Book Review: Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms

It's really hard to review a book that's a compilation of other people's secrets. Because it's not the authors who are writing the book, they're just organizing the things they've heard, so it's really about the organization. And unless you have a real gimmick like the Post Secret blog and books, people reading it are going to think some of the secrets are so normal as to be boring (wait, that's a secret? I thought everyone did that!) or so much of an outlier as to be sad or scandalous (how could anyone feel that way??).

And how do you review other people's confessions? You can't. Instead, I thought I'd post two of the secrets from Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms that I thought were things everyone did, and see what you guys think.

From the "Dirty Little Secrets" chapter:

I love my kids but I didn't always. It took time to fall in love with them.

Me, too, although the second one I fell in love with faster, probably because I wasn't as shell-shocked the second time. I can only assume it took you guys a long time, too, since it did every mom in my playgroup.

And from the "Even Dirtier Little Secrets" chapter:

I tell my husband I'm going to go potty but actually lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the edge of the tub, and read People.

I actually feel sorry for the woman who "confessed"this one, for two reasons. 1) Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet is way more comfortable for magazine-reading than the edge of the tub is, and 2) everyone does this! Don't they? Where else can you get a little peace and quiet for a couple of minutes on a weekend but in the bathroom, and when else are you going to catch up on Brangelina's pregnancy and which celebrity is on which diet? The only sad thing is that most of us don't have wireless in the bathroom to be able to read Go Fug Yourself in peace.

What do you guys think about those secrets? I feel bad that these women have been hiding this stuff that to me is so excruciatingly normal.

Comments

[claire]

I know everyone probably has secrets but these are the kinds of things you actually can tell people. (Like the one about reading magazines in the bathroom). It reminds me of when my husband and I saw Knocked Up and one of the male characters doesn't tell his wife where he's going (which was actually fantasy baseball) and she got all mad, etc. We both agreed that if partners actually shared these things, it might actually make the relationship better. But then again, maybe by not telling your partner, you get greater satisfaction by whatever it is you are doing.

[Bobbi]

The first one, I can't relate to. I loved them before they got here and then loved them with everything in my the second I saw them outside of me. But that is just my experience...

But doesn't EVERYONE sneak off to the bathroom? I swear, sometimes it's the second my husband walks through the door..."gotta poop!!" and I run away for 20 minutes...

[Aaron]

I totally lock myself in the bathroom under the guise that I need to go potty just to get a few minutes to myself. Usually I'm doing a crossword puzzle though. During the week I don't ever get to go to the bathroom alone so I have to take my time on the weekends!

I think "we" feel guilty about taking time for ourselves. Not sure where that comes from, but I know I have a hard time telling my husband that I need time for me. I feel bad b/c when he's at work it's not like he's socializing, but he does get adult conversation and some freedoms that I don't get at home with N (9 3/4 months).

I just recently started doing Yoga with some friends of a friend and they invited me to join their Thursday night Grey's Anatomy/girls evening. Best thing that has happened to me since N was born (socially that is) and I don't have to feel guilty about it b/c DH encouraged me to go.

Sorry for the rant, but that is why I think those things qualify as dirty little secrets, b/c we feel guilty about them for some silly reason.

As for the first one, I actually can't relate to as I loved N before she was even born and then it just poured from me when she was placed on my chest. I had an "easy" labour that actually went "as planned" so that may have helped.

[anonforthis]

Does it make it worse if you lock yourself in the bathroom and read your husband's Playboy? I devour them. And my husband knows exactly what I'm doing and encourages it because it actually has improved our sex life.

[moo]

I often found myself feeling horribly guilty when my son would wake up at 4:30 am and I would turn on the TV to entertain him while I slept on the couch. Our home was baby-proofed and I was confident he could not hurt himself ... but what a terrible mother I was to let the TV babysit my child, just so I could selfishly sleep a little longer!

It took a long time for me to realize that if I wasn't taking care of myself, I couldn't be a good mother.

