Book Review: Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms

It's really hard to review a book that's a compilation of other people's secrets. Because it's not the authors who are writing the book, they're just organizing the things they've heard, so it's really about the organization. And unless you have a real gimmick like the Post Secret blog and books, people reading it are going to think some of the secrets are so normal as to be boring (wait, that's a secret? I thought everyone did that!) or so much of an outlier as to be sad or scandalous (how could anyone feel that way??).

And how do you review other people's confessions? You can't. Instead, I thought I'd post two of the secrets from Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms that I thought were things everyone did, and see what you guys think.

From the "Dirty Little Secrets" chapter:

I love my kids but I didn't always. It took time to fall in love with them.

Me, too, although the second one I fell in love with faster, probably because I wasn't as shell-shocked the second time. I can only assume it took you guys a long time, too, since it did every mom in my playgroup.

And from the "Even Dirtier Little Secrets" chapter:

I tell my husband I'm going to go potty but actually lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the edge of the tub, and read People.

I actually feel sorry for the woman who "confessed"this one, for two reasons. 1) Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet is way more comfortable for magazine-reading than the edge of the tub is, and 2) everyone does this! Don't they? Where else can you get a little peace and quiet for a couple of minutes on a weekend but in the bathroom, and when else are you going to catch up on Brangelina's pregnancy and which celebrity is on which diet? The only sad thing is that most of us don't have wireless in the bathroom to be able to read Go Fug Yourself in peace.

What do you guys think about those secrets? I feel bad that these women have been hiding this stuff that to me is so excruciatingly normal.

Comments

[Suzanne]

A few years ago I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone (she was hiding out in the bathroom) and I heard one of her then 4 year old twins say "where are you?" and she said "in the bathroom" and then her daughter said "do you need privacy?" and my friend said "yes" and then there was a long pause and I heard a little voice say "are you pooping?"

[michaela]

@Cloud, I had the exact same justification for the Kyoto Naps - on top of which, I got GREAT gas mileage on those trips!!

It has never occurred to me to hide in the bathroom and read... largely because we're potty training and anything that happens in the bathroom is the toddler equivalent of Must See TV.

My secrets... hmmm... I'm also of the blurting-out-the-bad-stuff school so there's not a ton I keep secret, other than my complete conviction that the other little kids on our block who are the girl's age are basically homely, while my kid is beeee-yooo-tee-full (and of course brilliant , too). (It is taking every ounce of my willpower to hit 'post' rather than delete right now....)

[onehappycow]

hedra - I'd like to see the Montessori thing as well - onehappycow at gmail dot com. Thanks!

[Maria Wood]

Are you guys kidding me? My daughter ONLY napped in the car for like 2 years! Am I supposed to feel guilty about that? I suppose so, I felt guilty about the gas, guilty about being the kind of incompetent mother who couldn't get her child to nap at home, or on a schedule, and about having a lifestyle that involved having her in the car several times a day.

Now I feel guilty about not enforcing naps at all anymore.

I loved her from the moment I saw her, felt I had known her all along, all that sunshiny rainbows stuff. But I am absolutely sure that it doesn't have to work like that and that fantastic mothers and wonderful parent-child relationships develop in many ways.

I also feel guilty about having figured out ways to incorporate reading or websurfing into nearly every facet of our days: in the bathroom, while cooking, running back into the house 'just for a sec', going back downstairs 'just for a sec' in the middle of bedtime… including right now, as a matter of fact, when I'm supposed to be starting the bath. It's a problem, I feel like I have ADD and I'm rarely fully present.

Also, I am a go fug yourself devotee.

[onehappycow]

I am cracking up because I am too a big ole card carrying loudmouth regarding anything personal in my life. I just never felt the need to keep anything sacred I guess:)

I also let her put things in her mouth too and am a Kyoto napper (during sleep regressions) and a HUGE fan of independent play - when else do I get internet time?

[onehappycow]

Former Go Fug Yourself devotee. Moxie has replaced it for now (until I get more time!).

[mel]

Oh man, Go Fug Yourself and Post Secret AND Moxie are my top 3 things on my igoogle page...

DD has a stack of books already piled up in the bathroom. I was more than a little embarrassed to find out that she asked for a book when on the potty at daycare. Apparently none of the other kids do that.

[Meegan]

Ditto and same. I TOTALLY lie about going to the potty. And if I really do have to go, I extend the time spent in there by at least double.

