Q&A: hiding early pregnancy on family vacation

I realized I've been dodging writing about negotiating things with your parents for awhile, but it's time to bite the bullet and write about it. And that it's really more like 3 days' worth. So the whole adult kids/adult parents thing is going to start Tuesday, after I've had the holiday weekend (here in the US) to work on it.

For today, though, a time-sensitive question from Rachel:

"I am going to [American region famous for wineries] for an extended Memorial Day weekend family vacation with my in-laws! And, I will be almost 7 weeks pregnant at that time, and don't want to tell them!

Help!

My husband and I don't drink, so we are already out of the wine tasting events, but we have reservations for almost every meal (Sunday through Wed morning) at amazing restaurants. Under normal circumstances I would be *very* excited about these restaurants, however for the past week I have been having major food/smell aversions and my diet has consisted of things like plain chicken breast, white rice and mini stoned wheat thin crackers. Don't think I'll be finding these items on the menus of the foodie restaurants in [American region famous for wineries]. I am assuming my morning sickness/aversions will be getting worse before they get better...Another problem is that my in-laws are late eaters, so all of our dinner reservations are at 8pm and I know I'm going to need to eat before then, especially the first day when I will be on east coast time and 8 will be 11pm for me.

We are also all staying in a "family lodge" which has separate bedrooms, but a common living area, so it may be hard to sneak off for naps, go eat on my own,  to go throw up, etc.

We may end up having to tell them, but really don't want to tell people quite so early as I haven't even had a prenatal appointment or ultrasound yet (just a confirming blood test).

I thought about faking sick, but my MIL is a nurse, and so any mention of illness will actually bring more attention from her, not less. we don't want the pregnancy to be the focus of the vacation, as the intended purpose of the family vacation is to celebrate my inlaws anniversary and birthdays.

If your readers have any advice I would appreciate it! Would also recommend easily portable snacks that can go through airport security for the plane -- my old standby of a turkey sandwich is out due to the pregnancy ban on deli meats..."

Rats. My old standby, faking sick, is out.

Unless... Can your husband fake sick? And you can stay with him to "take care" of him?

My other suggestion is to choose one or two people you would be OK with knowing if you do miscarry, and have them run interference for you.

But you guys are sneaky, too. What do you have for Rachel?

Comments

[Emily]

Here's hoping this works. Test?

[Emily]

Okay, well, that worked, so here's my advice.

I would say to attribute the not drinking to taking antibiotics of some kind, maybe for something personal that you don't want to talk about with your family. I've done that when I didn't feel like drinking but also didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it. Like, "Yeah, I'm just clearing up a weird infection, so my doctor recommended I lay off the sauce for a week or so."

And DEFINITELY use the time change to account for needing to eat differently, and at different times. Try to find appetizers you know you'll be able to eat, or soup, or something, and have those with everyone else but explain you aren't dealing well with the time change and needed to eat earlier by yourself so you didn't get grouchy.

[OneAndDone]

Oof, that's tough. I had to tell all of my colleagues at work when I was only 6 weeks preggo because I was so sick and looked and felt terrible. There was no way to keep making up excuses, so I just spilled it. I was SO conflicted and had not even told my dad or my in-laws yet, but just couldn't hide it. I did ask that folks try to down-play it, as I was so worried about miscarrying. They were very accomodating to my abbreviated/arriving later schedule, use of sick days, being snappish and grumpy and green around the gills all day, etc. And when I completed my 1st trimester, and started feeling better, I signalled that I was ready to start enjoying and talking more about it. With family, it would be lots harder as they will be so excited to hear your news and will want to talk about it, but hopefully they would understand your reticence. So, I have no sneaky tip for you, but I sure wish you the best! Also, a good ol' PB&J sandwich should travel well on the plane, and the protein will stick to you. Also, string cheese.

[Kate]

I'd just come clean with the in-laws, early on, including your reticence to have even had to spill beans early, and then say "now let's focus on YOU" and hope the whole thing ends up helping bond everyone. Too Pollyanna? But less stress, which isn't good for anyone, least of all you and your teeny baby.

Plane tip: pretzels. Bland! Easily portable. (And later, non-plane-trapped, don't forget that you can toast or nuke deli meats to 160 degrees and thus enjoy safely.)

Wishing you a great weekend trip and a healthy remaining 33 weeks ...

