Q&A: Never-ending research

Amanda writes:

"Can you just tell me what to do with my baby for the rest of his life? The research is killing me. I did all the pregnancy research, and hospital and birth research, and newborn research, and feeding and shots and sleep and daycare vs. nanny research. Then I did the first foods research. Now he's 8 months old and is starting to crawl so I'm doing more research on how to make sure he gets enough mvoement time. Does it ever end? My best friend is trying to figure out where to send her 3-year-old to school next year, and hearing her talk about it made me realize that it's always something. I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it. Could you post a list of everything I should do with my kid from now until death? Thank you."

Bwahahahaha. It's funny 'cause it's true. I guess I also thought the constant research would end once we were out of the toddler stage. But no. (My most recent issue with the 6-year-old: Aluminum bats. Or aluminium bats for those of you in the UK. His T-Ball league uses them, but I've seen too many reports on how lethal they are for high school kids. It just feels like I'm going to be wading through millions of reams of data and conjecture, and by the time I can figure anything out T-Ball season will be over.)

From what I can see, you have to keep doing research up through the college application process. Then they leave you out of the loop and you're only called in to clean things up if they're having problems. And then it's their turn to do research on what to do with you when you get old.

Slight variation on this problem. Anonymous wrote an email similar to Amanda's, but added:

"And I'm sick of being the one who does all the research. My husband can't be bothered to read a single book. He doesn't even click on the links I send him. But then if I make a decision that isn't perfect he never lets me hear the end of it. It's causing a huge strain in our relationship because he's not pulling his share of the load, and then criticizes me."

I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to try to parent with someone when you have conflicting styles and values and decision-making processes. It's stressful and flows over into your relationship with your kids.

I'm the last person to give relationship advice, but I wonder if laying it out logically when you're not in the middle of a discussion about an actual decision would help. He maybe doesn't realize that he's not doing equal work, or else thinks that you like being the sole keeper of the information. He might surprise you by stepping up once he knows how you feel.

Has anyone in a healthy relationship had this issue? I could give the textbook answer, but I don't have instincts or experience to trust in this situation.

Comments

[SarcastiCarrie]

I do all the research and then over dinner (or right after sex), when we're all relaxed or well-fed, I lay out the pros, cons, what I've found, what I think, ask what he thinks. I gave up sending him links too because he wouldn't click them. Now, I click the links, read them, summarize, and we debate that.
So, uhm, well, he does not pull his own weight on the research, but he is involved in the decision-making process. It makes it much harder for him to second-guess me. And if he does, I just tell him to pound it. If he really cared, he would have expressed a stronger opinion before the decision was made.

Oh, once I gave him a project that was all his. I let him decide about circumcision because men have penises and well, I don't. So, I figured he'd do a little research and find out some stats (and I secretly did some too), so I was sure we would come to the same conclusion. Uhhh, no. We got to the hospital and the obstetrician asked him if he wanted it done, and he said yes, and had the ob do it right then and there in the hospital. I was astounded. Did he not read the same studies I had? Why didn't he find a pediatric urologist to do it or something!?!? Just a regular ob right there in the hospital. But, it all worked out fine, and if it hadn't, there would finally be something that wasn't all my fault.

[anastasiav]

"My husband can't be bothered to read a single book. He doesn't even click on the links I send him."

The second part is a relationship question I'm not going to touch, but I want to address this part: It could be that your husband just doesn't process information well when reading it, so he doesn't do it. Have you tried distilling the info you want him to have down to a few points and then talk with him about it?

Multiple Intelligences (google it since I apparently can't link) tells us that different people process info in different ways. It could be that he's just not a visual-linguistic processor.

Also, honestly, having a conversation with him where you're discussing the pros and cons of some idea will probably make him feel more engaged in the process and reduce the conflict.

[Joy]

In my experience, I've found the 'lay it all out about how your feeling and what you've been struggling with when you're not in the heat of the moment' strategy to be the most effective. Usually I say, I've been thinking about something I'd like to talk to you about... when would be a good time? After sex and meals are definitely good times, when kids are in bed and distractions are minimal.

Also, I find my anti- research husband to be a very effective yin to my over-reliance on "all the research" yang. sp? He's very good at giving me a little perspective; helping me remember that, quoting Moxie, 'we are the best parents for our child', not "the experts". Which helps us make our decisions together, and helps me let go of a lot of anxiety.

[Blanca]

That's pretty much what we do. Once I assumed he was not going to the the research part, I just started summarizing the information that I found for him. We talk about it and we make the decision together. That way we're both responsible for the outcome.

I have to say that most of the time he surprise me with something I haven't considered. And I'm the one reading about the issue like crazy!

[lucy]

I have a six month old and I similarly have been doing the all research and decision making from pre conception. Then I did the natural birth research/birth center/mid wife/insurance/doula/pediatrician/new born care/sleep/solids and now I am starting on the pre school research. Yes. Its never ending and yes its frustrating .But I am also lucky, that since I am the one doing the research, he tends to respect my decision making process. And to be honest I am really glad he didn't chime in on how or where he thought I should give birth. Plus if he had his way, the babe would be feasting on hanger steak and pickles every night, instead of the balanced, fabulous suppers I've been dishing up, after all my late nights on the internet looking up what to do.
My instincts (and hope) are that as times goes on and our boy grows, his dad will become increasingly involved, and start become a part of the decision making process where his particular talents as a Dad are needed.
At the moment, sensing that sometimes it would be nice for him to be a little more pro active; I've suggested he organize swimming lessons. I have yet to see them troop off together to the Y, but the spirit is willing. But its his responsibility and I have made the very important decision: I am not going to google "swimming, infants, NYC"
And no, its not the healthiest of relationships at the moment. We are both exhausted. He is working hard and I am here in the US on the other side of the world from my family and friends with a six month old who wakes on the hour. Its hard. But there comes a point where you need put the books aside for a month or two, (or at least a week!) and just muck in, stop worrying and enjoy that gorgeous baby.

