No other way to say it, so I'll just say it

Last Thursday would have been my 9-year wedding anniversary. Instead, we spent it in a mediator's office finishing up the terms of our settlement agreement for our divorce.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before now.

I told him I had to get out on November 26, 2006. It's been 17 months now, and who knows how much longer it will take. This has been the most stressful, grinding, liberating, joyful experience of my life.

I need to tell you two things:

1) You saved my life in the year before I told him. I was living only to care for my children, and feeling like I was worthless except as their mother. I was hanging on only because I didn't want to hurt them. There were mornings when I woke up and the only way I knew I wasn't just a complete waste of cells was that I could answer someone's question, or make someone feel better because their 4-month-old wasn't sleeping, or say "It sucks, doesn't it?" You guys being out there and thinking I was doing something valuable literally gave me an external reason to live, until I could wrap my head around leaving.

2) The worst part about this (since I'm already working through the guilt of having to rip apart my kids' lives) is that I couldn't say anything to you about it. I needed your support and advice. I didn't want to end up faking anymore, or make anyone think I had the perfect life, or even a normal life. But three lawyers warned me not to blog about it under any circumstances until the settlement agreement was signed. (Which it's not yet, but we're being outed, so I have to say something. And I'm tired of hiding it anyway.)

I wish I could tell you the story. I wish I could have had you with me this whole time.

One more thing:

If you've ever wondered if there's a God out there who cares about you at all, there is. And he'll rush in to help you and give you everything you need. But sometimes you have to stop pretending and just give up on your own pride before he can get into that little space and crack you open. And then everything starts to get good.

Comments

[paola]

Thank you for sharing this with us Moxie. I have to admit, this is something I have sensed all along, and have never thought you were faking anything. Your situation just makes me admire you even more.

Oh, by the way, how many times, have you saved mine!!

[laury]

Good luck with your new life, Moxie.

[Katydid6]

No life-changing words of wisdom or insight here, I just wanted you to know that you are amazing, both as a mother and as source of wisdom and comfort to so many other mothers. God bless you and your family.

[Maria Wood]

Oh Moxie, I'm so sorry. All I can say is I know how it feels; I've been there (still there actually, just a little farther down the road, and with my own singular details).

You've saved so many of our lives so many times with your sane, compassionate voice of reason in the wilderness. It gives me hope to learn that you've done it in the midst of your own crucible. Maybe none of us are perfect? I'm ok doing the best I can??

Anyway, good luck with it; I'm so glad you sound like you're doing ok, and welcome to the Single Moms' Club. We're all here for you anytime you need us.

[liz]

Moxie, you have been a lifeline for so many of us. I'm so sorry - and it's tough - but i'm glad that "everything starts to get good."

[Trog]

Good luck Moxie and here's to it getting better and better...

[zenjen]

Thank you for sharing with us, Moxie. 17 months is a long time to keep this underground but I am glad it has come to the surface now. I hope we can support, nurture, encourage, or just cry or be frustrated with you from here on out...because you have done all that and more for me.

I'm divorced but not from my son's father. That process was the most exhausting and wonderful thing I had ever done. Just take care of yourself as best as you can, let others take care of you too and, please, get all that you deserve.

[shirky]

i'm sorry moxie. I remember the post--on your regular moxie blog--where you hinted at big personal change--and have thought of it occasionally and wondered how you were doing.
Corny though it may be I've found that nothing beats a good [meatspace] friend to lean on. So don't be shy about calling them, often.

[Slim]

Awww, Moxie. To quote you, "It sucks, doesn't it?" And also to quote you, everything [will start] to get good.

[Ann]

Just to say good luck from Belgium!
Let us know how we can help you!

[Ann]

Good luck from Belgium (you even save lifes across the ocean)!
Let us know how we can help you!

[Kate]

Moxie,

I am so sorry that you had to keep this to yourself for so long. I am glad to hear that you are at the point where things start to get good (or at least where you realize that they will).

We are with you now!

