Getting along with your parents as an adult, part 2: More on the parent's responsibility

Hold on--today's post is super-super-long. Grab a cup of coffee before you start reading.

Yesterday we heard from Num-Num on the parent's responsibility to an adult child. Today's guest is my mom, who, like me, is a little on the long-winded side. I asked her to write the post because she and I have a great relationship and my adult brother and his girlfriend like and trust her, too. She's a Christian, and that comes out in the piece she wrote for me, so beware if that'll offend you and skip over those parts. She writes:

How To Mother Your Child So You Can be Adult Friends
Four Easy Rules, Plus a Lot of Ruminations
by Moxie's Mom

1. Love your kid to bits. Unconditionally. 

2. Don't expect her to be an extension of you. Keep boundaries to let her be her own person. Respect her as a person. And take delight in finding out who she is, and how she is.

3. Don't be afraid of your kid's exceeding you. Take pride and pleasure in your kids' being better than you! 

4. Be selfish enough to want them to embrace your values and your faith. Work to achieve this, then toss it out there. Let them soar! And pray that they are better than you.

For the first, let me say that I did not set out to be my daughter's friend. I loved her to bits and was the best mother I knew how to be. In retrospect, the "method" went something like this:

Love Respect Share Care Treasure Thank Encourage Nurture Listen

Love 'em to bits.

Remember where parental authority comes from. We are stand-ins for God.
"The steadfast love of the LORD endures forever."

Steadfast Endure Do not expect an end.

Care for/love yourself in order to better do the same for your kids. For the "terrible twos" you need to get enough sleep and not over schedule yourself.

Never forget what it's like to be a kid.

Make/take time to do your favorite things. Allow your kids to know what tickles your fancy. Cultivate humor--family jokes.

Laugh with, not at. Laugh often. Laugh with abandon and delight.

Say "I love you." Say it again.

Be glad to see one another.

Light up when your child comes into the room.*

Show as much courtesy to your children as you would to your visiting clergyman! Yes, please. No, thank you. Here, I'll get that door. Do you need a hand? Oh, thank you; I needed that!

Be reasonably frank about who you are. Not Superwoman. But retain dignity.

Putting yourself down in front of your kids is dangerous. NEVER do it!

Allow yourself and others to make mistakes without losing face. Turn mistakes and wrong choices into learning experiences.

Analyze Discuss Evaluate Plan

Make extravagant plans. Make small plans. Plan surprises. Plan parties. Plan gifts. Plan projects for the good of the community. Build dreams. Acknowledge them for what they are: dreams. And then brainstorm what it would take to change them into realistic goals.

Indulge in "what-ifs."

Be creative. Ask open-ended questions. Experiment. Play word games. Challenge one another. Rent movies and share the Kleenex box! Cook for one another. Cook together.

Show consideration. Expect it in return.

Raising children to be selfish does no one any favors.

Let your children participate in your "good works." How many bouquets and loaves of fresh bread I delivered to neighbors and single schoolteachers throughout my childhood! How many Sundays I was sent to answer the door and entertain dinner guests until my mom was ready to call people to the dinner table (which I had helped to set)!

Give fair rewards. Praise when deserved. I still have a doll quilt Mom gave me as thanks for helping cut out forty-leven quilt blocks, which she sewed into doll quilts for the church bazaar. I was about seven, and took satisfaction from being entrusted with an important task, as well as knowing the pleasure of teamwork with my mom. I heard the bazaar lady exclaim over how pretty the quilts were, and I knew we'd done it together. But Mom decided to give me one for helping**. I remember being a little bit mystified. You see, I had already internalized her way of taking satisfaction from the doing, the giving, the anticipation of others' pleasure, the creative process, the Lord's work.

I think it's important to your relationship to keep on being yourself, even after your self becomes also "Mama." There is something unhealthy about "giving up" your life or "sacrificing" for your children. I don't mean you shouldn't make the child the center of your life at the appropriate time. But you rob the child, as well as yourself, of all those interesting talents, hobbies, foibles and quirks in your personality if you abandon your sense of self--humor, whimsy and all that attracted your spouse. Indulge your kooky side, don't pass yourself off as infallible--what a shock to the poor kid the day she discovers that lie!