[hedra]

I do the research, here, too. BUT, I'm lucky, because I have a DH who respects my brains. That's the kicker, I find. Most of my friends who do the research have husbands who assume 'a girl did the research, my half-assed opinion trumps her data mining and considered analysis because, well, I'm a boy'. Or that's how it reads, anyway. Likely there are other dynamics involved, but I sure as heck noticed the difference in underlying assumptions with epeepunk, compared to even the most forward thinking feminist-men I dated. The rest all had to REMEMBER to respect my brains. Ep just did. Granted, he was raised by a mom with a degree in applied math, took her geeky classes at Harvard (pre-integration of genders) because they were the ones that offered that, was one of the first EVER computer scientists, let alone 'a girl computer geek'. His dad has an English degree. So, um. Comes by it natural-like (add in "Quaker" ... seriously got a good one!).

As for getting them to do the reading? I vaguely recall once using the bathroom-reading approach. I don't think I removed ALL reading materials, but I did tend to leave 'things I want you to read' in the bathroom. The hard-core version of that is to remove all other reading materials from the bathroom.

If I need him to read it, I explain why, usually along the lines of 'I need you to understand what I'm trying to do here'. And also because it gives him the opportunity to help catch me NOT doing it, so I have a backup. I don't think it hurts for the spouse to be able to backstop that way, though it isn't always comfy. Mostly, though, it's bullet points versions, or 'here's my call, want to know why?' and if not, hey, don't complain later (he doesn't - can't remember when he last complained... oh, wait, he was a bit uncertain about the whole doula thing, but he got over that pretty easily, and is a huge advocate for doulas-for-the-dad's-sake, now. So, last complaint about my direction that I can recall was over a decade back. Maybe he'll remember more of them...).

As for research ongoing? Um, I'm research central. Compulsive. Even for things I don't need to research, I research.

Could I seat-of-the-pants it? Sure. But I also know that I'm prone to being blind to my own issues, and to making errors of judgement when I don't do some nosing around. Emotions play such a huge role in our decision-making process... and I don't entirely trust emotions to make the most healthy call in my case. Mine were kind of mangled early on, and while they're pretty well put back together, ya never know when there will be some unexpected gap or blind spot. And I get twitted for it, at times - I recall getting rolled eyes kinds of comments for putting safety bars in the upstairs windows - but mainly from people who hadn't looked at the actual stats for injury rates to kids - falls from upper floors are much more common (in rate) than we expect and quite serious (in degree) when they happen. Yet most of us get more distressed about possible accidental gun injuries, which are thousands of times less likely to happen. Me, included. So, research. Research research research. And like researching for childbirth stuff, I have to read a LOT of it before I can form an opinion, because a little just magnifies the fears, rather than providing any direction.

I take it a day at a time, and I do go spans of time without researching stuff. Um, days, anyway. I don't mind, though. It would be a problem if it seemed a burden, or if I tended to get TOO stuck in it and lose all perspective (or if I didn't have epeepunk to pull me back to sanity when I do lose perspective, which I think is pretty much every time - though I do get back to sane on my own, I always cycle through AAHHHHHHH! first). So, um, problem if I couldn't get back to a balanced point eventually, if I didn't integrate the info into the rest of life, over time.

Am I helping at all here? :wince:

[Lisa]

Maybe you're reading TOO much? I hate to sound like the wizened crone of the tribe here, but there comes a time when "you're the best parent for YOUR child" is all you need to hear.

When my oldest was born -- lo, those 14 years ago -- I read a little of "What to Expect. . .," a little of Dr. Spock, a little of Penelope Leach, took what made sense to me and disregarded the rest.

If I had been connected to the internet, I'd have Googled myself into madness. Seriously, you're the best arbiter of what your child needs.

[Cloud]

My Hubby doesn't lean towards doing research, either. He parents more by instinct, and once I got over how weird that is (since he won't even buy a BBQ grill without extensive research), I had to admit his instincts are pretty good. So we've settled on a pattern where I do the initial research, and pass books on to him. The books sit on his nightstand for ages, but he eventually looks at them. Like SarcastiCarrie, I summarize the research and then we discuss. If Hubby asks a question I can't answer, I send him to the original research, and then we find out how much he wants to know the answer to that question!

I also try to listen to his instincts (and my instincts!) more, because as the original question from Amanda says- the constant research can drive you bonkers. Besides, I can do all the research I want, but that doesn't mean Pumpkin is going to agree with what the experts say. Sometimes you just have to listen to your child and your gut and hope for the best.

From a relationship standpoint, the thing that keeps me and Hubby doing well is for me to know which things really matter to me, and let other things go. I decided I didn't really care if he did the research, as long as he bought into the decisions. I figure that I don't come close to pulling my weight in the yardwork, garbage emptying, or laundry department, so it all evens out.

[Trope]

or else thinks that you like being the sole keeper of the information

YES, I think that's a big part of it in my relationship. I'm really lucky in that I think our relationship has gotten better since we had our Bug (knock wood that this lasts past the first year!) and the research is still what's killing me. But he assumes that since I'm doing it, I must enjoy it, rather than be pushed forward by the soul-crushing judgment that our society seems to visit upon mothers who don't do it "right". There are some things I have given up on, and the key for me is to announce, firmly and clearly, that I am giving up and the ball is in his court to carry or drop. Lucy is right about putting the books aside. Sometimes it's just not healthy to try to do the very best thing every single minute. We are none of us perfect.

And @ SarcastiCarrie: OI, I hear you on the circumcision thing. I did the same thing, with the same result, and sometimes I am still a little regretful that I didn't put my foot down. But I am a health educator, and spend a lot of my day telling prepubescent boys that it DOES NOT MATTER whether they're circumcised or not, so I suppose I must follow my own teaching at some point.

[hedra]

(Oh, and we DO talk a lot about stuff, even after I've 'decided' the best path - I don't tend to go all final on my decisions without a talk-through, and when I do, it's usually for the wrong reasons and more emotional than rational. Almost always, where I am headed is where he'd have gone if he'd thought about it, or where he was headed anyway. I do treasure the times he's stepped back and thanked me for doing the research because he values the results, more so if it was a direction he probably wouldn't have taken on his own.)

[Trope]

or else thinks that you like being the sole keeper of the information

YES, I think that's a big part of it in my relationship. I'm really lucky in that I think our relationship has gotten better since we had our Bug (knock wood that this lasts past the first year!) and the research is still what's killing me. But he assumes that since I'm doing it, I must enjoy it, rather than be pushed forward by the soul-crushing judgment that our society seems to visit upon mothers who don't do it "right". There are some things I have given up on, and the key for me is to announce, firmly and clearly, that I am giving up and the ball is in his court to carry or drop. Lucy is right about putting the books aside. Sometimes it's just not healthy to try to do the very best thing every single minute. We are none of us perfect.

