes. It's stressful and flows over into your relationship with your kids.

I'm the last person to give relationship advice, but I wonder if laying it out logically when you're not in the middle of a discussion about an actual decision would help. He maybe doesn't realize that he's not doing equal work, or else thinks that you like being the sole keeper of the information. He might surprise you by stepping up once he knows how you feel.

Has anyone in a healthy relationship had this issue? I could give the textbook answer, but I don't have instincts or experience to trust in this situation.

Comments

[paola]

I researched much more with no. 1 and he was a million times easier than no. 2. Neither of us research much except for when we have to buy something and then as hubby is an engineer, its a spreadsheet. I'm happy for him to do it as his decisions are always spot on.

[Eva]

I've made a lot of the choices and done a lot of the research a) because it interests me b) because I have people to bounce ideas off of ( I don't see my husband chatting with his buddies about the best solid food to start with, for example) c) I have a better sense of what the options and range of opinions are to begin with and d) I am the one who does most childcare so is around to do what needs doing.

But my husband does take an interest of course. He reads parenting magazines when he sees them around, and occasionally, and I get a big kick out of this, he'll ask me some question, and I love how he thinks I'm an expert. Finally! He knows all about everything else, but I am the expert on baby stuff! Yay!

So this works for us. And he has alone time with the kid so they have their own thing. A few times I have mentioned something he might want to try that I have found helps with some behavioral thing, just because I am with her more, and, yes, have read more, but really we pretty much mostly agree. We haven't had any major disputes or even any minor ones, but we tend to be pretty much on the same page in general. It makes it easier to be in a relationship. If we disagree (like about when the kid is able to sleep over at her grandmother's) we go with whomever feels the strongest. But the tie-breaker is gut feeling, not research.

[Katie B.]

For the research stuff - I'm with Hedra, I think. I'm reading books, and I'll be reading more as time goes on (happily, I'm a fast reader) and topics become relevant. I like to do research to have a foundation, but then I'm a set-of-my pants girl. This group has done more than any book ever could to reassure me that parenting is always a crapshoot, you just go with what you think will work, and if it doesn't, try something else. I've been reading the sears' Baby Book in the last few days, and I very much like their style of, here's our philosophy, and why we think it's best (just so happens to be the philosophy I was leaning towards anyway), and here's how to apply it. I'm not sure I agree with everything they say, but I'd be a pretty sorry Kate of a Different Color if I did! Besides, what works for their family may not work for mine, #1's ETA still being a few weeks off. To me, it's ideas that matter, not necessarily slavishly following particular techniques (although I wouldn't be surprised if I do, on some things).

On the matter of discussing research with DH... For the most part, so far, he seems content to let me do the research I want to do, and we talk about things, and so far he's mostly agreed to the ways I want to go (I really hope this munchkin isn't a boy, though, because I have very strong feelings regarding circumcision, and he's shown signs of maybe getting stubborn...). If I really truly want him to read something, I can say so, and present the book, and he'll at least make a stab at reading it. Me doing the reading works out pretty well for the most part, because I'm a big reader and he's not. It's going to be interesting when something comes up that we don't agree on, because he wants to be co-equal in authority on everything - nice idea, but we can both be incredibly stubborn, pig-headed, even - and I'm NOT good at sharing power. On the other hand, when he does get stubborn about something, I usually end up giving in, because if he does get stubborn, it means he actually does care very deeply about something, and he usually lets me have my way most of the time. It's not that he doesn't care at all about other things, but he's usually ok with whatever, unless he does have a particular opinion, and if he voices that, I know I need to listen. On that score I think it's a very good thing that we differ on so many issues generally, because it means that we're already used to listening and respecting, even if (when!) we disagree.

*sigh* yet another novel-length comment, and I haven't done my daily journaling yet!

[chaser]

I’m all about the book larnin’ – I do all of it, hubby does zero. Sometimes this annoys me. But the fact is that I do it because I’m interested, because I like to read, and because expert opinions get me thinking. That is, I do research for my own pleasure and benefit. I don’t research everything (would that even be possible?).

@Amanda, why do you do the research that you do? Do you feel like you’re required to? If it’s optimizing movement time for an eight-month-old, that’s not required… you can run any concerns by your ped & otherwise just forget about it. Focus your research on preventing maternal exhaustion and call it good. :)

@Anonymous, I hear you on getting annoyed. I too am prone to thinking that the one who does all the research is entitled to make the decision. But unilateral decisionmaking is unpleasant no matter how well-informed it supposedly is… maybe that’s what you’re husband is responding to, more than the decision itself. And the fact is that there are many resources for thoughtful parenting (depending of course on the issue) – not only books and the internet and professionals, but also relatives, friends, and personal reflection.

