No other way to say it, so I'll just say it

Last Thursday would have been my 9-year wedding anniversary. Instead, we spent it in a mediator's office finishing up the terms of our settlement agreement for our divorce.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before now.

I told him I had to get out on November 26, 2006. It's been 17 months now, and who knows how much longer it will take. This has been the most stressful, grinding, liberating, joyful experience of my life.

I need to tell you two things:

1) You saved my life in the year before I told him. I was living only to care for my children, and feeling like I was worthless except as their mother. I was hanging on only because I didn't want to hurt them. There were mornings when I woke up and the only way I knew I wasn't just a complete waste of cells was that I could answer someone's question, or make someone feel better because their 4-month-old wasn't sleeping, or say "It sucks, doesn't it?" You guys being out there and thinking I was doing something valuable literally gave me an external reason to live, until I could wrap my head around leaving.

2) The worst part about this (since I'm already working through the guilt of having to rip apart my kids' lives) is that I couldn't say anything to you about it. I needed your support and advice. I didn't want to end up faking anymore, or make anyone think I had the perfect life, or even a normal life. But three lawyers warned me not to blog about it under any circumstances until the settlement agreement was signed. (Which it's not yet, but we're being outed, so I have to say something. And I'm tired of hiding it anyway.)

I wish I could tell you the story. I wish I could have had you with me this whole time.

One more thing:

If you've ever wondered if there's a God out there who cares about you at all, there is. And he'll rush in to help you and give you everything you need. But sometimes you have to stop pretending and just give up on your own pride before he can get into that little space and crack you open. And then everything starts to get good.

Comments

[Amie]

Moxie, you are such a strong woman. Blogging away, helping out all of us, and all this time you were in need in comfort yourself. Your words have been lifesaving for many of us. Your series on PPD helped me personally and I have recommended it to many other moms.

I am so grateful for you. And I am so glad that you were able to find comfort in helping others. There must have been times when you wondered why you were doing it, but you did it anyway.

Thank you for sticking with us all this time. I hope we can all do the same for you now that you are free to share your situation and ask for support if you need it.

[meggiemoo]

Just...

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[JB]

My husband and I came very close to divorce about seven years ago (almost entirely my fault.) The pain of that time is still with me even though we've healed. One thing that helped me, and continues to help me, was to remember that God makes all things new. Not patched-together, not sewn up neatly, not smoothed over, but new, redeemed, transformed.

You're in my prayers, and I thank you with all my heart for all you've done for me.

[AmyinMotown]

I am so sorry you've been outed, what a sucky thing for someone to do.

And on a positive note--I have sometimes wondered if we were a burden to you, with all the questions and crises. It's wonderful to know that in our way we helped you too.

What Charisse said.

[AmyInAustin]

Happy and sad for you, Moxie. Mostly happy tho, I think.
Thank you and everyone on here for helping me through crazy and over to happy. I'm sure this road doesn't ever end, but you and this community of people have really helped me get outside of myself and see the big picture, as well as the path in front of me. It's totally helped me. And not just as a parent. Thank you again. All of you.
And Moxie, you are the best parent for your child. Also you are awesome.

[Amy]

My Mom is going through her second divorce right now. As a grown woman whose parents divorced when I was a child, I can't pretend it was easy. But you know what? I wish my Mom had gone on to find more happiness than she found in her second marriage. Man this sounds like a downer comment!

I wanted to say I feel for you and I love your blog.

And I hope you find happiness and joy in your life. Even without a perfect marriage, children can learn from parents who live the life they need to be internally at peace and joyful.

You will get there.

I love the way you closed this post. Life just brings on that joy if we let it.

[Christi]

"I wish I could have had you with me this whole time."

You have.

You do.

Thank you so much for being who you are and bringing light and love to so many people. If we can pay the favor back in any way (as well as forward), I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we would love to.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. So glad to hear that good is happening in the midst of change.

[Joy]

Not sure I have anything to add that hasn't already been said. But I second (third, fourth) what was said about it being soooo much better having parents that are happy and seperate than unhappy and together. IRL I would bake you a loaf of my homemade bread, but in this case I guess I'll just have to send aromas wafting out over the internet. :) Big hugs and prayers for you.

[effective nancy]

Oh, Moxie.