And @ SarcastiCarrie: OI, I hear you on the circumcision thing. I did the same thing, with the same result, and sometimes I am still a little regretful that I didn't put my foot down. But I am a health educator, and spend a lot of my day telling prepubescent boys that it DOES NOT MATTER whether they're circumcised or not, so I suppose I must follow my own teaching at some point.

[parisienne mais presque]

One thing that is helping me wade through the research (although I'm less obsessed by it than I probably should be) is actually living in a different country.

It turns out that French and American experts disagree on many of the details of childrearing. The classic example for me is best first foods: the US they're all about rice cereal, here we are supposed to start with carrots. US babies eat tons of avocado, while French parents are wary because it is considered "exotic."

So, me, I just figure that on things where the research is pretty conclusive, experts on both sides of the Atlantic will agree. Both French and American experts recommend waiting until six months to introduce solids, for example. I use that agreement as a barometer for how seriously to take advice.

Otherwise, I just kind of go with my gut on how important I think something is. Some things just naturally get my worrying/research motor going (babyproofing and product safety), others less so (food allergies). I probably will look back in 30 years and think to myself on some subject or other "if only I'd known about/looked into that more..." but I figure that is inevitable. Given the results will necessarily be imperfect, I think that following my intuition about MY child is best.

As for negotiating it with a spouse, I think it is key to explain clearly WHY something is important to you. If it taps into issues and fears from your own childhood as it often does, be clear and honest with yourself and your partner. Since my husband is French, we sometimes have different, culturally-influenced ideas about parenting, and we have to step back and look at what is going on for each of us in order to make decisions.

My son is only (almost) ten months old, so we're far from whew-he's-off-to-college-and-it-is-no-longer-our-problem, but so far, I feel relatively zen.

And it helps that when I look at him now, he seems like a pretty happy kid, so we must be doing something right... right?

[Trope]

And I would say that our single biggest hurdle in the relationship is the fact that neither of us wants to collaborate, we both want to be IN CHARGE, and that leads to never-ending arguments about who's right and why we need to take the time or mental energy to discuss it anyway. That's maybe why having a kid was good for us. It forces collaboration.

[rudyinparis]

Hedra rocks. In case you didn't know.

"I do the research, here, too. BUT, I'm lucky, because I have a DH who respects my brains. That's the kicker, I find."

This gets to what jumped out at me with Anonymous. There's 2 ways here, seems to me: woman does the research and is respected for it or option b, which is what it sounds like Anonymous is getting. Not respected (at least sometimes). That's what is galling. Maybe Anon needs to tease out what she (most) wants: her husband to do some research, or maybe a different dynamic with her DH on her input on decisions. As a bystander it seems to me that he needs it laid out: Dude, you can't be all passive with the decisions and then harshing on her. Either do the work and have some input or lay off. I have a hunch with Anon her husband isn't going to do the research (which is not necessarily a character flaw, as others PPs have said, some people just don't do that)so unfortunately she may have to come to terms with that. And then really focus on the dialogue between them that occurs. It's that dialogue that sounds to me needs to be really examined. What's going on there? In the end, only Anon and her husband inhabit that space. Clearly something needs to be worked out. Anon, it's kind of a copout, maybe, but you could try to have your husband read these comments. It could start a conversation.

(Oh, and what a fun conversation THAT would be.)

[caramama]

I am a research-a-holic, so I don't mind doing crazy amounts of research when it comes to the child. And although my husband does some research, he prefers to go on instincts. Which is an issue for me, because what if our instincts are WRONG?!?!

So for us, there are two important aspects of our decision making process that have been working:
1. Like previous commenters, I sum up what I'm learning through my research verbally to my hubby and work with him to make the actual decision. Usually, it's something like "I was looking into this..." or "I heard about this and am interested in doing it..."

I find that the time we spend talking while get into bed is when we re-connect from the day and talk through things, unless we are too tired. Another good place (besides the during/after meals and after sex previously mentioned) is in a car. When we are taking a trip somewhere, we tend to have really good conversations (when the baby isn't screaming). I lay out the points I think are pertinent for him to understand and areas that I think will interest him.

2. I respect that his way of doing things is not wrong. His instincts are very good overall, and when I don't agree with it, I will do the research and talk with him about what researchers say about the area that's an issue, and he can either back it up (note that this isn't defend, but talking it out to help me understand where he is coming from--do not make it adversarial or we don't get anywhere) with his reasoning for why.

On top of just discussing, I do send my hubby links or leave books on his bedside. That way if he wants to know more about what I discovered he has that opportunity. Also, if he disagrees with what I'm leaning toward or if he can't provide me with a good reason for doing something in a way I don't like, it's his job to do the research. He can't just say "Because I wanna!"

I also like to give him certain areas, but we then discuss what he's learned and he'll sum it up for me before we make the final decision. I think this gives him room to feel like what he is doing is important and I won't just poo poo it because I've already mentally come to a decision.

But to get him to do more research on his own? Mostly I tell him that I need him to do this for me. That I need help and feel overwhelmed and here is a way he can help "fix" it. Cause my hubby, like most men, likes to be helpful and "fix" things, so I really play that up when I need it. Even if it means that I tell him exactly what I want him to research and how I want him to do it and when we need to make a decision on it. But then, I give him ownership, and when we are out and people say "wow, look at how your daughter does..." I give him all the credit for researching, and he loves it. That might sound manipulative, but I don't mean it to be. It's what I'd want someone else to do for me.

Good luck with all the research, ladies! Thank goodness we have the Ask Moxie Archives!

[ivymae]

I am the researcher in our family, and have had many bitter moments like the anon one above. Recently I finally got our toddler on a sleeping schedule (after nearly a year of trying to get husband on board, I just did it myself and strong armed our way through it) and husband had the gal to look at me at 9pm one night and say "It's so nice that E is going to sleep earlier now, I wish we had done this months ago". And then I shot him.

