Check 1, 2

So we're back up again, I hope. I still don't know if the posting/comment/directory problem is definitively fixed or not. And the problem remains that whenever it rains too much my cable internet connection in my apartment goes out. (It's a building-wide problem that seems to afflict only our building, out of aaaalllll the buildings in Manhattan.) But in the meantime I lost a post I'd started. I'll try to redo it and post it tonight or tomorrow.

I am feeling a little defeated today, after a nasty shoe-throwing-leading-to-lateness-to-school incident this morning that left me feeling bruised by the Mothering Experience. And then on the way to work I was really just wondering if I'm ever going to find real love. Not a panicked, "Oh, no, I'm going to end up alone." Because believe me, alone would be F-I-N-E fine! But I do have a ton to give, and now that I know who I am it would be nice to have that breathless feeling again, but for the right reasons.

Maybe it's just the spring weather and the end of a looooong week talking.

I'll try to resurrect that post.

Comments

[Lisa]

@Cloud - my friend's son was the same way at that age - would take only milk, juice, water, and dry crackery things. She fed him a lot of "Just Peas" and such (http://www.justtomatoes.com/OJPEAS-P.html) - organic, dried fruits and veggies. Tasty and healthy. It does end, fortunately.

[Lisa]

@Cloud - my friend's son was the same way at that age - would take only milk, juice, water, and dry crackery things. She fed him a lot of "Just Peas" and such (http://www.justtomatoes.com/OJPEAS-P.html) - organic, dried fruits and veggies. Tasty and healthy. It does end, fortunately.

[Ruth]

@Hedra- I have the waistband and toe issues (and more than a few others, sigh) myself.
Elasticated waistbands? Anywhere, but especially sitting at my actual waist? My skin's trying to slither off and hide just thinking about it. The single band of pressure, and the bunchiness? It's all just so... uneven. I feel bisected and asymmetrical at the same time, like my centre of gravity is pulled to my midsection and then off to one side. And then off to the other side. And then... It's all a bit crawly. Very distracting. Pants/jeans/skirts that sit lightly on the hipbone rather than pulling in at the waist, and that are not held up by elastic, are the only way to fly. Or dresses (with no waistband, obviously). When hipsters came into fashion I rejoiced: jeans, skirts, knickers, pantyhose... all hipsters! All off my waist! So exciting. The return of high-waisted jeans is a bit terrifying (and not just because they do no-one's rear any cosmetic favours).
As for the sock issue... I've recently been scolded by my podiatrist for buying all of my shoes too short, so that my toes press up hard against the end of the toe-box (towering heels are great for me, too, as as gravity crams my toes into the end of the shoe). Terrible for one's feet, apparently, but the stimulus-overload does seem to help me to be able to not always be thinking about my damn toes. It's not even so much that it's 'uncomfortable', as such, and certainly not 'painful', just... maddening. Being consciously aware that you have toes? (toes-toes-toes-toes-toes!) Every single moment? No escape? It gets to be a bit much. After, like, 30 seconds. Throwing things certainly seems warranted.
That being said, it was only recently that I found out that this wasn't the 'normal' way to inhabit and experience one's body; and my friend's descriptions of 'normal' experience sound horrific and almost zombie-like to me -- I can't imagine being so obliviously numb. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'd hate for anyone to assume from the descriptions that being wired up this way is necessarily a bad thing... sure, it makes some things (like finding socks!) a little more complicated, but there are other things that 'normal' people really struggle with or are bothered by that seem to be entirely unproblematic for 'people like me'. So it's not better or worse, just... different.

[LauraSLP]

Hi - I'm just starting to comment here, but have been reading for a while. Have loved this community since having my first son 11 months ago.

I'm also feeing bruised by motherhood today - actually it feels like it kicked me in the shins. I over-committed myself to too many mommy-baby social events, ran around trying to attend everything like a chicken with its head cut off. By the last one (dropping in on a co-worker), my son was still covered in his lunch (from our busy lunch date), grumpy because he only got a tiny nap in the car as I dragged him around, and his diaper somehow exploded and sent that gross pee soaked gel all over her carpet. Disgusting. I felt like she was looking at my grumpy dirty bedragled kid and wondering what the hell I was doing with him. Me too. Feeling very guilty - I'm trying to pack too much in in my last weeks of mat leave (a year off - feel very lucky to be Canadian). I don't want this amazing year to end, but I love and miss my job too. My husband is taking his parental leave (37 weeks - again, yay Canada), but I'll miss being at home so much.

