Group hug

Holy crap, but you guys are dealing with a ton of stress!

I put up that post yesterday feeling bad about wussing out on a real post, but too fried because of this thing with my friend (and my internet access being down at home for several hours). I had no idea so many of you were going through so much.

I guess this is a real lesson. I know lots of you were really shocked when I announced the divorce, because you thought I had it all together. And I was so nervous about announcing it, because I thought all of you had everything under control in your own lives and would be disappointed in me. And then I thought I was the only one trying to tread water yesterday, but some of you are dealing with so much more than the rest of us had any idea about.

I think it's astounding that we're all doing such a good job holding it together the way we are. It's a testament to how strong we are, even when we don't realize it about ourselves. And I'm glad to be able to make a place where you guys can unload some of it.

Comments

[moo]

You just never know what other people are going through.

Women, especially, have to "be strong" and "hold it together" and put up this facade that everything is lovely, even if they feel like their whole world is crashing down.

[jessica]

Moxie, it really does get better with time. The single mom thing isn't the end of the world, it really isn't. You'll find a way to make things work, to keep everyone happy (including yourself!)

I am glad you have a lot of support from friends IRL, that's very important and you'll need it. If you need more support with the single mom thing I am here for you, just let me know.

And I am so proud of you.

[hedra]

One of my HS teachers spent a good chunk of a semester hammering into our heads that lesson - that we NEVER know what anyone else is going through. Huge important lesson. He was the driving instructor, BTW. His intention was to reduce road rage in the students. His result was I get less upset about other people's behavioroff the road as well as on - there's likely a reason for it somewhere, and you never know if the sports car speeding down the road is just an idiot with a fast car, or someone whose mother is dying and they desperately want to get there in time to say goodbye (though the example he gave was 'there's a child near death in the back seat - you can't see them because they're lying down, and the car is on the way to the hospital'). Good behavior or bad, you never know what's going on with someone else - sometimes not even if you ask.

I'll admit I was still surprised (and humbled) by the degree of things people here are holding together. Holy wow. Y'all remind me that humans are immensely strong beings.

[Mandy]

It's never a bad time to get a reminder that everyone we meet is carrying something that weighs them down. The opportunity to set mine down for a second, look at it and talk with those who are doing the same is much appreciated.

Hedra, twice since January I've been that parent speeding my infant son to the hospital. Once because he wasn't breathing, once because he was bleeding and it wouldn't stop. (we had a circ go wrong) It does my heart some good to know that some people think like I do about "that speeding car." (and hopefully there won't be a next time, but I think if there is we'll go for the ambulance)

[Julie]

"Be kind....for everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle" can't remember who said it.

Yes, as women and mothers, we are very strong - because we have to be strong. We don't have the luxury of being able to fall apart very often, which is another reason why this site is so special and important to so many of us. Thanks Moxie.

[Julie]

Oh, and me and my DH put a funny spin on the guy who is driving too fast and dangerous - we tell each other that he is late for his penile enhancement surgery. Then we get a good laugh and are no longer feeling angry about his driving.

But to Mandy....boy, that is scary. My heart goes out to you, and we'll probably not be making penile jokes the next time we see someone driving too fast. Thanks for opening my eyes. I'm glad everything is okay with your baby.

[hedra]

@Mandy, I've been that car, too. Even more fun, I've been the car that while sitting 10 cars back in the turn lane, jumped the lane-divider curb and pulled a U-ie then sped off. Yeah, the light wasn't changing fast enough for me to get to the front of the line to make my U-turn politely. But my 18-month old was in the back seat, slowly toppling over sideways in his car seat, and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore (though his eyes were open) (severe case of croup, NP said 'hospital X's ER is 10 minutes closer than the Children's Hospital'... yeah, if 10 minutes is going to make that much difference, I'm gonna speed. Carefully as possible, but speed. It turned out to be not as dire an emergency as she or I feared, and G was just being silly with the toppling over thing, experimenting with what it did to the funny noises he was making with each breath.)

And my mom has been the woman sitting in the back seat of the speeding car having her child die in her arms. Though I didn't learn that detail about my brother's death until I was much older.

I usually say to myself, 'I hope whatever you're racing to is worth the risk you're taking.' - covers the 'penile ehancement surgery' side of things, as well as the heartbreaking/scary stuff.