Our decisionmaking routine something like the following:

1. I bring it up in a non-decision mode with DH, something like “At some point we’re going to need to decide whether to worry about the plastic baby bottles,” or “I’ve been thinking about when it’ll be time for J to start dressing himself.” I genuinely mean this to be a preliminary thing – I’m just bringing it up for us to start kicking it around. Usually DH is perfectly interested to start talking about it, but we put off making any decision.
2. I get my information however I like to get it – books, internet, relatives, experts, blogs, gossip, observation – and leave time for DH to do the same.
3. As I find things that interest me or start forming opinions I share them, including the source of the idea (be that a book, personal conviction, etc). “One of my favorite parenting books says that pressuring kids to stop thumbsucking just makes them more nervous.” “I’m really worried about how painful this medical test might be, and I hate the idea that it might not even tell us anything.” DH pretty much always has something thoughtful and interesting to contribute to my thinking.
4. After a little while we often find that we have converged on a decision without even really being explicit about it. Something just starts to feel like the natural way to go. This is nice. If we have substantial differences of opinion, we just keep talking about it. Since I know from experience that he is a thoughtful and intelligent parent, I am motivated to keep listening.
5. If it turns out he’s just not that interested, then that usually means I can go ahead and decide as I see fit! (although sometimes he realizes later that he wants in on the issue after all.)

[Alice]

In my relationship, I'm not the researcher. My partner is an academic, so she reads and absorbs the essence of the research about 12x as fast as I do, and I have come to rely on her reports. I am much more likely to talk to other parents and see what their experience has been. Then we discuss what makes sense for our kids, regardless of what the experts have said. What both of us bring to the discussion is a healthy skepticism about anything the _experts_ say. If you find yourself putting a lot of faith in experts, there is a great book about the history of parenting advice, called, "Raising America," by Ann Hulbert. No, I didn't read it, but my partner did.

[Agnes]

I just had to laugh because I am generally the reader if not always the researcher in our house as well, and I did the same thing of leaving the circumcision choice to my husband, and he chose what I wouldn't have.

He came up with some other reasons, but when I first asked him he said something like "I want my son to look like me", making me realize I don't understand men at all. Do they sit around comparing penises with their fathers? Apparently so.

Also, a minor annoyance in my household is that, for my husband, anything someone tells him personally, particularly his family, trumps anything I can show him from the research. So never mind if the books say that x brand is safer or more reliable, if his brother says that y brand is better, then y brand is the best.

[heather]

As for the research, my approach is to investigate what I'm interested in and/or what's bugging me and let everything else go. Right now my 16-month-old is teething big-time so I've been reading up on that. Otherwise, why stress myself out? Relax and enjoy being a mom. Keep in mind that previous generations didn't have nearly as much information at their disposal as we do, and previous generations of kids turned out just fine!

My solution for dealing with people who don't research as much as I do (husband included!): present the issue, present the research, present my solution, and give a deadline. For example: "We need a stroller for my daughter. I looked a various models and prices and I think brand x is the best. I will go buy it in a week unless we decide otherwise." Works for me!

[stacy]

After researching Baby Sleep Problems to DEATH last year, I swore off reading about parenting for a while. Well, other than this blog and sites like it...where it's more "I do X, what do you do?" from other parents. Rather than, "thou shalt not..." from an expert with his head up his ass.

My God, not reading the research has been so liberating. I love pretending to be a parent in a time before there was a "perfect" way to do everything!

I've got to shake out of my fog soon, though. We move in a few weeks, and I'm going to need to research daycare options. Argh.

Anyway. DH is a reader, and he loves research. In fact, this is what he does for a living - computer science research. So I really thought I could hand him Ferber's book and expect him to plow through it and have a thoughtful conversation with me about our options.

Hahahahahahahaha.

It just didn't work that way. He always had the attitude that I was in charge, and he would support any decision I made. He honestly believed he was making me happy with that wishy-washy mode of thinking. Okay, the support was great, but sometimes we need more than that. I was overwhelmed by all the baby sleep research and I needed help sorting it out.

I did end up having an explosive conversation with him one day that boiled down to, "I need you to read something yourself and help me make a decision!" And once we had that conversation, he did it. He still didn't sit down and go through all 500 pages of Ferber's book...but he read enough of it, along with some other sleep information. Then we could sit down together and go, "I like this approach, what do you think?" Eventually we developed a night weaning and sleep training plan that worked for both of us, and had both of our input. It was a long slog, though.

In sum, he had no idea how useless he was being until I told him.

[Laura]

I am the decision maker regarding kid things. I do all the research and I summarize it for my Dh in conversation - usually in the car when he can't be distracted by anything else!

I am blessed to have a man who respects my decisions (although, he has YET to change a cloth diaper since I switched a couple months ago, lol). What I've noticed and been simultaneously charmed and bemused by is that when he is in conversation with someone else about the way we're raising our kid - vax-free, cloth diapering, etc. - he always refers to it as if it was OUR decision. Something we researched together and concluded together. Which is hilarious to me because I often feel like I'm just presenting him with the decision!

[meggiemoo]

Like some PPs have written, there are a few issues that I feel so strongly about that I basically made the decision for the family. Deciding not to circumcize was one of those. Luckily, my DH listened to my researched reasoning and agreed. If he hadn't, I'm not sure how we would have settled that.

[hedra]

Total aside on the circumcision thing...

Two good points that were made to me re: the issues dads seem to have with wanting it to be done (vs the mom not wanting it to be done)...