Anyway, am ranting. I do hope you're feeling better soon and that you have a lovely long weekend. We had our Canadian May long weekend last week - which was actually lovely and quiet. I guess we're doing ok.

[jbq+h]

@pnuts mama--I have a four month old and a two and a half year old (both girls), and I've found that when they're both crying that it helps calm the older one down if I tend to them both at the same time. Basically one big group hug. And actually, Q, my oldest, gets quite unhappy if I don't tend to the little one within seconds. "Mom-meeee! Baby crying. Pick her up!"

So the little one ends up in my left arm, and the older one in my right.

And, come to think of it, as soon as the little one sees Q, she stops crying. And that started happening when she was quite young. My husband and I think Q is magical for that reason.

I've also continued to play with Q as I always had, but now H is with us. So when she was a newborn, we'd put her in her swing right next to us or I'd hold her and Q and I would play as if H was playing too. So H gets a turn when we play Candy Land. We'd also all do tummy time while I read a book, so H on one side and Q on the other side of me and we'd read. Q and I get one-on-one time while H naps or plays with her feet, and H and I get one-on-one time when Q naps in the afternoon.

I was also very lucky that H is a very speedy nurser. Never more than 12 minutes at a time EVER. I wish the same for you!

[Cloud]

@Lisa- thanks! I remember seeing those things at our grocery store pre-baby, but had totally forgotten about them until you mentioned them. We've been trying freeze-dried fruit with some success, but haven't really hit on any veggies she'll eat except for (sometimes) peas.

[Caroline]

Pnut's Mama, I had my 2nd 3 months ago, my first was almost 4 at the time, both girls.

I got one great piece of advice before the birth of #2 which was that the first time your elder sees you and the brand new baby in the hospital (or wherever you've just given birth) the baby not be on you. You are still physically available, you're still there for her, and you can hold her while you introduce the baby. Seemed like a good foot to start things off on.

We also had a very mixed blessing in that the elder got a whopper of a flu, sicker than she's ever been in her life, when sister was 2 weeks old. Horrible stress, trying to keep the baby healthy (which we did!), but the silver lining was that elder got all the physical closeness and love in the world from us, because she was SO miserable and SO needed it then. She learned right away that we were very much still there for her, even if that meant sleeping in her bed, holding her, whatever she needed.

Not that I wish that on you. It sucked, dealing with a miserably sick kid and a fragile newborn. Sucked a lot. But in hindsight it was great for her, and so far she's got nothing but love for her sister, and I can't help but think that it has something to do with that. So some kind of full on, serious loving on the elder is my prescription.

Good luck. I was TERRIFIED about how the whole thing would work out before #2 was born, the first 3 weeks or so I had a real "My God, what have I done" feeling and went around saying to myself "People do this, People do this, people have 2 kids, I can do this." And now I have to say we're pretty much groovy. Still have kinks to work out (and will for the next 20 years or so) but it's all good.

[Joy]

@pnuts mama- My two cents: I have three, 2 yrs and 4 yrs apart respectively. It's been different for us because ever since my first was 1 I've had a daycare in my home, so he and all my own subsequent kids have had to deal with my attention being spread. That said, I think it's important to involve the older children as much in the care of new little ones as they are interested to be. Participate or not participate as much as they'd like. Ask them what they think of the new little one, and affirm that it's okay if they say they're not too thrilled. Try to let them lead you in how they want to relate to new baby, but also share with older how you're feeling about younger. Relay 'isn't this cute' as well as 'he's crying a lot, isn't he, I'm tired of hearing it, too.'

My kids also really liked it when we referred to new baby as 'your new sister', instead of 'the new baby'; maybe it sounds more like a present that way, I don't know. :)

I think it's important not to assume older is automatically going to be jealous a lot. Yes, it's important to watch for negative *get your attention* kinds of behaviors, and understand that it's just hard for her to articulate what she needs, but if you start out feeling apologetic for this new baby taking mommy time away from her, she's likely to pick up on that and feel that way, too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to kind of present it like going to the zoo; it's going to be a very special, exciting, and wonderful time that can be kind of noisy and smelly and really wear you out.