Have a personality and allow your child to have one, too. Encourage and appreciate, applaud and chastise. But beware the urge to "mold." Especially when she's grown up and it's too late!

Share your faith. Practice it with your child.

Love Example Let go Pray Stand by

Never stop loving.

Have I said anything about respecting privacy? This is a touchy area, because there are some times and some topics where intervention is necessary--a breach of privacy, I suppose. Yet, even before the child has become adult, for a mom to honor her need to keep some things to herself--just may result in a smoother relationship because both sides "hold their tongues."

When it comes right down to it, to be a good friend you need to feed and nurture, love and respect. And if you want your child to grow up to be a friend, you need to start early with love and respect. Give as much freedom as is age-appropriate. it is far more rewarding to have your child come back freely than to come only out of guilt.

Guilt is one kind of obligation, a destructive one practiced by those working out of grasping and mean-spirited impulses. A better sense of obligation is the one built on love and gratitude, and a sense of duty to those with whom one allies. So a loved, respected child, by example, is likely to lavish love and respect back, and seek the company of that wellspring. Yet a child made to feel guilty and that he owes his parents can only struggle to pay what is due despite the crummy way he feels. He makes contact reluctantly. And that, too, makes him feel guilty. Controlling by guilt is a good way to drive your adult children away.

Be merciful. Apologize when appropriate. Forgive freely, yet uphold standards. Don't change the rules to make bad behavior "right." Your first job is to be a good parent, which means you teach the rules of living. You mustn't de-classify a sin for the sake of avoiding controversy, for being a friend. It doesn't work. In the end, it feels better to be called to account and forgiven. That is freeing.

AND LAST OF ALL,
Once your kids are adults, hold your tongue until asked.

Thank you for making me examine the subject. I feel very blessed to have such forgiving kids. I wasn't always as exemplary as I would like to recall. I was a yeller. And I'm sorry.

I have been very blessed.

Love,

Mom

One of the things I've always liked about my mom is that she's very deliberate and specific about showing the process. It's all a learning experience. I know that's what's let me be so forgiving of my own parenting mistakes and helped me see it all as a process of continuous improvement. No failures, only data points.

Tomorrow we're going to talk about being on the adult child side of things. I'm not an expert on this, only having one mom to deal with, but I can tell you some of the things I've observed.

Did my mom's post strike anything with you?

* My mom is good at being delighted over the phone, too. Every time I call she sounds like I'm calling to tell her she won the lottery.

** I'd never heard this story before she wrote it here. But it doesn't surprise me--when I was about 4 I helped her lay out some quilt blocks to make a quilt for my older cousin. I didn't know that Mom was making a matching one for me, too. When I opened the package with my quilt in it I looked at her and said, "But that's Kimmy's quilt!" I was so surprised and so happy when she told me we'd made one for me, too.

Comments

[Girl Jen]

Moxie, now I know where you get it from! Your mom's lessons seem very lofty, and I know I can never live up to *all* of them 100% of the time, but they're definitely something to strive for.

This quote rings very true:
"Controlling by guilt is a good way to drive your adult children away."

Every time I see my mom (which is extremely often, because she rents out our basement), she shoots a guilt trip at me about how much she wants to see my twin brother. He has wisened up and now lives across town.

I love this quote, too!
"Allow yourself and others to make mistakes without losing face. Turn mistakes and wrong choices into learning experiences."
I've never been a mom before. My husband has never been a dad, and little Lizard has never been a baby. There have already been MANY mistakes in our family, and there will be many more.

[meggiemoo]

I do well with some of these ideals (lighting up when I see my DS is genuine and easy) and not so for others. My biggest problem is that every emotion shows up on my face. I'm honestly unaware of it when it happens. I have no poker face AT ALL.

Others have told me about it in the past, and I've seen it for myself on camera. I don't want criticism in my face to crush my very sensitive son and husband (this is something my father did, and still does...show criticism and judgement with one look). Any suggestions?

[m]

Meggiemoo, I'm exactly the same! Sometimes I think it is okay, because I don't want to lie about my feelings, but, like you, I don't want to crush my boys. Maybe acknowledging the feeling in appropriate words might be a good start? I dunno.

