Body talk

I've been thinking a lot about my body lately. What it's good for, what it looks like. How I feel about it, and how someone else is going to feel about it. How I'm taking care of it better than I ever have before.

One of the things I've been feeling sad about is how back when I was young and had a stunning body I still hated it. Back before I got married I was actually pretty (I can say that now, looking at photos from back then) and there was not a single thing wrong with my body. I can't believe I wasted all those years hating it and wishing I looked different. All my imagined flaws.

Now, post-kids and on cortisol overload for a decade, my body really does have flaws. And it's been a struggle and journey for me to feel like I don't need to punish myself for having this body. One of my friends on the T-Tapp message boards recently had this huge insight that working out isn't a punishment because she's fat. Instead, it's just what she needs to do to take care of her body, no matter what size she is.

I'm amazed at the changes I'm seeing in my body since I've actually been doing T-Tapp on a regular basis (3 times a week since January). It's interesting to me that I feel better about myself and my own physical attractiveness now than I did back when my body was truly beautiful. But there's still so much work for me to do, both in caring for my body and in accepting it.

Do you guys want to talk about this? I feel like body image is the shadow of so many things that we experience as mothers and as women.

Comments

[Wendy]

I think that part of my new love for my very imperfect body is that it is now more function than form. For many years my body only served as a form to hold in my soul- now it has produced two human beings, carried and delivered twins and nourished them for 18 months. I am in awe of my body and I am done punishing it!!

(...and I no longer go to the gym, I choose walks with my kids and climbing the monkey bars instead.)

[Diane]

I think it's important to note that you can look at pictures of yourself from 10 years ago and think that version of yourself is beautiful. I do this as well. What I do to convince myself that I am beautiful today is imagining my ten years older self looking at pictures of me today and longing for this face. It makes me prouder of how I look today, post-pregnancy body and all.

[Bobbi]

Yes! For me this has been the most difficult part of becoming older and a mother. I look back and wonder why the hell I hated me so much - there was NOTHING wrong with that body - in fact, I'd kill to have it again now. At thirty pounds over wwhere I would like to be, I struggle with this. I struggle even more watching my mom and sister bitch about a pound or 2 when neither of them tops 110. So my normal is still 30 or 40 pounds heavier than they are. And then I wonder why their body types have ANYTHING at all to do with how I feel about mine...

Such a circle of misery for me. I listen to mom's who say "I wear my sag and stretch marks as badges of honor for making my beautiful children" and I wonder if they really have noticable stuff to deal with, or is it only noticable to them, like my imperfections were to me as a younger woman. Can they really have the "hang" I do and be ok with it? And then I feel bad about feeling bad...

This has been my biggest struggle. My husband loves me and doesn't care and tells me all the right things, but I can't seem to be ok with it myself...

[hedra]

I am kind of weird on the body image stuff. It's like my body image is 'stuck' at a certain point in time. Around mid-college, I think. I was in great shape at the time, but I tended to think of myself as having too much tummy and too much hip. Yeah, I'd take those 'too much'!

And then when I got married and gained weight, I thought of myself as having too much tummy and too much hip. When I looked in the mirror, I saw exactly the same flaws as before.

And when my body went into total rejection of dairy (but I didn't know it yet), and I started going up size after size, I'd look in the mirror and think 'too much belly, too much hip' - but what I *saw* in the mirror was still the same body as before - photos tended to shock me, I couldn't be THAT much overweight, it had to be something about not being photogenic or something.

And then when I cut out all dairy and my weight dropped like a stone (70 lbs at the rate of about 2-3 lbs per week), I *still* looked at myself and said 'too much belly, too much hip'. ARGH.

And then when my body magically stopped losing weight right around my ideal weight (a smidge toward the top end, which means, um, a bit of belly and a bit of hip!), I finally got comfortable with the idea that my body LIKES a little belly and a little hip. And that this is just fine. And looking back at my old photos, I was back to the shape (if not condition or tone) I'd been in college, and dammit I should have enjoyed that shape more. So, I got to love being there, a bit of belly and a bit of hip.

And then I got pregnant with twins, and started gaining, and realized I didn't want to lose being where my body liked being, when it was healthy and dealing effectively with life. That's the first time I really watched myself gain weight and SAW it happening. And had to put in some work to accept it as good - 60 lbs even by the end of the pregnancy.

After the twins, I got back down to that weight and mostly that shape - I still have 'twin skin' on my belly (really fluffy from being over-stretched, though at least not as saggy as it had been shortly after birth!), and the bbs are never going to recover from the repeated size changes plus collagen-relaxing hormones, BUT a good bra makes me feel a lot better about them.

The girls weaned, I put on 5 lbs immediately, I stressed over job and put on another 8. I'm back down a bit, but working back the rest of the way is slow. I think I've developed at least a way of seeing myself, though, because my response to my body isn't 'too much belly, too much hip' anymore. It's more 'a little excess all around, I can see it in my face and feel it in the fit of my clothes' - which seems a bit more realistic.

I'm also trying to remind myself that being overtired increases appetite and makes it harder to exercise AND harder to maintain a positive attitude (for neurological reasons - tired brain has a harder time tracking and retaining positive words, but no trouble at all with scary/bad stuff). So, a bit of mental effort is engaged to remind myself that I'm hungry not because I need more food, but because I'm tired. (Sick kids cycling for three weeks now, plus allergies for me, whee.)

Not sure if that was useful. It just doesn't seem to be the typical experience, so I thought I'd put it out there. I think most people see worse than whatever they are, rather than seeing the same no matter where they are - when I weighed more, *I* thought I looked a lot better than I actually did.

And you've done the psychic-timing thing again, as I'm working on a blog post about how we set up our kids in this way as a culture - especially girls. It ties into po bronson's stuff on praise, actually. I'll try to get that up tomorrow or over the weekend...