[MorahLaura]

"If you've ever wondered if there's a God out there who cares about you at all, there is. And he'll rush in to help you and give you everything you need. But sometimes you have to stop pretending and just give up on your own pride before he can get into that little space and crack you open. And then everything starts to get good."

This is SO true. I almost divorced my husband when my oldest was not quite a year old. It got very ugly. But then one day I broke down and begged God out loud to tell me what to do because I was at a complete loss. And things got better. We're still together, and that was the right answer *for us*. I wish you strength and blessings, Moxie, you are truly a gift from God.

[Shanna]

Welcome to your new life. Divorce is hell. The divorce lawyers don't like it either (at least, I don't), but it's better than the alternative - as you well know. I can only imagine your relief "coming clean" to us like this.

[Lori]

I'm terribly sorry, Moxie. It sounds like you really are doing the best thing for you and your boys. And that, I think, would be following your own advice.

I REALLY appreciate your blog. You make me feel like I'm doing a good job, despite all of my worries. Please keep it up.

[Suzie]

Moxie, I'm so sorry you've been going through all of this. All I can say is this: you've always been here for all of us, and now we're here for you. Serious hugs to you.

[Sarah]

I've been there as well. My previous marriage ended after a 10 year relationship. It's amazing what can happen in a year. What can heal and what can open up for you. For some reason that one year mark was always a turning point for me in any life-changing event.

You'll look back a year from now and wondered why you ever doubted that this change would be good.

I am sorry for the pain you're going through and also congratulate you on your liberation. You'll be a better everything to everyone when you love the place you are in life.

[zimbabweanjen]

I'm so sorry, Moxie, that you have been under this stress for so long...and yet you continue to be a source of strength for so many people. It's humbling that in the middle of so much personal strife, you have put out a post every day for rather lonely parents like myself to read (or should that be "devour"?)Thank you so much for the time you devote to us all. I wish you every success in your new life. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Your final comment really touched me as well. Have I said thank you yet?!

[Lisa F.]

oh, Moxie, I'm so sorry, esp that you had to keep it in for so long. I hope it feels better to have shared it. holding you all in my thoughts.

[Kisha]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you know you're doing the right thing, though, so best wishes moving forward with life. :)

[Rayne of Terror]

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. But good luck with everything. You have been a blessing for so many. You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard, "Moxie says" here in central Illinois.

[Blythe]

I, too, wondered when I read your post a while back about making changes. You've been in my thoughts since then, and will continue to be there. Here's to a new chapter.
(And I'm really sorry you are being outed on someone else's terms.)

[eta]

Moxie--Best of luck to you all. I'm a kid of divorced parents, and much as I love and respect them both, we are all much better for them living their lives separately. Sure, we had hard moments, but who doesn't? I believe doing well by yourself will do well by your kids, too, in the long run. Thanks for all your help and advice.

[heather]

So sorry to hear, Moxie. Sending hugs your way...

[vanessa]

I'm so sorry. Good luck.

[michaela]

Oh, Moxie, I'm so sorry for you and your family. Kudos to you for doing what's best in the big picture. And, like PPs have said, I'm astonished that you've managed to keep this amazing community together (and growing!) in the midst of such significant personal turmoil.

Hugs to you, and good luck.

[Nichole]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling, and for so long. You're in my prayers.

[Sarah]

Oh Moxie, I'm so sorry. Not telling must have made it feel like a bigger burden than just the divorce drama in and of itself. Good luck. And we'll be rooting for you and listening and hopefully offering up a few laughs.

[michaela]

Oh, Moxie -- so sorry you've had to hold this in, and that you're being outed against your will. But kudos to you for having the courage to make a huge change -- you're amazing. Hang in there!!

[pumpkinmama]

Best of wishes to you always - I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and the kids. If your posts here are any indication, I think they have the right mom to help them through it though. Your advice to us is always sound, so trust your instincts and you'll all get through ok.

[Lisa @ Corporate Babysitter]

My thoughts are with you!

[AmericanFamily]

Oh, I am so sorry. It must have been horrible to have to keep this to yourself. I am glad things are beginning to look up.