[O]

The first time I read your post, I was thinking "extended family," rather than "extended weekend," so some of this won't fit. But some might still, not knowing your family...
Believe it or not, most people won't notice. Some might be thinking "hmmmmm..." to themselves, especially if they are on babywatch for you.
To wit: I didn't want to tell my office about my pregnancy until we were past a massive work deadline. I was often leading large meetings by 7:30 in the morning, when all I wanted to do was heave, so I'd just sip my coke and pretend I ate breakfast already or was queasy from jetlag.
Same people from breakfast meeting where I was "queasy" would find me later snarfing down a double order of chicken parmesan and make surprised comments about my "recovery." And still never figured it out.
Now, they weren't family, but I was spending 14+ hours/day with them and it was a place I'd worked for over a decade, so these weren't passing strangers.
The flip side, though, is my MIL has amazing baby radar...she knew each of her daughers were expecting as soon as the daughters did. And I've had other friends who can take one look at someone and say, "Oh my gosh, you're pregnant!" So be prepared for that, esp. with a nurse for a MIL.
Try nuts. Almonds worked great for me. I also loved avocado when I was pregnant (and always, really, but especially when pregnant).
Good luck! Hope it's a great trip!

[Laura]

I live in the Bay Area and took visiting family members through Napa when I was three months pregnant and not ready to divulge the fact. (I assume you're going to Napa. Apologies if not. Sonoma?) Anyway, not drinking is, as you note, NOT the problem. It's not eating. If you aren't going to the prix fixe places - avoid the French Laundry if you can, they won't make any special meals for anyone - you should be okay. At Tra Vigne (very good place; go back there when you can eat again!), I ordered plain pasta with olive oil and they were happy to comply. The same was true at most of the other fancy places: Auberge du Soleil, etc. The advantage to touring Northern California is that most restaurants are used to people with insane/specialized diets and are willing to prepare a small special meal for you.

Now, how to hide the fact that you're pregnant? Despite my best white lies - "my stomach is upset, I'm getting over the flu, etc." - my parents smoked out the lies in a second. They knew I was pregnant. I think you should come clean, enjoy your Wine Country tour guilt-free, and don't feel shy about asking for bland meals at fancy places.

[Madeleine]

I'm with Kate. I know it will change the tenor of the trip entirely (unless they have 5 other grandkids already) and they won't want to talk about anything else. But I don't see how you can possibly hide it, and they may feel hurt when it comes out that you didn't confide in them.

I made it through a Thanksgiving weekend with two different sets of relatives at about 4 weeks pregnant, but I am well known for my napping and I was doing OK foodwise at that point. A month later, we decided to tell the friends we were spending New Year's with because we figured the close quarters and my weirder eating patterns, by then, would be pretty obvious.

In any case, good luck, take care, and definitely carry plenty of snacks on the plane and everywhere else!

[Caroline]

We went to France last summer with my husband's relatives while I was in my first trimester. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but it was clear a couple of hours in that there was just NO way to hide it. The eating and drinking habits were just too different for someone who knows you not to notice.

So I told them, but also made it clear that I did not feel comfortable celebrating yet, especially already having had one miscarriage. They all understood, and were happy for us, without trying to start picking out names or anything.

I realized soon that i would have been Miserable had I not told them. I felt pretty well, but it was hot, and I was tired, and sometimes I needed to nap rather than be social and touristy. And I was glad to have support rather than questions.

My other thought is that they are probably going to figure it out in seconds anyhow. If you're married and they know you're even thinking about kids (and she's a nurse, to boot) there's no hope of keeping the secret. Just spill it and relax.

[Charisse]

Oh, good one! I remember hiding my 7-week pregnancy from a friend who invited me on a carousel outing with her and her daughter. (Sea Bands, which don't work for everybody but helped me a lot--they're worth a try for $10, combined with a stomach full of Ruffles and root beer, which for some reason settled my system down.)

You really might be able to get away with just feeling tired--jet lagged, work's been rough, etc. Remember, you're the one who has a big secret--they're not expecting anything. If you've figured out what helps you, definitely take it along--I liked potato chips, raisins, any kind of bread and mild cheese, melon, and not a lot of meat.

You could also claim something like "oh, work has been awful and my stomach's kind of sensitive when I'm stressed"--I'm pretty sure any restaurant in [famous American wine region] has fabulous bread and can do you some polenta or pasta without too much oil. Actually, that's another good idea--fill yourself up on the bread before the food comes, and then laugh at yourself.

Of course, that's all if you're just feeling crummy-to-lousy--if you're having serious nausea, you may just have to tell them. If they're anything like most parents, they'll like that just fine as a birthday/anniversary present.

[Elizabeth]

I was no good at hiding pregnancy from my parents, and I only see them once a week! I agree with the others that it might be easier and less stressful to just tell them. Then at least you get to tell the news how you want to instead of someone asking you about it in front of a large crowd (like happened to me).