[Simone]

Oh, Moxie,
I can so empathize with this. I suppose this is why it is said "youth is wasted on the young..." because when we're young we don't truly appreciate it. I've been dealing with spine problems and an autoimmune disorder the past year, and it's really hit home that my "best" (physical) years are truly over. Now, that doesn't mean I can't be in better shape, or even healthier than ever (since I know now what it means to be truly healthy in a different sense). But, the idea that my body will never be as tight as it was. It will never be as clear as it was, and barring surgery, I will never be as perky as I was. But, I feel like spiritually I'm in a better place with it all. I guess that's the wisdom that comes with age. :)

[Julie]

A few months ago there was a big "Letter to My Body" push from BlogHer. Everyone was encouraged to write and post an open letter to their body. I couldn't do it. Not only couldn't I do it but thinking about it totally shut me down and I haven't written a post for either of my blogs since then. It's like my mind is stuck on trying to write that one post. How messed up is that? I know that this is something that I need to deal with but I just don't ever seem to have the emotional energy to tackle it. My husband says I'm beautiful but all I hear is my father calling me a moose.

[Dawn]

I'm ordering T-tapp. I want to get to a place where I can love my body now.

[jessica]

What I think sucks so horribly and unfairly is the toll that gestating and birthing kids takes on our bodies. I mean it really, really STINKS.

[Sherry]

This really bothers me -- as it should, since I had anorexia and what they called "exercise bulimia" for years. We all must, must, must look at ourselves and think, "How beautiful I am. Just beautiful." Exercise to be healthy, please. Not to be thin.

[rudyinparis]

Ah. Big topic. Anne Lamotte writes about this in "Finding faith"--the whole "I wasn't happy with my body 20 years ago and it was awesome, so I guess I need to be happy with my body now, because 20 years from now I'll think it was awesome." And she writes about being at the beach after having her son and feeling horrifically self-conscious and there was a woman there, in her 40s, with a not-perfect body at all, wearing a tiny black bikini and playing in the surf--and how absolutely beautiful that woman was, because of her obvious happiness, and how it transformed her flawed body and made her beautiful and how no one could tear their eyes off her, because she was so spell-binding. Powerful stuff!

I'm in an odd place because my body is actually in better shape than it ever has been. I weighed a lot more in college, and my Psych 101 analysis of that is that I was so freaked out by my body and by sexuality and the hyper-competitive environment in terms of being attractive to the boys. Fun, much? After college I steadily lost weight for the next 5 years. Then I was kind of scrawny for awhile. Then the whole kids thing... and then, finally, I started working out and doing yoga about 8 months ago and now I have muscle. I am so proud of my body, after everything it's been through, and everything I've put it through!

Years ago I used to say that it was so unfair--young women are all beautiful by virtue of youth and it's like giving a Masarati to a girl with a learner's permit. And then you finally learn to drive but the car's now gotten a bit dinged up by the process. But now I think, hell, it's still a Masarati, isn't it?

I get confused, too, thinking about sexuality and teasing out my own unabstracted desire and what part of my desire is linked to *being* desired by a man. As a younger feminist, I really wanted to pull out the part of me that enjoyed *being* desired, and I just wanted to feel desire. Now I'm not so sure that it's not all just part of one package. And maybe I should let it go, and accept that sometimes I enjoy being viewed as a sexual being, first and foremost. Heretic thoughts, indeed.

Lately my focus is on working toward loving my body as it ages. I've been talking to as many women as I can about menopause. I want to be okay with it. I don't want my body to define me, and I want to be able to gracefully accept my body as it ages. It's a lifetime project. To love oneself.

[sue]

Oh goodness - what a difficult subject. I actually don't look back on old photos and long for my body or my face - I had a breast reduction when I was 17, and before and even for years after, I was so self-conscious about my figure that I wold wear enormous, frumpy, men's clothing to cover it up. I honestly don't remember what my body was really like, and there's no evidence in photos, since everything I wore was basically a tent. In high scool, I *hated* my face so much that once, when we had to make plaster casts of our faces during a retreat, I destroyed my cast because I couldn't stand to look at it or take it home afterwards.

I only started liking my body after I had my daughter, almost 4 years ago. Something about seeing what it was able to do, really impressed me. And since I've started t-tapp, in January, I feel strong and energetic for the first time. I still have 20 pounds to lose (ah, babyweight - the goal is to have it off before he turns 2) but am feeling ok about things - I even ran a 5k last month, which I would NEVRE have had the confidence to do before.

As for my face, I finally started to come to terms with it as my daughter has gotten older. People say she looks like me, and since she's obviously the most beautiful girl in the world, I couldn't be so bad, right?

As you can tell, I had more than the normal amount of body/appearance angst in my teens and early 20's. I feel, though, that I've come out of it (mostly), thanks mainly to my kids. Now that I'm heading towards 30 in the next couple of months, i'm mostly at peace with things.

[diedre]

this is timely topic for me because last night around 11 PM when I had my precious 10 free minutes and opted for a glass of wine instead of the situps I need to be doing, I started wondering if this was The Beginning of the End.
Since college, I've actually had a pretty healthy body image. I'm athletic and run marathons and swim, hike, etc (I live in Boulder so I'm outside all the time). Working out was always about being fit enough to do the things I like to do. I would cringe when friends would stress over not "burning enough calories" at the climbing gym. I happily put on about 5 lbs to help myself get pregnant. I never LOVED my body but it looked pretty good in jeans and it felt great- always loads of energy and strength.

I popped really early while preggers and hated the comments from people. I was surprised by how vulnerable I felt to their judgment and lied to strangers about my due date so that wouldnt make an insensitive comment. And then after my bugaboo was born I barely had time to eat and my weight fell off. I also had to go on an elimination diet when she was 3 months for her food allergies and my weight fell to just below my pre-preggers and then here came the judgment again. People made hurtful comments about my milk supply and accused me of losing weight for myself and ignoring my daughters needs. Little did they know that I was literally starving so that my daughter would be safe. I started wearing baggy clothes to hide my thin body.

