No other way to say it, so I'll just say it

Last Thursday would have been my 9-year wedding anniversary. Instead, we spent it in a mediator's office finishing up the terms of our settlement agreement for our divorce.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before now.

I told him I had to get out on November 26, 2006. It's been 17 months now, and who knows how much longer it will take. This has been the most stressful, grinding, liberating, joyful experience of my life.

I need to tell you two things:

1) You saved my life in the year before I told him. I was living only to care for my children, and feeling like I was worthless except as their mother. I was hanging on only because I didn't want to hurt them. There were mornings when I woke up and the only way I knew I wasn't just a complete waste of cells was that I could answer someone's question, or make someone feel better because their 4-month-old wasn't sleeping, or say "It sucks, doesn't it?" You guys being out there and thinking I was doing something valuable literally gave me an external reason to live, until I could wrap my head around leaving.

2) The worst part about this (since I'm already working through the guilt of having to rip apart my kids' lives) is that I couldn't say anything to you about it. I needed your support and advice. I didn't want to end up faking anymore, or make anyone think I had the perfect life, or even a normal life. But three lawyers warned me not to blog about it under any circumstances until the settlement agreement was signed. (Which it's not yet, but we're being outed, so I have to say something. And I'm tired of hiding it anyway.)

I wish I could tell you the story. I wish I could have had you with me this whole time.

One more thing:

If you've ever wondered if there's a God out there who cares about you at all, there is. And he'll rush in to help you and give you everything you need. But sometimes you have to stop pretending and just give up on your own pride before he can get into that little space and crack you open. And then everything starts to get good.

Comments

[Katy]

So sorry Moxie. I always think of you and this community you've founded as a place of such support and kindness. I hope we can return it to you a hundredfold.

[Mar]

I'm so sorry this has happened. Best of luck to you and your family.

[enu]

Purely amazing how you've kept it all together these many months. Hugs and vibes and everything that the process ends soon and well and you can get on with your lives.

Furious that someone has threatened to out you! Who are they? I'll punch 'em in the nose... punch 'em in the nose!

[hedra]

Having been through a number of divorces (3 where I was in the house, 2 tangential from non-custodial parent/step-parents), the time period when the parents du jour (sigh) were almost-realizing they needed to not be together anymore was way worse for my wellbeing than the time when they were deciding how to work the details, or the time after.

I'm sorry you couldn't blog about it, but I totally understand why you couldn't. And I'm glad that you had a reason to feel useful, important, and needed. Because you were, and you are.

I don't know if you have the kids in counseling, but I'm going to recommend it. Definitely before they're 10, and start to get to the 'silent/underground emotions' stage. Now isn't a bad idea, either. Even at 2 1/2, kids can really benefit. It gives them a safe place (that doesn't impact mom or dad) to be and feel and release the inevitable issues.

Best of luck in the process.

[cs white]

It really sucks that you've been dealing with this and double-sucks that you've had to keep it to yourself. Can we figure out a way to send you some retroactive support in addition to everything that will come pouring out now? :) Sending you wishes for peace, less guilt and brighter days!

[d]

You are not ripping the kids lives apart, you are simply showing them that happiness has to be worked on. A child of multiple divorces, I still feel its better to have happy seperated parents than the undercurrent of hostilities or disapointments that prevail in a marraige that doesnt work for whatever reasons. I know. Im taking years to get the courage up. I wish you well, and I wish we lived closer so my crazy loved up friends and I could help.

[sue]

I hope everything starts to get much better now that things are settling down. If anything, I'm now in more awe of you - there's no one more impressive to me than a single parent who manages to get through the day - and you manage to do so much more than that.

[Amy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've been a great source of support and I hope you get lots of love and support right now yourself.

[Robin]

I'm so sorry Moxie. Enjoy the deep breath that comes with finally releasing a secret. We're here for you! Hugs to you and your boys.

[moo]

While I'm so sorry to hear about the stress and pain you've been going through, I wanted to offer my CONGRATULATIONS on moving on with YOUR life; doing the best thing for YOU.