I am also very curious about who the jerk is who is "outing" you. Because seriously, people should mind their own business.

[Erin]

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult change in your life and the life of your boys now, but I'm sure that you've made the best decision for everyone who is involved. I know that you'll be a wonderful support to your kids as you all try to figure out how life is different now.

[Reese]

Oh Moxie, I'm so sorry. I haev a two year old girl and my divorce was final on February 18th of this year. Like you, I found it liberating and wonderful and, like you, I had to work through the guilt of changing her life so drastically. I had told my ex that I was moving forward with the divorce in September 07. God is good and helped me through these past seven months and I'm happier now than I had even thought was possible. If you want to talk, I'm here. I'll be praying for you.

[Laura]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry and I hope that this works out for the best for all of you.

[Leah]

Keeping you in my prayers...

[Allison]

Just (hugs)

[Sarah Lena]

I don't even know the words to say, but I'm sending lots of hugs your way. I'm proud of you, unknown virtual blogger. But, seriously.. PROUD.

[Sandra]

Delurking after almost two years of lurking and you (and your readers) having helped me so much more than I can ever say. I just wanted to say I'm sorry and wishing you and your family all the best. You are amazing !
(English is not my main language so please excuse any mistakes)

[andrea]

So sorry, Moxie. What a long, drawn-out process. I'm thinking of you.

[hush]

Big hugs to you, Moxie. You're not alone.

One of the best things about your blog is that it makes us realize that we are - for the most part anyway - absolutely "normal," warts and all, and that perfection soooo does not exist, especially in like 99% of marriages once kids come along (and the other 1% are lying or something!)

My marriage is falling apart right now. Not that this is any consolation for your pain, which I know is real.

Funny thing though - I came into work after a horrible morning with my husband, and an even more volatile evening last night, and I turned on my computer looking for a sign. And there was your post today. Not sure what to make of that, but God sure works in mysterious ways.

[jbq+h]

Best of luck--I'll be thinking of you and your little ones.

[erika]

Oh, I'm so sorry. You and this wonderful site helped me through some very tough times. I recommend your site to every new parent because your advice is so down-to-earth and fantastic. When I thought I was failing as a mother, you lifted me up and helped me through. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs.

[S]

God Bless.

[Ann]

I've been reading both your blogs for what feels like forever, but have never commented. This site has given me so much support and practical advice and insight into being a better mother and a better human being, it seems insufficient just to say thank you. But, like so many others, I feel like I know you, and today I wish we could help you. I'm sure you've made the right decision, and I hope your life continues to move in more joyful, fulfilling direction. Good luck, Moxie.

[april]

I'm sorry to hear that Moxie.Hang in there,I know you will be fine.Take care sweetie :)

[rowan+keaton+mama]

Although it must have been excruciating for you to not share such a massive pain, you did what you had to do and (no doubt) came out stronger. I'll be thinking of you and your boys as you become who you were meant to be.

[ML]

Dear Moxie,
I'm so sorry about your divorce (although, like Paola, I sensed something too). I don't comment often, but I really appreciate your wisdom and this community of intelligent and supportive women as I raise my 15-month-old son geographically far from friends and family.

When I was a child, the sound of my parents fighting or not getting along gave me so much anxiety, I had chronic headaches, cried (softly) myself to sleep and often wished they'd just get divorced already. (Which they didn't because financially and emotionally, they needed to keep the family together to survive, plus there's a stigma to divorce in our culture.) When they finally did get divorced when I was 18, it was scary because there was an event that so humiliated my mother that caused her to temporarily go off the deep end. Over 15 years later, they speak to each other often on the phone, but live in different cities. It was difficult for a long time, but I think they're better off without each other on a daily basis.

I'm wishing you and your family well during this hard time.

[Cecily T]

Wow...I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this, and sorry too that you couldn't tell us all about it the way we come to you with our woes. Hugs and good wishes to all of you.

[hydrogeek]

I'm so sorry you've been having to go through this alone. I've been there, and you're right, it all starts to get better now. Best wishes moving forward.