It's terrible that circumstances forced you to keep this to yourself for so very long, and wonderful that you can now share the burden with your supportive and admiring community here. I'm glad that my 4-month-old's not-sleeping phase (which has been mostly resolved for the nights, at least) and my concomitant pleas/rants benefited you, at least, and kept you knowing that you Do Good in this world. And I'm so painfully sorry that your marriage is ending, but at the same time so glad that your boys have two loving parents.

You are doing and will continue to do the right thing by them, and you have my love and respect for your personal strength in dealing with this hardship. Now spread it around as you need to, so that we can all help make the next and the new happier than the past two years must have been.

[Joceline]

Moxie, I'm so sorry to hear this, and sorry that you've had to keep it such a secret for so long. That had to have been extremely stressful.

I'll be praying for a swift resolution that occurs as easily as possible and the easiest possible transition for you and the kids.

[kelli]

I'm sorry that you've had to keep this to yourself for so long. Hope things are getting better for you & your boys.

[ames]

Coming out of lurkdom to also offer my support and sympathies. Moxie, you have helped me in countless ways and I am so grateful for all your words of wisdom and encouragement!

God bless you - my prayers are with you.

[Courtney]

Hugs to you Moxie.

[Pronoia]

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you hoped, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself--and by extension your wonderful kids. Wishing you amazing things going forward.

[m]

I'm glad that you are now in a place that you feel you can share it with us. You've built such a beautiful community and I'm glad we can start to give back.

[Shelley]

Oh, my heart goes out to you all. I have confidence that you'll be able to help your boys through this with a lot of grace.

It's good to know we've been helping, even if we've not been helping directly. Your blog has given so much to so many.

Finally, I hope you have some great support in your face-to-face life and relationships, in addition to the hundreds of in-the-computer relationships. But it's clear you're GREAT at being a friend, and therefor I'm sure your friends are rallying around you.

[Nick]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Hang in there!

[Bobbi]

I'm so sorry we couldn't be there through all of this for you, the way you've been there for us. I'm glad you've found comfort in us in some small way.

Totally sucks. But it will get better. Been there. Your kids will have a rough go, but the 2 of you will find a way to make it easiest on them - you are good people. Hang in there...we're here if you need us.

[Rachel]

Moxie,

I am so sorry. You make a difference every day in the life of countless people but especially your boys. Thank you for the help you gave to me earlier this year and for the gracious, generous way you share yourself with so many.

‘May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.’

[Jojo]

It makes me so sad that while you have been listening to us all this time, and helping us through our tough times, we haven't been able to do the same for you.

{{{HUGS}}}

[neil]

***hug***

[Davida]

Moxie,

We were and are here for you. Thank you for being there for us while all this was happening in your life.

[mrsgryphon]

You are a strong, brave woman for making the best choice you could for yourself and your children.

[Jill in Atlanta]

sending love and support

[caramama]

Moxie, I am so sorry you are having to go through this very difficult time and experience. I wish you the best of luck in resolving the details as quickly and painlessly as possible.

You know we support you 100%. You have been there for all of us in a way that has meant so much to all your readers. You know we will be there for you and supporting you in any way you need.

Good luck!

[Liz]

I cannot believe that while you were suffering through your own personal hell you continued to provide us all with strength and guidance. You are an astounding, amazing person and your children are blessed to have you. Mazel tov on finally taking something back for yourself.

[Marian]

I have also been there. A divorce is life altering and a horrible, horrible thing to go through alone. For me, though, it was the best thing to ever happen. I started to really live afterward, in an honest and new way and to be happy with myself, by myself, for the first time in a long time. Then, when I wasn't looking, I met my wonderful husband and have a terrific little family. As we've said before, its gets better, but it can take time. Be good to yourself and just hang in there.

[midlife mommy]

Good advice -- it's always better not to blog about the legal things (ask Dr. Flea). Hugs to you and your family.

[Amanda]

Delurking to say, so sorry. And i hope this is the beginning of better things for you :-)

[Lisa]

Oh, Moxie - I'm so sorry. And so glad for you and your kids that you're in the moving-forward phase of things.

I wish we could help you as much as you have helped all of us here.

[Tessie]

I'm so sorry. And thanks for saying that last bit.

[Heather Ann]

I too am sorry that your marriage is over, but very happy that your life is better. I had wondered when the Phoenix went up on your blog - and you made some cryptic remarks around then. I had a relationship once that still marks my soul and while the end was painful (psychiatrist etc. painful) the life I have now could not have begun without that ending.