I think that might be where some of these women's "confessions" are coming from ... that shame of doing something for themselves, rather than putting their families first (which goes against our culture's expectations of the motherhood martyr syndrome and even part of our nature).

[SarcastiCarrie]

Wait. WAit. WAIT. You get PRIVACY in the bathroom. OK, then I guess this is my dirty little secret...everyone (including the cat) comes in and watches me pee. I am so beyond stage fright, it's not even funny. One day I *gasp* locked the door, and there were all kinds of people banging on the door and scratching at it that I couldn't relax and, ahem, perform, so I had to let them in.

This is no secret...the whole world knows: my child wears pajamas to school (because really, I choose my battles). So what if he's the only kid in the class photo (in MAY) in Halloween jammies.

Oh, and for 4 months of his life, I drove him for 6 minutes every day to get him to fall asleep for nap (and then transferred him to his crib...later we just sat in the car in the garage without turning it on and he fell asleep). My name is SarcastiCarrie and I wasted gas.

[Michelle]

LOL! That is funny about the Playboy reading.

Seriously, neither of these secrets apply to me- I get about 43 seconds in the bathroom. BUT, I admit it is my own fault and so now maybe I will start claiming I have to go to the bathroom several times a day. :)

I'm with Moxie, though. That these things pass for secrets is somewhat pathetic. I WISH sneaking off to the bathroom was my biggest secret!

[hedra]

The potty thing... hey, the KIDS do that, at our house. No need to lie about it, or even fake it (they just grab a comic book, and would stay there for an hour, if I didn't make them get up before they lost circulation in their legs and caused themselves a permanent injury to their innards...).

I call that 'modeling' (heh). That's what the stack of magazines in the bathroom is FOR, people! (though I also often have company).

Is it bad that one of the ways I was trying to encourage R to potty train was by sitting with her and holding the catalog of toys/flowers/clothes for her to look through while she sat?

As for loving them - I loved their souls before they were born. No question (okay, except M, who I hadn't met that way before). BUT, loving them in physical form? Bonding takes me 6-8 weeks. No instant-love here. At least it didn't bother me the second time, I just assumed it would 'take' eventually.

[Jac]

Ha! The bathroom reading secret cracked me up because I've been doing that so often that my husband asked me if everything is okay - maybe I need to see a doctor?? I just told him I recently upped my fiber. I don't know why I can't tell him that I am going upstairs to read....I'm actually a believer that little white lies keep marriages fresh and interesting :)

My bad mommy secret? I let my son put everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) in his mouth. If it's not posionous, and has no chokable bits I let him have at 'er. Flip flops, dirty laundery, the front door mat... I just got tired chasing him around pulling things out of his mouth. One good result, he's a very un-picky eater. He's almost 8 months and I haven't found a food yet he turns his nose up to. He shovels every kind of food in his mouth with both hands.

[pnuts mama]

hahaha, sarcasticarrie- same here, even down to the cats...

i loved the pnut in the womb but took a while to love as a personality when she came. maybe it was that it took me a while to like her as much as i do now.

my secret confession is that i *do* have wireless all over the house, even the bathroom. and i use it.

[Cathy]

Men read in the bathroom all the time! I think they even do that at work! Why in heck should women feel guilty about it? Although DH does it at home, the bathroom doors don't lock and we feel free to interrupt him.

I have to say that one of my favorite things about going back to work when my "oldest" (not counting my step-son) was 20 months? I got to go to the bathroom by myself! It wasn't just encouraged, it was expected!

My experience with the love at first sight with my daughters was that the first one, I was pretty much stunned, but by the time it was just me and her that night, it was big love. With the second, it grew gradually and now at 4 months it's big love (and I can't really tell you if there was a specific turning the corner moment). But it was a little scary to me that it wasn't big right away.

[jessica]

I think its normal too.

My daughter is 2 1/2 and I'm still shell-shocked that I even had a baby.

