60-Day Challenge Fifth Week in Review

Comments

[paola]

Not a great week for my two easy challenges. Was sick two days so no ab exercises and reading has been on the back burner now than Zoe is out of the study and in with her bro and the internet is ALL MINE.

As far as communication/being more understanding with hubby goes, there has been improvement. I've told him that all his complaining is no good for our relationship and seriously harms our intimacy and he agrees. This week we have talked a lot more than last week and things seem to be on the mend. Hope it continues.

[michaela]

Oy, I have totally fallen off the wagon with the facewashing before bed. Why does it seem so difficult?!? I'm sitting here this morning with noticeably dry skin on my cheeks -- something that disappears when I wash and moisturize before bed in addition to the morning. Gah.

Aimless net surfing during work: hmm. Honestly, I sort of forgot about this one. It's most important when I am writing, and I have two short pieces to do today. So back into high gear on this one.

As for yoga: I finally acted on the suggestion made by some fabulous commenter several weeks ago, and have arranged to have my wonderful yoga teacher give me a private lesson at my house, with the goal of setting up a home practice. It's expensive, but I think it'll be well worth it. And she's just fun to spend time with.

[Sherry]

I haven't posted about the challenge, but I always check in on people's progress. Paola's comment about her husband's complaining made me laugh. I had a similar conversation a couple of weeks ago. We had another disagreement last night, however, so we're on the outs. I got mad because he went to comfort our baby who wouldn't quit crying, and he got frustrated with the music-making thingie I'd put in her crib (he couldn't get it turned off) and he threw it down the stairs -- hard. I guess it's funny in retrospect. Not really. It made me mad. Sigh. One of my goals was to be nicer to him, and that's probably going about as well as the other two goals -- terrible.

[Sherry]

I should just be happy that he went to comfort baby girl, right?

[JB]

I keep forgetting my morning supplements, have gotten no exercise (except more cleaning -- our house goes on the market today and we already have two showings scheduled) and I'm stress eating. So that would be... .5 for three? I will try to do better this week.

@Sherry -- my husband gets so frustrated with our son when he won't stop crying or spitting out his pacifier or whatever. He's over there by the crib saying, "Come *on*, *stop* it," and I'm lying in bed, tense, thinking, should I go take over? I need sleep but I'm not sleeping. So I hear ya.

On the bright side, the baby slept for 7 hours in a row last night, 6 of which I also slept. I feel like a different person.

[hedra]

Sherry, yes, and yet I know the cross-wired reaction when they seem overwhelmed by what should have been a simple problem. Why did you take out your feeling of incompetence on the toy? Why was it such an extreme reaction? What's the deal? IMHO, a lot of that kind of stuff is really about feelings in conflict - either just struggling to accept the misery of parenthood as part of the whole package (along with the joys), or maybe feeling scared and incompetent as a father or a man, or person in general, which is in conflict with any positive self concept - in either case, it's not about the toy. It's remarkably like the reaction of an older sibling adjusting to having a younger (at least, it was in our house, LOL!) - after B was born, G would become very easily frustrated and enraged, throw his toys, kick things, stomp around in wildly excessive displays of temper compared to the incident... but the problem was that he was suppressing his distress about being a big brother - he had wanted a sibling, asked for one, was excited and thrilled and in awe... and it SUCKED. Any time anything opened up the 'unhappy' door, EVERYTHING negative would pour out. It was only after I really encouraged him to let out the negative feelings easily, often, and without distress on my part (THAT being the hard part of the trick), that he stopped over-reacting to every little thing. Mixed feelings are hard to live with, especially when we don't give ourselves permission to have them. The more we wanted the child, the more we love the child, the harder it is to welcome the negative feelings that come with the same package. In the book Siblings without Rivalry, the authors talk about how when the negatives are 'stuck' (suppressed) the positives tend also to get suppressed - keep one in, you keep both in. Let them all flow, and the good flows more powerfully, too.

If he's normal, he's likely to not like the idea that there's a lot of downside, that he misses a lot of the pre-baby life, that he's worried, scared, insecure, etc. Worse for guys who were taught to lock that all down and pretend to be strong, and scary when the armor starts to crack and the suppressed stuff comes out in a torrent.