Now, I'm at a nice healthy weight and all I want is my flat tummy back and to be able to run a race without being in pain for a week afterwards. But IM SO TIRED. I work, my daughter is 6 months old, my husband commutes to work and goes to night school for his MBA. Ther eis so little time and I've tried squeezing it in but IM SO TIRED. I really want to feel good again with all that energy and with a strong body that didnt hurt all the time. And to be honest, I wouldnt mind feeling sexy again!

[Amy]

All I can say Moxie is, DITTO.

Body issues now have a reason, but I feel way more hot than when my body was more "perfect." Which is weird, but maybe all this comes with maturity?

Congrats on sticking with the T-tap.

[hydrogeek]

What a loaded topic. I think that I have a pretty good body image, even though I've been anorexic in the past. (I think that had more to do with stress than body image.) It's pretty telling though, that my VERY FIRST thought at my 20 week sonogram when they said little girl was "Oh man, how am I going to raise a little girl with a positive body image in this day and age."

I still think about it a LOT, and would welcome any advice. I do a lot of telling her how proud I am of her for many things that have nothing to do with body, and also to tell her how pretty she is. This is where maybe I'm weird, but it looks like she will inherit her mama's tendency of holding weight in the butt and thighs (at 17 months still baby pudge, and CUTE) and I specifically tell her how cute that is. I want her to embrace how her body is, or will be, rather than, like Hedra says, always looking and seeing it as "extra". My mom somehow managed to impart this to me (for the most part) but I have no idea how.

As for myself, it seems like pregnancy and childbirth, while doing a number on my bellybutton, has gone a long ways towards me viewing my own body as strong and useful and being able to trust that it's doing the right thing. That's a big leap after all the mistrust of my body that was fostered during infertility.

Like someone said above, most of my excercise now is in the form of walking, running, and playing with my daughter. How blessed I am to have a body healthy and strong enough to do that.

[Nina M]

I wish I could be where you are, Moxie... I'm working so hard on getting there. I'm a young mom (26) and am very athletic now, although I wasn't until college. After years of therapy for bulemia and other issues, I'm still struggling hard with body image. I want so badly to at least be ok with my body, if not love it. People say time will fix it, but after seeing my grandmother at 76 eat like a bird because she was afraid of "getting fat," I don't believe it. If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a society where we didn't beat ourselves up because we aren't all a size 0?

[eep]

What a giant can of worms we are tackling today! I have always been a little, um, big. I am 5'10", so I would be a physical presence no matter my width, but I have worn a size 14 for most of my adult life. So, yeah, big would be with word. I have never liked my body, I never wore shorts in public, even in August in NC, and I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I spent a lot of time and energy scrutinizing and criticising all my flaws.

I topped 200 pounds during pregnancy (I won't tell you at what point during pregnancy), and the weight did not fall off after the birth. I began a dwonward spiral of PPD about 3 months postpartum. One good thing has come out of that struggle. I decided to get my physical house in order. I felt so out of control in most areas of my life, but I knew I could control what went into my body and what I did with that body.

I have lost over 60 pounds since October, and for the first time in my adult life, I am pretty comfortable. Everytime I pass a mirror I am pleasantly surprised by the person I see, and I have so much more time now that I don't have to obsess over my body and worry about how clothes look on me. My body's not perfect by a long shot, but it is my creation. I take responsibility for its flaws and its wonderous beauty. It made a beautiful baby, it supports me and carries me through the day, and it is the one thing that is truly mine. And I went out a bought shorts, real shorts, made for women, and I will wear them in public!

[ada]

Wow! What great timing. I've been thinking a lot about my body & body image lately.

And like you Moxie, I spent my college years wishing my body was different. I wished it was "better." And I would DIE to have that body now.

I gained over 40 pounds during my pregnancy. And it all just fell off afterward. I really didn't have to try. But my body is COMPLETELY different now. I'm fitting back into clothes I couldn't wear when I got pregnant. And I weigh MORE now. Everything has shifted around.

I started T-Tapp with their 60 day challenge. And its wonderful. I love it. Its helping me get a strong body (getting ready for baby #2). And its given me perspective.

One great thing has happened to me. I've just let go of this self-loathing. I simply do not have time for it any longer. I have a full-time job. I have an 8mo son. I have a marriage. I have a family. I do not have time to hate myself. I just have time to focus on making sure I'm healthy - on many different levels.

[Jill]

I wish I had been a lot nicer to myself 100 pounds ago. I think I just always thougth of myself as "fat" and that let me just put on a few more and a few more and a few more, and here I am needing to lose 100 (at least) pounds. I look back at pictures of myself in high school and I was HOT! And I thought I was fat. I think I wore a size 6. I cna't remember a time when I haven't been on a diet or thought about my weight, etc... I wish I had a time machine.

[Julie]

Yes....to all of the above. I think the thing for me is that getting "fit" to the definition it had before I had Alex requires so much more work than I have time for, or am willing to carve out. Yes, it's important to me. Yes, I want to drop those 20 lbs I've gained since weaning (nearly 2 years ago). I like exercise, I like feeling strong and healthy, I WANT TO FIT INTO THOSE SKINNY JEANS AGAIN!!!!!! But I simply do not have the time to put into what it would take to do that (other than whipping my boob back out and producing milk as a wet nurse, which for me was a huge calorie burn, but sadly is socially unacceptable). I would workout for 1-2 hours 5 times a week. I just don't have the time anymore to do that. I'm running during my lunchbreak 3x per week and that feels perfect for me. Yet, I got on the scale this morning and I am weighing 3 lbs more than when I started 6 weeks ago. Frustrating? You said it. For me it's like living with multiple personalities, and it depends on the day who shows up. Happy Harriet who thinks things are good and I should be able to indulge once in a while and I really still look pretty good, or Angry Annette who thinks I am lazy and need to whip myself in shape and FOR GODS SAKE PUT THE M&MS DOWN YOU FAT COW!!!!

