Q&A: 15-month-old hitting and dealing with your mother

Amy writes:

"I have a 15 month old son who is such a love.  It has been love at first sight since the beginning.  We spend almost all of our time together.  My boyfriend has a very unpredictable schedule so we have days when it is all three of us but for the most part it is always me & child together (which i love so much).  Recently he has started slapping me or hitting me in the face.  Mostly it is when he is tired, at the end of his little rope... like on the final walk home from a morning out or before bed as we lie in bed together nursing and then if he isn't going down he gets a little excited and slaps me or (this is great) when i am carrying him up 4 or 5 flights of stairs with grocery bags in each hand with him in an ergo carrier.  I do think it has something to do with unexpended body energy and tired state of mind for the most part but some days i really do have to go to the post office and the grocery store and he has to come with me.  Anyway, besides angering me to no end, it's really embarrassing to be slapped in the face by a toddler and then hear laughing as I say NO.   Or try to catch his hands before he does it again and have him laughing the whole time.  I have experimented with different no's:  Holding his hands down and firmly saying no.  He cries (because he hates to be restrained at all) and then hugs me. Which all feels bad.  Trying a surprise "NO!" in a louder, stronger tone which feels awful and is also really coming from an anger place and not something I believe in when setting boundaries for a baby.  He laughs.  I think its nervous laughter because I never use that tone or volume of voice with him but maybe he is just laughing at me.

To compound matters, I am out of the country for a bit and my mother came to visit.  It has taken a while for her to completely accept the way that i am raising the baby -- extended breastfeeding, breastfeeding on demand, no CIO, no crib, no stroller until recently (one reason is just logistical, easier to navigate new york city with a baby on you rather than pushing a stroller but I also love having him near and up high with me), etc. etc. ...Anyway, she is pretty much completely on board with me now as he has turned out to be such a happy, loving, independent, funny, wonderful person... there's not much to fight me about.  But when it comes to the hitting me, well it makes me feel like a pushover in front of her, that my parenting is somehow too laid back or child centered.  She suggests growling "No" loudly and basically scaring him into behaving. 

What I really don't like is reacting out of anger.  My mother really did get angry, angry at us when we were children.  She hit us (now she is horrified that she did such a thing), yelled & screamed at us when we pushed limits or broke rules and really we were very scared of her when she was angry.  It never stopped us from doing what we were going to do, I think, but it just made us better at not being caught.  I think she had a short fuse due to all of the turmoil that was happening in our lives.  I understand & forgive it all.   We're really close and can talk about all of these things for the most part but her first instincts in terms of parenting advice always seem a little insane to me. obviously, having a child brings up all of these things for me.  How do I want to do it?  How do I set boundaries with out using FEAR and anger.  The baby is 15 months old.  He's a baby.  Being angry at a baby is one of the worst feelings in the world.   I think I need a good plan to deal with this slapping so that I don't allow it to fester and then blow up at him (which has happened a couple of times, my worst parenting moments to date) and also to set me on the right track for being strong and loving, setting boundaries with love."

There are three issues in this email: the hitting stage some toddlers go through, setting firm limits without being punitive, and negotiating your relationship with your own mother. Let's do the first one and part of the second today, and then start a new topic about dealing with your parents tomorrow.

I don't have an answer for the hitting issue. When there's a clear reason a behavior is happening, you can address it, but I'm not sure the reasons young toddlers hit is always that clear-cut. If he were closer to 2 years old, he'd probably be hitting out of anger and frustration, so giving him another way to channel those feelings and at the same time helping him communicate better would probably curb the hitting quickly. But it's not usually so clear-cut with a young toddler (under 18 months). Sometimes they hit out of tiredness, sometimes out of frustration, but sometimes they just hit because they like the way it feels, or think it's funny.

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep him out of situations that provoke it (figure out if there's a better time of day to do errands and a worse time, and try to avoid the worse time). At the same time, think about your feelings. What is it that makes you feel so embarrassed about being hit by him? Is this something that makes you feel worse than the other stuff he does that you don't like? It seems like this hit (ha ha) a particular nerve. I'm wondering if maybe this was an issue your mom had particular problems with and was extra-punitive with you about. Or maybe this reverberates in you because you did get spanked as a kid. (That one sounds veeery familiar to me. Getting hit by my younger one shot right through to my psyche, and I think it's because I felt so enraged when I'd get spanked as a kid.)