So, while yeah, it can set us off, there's a reason for the disconnect - it isn't a disconnect when you look at the whole picture. Only when you look at the cause-effect at the immediate scale. So, maybe a place for some compassion and conversation. And yes, nice that he went in at all. Not every dad can muster the courage to try (and yes, it takes courage to confront a situation where you have a good chance of being helpless, or at least expectations of failure...).

***

Tai qi - zip.
Exercise machine - zip.
Intentional eating - so-so, but still making the effort.

However, expanding intentionality elsewhere, definitely happening. Which wasn't the plan, but is as good a consequence of this challenge as I could ask.

[Moxie]

You know what? I don't give a crap about green tea. I'm bailing on that.

Vegetables are going really well.

I'm still having problems with getting to bed earlier,but I think that goal is worthwhile, so I'm going to keep trying, even when it doesn't work.

[Kristie]

In the first few weeks I was rocking my exercise goal. Now, exercise has fallen by the wayside but I am rocking my Bible reading goal. Go figure. As far as getting to bed by 11pm...still. not. really. happening.

[wealhtheow]

I'm eating so many fruits and veggies a day I'm loosing weight without really trying that hard.

I've been much much better this week about exercising, getting out and going for a walk even when I don't really feel like it. Once I'm out there I love it, though.

I've been tackling one room of the house each weekend--this past weekend it was my bedroom, and it feels so much more restful to have a clean and tidy bedroom. Now if only the baby would get through his 4-month sleep regression the room would actually BE restful!

[sue]

@wealthnow
isn't that the cool thing about veggies? My favorite non-diet is that any time I feel hungry, or bored/hungry, or snacky, or am watching tv. I can eat a vegetable. watching Dancing with the Stars? get out the baby carrots. midnight snack? have an apple. the veggies ar surprisingly bulky, and i's difficult to overdo the calories even if you're a total glutton, like I am. Then, if you want dessert, you can have it, since you haven't been eating chips and cookes all day long.

t-tapp - going great.
kitchen clean-up - not so much. our standards seem to have lowered inthe past week or two. the kids and I are going to have a cleaning afternoon today. we'll see how well that goes. ha!
husband/relationship - much better, but still working on it. we hda reached a point where we were tensely sniping at each other, sighing heavily, and stomping out of rooms without discussing what was bothering us. no fun. we've started bringing stuff up and things are starting to thaw as a result. hooray!

[ada]

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/02/opinion/02aamodt.html?em&ex=1207281600&en=93063bbf6c0470e8&ei=5087%0A

Did anyone see this article on willpower in the NYT?

It may help explain why we're able to accomplish some of our goals but not all of them. However, there is hope, as it states that willpower gets easier with more use.

"The brain has a limited capacity for self-regulation, so exerting willpower in one area often leads to backsliding in others."

"Focusing on success is important because willpower can grow in the long term. Like a muscle, willpower seems to become stronger with use."

[Sherry]

Thank you, Hedra, for that much-needed perspective. I think you nailed it. He is scared and feeling incompetent, and he is trying to suppress the negative emotions that come with being a dad. In fact, I've asked him to try to suppress them. I knew he was frustrated (it was 10:15 after all, and we hadn't eaten dinner), but if I can stay aware of the deeper issues he is dealing with, I can be calmer and more helpful. My reaction last night was to run up the stairs shouting that I could do it and didn't need his help. I see now why the rest of our evening was so tense. I thought at the time that my reaction wasn't so bad, but it was exactly what he did not need. Makes me teary.

[Katie B.]

I did my yoga yesterday! and am only mildly sore today, since the third trimester routine is so very gentle. And I'm planning a nice long (for me with my pelvic dysplasia) walk for today.

I did drink lots of non-diruetics yesterday (not so much on the water, but two good-sized smoothies), but then blew it with a caffeinated soda right before bed. So I was awake til nearly 2, peeing every 30 minutes. *sigh*

Not much snuggling. I think I need to initiate massage tonight.

Still not doing a reading even close to daily. Last reading I did was for my brother and now-SIL last Tuesday, before the wedding.