And some days they're there at the same time, in the same moment arguing with eachother, which gets really interesting. Bottom line, I struggle with mindful eating. I eat when I am working, while I read......all the time. But really, I look okay. I am fit (albeit a little flabby and shorts are an adventure I'm not inclined to take at this time) but really....I'm strong and healthy and that's the most important thing. But ya, it's a struggle.

[Rita]

I think it's great that you've brought up this topic, thank you. I'm young and have not yet had any children. Growing up, my mom (who I thought was very beautiful) would stand in front of the mirror daily and comment on how "fat" she was. I had major issues with self immage through high school and college, and still struggle with seeing myself as normal weight, which I am. I agree about excercising though. It always makes me feel great about myself, no matter what I weigh or what else is going on in my life.

[Laura]

I wish that having had a perfect baby boy made me happier with my body. But it hasn’t. I’m twenty pounds overweight, and nothing fits me. I feel profoundly unsexualized, and old in a way that’s new to me. Oh, well. This is an old pattern. Even when I was younger, and naturally quite thin, I felt compelled to over-exercise...to the point I destroyed my knees in distance running (so I could maintain a 110-pound weight), and now can’t do much exercise at all, or even wear high heels. A good thing about raising a son is that it’s unlikely he’ll suffer from the same silliness about his own body. Maybe watching him grow will inspire me to take care of myself in a more reasonable fashion.

[Alma]

Weight has never been an issue for me, so body image for me isn’t about imperfections or size, but about being a Woman. (And I’ll say I never used to think one way or another about body image, I liked my body it seemed to maintain itself and so it didn’t occupy much space in my thoughts. Or so I thought.) I started T-tapping right at the time I also made some changes (again) to drink more water and eat less sugar and to clear up my skin. More than toning up or gaining muscle strength, T-tapp has put me in touch with how I hold and move my body as a woman, especially in the constant motions of the day - walking, sitting, standing. Cleaning up my diet has dovetailed with this in a way I can’t explain well, but echoes a similar theme for me in fueling me to be a grown up woman day in and day out. The skin issue is a work in process, but despite the humiliation of acnegenic skin and the almost equally humiliating process I’m following to get it clear (Terry Dubrow‘s plan includes ice packing my face every night), the improvements have made me much more conscious of this movement from feeling a little like a fraud as a grown up to actually being a Woman. This physical dimension to understanding, accepting, being a Woman has been surprising to me and is continuing to inform my psyche and behaviors in small ways that that might be meaningless to others but pack a punch for me: getting a good haircut regularly and deciding it belonged in the budget as a non-negotiable; buying a new shirt that fits me well and browsing the stores for clothes and purses and shoes every week to reconnect with feminine things that I haven’t bought for myself in years; getting a sewing machine for my birthday just because I‘m really interested in learning to sew; getting flowers for the yard because I think they‘re pretty… These things are part of body image for me because most of them effect my appearance and in turn my internal image of me which encourages caring for my exterior instead of autopilotting it, it’s a cycle that feeds itself. Moving across the country by myself, getting a master’s degree, excelling in a demanding job before becoming a mom, being widowed at 28, selling a home, deciding to remarry, laboring for 32 hours to birth my daughter, none of these things inspired the deep in my bones sense that I am a Woman, but now, looking at my body: its shape, its condition, its feel, how I move it, how I cover it, that is the integrating experience for me.

And to conclude this ramble, for me, becoming a mom pushed me to the bottom of the priority barrel for years, initially out of necessity and then out of habit. The idea of my body, of my being, has helped move me into the priority list in a more balanced way.

[habeas]

This is a hard topic but I'm glad to read everyone's struggles as it makes us feel less alone. I am 6 months pregnant now and live in Boulder. Diedre's comment rang true--people here tend toward the uber-fit. After doing triathlons (short ones, slowly, but finishing) the past few years, this year pregnancy is making me feel extremely limited and held back. I want my baby to be healthy, but I miss being able to run and do more strenuous activities. And I am most impatient with myself.

My weight gain is where it should be for the pregnancy at 26 weeks, but near-strangers feel completely comfortable telling me I need to eat more, I look too thin, and even that my baby will be too small if I don't gain weight. I love being a mama--this will be my second child--but my body is not fond of being pregnant. And it p*$%&s me off that my generation is pushed so hard to put off starting a family until our 30's for career reasons, when our bodies would have been so much more capable in our 20's. I just want to tell Diedre: my first daughter is three now and it does get better. You will get your energy back. And new research shows women in their 50's are doing amazing things with their bodies in terms of training and race times. We can still look forward to good stuff, instead of wishing for our bodies of the past.

[Claire]

This is a timely topic. I always felt like I didn't have any body image issues - my weight was relatively stable, and it never worried me.

Now that I'm pregnant, I feel myself cheering when I don't gain much weight between appointments, and then obsessing about my weight gain between appointments. Mind you, it's not stopping me from eating a healthy pregnant diet (with some unhealthy but oh-so-good ice cream thrown in), but it's brought to light what must be a latent body image issue I have.

I like my pregnant belly - I worry that since I'm only halfway through, I'll be enormous by the end. But what really worries me is what I will look like afterwards. Which is when I know the body image issues will definitely kick in.

It's been an interesting discovery about myself - these issues. I just have to figure out how to get past them, now.

[Bella]

I hear you, Moxie. I lived in Florida as a teenager and it was just the most AWFUL place for me to grow up in terms of body image (and having immigrant parents who just DID NOT GET the whole thin thing didn't help). My mom was constantly telling me how beautiful I was and I never, ever listened. Looking back at pictures, she had a point.

Two years after having my twins, I'm back to pre-preg weight, but I completely don't recognize my shape anymore. The thing is, I now have a more complex image of my body. Like other commenters, I feel so strong and proud of that strength when i play with my boys. And after five years of infertility (read: LOATHING my body and its ineptitude to do what was "natural"), being able to breastfeed my boys for a year was the most healing thing that ever happened to me. So, I have a lot more respect and pride for my body now than I've had for a long time.