At any rate, it's probably just a phase, so knowing that, it's not a do-or-die situation to curb the behavior, as it'll pass anyway. So you could use this time to figure out how you're going to deal with misbehavior that sparks strong feelings in you.

The other thing is to figure out what's going to work with him. I did do the roaring thing with my older son, and it stopped him in his tracks but after a quick hug he moved on (without doing the behavior I'd roared to stop). In other words, it worked the way it needed to, without making him feel bad (just startled!). My younger one, though, gets so upset if spoken harshly to, which makes it awful if he runs away someplace he's not supposed to, because there's no way to react except to scream "NO!"" BUt once we've talked about it, he does a great job with role-playing and pretending to be ä cat who stops at the curb" or whatever.

In other words, it's all a process. And part of getting to know your child and yourself. And you're going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to do things that you don't like (like making your kid cry when you scream "NO!" to stop him from running into the street). And your kid will piss you off, and your kid will piss you off. But you'll work your way through it together.

I'm really hoping Sharon Silver has some comments about all this (especially the hitting), because I've never been good with figuring out what to do when the kid really does think it's just fun.

Anyone else?

Comments

[Mandy]

With my daughter, what worked best was to calmly, sternly and firmly say "No Hitting. That Hurts Mommy."

Then I would hold her hand and demonstrate a pat or caress and say "Love Mommy Gently"

After being consistent about that, she pretty quickly learned that it was not acceptable to hit and seemed to understand what I meant by being gentle. once that was established, if I saw signs of her getting ready to hit I could say "Love Mommy Gently" or "be gentle" and that would get the desired behavior.

[Catherine]

I've got a slow-developing 11-month-old, so I have no practical advice -- this is a stage I'm awaits me in the not-too-distant future, though, and I'll be sure to keep the suggestions here tucked in the back of my mind -- but Iwanted to echo what the commenter Amy touched upon way up top. That is, that for me the feelings of embarrassment, shame, or defensiveness almost always emerge around behaviors or choices I myself question. In fact, sometimes I don't even know I'm questioning something until I have a powerfully negative reaction to someone criticizing or disagreeing with me in that area -- or even just the fear that someone will criticize or disagree with me. For instance, like that earlier Amy, it's hard for me to imagine anyone making an anti-breastfeeding comment, however snide or aggressive, that would throw me at all -- I might be momentarily irritated or flustered, but I'm just too confident in the rightness of that particular choice for me and my baby. But -- to take a very minor example -- I'm slightly dreading my daughter's first birthday party: I don't really want to feed her sugary cake, and I really would prefer that we not get a whole mess of enormous, expensive toys, and I'd really rather not have tons of people over. But to my in-laws, all these things are what "birthday" means, and, well, I don't want to be a self-righteous kill-joy. And it's precisely because I myself am not 100% sure how to draw the line between "confident of my values" and "self-righteous kill-joy" that I'm far more likely to be irritable and defensive about these things -- much more so than I would be if someone said, "Hey, are you still nursing that kid?" Anyway, I probably should have saved this for tomorrow's discussion on intergenerational tensions around parenting -- whoo-boy, has this been a powerful (and illuminating) issue for me and my husband -- and I should also emphasize that I don't want to assume the original question-Amy feels any insecurity or uncertainty about attachment parenting. It's just that I do so identify with the shame and embarrassment -- not, thank God, as a dominant aspect of parenting -- but just as something that emerges at often unexpected junctures. I'm learning to take it as a signal to examine and admit -- to myself or even to others -- those things I am unsure about.

[Lisa F.]

ugh, we are dealing w/hitting & some intense tantrums right now with a 2.75 y.o. these subjects are always right on time!

I have read Hedra's Safe, Respectful, Kind, approach, and would love some specific recommendations on implementing it w/previously mentioned sassy boy. "M, that's not Safe (Respectul; Kind.)" "YES, it IS." how do you integrate those concepts? we started w/the gentle touch modeling, and now it seems such a frustration power of evoking strong response thing. I'm already daunted by this approaching 3 year old stage.