[bim]

Ha. I'm with pnuts mama - wireless in the whole apartment and my new iTouch hides VERY nicely in my pocket, thank you very much. So I have this blog in my Google Reader, and... yeah, well. Anyway, I'm not there now.

The thing about secrets is that they are sometimes quiet things that we never wish to admit. Each person's secret is like each person's pain. The WORST thing you ever experienced may not compare to other people's worst things, but it's still the worst thing you ever experienced. To you, it's awful. Secrets are like that, too. So I don't spend too much time commenting on other people's secrets, or their pains, or their joys. It's their spectrum, not mine.

Then again, my biggest kid secret is that I can't wait to dye my kid's heads purple and pink and make crazy little straight edge punks out of them. Sure, by the time they're older, it will be oldies music, but still.

[sheSaid]

nearly 9 months in and I love my son.... but in the begining... nope! I 'secretly' read in the bathroom or while I am taking a shower... because sometimes I feel guilty that I am so indulging at that moment. It FEELS like a dirty little secret... but my husband totally knows I am doing it and just plays along :)

[Erica]

I can absolutely relate to retreating to the bathroom, though with a slight variation. After I had my baby 9 weeks ago, I was encouraged to take sitz baths. So I'd get my herbal concoction ready, lock myself in the bathroom, and knit for 20 minutes. My husband thought I was crazy, but it did me so much good.

[enu]

I don't have any secrets because I'm a blabbermouth. That's worse than having secrets, isn't it ;-)

[Kateri]

i don't really relate to the first one, it was love at first sight every time for me. i was lucky that way.

and the second one really bothers me, it hits very close to home. she has to *lie* to her husband to get a few minutes to herself?? makes me glad i'm divorced.

[Julie]

This hits way too close to home to comment right now. It kind of makes me sad.

[lucy]

Moxie, I just spent 3 hours reading Go Fug Yourself. Brilliant. Its no secret. Thanks for the introduction.

[ACJ]

I "secretly" worry that T's cute-ness now isn't going to last and she'll be homely when she's older. And then I'll like her less.

Or how about, I "secretly" take personal credit for all her successes and blame my mother-in-law for all her flaws (i.e. eczema and an ear infection). No one said our secrets have to be logical, did they?

Or, I call it independent play, but actually it's just me ignoring her while I read laineygossip and moxie every morning.

[Jill in Atlanta]

I can't relate to either one, but it isn't that I don't have secrets or that those secrets aren't completely normal. Maybe Moxie readers should all confess our secrets.

1) I just screamed at my child for having a tantrum
2) I eat chocolate when I feel guilty for (1) and also when he's asleep.
3) My kids eat better than I do; I hide inside my pantry to eat the things they shouldn't have.

[meanderwithme]

I have one that's of the "can I say that -- I mean, say that and not have people think I'm horrible" variety. I'll post it here, since I seem to let my blog suffer. DH knows my blog, so I don't write about this stuff there!

My secret: I fear that I'll resent my son (7 weeks, 2 days) because he was conceived during make up sex. Not "we had a fight" make up sex, but "dh, I'm leaving you when we're back to the US" make up sex, after he begged me to give it a few more months for us to make a go of our newish marriage. I still wonder if staying was the right thing to do -- DH is a good (sometimes even great) dad/stepdad, but totally not the person I thought he was when I married him. Sometimes I think about the fantastic -- for ME rather than the kids -- person I could meet someday when the kids are grown, and wonder what I need to do to actually make THIS marriage good instead.

Ack, did I just type that?

[Lorraine]

@ACJ -- hee, I call that "independent play" too! And I consider it developmentally appropriate.

Then again, I read all of the last Harry Potter book while sitting in a Starbucks with a 2-month old. I had no idea until then that I could simultaneously nurse and hold up a 5 pound book.

Secrets are all about feeling shame, and I'm trying not to let shame rule me. It's hard, because it's so built into both my personality and the culture. So in the spirit of sharing:

My son's almost a year old and I think that I'm still growing into loving him. Sometimes, especially at work, I forget about him for whole hours.