I only have one child and I took me quite a while to fall madly in love with her. I cared about her well being. I wanted to be a good mother. I felt some love toward her, but it was several weeks before I really, really loved her. I'm pregnant with my 2nd and it's a boy. I'm curious whether or not this time will be different. But I'm MUCH more relaxed about it. I was so concerned that I wouldn't bond with #1 and that was such a non-issue. I don't have that same anxiety this time around.

[Julie]

The only reading I do in the bathroom is when I peruse my husbands weekly home listings magazine to find a house where I can live. Alone. Not all the time, but as an escape from my daily life as wife, mom, teacher, daugher, sister, and friend. Of course it is all fantasy, but man, is it fun!

I think I agree with Charisse that it's kind of sad that publishers would exploit moms insecurities for profit. I think I'm pretty honest with my close friends about all our different "dirty little parenting secrets" and to be honest, I haven't heard anything that made me think "Gee....that's f-ed up." because I think mothers appreciate how very difficult this job is and all ideals and standards get thrown out the window in the name of Just Getting Through The Day.

I'm more interested in hearing what name pnuts mama wants that her husband does not. Now THATS a secret worth hearing!

[Julie]

Oh and one other thing about the baby names......we have agreed in our house that we decide together (read: I have the final say, really, but he has to somewhat agree with it) what we name our children, but my husband can name the dogs anything he wants.

Here is another little dirty secret though: No more dogs.

shhh.

[gansgirl]

I'd like to hear the new pnuts name possibility too!

I sort of had "naming rights" with our second baby, because we'd used a family name from my husband's side with our first son and I earned them with a successful VBAC... (Use whatever leverage you can, mama!)

I had several reasons, including a lovely, gentle boy by this name who helped me survive my college math courses, and an homage to my favorite aunt by way of her family's heritage. But above that, I'd just thought for a long time that I'd have a son with this name.

My husband thought my thinking about that was weird, but even more weird for him was the fact that the natural nickname for this name was the name of his childhood beagle, along with being a well-known not-so-smart cartoon character... Anyway, we went with it (with my dad's pretty plain, family legacy name as a middle name backup).

Now, my husband says that he loves the name. Couldn't imagine this goofy, adventurous, fearless 13-month-old with any other.

Definitely state your case for the name, pnuts mama, especially if it's one that you've been dreaming your whole life about!

[Maria Wood]

Julie, you cracked me up.

[rowan+keaton+mama]

Was so scared I wouldn't love #1 when I was pregnant. My whole life I wanted 3 boys and was so sure I had done enough to deserve them (logical thinking, right?) so when we found out she was a girl I panicked and thought for sure we wouldn't bond because she would KNOW I wanted a boy. After a hard labor they placed her on my chest and the love came pouring over me. I made the mistake of assuming this would just happen the second time. Nope. I got my boy but as they lifted him out (an easier pushing stage at least) my first thought was "who is this person". If I hadn't seen him come out I would have doubted he was mine. It was the weirdest feeling. Four months down the line and I'm exploding with love for him (getting over the colic helped) and he's most definitely my son.

Boys names were way harder for us. My daughter's name was a done deal five months in utero. I called my husband on my lunch break and told him I just saw this street name and I've decided to name our daughter it." Fine with him. We battled on boys names and after several lists and complicated rating systems we were so exhausted that he gave in. I knew he'd give in eventually but it did take longer than I thought. (It also helped that I picked a name he was neutral about).Good luck!!

[Margie]

Loved my kids from the start, so yeah, while I've read all the above confessions to the contrary, it still seems so foreign. My labors were natural, normal, un-drugged, easy. I was the oldest child in my family, and was doing lots of mommy-ish things at age 13 after baby sister was born, so the "what do I do with this screaming thing" never did apply. Sure my babies cried and had those "colicky" bouts, but we knew that it was "normal" for some kids at some point in the day. *shrug*

As for the reading in the bathroom or locking yourself in there, I was raised in a home with only one bathroom. One bathroom per household seemed to be the norm in most households back then. And while I knew of adults that did sat in there and read, I just couldn't understand why someone would be so selfish, when there were others outside the bathroom waiting to use it! To intentionally hog the bathroom when you don't even have to go is the epitoime of rudeness. Besides, I'm one of those folks who doesn't have to sit and wait for the poop to find it's way. There isn't even time to read a knock-knock joke. When I gotta go, I gotta go. So the concept of needing time in there to "go," and thus reading to pass that time, is bizarro-world to me, too. At least I now know that *I'm* the weird one for having bowels that are speedy.