I totally relate to the feeling embarrassed & feeling walked all over, and then guilty at yelling & feeling so angry at his little self. at a loss as to how to set boundaries that aren't rigid & punitive, without being a pushover. LOTS of childhood crap here.

looking forward to reading more comments, thanks again for the discussion.

[m]

I think the most important thing to remember is: This too shall pass!

When my son went through this, I, like everyone else here it seems, tried the "gentle, gentle" and it worked to a certain degree. Until he started to do the gentle patting (for which I would give positive reinforcement) and escalated it until he was hitting me. At times it got so bad and I was so frustrated that it would make me cry. Once I was in tears he would stop.

Obviously, I didn't like it to get that far, so what I did was do the "gentle, gentle" thing first, then if it happened again, grab his hands and say firmly "we don't hit" and then if it happened again, I would put him down and say "we don't hit" and leave the room. I don't think anything I said or did really made it stop, but it felt good for me to have a chain of events to rely on.

It was a sucky period and I'm glad it's over.

[Julie]

Lisa F....I am laughing because the whole "YES it IS" comment has come out in various forms from Alex's mouth and gosh it is so funny to watch him "learn" how to argue. Annoying at times, but hard to keep a straight face when I say something like "It's raining outside" and he says "No it's NOT!" or the other day I said "It's time for your bath" and he yelled "THAT'S A BAD WORD MOMMY! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD!!!" simply because he did not under any circumstances want to take a bath. The only thing I can say about the sassy comments is to give him the language he needs to tell me what he wants without the sass: "Bath isn't a bad word, but I'm guessing you probably don't want to take one, and you don't want to take one soooooo bad that it feels like a bad word to you right now". That is....after I leave the room and laugh for about 5 minutes first.

I'm having a hard time imagining him *more* verbal at 3 and being even **more** difficult. Holy crap. Thank God for preschool starting in September.

[Charisse]

@Lisa F., almost 3 is so hard! Not wanting to hijack this thread, but check out a couple of past Moxie posts on the subject (yes, one of them is me wondering what the hell happened to my sweet non-terrible 2):

http://www.askmoxie.org/askmoxie/2007/01/qa_29yearold_sn.html
http://www.askmoxie.org/askmoxie/2007/05/qa_almost_3_yea.html

Good luck with it! Sending you a hug.

[Mommie Mentor]

Sorry it took so long to post, my life got in the way!
The emotional info posted here is dead-on and I’d simply be repeating what has already been posted beautifully if I address the emotional aspect of this topic. So I’m narrowing my response to what a 15 month old is learning and a suggested technique that can really help.

You’re all correct by saying this is a phase, a very sensorial time, the beginning of seeing “what happens if I do this” as Hedra said. The “what happens if” is where I’m going to focus this post.

I agree that yelling NO won’t necessarily work in all homes and it doesn’t stop the hitting from coming back, as many have already stated. For some children just firmly saying NO does work. For others redirecting works beautifully by saying, “gentle hands for touching.” Even saying NO and holding their hands will work for some. As Moxie says, “you’re the best parent for your child” you instinctively know what will work with your child, trust yourself!

The issue here is what about those who have children where those methods don’t work, what can they do? Let me break it apart and see if this helps those parents.

Why is a 15 month-old hitting? So many of you got this part right. 15 months is powerful, happy, fun and frustrating! What’s important to know about this age/stage is there’s a question imbedded in the action of hitting that a parent needs to answer. The hitting is asking you to answer, “What happens in my family when I hit someone?”

A 15 month old is in the repetitive developmental stage of life-the preschool years. He requires several passes at a situation in order to understand all the complicated adult social rules. A good example of this is preschool songs. They use the same words round, after round, after round!! Young children need to repeat the behavior again and again in order to learn.

When a child hits he’s not hitting to directly disobey you; he’s too young for manipulation. He hits once and learns mom doesn’t like it. He hits again and sees mom gets mad. He hits again and see she yells, and so on and so on. Each pass shares more information about hitting and what happens in my family.