[Joy]

Wishing everyone Health; Serenity; Peace; Quiet; loving and supportive people around you; hugs; chocolate; flowers; thoughtful and happy Mother's Days; things that rhyme with snow blobs, hecks, and cunning linguists; laughs; productivity; and the strength and will to muddle through.

And thankful for this place.

@Bobbi, I was thinking about your friend. I lost my grandmother to breast cancer when I was 2. I don't really remember her, but I feel a strong connection to her, and miss her anyway. I love hearing stories from those who knew her, and have come to realize that I am (and aspire to be) a lot like her. I'm glad to hear she's got a little more time, and want to encourage you, down the road, to share your memories of her with her children as much as you can.

[Kathy B.]

I've been keeping it together for 20 or so years; someday I'll let go and have that nervous break-down that I'm entitled to, but for now, I have no time; I must push forward.

[Jan]

@Julie: It's Ian MacLaren. It's one of my very favorite quotes.

The other thing I really like, though it's not so much a specific quote as a philosophy is that I try to remember that every one of us is only doing the best we can with the tools we have available to us at the time. It's a great way to get to forgiveness for wrongs that have been done to us, and to cut ourselves a little slack.

That, and as I tell my mom, I am a work in progress.

[Jan]

@Julie: It's actually "Be kind. Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy burden." -- one of my very favorite quotes. And it's Ian MacLaren.

The other thing I really like, though it's not so much a specific quote as a philosophy is that I try to remember that every one of us is only doing the best we can with the tools we have available to us at the time. It's a great way to get to forgiveness for wrongs that have been done to us, and to cut ourselves a little slack.

That, and as I tell my mom, I am a work in progress.

[Jojo]

LOL! You thought we were all holding it together. Oh. Can't. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

[rudyinparis]

I wish I could say I learned this from a Zen yogi at the top of a mountaintop in Kathmandu, but the truth is, I read it on the side of a Celestial Seasonings tea box--paraphrased-- "always remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something." This really helps me, especially when I'm filled with loathing for certain politicians. Also reminding myself that they were once some Momma's baby, too, you know?

As for maniacs driving, my buddy who has had more than her fair share of crap happen to her, says that when someone is a jerk on the road, she thinks, "hey, what do I know, maybe she's pregnant and just found out her husband is leaving her for another woman." She's been there. And then she can cut them some slack. So that's what I think, too. Who knows what crappy situation that person is dealing with. Like someone said yesterday, I think quoting their Mom, "Hey, if everyone threw their problems up in the air, I'd jump like hell to grab my own." I loved that!

I also was in awe of the strength that was expressed here yesterday, and certainly spent some time last night reflecting on what I have to be grateful for. My best to all of you.

[hedra]

Anyone else thinking of that therapy song? Something along the lines of 'then the wall came down and they stood before me with their stumbling and their mumbling and their callling out, just like me'

I often find myself in the odd position of trying to convice others that I DO NOT have it all together. My life is imperfect, I am a work in progress, and the bits I do have together at all are largely due to starting working on it almost 30 years ago - plus therapy and a lot of luck.

And Moxie, I'm still freakin' impressed by you. And it isn't because I think you have it all together - that's never part of my equation anyway, and you can't disappoint me by being human. It's because you're clear-eyed about yourself and others MORE of the time than most people. Not that you're never blind, never weak, never fumbling along dropping the ball, but that you seem to be remarkably good at *seeing* what you are doing, even when you aren't doing well (and having a bit of that myself, I know how painful it can be to watch yourself, knowing you're blowing it with every-other step, and being unable to figure out how to change it). You might not be any better at anything for the insight - or not right away - but being able to articulate the ebb and flow of life with any degree of clarity at all, especially once kids are in the picture, that's just impressive.

[Slim]

"I thought all of you had everything under control in your own lives and would be disappointed in me."

You thought we were perfect except for having no compassion? Humpf!

I'm kidding. While I don't wish misfortune on anyone, I think it's nice to have a reminder that if you let people know you're having a hard time, most people will commiserate.

"If you fall, I will catch you. I'll be waiting, time after time."

Today's comment comes with a free ear worm! You're welcome!