Having said that, I don't really like my odd olive-on-a-stick (preferably in a martini) look that I'm sporting right now. I've bought all the T-tapp tapes, the book, etc. I suspect the next step is actually getting off my butt and DOING some of the exercises. Thanks for the inspiration, Moxie.

[Catharina]

I was lucky, because I had that moment of "Wow, I looked much better than I thought" very early on and it taught me how incredibly misleading our self-image can be and not to trust it. When I was about 20, a childhood friend of mine gave me a picture of us when we were 12. I clearly remember thinking I needed to lose weight back then...and was shocked when this picture showed that I was as skinny as could be! So I have really, really been trying to love my body the way it is and to take care of it for the sake of keeping it healthy, and not to attain a certain size/weight. I am 25 now and don't have any children and am trying to lead a healthy lifestyle; learning to enjoy sports and integrate exercise into my daily routine (biking to classes) and eating healthy, but not dieting. The thing is, I LOVE food and as much as I might like to have a few pounds less, it is really important to me that I don't lose the ability to actually enjoy some cookies without feeling guilty about it. I absolutely hate what a huge topic weight is for women and how much my friends, even my mom, (and of course sometimes I) obsess about it. I really wish it weren't so hard to just be.

[Katie B.]

Hmm... Last weekend I saw some members of DH's family for the first time in months, and the first thing they said to me was about how much I've gained - because of my beautiful round baby belly. Mind you, I have gained about 28 pounds, very little of it padding, and have held that weight for nearly a month now, and I'm 37 weeks. I know that they were trying to express joy in my baby belly, but it really bothers me that all they could say was related to weight. For visuals, check my blog - I'm so not fat!

I am 6' tall, and have never been scrawny (except when I was deathly ill, but that's another matter). When I was born, it was evident that I would be tall and not skinny, and so my parents started immediately on a campaign of "big is beautiful". Before I became pregnant, I was in the low 170s (don't know exactly, I don't own a scale), fairly slender, and curvy, and about the same shape I'd been for a decade. My MIL was always going on about how skinny I was, and how much she envied both my appearance and my eating habits - I tend to premature satiety, and don't eat tons in general; I fall into a book rather than eat as a coping mechanism. While I've never been comfortable with people calling me beautiful (as they have most of my life), I did realize somewhere in my twenties that I could have pretty much any guy I liked - not that I did, but the realization felt amazing! In general, I like my body, and I wouldn't change it - I wouldn't shed the "cellulite" that pads my hips and butt, I wouldn't get rid of the womanly curves of my belly. I don't even mind all the silvery stretch marks from puberty. What gets me are the scars - the great gash down my lower belly from my burst appendix is the biggest. DH loves my body, though, and while I don't, even now with my beached-whale thing going, feel unattractive, it does wonders for me that he thinks I'm sexy as anything.

All of which is a roundabout way of saying that I have a pretty awesome body image, even though my self-esteem tends to the shaky. My parents did such a great job with the "big is beautiful" thing that I rarely think about how my body compares, and really don't understand the obsession so many people have about it. I love my body. It is perfect for me, and while it shows "flaws", those are the marks of a life lived.

Ask me again in six months, when I have a better idea of what it'll be like post-baby!

[hedra]

@eep, at my ideal normal weight (also 5'10"), I wear a size 14. I've got hips and a chest and (heh) a little bit of tummy... and they look good in size 14. That's not big. It's me.

@several others - the telling our kids they're beautiful thing - did YOU believe it? Because I didn't. Moms are supposed to say that sh*t. It doesn't make it real. It's akin to saying the kid is smart - it not only can end up sounding to them like a lie, it also undercuts the will to strive for what we want for ourselves, induces the urge to cheat, creates under-acheivement (slacking, letting it go, undermining ourselves, setting ourselves up to fail, negative self-talk, etc.).

I only just figured this out last night, so I'm still working it through, but really - I didn't believe it when someone said I was pretty, beautiful, etc. Same with smart. And when I did strive to achieve something in either looks or academics or any other area, telling me it was natural - just part of who I was, a talent or an inborn beauty or IQ - totally p*ssed me off. I worked for this, dammit. So, either way you go with praising beauty (brains, talent, etc.), it sets the other person up. We set our kids up ALL the time on this.

For me, the answer is in the details, and in the things that one can do WITH what one has, separating out the effort from the gift. We have a relatively easy time (relatively, not even or perfect) telling the kids that we're proud of their effort, work, diligence, focus, attention, practice, consideration, thoughtfulness, etc - things that are under their control, that are matters of effort and application. We totally SUCK at telling them that we're proud of how well they take care of themselves, at their self-care, their respectful treatment of their bodies, their attention to detail on their grooming, and their consideration of their 'look'. Okay, except that last one - we give full credit to the BOYS for their attention to their style, individuality, and expression of self through their choices in hair, clothes, and shoes. The girls? Um, they're pretty. Beautiful. Lovely.

Damn.

Setting them up, just like I was set up. Just like my mom was set up.

We end up either making the effort and feeling like it is a mask or a fraud, or we don't bother, and feel like we're ugly (even though we're really just not making any effort). Lose-lose.

Um, anyway, that's kind of the subject of tomorrow's blog post, when I get to it. But... well, I couldn't leave it just there, and hope people came by to read it. Moxie's readers seemed a good audience for it, separately. More there later, though!

[Kinky]

Yup, I've pretty much felt the way you describe, regretful of youthful foolishness, since I was about 33. It's been a downhill run since 30 (though the things that bother me the most are those that I didn't know to expect. Wrinkles and grey hair, no biggie. Why did noone tell me about the bad knees and incontinence???). I try to use it to be more accepting of myself as I am now. I try to look at myself as a 70-year-old would. And I've had a few wonderful cocktail experiences with 70-year-olds who clearly thought I was the bees knees and sexy as all get-out. So it's all relative, but the wisdom isn't worth diddly if I don't use it!!!