Or, rather, then i told him just how much it stings to be disregarded like that. I don't mind doing the research if my opinion and findings have some real weight, ya know? Since we had that talk, almost on a daily basis we'll be in the middle of something and I can say "Honey, I feel like you are disregarding me", and because we have a common definition of what I mean, he can stop and look at the situation and conduct himself more fairly.

It still irks the hell out of me when he messes up the laundry system, gives our toddler something to eat that i know will constipate her, or shrugs when i bring a decision to him, but until we had the talk, he had no idea why I was annoyed (since to him they all feel like very different issues, where I see the common thread).

Have a talk, try not to be blaming, and set out very clear ways that you will both change. And be patient.

[enu]

I do the research because, well... you know, that't what I do. I mean, I liked it so darn much I decided to do it perfeshonally in my 40's and went and got a stupid degree in it ;-)

But I have to say, looking back over YIKES! 20 years of researching parenting sh*t (almost. September 1988, stick turned pink, I headed for the library...) that

1) Experts change their minds a lot. you're not gonna get it right according to the experts and be able to sit pretty with that smug knowledge for 20 years or even 4 years. Case in point, front sleeping vs. back sleeping.

2) The researchers never met your kid. Your kid may be an outlier. On everything ;-) Good luck!

3) That way lies madness as some others have posted and

4) you gotta look really carefully at what they're measuring. How do they define "successful?" Are they highlighting things which you don't agree with/leaving out factors you feel are vital? look at methodology, sampling, and whether their conclusions follow from their data. Also:

5) Are the effects so miniscule (even if they're statistically significant) that following this advice is not worth it to you (yeah, you might get a slightly higher IQ, but your family will be miserable for years if you follow the advice...) And

6) It's a science but I think there's a lot more of an art to it.

Is the proof in the pudding? Or is there (much) more than one way to skin a cat? Or can I overdose on sayings? I think I am living proof that you can try very hard and still scr*w up; that you can scr*w up and still have your kids turn out awesome; that there are so many factors you cannot account for all of them, and that if I've found one thing and one thing alone that is important it is so basic that it is trite, but it is never trite. Love your kids and let them know that, and hand in there for them for the long haul.

[shirky]

I am maybe going to sound a bit brusque here, but it's all from a place of love:

If you hate doing it, just stop. and don't feel a bit guilty. You're perfectly capable of making decisions without 98798625 other people's opinions.

and I offer this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE

[Shandra]

I'm an information junkie but I realized it was impeding my life when I was on the internet reading about babies and my son was grabbing my leg for attention.

Now I only research things when I have a specific question that comes up in the present, like "I have to buy a helmet." I try to stay away from the general stuff, except here and chatting with my mum's group and my daycare.

For the second - look, I don't think your husband is behaving right here.

Raising a child is a relationship, not product management. There is no way to achieve perfect, correct answers.

It sounds like he needs to get his head around that - and maybe so do you. I'd suggest breaking the types of decisions down...

If these are purchasing decisions (what's the best XXX) then I think just assign areas where people do the buying and let that person decide however.

If it's a lifestyle choice issue like "cloth or disposable" then I think it helps to have two 'meetings' about it - one to say "what do we need to know to make this decision" (because maybe you just already have the information you need) and if something comes up then you assign someone to research it.

And if it's something general like discipline approaches or even perhaps CIO, then I think it's a bit of a dance... a lot of information will come from inside and from your community, but then one of you might find one "lightbulb" book or something. My suggestion with those is keep them to a minimum 'cause it gets overwhelming to people who are not info junkies.

[Kat]

hmmmm...I thought it was just me!
I am compulsive about research, especially while I was pregnant and considering birthing (now, sleep takes priority!). My husband is an "instinct" parent - to quote him directly "you'll make yourself crazy trying to figure all that out". Sometimes, he is right - his instinct was to pull the baby into bed with us, for me to nurse him down (again, "why would you NOT do something you know works?), and lots of other good stuff. Sometimes though, I have a different view and, luckily, he respects it since he knows that I've probably researched the hell out of it and thought about it a lot (example: it was equally okay for him if I breastfed or we bottlefed until I really explained all the good reasons for breastfeeding, then he was the biggest champion). All the said, I don't have any hope that he will become a researcher but I'm satisfied that he supports my research. As the others have said, the best time for discussion is after a nice meal while we are relaxed.

I'm also on the other side of the Atlantic and it is amazing how different the advice can be on some things. I also use the guideline that if some advice is recommended on both sides of the Atlantic then there may be some value to it. However, the nurses at our health station were not impressed when I questioned their sleep advice (standing by the crib and letting him cry himself to sleep, maybe singing if I really felt I needed to - starting at FOUR months!).

[emily]

It seems to me that so far we are addressing Anonymous' question far more than Amanda's. For the question of the never-ending research (and not the question of who does it), I think a few things happen -- and I say this without much more experience than you; I have a toddler and one on the way.

1) The problems sometimes narrow themselves. We liked the first preschool so much we didn't check out any others. When it stopped working, we looked at three more, not twenty.

2) At 8 months, it's hard to find a community of other local parents. As kids get older and spend more time with other kids, it's easier to get recommendations from their parents, and you have a better sense of whose parenting aligns with yours. So you're not always starting from scratch.

3) Similarly, it can happen that you end up researching some things that really matter to you, and relying on the word of your friends for other things. One of my colleagues has promised me a hands-on cloth diaper tutorial so I don't have to navigate that whole world. A trusted friend is totally up on the plastics controversy.

4) There will be stretches when there are no issues to research - or when you just don't care to do it, and chances are, your child will be fine anyway... I think we do lots of pregnancy/birth/new baby research because it's our way of coming to terms with this totally unfamiliar world we're entering. But the longer we live in it, the more familiar it becomes, and the less we feel like we will screw up if we fail to read everything about everything. For a while I was bringing lists from "Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos" to the bookstore and the library. I still think it's a great book and I use it for ideas, but I also realized that it didn't much matter WHAT I read but HOW and WHETHER I read with my son.

5) As we get to know our kids, that gives us direction about the issues that matter most in our own families.

6) You get used to it. And you read Ask Moxie!

For Amanda AND Anonymous - it *sometimes* works with us when I give my husband an issue, and say, 'this one is yours. here are the sources you need to read. tell me your opinion on it by next Sunday.' So I'm outsourcing the work, but making sure it's still a thoughtful decision... it only works, though, if you're really willing to give up the control and let him do it (mostly) his way.