God does watch over us.

[kate]

Thinking of you.

[CJ]

Thinking of you today.

[Heather]

I am thinking of you.

In the wonderful words of Ani DiFranco, "one breath at a time is an acceptable plan".

[anne]

I don't usually comment, but just wanted you to know I'd be thinking and praying for you. You do make a difference in so many people's lives and I hope we can be an encouragement to you as well. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that...the loneliness is the worst and not having the ability to talk about something can make it much harder. Thoughts and prayers for you.

[Heather]

Figured out who outed you. My thoughts are with you all.

[Michelle]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope good things come to you from out of this painful experience.

[rudyinparis]

I will come back and read through all the other comments. Moxie, I came here late today (for me) and then sat with my mouth hanging open. All this time you've been here for us, fostering this community and meanwhile...

I've always been in awe of you and other bloggers who take the time out of their busy, busy lives to create an online community that offers so much to other people.

I am very happy to hear that you are moving toward a better space (I actually first typed "a better place" but that sounded like you were dying). We're all here for you! So much!

[chaser]

moxie, whenever you are ready and able to talk, we're listening. please let us help however we can. sending strength.

[Sandra]

So sorry, Moxie. Wishing you strength and courage, of which you have already demonstrated extraordinary amounts.

[stacy]

Divorce sucks. I'm so sorry.

BUT, living a life of lies sucks more. Way more.

You've told a thousand of us this in one way or another, and it's just as true for you: one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a happy mom. Whatever pain you and your kids encounter today will be paid back in joy, tenfold, in the long run. Because you have done the right-but-difficult-thing.

[Florabora]

Thanks for sharing this, and I wish you lots of good vibes and good luck with dealing with this new chapter of your life. We've all learned so much from your blog, and I know we all support you!

[Christine]

Oh Moxie, I'm so, so sorry. Your strength is amazing.

[Kim-Anh]

Moxie, you have been there for all of us through our own difficult times, helping us get through the day and to the next day after that. Now it's our turn to rally around you and to say, yes, this too will pass. Here's wishing you all the strength in the world to get through these difficult times.

[Mommy-O]

Moxie,

I am so sorry that you have been going through this but I admire your strength and courage to make such a difficult decision.

Both my husband and I have, not only divorced parents, but aunts, uncles and cousins who are divorced. What I know is that kids are happy when their parents are happy and healthy, together or apart.

Congratulations on your new life adventure. I wish you all the best.

[Colleen]

I read this blog every day. You're smart, insightful, sensitive and empowering. I'm sure you've helped countless parents (me included) when they were at their wits end. I'm sorry you didn't have our support earlier but you certainly have it now. Thank you for being there for us. We're definitely here for you.

[J]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You and the community you have built here saved me during the hardest time of my life (my child's first year), and you somehow did it with remarkable candor and aplomb during one of the hardest times of yours. I wish I could somehow reciprocate. All I can say is that your personal qualities that make Ask Moxie a success will see you through. You are a true friend to those in need and for that, I believe the universe will provide a peaceful resolution for you. Take care of yourself and know that so many people are sending you their thoughts and prayers for happiness.

[PC]

Moxie,

I am sorry you had to endure 17 months without the support of your online friends. Especially, when you provide so much support to others everyday.

Like parenting, you don't realize just how hard marriage is until you are in one. Contrary to what you are told, love doesn't always make everything okay.

You deserve a happy life and while the choices you make to get there may be hard, the end result will be worth it.

My parents are divorced and did so when I was young (4). Truly, I never knew any different and I suffered little trauma.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

[Kat]

Moxie - I was planning to email you today to thank you for being soooooooo wonderful. I was just thinking this morning that if it wasn't for you and this blog, I wouldn't have enjoyed my baby! I was so caught up in his sleep issues and feeling like a failure that I wasn't taking the time to really enjoy him. Once I found this nurturing environment and realized that he was going through a totally normal sleep regression and that 30 min naps are normal (and sucky), things are so much better.

I ache for you and I'm in awe that you are able to be so positive and supportive while you had your own problems building. I am also a child of divorce - and I am 100% certain that things would have been much worse if my parents had stayed together. I love them both but they didn't work well as a couple.