I get that people need privacy sometimes. I don't get why people feel like they need to sneak around and pretend to be doing something else to get it. Unless there's some kind of vicarious thrill involved, maybe.

There must be plenty of things I do that others con

[hedra]

onehappycow, I thought I'd already sent it. If it doesn't come through, let me know - it's big. Might be maxing out somewhere.

[hedra]

@charisse, we ran our names list past a friend who is a grade school teacher. Same concept. There was one I thought might be a problem, but she said the tease form that would come up wouldn't be thought of until after the big teasing ages passed (at least for playground teasing). We didn't end up using that one anyway, but it was interesting to know that there were ranges of intensity of name teasing.

(Oh, and I'm also curious about the name, but I get why people don't announce that stuff. Nothing like loving a name and then having someone you like go 'um, ew!' - kind of stinks up the good feeling. My mom did that with B's name, but ... well, it was his name. No question. She later admitted it suits him perfectly. NYAH. But I still didn't like hearing the reaction.)

[pnuts mama]

oh, the name i want happens to be one the oldest and most common names in history- think many US presidents, etc. i want to name him this but call him by the nickname that (unfortunately) is seriously en vogue right now...and only call him by the nickname, not the formal one. our daughter also happens to have a fairly popular name right now, which we didn't realize til we looked into it's meaning and saw it was in the top 20- ergh.

my husband is ok with naming him the nickname- but as his formal name- my problem with that is i like the idea of having a more formal name to fall back on or choose as he goes through his life- for professional reasons, personal reasons, whatever. my husband and i both have first names that we have numerous choices for a nickname, and we've been able to choose what we introduce ourselves as as we've grown- no coincidence we've both left the ones used by our families when we were little loooong behind. i want my kid to have that as his choice, too.

my husband says he hates the formal version of the name. my compromise is, then don't use it! ever! and i won't either! we'll have to figure out a way to get past this. i'm thinking of offering his first name as a middle name. or julie's suggestion of pet naming rights. although, we totally were on board with our cats names from the get-go, too. hmm...also female. wth?

has anyone has someone suggest they name their child after that someone? we've had that, and i nearly LMAO at their presumption. i was like, really?? wow...

[paola]

@pnuts mama

Have you read/seen 'the namesake'by Jhumpa Lahiri? It's all about a formal name/nick name preference and the affect it has on the kid. Didn't like the film, the book was ok. YOu might want to flick thru before you decide.

My kids both have extremely common names in Australia, but unusual names here in Italy and are bound to be ridiculed for their parent's choice, but at least they are pronounceable. I have a very common Italian name, which was unusual when I was growing up in Australia and highly unpronounceable, and I'm still suffering the effects of people (including my brother!!) pronouncing it 'polar' as in polar bear. Urgh!

[Susannah]

@ hedra, if your computer isn't smoking yet... I'd ;love a copy of the montessori document: doctorsuze at gmail dot com.

My dirty secret- I keep my crackberry-I mean blackberry in my pocket and sneak looks at it when B is looking the other way. I feel guilty for not being fully present with B sometimes. He's figured out it is an Object of Power and wants to play with it whenever he sees it.

Bonded with B in utero, magically, unexpectedly, a bit like Hedra described, but I got horrible cold feet anyway, pre- and post birth. Hasn't happened in a while though (he's 15 months).

[songbird]

a bit off topic, but "the namesake" isn't about formal names vs. nicknames. It's about growing up with a split identity (parents are from India, kid is growing up in the US). It hits on all the split identity issues spot on, and is a brilliant book.

or perhaps I'm identifying a bit much. :) Regardless, the nickname vs. formal name thing is a side issue, at best.

[Anon]

Here is my secret...

I lie to the pediatrician-not about big things that could need treatment or evaluation, but subjective things.

Q. Does he sleep through the night? A. Most of the time. (If your definition of most of the time is he did sleep 6 hours straight once when he was 5 months old)

Sigh-really, you get alone time in the bathroom? I am in the position of other posters, the cats run in when I am in the bathroom..

[Lisa]

@Mel, my kid reads on the potty, too. And at meals. And during storytime at the library. That's my boy! (Apparently I was found in a corner with a book at my 3rd birthday party, so, OK, I'm not the most impartial judge of the desirability of such a habit, but anyway...)

@Anon: I lie to the pediatrician, and the dentist - at least by omission. Is he still nursing at bedtime? "We're planning to tackle that once these last molars come in." (Well, she didn't ask about the *other* 3 times a night.)

other "secrets"?