[Emily]

(I don't see my comment posted, so apologies if it shows up twice).

For the question of the never-ending research (and not the question of who does it), I think a few things happen -- and I say this without much more experience than you; I have a toddler and one on the way.

1) The problems sometimes narrow themselves. We liked the first preschool so much we didn't check out any others. When it stopped working, we looked at three more, not twenty.

2) At 8 months, it's hard to find a community of other local parents. As kids get older and spend more time with other kids, it's easier to get recommendations from their parents, and you have a better sense of whose parenting aligns with yours. So you're not always starting from scratch.

3) Similarly, it can happen that you end up researching some things that really matter to you, and relying on the word of your friends for other things. One of my colleagues has promised me a hands-on cloth diaper tutorial so I don't have to navigate that whole world. A trusted friend is totally up on the plastics controversy.

4) There will be stretches when there are no issues to research - or when you just don't care to do it, and chances are, your child will be fine anyway... I think we do lots of pregnancy/birth/new baby research because it's our way of coming to terms with this totally unfamiliar world we're entering. But the longer we live in it, the more familiar it becomes, and the less we feel like we will screw up if we fail to read everything about everything. For a while I was bringing lists from "Reading with Babies, Toddlers and Twos" to the bookstore and the library. I still think it's a great book and I use it for ideas, but I also realized that it didn't much matter WHAT I read but HOW and WHETHER I read with my son.

5) As we get to know our kids, that gives us direction about the issues that matter most in our own families.

6) You get used to it. And you read Ask Moxie!

For Amanda AND Anonymous - it *sometimes* works with us when I give my husband an issue, and say, 'this one is yours. here are the sources you need to read. tell me your opinion on it by next Sunday.' So I'm outsourcing the work, but making sure it's still a thoughtful decision... it only works, though, if you're really willing to give up the control and let him do it (mostly) his way.

[Emily]

While I was writing my comment, lots of other people pitched in for Amanda. So that first line isn't relevant. Then it did show up twice. I'll stop now!

[DW]

I did a ton of research during pregnancy and the early months with our little girl. But you know, I do very little these days. That's largely due to the influence this site. If there's something I REALLY need to know about, sure, I'll do some reading.

But by and large, I go with my instincts. If something feels right/wrong, I figure it's probably true.

Over-researching makes me stressed, overwhelmed and LESS confident in my abilities as a parent. When I go with my gut, I feel more tuned in to what my daughter (or we, as parents) needs. Of course, YMMV.

[hedra]

The points on the two sides of the Atlantic, and on the quality, relevance, rigor, merit, 'durability' over time, and applicability-to-my-child of research study X are part of what I was trying to say.

Basically, I find a lot of disagreement about what actions create what results. Which means either 'it's not related' or 'we haven't figured it out'. And then there's a good section of crossover zone where you get some solid repeating evidence over time. It takes a good memory and a lot of reading (and not just the abstracts) to figure out if something is worthwhile.

This is one reason I like Ann Douglas (the Mother of All series) - she does immense amounts of research, does quality checks on the research, and then lays out all the various possible answers for you to pick from based on your family, your child, your read of what will be something you can do, or something that might work.

If you're sick of researching, you could always pick up her books and start there, since they cover 90% of the range from the get-go, assume you have brains to figure out what you want to try, and give some concrete information based on 'already did the research' but also cite cite cite so you don't wonder what experts she has hidden away (and how old or crazy they might be).

For medical stuff, I go evidence-based (Cochrane Medical Abstracts, at the very least). For social stuff and interpersonal stuff, I find my personal comfort zone on the spectrum and work from that side toward the other end until I find something that works or I can't accept going farther that way.

I do try not to let the research drive me nuts. But I also love doing it. And love seeing that for most things, no matter what we do, if we keep trying, we'll mess up, and un-mess up, repeatedly, and that in the end we'll do reasonably okay just from having made the good-faith effort. Just like enu says.

There are a million different ways of doing things in between research-based-approach A and research-based-approach Z.

[Shelley]

One thing that caught me truly flat-footed, Amanda, is that all the books are more or less in agreement on how to have a healthy pregnancy, but you can find multiple sources in direct disagreement with each other on any aspect of childrearing. I was about to make myself nuts until I decided to research only those things I didn't have any instincts on whatsoever (i.e. which 529 plan), or research things that were causing problems (my kid's tendency to get croup).

I'm not suggesting you just wing it all the time. What I am saying is use judgement about what really needs research and what decisions you can make using judgement alone. I mean, which preschool needs research, but which swim lessons -- not so much.

Finally, I assure you that by being an engaged parent your kid is getting enough movement time. In fact, I'd posit that anyone together enough to be aware of Ask Moxie is doing a great job.

[Katie]

I'm definitely the researcher in our marriage, in all things, not just parenting. It hasn't bugged me that much while we've been parents, though, because I figured out early on that he HATES planning while I actually kind of enjoy it. So, when I try to get him to participate in my ultra-research-planning it doesn't go over very well. Instead I just summarize and keep him informed at times that work for both of us.

One thing I have learned in my marriage that might apply here is that it is the things that I most love about my husband that are often the things that bug me the most. So, for example, I love how spontaneous and action-oriented my husband is. But, at the same time the thing that probably bugs me the most is when he doesn't plan ahead and just does things without thinking through the consequences. The two things are the SAME THING just in different circumstances. So, I try to be more patient with him when we're running late for something because I remember how much fun we've had in the past when we just did something on the spur of the moment.

[Mandy]

I'm laughing so hard right now, because I've seen myself in a lot of the comments. I researched cribs, car seats, so many things when pregnant with my daughter.

Now my son is here and I realize that I'm not up on what milestones happen when, I'm a chapter or three behind on the sleep book that helped so much with my daughter, and I have not yet made my decision about what car seat I'll move him into when he outgrows the infant carrier so much faster than his sister did. LMAO.

I will say though, that sometimes the research does help and I'm one that finds comfort in information. When my daughter had seizures it was me that figured out the food intolerance causing them, then presented that to our doctor. So, yes, sometimes researching like that is good.