[liz]

I would take your MIL aside quietly almost as soon as you get there and say, "I really don't want to take the focus off of you. It's your weekend! But I know you'll notice I'm not feeling well and I want to tell you that I'm pregnant. We've only had a bloodtest to confirm. Very early stages. Not out of first trimester yet. But I don't want to pretend like I'm not feeling queasy and tired and have you figure it out anyway, you know? Do you think I should tell FIL, or should we keep it just between us for a few more weeks?"

[mir]

I can't tell from your post if you're afraid of miscarrying or not ready to face the actual pregnancy. I would be honest. It's not worth your time and energy, especially as tired as you will be with all the time changes, etc. If your MIL is a nurse, then it's very likely she understands the risks in the early stages of pregnancy. Having support from both sides of your family whatever the outcome will be really useful. If you're just not ready to think about how your life will change with a baby (which was one of my issues), telling your MIL at least may help. There's a good chance FIL won't even notice...just my two cents. Good luck!

[Parisienne Mais Presque]

It kind of depends on your in-laws' personalities, I think. If they, like mine, are discreet and ultra-respectful of your privacy, then chances are that they won't say anything even if they suspect. That was the case with my husband's family, when I had stopped drinking at family meals -- and skipping the wine in France tends to get noticed -- they said nothing, and we agonized for weeks about how to tell them.

So my advice is that it may be less stressful for YOU to tell them in a low-key way, but if you really don't feel comfortable with that, don't stress too much about hiding it. You may be surprised, it may just not come up.

I think that in general people are so worried about guessing and getting it wrong (or not knowing about a possible history with previous miscarriages) that they won't say anything.

It may just be a cultural difference that I've noticed, because here in France people are so sensitive about how much of your private life you want to share that they err on the side of caution. My girlfriends in the US guessed immediately when I called up and started the conversation with "we have some news..." I held off telling my coworkers until I was three months pregnant and I know that my boss suspected when I started leaving early for doctor's appointments, but he said nothing.

I had no morning sickness, luckily, but I did have to spend a week at work sneaking off to the empty exercise room multiple times a day to make as-private-as-possible phone calls to three (!!!) different hospitals to find one that still had room in the maternity ward... and that at only six weeks pregnant. Yes, there's a bit of a baby boom here in France.

[&BabyMakes75]

All great ideas... another option would be the old "I know that she knows but she doesn't know that I know she knows..." Head spinning yet? Your partner could be conspiratorial with your MIL in that he could say, "My wonderful wife wanst to keep this a secret for now and I want to respect that but I'm telling you, helpful MIL, so that you understand blah blah blah, but please don't tell my wonderful wife that I told you because she..." YOU know that he told her but she doesn't know that you know this so she won't (hopefully) talk about it in front of you.

[&BabyMakes75]

All great ideas... another option would be the old "I know that she knows but she doesn't know that I know she knows..." Head spinning yet? Your partner could be conspiratorial with your MIL in that he could say, "My wonderful wife wanst to keep this a secret for now and I want to respect that but I'm telling you, helpful MIL, so that you understand blah blah blah, but please don't tell my wonderful wife that I told you because she..." YOU know that he told her but she doesn't know that you know this so she won't (hopefully) talk about it in front of you.

[the milliner]

Don't really have anything to add to the hiding strategies (including telling, which to me seems much less stressful than trying to hide it 24/7). But, as for the snacks, I find green apples help soothe my nausea or heartburn. I've also become addicted to raw carrots since I've been pregnant (travels great for the plane - stays crisp if peeled & cut & put in a ziploc), and nuts are always great for that quick protein boost. I'll also second the recommendation for the sea bands. Helped for me too with the nausea. Good luck & have fun on your vacation! Wine country is soooooo beautiful!

[Kate too]

This is interesting to read-I kept my pregnancy from family and coworkers for 14 weeks. The first trimester was tough, I lost a twin and we decided to have CVS done on the surviving twin (who is now sleeping next to me). Rather than lay all of that and the potential decisions that come with prenatal testing we decided to wait to tell people.

I felt terrible. I was sick and scared. I did tell a few friends-two were coworkers-we had to travel to the opposite coast and my OB was afraid that I would end in the ER.

So, how did I hide it at work and family gatherings? First, force of will. Second, it turns out that people are not as observant as you would think-Sometimes I just told people that I was watching what I ate (murmurs, nods, total acceptance). Finally, protein was my friend and I took Protein Bars everywhere

I admire the suggestion to just tell, but I also understand the possible need not to.