[meggiemoo]

@m...yes, I think you're right. It has made things sticky for me professionally, too, although I've gotten a bit better on that end. I envy those whom you can never tell what they're thinking!

[Maria Wood]

Ugh, you'd think after reading these past two days' posts and comments I'd have had a better parenting night tonight. Coming back here and reading about 'progress not perfection' and 'ideals not rules' is very comforting.

Don't quite know what happened to me – tired and overwhelmed as usual and just cranky, I guess. Maybe some hormones in there as well. There was yelling, alternating with apologizing. There was sending-to-her-room and confiscating toys.

The guilt is paralyzing, every time, and I'm disgusted with myself, every time, frantic to make amends. All I can do is hold her and tell her I love her, and I'm sure it's too much. I'm too intense about everything, maybe.

Anyway, imperfection is my middle name.

[Suzie]

Not sure if this has been discussed to death as I am dropping in from about half-way through the comments - but when my daughter was about 18 months old I was doing the 'silly Mummy' thing - and one day I said 'You know sweetheart, Mummy isn't silly, she is actually really quite clever'. I will never forget the relief and happiness that hit her face as she skipped away from me.

[Jessica]

I have thought about commenting on both of these posts a number of times over the past two days but didn't because I couldn't exactly pinpoint what I had to say. On one hand, I am in complete agreement that Moxie's mom and Num Num gave some great parenting guidelines to strive towards. On the other hand, Linda's comments REALLY resonated with me. I was so grateful for Moxie's Mom's comment at the end that she was a yeller. The “scoldy” quote rankled me even though I knew that wasn't the commenter's intent. Like many, the posts and comments made me think about good things and bad things about my own parenting skills and those of my mother and MIL. I have felt both appreciation for the parenting I received and also a longing for parenting I did not get. I have felt sympathy and empathy for many of the personal stories that have been shared.

But, after much thought, it clicked that the reason why I have had such trouble figuring out what I wanted to say here is that these two threads haven't gone in the direction that I hoped they would. I was hoping to read something that identified some of typical problem areas adult mothers/children run into and a discussion of best practices/coping strategies. For example "how to deal with an overbearing mother," or "mothering after you've lost your own mother."

Like just about everyone, I have an imperfect relationship with my mother. I know she did many things well, but there are also big shortcomings in our relationship. Unlike many, my challenges are a little bit less common, in that instead of being overly opinionated or involved, my mother is much less present in our lives than I would like. She is kind, funny, creative, rarely critical, a source of good advice and was a very engaged parent who met all of needs and many of our wants when my siblings and I were small children. But as we aged, she became almost too detached with all of us. She is always the first person I innately want to call with good or bad news, and she is almost always the last to hear it because she is so hard to get a hold of. She is the last person I would call in an emergency, not because I don’t believe that she’d come running, but because I believe that she would come running but then only be able to stay for a few minutes. Fortunately, I have a fabulous sister and other great family members who all intimately understand the problem, and we can support each other in ways that she can’t. But I struggle with this every day. I struggle with how to deal with her, how to manage my own expectations and hurt, and how not either repeat her mistakes or (more likely) over-compensate with my own children. I struggle because my problem is pretty atypical and most of my IRL friends sympathize but can't really relate. I read other comments where women did mention similar situations to mine, but the sharing of coping strategies part of our normal discussion didn't really come through for me, probably because the comments focused on so many other great topic areas.

I am not trying to criticize or be confrontational, but I was hoping this part of the discussion would lay out what you should reasonably expect to get from your own mother as an adult. Also, I’d hoped for advice on what to do if those expectations are not being met, with discussion/examples of all different types of adult parent/child problems.
Maybe I was hoping for too much? Or many this should be a different thread? Maybe a whole bunch of different threads based on different challenges? Or maybe this is what Moxie intends for us to discuss today?

[mogget]

There are so many nuggets of truth in these posts, as I reread them I see things I missed before. I know my mom tried her best, but some of her weak points were things I really needed. I am trying to do better with my kids than my mom did with me (and my 10 siblings), as I think a lot of parents are doing. Some days are better than others. I feel really in tune with my son (first-born) he is so much like me in personality. I am having a little more trouble really having that same relationship with my daughter, and I am afraid that might be partially due to my own mother's inability to connect with most of us girls. I hope that as she (my DD) grows, I will be able to identify those issues and get past them so that we can have a close healthy relationship.