Many of you stated your child got scared or cried when you responded to being hit. Anytime a firm boundary is set a child will react. They will be sad, mad, or frustrated. Some sort of reaction will be there, count on it, because it will be happening for years. You, your face, your body language all change after being hit. You go from being the loving sweet nurturing mom to the clear boundary mom and it’s a shock, so they cry.

So many of us remember the shock of being corrected, (I was hit and my mouth washed out with soap) and we have wounds from it, which we get to revisit as we parent our child—isn’t that special! I believe that’s tomorrows post!

Is there a way for us to send a boundary and make our child feel safe at the same time, yes there is!

We all know children feel safer when making a transition if we use the same language and repeat the same actions each time a transition occurs. The method I will suggest uses the same analogy. Ex: “We’re leaving in 5 minutes, we’re leaving in 4 minutes etc.” When you use the same words and actions each time you correct a baby or young child they come to trust the words and actions, they relax a bit, and feel safe enough to comprehend the correction.

The best way to be successful teaching “we don’t hit” is to 1st remember where the child is at this stage. Since he isn’t fully verbal yet, he’s still gleaning most of his information from the actions and body language around him. I’ve found that the best way to teach a not fully verbal child not to hit really needs to include both words and actions.

The complete teaching for the method I’m about to suggest is on my website in the seminar called No, we don’t do that.

The components of this method are:
1. Stopping the hitting immediately.
2. Setting a boundary.
3. Showing the child how you DO want him to touch you.
4. Allow the child to try this again.
All of this takes 10-30 seconds, it really is that fast, and works best if done exactly the same way each time so the child really understands “oh, this IS what happens when I hit.”

1. You stop the hitting immediately by using words like a transition warning saying, “Uh, Oh.” For some reason those words work like magic. The Academy of Pediatrics and the Audiology Association all use them to get a child’s attention. Love and Logic made the words popular. These words create a sense of safety for a child. He comes to know that each time he hears “Uh, Oh,” a correction is coming and he needs to pay attention. If your habit is to say No first, then simply say Uh, Oh after that.

2. Setting a boundary. Do this by saying “you hit, you sit” and gently have him take a seat on the ground for 3 -10 seconds. Keep your gentle hands on him at all times. Having a fully mobile child take a seat is the part they don’t like, but it’s only 3-10 seconds. (The step-by-step instructions and how to make sure the child doesn’t haul off and HIT YOU as you do this is all included in the seminar.)

3. After 3-10 seconds, you decide how long YOUR child needs to sit; you know his temperament better than anyone, stand him up and kiss him on the forehead. This shows him that you love him and it’s almost over.

4. Now share with him how you want him to touch you. Tell him “we don’t hit. You need to use gentle hands with mommy.”

5. Now have him try again by showing you the way you want him to touch you. You can say, “show mommy how you touch her gently. Good job.”

6. Then say thank you, and you’re done. It took less than 1 minute.
The key to this method is to repeat the same words and action each time he hits until he stops. This works with any topic, just change the words to match what you’re dealing with.

By using this method you’re sending very valuable information to your child about how to manage his behavior. Your words and actions send the silent message “I need to correct you, it’s my job. But I can make loving and respectful corrections, and send you all the information you need to help you manage this situation.”

I hope this helps.

[rhondarhodesia]

Ugh, this is starting for DS I think. He's 11 months, and whenever someone says goodnight to him as I carry him upstairs, I get beaten. Nursing also = beating, especially while going to sleep (and this is still naptime and night-time for us). Hits and hits and hits, and harder and harder and harder, discovered how to make a fist, that I react when a hand hits my face; hits his own head and face as.hard.as.he.can, then laughs and claps his hands. I wonder if at this age he'll take to any of the suggestions above? Oh sigh. Anyone else tired of all this minor pains all day? Getting hit, kicked in the stomach, nose-crushing head-bonk, cup dropped from highchair onto my toes. . . And those are just the accidental ones, right?

[Mommie Mentor]

Sharon Silver here. It just dawned on me that Moxie mentioned in her post that she hoped Sharon Silver would post an answer to this question. I didn't mentioned my name in my post, which uses the sign in Mommie Mentor.

I hear what rhondarhodesia is saying. It is difficult for little ones to understand all of this. That's one of the main reasons I created the technique I posted. Children under 3 DO have a hard time incorporating information while trying to change their behavior.