Good luck with the trip and best wishes with the pregnancy.

[Slim]

Any history of migraines with you? I always went with the "I've been getting a lot of migraines lately, so I'm trying to restrict my diet and get extra sleep and see if that helps."

[Cobblestone]

Ok ... so I'm the big liar in the group. Sigh. I would go with having had a touch of food poisioning over the last couple of days and wanting the naps and bland food to help a tender stomach.

[hedra]

No time to read all the comments, but I'm definitely on the 'just tell them if you love them' boat.

I didn't tell the first time. That was fine, but I kind of felt like I was enjoying the good parts by myself (okay a very few others knew), and worrying by myself, too.

I miscarried a lot, and I found that I coped better if people already knew I was pregnant, and then I told them about the loss. Trying to explain away my moods when they didn't know I'd miscarried felt horrible. So I'd tell, but they'd be 'oh, you miscarried a couple weeks ago. Huh. So sorry.' which wasn't really what I needed. I didn't need weeping and wailing and hand wringing, so of course, read your relatives for sanity, but... it's easier for me to just tell. It seems odd that we make people wait, like it's somehow wrong to suffer. As a result, I didn't even know who else among my peers I could talk to. When I started talking, I found a half dozen peers who could commiserate. It was good to not feel alone.

So, that's the worst case scenario side.

Good luck whichever choice you make about telling! (and oh, the alcohol fumes so sicked me out. Hope that works better for you.)

[paola]

It was hard both times keeping it secret from friends as I am renowned for imbibing and loooove all those Italian deli products that are eaten here in Italy on a daily basis. Both times I was found out really early on by one suspicious group of friends, and even now if I don't have my cocktail/wine/beer when we are with friends, this same couple asks me if I'm expecting again. So sorry, not much help here.

[Dana]

If you really don't want to tell you in-laws until after your 1st trimester, then by all means don't.

I was exceedingly exhausted my first trimester and would come home from work in
the evening and crash until the next day...

so I would recommend that you and your hubby *schedule* some daily nap time during your trip. Have your husband take the charge in *requesting* a daily siesta- that you both would like to have an hour or two in the afternoons to spend together & rest, workout, etc. YOU can nap during that time. Your husband can nap with you or exercise, etc. If you just go back to your room and your husband stays with the rest of the family, others might think that you aren't enjoying yourself or them, or that you and hubby are having issues. Believe me. I've been there.

[Kimberly C]

I have nothing to suggest for the keeping things under your hat on the trip thing- But a snack for the plane?

Rock the peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. It was pretty much the only thing I could eat in the first trimester that didn't make me sick. I made one and put it in a ziplock every night so that I could eat it first thing in the morning before I ever got vertical. Most times it worked. And it kind of appealed to the child I revert to when I feel like crap: comfort food.

[Cathy]

This has happened to me twice, and each time I handled it differently.

1. First baby. Matron of Honor at my sister's wedding at 10 weeks preg. I think I had just had the first visit at 8 weeks and told my folks and sis about the baby after that. And I think I checked with my sister to see if it was OK to tell people about the baby or if it was too thunder-stealerish. She said it was OK and so we told. Probably just as well, because it was an evening wedding (5 or 6pm) and after a long day of getting ready and then having a late dinner, I totally felt like crap.

2. 2nd baby, my cousin's college graduation. I think for this one, I was 7 or 8 weeks pregnant and didn't want to do any thunder-stealing again. I didn't feel too bad as long as I wasn't too hungry. I was getting a little pudgy, but not showing exactly. I waited and told everyone after we got home, via email. We were in a separate hotel room from the rest of the gang, so there was some personal space. I might have been more crabby than usual and my then-4 year old was still getting used to the idea that I wasn't allowed to pick her up. Having a little kid around is a good excuse to have plenty of traveling food.

After emailing, one aunt did say that she thought I had a "glow". So, your MIL and others might have a "HA! I knew something was up!" reaction.

As far as travelling food goes....granola bars, PB&J sandwiches (or peanut butter & fluff), crackers, etc. are all fine through airport security. I've even taken blue ice through, but it was a little nervewracking - it was in a zippered soft-sided cooler). Whole fruit should be fine to bring too.

The other thing is that 1st trimester exhaustion might kick in and you might have a lot of trouble staying up for those late dinners, let alone finding something plain on the menu (you can always make a special request for "plain" food.) And you might have a bit of a change in the color of your face too - more pink/rosy/flushed. Not sure if it's related to the vascularness of pregnancy or the change in body temp. or both.