I also think a new baby is an invaluable way for a child to learn that life is full of changes, and they can be scary at first but can be wonderful in the end.

[enu]

@pnuts Also did not have huge issues bring baby2 home. I don't think I did anything "right" necessarily, just lucked out that way with the two kids' personalities.

Well, Baby1 was a wee bit miffed, I think maybe, today, when baby2's latest SAT scores came back I probably made more of a big deal about it than I normally would have since baby2 has been dealing with some serious sh*t this week, and i wanted to emphasize the positives in her life. Anyways, Baby1 couldn't have been too upset by anything today as she got a fantastic maintenance thingy at the salon and is serious eye-candy.

But you don't have to worry about this for a while ;-)

[Lisa]

Oh wow, this is a great long list of replies, just perfectly timed as usual! We too are stuggling with the whole parenthood thing - I jokingly said the other day that I was leaving home and my DH cried out "take me with you"!! Having 2 kids is very very hard, we are just coping, but only just..... Hoping it will get easier, the 5.5 year old is obnoxious, and the 16 month old is.... well.... 16 months old! lol

Daycare - I worked in day care for 2 years, in all age groups, and I can reassure you all that 99% of kids will be fine after the initial hissy fit of mum leaving them. One little girl I remember would just hit.the.roof. every day, and her mum was just so distraught by it all, but honestly, within 3 minutes of mum leaving this little girl was off playing happily with her friends. And she was nearly 4 years old. I only ever saw one little toddler ( about 20 months old) who didn't really settle after mum left, but I just used to carry him around with me, on my tea breaks, on my lunch breaks etc, and he was fine. After a few weeks he found his feet and didn't need that extra attention anymore.

If you can, peek your head in the door after a couple of minutes and have a look, I bet your child will be just fine! But don't let them see you! Oh, and another tip, can you ask if the teacher can arrange for a speciall little activity that she can do with your child as you leave, so that she can say 'say bye to mummy, and now lets go and .... open the curtains YAY!' or something like that. Use an exciting distraction straight away, so the child doesn't have time to get worked up. It works for some kids.....

Moxie, oh to be breathless again. sigh.... We're coming up to our 10th wedding anniversay in Sept and there ain't no breathlessness here darn it.

[attiton]

@Erika: Being overwhelmed by new motherhood is NOT a sign of failure. It has not always been the case that women were expected to do so much of this alone.

You *deserve* help. Yes, from your husband, but also from more people. Getting trusted daycare help is an excellent way to go about this. SAH or WOH, it doesn't matter. We don't need to do this alone; it is no sign of superior strength to do so.

Go get 'em!

[paola]

@cloud

Oh yeah, crackers. She must have been fascinated by crackers immediately because it was one of the first words she was able to say perfectly and just loves to say 'cracker, cracker cracker'. Loves to eat them to, or rather, crunch them up in her hands and rub them in her hair, and throw them on the floor and then beg for more 'cracker, cracker cracker'- hence the debris I was talking about previously. IN the 'weaning earlier than you want to' post, I was given some good advice about encouraging an unadventurous eater to eat more, that you might be interested in. Basically, offer a variety of healthy foods and try not to get too stressed when they turn it down (even if the little bugger doesn't even touch what you have spent ages preparing and politely asks for 'cracker' instead)

[sj]

@ pnutsmom - my kids are the same distance apart - my son turned three last week and my daughter is 7 weeks old.

he was super excited to be a big brother (and still is) - but he has taken out some of the transition on us and sometimes will tell me to put his sister down, etc, or ask me to hold both of them (which I do comply with when physically possible).

one thing that screwed us up is that I got really sick 2 1/2 wks postpartum, so I was back in the hospital (taking the baby with me to nurse) for four days. Right after that the jealously was obvious and really bad. the other thing that threw us was traveling out of town when the baby was five weeks old - that turned out to be a terrible idea, because I think the loss of the regular routine made it harder on all three of us (husband was not with us for most of the trip).

As for immediately after delivery, I would suggest waiting at least a few hours before your older child sees you - helpful grandparents were in such a rush to see the new baby (and we didn't think it through properly) that when my son saw me I'm sure I looked really really terrible (I had some complications following delivery, and lost a good amount of blood) and he was clearly scared when he saw me with all the wires/tubes.

good luck - some days are tough, but as the baby starts to sleep more, and we all settle in, things have gotten easier.