As far as what to do when you're the one doing the research and then the decision gets questioned --- I know my husband is not as into checking into things as I am, and generally we've come to a point where we agree that I'm willing to be the one to look into things and tell him what I've found. He can either discuss it with me to give his input or tell me to go with what I've decided, but if he tells me to make the decision and doesn't want to take part in the discussion then he loses his right to complain about it.

for example, on car seats my husband would be the type to just assume any of them will do as they meet safety standards and say "just pick one." However, I tend to look at which one will work best for us weight/height wise, what the reviews are, whether it will fit right in our vehicle and how easy it is to adjust, etc.

So, ultimately on things like that he has me take care of getting one. He doesn't really care to read all the stuff, and trusts me to make the decision. Did he say after the convertible car seat purchase for our daughter "did we have to buy one that expensive?" yes, he did. However, I pointed out to him that the way our daughter grows it will still last us a few more years, ultimately not being expensive at all.

[m]

I'm a Lazy Parent (TM), so my research has dwindled sooo much. When I was pregnant with Son One, I felt like birth was going to be the biggest, most important final exam of my life, so I researched like I had never researched before. I think I burnt myself out. I stopped reading baby books completely by the time he was six months old. With my pregnancy with Son Two, I reread the Sear's Pregnancy book during my last month of pregnancy and that was it. I found that baby books stressed me out. Basically, now, if I need to research something, I do an archive search of this site! ;) Other than that, I trust my instincts and those of my husband's.

My husband has never done much baby research, but like Hedra's DH, he respects my brain and what I come up with. We discuss parenting issues all the time, even long before we know we need to make a decision. For example, although Son One has only turned two, we have been talking about schooling options for him since before we were even married! That's extreme, but even for other things, we talk, talk, talk and come up with decisions together. But, it does help that we are on the same page for parenting styles.

[Amy M]

My only advice for anonymous is to leave the books that she is reading in the bathroom. (Sorry that this advice doesn't work for web links - maybe print out important stuff and leave it there, too.)

For a while, the bathroom was the only place I was getting any valuable away-from-baby reading time. The next thing I knew my husband was quoting something from the book I was reading. We have a basket of reading material in there and apparently he had read all of his stuff so he started reading the baby books!

It's not a precise strategy for decisions that need to be made asap, but it might be a way to get discussion started...

[Brooke]

Uh, research? About crawling? I had no idea one could even do that. Honestly, trying to figure out the "right" way to parent seems like a huge waste of time unless your goal is to make yourself crazy. Feed your kid food, give them love, keep them safe as best you can. I mean, seriously, is there supposed to be more to it than that? If you are having trouble, ask for help obviously, but don't go looking for ways you could be doing it "wrong."

[cheryl]

I may have a great husband who I work well with, and we mostly parent by our instincts (and backed up when necessary) but I was about to murder him for his lack of research and my perceived stupidity (on his part) the other day. Number 2 is on it's way and I keep having false starts with labour. We were out for a walk the other day - to see if this indeed was it. He is getting antsy because I'm timing my contractions and they are getting painful. Then he starts asking questions about how far apart they should be, when we are supposed to go to the hospital, and what are the other signs of labour. Oh, I was snarky with him! I worry about what I'll be like in real labour. But once things settled down I pulled out a book, marked the pages on labour and told him he either better read it or refrain from asking me any questions about labour while in labour. He hates reading, so the latter will likely be the case. But I also warned him that if he asks any more stupid questions when I am in labour (false or real) that he is getting kicked out of the room and can come back when the baby is born!

Now, if only our kid was like buying electronics or cables... That gets researched and organized to death! Oh well, we discuss the important things and he always defers to whatever research I do, and usually asks useful questions.

[marsupial jones]

"Maybe you're reading TOO much? I hate to sound like the wizened crone of the tribe here, but there comes a time when "you're the best parent for YOUR child" is all you need to hear."--said someone above.

I agree with this a lot.

I'm really surprised that everyone is so PRO research. I'm not ANTI-research at all. But I really think it is possible to allow the reading and research to encourage us to be too controlling. It seems to me that in the beginning we have more responsibility and are forced to make the decisions. But, from day 1, children become more and more independent. I think there will always be times, until they are adults, that we must and will make decisions for them via research and advice and our own instinct and knowledge of our children.

The most important thing I have learned from parenting is that you have to get out of your child's way. That is not to suggest that you are passive, that you are uninformed. But, eventually children must learn to make their own decisions based on information that they find and research. Our job is to guide, to help, to make space for them to learn and grow. I really think it takes practice and conscious work to do all this, to stay "out of the way" but is absolutely crucial. I'm not saying that people who do lots of research are bad parents, by ANY stretch at all. Please don't read that. Trust your children though.

I agree with Brooke. Don't look for ways you're doing it wrong or how to be perfect. New research and opinions will always come out. It's impossible to always be up-to-date. I think Shandra is right to suggest that researching relevant and especially safety-related things is most important.

I hope no one thinks I'm dissing them. Just a different perspective, I hope.

[caramama]

Can I just say that I agree with every single comment???

I also wanted to add to my comment (thought of it after I posted) that stuff about not researching every little thing, and that I've found I've done a lot less as my little one gets older. I'm also better at finding one thing that seems perfect and going with it, rather than continuing to research all the other possibilities (I'm think of daycares here). Sometimes, you've just got to let it go.

[Jan]

For Amanda, I recommend a second kid. That's the point at which I became much more about flying by the seat of my pants, winging it and all those other euphemisms for trusting my own instincts.

For one thing, there's precious little time for research once another comes along. But what really solidified it for me was how very different my two kids were. It just made me realize that nobody could write a book with step by step instructions on how to raise a kid, because they're NOT ALL THE SAME. Duh, I know.

I still love to read about techniques for various child-rearing tasks, but I no longer feel any particular drive to find the "right" way to do things. I find a way that appeals to me and if it works with my kid, we have a winner.

For Anonymous, my husband isn't too keen on reading-up, either, and I just tell him flat-out that if he wants to express an opinion, he better speak up because otherwise I'm going with what I learned. Occasionally he does, but the truth of the matter is that usually he'd rather let me do the bulk of the project planning. Which works out well for my inner control freak. Heh.