[Swampy]

I hate reading book like this. They make me feel like a crap mom when things I do every day to just get through the day are someone else's shameful little secret.

And it depresses me to know end to see how often wanting some time for yourself or a separate identity from being mom to your kids is seen as something to be kept secret.

As for the secrets posted in Moxie post: my husband does the second one (hides in the bathroom reading) and the sneakiness/deception aspect of it drives me crazy. So I dont do it to him but I also dont hestitate to plop my daughter in front of the tv when I want to sit and read blogs.

[meanderwithme]

For the record, he (the baby) is a peach.

Oh, and Hedra -- I didn't see the comment re: email addy until late last night. When you have time, I'd still love to see the Montessori home info: meanderwithme AT gmail DOT com

[Julie]

meanderwithme.....you are not alone in wondering about that.

[Salexuel]

It felt like it took ages for me to fall in love with my twins. I did of course, but there were certainly days that I thought "huh. This is IT?!?" It makes me sad that someone feels that has to be a secret rather than being able to say that it makes them sad or whatever, and getting support from others (spouse, partner, moms group, etc.)
As for getting time to myself, it must be done, so I'll do whatever it takes. My kids still destroy the bathroom, so no magazines in there, but then again, I do the "independent play" thing as well.

[meggiemoo]

I agree that the "secrets" books generally just make me uncomfortable and sad. But I seem to be incapable of feeling guilty about anything, so I don't really have any secrets. But here are some things other people might consider secrets:

- I go to a matinee by myself nearly every weekend (I highly recommend this...empty theaters! Popcorn and candy to yourself! No one talking during the movie!)

- I stay up later than DH some nights so I can have some alone time. I watch crap TV and eat ice cream. (It's sort of like waiting to poop until the stranger leaves the bathroom...)

- My kid totally eats healthier than me...hopefully this means he won't have the food issues I have.

- I let DS do some things that today's cautious parents would probably consider dangerous.

[hedra]

meanderwithme, I sent it. Anyone else who didn't get it, let me know. It's I think 2MB or so, but DH made a smaller one (which I don't have with me), shrunk the file size A LOT.

Anyway, I agree that secrets usually relate to shame or guilt. And that I don't like having things hidden. I'll just tell. The closest I get is the stuff I'm not really aware of myself, like that snitching a bite of ice cream when I'm cooking thing that I only noticed when I started the mindful eating striving. I wasn't even telling ME that I was doing that, pretty much! Um, oops! :wince: But the rest? There are things I don't tell for privacy reasons, but not for SECRECY reasons. I don't mind being private, I mind 'secret'.

[abcd]

I certainly didn't fall in love with my daughter when she was first born. I loved her in the womb, but when she came out (after a stressful birth) she was a little stranger to me. Then, the evening screaming matches made me regret I had her!!! I seriously wanted to hand her over to my mum until she was about 3. Nearly 8 months down the line, I'm in love and it's still growing. I was totally shell shocked and hormonal and had PPD.

I don't keep it a secret. I tell people it took time to love her and that it suprised me (I especially tell my friends who are expecting - just in case it happens to them). I'm not ashamed of it, it's how I felt. No one has judged me harshly for it (as far as I am aware) and who cares if they do?!?

I don't go to the loo to read. I'm in and out - there are far comfier places to read than the loo.

I secretly worry that my dd is going to inherit her dad's big nose. She's a really pretty baby, but I can see her dad's nose. I don't want her to be hung up on appearances - my own low self esteem about my body ruined my late teens and early twenties. I really hate myself for thinking about it.

[paola]

@ACJ

Your three I have thought sometime in my 3 years as a mum, with one or both of my chidren, especially the one about the MIL or at least my husband's side.