That is so hard to do in this world, and especially as a woman. Kudos!

[Lisa]

Moxie, I just want to say thank you for all you have done for mothers everywhere....this virtual community is made up of real folks who would do a lot of real things to make this easier on you. Can we send cash to offset lawyer expenses? Testify as character witnesses? Send food? (Is there some way to do this while still keeping your location private?)

[Arwen]

Oh, bless you. I'm thinking of and praying for you and your whole family.

[Tamar]

Moxie, I am so sorry. Now would be the perfect time to return the favor on saving my sanity at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks etc. etc. If only I could! All the best to you - I can only say that I know several people for whom the process you are going through was, in the end, extremely life-affirming and positive.

[Lee]

Hang tough.

Thinking of you.

[Katie]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[jessica]

Oh Moxie...HUGS!!!!

I'm local...we're work neighbors I think...midtown?? if you need some support let me know and I'm glad to be a listening ear for you.

Divorce sucks. Big time. I spent my first wedding anniversary filling out petitions in family court with a 1 month old baby strapped to me. It hurts a lot but you will get through this.

Just let me know if you need a friend who's been there to listen and support you. Hang in there, it takes time but you and the kids will be ok.

Oh also, let mek now if you need info on our really fabulous NYC single moms support group.

HUGS!!!
Jessica

[BrooklynGirl]

Thinking of you all.

[Amy A]

Reading your blog has been so helpful to me. I wish there was something I could do to help you and your kids. Best wishes!!

[Claudia]

You have been there for us, Moxie, so thanks!

Best of luck to you on the next chapter of your life.

[skg]

You are very brave. I can't tell you how much you have helped me over the last four and a half years. I read you most every day. It takes courage, what you are doing. You have helped so many. I hope our responses of thanks and encouragement provide some bolstering.

[cagey]

Oh, Moxie.... I am so very, very sorry to hear this sad news.

This site has "been there for me" these past 9 months while I have struggled with PPD. Therefore, I need to thank YOU for keeping this going while you had so much on your own plate. My thoughts are with you.

Peace.
Kelli

[mary]

Moxie,
Thank you for being here for all of us while you were going through such a rough time -- you are an amazing woman. God bless you and your family.

[Claire]

I'm so sorry to hear this, and just want to thank you for showing me such compassion about the MS diagnosis when you were going through your own trauma. I only hope I can be as wise of a mother as you are.

[Jen]

I'm so sorry. Much peace and love to you for the days to come.

[rby]

You had the strength to get outside yourself, to help so many others, during an excruciatingly difficult time in your own life. That's something to be so proud of.

[Kateri]

oh, moxie. i can't believe someone would out you. that's just shitty.

[Heather]

You have helped so many every day and all your readers are here for you now. I am sad that you have had to walk this path alone, but I am glad to hear that you know it's the right path and you are headed toward happiness.

Thank you for your words, which have helped heal so many mothers.

[Meira]

I'm thinking of you . . .

(And it sucks that someone outed you! WTH?)

[Liza]

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this at all, much less without your online support. I hope that it gets easier with time. And as hard as it may be, you and your kids will be ok.

[sheSaid]

you and the blog have been a light for me in dark times.... i hope we can be that for you.

so sorry and also congratulations because divorce is both of those (i recently helped my mom through one)

you rock!

[DC Ranger]

You are such a source of help and compassion for so many of us out here...you have saved my sanity on more than one occasion, and I hope we can all return the favor. Love and hugs to you during this tough time.

[pesce]

Gulp. Congratulations on making a move, on not settling for resignation, on being brave despite waves of guilt. It sounds like it's already liberating. My heart dropped when I read your post. The first time I've felt so touched by something happening to someone I know by blog only. Says a lot about the connections you've built here. Thanks.

[Janet]

So sorry to hear this moxie :( Good luck with everything. I can't imagine how hard this must be.

[Julie]

Moxie, I'm so glad for you that you are able to come clean finally.....it's been a long, hard, and silent road. I'm sorry that someone decided it was *their* news to share and didn't think about the consequences of their actions. Hopefully this will be yet another turning point in your journey, which will allow you to do what you do best - talk about the realities of life, marriage, parenthood, and the big messy struggle we are all going through to some extent.