[hedra]

(oh, and predictably, the boys - who hear about their choices and actions more re: 'their look' - are willing to put a little effort into their choices. The girls... well, try getting them to comb their hair! Just try. It's like having to make an effort would prove the case that they're NOT as pretty as we say. We're still better on clothing choices than everything else, all around, though - they choose what to wear, and we mention that more than anything else... and by Kindergarten, G was a fashion leader at school, with the 4th graders copying his 'look'... Not that I'm aiming for fashionistas, but just taking their own risks and being willing to like what they like, because *they* like it - that's really the goal.)

[MrsHaley]

The many comments about how motherhood has changed others' body image really resonate with me. I was critical of my body to a pretty normal degree before having children, but the "imperfections" pregnancy & birth brought on do not bother me as much as I thought they would. I really do feel they are badges of honor -- like Bella said, now I have respect for and pride in my body and what it can do.

I also have had the experience of being at the beach, feeling self-conscious, and seeing women who were out-of-shape, overweight or what have you, in skimpier suits than I'm wearing, frolicking freely and clearly more at ease in their bodies than I am. That gives me courage to try to be as free becuase their beauty is so apparent.

Finally, one of the things that gets me off my butt to exercise every day is knowing that it is almost equally effective at combating mild/moderate depression as medication is. I would much rather be trudging around the neighborhood, shoving the stroller, than stuck in the mire of sadness. For me, not exercising is a nasty cycle of feeling sad, not wanting to move because of the sadness, then feeling worse because of not moving. No thanks.

[anonymous]

Oh ladies, what do you do when your husband does NOT reassure you about your body image, when instead he has a big agonizing talk with you about how he's no longer attracted to you because of your weight (yes I'm overweight by about 40 lbs and have never been a small person). This all happened several months ago when things were especially hard for us. And he's tried to take it back, and he's said how agonizing it was for him to say it since he knew it would hurt me but he just felt he had to get it out, and he's said that I've attributed too much to the weight part (he mentioned some other factors in not being attracted to me - stress and meds and co-sleeping)..... anyway it's one of only about a million problems in our relationship, and we're trying to see if it can work, but..... what if I can't let go of what he said?

My weight is one major issue I haven't really dealt with/processed yet, and to have the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally base his rejection on it, well, sucks.

I know in some part of my brain that I am beautiful but I'm not sure I can ever believe it. All my life I've been getting feedback that says I'm not. (and to clarify, my husband actually did say that I'm beautiful, just not sexually attractive) And if I can't let go of this, if he has hurt me too much with this and other stuff, what do I do then?

I'm trying to be healthy and to just sit with things and see where they go for now. I don't have enough money to buy T-Tapp right now but I'm trying to walk and bike. I know I feel stronger about all of this when I at least have some energy.

[Suzie]

I've had a really hard time with loving my body since having the lil' pumpkin (now 7 months old). Ironic, isn't it -- my body doing the most amazing thing imaginable -- giving birth -- causes me to not like it so very much!

I think it all comes down to the fact that I haven't been taking very good care of myself since pumpkin arrived. She's the priority, first and foremost, then my husband, then the dog, with Mommy all the way at the end of the list. (Oh, my therapist would have a field day with this.) Good eating habits have fallen off the wagon, traded in for any eating at all, and working out is not something I get to as often as I should. I loved reading your friend's quote, Moxie, because when I really think about it, I feel the same way: in the long run, working out and taking care of my body does make me feel good. Doing otherwise makes me feel the way I feel now -- just sort of eh.

My problem right now is getting back on track. I know I can, as I've made major life changes before (most notably, losing 100+ pounds) -- I'm just really struggling this time around.

How to end this on a positive note.... well, I'm thinking of joining a new gym that seems to have awesome childcare, so I can feel comfortable taking the pumpkin with when I go (as opposed to my current gym, where I would not EVER take her), and I am excited about that. And I'm recommitting myself right now before you all to actually count points and not just fool myself into thinking I'm doing Weight Watchers! :-) Accountability is key.

[Marguerite]

Body Image, hmm. I've never had a worse image of myself then now, 10 months after having given birth to twins.
I use to like the way I look, even after my first pregnancy. Now my belly is all stretched out and depressing to look at for me. I have a hard time now reconciling my actual image (saggy flabby post-twin belly) with what i feel like (young, energetic etc). hedra's comment about how her skin improved really gives me hope...
For me, it all ties down to learning to be patient with myself, that's my biggest struggle.

[ML]

I too wish for the body of my youth (really my pre-baby body), which at the time I used to see mostly the imperfections: like Hedra's "too much belly, too much hip." I sometimes still rage at myself for not being able to just drop the baby weight, but I remember a lesson I learned when still a teenager while working in a coffee shop. One day, my coworker, who was much bigger than I, looked at me wistfully and said, "I would give ANYTHING to be as small as you are" and right there and then, how I viewed my body changed.

[Liz]

This is a very timely discussion for me as well, as I'm working full time with a five-month-old boy. I've always been in the normal weight range but have never been able to convince myself that it's good enough-- I wanted to be "Hollywood thin" rather than "normal" thin.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding have been so liberating to me, because they've totally changed my conception of my body. When I was young, I thought of my abdomen as belly and fat, and I thought of my breasts as sexual objects. But now I think of my body as functional-- I marvel at the way my abdomen accommodated a growing uterus and the way my breasts have become milk producers. I'd love to have more time to exercise because it feels good to get my heart rate up, but I'm not beating myself up about the physical attractiveness aspect any more. I'm all about keeping my son fed at this point (a real challenge since I need to pump 30 ounces a day!), and my supply plummets when I try to restrict my food intake. I'm eating huge amounts and I don't feel bad about the post c-section belly pooch at all.

I'm not sure what my husband thinks about this attitude or whether I'll go back to the neurotic approach once I wean (especially as I spend more time with my taut single friends in summertime settings), but I'm in a good place right now. =)

[heather]

"Exercise for sanity, not vanity." Can't remember where I read that, but it's so true.