[Mona]

I have been in your position, but ultimately after three healthy kids and one late miscarriage, realized that if you are going to share with these people that you have miscarried (which in all likelihood you will) you should share that you are expecting and downplay if that makes you feel more comfortable. My reasoning at first, when I was in your shoes, was why tell since this may not work out? However, it doesn't make much sense either to not say anything if you will spill the beans if something does happen. And almost everyone will say something to close family if they do miscarry. And, to be honest (perhaps too honest) sometimes it's impossible to keep a miscarriage a secret anyway, as it was in my case since it was in the second trimester and I had told people at work, etc. So please tell and trust that they will do the right thing.

[MrsHaley]

I agree with all the pps (esp. Hedra) who said just tell. The way I've thought about it is this: If you DO miscarry, might you want their help coping with it? Judging by the fact that you're spending a long vacation-type weekend with them, the relationship is probably pretty good. Telling now will allow you to turn to them if things go wrong, without having to drop both bombshells at the same time -- which would leave everyone reeling. Plus, grandparents will probably not see it as thunder-stealing. They will be thrilled to have something else to celebrate!

[isabel]

Asking your DH to spill the beans as a secret to MIL is a cool idea!

So is saying you are on a very strict diet. Gallbladder attack + antibiotics?

[Rachel]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for all of the comments and ideas!
1. I am a little afraid of miscarrying as I have PCOS and thus am higher risk (though I have not had a miscarriage in the past- this is my first pregnancy).

2. Our relationship with the in-laws is Ok, but not great -- there's a reason they live on the west coast and my husband chooses to stay on the east coast! It's complicated in ways I won't go into here, but my husband is not sure he wants to tell them yet, and it's not really related to miscarriage risk, but rather my MIL's, shall we say "personality quirks", to be nice about it. She will obsess about the baby as soon as she finds out and will immediately start buying us stuff that we do not want/have room for-- no matter how much we tell her we appreciate her thoughtfulness and generosity she continues to buy us stuff that we will never use/does not fit in our 700sqft loft condo with no storage. My SIL has 2 kids and we know from her experience that, if we tell, the baby stuff will begin arriving before we even get home from vacation!

3. Kate -- thanks for the tip about heating or toasting deli meats, I did not know that!

4. My husband and I are kind of enjoying having this little secret to ourselves for now (apart from telling you, dear internet friends, only 2 other than us know).

5. And now I have to go eat something before I throw up! thanks again! I will let you all know how it goes.

[Shandra]

Hey Rachel,

I've had 8 miscarriages, the last this week, and I just wanted to share that although having to tell 30 people about it sucks, a few doesn't (to me) make that much difference. It just sucks either way.

For me the stress of the secret would outweigh the thrill.

And your MIL is going to drown you in stuff either way. So I'm not sure the gain is worth the attempt, but go for it if you want to try it. :) I think you know all the issues are going to have to be negotiated anyway and if you want to delay for a bit that's your call!

For snacks and lunches - I used to just cook my own chickens or turkey breasts at home, or do a roast, slice and freeze the meat, and use it for sandwiches. Or just cook up a chicken breast the night before. I was not just concerned about listeria but I didn't want the salt and everything.

Once I could stomach the smell hummus was a great sandwich spread/snack, if you are worried about peanuts. (Hummus and roasted red pepper wraps - yum). Also avocado, cheese and cucumber, roasted vegetables with mozarella grated cheese, etc.

If you're not worried about nuts I found a small bag of trail mix (with or without peanuts) was easy to carry around. For spreads there are some great alternatives too - sunbutter (sunflower seed spread), pumpkin seed, and then the other nuts like almonds.

Also on the fine dining note, don't be afraid to consult with the maitre'd ahead of time or on your way in. You could tell your in-laws you are having some food intolerances and trying to stick to a limited menu. Most restaurants will be happy to work with you. Try getting sauces on the side and replacing whatever you don't like on the menu with rice or a plain veg. Good luck!

[Clementine]

The lying vs. truth decision rests, in part, on how well you and your husband can lie. Some people just can't do it.

I didn't think of it until this post, but a few years ago I had a 24-hour stomach bug and then had to travel for work just afterwards. For the first 3 days I was on the road, all I could eat was yoghurt, soup, bread, Lance peanut butter crackers and tea. In retrospect, maybe people thought I was pregnant, although I knew it couldn't be true and that never occurred to me at the time. My husband had the bug the night before I got it. That could add to the believability of the story. To make the story work, you might want to have him 'get sick' 3 days before you leave, and you 'get sick' 2 days before departure.