I didn't love my second child instantly either, but boy am I crazy about her now. When she popped out I looked at her and thought 'she isn't as cute as her brother was.' She may still not be as cute as her brother but she is so much more intelligent than her brother was at this age. I guess that's a secret, thinking one of your children is more beautiful than the other or far more intelligent.

[Lisa in Canada]

@ SarcastiCarrie: DH and I called them Kyoto Naps and I did them ALL THE TIME when N was small. Sorry David Suzuki, my sanity was temporarily more important than the environment! ;)

I think there are enough isolated moms out there who don't have a community like this, our a community in their own community and will be thankful that other moms are thinking/feeling/doing the same things they are.

[hedra]

@meanderwithme, one of the blessings of my life is the deep sense that my kids chose to come - took whatever opportunity they could get, because they wanted to be here, at least through me, if not with me or for me. That is what I remember from when I was little (I remember knowing that I chose this mother, and that even the siblings kind of worked out the order in which we'd arrive, though there were others who didn't make it before the 'window of opportunity' closed). It's what G has always said to me, as well - he knew he was coming. He knew when each additional child was coming, when I was pregnant, when I was about to miscarry (because the soul was already going or gone), etc. Having it not be 'my fault' that they're here, or that it is this timing (that it is more of a joint agreement - opportunity and intent), that might make the whole 'resent you for being because of when you were conceived' thing easier? Not sure, but thought I'd put that out there, anyway.

[rudyinparis]

Oddly, it's never occured to me to lock myself in the bathroom to read. As for the other point, I mostly feel weird that with both, immediately after they were born, I felt a huge happiness and pride with MYSELF and my ability to birth them... felt so strongly that it overshawdowed them, as in: Oh, and there's a baby here, too! In addition to my fabulous goddess self! On the one hand, I feel that reflects a selfish and self-absorbed personality. On the other, I think, well, I guess that's who I am.

[zenjen]

@lisa in canada: Hahahaha Kyoto naps. That cracked me up. I did a fair amount of driving in those early 2-3 months too. I would take this nice long drive to get the little one asleep and then get to the drive-through Starbucks, order a latte and a newspaper and read it while we parked and he slept. It was heaven at that time.

My guilty pleasures:
-Telling DH that I am exhausted and need to get to sleep...but then I get upstairs and I end up reading for over an hour. I just like laying in bed and reading. If I told DH that I was going up to read he would say something about us needing to spend more couple time together.
-I totally do the bathroom thing too. Sometimes I just lay down on the bath mat and read.
-I was really vigilant about not watching TV or letting the little one watch TV but now that he's officially a toddler and I spend so much time at home entertaining him or playing, I started to watch Sesame Street. For me!

[SarcastiCarrie]

Kyoto Nap Mom here. I actually blogged a series of Letters to Al Gore when I was doing it.

@zenjen - Well, 2-3 months, I guess, but a serious cartripper like me did it when my son was over 2 YEARS old. Like, old enough for me to say to him, "Now we're going to go for a ride in the truck for nap. Let's get your blankie and your milk, and no you don't need shoes."

[pnuts mama]

yeah, i was also thinking that those "secrets" are pretty pathetic- in the sense of the way society would love to perpetuate the 50's perfect mom myth on women and let us be "shocked" that a woman would want 3 minutes of privacy to be *by herself* to read, etc. or admit anything about being a mother could ever be felt as not positive. give me an effing break. in fact, the more i think about this, the more it's getting me riled up. so grr.

back to more fun secrets- i'm totally with ACJ et.al. that "independent play" is encouraged so mommy can cruise through dlisted or somesuch bs website for fun. i also used to read that truemomconfessions for a while til i just couldn't take it anymore. i had to cut back on mindless web surfing.

@hedra- i love that G knew that for you. i once had a reading done (due the kooky music, i know) where i was told amongst other things that my biomom, sister and i were a triad that keep re-incarnating into the universe (don't tell my bishop, ha) until we get it right. it's not looking so great for this go-round, i can tell you that.