When I'm away from my kid, I eat stuff I don't want him to eat, mostly because I just don't have the energy for those kind of negotiations.

And yet I use the promise of a trip to the coffee shop (madelines!) to get him out of the house when I've got cabin fever but he doesn't want to go out.

I worry that if we had another child we wouldn't come up with a name that was as interesting or suitable as that of our first, and the second would feel slighted.

[paola]

@songbird

Yeah I know I over-oversimplified. Thought it related a bit to pnut's mama's situation. Didn't want to review the book or anything.

[Maria]

I remember my mom telling me she used to read on the toilet when she was little - it was the only quiet place in the house, what with having 12 siblings...

Hedra, if you're still comfortable sending the Montessorri presentation out to so many people: me too, me too!
(maria.dutchphd at gmail.com)

[Tor]

Hedra, me too please with the Montessori Home thing! (victoria at c-c-p dot com dot au) thanks

pnutsmama, we also did the "long formal name but only use a modern short version (and not the usual short version)" thing for our son (I don't know if it is the same name, I am not up on US presidents). I thought it was the best of both worlds - long & traditional, plus short and funky, plus he can pick his own short version later too. Both hubby and I have similarly versatile names too (and also don't use the nickname our parents picked, although they still use them) so couldn't imagine not doing the same.

[anon]

@Lisa-I lie about breastfeeding too (he is only 15 months-why do I feel the need to lie about it), oh and the cosleeping lie.

I have to say though, I don't really feel bad about it.

[Lisa]

Yeah, I don't feel bad about any of those sleep/nursing "lies." It's just that sometimes I don't want to have that conversation again. :-}

[Brandi]

Thanks for this post. I'm due to give birth to my first child some time during the next 30 days and had been somewhat concerned how hubby and I were going to cope/adjust to having a little person in our life whom we can't just hand back to his/her parents when we're tired. Knowing that other women/parents have the same thoughts is very reassuring. Now I won't worry whenever I need to go into hiding in the house just to get a short break from everything.

[Julie]

I lie about the bottle. THERE! I said it. And yes, he's 2 1/2. Still drinks his milk from a bottle. And you know what? I haven't even really tried to get him off.

I spend a lot of our weekend time together reading my own books while he's playing in the room with me. I thought that was normal.

[anon2protect-the-guilty]

I'm late to the dance on this topic - eek!!

@Charisse - love love love "The Baby Name Wizard" book & blog. So glad you gave it a mention!

I have a baaaadd secret & it's about baby names. My secret is I totally cheated my husband into giving our son the name I really wanted for him.

As the end of pregnancy approached, we didn't know the sex of the baby. Boy names were tougher for us, so we didn't have a boy name finalized by the time the big day arrived. Sure enough, we had a beautiful, bouncing baby boy, and to me, he just completely looked like the name I wanted for him. But hubby was still not sold on the name...

So while we were in the hospital, I suggested we put into a hat each of the 4 boy names we had narrowed it down to, and hubby would draw the name.

Lo & behold, he drew the name I had wanted, and our son got the name I chose for him. Several months later, hubby says how much he loves our son's name and is glad "fate" delivered such a perfect name. Little does he know that every single name I put into the hat was the name I had wanted.

Me so evil!! But no regrets... yet

[hedra]

I think I caught everyone. If not, let me know...

It is a bit daunting sending out essentially a draft that wasn't going to ever be published officially to sixty million (+/- almost 60 million) people. Eek!

[Frema]

The first secret doesn't apply to me--I was lucky enough to fall in love with my daughter the first time I saw her--but I get the majority of my reading done in the family library, also known as The John.

[Sherry]

I'm chiming in too late, but wanted to play. It took me a few months to fall in love. I'll never forget sobbing, "I don't know if I'll ever love her enough!" And for the flip side, my biggest secret right now is the one I keep from my husband -- I don't want to do anything with my non-work time except spend time with my girl (now almost one). I don't want to go to movies, go bike riding, anything that takes me away from her. That's not a good recipe for a great marriage, I'm quite sure.

[Kimberly C]

I lie about breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Pretty much with everyone that asks, at least if they prove judgmental.

I didn't love my daughter when she was born. She looked like a newborn with hair- and a total stranger. And she was HUGE- she looked like a 3 month old, with all of the birthing squishiness to her- mashed face, all red, pretty funny.

By the time I came off of maternity leave I didn't want to leave her.