1) It isn't hard to explain the difference in how it looks. "They used to think it was better to do it that way, now they think it is better to do it this way. Dad was born back then, so his parents had that part taken off." To which the response (in our house) has been a uniform, 'Oh, okay!' with no further comment - frankly, the kids are much more worried about the SIZE difference (it starts early, that size thing) than the exact details of look. (BTW, the answer to the size issue has been 'your hands are smaller than his, too.'... 'oh, right.' Oy!) DH was the one who said 'if we can't explain that, how the heck are we going to ever talk to them about sex?' (And come on, at some point one of your grandfathers didn't look like HIS father, too! He probably said the same thing to his son.)

2) The social thing. "He'll be different." "He'll be picked on for being different." That thing. My favorite story on this one is way better than any statistic: One of my best friends (single mom) decided to leave her son 'as-born'. She did worry because so many people (mainly men) said he was going to be tormented for being different. Well, when her son was about 5, he came home in tears from a playdate. What was the problem? The other boys had seen his parts when they'd had a group pee (things you learn that they do)... and they thought his was SO COOL he was scared they'd try to take it from him. None of them had COOL ones, like HIS. She had to convince him that it couldn't be stolen from him, and then he felt better. I felt a bit bad for the parents of the other boys, who had to comfort their sons for having uncool parts, when I'm sure that was the opposite of their intent! The point being that we don't get to choose how things will be interpreted by the generation that follows. We can't apply our experience to their experience 1:1. And we cannot prevent childhood emotional pain or distress by surgery - or by choosing not to do surgery. All we can do is help them be emotionally intelligent, resilient beings.

Anyway, since it came up, thought I'd dump that out there. We opted to leave them as born, for many reasons. But who is to say that choice was right? Some things you choose for the best reasons, and you just *hope* that was the best choice, you can't run the alternate experiment and compare results and then try to pick the best one. I aim for 'defensible if they end up resenting the choice I made'.

[caramama]

I'm back because I was thinking about the whole aspect of anonymous's husband not respecting her decisions. Not to add more research, but Deborah Tannen does excellent research into the gender difference of how men and women communicate. Men tend to respect decisions women make when women talk as if they ARE the experts on something. If you are hesitate in how you say it or unsure or second guessing, men (in general, but can be women too) tend to discount that you really know what you are talking about. If you present the information in a firm way that sounds like you are the expert, you have done the research and you know what you are talking about, they tend to nod and get on board. I work in a predominately male field and often notice that how I say something really reflect back in how seriously the men take me. So there is that aspect.

Also, most men like when you show how you back things up, again proving you are the expert. So when I talk about research I've done with my husband, I say "this research said that, and here is my opinion on that... this research, done in this year by so and so, said this, and my opinion is..." It gives them proof that you are the expert, and if things don't work out, it wasn't because you didn't know what you were talking about.

(Side note: I can't believe all you people talk after sex at night! All I want to do is roll over and go to sleep!)

[marsupial jones]

The thoughts about marriage/partnership are very interesting. I feel for folks who aren't experiencing as much support as they'd like, and I think deserve. Keep up the good work though!!

I agree with all the marital advice, for sure.

As I thought about this topic today, I think I'm in the boat with those who read more about development, general "what's going on" stuff. Wonder Weeks sort of stuff is best for me. Once I know what he might be going through and experiencing in the world, I feel better able to help him in the best way I know how.

[Dana]

"Could you post a list of everything I should do with my kid from now until death? Thank you."

At least Amanda seems to have a sense of humor about it!

Anonymous- If the research is daunting and makes you question your decision making abilities for you and your family, then I would recommend ditching the research, or at least cutting way back. It can be so overwhelming when you have 7 different parenting books that all claim to be the child-rearing bible and yet they all have 7 different ideas!!!

Albert Einstein's family didn't have the internet to figure out which diapers were best or how to get him to roll over, crawl or walk. And yet somehow he turned out alright.

I think it is best to somehow get both your focus and your husband's focus on the major things and not the minor ones. Yes, the things going on in our children's lives seem very monumental, but the bigger issues lay ahead of us, like when they start making their own decisions that may or may not align w/ our wishes for them (and their safety)! Now is the time to work on solid communication skills with your spouse so that when those major issues come up, you'll be ready to face them as a team.

[Cloud]

Coming back to add one note for Amanda- I researched things to within an inch of my sanity early on. Now (Pumpkin is 13 months), I find I do less research, and am better at figuring out what things need research and what things I can wing (by "need" I mean "what things will make me crazy if I don't research them"). I think this is something that gets easier to balance as you get used to the parenting thing.

[Girl Jen]

"Could you post a list of everything I should do with my kid from now until death? Thank you."

WANT!!

I am the researcher in my family, not only because I want to do The Right Thing, but also because I find human development very interesting.