On the other hand, if you think they would do it, you could ask your family to be low-key about the news since it's so early. Your husband could tell them when you're not there, either in secret or not. Still, ou need to be comfortable with the decision to tell.

Good luck!

[m]

I can totally understand not wanting to tell the inlaws and I really enjoyed keeping the secret, too.

I like the idea of your husband requesting siesta/alone time. Also, perhaps you could say you are on a cleanse? And that your diet is really limited? They might be upset that you did it at this time, but if you can't play sick, I don't have much!

For both my first trimesters I wouldn't go anywhere without a bag of plain almonds. Lots of nutrition and no smell.

Good luck! And if they guess, deny, deny, deny. Or not. I hope you have a great time!

[Cloud]

If your hubby doesn't want to tell, then definitely enlist his help in the subterfuge.

For airplane snacks- your favorite crackers might be good. Anytime I feel woozy (and I did for most of my first trimester), I use the fizzy drinks and salty snacks method I rely on for boat travel. For some reason, if I'm eating something salty and drinking something fizzy, I don't get sick. I think Charisse noted a similar thing with Ruffles and Root Beer. I also developed a serious taste for Cranberry and Soda during those early days, which continues now. It was something about the mix of tart and fizzy that settled my stomach and made it possible for me to eat.

[Cobblestone]

Rachel,

How is it possible that we have the same MIL and still I don't remember having met you??

Good luck {and if you need some crib bumpers let me know - my MIL is sewing them even as we speak, with material she picked out, for a crib we don't own. she's magical like that}.

[Mme.G]

I hate to suggest this as a ruse, since I think it dilutes the claim when it's actually valid, but could you fake a migraine? That would cover the vomiting and would allow you to stay behind and relax.

[sara]

I was in this position - 7 weeks pregnant, traveling to Hawaii to spend Christmas vacation w/ my parents & sister. We had already had our first appt. & seen the heartbeat and I originally planned to share the news on Christmas day, but ended up deciding not to (too early, didn't want to make the vacation all about me, etc). Luckily, even though I was nauseous most of the time, I wasn't throwing up, and as a vegetarian I just played-up being a picky eater. However, my family enjoys their vacation margaritas, and as the only one sitting out (and spending 3/4 of the vacation asleep on the couch), it quickly became clear why. I even overheard my sister telling our parents that she thought I was pregnant while they tried to shush her.

In the end, everyone knew, but were incredibly and surprisingly respectful of our decision not to talk about it. When I called my mom at 12 weeks to tell her that I had some news and to guess what it was, she just started laughing and said that she was going to make me say it.

I guess my point is that even though I failed to recognize how hard I made it for my mom to not be able to talk about what will now be her first grandchild, she & everyone else respected our decision and our right to share the news when we felt it was appropriate, and it all turned out fine.

As far as the airport goes - we actually spent 5 hours in the middle of the night sleeping on a bench on a lanai in the Honolulu airport waiting for our connection. Extremely not cool. But we survived, and brought lots of snacks - rice cakes, soy crisps, granola bars, and the like totally saved my stomach.

[Betty]

I have no tips on the hiding-a-pregnancy angle but my portable airplane snack has always served me well, pregnant or not: it's sliced apples and cheddar in a whole-wheat or multigrain pita. Add lettuce or dijon mustard as you like. Filling, yummy, nutritious, easily stuffed in a bag, and not too messy when you eat it.

[hedra]

I can understand the desire to fend off the overstepping of personal and emotional boundaries as long as you can. Seriously, that's valid.

It still might not be important enough, in the process, and it might not work. I think you're prepared for those, so ... well, let him work the angles as much as you can, as long as you can. Do think also about how to set boundaries that you can live with - and one of the BEST ways to do that, IMHO, is to apply some people-do (direct their excessive Qi toward the goal you prefer) - so, if you do end up spilling the beans, or she guesses, be prepared to ask her for a specific thing (not object, concept) as 'grandma'. She won't know what to do with her energy if you don't guide it, so it will splat on everything. If she's particularly into ANYTHING that might be of value (arts, museums, gardening, music, food, ANYTHING), you can ask her if she can please be the provider of resources for that thing. Say, if it was 'we know you love music, and we'd love for you to be a major contributor to our child's understanding of the world of music' - she can start with finding the prettiest sounding mobile/musicbox/whatever for the baby, looking into musical toys, later finding good baby/child music and good classics for baby, etc. It will not all end up being what you want or expect, but it leaves some room for you to have for yourself, and allows them to have a role they can seriously show off to their peers. She'd be the envy of the grandma set, to have such a powerful (and yet limited) role. For my mom, it's 'enchantment' - I asked my mom to provide enchantment, to show my kids the wonders and magic of the world. And she so rocks at that. She can play it any way she wants, but she knows the boundaries and limits as well. She's not there for discipline, or for 'how to' or for furnishing the house, or buying stuff, she's there for enchantment.