[pnuts mama]

amen, sister- no time today to read/respond but the goodness that comes from all of you everyday is awe-inspiring. thanks for giving us this community of support and friendship, moxie- hope you are doing well today.

who knew a primal scream could be so good for the soul?

[m]

Awww....so true!

Group hug, everyone. Then, let's make a big ole batch of margaritas.

[Chaosgirl]

We are all very very good at putting our best foot forward, particularly in the face of unbelievably crappy circumstances. Hats off to everyone -- we are resilient!

I was certainly humbled by the panoply of pain shared yesterday. The range and difficulty of everyone's burdens helped me put my own in perspective. I used to think that putting the happy face on was disingenuous until I learned, after many hard years of depression, that searching for the silver lining is the only way to keep going sometimes. And laughing.

That said, having the opportunity to release the pressure is healthy, and necessary, albeit in controlled doses. I second the idea of having a regular primal scream, but maybe once a month?

Moxie - I'm not disappointed in you. Quite the opposite -- I applaud you for being true to yourself. It takes a huge amount of strength to leave a marriage and become a single mom. You sound to me like a woman who has it under control in spades, bumbling through this crazy life the best she can, like the rest of us.

@Hedra - your mum. OMG - that image of your mum holding your brother. How did she keep going? I am in awe...and in tears.

[sheSaid]

From my recent therapy I have been thinking this

be gentle

I am trying to be gentle with myself and also with others. it's actually easier for me to be gentle with others than myself. but I think it is good practice.

[meanderwithme]

Wow, I might just have to go back and read comments from yesterday!

My thing -- I'm considering starting a Masters program (online, since I live too far from any major Unis to do it), but wondering if I'm nuts to think I can study and write while suffering infant-induced sleep deprivation. Heck, I don't even keep up my blog!

On the husband thing, thanks you guys so much for the support. Later that day, I actually lost it -- really lost it -- and decided I needed to leave. After I was calmer (a day later), we talked about what was going on, and are working on changes. My getting to do grad school sooner than later is part of that -- somehow it hadn't dawned on him that the role of "nanny/housekeeper/cook" wasn't fulfilling to me since we don't connect with each other.

How is your friend, Moxie?

[caramama]

I am also amazed by how much people are going through and how we are all trying (and usually succeeding) to hold it all together.

I really feel for you all going through so much. I'm adding my internet hugs to the group hug.

Moxie - When I told my husband about you announcing your divorce (because I talk about this site all the time to him), he said something about how I couldn't put you on a pedestool now. I said to him that it isn't that I have you on a pedestool, but I admire you precisely because you are human like the rest of us and you show your struggles and what you learned from them as well. And because you are so understanding and helpful with others. So never disappointment. Just sympathy and understanding, because we are all just humans.

Julie and Jan - I love that quote! I'm going to write that down. Thanks for sharing it.

[Dana]

Hedra- MY driver's ed teacher told us that very same thing!!! And I have always silently wished the crazy speeding car that weaves in and out of traffic well, because you never know what could be going on in their life.

The grass ain't always greener...

[Jan]

Can I share some schmaltz? The more I think about this community, the more I am reminded of this poem, which I love. Do you know it?

"Love"

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I Love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

© Roy Croft (1907 - 1973).

[Ed. note: Well, maybe not so much the "without a word" part.]

This is the kind of love I sense here. Am I wrong?

[hedra]

@Chaosgirl, how she kept going... it's something I've come to call 'the courage of the chickadees' - I got that from a story in Sage Woman magazine, it's the courage to sing, and to carry on living, even in the most bitterly cold winter. To carry on after losing a child... it's really an act of courage. And that's a lot of what that 'strength' we've been talking about here is - it isn't just 'women being sturdy' but true courage - it takes courage to shoulder the burden through another day, not just strength.

As for my mom, her marriage collapsed, and she ended up losing custody of her other child, to boot (though she later ended up being custodial parent again). She carried on, because she's stubborn, and she's always been fierce about living - she refuses to be flattened for long. My brother's picture is up on the wall with the rest of us. My mom will still weep when she talks of him, more than 50 years later. It's very much like every other crisis we weather - we carry on because we must, or because we refuse to roll over and give up, and sometimes just making it through the day is enough.

[hedra]

@Jan, yes, that's what I see here, too. (Though the poem is new to me.)