My husband comes up with all kinds of awesome ideas out of thin air...
Me: Why is she squirming and crying?
DH: She probably wants to be left alone. Put her down.
Me: Put her down?! But according to this book, babies need constant contact with their moms!
DH: Seriously, try it.
Me: Okay....[very tentatively puts Liz down]
Liz: Zzzz

[pnuts mama]

i'm the researcher in our family as well, on just about everything except for power tools...i do enjoy it, i'm good at it (i hope, seeing as it's also what i do academic-wise) and i'm efficient at it. i even research the crap that my husband needs looked up since i am so much faster with it than he is- he's not fond of reading and he's not as comfortable w/ computers so i tend to do most of it. which i'm fine with, mostly since it saves time. on parenting stuff he mainly defers to me since i'm the one who is home with her, etc. and when he disagrees we talk about it and come to some common ground.

as far as respecting each other's intelligence is concerned, we definitely have different yet equally strong intelligences and we mutually respect each others strengths and differences. i'm thrilled and grateful that he knows things that i don't have a clue about, and i imagine he feels the same way. i won't lie that we are very lucky that we see the world in a very similar way and our views have changed and matured together (ex. organic food, environmentalism, etc) so that helps us a great deal.

when we don't agree on a decision, it often has less to do with "i'm more informed than you are on this topic" and more to do with another deeper thing that the decision is triggering- which can be hard to locate in the heat of the moment. i like to call it "lets have argument #23, installment 7,184"- ykwim? it's the same argument but the details are different? good times. the red flag in those arguments are the words "you always" or "you never"- overgeneralizations that couldn't possibly be right- (ex.- "it always has to be your way!")- it's finding the deeper issues there (like, money) that are the challenge.

as far as parenting stuff is concerned, i rely on this community as my primary source of info these days, but i certainly researched my brain out during pregnancy and during pnuts infancy ("how often/long should _month old be nursing" is what brought me here, for example). i definitely feel much more comfortable trusting my own instincts as a mama now and don't feel the urge to research the heck out of everything unless it's big issues that i just don't have a clue on, like potty training. sigh.

[b]

Great topic.
1) On doing research: My kid is nearly 3 years old, and after reading around in the child-rearing literature a bit, I've mostly found my style, at least for our present needs. I definitely no longer compare developmental charts with where we are IRL. Intuition combined with a bit of research seems to serve me well so far. I do like to look at the psych or education literatures for particular questions, not because they will necessarily influence my own decisions, but because I like to back up my arguments with some evidence in situations where my parenting views clash with those of other people in my life. I do research for a living, and my curiosity extends to parenting as well.

Further, I have to agree with the previous poster/s on cross-cultural comparison: As an immigrant, I'm constantly aware that there are many ways of approaching the same challenge; what's fascinating to me is that parenting cultures diverge even when each culture seems to pour a lot of research into its own approach. Case in point: vitamin supplements. Back home (in Western Europe, though I won't reveal the country) health professionals advise against taking vitamin supplements, suggesting instead that you should just eat a healthy and varied diet. In the US, the expert advice focuses on supplements first and on the quality of one's diet second, or at least that's how it seems to me. So, living between cultures offers some useful points of comparison that help to dislodge received wisdom in my own head.

2) The domestic division of labor--doing the mental work of parenting: I'm the researcher in the couple, my partner is the artsy-creative type who insists he operates on intuition rather than book learning. This is true whether we're talking about raising kids or buying cars. So far, so good, except a) during our kid's first year, his intuition wasn't so hot, and b) it doesn't sit so well with my feminist commitments to be the one who does the intellectual work involved in parenting.

Problem (a) is mostly resolved, our intuitions largely converge, and we are indeed sharing the parenting load equally, though our roles are different (I'm still more a source of physical and emotional comfort, my partner is the leader on cultural and social outings). I can't remember when the last time was that we actually disagreed on a parenting issue. Well, yes, actually I can: A couple of days ago we talked about whether to enforce modesty around the house at a certain age; my partner was in favor, whereas I advocated going with the flow and taking our cues from our child but generally practicing an attitude of respectful openness. Since it's an issue on which I'm doing some professional research, my partner seemed willing to defer to my approach, though we will see how this goes as our kid gets a bit older.
On problem (b), the situation is a bit more varied:
On medical issues, my partner is equally interested in research, though nothing beyond ear infections and intestinal viruses has really come up yet. Nutrition research is my domain, but he cooks more of our meals, which means I occasionally have to persuade him to take a slightly different approach, but it's not been too hard.

On childcare facilities, I do more of the research, but my partner serves on the parents' board. This means he gets public credit for being an involved dad (good for the cause of co-equal parenting), whereas my research remains invisible (bad for the cause of co-equal parenting).

Sorry for rambling. I guess we're still feeling our way around the division of labor. I know I would be very unhappy if I had to do all the intellectual work of parenting AND our approaches clashed all the time.

[Alex]

Wow. Just wow. I'm with Brooke. One exception: non-urgent medical stuff. I've had to solve/correct enough of my own problems/doctors that I don't believe in just doing what they say and like to read up on the latest research myself.

But, really, research a stroller? Really? Wow.

I started my parenting role by acquiring teenage stepkids (now adults), and I work as a college educator (plus now mom to a 1-year old). Just a heads up -- even if you have basically "good" kids (and we all do, right?), it's likely there is going to come a time when the best advice you can give them is, "Just please don't drink so much that you pass out and aspirate your own vomit." Really.

So I just enjoy what we have and do not sweat the small stuff.

[Shelley]

"Could it really be that we all just happen to be research types and the husbands just happen to be instinct types - or is it more that women still carry the load of childrearing responsibilities, and feel that if they don't do it themselves (ie read about it / make an informed decision), it just won't get done."