Repetition is the key. The fact that you're repeating the same words and actions each time you make a correction is what allows such a young child to begin to really hear and understand what you want them to do.

[liz]

I think roaring is appropriate, as is restraining. As is withdrawal (no reaction whatsoever). The hitting may get boring to him if you absolutely do not react at all. This only works if you can really really not react.

On the having to do errands front, can you do more errands per week, but each one be a shorter one? If you are trying to cram in as many errands as you can to keep the outings to a minimum he may be getting over-tired and over-stimulated. Whereas if you go to do one errand on each outing (and maybe do two outings a day, one in the morning and one after lunch and nap), you'll be getting back home while he still has resources.

[toomuchstrong]

What is it about 20 month olds anyway? Mine is now hitting me and her grandmother in the face, but rarely does she hit her father. She also throws things when I sometimes tell her she can't do something (she is obviously angry at being "controlled"). I am not exactly sure how you can reason with a 20 month old though because even if after I explain why it's not nice to throw things or after I nicely show her to be gentle instead of rough, she pretty much goes back to doing the same thing a few days later. My sister and brother-in-law seem to have figured out a way to "discipline" their child without ever using corporal punishment and I swear that kid is completely well-behaved. When I'm around them I always feel inadequate since our girl is definitely more "out of control" than this boy ever was. We teach her how to be, pay attention to her, show her tons of love, but don't let her get away with bad behavior and yet...Since this is also our first, I really am not sure how agression, whining and other annoying to unacceptable behavior should be curbed. We sort of tend to test out different things, but in the end, when our little one doesn't feel like listening, there is nothing that will work.
I can really relate to the feeling of shame Amy feels when her son hits her. I was also often slapped in the face by my mother so maybe my feelings of anger about her are resurfacing. It also makes me feel like somehow I am failing as a mother. I am sinking a bit I think...

[sammy]

Wow Mommy Mentor! It's great to now have such a concrete methodology to correct a young toddler! thanks

[MO]

Hi.. posting very late and have the luxury of MommyMentor's amazingly wonderful and perfectly detailed post.

I can't add much to that in terms of any suggestions but I can sympathize with Amy about the hitting and about the feelings that come with it. I hate when one of my boys hits me (and it happens so frequently) and someone sees it. I have this horrible sense of shame that 1) I'm being walked all over by a young toddler/preschooler, 2) that I obviously have no idea how to parent and set boundaries, and 3) I'm possibly raising some out of control boy that will turn into a man one day. Deep down I know that I set boundaries but when one of the boys hits me, it feels like I've lost complete control - especially because as so many posters mentioned there is the added bonus of laughter and complete disregard for saying no to it. I've tried the no and it doesn't work so well. We've since moved on to if one of the boys hits me, I walk away and my husband finished any task that I was in the process of doing with my son.

There definitely seems to be an element (my boys are now 3) of overwhelmingness for the boys right before they hit me. They are either totally excited (in a happy way) and don't have the wherewithall (one word?) to know what to do with all that emotion, they are really angry with me, or they are just playing around and think they are being funny.

It has gotten better somewhat but it always seems that one of my boys will hit me (or head butt - gosh that hurts when they slam their head back into your chest/chin when you are holding them on your lap) when my mom is visiting and for some reason that is the worst time for me. Those feelings of being a bad parent seem to really surface then.

I am going to definitely reread MommyMentors post over and over and over again and try to get it set in my head and then try it out on some other discipline items. It sounds like a great approach. Sorry for the rambling reply.

[Laura]

I didn't read all the comments, so I don't know if this has been said, but it seems like your son may be hitting to get your attention. Attention for little kids is the BIGGEST reward, and it seemed from what you said that your son chooses times when your mind and attention is elsewhere to hit, to say, "HEY, pay attention to ME!" There are times when we have to focus on other things than our children, but they don't get that, and will get your attention any way they can. And hitting is getting your attention firmly back on him, so it is working...for him. So now you have to make it not work for him.

Ignoring may work, if you be sure to heap on the attention and praise when he is not hitting, or just a firm "No, hurts mommy" and redirection. Just try to think about making sure that you do not reward the behavior (and negative attention is a reward for a child, if the alternative is no attention, so something to think about.)