I think a 60 day parenting challengs is a must!

[eep]

@Jessica, Oh boy, I can relate. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. She was wonderful, funny, encouraging, and had a light hand when I was a child, but as I became a teenager she slowly began to detach. She often doesn't check her phone messages or email for days, and usually doesn't answer the phone. She flakes out on plans we make regularly. If she agrees to do some babysitting or help me in some way I try to have a backup because it is likely that something will "come up." She lives less than 2 hours away, but has seen my 11 month old fewer times than my in-laws who live 10 hours away.

I feel like she is peripheral to my life, an interesting diversion that I get to observe every few months. I am so sad that she won't make a greater effort to be a source of delight in my son's life, and guilty about the anger and hurt I feel. I try to meet her half way, but when I do that I usually end up standing alone, waiting for her to show up. It's tiring and demoralizing. I have been working really hard to quit taking it personally. Her inability to get her stuff together so that she can visit for an afternoon is not an indictment of me. It isn't that she doesn't like me, or like my son. Her problems are hers, and my job is to protect my son from the disappointment that she will undoubtedly cause him when she cancels plans because she fell asleep on the couch, or she has a headache, or a stomach ache, or she has to go to the store, or whatever it is this time.

This is my coping mechanism: remember that her problems are hers, and it isn't my place, or even within my power, to fix them. I just don't want my son to think she doesn't like him.

[hedra]

@eep and Jessica, I can picture two scenarios (maybe more) going on...

1) She promised herself that she'd get to BE herself after you were grown. That was the freedom, the time she never got, and it was for the rest of her life. She never un-did that promise, it set in and hasn't been re-examined (or if it has, the conclusion hasn't changed). Total freedom from responsibility for the relationship was her bon-bon for the end of the day.

2) She can't picture herself as her grandmother (or whatever models she had), and hasn't figured out there are other images she could create that would suit her better.

3) She hasn't figured out what the job of grandmother entails, and so is wandering in and out of it around the edges (especially true if she shifted into 'grandma' without any definition or concept of what that means).

4) She shifted into grandma and assumed that was now her only title (mother is now superceded). She may never have seen her grandmother act as mother to her own mother. No model. And no idea that she might want to reinvent the model for herself.

As for how to deal with any of them, family stories are probably a good way to start. Ask her what her own grandmother was like. Ask her how her mother and grandmother related (MIL/GMIL as well). Ask her about her own dreams for what they'd be like, that weren't met. Was her grandmother overbearing, worse than her own mom? Was the light hand of mother followed by the even lighter hand of grandma having been so flattened by grandma herself? Or was it something else? Drawing out the family stories has many purposes - one of which is that you can selectively pass on stories to your child to give them a structure in which to understand her - because if she's not there, if she's not reliable, the grandkids need also to be able to understand that she has her own pain and issues, and that it isn't personal.

Not sure if that is a help, but that's where I'd start. (And hey, it's 'stuff to try'!)

[Jody]

Jessica, I too have enjoyed these posts but found them a little too theoretical to be useful to me. I struggle with expectations and boundaries in practical, concrete ways every day ["We're going on vacation together in a loaded environment, what coping mechanisms can I use when my mother reverts to the behaviors that cause me pain?], and would love it if these issues arouse in more of the regular Q&A format as the months continue.

[hedra]

@Jody, I'll give you my mom's two favorites for dealing with her wildly inappropriate, line-crossing, flagrantly racist, paranoid, religiously intolerant, but still (sigh) loved aunt...

1) Any time something inappropriate is said, stand up. Nothing more, just stand up. If you feel strange with that, just say 'oh, I thought I heard something, never mind' or extend it as a bathroom break. Do not make faces, imply anything with body language, etc. Just break posture with altitude (if sitting), or step away (turn away, turn around and look elsewhere, etc.). This is a neurological rewiring process, which makes it feel not comfortable to repeat whatever was just said. It's unfair and sneaky, and really useful when you are trying to handle kids or something else and cannot openly address what just happened right this minute. It's similar to putting the child who just bit you down and stepping away. You are still available, you return to the process immediately, but there was a break there, and it's noted even if not consciously.