Suki, bingo.

[Mommie Mentor]

Crazy busy work week, so I haven't read all of the posts. If I'm repeating anyone's advice, I'm sorry!

I was and still am the research person when it comes to family issues. Having been married for 30 years I know what this kind of, in my case, obsession did to my marriage. It made my husband feel like I held all the answers and since I had all of the answers I was the better person to make ALL of the choices. I hated that. So I stopped being the one to do ALL of the research. Our family rule became—if we find a situation where we need concrete information especially medical, we will both sit and read about it together, at the same time, so we can both be on the same page at the same time.

I agree with Charisse. Not all of the research is a perfect match for every family. And research itself has problems. Research has changed many times since I began parenting 30 years ago. I do understand that research progresses but it can make a parent crazy. Ex: Which way should a baby sleep, on their back, on their tummy or on their side? Research changes.

I think the bigger bit of research needs to begin with each of us.

Why don't we trust ourselves? Parenting is instinctual and experiential. Medical questions really need research however many other things about parenting simply require listening to yourself and your instincts.

Did you know that the need to look something up IS your instinct calling your attention to the issue? And you can use that fact to empower you versus making you feel like you don't know what to do!

Instead of automatically filling in the blank about an issue with some else's advice, try waiting a moment and asking yourself what YOU think about the issue, AND THEN go look it up.

It's a subtle change but a very empowering change! By making that subtle shift in thinking you go from thinking "I don't know what to do?" to "I found evidence showing me my instincts were right!"

Children learn from parents and parents learn about themselves and how to parent as they begin to trust their instincts. There is NO perfect answer in parenting; there are no perfect situations, no perfect parents and no perfect children. So there are no perfect answers for instinctual issues. Each decision you make represents your instincts and choices as a family. What did parents do before the Internet?

When my kids were really little they were built like linebackers. Once at a local country fair the football coach literally jumped over his booth and began yelling at us and asking us where the boys played football? I told him, my sons don't play football and never will! He looked at me as if I were crazy! He asked me if I had done any of the research about how safe it was?

It was in that moment that I found my instinctual voice and was no longer willing to let any research trump my guts! I told him I knew in my guts that if I let them play my oldest would be badly hurt. He tried and tried to talk me out of it and get the boys signed up. I finally had to hold his arm, look him in the eye and say "No one will ever talk me out of my parenting instincts, please stop trying!" and we walked away.

Just a thought.

[Jan]

>>Just a heads up -- even if you have basically "good" kids (and we all do, right?), it's likely there is going to come a time when the best advice you can give them is, "Just please don't drink so much that you pass out and aspirate your own vomit." Really.<<

Hee.

@caramama, I'm with you on the talking after sex thing. But ever since I started keeping track of how LONG it's been since the last "adult time" and making sure that rarely goes over 5 days, I've noticed a big difference in how receptive he is to my ideas. I wonder sometimes if what's going on up there might be something along the lines of, "who cares? as long as the sex keeps coming at regular intervals ...".

I let my husband make the decision about circumcision, but I thought it was reasonable to let him know how I feel about it. I made sure he had an opportunity to speak to our pediatrician. He ultimately made the right decision (heh, just kidding, just kidding -- he decided what I would have decided) and I know he appreciated me respecting his views on THE ALL IMPORTANT PENIS.

As I proofread, I realize it sounds like my husband cares about penises (his and his son's) and not much else. That's not true at all. (He cares about my boobs, too.)

[SarcastiCarrie]

Jan - ha. Ha. HA.

[pnuts mama]

@alex- ahahaha, yeah, please don't party yourself out of college (one way or another) is v good advice. and you made me laugh w/ the researching strollers comment- i thought i had found a double i liked, researched the hell out of it, brought my husband to go see it, realized it sucked. super. now think i have found another one. please wish me luck.

@jan- my husband and i on the same page w/ circ although i would like a ped uro to do it whereas he's like, do it in the hospital, who cares? isn't it included in the bill? personally, i don't trust some cutesy resident who may or may not have been up all night with my little guys wang, and i'd like it to be done to my specifications- i believe in europe it's referred to as a hemi? (oh god, there's years worth of therapy for the boy if i've ever heard) by someone who's made it their specialty vs. some kid who is graduating in a week. yes, i am officially old enough now to consider residents "kids". sigh.

[hush]

Even though comments on this one are supposed to be reserved for people in healthy relationships, I just had to say: WOW!

I thought I was the only one with a hubby who loves his kid but flat out refuses to do any actual reading on anything parenting related.

I take it all soooo personally, too. Like the fact that hubby won't read certain books means he doesn't care.

If only our son were a plasma TV... huubby would know ALL about him!

[Pollyanna]

Oh crap. You mean I was supposed to have been researching all this stuff?

[Cloud]

Some of the best relationship advice I ever received was to remember that marriage doesn't have to be 50-50 every day, on every thing. It just has to even out over the long term. I try to remember this when I'm frustrated about something Hubby doesn't do. There are many things he does well that I don't do. We make a good team.