Honestly, I couldn't care less how much I weigh or what size my pants are. The important stuff is what I'm capable of and how I feel.

I read a study about girls and body image. The conclusion was that girls who were active had better body image and therefore more self confidence than those who were inactive (can't remember how "active" and "inactive" were defined). Another reason to get out and play on the monkeybars with my daughter!

[Suki]

@Nina - It really is possible to like your body even in our society obsessed with Hollywood thin/the size 0. I was bulemic and self-loathing for a decade, so I know what it's like, but I can honestly say now that I forget to weigh myself for weeks at a time, and haven't felt a twinge of self-judgment/hate/disgust for many, many years. I am very comfortable with my body, even with a few extra pounds still on from pregnancy and breastfeeding. The pounds are irrelevant. It's really not about your body. It's something in the mind that needs a shift in perception. Pema Chodron's writings really, really helped me. Anne Lamott's great too. I would recommend reading until something rings true for you; until you're able to make the mental shift...

[Kate]

1. My (mommy-and-me) yoga teacher frequently tells us how having a strong core is so very important to a woman's self image and inner strength. Not a flat tummy, but a strong core. I don't have t-tapp, but from all you say about it, Moxie, it seems to be pretty focused on building the core muscles. So, maybe that is why you have such a great body image right now.

2. Moxie mentioned something about how someone else would feel about her body. That is something I have been thinking about lately, too. As a newly single mom who will someday want to date again, I worry about how my stretched-out, post-baby tummy would be perceived by someone who's not my husband.

[ada]

@anonymous

My heart aches for you! I don't know how you get over that. I'd be interested to hear other commenters ideas. I've never been able to let go of things like. It can be soul-crushing.

I remember spending a wonderful afternoon baking cookies with my mother when I was about 7 years old. And then we sat down at the table and proceeded to eat them all. It was a wonderful day, and I though nothing of it, until my father came home, took one look at us, and asked my mother in this horrible voice "did you just sit down and eat ALL those cookies?" And what I remember most was her face - just crushed. sigh.

I am determined to try to NOT talk about food & body image in a negative way around my children. But it can be a challenge to ignore all the negative voices in your head.

[Jill in Atlanta]

During my second pregnancy I refused to look at the scales, knowing I'd surpass my husband in weight pretty early on. I also put on five cup sizes while pregnant and a bit more when my milk came in. Then when I had to drop the breastfeeding, it was like deflating water balloons. I had had fybrocystic breasts (very dense and lumpy) and so the change was dramatic. I promised myself that I would spend a year trying to adjust to the changes in my body before doing anything drastic, but I didn't rule out doing anything either.

Now I try to look at my body with more confidence than when I was young (tall and thin) and remember the miracles it can perform. The belly is a reminder of my womb, the hips work well to carry babies. They are parts of a woman, not parts of a girl- who has no need for them. I try to stop comparing myself to others- I often do yoga with my eyes primarily closed- and to feel comfortable in my clothes instead of a number on the scales (of which I don't own any).

I think I'm happier with my body now than I've been at any time prior to now. For my 40th birthday I decided to quit coloring my hair. I used to highlight it, and now I let the gray do that for me. I'm taking it one step at a time, but I'm hoping I'll just improve with age- in attitude if nothing else!

[clementine]

What a great topic. Now that I have two baby girls, I am wondering how to teach them to think postitively about themselves and their appearance. I don't even know where some of the negative messages in my head came from. I look at old photos and ask why I thought I was unattractive. The best I can figure is that a contributor was that I learned from my parents to be very critical of other people (in all sorts of ways) and, from my mother, to be very sensitive to criticism. Now I realize that such a critical view of others can be based in insecurity. And, I now choose to view the world with more forgiveness and compassion than that.

In recent years, I developed a more functional idea of my body--that it is healthy, capable, and strong. That has helped me see the effects of pregnancy as the result of doing something incredible--carrying healthy twins full term. (Hedra, I love your description of twin skin as being 'fluffy.') I think I'll be able to come to terms with my body not being the same as it was before. At least I hope I will. And, I hope I can give my daughters a broader view of health and beauty than what I had.

But for now, there's not the time or energy for exercise, or, I'm afraid, intimacy. And that's making me feel a bit out of touch.

[Account Deleted]

The thing that is most difficult for me is not being able to assert that I would like to look different (better, to me, but I suppose that is subjective). I feel like since I got married and, especially after having my son, it is not acceptable for me to be the least bit vain. I guess since I'm not "out there" trying to snare a husband it is considered more acceptable for me to be heavier?

Even with those I love I need to couch my healthful eating and new exercise habit in terms of being healthier, stronger, more energetic, etc. While those are certainly more wholesome motivations, I certainly would also like to smooth out the bumpy places and perhaps not feel embarrassed in my (rather modest tank) bathing suit. My husband and parents rush to reassure me that I am "fine just the way [I] am," and I suppose that is the unconditional love talking, but I would appreciate their support in my new direction too.

[Carla Hinkle]

I have recently lost a bit (about 8 lbs) of weight I have been trying to lose for a long, long time -- 7 years ... trying before, between, and after 2 pregnancies (I gained about 30 lbs with each pregnancy and never had any issues with it). (I realize it isn't really that much weight but I am a very short person so it seems like more on me -- it is at least 1 clothing size, possibly 2. Plus when I was a teenager/young adult I was freaking TINY so I always have that to compare to in my mind).

The funny things is, now that I am thinner than I have been since before I got married, I don't *feel* all that different. I guess I always expected that the heavens would open up, angels would sing, blah blah blah when I finally lost the extra 10 lbs I'v been dragging around. It is a good lesson that a lot of this stuff is in your head -- because while I've gotten a few compliments, mostly I think I look/feel about the same as before. Weird.

[rudyinparis]

Anonymous,

Oh, my heart goes out to you. How hard. Beyond hard. That would totally knock me off my feet.