2) Memorize two or three calm, bland, easily repeated phrases that can serve as blanket responses to the innappropriate items that have already been addressed but are not STAYING addressed. For my mom, it was, 'Please grant my religious beliefs the same respect I grant yours.' (repeat ad nauseum, do not bother explaining again, just repeat repeat repeat) You can also try, 'please respect my boundaries' and 'this is not up for discussion' and 'I'm the mom, I get to choose this time' and 'You had the right to make your own mistakes, I have the right to make mine'. Repeat repeat repeat. Calmly, almost blandly, boringly, but firmly and clearly, too.

My mom did that over and over for years. The line crossing didn't stop, but it did get down to a tolerable level, where they could be civil and even sometimes quite loving toward one another, for sometimes a day or more at a stretch (but enough so that each day could be taken fresh, and she could stay for two weeks without calling me daily to vent - maybe once a week, though.).

Granted, said aunt was elderly, had multiple overlapping mental illness issues (all mild, all complicating things), and had B-12 deficiency anemia (which leads to some weird cognitive issues including anxiety and paranoia), plus a small touch of dementia (non-alzheimers). And oh, probably a million issues un-dealt-with from her own life.

My mom did say it was rather like dealing with a 2 year old, having to draw the boundaries over and over and over and over and over, so that every possible variation of the boundary was manifest. Better if you can get under there and solve the need, so the issue doesn't leak out sideways unexpectedly, but unfortunately, with our parents, that's not always possible, appropriate, fair, etc.

Oh, and

3) Name the game. LOVE this one. "I've noticed that every time I say something nice to you, you follow it with a criticism or sarcasm back. Huh." JUST name it. Don't pursue it, just name it. What is the game that's being played? They may deny it (likely). But it makes it much less fun when the game is so obviously laid out every time they play 'make her jump'.

4) Play 'how I feel is how you feel' - respond to attempts to elicit shame as if she's feeling shame herself - be solicitous. Respond to efforts to make you angry or afraid with the assumption that she is feeling angry or afraid. If nothing else, this is good practice for watching for these patterns with our kids (who also will handle feelings they cannot cope with by triggering them in us).

5) Refuse to play, and apologize/be regretful for declining to do so. "I can see you want me to ask you and ask you what's wrong and why you're angry at me, but you don't seem to want to say. I don't want to press you, so I'm going to stop asking. You can tell me when you're ready." (And say it kindly - holding YOUR boundaries, refusing to be drawn across into their territory by their efforts.) That one is good.

Anyway, those are the ones I have off the top of my head... they're all handy. I've used every one. (Naming the game can be shockingly effective, by the way. As can so kindly refusing to play along in being coached into crossing THEIR boundaries - it's like a way of allowing themselves permission to cross yours.)

And I'll recommend again Melody Beattie's books on codependency. Seriously, you want boundary ideas, she's got 'em.

[jessica star]

It's enough for me that this post said nothing about tummy time. Hooray! I'll stop feeling guilty about that now. :)

[jdv]

@AmyinMotown - An idea for volunteering with toddler and infant could be "adopting a grandparent" or something similar.

When K was 3 months old we started volunteering at an Adult Day Health Center (basically a day care for adults that provided hygiene care, physical therapy and activities for adults with some sort of disability). We sat and talked with the adults in the morning while they arrived. K was a *huge* hit with the older ladies since many were far away from grandkids. And I got a dose of adult conversation - win for everyone!

We had to stop volunteering before K started to walk (we moved 2500 miles and I went back to work). I suspect that once K started walking this particular venue would no longer have worked. Finding one specific adult to visit may have worked better at that point.

Volunteering with older adults is definitely a YMMV activity but I wanted to throw out the suggestion.

[Nutmeg]

I have done every one of the things hedra mentioned for coping with my mother (who is for real several kinds of crazy and can be wonderful and funny, but you never know which woman you are going to get), but without having "names" for them.

And also as hedra said those last two naming the game and opting out of it are real showstoppers. The look on her face when I do that is blank. She doesn't know what to say or do, because I've stopped the avalanche, but she isn't prepared with anything beyond her normal programming. There's usually a couple of minutes of not awkward quietness and then the conversation moves on.