I think the important thing for Anonymous to figure out is what is really bothering her, and then figure out what (realistic) changes on her husband's part would resolve the problem. Maybe he won't ever pull his fair share of the research, but he can participate more constructively in the decision making, and show more respect for the time and effort she spends researching by taking responsibility for some other aspect of child-rearing (laundry? food shopping? diaper changing?)

[S. Marie]

It is possible to research too much and I am guilty of this. A good friend refers to it as "parenting in the age of anxiety."

[Alex]

pnuts mama -- OK, I realize I've never faced the excitement of the *double* stroller -- maybe that's what makes the difference! Good luck!

[Amy]

I make my mom help me research the latest dos and don'ts for my kids... so she's a grandparent and still wading through it!

Hmmm, I'm also not sure I'm the most qualified to comment on what people do in healthy relationships b/c I divorced my first and, well, frankly, being in a second marriage with a "mine and ours" family never actually feels "healthy", but I'm with Moxie in that you need to address it at a time when there aren't any pressing decisions to make. My husband *never* does the research, but pointing this out in the heat of an argument about a choice I've made certainly doesn't take the pressure off me next time around. I try to steer him towards some research a few weeks before we hit a stage with our little one so that he has time not only to do some research, but to contemplate how it feels to do it alone. Still... we haven't made great progress in this area...

[JennG]

I started criticizing his decisions about our retirement planning without doing a lick of research and he quickly found out how frustrating it was.

Now he'll at least do me the courtesy of listening to my ideas and peruse (research is way too strong a term) some information and I do the same with retirement - it's all good.

[gertie]

I guess I'm just a minority here, but I'm pretty much a non-researcher, and it has worked for me.

Exceptions: I read stuff online when I was pregnant and bored, and when the baby was tiny and seemed to be in constant danger of dying, and when we wanted to sleep train her.

Other than that, my husband and I just do what comes natural. When problems come up we ask our friends.

My daughter is eighteen months old now, and I really can't think what I would be researching? What is it that everybody is so worried about? I really don't mean to be snarky here, I am honestly curious. What are you people researching so much?

[Julie]

@caramama....we are not talking after sex at night - goodness no. If there is something important we need to talk about, I come home at lunch (dh works from home) and surprise him. He usually gets clued in that I want to talk to him about something.....but really he doesn't care too much.
:)

[Julie]

@gertie, I think there are two types of research that people are doing....product research and behavioral/health research. I don't do much product research because I just don't care that much. And I think that kind of research, for people who do it, is enjoyable because it's concrete. X number of people rated this product with 5 stars......okay. I can get behind that. I think the research that will drain a new mom's brain is the sleep research (how much sleep does my X year old need? How many naps? How often? What will happen with less sleep? More sleep?) how much nursing, how many ounces/bottles/solid food, potty training, blah blah blah. The opportunities to research something are endless and can really suck you in if you are struggling with something and just looking for some concrete answers. And really what you are struggling with is never ending, just the topic seems to change almost without noticing. Some people go with their instincts and just figure it out....others feel there might be answers out there that will end the struggle sooner, give them some insight as to when the struggle will end, or simply just need information to better understand the struggle.

[anon again]

Moxie, ladies, I am so glad to see this discussion!

Why? Because honestly, the balance of research in our house has been a topic of serious discussion in our couples therapy. I was mystified at why my otherwise thoughtful, serious, engaged, primary-caretaker husband hated my sending him articles.

Now I see it's totally par for the course, and I feel like the potential conflict has just melted away. I can get around it. Thank you!!!!!!

[Alison S]

Forgive me if someone said this, because I didn't read all the comments, but another point is: it's less useful, in many ways, to do quite so much research as the children grow older, a) because their views have to take more significance, and they will be governed by their own desires and peer pressure, not one's own carefully considered views and b) as they grow older, they become more individual and so generic research is less useful, in many cases. For example, all babies have to be weaned, and following the current recommendations on weaning time is therefore a sensible and standardised decision (though my older daughter was on solids at 3 months, which was in line with UK recommendations then, and is entirely allergy-free and healthy, so even those sorts of recommendations are not necessarily life or death issues). But as they grow older, normal becomes such a wide ranging thing that fewer issues are easily standardised. Some health matters, sure: I can read the evidence regarding cervical cancer vaccination for my 13 year old, and the decision I make would be the same whatever her personality. But if considering, for example, internet access, what's appropriate for one child might be dangerously unsupervised or antagonisingly restrictive for another, depending on the individual, and in those sorts of situations you can do all the research you like, but ultimately nobody knows your child like you do.

[hush]

@gertie - 6 months into this parenting gig and this is my laundry list of the big issues i've felt the need to research, mainly because the answer was not initially self-evident for me: 1) rooming in with baby while in hospital postpartum or not, 2) when to introduce bottle to breastfed baby, 3) to use pacifier or not 4) what formula to use for supplement 5) to hire a doula or not 6) what kinds of BPA-free bottles/nipples to use 7) whether or not I agreed with dr's advice to slather hydrocortisone cream on baby's face to clear up baby acne 8) what to do about baby's flat head at 4 months 9) what to do about my marriage falling apart and not feeling supported.

Didn't have to do a ton of research to find some solutions that were comfortable for me, as so much of it is searchable on Ask Moxie.