Do definitely consider that on the way out. Because there's always the chance that it will be figured out, and having something concrete like that for you to discuss (another good one is 'what do you want to be called as grandmother? nana? gramma? grammy? grandma B?'). Throw her a bone, she'll probably thank you for considering her role so thoughtfully.

And she'll still buy you too much stuff. It took more than 10 years to get my ILs to tone down the STUFF thing. (Closer to 20, actually, as we're at the tail end of the grandkids set, and it's been going on a long long time, and only recently downgraded to reasonable amounts of stuff, and more focus on time/energy than objects.)

As for the nausea thing, I highly recommend preggie pops, and ginger (even straight crystalized ginger). Gin-gin chews were good, and the ginger pregie pops saved my life in the twin preg, when I could barely breathe at all without wanting to curl up on a cold surface and die. I'd suck one, and get 20 minutes of blessed freedom in which to eat. The lavendar flavor made me think 'soap', so that was out, but all the others were good. Ginger especially so, but sour raspberry, mint, all good.

You can get them at baby superstore type places, often near the checkout line. They do say 'preggiepop' on the wrapper, but they're not that obvious if you don't carry the box around. Any barley-sugar candy should work, though, as should most real ginger candies. Also, lemon chunks in water, or lemonade with chunks of lemon (likely to be available anywhere), inhale deeply before you sip - the lemon oil plus the lemon juice seems to help a lot.

And, strangely enough, breathe-right strips (for snoring) - sinuses swell in pregnancy, and better quality sleep = less nausea the following day. They take about three days to fully kick in (it takes that long for the swelling to reduce somewhat), but they're worth trying.

Good luck, again. :)

[pnuts mama]

oh rachel, i completely hear you- i absolutely have kept both of these pregnancies a wonderful secret (besides all of you knowing literally when i did, haha) from everyone in our family, friends, etc. for as long as *I* wanted to. period.

first, for me, i wanted to be safely out of the 1st tri, and with pnut, we wanted to have a few of the early tests out of the way as well. i am a seriously private person IRL and i just wasn't comfortable with folks i knew being that much in my business (about anything, really, but for some reason, especially this)- and if we had lost the baby, i imagine i would not have shared that with anyone, either. plus, my husband and i just love the feeling of knowing something that no one else knows between us.

second, perhaps a few peoples feeling were hurt once they found out (with pnut, we waited i think til almost 20 weeks? bean showed sooner so we had to share earlier, but still, well after 12) but i really didn't care- that's their issue, not mine. my own MIL, who is not a horror (well, lets just say she's the total opposite of yours, doesn't get involved unless nearly forced too, which is annoying in it's own right) has said a few times she waited til the 2nd tri w/ all 4 of her pgs, so there's that. folks will get over it b/c they'll be so excited about the baby.

third- we did plenty of the big winter family holidays/trips over the first tri's both times and were completely successful in keeping it a secret- i agree w/ folks who said that people aren't as observant as you think they are, unless they are really looking for it. you don't drink anyway, and i like the idea of mentioning that a stomach thing went around right before the trip and leave it at that. you could even say if you had to "oh, i am so sorry, but that is the exact things i ate right before i got the bug!" and leave it at that (i still can't eat a specific cookie my aunt makes from when i was a teenager since i gorged on them and caught a bug later that day- sad but true!). this could help if you wanted to take an afternoon nap, too. or just say "my favorite thing about vacation is catching up on all my sleep!!" or maybe you nap while they're out doing tastings. totally blame being wonky on the time zone change, is the altitude different as well?

or, depending on your level of 'crunchiness', you could say that you are avoiding factory-farmed meats/processed foods due to the latest michael pollan book, horror from that video that went around of the cows being forklifted, the meatrix, hormones/pesticides in meat, etc etc. you're considering going organic, you started researching CSA's in your area, eating better, buying local, living simply, whatever. maybe your inlaws will look at you funny, but who cares. plus, it's not such a bad thing when you're pg to make those changes, anyway (my 2cents, sorry)

i also have a small issue with the idea that this would be "lying" to anyone. we call this type of thing "need to know" basis- it's your decision who needs to be on that list, and when. period. since no one specifically asked us "are you pregnant?" we never had to answer with "no" which would have been a lie. it's really none of my concern if anyone had suspicions or not, and if they felt lied to, again, their problem, not mine. i've never felt lied to when anyone i know has told us they were expecting at any stage, just excited about their news.

good luck and hope you feel well and enjoy your trip!!