Here's the only thing I can think of for advice: focus on your libido and boosting it and your erotic awareness for your own benefit, and your own benefit alone. Not for your husband, not for the goal of being desirable to him, but for the goal of being desirable to yourself. Tell him you're going on a journey to reconnect with your sexual self and until you return from that journey, it's hands off for him. (Make him wait.) Seek out woman-friendly porn or smut that features natural larger women. (2 good online sources are Good Vibrations and Toys in Babeland) Explore that imagery and tap into your own beautiful, sexual self. Own yourself and your wonderfulness! Take whatever time you need to get there.

[Joceline]

I was just looking at my post-baby body in the mirror the other day while trying on old clothes. I kept wondering if I should keep the shirts that currently don't fit (still breastfeeding) or if I should get rid of them and admit defeat and clear some space in my closet.

Admittedly, this first (to term) pregnancy has not wreaked havoc on my body, but it is different. I don't want to obsess about getting back to a perfect weight and shape (and I think I've done a pretty good job for the last 7 months), but now I keep thinking "It's been 7 months. If I don't do something serious, is this the way it'll be forever? Or until the next pregnancy takes its toll as well?" I want to feel sexy for my husband and myself and I want to feel good about myself when he looks at me. I'm trying to figure out what can cause those two to occur. Just emotional work, or physical too?

[Charisse]

um yeah, me too! I was always skinny and athletic but washed out of pre-professional ballet at the beginning of high school because I don't have the needed bone structure in my feet. While I didn't get heavy, I did turn to anorexia for a while (mainly, I now think, because all my plans had been upset and I felt out of control)--I missed the sense of strength and competence in my body and hid from bathing suits, etc. until I found yoga just before I hit 30. When I got pregnant, I was in the best shape of my life and loving it--5 or 6 1 1/2 hour intensive asana practices a week, really pretty muscles...still pale and freckly but the muscles made up for it. Lots of harmless flirting at classes, plenty of hot fun at home. I loved my pregnant body too, and I treasure the naked photos of my 31-week self I had a friend take. I had a great birth experience, felt totally powerful...but post-partum body...well, damn. I lost the baby weight nursing but I'll never have that stomach back, and I'll probably be big in the hips forever. And I'm lucky if I get in a couple hours of yoga practice a week. I feel strong when I'm doing it (surprise myself often) but the rest of the time it's hard. I feel like no one would want to look at me, though objectively I don't look bad, just tired and imperfect.

Moxie, I know it's early, but I hope the next love in your life will be someone who is mad for your body as it is now. That helps a lot too. That little smirk and stealth butt-grab from the hubster reminds me that this guy (who's aging pretty well, I judge him way less harshly than myself) thinks I'm cute and I trust him so I believe it.

I'm with others that I didn't believe my mom when she told me I was beautiful--but I did believe my dad. That came along with a bunch of other things he admired about me, and I think it helped me a lot even in the bad times. It was genuine, and freely offered, and his attitude toward my body was always enormously positive in that he reinforced that it was *mine*--not his to protect/own or hand off to someone--and that he enjoyed seeing me grow stronger and more beautiful. This has been huge in my life.

With Mouse, I worry about body image of course, but I don't buy that there's harm in telling her she's beautiful. I think ideally I want her to internalize that she is, but that it's just a nice little thing--well worth enjoying, but not as important as the things you earn. And if she wants to dance, I hope to put her in a strong modern program that has more space for body types, rather than the tiny window of traditional ballet.

[Suki]

@Joceline - I think it's both emotional and physical. If you are self-loathing, feeling guilt in relation to food, or obsessing about your body, I think that's an emotional/psychological issue first, and a physical issue second. But a healthy perspective on the physical is fine, IMHO. I feel amazing about my body/sexually attractive/good libido etc when I am strong and healthy physically. For me that means a decent amount of intense/challenging yoga and core exercises and weights. Feels great, for mind and spirit and bod ;) I just get concerned when people talk about a certain "ideal" weight, or look, or whatever - that's not what it's all about, IMHO...

[Rosemary Grace]

I'm 28, and have not had children yet. I was "the fat one" all my childhood, and of course looking back at photos I realize I was taller and chunkier than average, but because of baby fat and lack of athletic inclinations, I was branded fat. At 16-18, and again at 19-20 I was in good shape (first time cycling a lot, second time swing dancing), relatively effortlessly, but never got a real chance to ENJOY my body and what it could do because of depression, and a conviction that I was "fat" (5'8" size US 12). Now I am in the process of realizing that I have been struggling with my weight and body image for approaching 20 years! That's pretty sad when I think back to 8-year-old me.

I had melanoma on my face a couple of years ago, and that has added a whole extra layer of mistrust of my body and self consciousness about my appearance. The surgery scars are faded, and they don't change the contours of my face, but for the past couple of weeks when I look in the mirror all I see is the scars.

[sheSaid]

I really wish I realized HOW much my body would never ever be the same again before I had my son.
Just so that I could have taken ONE night before it all changed and mourned the loss of that body, cherished it, enjoyed it, worshiped it and said goodbye.

Not that I am unhappy with how I am now, but that body is gone forever and will never come back. This new body is beautiful too, I am just still learning it, getting used to it.

In someways I am more fit, more healthy at least than I was before I got pregnant. My husband has always made me feel beautiful (literaly FEEL BEAUTIFUL) but it can be hard to always buy it. My mom has never liked her body, she hates her knees of all things, she obsesses about her weight (up 2 lbs!). I try so hard not to be like that (but right now I know I look great and am 13lb lighter than when i got pregnant... but want to loose just 5 more! ug!).

I have always found 'trouble spots' and always will. I will never ever ever have the stomach I would like, I will always be big in the shoulders. So I focus on what makes me feel strong and fit. Because strong and fit make me feel great, HOT, SEXY, and STRONG.

And my new mom's body is something I have been exploring in my photography. I have been taking alot of self-portraits, exploring the changes, the strengths... I don't share all of the pictures but at least I wont forget where I was, and I think it is helping me.