@meanderwithme- the fathers of my sisters kids i could do without, but i could never do without my nephews. no matter what, they are the blessings of those unions, to be sure.

here's a confession: my husband who i appreciate and adore 95% of the time is really starting to piss me off with this "i don't like the name you want for our son (and was ok with if pnut had been male) but i have ZERO ideas for a name that i like." let me tell you, i'm at the point where if i'm the only one in the room when the birth certificate lady comes in, we're going with xyz name over noname. i know, i know, my control issues. ugh.

[Erin]

In my house, we call it "hiding."

As in, "Honey, has your gastrointestinal system exploded?"

"No, I'm just hiding for a few minutes."

When he figured out my secret, my husband told me that I didn't have to sneak off to the bathroom to read. But it's really nice to be able to go in there, close the door, and pretend that the baby didn't just throw up all over the dog or that there are about 175 loads of laundry that need to be done.

[Holly]

Hedra, I'd love love to have the Montessori home deal, too. My big project for this weekend is adding another closet rod so amlost3 can hang up her own clothes, which she is aching to do. If you wouldn't mind terribly, my email name is hollyherstad at gmail.com

cheers!

[meggiemoo]

@SarcastiCarrie...my son never napped in the car as an infant--he was a car screamer. But recently (he's 2 now), he was going through a sleep regression and seriously would.not.sleep. I had let my DH go to bed and was sitting in DS' dark room listening to him chatter (it was almost midnight at this point) and just decided to go for a ride.

So out we went, into the dark night, he in his PJs. We drove for 30 minutes before he finally, blessedly, fell asleep. I was so grateful that at least the car worked then, even if it didn't when he was a baby.

[rudyinparis]

Pnuts mama, don't underestimate the powerful negotiating position you'll be in immediately after the birth of Pnut el Segundo! I think it's pretty hard to say no to woman who just went through childbirth. This is how Younger got her name, which DH vetoed during the pregnancy.

[hedra]

@pnuts mama, isn't it funny how some names stop working for some people? We had two boy names chosen for G, and the one that we'd really kind of preferred for G (and he didn't get, because it really wasn't HIM), didn't really make the cut for the second list, for B.

Good luck picking. Boy names are hard, IMHO. There are fewer that strike the balance of 'normal enough to not be a social problem' and 'unique enough to not be one of 10 in the class', compared to girl names. We always had many more potential girl names we liked, compared to boys. You could always propose going in with a list, and then looking at him to see if it fits (it might, after all - he just needs to see him to know that, maybe).

[hill]

Shh... daughter loves to play with any tube, bottle, jar, container of cream or other cosmetic product. And put them in her mouth. And I let her. Come to think of it, she's most motivated when there are major constraints, like on the changing table or while dressing. Which is precisely when it's strategically advantageous for me to let her go right ahead. Chicken? Egg?

p.s. Hedra- would love to read the Montessori info. hillfish at gmail dot com. Thanks!

[paola]

...or you coming up with your top 10 names, your hubby ditto, and choosing the first name you have in common. Not that we did that, but some engineer friends did and they are both pleased with their choice.

p.s Hedra, I had a million boy's names I liked, no girls names except names starting with a KA sound, which is the first syllable of our surname, and would have made any daughter's name sound like an Italian prostitute. Ended going with my dh's choice and am so happy we did as it suits her down to her pink flowered sandals

[Lisa F.]

SarcastiCarrie, I guess I'm another Kyoto napper here!!! LOL. And yes, until he was over 2, and I got fed up w/the whole thing. He just had another "carnap" today, and wonder of wonders transferred & slept more(which he's only done a handful of times.)

am also a bathroom hider for reading, and 'independent play' blowing off child while trying to catch up w/Internet reading.