Some big things (like sleep, and labor & delivery) i've done absolutely no research on but it's all worked itself out fine.

[hedra]

I've been thinking about this, and I think there are two phases for me - one is 'developing a basis' (calibrating my intuition, so to speak), and the other is 'where the rubber hits the road'.

And there's also the divide between 'instinct' and 'expectations' - instinct is often right, expectations are far-too-often wrong.

While I research products (like strollers - which I researched heavily for the twins, but not so much for singletons other than a Consumer Reports check-out for safety and durability and value, then pushed a few around to see which I LIKED of the ones that were safer), I also know that my experience will be somewhere in a range, not a specific. I always have to do the 'me think' thing either before or in the midst of the process. I am not entirely sure that for me that doing it first - BEFORE the research - is the best plan. I find that it is soooooo easy to find research to back up my pre-conceived notions that I can trap myself into thinking 'ooh, I'm RIGHT' when the reality is my child needs something different from me than what I expected, wanted to give, or what I would have needed at that age (and since humans tend to start with the 'if I were in your shoes' responses... that can be bad, if your child is unlike you).

So, I tend more to do my 'consider what I want to do'/'feel my way through' part in the midst of the research. I measure the options against gut as I go. I'm wary of scare tactics (if you don't do X, then your baby will grow up to be an ax murderer/drug/addict/viola player... sorry, orchestra joke). And I'm wary of research that backs up my position 100%. It's easy to sniff out the quality issues with research that is in opposition to my own preferences, but much MUCH harder to apply that critical eye to research that fits me to a T.

And, well, the rubber ALWAYS hits the road somewhere. As intentional as I am with parenting (and 'intentional parenting' is probably the general catch-all for the research-hounds - it isn't all anxiety, it's a desire to make choices from a well-informed base and to do things on purpose instead of accidentally)... um, anyway, as intentional as I am with my parenting, there's only so much you can do in the moment with the intentionality. I'm more of a militarist (is that a word?) when it comes to parenting - I formulate plans and backup plans, and ASSUME that no plan will EVER survives the first engagement. I make my parenting plans as plans, and then I *live* in the real world. And I don't judge my successes by whether I met the plan, but whether the rest of us survived the engagement and moved closer to the overall goal.

I do find that I get some great ideas from research - especially behavioral and developmental stuff. And 75% of it (easy) applies not. at. all. to my kids - either I already have a workable solution (ain't broke, not fixin' it), or I already figured that issue out, or the idea doesn't sit well with my style, or the idea of applying it to my child sets off alarm bells for me. But the other 25% I find very useful at least as a backup plan.

And since (according to recent research - heh) 30+% of parents either under or over estimate their child's developmentally appropriate behavior level in infancy (and there are studies suggesting even more under or over estimate the abilities of older children)... well, checking in to see if what I'm expecting is even VALID is kind of important. Sometimes, we're freaking out over something that is developmentally inappropriate to expect. Knowing, for example, that for toddlers and preschoolers, appetite is SUPPOSED to decline sharply after around 4-5 PM, so they should NOT be hungry at dinner time, and therefore picking at their dinner is to be expected, and not to be fretted about, pushed, over-examined, or even researched further... well, saves me a lot of hair-pulling (mine)! But if I hadn't researched food behavior (in my case because G had a feeding disorder severe enough to land him in a feeding clinic by 5 years old), I wouldn't know that, and I'd sure be more likely to fret about dinner, nutrition, etc.!

Research gives me the guidelines for what is normal range (not what IS normal-X-marks-the-spot, but normal range), and that tunes my radar a lot. Just look at any parenting message board for the above issue - appetite of toddler/preschooler at dinner, dinner behavior, pickiness at dinner. How many of those moms are going on instinct/gut that the child NEEDS TO EAT. How many are not at all aware that the main eating has to happen sooner in the day because by dinner time if they're listening to their bodies they should be barely eating a thing? Instinct doesn't tell us that at all, at least not most parents. It can be hard to separate 'instinct' from 'expectations'. And that's where the research comes in.

Anyway, that said, rubber still hits the road, and parenting is not in the research but the living daily experience. We're not parenting statistical models, we're parenting living unique organisms. As one of my favorite studies (out of Harvard) said (paraphrasing, but the last part is a direct quote), 'Under carefully controlled research conditions, the organism will do exactly as it damn well pleases.'

[Melanie]

Hey, define 'healthy relationship'? LOL.
Anyway, the same thing with my husband and I - I am a type A, so I do the research, tell him the facts - let him voice his opinion if he wants to - if not, I decide. It is getting old though - I am in my third pregnancy - already have a 4 year old and 2 year old - so I don't do much research anymore anyway. But in all honesty - if the ferreting out the answers is slowing bogging you down - go with your instincts - trust me - you will know the answers!

[R's mama]

I remember reading once (sorry, don't remember where) that women by nature anticipate and prevent problems, and men like to solve them once they've occurred. Could this be a factor in the want to/don't want to research difference? Just a thought.