[Jan]

@hedra, that's so exactly what I think, too, about weathering crises: we carry on because we must. Because, really, what other option is there?

[Jill in Atlanta]

Yesterday in my post I referred to it as juggling apples. There WILL be applesauce. There is a limit to how much we can do, and we always try to do more, be more, have more. At some point the apples fall. And sometimes it works out for the best.

[Anna]

I almost posted yesterday, I wanted to post, but everyone's problems seemed so much bigger than mine. I talked myself into believing that I wasn't worthy of a primal scream.

Then I broke down crying when my friend mentioned that her almost-3-year-old takes a 3.5 hour nap EVERY AFTERNOON. I wanted that 3.5 hour nap and 8pm-8am night sleep so bad I could taste it.

It made me realize that even the small problems (if you can classify not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row for more than a year as "small") deserve a scream sometimes, even if I too would "jump like hell" to grab MY problems up again (@rudyinparis).

And while we're hugging--if I hadn't seen Moxie and all the other posters modeling weakness as well as strength, I know my daughter's first year would have been very different: more sadness, more desperation, more anger, less joy and appreciation for her unique self. So Moxie, I was not disappointed, but grateful. Thank you.

[Katie B.]

One of my favorite quotes on the matter comes from a favorite sf novel - _Memory_, by Lois McMaster Bujold. The context is a conversation between a character whose life has just shattered and an acquaintance whose life shattered a decade before, and who has remade her life.

"You go on. You just go on. There's nothing more to it, and there's no trick to make it easier. You just go on."
"What do you find on the other side? When you go on?"
"Your life again. What else?"
"Is that a promise?"
"It's an inevitability. No trick. No choice. You just go on."

This is one of the truest things I have ever encountered. Life does go on, whether you want it to or not, no matter how much you might protest. It goes on at the same speed it ever did, no matter how much you might want it to go faster or slower. This knowledge has been a comfort to me in some pretty dark places, when I remember it.

[Cloud]

@Anna - prolonged sleep deprivation totally deserves a primal scream. I found out that I need to get at least 4 hours in a row now and then or I stop functioning and turn into a shrew I don't really recognize. Take your scream, then figure out a plan to get yourself more sleep. There are several earlier Moxie posts with ideas in the posts and comments. Some of the best:

1. Get someone to take the night shift for an entire night and go to a hotel (if you can) or your guest room with earplugs.
2. Work out a split schedule with your partner. In my house, Hubby is on until 2, and I'm on after that.
3. Go to bed at a stupidly early hour- like as soon as your baby does.

You deserve more sleep!

[Charisse]

Finally got a chance to read through all yesterday's comments (6 hours of intense work brainstorming meetings yesterday, plus a busy evening answering urgent 4-yo questions & cooking healthy food instead of getting a pizza). Wow. Hugs to everyone.

[Sherry]

I want to post -- to be a part of this awesome group. Thank you all, for being and sharing. Biggest stresses -- difficult marriage and some depression/anxiety. But it will all be okay. I might ask for that massage on Mother's Day, as someone suggested. I forget I can celebrate me, too.

[anonforthis]

I'm not sure how I missed this one yesterday... (oh right, was home all day with a cranky 1yo while trying to do end of semester grading...).

Can I add my stress even though it's one day late? (And this is so minor compared to what others have going on...)

We are not having sex. Ever. Baby co-sleeps. We are exhausted. We are cranky. We are stressed. I know from experience that it gets better... but I want my love life back. Now.

[Maria Wood]

I'm sitting in a public library in tears reading these posts. Hedra, the image of your mother in the car is just tearing at my chest. It is so strange what comfort and strength I can glean from all you 'imaginary' people, reading these posts every day and getting to know the slivers of yourselves that you expose here. None of my stressors have disappeared or lessened since yesterday, yet I am feeling happier, more serene, more together, and you all are partially responsible for it. So Thank You.

And Moxie, I am so sorry about your divorce, but it helps so much to know I'm not the only one who doesn't have it all together. I have talked about this blog with my therapist because it is so helpful to me (and that was even before the past couple of weeks and all the powerful stuff that's been written here). So Thank You Especially!