[pnuts mama]

great ideas for finding a name! imagine my frustration when i say "so, what name do you like?" and the answer is "i don't know"- i can't imagine him even having three names, let alone ten. sigh. it would be different if he was like "i want x" and i was like "i want y" but he can't even come up with one name he likes! i have tons of girls names i think are wonderful but very few boys names- i think they are much more difficult. plus, we knew pnuts name from the get-go, called her it in utero, and knew it was her when we saw her face- still is her, too.

i think i am just going to calmly lay out the reason why i have always imagined having a son with this name and why, and see what he says. i know i am running the risk of living the rest of our lives hearing "you always get what you want!" plus i'm not crazy about naming the boy something his father truly doesn't like. b/c that's not cool. eh, we'll figure it out.

[Cloud]

I always comforted myself when driving around for an hour so that Pumpkin would nap with the fact that at least I was driving around in a Prius. How silly is that? The upside of it was that I got to listen to the NPR shows I missed.

Big hugs to you, meanderwithme. That is not something I'd have wanted to be dealing with during those early newborn weeks when my world was upside down anyway. Maybe you can find a counselor you can talk to and work through your feelings and figure out if you like the person your DH turned out to be? I don't think I'm the person my Hubby thought I was when we first moved in together, but luckily for me he liked the person I turned out to be, too.

[Melba]

Not a Kyoto napper currently but was for several months. I figured I was still using less gas than I did when I did the daily commute to work pre-mat-leave so it's a wash, right?

And I'm not a bathroom reader either. Not comfy enough.

As for the love at first sight with your baby... I loved her while pregnant, loved her once she was here, but on around day 3 or so of going insane not having the slightest clue what to do with this crying little thing, my husband and I both confessed to having those thoughts of "I wish we hadn't done this and I want my old life back, we're not cut out to be parents and never should have decided to have kids... we've made a mistake, I'm not enjoying this, and oh I feel so guilty for wishing I didn't create this little girl I love so much". It took probably 6-8 weeks for the mourning of our childless life to end. I still miss it. But I don't wish we hadn't even done this baby thing anymore. It is strange though, to miss your old life when you love so deeply the little being in your new life.

[Maureen]

Hi... I take the secret thing as a way of opening other moms/potential moms that these thoughts may be more than norm than society has portrayed.

I actually completely stressed out and broke down in front of my wonderful OBGYN two days after my twins were born that I didn't LOVE them like I should have. I worked so hard to get those boys and really wanted them so bad that is completely stunned me that I didn't feel instantly connected to them. My OBGYN was so understanding and great about the whole thing and explained that it was perfectly normal and to give it time. Don't know the exact day when it happened but at this point (my boys are 3 yrs old) I can't imagine loving two beings any more than I love them.

As for the potty thing, in the beginning it wasn't about hiding out to read but rather hiding out to cry. The shower was great for that but so too was "going to the bathroom". Now that the boys are older, no privacy so not really an option. If I'm going when the boys are awake, one will come in to my bathroom with me, turn on the fan (amazing how fun that can be to a child), grab a couple magazines and hang out with me.

My secrets - 1) I still feel deep down that I don't quite have this mothering thing down. I see other moms and they seem to be so much more natural at it than I am. 2) I hide behind my kids when it comes to social interactions with others. I've forgotten how to have a normal conversation with adults when my kids are around. 3) I yell way more than I should and than I thought I would.

[Charisse]

Ha. This strikes me as the sort of book where people lie--and I say that as a researcher. :) It's kind of like telling your prospective employer your 3 weaknesses--who's going to cop to something real? And how much are people set up by the concept of "otherwise perfect moms"? I don't know much about the methodology of collecting the quotes but I somehow can't imagine it would hold water. So I guess it makes me mildly angry and disgusted at the publishers.

@hedra & pnuts mama, when we were working on baby names we kept saying we wanted a focus group of 8-year-old boys to alert us to the pitfalls (hilarious initials, etc.) of anything we were thinking of. We went to the hospital with 2 girl names and 1 boy name, and out came a little girl who belonged very clearly to one of the girl names and not the other. You guys have seen that Name Voyager thing, right?

http://www.babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html