[hedra]

ooh, R's mama, that's a nice positive way to approach the issue as a dual set of strengths, rather than a 'one researcher/one lazy' or 'one anxious/one relaxed' or however else it gets expressed as the 'one better/one worse' version. :)

[Tor]

Thanks for this timely topic.
I research to try and reduce the fear that don't know what I am doing and so might do it wrong. That attitude worked in my job, with hobbies, with the whole infertility/IVF/pregnancy/birth and also with other unrelated medical issues, so of course I try and apply it to parenting too.

I will often go against my docs recommendations, even specialists, after (a lot of) research, and am totally confident that I am doing what is best for my body and situation, because my specialty is me. Yet I can't seem to get the same attitude to apply to my baby as easily. I think part of it is that he is the one who will wear the consequences, not me. And it took a long time to trust myself over "specialists" whereas I have only had this parenting gig 6 months.

I want so badly to be the best parent I can be that I am being a worse parent than I could because I spend too much time researching instead of just figuring it out with bub as I go along.

I think I am approaching saturation point, fortunately. Not that I have absorbed all I need or want to, just that I have researched enough conflicting stuff to finally be gaining confidence that I am NOT going to stuff it up, or at least not too badly and not for too long, and that in every situation although I might not get the best approach first, I will always do better than at least one of the "expert"'s advice.

Yes it is confidence, not knowledge, that I am seeking (wow, lightbulb moment for me right now), thinking the two go hand-in-hand, forgetting hands-on experience is often more useful than reading theory.

Although, like in ongoing medical situations, I still look for an expert whose judgement I can respect and philosophies I share, to save me some of the research and give me a starting point.

Oh and Hedra has shown me that being a "wise" parent (my perception of her) isn't about having all the answers ahead of time, but of asking the right questions at the right time. But that that can be harder than it sounds or we'd all be doing it already.

[Tor]

OMG that didn't seem so huge in this tiny little textbox. oops sorry!

[hedra]

@Tor, it's more of asking questions regularly/often, I think. Sometimes I don't ask the right question for YEARS (or I ask it but I don't listen to myself asking it and don't notice that I'm asking the same question over and over and over without getting any answers). It sucks when that happens, but it happens. The more I do my little cycle of 'step back, observe, assess, problem-solve' (all of which involve asking questions), the better I do.

[epeepunk]

Just joining in to provide another data point.

First, for me the method of research that involves finding sources and then having both people read them and make conclusions defeats the purpose of having a single person do the research. Not that only one person should make the decision, but that you should trust each other enough to work from the summary of the research and make the decision together at that point.

In those cases where it can't be summarized (like Parent Effectiveness Training), then yeah, both people need to read the book (I'm working on it).

For the most part, hedra does the research because hedra needs to do the research. I find it incredibly useful, but it's not something I would have naturally done (and as a result, we would not be as mindful as parents). We do split things up a little - I research appliances and travel.

My personal method of research was developed during architecture school, and I think it's one of the things that makes architects uniquely able to solve a variety of problems. The situation in school is that you've got a week to learn everything you'll need to learn about a subject - so you grab everything you can find quickly that's related, skim it find the common elements (repeating words usually) and then read more in depth about those common elements. Bang! you're enough of an expert to get started.

And that's how I still work, and now thanks to Google, it's even faster. It lacks the close examination and determination that hedra's method provides, but for me that's not what I'm seeking. I'm seeking close enough to allow me to move on towards a solution.

[gertie]

Thanks to those who listed what they specifically researched--this thread makes a little more sense to me. I think I tend to approach things from a more male point of view--I don't usually research until something becomes an issue (like sleeping--went out and bought a book for that).

I do spend time browsing--I've read Moxie for quite a while now, and I read several parenting blogs.

I guess my overall philosophy is that my child will benefit most from a consistent, happy household. So we do what we want. I thought I would want to cosleep, but didn't like it, so we stopped. After six weeks, my husband and I were ready for our daughter's crib to be moved to her own room, so we did it. I breast feed, but couldn't cope with the stress of pumping at work (first year teacher) so we supplemented with formula. At one year, we agreed that her evening fussing was upsetting her to the point of exhaustion, so we got a sleep training book. There will always be friends who do things differently and raise eyebrows (we get this a lot with the sleep training). I don't back up any of my decisions with research. I just say "This works for us".

I parent this way because that's how I can cope. As it is, I am happy and relaxed, even with #2 on the way (no, we didn't research spacing). I don't think I could cope with the amount of worry and guilt that so many on this thread are expressing. Second-guessing myself like that would send me into a pit of depression.

[Holly]

Oh yes, I do all the research. My husband is going to school and working full-time, so he's inclined to either go by instinct (he made me let our daughter cry it out after 7 months of me not sleeping, and oh, he was right) or just trust the doctors. I was gearing up for a battle about vaccines, since I've decided to delay a few, but I found this, to my surprise: My husband doesn't care what I decide, as long as I'm decisive about it. When I start waffling and venting all my confusion about all the various viewpoints, he tends to put his foot down. When I came in armed with a few reasons for my vaccine decision, and ready to fight, he said "Fine, if you think it's important - you've read about it, not me." Well!

Anyway, thought I'd offer that up, in case I'm not the only one who can be very annoying with the constant oh-my-god-I-don't-know-what-to-do-because-I've-read-too-MUCH!