Overall, I think congratulations are in order much more than condolences. You made your peace with this decision a long time ago. What an exciting, liberating chapter of your life you are beginning! I'm glad you were finally able to say something about it. As always, I'm here.

[LauraC]

Another lurker de-lurking to say my thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. You've helped so many and I'm glad this outlet has helped you find some peace in a crazy time.

[Amy]

Oh, Moxie, I am so sorry to hear this. Even when its the right thing to do, ending a relationship is still painful, and I assume even more so when there are children involved. I wish you and the boys nothing but peace during these next few months (and beyond).

[zoe]

Moxie, I've never posted before but feel compelled to today. I read your posts every day. You have been a beacon of light for me and I hold you in my heart.

[Emily]

Moxie,
It takes so much more guts to go through this and the hell that is divorce than it would to just stay and be unhappy ... congratulations for the strength you've had to use. I wish you many years of happiness ahead - they will come, though there will tough times before then.
xoxo

[Brooke]

Wow. That is so big and so hard. I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you.

My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. My mom was really good at being a divorced mom. I mean, I'm sure it was very hard for her, but she did so well by me. And it makes me so angry to see other divorced parents not doing right by their kids. I'm sure that this is not how you would have choosen to be a parent, but you will also do a good job in this role.

And you are so right that God does come in and give us what we need. As much as I have doubted that, I have also been shown how true it is.

If you ever find yourself in my (new) midwestern city, know you have someone to go out for coffee with.

[Cynthia]

I can't imagine how hiding this for so long felt. I'm glad you're finally able to, so you can get the peace from this blog that so many of us have received from you.

If you haven't done many posts on divorce with kids, I know I would appreciate a few.

[swissmiss]

I'm sorry you're going through this. And glad my maternal ineptitude gave you something to do ;-)

[Melissa]

I married into a big family. That is, my husband has two kids from two different women and now we have a little one of our own (and one of the women has another child with her current partner). I've been involved for 10 years and we all live within a couple miles of each other.

And because the adults acted like adults, and because they knew when they needed to pursue their own happiness (e.g. get out) instead of suffering for the sake of others, all the kids have grown up healthy and happy and loved.

Kudos to you for knowing when to quit and for seeking a healthier environment for your children.

Good luck Moxie!

[Katie]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the hardships you've experienced in the loss of your marriage, and also congratulations on getting through it and making the change that you need to be happy in your life. I'm glad that you find helping us to be so fulfilling and I hope you know how much it means to all of us as well. Thank you Moxie, you rock!

[Michelle]

You and the boys are in my thoughts and prayers...as someone who has found marriage a LOT harder once kids came into the picture I understand how you got here...

Hang in there - we all love you and wish we could give you some BIG hugs today!

[Sara]

Good luck and God speed!

[Lala]

I'm so sorry you had to suffer in blog silence. You have my utmost sympathies and support.

[Courtney]

Hugs Moxie, and congratulations on your brave choice. I am the adult child of divorced parents, and I can say that having parents in healthy relationships is WAY more important than having parents in a relationship with each other. And I'm sorry that you'rebeing "outed." Sort of makes me wonder how someone could be evil enough to air your personal business, but it takes all kinds.

[Kate]

Thank you for all you have done for this community and for me personally.

I'm sorry for the pain and isolation you've felt and hope that it feels better (if complicated) to get it out.

Congratulations for moving through and with an extraordinarily difficult decision and time.

Please don't hesitate to let me know if there's something I can do to help. I'm not local, but I'm a phonecall, email, or IM away.

[Laura]

I wish there was a way for us to reciprocate the support you've given us all these months. You're amazingly strong.

[Charisse]

Wow, Moxie, so sorry that you have to go through this. And thank you for sharing. I'm amazed by your strength to give so much of yourself at such a hard time. You're awesome, and all of us are right here (to borrow beautiful words from pnuts mama) holding you in our circle and nurturing you. You're the best.