And I totally agree with whoever upthread said that if you consider researching stuff a load that you'd rather not be bothered with, there's nothing that says you have to do it. If you're not sure about something, ask your pediatrician, ask your mom, ask a friend (hell, ask us here, there are certainly no shortage of people here that can be talked into telling you what to do!) and just go with that answer. No reason to tie yourself in knots.

[Theresa]

Wow, I feel like I'm definitely in the minority as a "instinct" mom with a father who would research more if I listened more.

He and I have lots of conversations about making gut decisions vs informed decisions. I'm normally one of those people who buys a book before doing anything but with my baby girl (now 9.5 months) I operate almost exclusively in instinct mode, whether it be strollers, food, baby-proofing, etc. I like to think that a lot of it is common sense that doesn't require research, but I also think it has to do with the fact that time I spend researching is not time I spend with the baby or doing something else that is important to me.

When some research is required, my husband and I tend to divide things up. He will research baby/child equipment, I tend to research more behavioral things. That way each of us has responsibilities and no one gets saddled with all the work. Even so, we're both pretty ad-hoc about it. But we both agree to ignore the research if one of us has an instinctual feeling that needs to be respected. We are the only people with our baby everyday and I figure that our instincts and understanding of ourselves and our baby should always override anything you can find on the internet.

[Blythe]

Anonymous, I know where you're coming from and I agree with what's been said about a) talking about the problem at a calm, receptive time (ie not in the middle of the night while holding a shrieking child, not that I've ever done such a thing), and b)being OK with him as decision-maker, even when he makes decisions differently than you might. That's really tough (as SarcastiCarrie noted) but it's important for me to tell myself that not only am I the perfect parent for my child, my husband is too. Also, while I'm a better researcher, he's definitely better at just hanging in there and not freaking out when all the stuff in the books isn't working (since he never read the books in the first place).

[Maureen]

This is probably one of the biggest problem areas in our current division of labor. I think we have everything else pretty well split in terms of house-hold maintenance/child care. I've talked to my husband (during our last blow up when we really talked during the resolution phase) about how I am expected to read all the discipline/advice books and that it is rather frustrating. We left it that I'd suggest/give him books I thought were worth reading - he read the Positive Parenting book for the next 3-4 days on his train ride in (and I think got to at least the second chapter) and then it definitely dropped off substantially. I have since seen him occasionally reading it when he's outside BBQing or something so all hope is not lost. But that said, we obviously have a long way to go.

The concept of me reading all the books and providing outlines to him is one I find soo frustrating. It is probably the best solution in terms of most realistic to succeed - I just can't get there yet.

[Maureen]

Got distracted at work so I forgot to add my comment about the original thought regarding always having an endless horizon of research. I am soooo impressed with so many of the ladies here in terms of their breadth of knowledge and their commitment to finding time and making the effort to read so many parenting books. I order so many of the recommended titles and they just keep stacking up as I plug along very slowly trying to find the time to get through them. "My" time is very limited so it gets to a point of either reading a parenting book or reading for fun or watching TV and just detoxing with a magazine... so hard to chose the parenting book at the end of the day when I am just plain tired.

[hedra]

I will say that research for me isn't about 'doing it right' but about 'determining some options and range'. Because boy will needing to find THE right way rise up and bite you later!

My way. I do things MY way. But I do like to have a foundation for my choices, and research is where I go when I don't seem to have a clear idea of the range, implications, issues, disagreements, etc.

At 2 AM, I am not looking up how to settle my child back to sleep. I'm just doing it. But if I wonder whether there's a better way, or if there's something I can do that might help, or if I need to be concerned about something that is niggling at my mind, then yeah, I'm on it.

And ditto on the 'further kids reduce the research drive' thing - harder to obsess about details with less time, and easier to see that normal has a huge range with more kids.

I'm still a researcher, though. For me, it informs my parenting. It doesn't create my choices, but it definitely informs them.

And I expect to have messed it up, both with and without research. Researching doesn't keep you from messing up. Neither does instinct. Messing up is just part of the deal.

[hedra]

@Maureen, my parenting book reading is all bathroom reading. It takes me some time to get through them! (and I still read the junk magazines in there, too. So... months. MONTHS to get through some books. In 2 paragraph increments sometimes.)

[Julie]

Ya, my husband doesn't do any research or reading either. Mostly because he works a lot, but also because reading anything for more than 15 minutes makes him fall asleep. So I bear that burden. I think keeping him involved in the decision-making like Slim said is a good idea.....after sex is when I bring up things that might be a little sticky and he's usually gung-ho for anything then. Feels a little manipulative at times, but it puts everyone in a good mood so I keep reminding myself that that's what's important.

As for the too much research....ya. Been there. I think trying to figure out what is the *right* way to parent versus the *right way for you* to parent is hard for new moms to distinguish - shades of gray difference. I hear it gets a lot easier with the second because you just don't have the time. Can't wait. Try to look at it through the lens of trying to do what's right for your family, and stop looking for the *right way* because there are MANY right ways to parent a child. It sounds like you are trying to make decisions based on "not ruining your child down the line" and I hate to say it.....but it's gonna happen no matter how hard you try not to. And I've said it before and I'll say it again......research is only valid when it is *peer reviewed*. Check your resources before you take anything as gospel truth....and even then you can find research to back up pretty much anything. Any yahoo can write a book or post something on the internet. So go easy on yourself, trust your instincts, and maybe set some research limits for yourself. Big hugs....I know it's hard.

[ACJ]

I think I'm glad that marriage is harder for some other families too. At least that's what I took from the comments. For us though, it's just harder in the same direction that's it's always been hard - content has changed but style has not. We both want to be right and sometimes forget that we would probably rather be married than be right if it came down to it.

I have no clever solutions really, but just shared commiseration that as the stakes get higher, the intensity of the disagreement does too and all we can do is practice what we know about being kind to each other and starting over from the beginning when we go off the rails. I like to think of it as modeling conflict resolution skills for T. in my more optimistic moments.

I guess I wonder for Anon if maybe they too need to get back to the marriage basics of respectful communication. It would be on in a big way if SJ enjoyed my failures and mistakes. If I was in a good space, I would say something like "I need a new idea, not an enemy. Can you help me, or should I call a friend?" The rest of the time I would say something like "F&ck off *sshole."

One usually works a lot better than the other. I'm hoping I can remember that next time.