[Kristin]

@Hedra - Your mom and your brother: I cannot even imagine. If that doesn't stop me cold and give me perspective, I don't know what will. Like Chaosgirl said, I'm in awe and in tears.

@KatieB -- I adore Bujold. I quote her all the darn time. My DH, although he's 5'7" and dyslexic, could BE Miles. "You just go on" is one of thge moments I always remember, along with "Adulthood isn't a reward they give you for being a good child."

@Hedra again, I think -- Dar Williams, "What Do You Hear in These Sounds?" -- the last verse:

So I wake up
and I ask myself what state I'm in,
and I say, well, I am lucky
because I am like East Berlin.
And I had this wall,
and all I knew of the free world
was that I could see their fireworks
and I could hear their radios --

And I thought that if we met,
I would only start confessing,
and they'd see that I was scared -
they would know that I was guessing.
But the wall came down
and there they stood before me,
and they're stumbling and they're mumbling,
and they're calling out, just like me...

And anybody -- is there a variant of the "Be kind, for everyone you meet..." with the "fighting a battle?" That's the line I keep expecting to hear. I find myself telling things like that to my students: remember that you don't know the whole story.

Thank you, Moxie and everybody.

[hedra]

RE: my mom, I come back to the old Chinese story, where someone asked Lao Tzu (I think) to write a lucky saying to post over their door. He wrote 'grandfather dies, father dies, son dies' - when the person saw what he'd written, he was horrified. How could he put that up as a 'lucky' saying? Lao Tzu replied, 'Any other order would be a tragedy'. I definitely want us to die 'in the right order'. But I also know that it is possible to carry on, and even to love the same life that deals such blows. It's all one foot after the other. Just like everything else.

Sorry, hadn't meant to send things down that avenue.

[SarcastiCarrie]

One of my greatest hopes in life is that my child(ren) outlive me. Thank you, hedra.

And to anonforthis - no rhymes-with-hecks going on here either, so I feel the pain, frustration, exhaustion, lack of intimacy, lack of connection, and rut right along with you. We've been through it before and we'll go through it again, and you do come out the other side with smorgasms for everyone.

[Julieta]

Oh gosh, I agree totally; hugs and margaritas all around!

Like some pps, I don't feel like my issues are as hard as others'. My problem is that I MAKE them that way. I spend so much time obsessing about the tragedies around me (never at a shortage) and the imagined tragedies that could befall me and my family. Mainly, I worry that my son's fourth cold in 2 months is something far worse, attacking his little heart while we unknowingly treat his runny nose. Or that my body is harboring some horrible fatal disease that will take my childrens' mother from them (I'm so sorry about your friend, Bobbi). That has been one of my greatest nightmares since having children. All of those tragedies are so unfair.

And that is what plagues me day in and day out. Fear fear fear. And being on the verge of tears at work, but unable to stop checking the internet stories and medical websites. And hesitating about even posting this because really, my life is ok and I am so lucky to have what I have. But I'm so afraid that it will be taken away.

Man. I need to exercise more.

[anonthistime]

i'm a little late, but here's my stress. my year old son takes AN HOUR each night to go to sleep. i'm not allowed to leave him during this period. he rolls, fusses, giggles, cries, bangs his head, REFUSES to accept sleep until it overtakes him. and it drives me so crazy i fantasize about smashing his head open and breaking his arms. i have to bite the pillow to stop myself from handling him roughly. i'm so scared of my temper, and i'm so scared to get help in case they take him away from me. but what if i lose it one day? this is what keeps me awake at night. am i alone?

[Shelley]

Julieta, I've been known to do this. When you find yourself obsessing in that manner, or going to those websites you know you should avoid, consciously stop, tell yourself that you are thinking in an unhealthy way, and then *focus your attention on something else, something concrete* -- it can be how soft your blue jeans are, how your coffee tastes, the temperature of the room, whatever. The first time you do it, you'll stop the obsessive thought for 1 second from coming back. The umpteenth time you do it, you'll hold it off for 10 minutes, and so on. This truly works, if you give it some time.

[Shelley]

Julieta, one last thing I wanted to add -- you won't ever lose the tendency to obsess, but you can absolutely learn to control it. This used to really impact my life, but now it's just something I deal with from time to time. Knowing that I can actually do something about it makes it less likely to happen, too. That trick above is something my therapist taught me, and boy howdy it works.