[Jennifer]

I want to be clear before I comment, I don't have kids, and I've never been pregnant. I don't really have advice per se, merely a question...

Why do people hide early pregnancy from loved ones?? If something tragic happens, god forbid, don't you want the support of others through such a difficult time? I can't imagine losing a child and not having anyone know, having to pretend nothing happened. That seems insane to me! Am I the only one that feels that way?

[Heather]

okay, i landed at the er at five weeks for dehydration, so that may color my view of what is possible to hide!

but i'm with those who think she will guess. how will she respond, and will it be worth it?

also, if you wait and then tell her, she will do the math and realize you were pregnant but not telling on vacation. how would she respond/is it worth it? (might be, not my call)

in addition to the other suggestions, soy nuts and soy butter are great if you are avoiding nuts.

[Charisse]

@Jennifer, not everybody's loved ones are supportive, or supportive in useful ways. You love them anyway, but they may be the last person you want to deal with in a crisis. Most crises you can't keep secret, but this one you often can.

@pnuts mama, so with you. It was so great to be pregnant for a while with only my husband and favorite yoga teacher knowing--it was precious time to understand what this meant to me, to us, before the whole other layer of expectations and craziness landed on us.

[Kate too]

I am with pnuts mama...it is not a lie to wait to tell people that you are pregnant.

[effective nancy]

Rachel, I know this may not apply to you, but as a Nice Jewish Girl I *totally* leveraged my culturally based superstitions against receiving gifts for the baby while it was in utero, and for the most part, those superstitions were respected by my wanted-to-become-a-nun MIL and the whole Catholic side of the family. Seriously, we received only a care package of mostly used (but extremely welcome) stuff from an ultra-helpful SIL and a few "you're not having a shower? how dare you!" gifts from my coworkers prior to the birth.

What I'm getting at is, is it possible for you to share the news in a low-key fashion but then simultaneously explain that because of fill-in-the-blank circumstances (PCOS, family tradition, etc.), you are really not at all ready to be feted for your fecund condition anytime soon? Because if MY MIL could restrain herself, I have got to believe YOURS might. And after personally having 3 miscarriages leading up to my DD, I feel ya about not wanting to go overboard with the early celebration.

[pnuts mama]

@jennifer- i think that it depends on your relationship with your family (and maybe even specific family members) and how you perceive their response could be- not everyone may be as excited as you when they find out (or vice versa- maybe they get all excited whereas you are feeling ambivalent/still getting used to the idea, etc.) and, there are plenty of people, family members included, who treat pregnancy as their free reign to inundate you with inappropriate advice/suggestions, etc. the same would apply to loss of a pregnancy- there are so many ways that people say the wrong thing (often unintentionally) to a grieving person who often feels raw and misunderstood and adjusting to their loss.

for me, i needed that time to get used to the idea myself, and i truly loved having it as something that my husband and i had as a secret between us. if we had lost either pg, i honestly don't know if we would have told anyone, or needed their support- i say this after observing how his side of the family 'dealt' with my SIL's two miscarriages. plus, both of our families run through gossip as a way of life- and i just don't like being the topic de jour, especially when it comes to my reproductive health and things that could potentially hurt me emotionally.

@heather- yeah, most folks did the math and were like "oh, so you were pg during ___?" wow! i had no idea! and then moved on to being excited about the baby.

so far, i've yet to run across anyone who didn't understand the desire to wait until 12-14 weeks to share our news. rachel, do what's right for you and your husband- and enjoy the trip!

[&BabyMakes75]

Sidenote to topic since some people may be reading this for nausea/general comfort during preg experiences/advice ... must give a "right on, sister!" to Hedra's experiences with those little breathe strip thingees. They were incredibly helpful to me during preg & are part of my preg care package to others! (The store brands work just as well as the original brand name one.)

[Stacy]

I think all the good advice has been given so let's hope your flight is better than one I had at 10 weeks pregnant when the people in the row behind me boarded with a large bucket of greasy fast-food fried chicken and I still get a pukey feeling just thinking about the SMELL.

[cheap plan B online]

Sooner or later, your family will know it... You better tell them as early as you can... So that they are aware of your situation.

[viagra online]

well I think that's a bit tricky and it would be better than each one has its own criteria!

[lots in Costa rica]

I love when I have the opportunity to read blogs as interesting as this. really thanks and congratulations.

[Zenegra]

Große Tipps für gesundes Leben, Danke für das Teilen ein großes Thema auf Fitness,