[Mommy-O]

New Baby: DD turned 3 yo just two weeks after DS was born. She is now 3.5 and he 6 months. I have to agree with enu that we lucked out with the personalities. DD is quite nurturing and looks after the other little ones at daycare so she was excited to have a baby in the house. Our challenge was trying to relay that DS wasn't a doll so we had to be gentle when he was really little but that is less of an issue as he gets bigger. They absolutely love each other and as he becomes sturdier and more mobile, things get easier.

The one piece of advice that I would give to you is to go easy on yourself. There will be a lot of times when you absolutely have to attend to baby. Sometimes you will be able to integrate pnut into the activity (snuggling or reading to her while nursing the baby) but other times you won't. We just realized that this has been a huge step towards DD playing more independently, which isn't a bad thing. There have also been times when I have been absolutely crabby with DD but I would apologize after and explain where the crabbiness was coming from (lack of sleep). Like I said, things are getting better with time but we made mistakes and no one seems traumatized by them, especially the sibling relationship.

Daycare: My DD started daycare at 10 mo because I landed a pt job and had to start back to work. By 10 mo I knew she needed more stimulation than just me. The first 2 weeks were really hard and I showed up for my first day on the job bawling. I started to stand outside the room, out of sight and realized that DD stopped crying within a few minutes and would be off playing. We have to give credit to the daycare staff who do this all the time and really know how to distract and comfort the kids. Our new daycare has a window in the toddler room and if the kids are having trouble saying goodbye, they take them to the window so that they can wave to mommy and daddy's car as they drive past. By the time I drove by to wave, DD wasn't even looking out the window but chatting to friends.

DD likes daycare so much that we kept her in 2 days a week while I am on mat leave. Yes, tight financially but so worth it. Gives me time alone with DS and DD time with kids her own age since she starts school in the fall. We figured having a new baby was a big enough change to her routine without taking her away from all her friends and teachers. It has worked really well and now that the nice weather is here, DS and I walk over to pick her up from daycare so she can show him off.

[The Muser]

Thanks so much for the fabulous site. I've especially appreciated the entries on prenatal and postpartum depression as I struggled through both. Really helpful!

[LauraSLP]

Um... I'm hoping my comment about Canadian maternity leave didn't sound smug. I literally just feel very lucky. I read here about how many of you have short maternity leaves, or no protected leave at all, and I wonder in awe how you do it. I am impressed. Sorry if it came off the wrong way.

[hedra]

@pnuts mama, Do you have Siblings Without Rivalry? A lot of the concepts apply even for young kids.

for us it boiled down to a few things:

1) it being okay to NOT LIKE EVERYTHING about the baby. In fact, to detest some of it. To find it frustrating, maddening, even crippling. To feel trapped by the helplessness needing to be helped. To feel bounded by the rituals and rhythm of another human. To feel resentful of the intrusion into what was a love affair of two (her and you, her and dad). All those okay. All those actively discussed, all those things YOU feel, too (so she doesn't feel alone feeling them, either).

2) Let them catch you watching them. It's easy for them to catch you adoringly looking at the baby. I learned to keep my peripheral vision on high alert for G (and later, B) turning anywhere he might see me. They'd glance up for a half-second, and oh, the hurt if I was staring adoringly at the baby! For my kids it ended up not being the 'quality time/date time' that made them feel confident of their place in the family, it was the micro-blips of non-time. It was the casual touch, the smile on my face as I watched them play, the endless small bits of conversation, even interrupted. That was what made them feel safe.

3) language indicating adoration from baby to elder child. We started this in the womb, really - any time the baby kicked, we said 'ooh, the baby is excited because you' or 'the baby heard your voice, they love to hear you (laugh, squeal, sing)'. Afterwards, any time the baby looked toward the direction of the elder child, we were on it- pointing out the love. Pointing out the adoration. Pointing out the leadership opportunity. We milked the heck out of that, but it's not hard - babies like high-pitched voices, and lots of motion - elder sibling is perfect! (so are cats, we've found) It's a minor payoff for the changes, but it's a valuable one. (we tone it down as they settle in)

4) Be prepared for mixed feelings to come out as 'steamroller love'. At 3, the love/hate thing is usually expressed (IME) as hugging too hard, patting too hard, flattening the baby. It's age-specific, they WILL grow out of it. Just coach as we would with a cat - you don't get to decide if it is safe, and you don't get to decide if they like it. It drove me nuts, but I think there was a post on it here a while back, and yep, normal.