[Cloud]

@anonthistime: do you have anyone who can give you a break in the bedtime routine? Pumpkin takes anywhere from 10-60+ minutes to get down. What keeps me sane on the 60+ nights is the fact that I know that tomorrow night, it will be Hubby's turn. Even with that, I have on occasion left the room and gone and hit my head against the wall.

One particularly bad night, I just gave up and put her down to crawl around in her (still dark) room while I lay on the floor and felt sorry for myself. One is a hard age for sleep, apparently. Pumpkin is *trying* to go to sleep when I put her in her crib, but she just can't figure out how to do it.

Hang in there. It will get better. At least that's what I tell myself.

[anonthistime]

@cloud: DP sometimes takes over, so it's not all me. but DS will generally take less time to go to sleep if it's me doing it, with a lot less screams.

it's the mental images that worry me - did you get that too? or am i sick??

[Sarah]

@hedra: Your poor mother! That's my worst, worst nightmare. Please please please (when you've weathered your employment crisis!) will you start a blog?? I think we could all do with a regular dose of your wisdom and experience. Not that we don't get it here, of course! ;-)

By the way, on your advice I dropped a lot of the fruit and veg from my son's diet (i.e., apples, sweet potatoes and squash) and he's like a different child! He's started sleeping through the night! Thank you thank you thank you!

And Moxie, thank you for this wonderful forum.

[Sarah]

@hedra: ok *slaps forehead* so you've started a blog! D'oh! (but excellent!!)

[Melba]

@Jan - that poem was printed on the leaflets for my wedding. I love love love love love it. It really explains what *real* love is... seeing the flaws but not dwelling on them, and bringing out the best parts of us instead. I love it.

@anonthistime - I'm no expert but it sounds like the mental images you are having are a sign of possible PPD, so maybe it's worth checking out? 1 year isn't too late for PPD to manifest. And it could have been there all along if you really sit down and think about how long you've had these feelings. Anyway it can't hurt to talk to your physician about it. Or a therapist. Or anyone, really. JUst know though that you are definitely not the first mother to have these feelings, they are more common than most people think, and that getting help / talking to someone about it can do a world of good. You're not a bad mom, just having a rough time with a frustrating situation.

We're all just human beings after all and all these things... grief, strife, stress, love, hate, problems... they are all part of the human condition and we wouldn't be human without them.

[Emily]

@anonthistime: I hear you. It takes my son an hour, easy, even after bath, pajamas, and books. I almost always get my husband to do it because I just sit there in the dark seething with resentment. We are actively working on it, but man, it's hard. I don't have answers for you on solving the long bedtime, just sympathy. But it sounds like you could really use a sympathetic professional ear.

There's an old post on here from a nanny who was worried about her temper - you might find it reassuring.

[Emily]

@anonthistime - I found the post:

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/10/qa_wanting_to_s.html

[Charisse]

@anonthistime, I don't think you're sick--you're in control. I've had major anger images during similar issues. I have a 4-yo who doesn't need a ton of sleep and who, if she gets ANY daytime sleep or not enough exercise, turns into an hour-and-a-half of whining neediness at bedtime. She can go to sleep on her own or with 5 min of my presence if all's well, but with those other factors it's forever, and there goes my evening and sometimes my dinner and etc. Thankfully, her preschool has recently agreed to go along with us in preventing naps at all cost, so that is improving. But long about night 3 of this, I've wanted to just pound her into the bed so she'd stay.

So, I don't think you're nuts that the selftime deprivation of a kid who won't go down is giving you some rough images. But your brain is telling you need a break from it too!! He may just be in a tough phase, teething, mobility & etc. being what they are at that age, but a couple suggestions that might help:

-make sure he gets tons of opportunity to move around
-make sure his last nap isn't too late in the day
-if he's a short napper in addition, and generally seems to have enough sleep, it might be time to go down to 1 nap

...and it will probably get better, because as Cloud says, 1 is just a tough time. Hang in there!

[Julieta]

Thanks so much Shelley! I just intently studied the baby carrot I was eating and noticed the different hues of orange in it. I was actually surprised that I could focus on it; really look. I wasn't obsessing at the moment, just doing a test run. But I like the strategy and will definitely give it a whirl.