[Charisse]

@enu, what a freaking awesome comment!!!

I have definitely found that if I'm doing a lot of research (beyond asking friends IRL or online) it's evidence of a deeper stress that I need to work out. Mouse is an outlier if not on everything, on many things (amount of sleep needed, food preferences, timing of certain milestones, strength of will...etc.) Reading parenting books drove me bonkers when I could only find a few sentences here and there that referenced the "wakeful but not overtired" child or some other aspect of her. Mr. C is great at reminding me of this--"hey, it looks like there are a lot of parenting books arriving from Amazon, are you OK?" We disagree often enough, but we'd never solve an argument with research--we're just too aware that it might have nothing to do with our situation. (And, as a researcher of a sort, I'm all too aware that study reports can be written to say damn near anything.) Not to say that it's all valueless, but much of it ain't the gospel either. Medical stuff would of course be different, I'm speaking of general child-rearing decisions.

Mr. C trusts his instincts more than I trust mine, so he doesn't fly to research when he gets worried (he doesn't worry much actually, which is fantastic--I mean, he does when he should, but he doesn't do the pointless what ifs that I can get caught in) but he can be very sure he's right and he has a bit of the male sociolinguistic thing where a guy talks as if he's positive whether he actually knows anything or not. But it's easy for me to call him on that.

I think, like hedra, I'm blessed with a partner who respects my intellect--fully, i.e. to the extent that we're able to argue equally on the basis of opinion, without me having to have extra research to back mine up against his unresearched instinct.

I think the thing is, there are diminishing returns somewhere between good enough and perfect. And there are different areas of life where good enough is a higher bar--for us, schools have a very high bar but nutrition, well, good enough is some variety and some veggies but it doesn't have to hit an ideal. Good enough on sleep is down by not too long after 9pm, though we'd love 8 it's just not worth the effort it would take (if it is indeed even possible with her). So if we can get in synch on what's good enough, we can stop the research spin. No idea if that helps. Good luck.

[Florabora]

I'm a research librarian. My husband's also a librarian. Has he done an ounce of research other than what stroller looks the coolest? No. Did he read the articles I sent him, books in the bathroom, blog posts emailed? (mostly, no).

He processed this info best by having me read it and then spout it out to him. It does get frustrating, especially since he's hard of hearing (or pretends to be) and has an easy time tuning out what I'm saying. I've learned to laugh it off, but it does still bug me. A little.

Here's a suggestion: you can research all that you want, but you need to decide before you start what your benchmark is. Set a timer before you go online. If you can't find your answer in 15 minutes, maybe it's something you should ask a professional about (your pediatrician, La Leche, your local hospital education center, social services, a ref librarian at your local public library) or post to a blog (but be willing to hear lots of differing opinions).

[meggiemoo]

Like most of the women here, I am the researcher in our family when it comes to anything regarding development, personality, brain function, etc. My husband, OTOH, will spend a week researching a new camera, whereas I could care less about that.

I research because I'm absolutely fascinated by it. I would say to new mothers out there, do the reading if:

a) you really like it, and find it enjoyable

or

b) there's a specific problem you want to find the answer to

I found the more general baby books (esp. the ones on sleep) were actually harmful to my parenting because my kid just didn't fit their profile. Still doesn't. But now that I know his sensory issues, I can read specific research, and it's very helpful.

I've tried flagging books, underlining passages...generally my DH is a very slow reader, so reading isn't enjoyable for him. He's pretty happy to let me read 5 books on the topic, digest the info, and bring it up casually. It works for us (so far).

[Suki]

It's amazing that all the posters (myself included) are saying that they are doing the research, while their husbands are just the 'instinct types'. Could it really be that we all just happen to be research types and the husbands just happen to be instinct types - or is it more that women still carry the load of childrearing responsibilities, and feel that if they don't do it themselves (ie read about it / make an informed decision), it just won't get done.

I have researched myself to madness at various points in my son's life, and I don't think that's the right way. There has to be a limit to the research, especially in the age of the internet, it's just TOO MUCH at times. But, I'm all for making informed decisions, so I keep at it...

Thankfully, my husband totally respects my decisions on all baby-related issues, because I'm the one who has thought about the details. That's cool, on the one hand, but on the other hand it's not cool because it's a burden and it seems always to be the mother who is carrying the burden w/r/t raising the kids.

But, at the end of the day, do I want to strain our relationship over yet another issue? No. I just hope that someday things even out (ie 5am hockey practices; guess who will be getting out of bed to drive our son to the rink? NOT me :)).

[rudyinparis]

I'm laughing here because I have the series Moxie recommends (by Gates? Can't remember author names)...you know, the ones with titles like "Your two year old: wild and wooly" "Your four year old: friend or fiendish lunatic?"... Anyway, by the time I get to them I'm a year behind! So I always end up thinking, "Oh, so THAT'S what was going on! Sure would have been good to know that 6 months ago!"

[Kait]

My husband is NOT a reader, so to expect him to do research would be setting myself up for failure. When I first got pregnant, I bought him the father's companion for my pregnancy book. What a mistake! It's still sitting on his nightstand with the book mark on about page 5 (daughter is 9 months old, now).

Now, I do the research and preface it with "I was thinking about... this is my gut feeling... what do you think?" That way he can say "Yeah, that sounds good", and we don't get into that whole fault game.

The only thing we don't agree on is cloth diapering. Mostly, he's not comfortable changing the diapers because he doesn't really know what to do. Being the perfectionist that he is, he's a little wary of trying. This is mostly my fault, for not teaching him how to do it. Once my fancy diapers get here, I'll definitely be handing some of the doody duty off to him! :)

[Kristie]

Wow, like everyone else I too have almost the exact same experience (who knew?). I don't really mind doing all the research, in truth I like the power of knowledge and being able to control things. When I am resolute in my decisions, second guessing by my husband doesn't make a dent. It is when I am not really sure of myself, or things don't seem to be working that the second guessing/criticism makes me seethe. I finally told him that if he wasn't going to bother doing any research then he needed to keep his mouth shut. Plus explained that I needed him on my team, not working against me. (This conversation was tearfully held at 4am btw which may have made it more potent.) That's what worked for me, but I'm always a "lay it right out on the table" kind fo girl.