[akobu]

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[Thy]

So many wise and smart comments. I just wanted to add that at this age (anything under 2 1/2 really) I think the most important way of dealing with violent behavior is prevention. Stop little hands and feet before they reach their target or carry the baby in a way that he can't hit you. They don't have the impulse control or empathy to understand. It is up to us to keep them and their surrounding safe in the mean time. I find it too frustrating to try to give the baby the responsibility before they can deal with it. The same reasoning goes for gating off the stairs before they can safely navigate them and keeping sharp knives out of reach until they are ready use them.

[hedra]

I'm on with MommyMentor's theme, and love that she pointed out that you have to asses your own child's response - adjust as needed.

I wanted to add one more thought/method (mainly for older kids than that, but a lot of 20 month and ups are in the comments), which was for R, who hit and bit when overwhelmed by her internal process (emotions, in particular). We worked on the process of calming herself and getting in control of her body for months (felt longer, but was probably about 8 weeks). Then one day when I expected her to hit and try to bite (situation I'd walked into, on pickup from school, so too late to prevent!), she *didn't*. And the moment I realized that (10 minutes later) I stopped (even though she was in the midst of rolling around being contrary and screaming) and thanked her for her self-control, praised her for working so hard on that, and made it clear that I'd seen how much she really wanted to hit, and had seen that she had controlled it.

She stopped screaming instantly. She became sunny, positive, and helpful. Like flipping a SWITCH. Granted, she was almost 3 years old, but still. I think she was so used to feeling out of control that she wasn't even sure she COULD control her impulses! Praising the skill is HUGE. It points out that the impulsivity isn't just 'the way we are forever' but is a process that we're learning skills to grow out of over time. The discipline to behave isn't only an external imposition, but an internal skill set that they learn and develop (and we seldom mention as a success!).

It takes a long long time. One of the things with a Montessori classroom that I paritcularly like is the fact that the child spends three years in one class. One year to discover the skills, one year to develop in the skills, and one year to full mastery (including teaching the skills to others). When I think in terms of 'it's gonna take at least a year to get this process embedded in their behavior, and maybe three', I'm more patient, less prone to feeling out of control, and more willing to repeat the lessons gently (over and over and over).

And as for the practical ways of doing Safe, Respectful, Kind at this age... right now, they're JUST classifications. They're not instructions. Kids like to be able to classify the world, and having a simple and accurate structure in which to classify the behavior (that isn't 'good/bad' or 'naughty/nice') helps them organize their perceptions of actions (yours as well as theirs).

And yes, we've had them switch to the sassy 'Yes, it IS safe!' response. That, for me, is my cue to stop telling and start asking, because they now register enough of it to try to pull the switcheroo on you. It's important to get them to pause in their process before asking, though (otherwise they stay on the 'I'm doing this, I'll say whatever I like to keep doing it' track). I'll stop, look surprised, change body positions (get down to their level being preference, but given how much adults tend to NOT change altitude, any change of altitude is a start, provided we're not looming over them. Even stand up, then sit down again!), and then use some auditory cue (the 'uh, oh' thing is a really good one) to get their full attention. Then I ask the question in a pondering way (not an accusatory way, which is another reason to stop before asking - done it the other way, not so useful!). "Is what you are doing safe(respectful, kind)?" - you can add on, 'what do you think?' or 'I wonder' or other variations, so they're not just snapping back 'yes' or 'no'. Cue the thinking process, ask them to look at what is going on, or walk through the steps again. (And please also ask them to assess this when they ARE being safe, respectful, and kind! Otherwise the question just ends up being a cue to say 'oh, wait, I did something wrong' instead of prompting them to start thinking through the process themselves, observing their own actions.)

Because Safe/Respectful/Kind is a conceptual/principles process, it takes some abstract thinking to be able to grasp it. However, the second you're getting clearly sassy (and not just confused) responses, they have a basic grasp of whether the thing they just did is sorted into that category, and you can then start helping them figure out how to sort their OWN behaviors, without so much of your help (it will take years, but it also is a foundation for many other thinking skills later).

[ailikate]

I can totally relate to this situation, my daughter will be 18 mo next week and we are definitely still working through it.