5) Use manners to your advantage. If you have to jump up to get the baby (from elder child), use words you'd use for an interruption. "excuse me, I'm so sorry to interrupt our game. I'm afraid the baby needs help. Please forgive the interruption, I will be right back." and "well, I'm glad that's handled, now we can get back to what we were doing. Thank you for being patient." It feels so much better for even young ones, compared to the gut-level 'dump-and-run' reaction we (I) started out with.

6) Carriers help a lot. Sling!

7) Don't over-play the 'you're a big kid now, you can/can't ...'. Keep that, but also allow some 'you can be my baby, too' play. They need to know they can go back (normal age for that play, anyway, so ... just play along - 'oh, I have TWO babies, I'm so lucky! Come here baby, do you need a cuddle? Crawl to mommy!')

8) Be prepared for things to be fine at first but fall apart when baby becomes mobile. Either pattern can happen. Or both (we got both - hiccup at the start, followed by new hiccups at each level of 'hey, you're getting into my STUFF!')

9) On the marriage front, the first year of ANY child's addition to the family is hard on the marriage. I'm fond of saying that the first year of marriage is the hardest, except for the first year of baby for any baby you add. Six months of scraping by, six months of getting a grip on things, then climbing back into the new normal.

***

As for the sensory stuff - yeah, I've got all the books. I'm not trying to eliminate any of that function, just make it useful (and I cut out tags fast - I never could bear them, either. Though I preferred elastic waists to unstretchy stuff. I needed some flex, as long as it was loose enough.). Just trying to find good solutions (which I think will be crocs for the summer - she likes those).

[Susie]

"Bruised by the Mothering Experience."

Well put. I can't tell you how many times I've felt that. Fortunately, the good times are more numerous than the bruises.

I hope things are better for you today.

[Amy]

I'm late to this one b/c I've been thinking about what I wanted to say about post-divorce love... and now I see the discussion has turned to some other things as well... so here are my two pieces of advice:

@Moxie--love after divorce is totally different than the love you had when you married for the first time. You will never trust someone 100% with your heart because you will know how wrong things can go (and I'm not talking about fidelity issues here... just basic "wow, things can go really wrong" issues). It makes me sad to think that I'll never have that again. But it's also really nice to be in a realistic relationship that doesn't take everything for granted b/c of those vows.

@Pnuts mama--When #3 arrived last summer, I promised myself never to tell #2 (who was 5), "I can't do X with you right now b/c of the baby." As you can imagine, I failed miserably at this b/c there are all kinds of situations in which you MUST tend to the baby first... and #2 had a knack for waiting until I was mid-nursing or bathing or diaper changing for needing me RIGHT AWAY. Instead, I found that commiserating with her was a better approach. "Wow, babies are a lot of work, aren't they?" or "Man, this baby takes up a lot of my time, doesn't he?" I thought that acknowledging that she was getting less of me would at least help her know that I was not ignorant to her situation. I also gave her permission not to like him. I never said to her, "Aw, isn't he so cute?" or "Don't you just love him?" I even went so far as to say in front of her when people would ooh and aah over him that she didn't think he was so great. Again, it meant we kept an open dialogue about her feelings.

So, a year later, she is much better about him. We can now roll our eyes together when he is needy... but b/c I never forced him on her, she was able to warm up to him in her own time. And he just adores her... so it's much easier to get her to spend time with him (b/c what big sister doesn't love the attention of the baby brother?).

Oh, one last thing...we got two very young kittens about a month before #3 was born... and we steered her towards "being in charge" of them. It meant that she has something all her own to care for. Pnut is probably too young for this... but maybe a baby doll for her to care for when you are taking care of the new baby would help...

Good luck and keep us posted.

[alchemilla]

Drives me wild when fathers use the term 'babysitting' refering to them looking after their children. I usually rather pointedly tell them that it is impossible to babysit one's own child. It's like having an affair with one's own wife.

[alchemilla]

Drives me wild when fathers use the term 'babysitting' refering to them looking after their children. I usually rather pointedly tell them that it is impossible to babysit one's own child. It's like having an affair with one's own wife.

[hedra]

Oh, and we've decided on crocs for now, for the owie toes thing. I have a line on some better socks for the fall...