For us a stern "No that hurts" did nothing and setting down/ignoring only served to escalate the problem, since usually she was/is hitting because she doesn't feel like she has my full attention and wants it. We tried the "gentle touch" method and ended up with her coming to me and hitting twice and then switching to the gentle touch. Which would have been funny, if it wasn't hitting.

What has helped is using various methods for redirecting the behavior. So when I see her coming at me with that glint in her eye and her arm up I hold out my hands and say "give me five!" and we slap palms a few times, which turns it into something that is a fun game for both of us. This works best for those times when she would hit me and then laugh. Depending on where we are and what we're doing we'll sometimes use hitting a pillow or the coffee table or some other appropriate target. And, of course, lots of banging on pots and playground equipment.

When she's in more of a rage/frustration mode I mirror her. So I hold my hands in the air, scrunch my face out and go "aaiieee", but keep it light so she can tell I'm playing. This makes her laugh, and then she'll do it, too. I'll say "Oh, you're so mad, you're so frustrated!" And we shake fists back and forth a few times until we're just giggling. This only works, though if I do it before she hits. I had tried the fake crying thing and she would just laugh and hit me anyway. This way seems to acknowledge and diffuse what she's feeling a little better.

I think I gleaned these from Playful Parenting. The book focuses more on older kids, but with a little thinking you can extrapolate for younger. I realize this is similar to advice other posters have given, but I wanted to highlight that none of the more common methods helped us at all. (At least, more common based on more people posted about them here and were methods I found in multiple places). I think I'll be trying the uh-oh, sitting method for those times when I miss her cues and she does hit, though.

[Fiona]

Amy: I saw a counsellor about this exact issue and she taught me one concept I've really found helpful throughout everything I do now: "reactivity". Namely that when Mommy is feeling strongly "reactive" (feeling mortified, strong embarrassment, anger etc.) a child's radar switches on to maximum alert. You are his whole world and he is going to be very attuned to you emotionally. So naturally, he'll be sensing a strong reaction from you at the moment, and therefore hitting becomes quite an intense experiment and learning experience.

The key to it for me was learning to minimise my own reactions. As the counsellor said, you have to get to a point where you aren't just ACTING like you have no reaction: you have to genuinely be "above and beyond" getting flustered by the antics these little ones get up to! Annoyed enough to assertive: fine. Flustered, upset, embarrassed: not so helpful. Children soak it up! Even at 15 months, he's learning quite a lot about cause and effect, feelings of power, a sense of control and so on, when he hits you and feels your strong emotions. He's possibly feeling confusion and anxiety that he has this new-found power, and so on. All this from what probably first began just as a normal reaction to being over-tired or over-stimulated one day, or whatever!

I found that as I got better at really, truly being "above and beyond" my son getting me flustered, things like hitting decreased by about 90% very quickly (only to be replaced by something else, but that's parenting!) It was like he suddenly had no pay-off so that was that.

I worked so hard on my own "reactivity": it took me months to get myself mentally in a new position, where I could be very matter-of-fact and decisive in response to anything and everything my child was doing.

To get there, I had to keep telling myself over and over: "right. this is what kids do, this is all part of the normal repertoire of behaviour that kids can get up to. deal with it and go and do something else". I still do this every day. He still finds new ways to test me all the time, but I find now I can respond quite assertively. Also I gather practical ideas to back me up. There's is no point in being "non-reactive" if that means you let behaviour just go. I'm not intending to suggest that. Just that you can set boundaries so much more effectively if you do a bit of a self-audit first, and get your reactivity where you want it.

Lots and lots and lots of us go through this hitting stage. It is really hard: most of all, ABOVE ALL! do not lose CONFIDENCE in your wonderful parenting! I think if parents have their confidence eroded, something sad and very damaging happens. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep your confidence intact! If you have to stay away from a friend or two for a while, or a relative, then do it. The confidence of a parent is a crucial thing and must be protected!

[Cynthia]

I recently read this: http://www.natickpediatrics.com/healthykids/toddlerhitsme.html

He's learning about boundaries and is thrilled beyond belief to find one, hence the trying again and the laughing when you say no. It made total sense to me!