Hey, Hedra, can you compile a list of parenting books you'd recommend? You always have such smart suggestions for them, but I never quite remember to write them down, and therefore lose track (darn pregnancy brain). If you don't want to post them here, you can email me at eledewen AT gmail DOT com - actually, I'd appreciate an email copy even if you do post it here! Thanks!

[Katie B.]

Ack! That's eledwen, not eledewen!

[hedra]

You can start with Moxie's list:
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/08/qa_book_for_rai.html

And add in the usual recommended set from here:

* Your X Year Old (Ames and Ilg) - every one of them.
* Playful Parenting. (which I don't have, but it is on my list)
* Anything by Ann Douglas (the anti-expert). A good all-around book on
parenting is her Mother of All Parenting Books book.

Going down the rest of my huge list - keeping in mind that I read really fast... (I think all these are on Amazon, click through on top left...)...

*Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.).

That one plus Ann Douglas' book would be plenty as a place to start.

Others if you want to expand from there, pick and choose:

*The Pocket Parent (2-5 year old idea-source).

*How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

*Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting (especially the stuff in the back).

*Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.

STILL OTHER BOOKS with something to offer, maybe library worthy, maybe just read the reviews on Amazon and see if it looks useful.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child
Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy - The S.A.L.V.E. method works. P.E.T. covers the overall picture better, but the SALVE method is still useful.

The Six Stages of Parenthood - understanding myself AS a parent, not 'how to parent'.

My Share of Night, My Share of Morning: Parenting as a Spiritual Journey - or, wait, was that Our Share of Night, Our Share of Morning? Another 'seeing myself as a parent helps me see how to parent'.

In the Newborn Year: Our Changing Awareness after Childbirth - Love Elisabeth Hallet.

Oh, and something on the Five Love Languages. I didn't buy the books, just reviewed the general concepts, and found them useful.

I trimmed the list, sent you the longer version.

[Beth A.]

I have sucked the past two weeks. I have a wicked cold right now, but not much of an excuse for the previous week. I've been more or less keeping up with exercise, but totally failing on cooking or staying away from soda. Once I can breathe again, I'm going to try to rededicate myself.

[Tor]

1- remembering my vitamins.
2- working out about every 3rd day instead of every 2nd.
3- doing ok with turning off the tv, but could do better. hubby won't play that game tho. although when he was "playing with the baby" (ie. sitting with him on his lap facing out so they could both watch tv, a repeat of the simpsons he had seen 10 times before, while i cooked dinner) our 5month old laughed at the tv! was pretty weird.

ironically, my art was a goal i scrapped from this challenge, yet i found the time for a few design projects for other people, and just got asked to do a portrait as a cover for a CD (and do the graphic design too). But a request for a portrait commission! and now i am out of practice so i better get drawing!

[Katie B.]

Thanks so much, Hedra! I'm a really fast reader, also - definitely a boon in my previous life as a literature grad student! Looking at your annotated list, I think I want them all... now to start haunting my local used book stores!

[Mommy-O]

Managed to do BWO+ today but didn't get as many fruit/veg as I would have liked nor was I as nice to hubby as I should have been considering he is still sick.

[Tor]

woohoo! one of my orig list (that i changed after the first week) was to get rid of the daily single can of coke. it prolly isnt helping my breastfed bub settle, or my weight, but man i need it to try and stay awake during the day.
But research has just been released indicating that caffeine is protective of some inflammatory neurological diseases, and I have one of those so YAY i need to KEEP my daily coke! for medicinal reasons LOL goodbye guilt! hehehe.

[hedra]

@Tor, isn't it nice when you find out you're self-medicating with the right thing? (heh) :)
You can counteract with additional daylight exposure for your bub, perhaps. (boosts melatonin production, which then helps sleep.)

[Tor]

thanks hedra, great idea
i am trying to get out every day (maybe i should make that one of my things on this list), cos vitD is important in managing my disease too (tho i take supps too), but it usually means a walk round the shopping centre at lunchtime. Hmm a morning walk would be a very good idea i think, even tho I'd have to drive a way before I could do it. melatonin for bub and me to sleep that nite, vit D, exercise, routine...so many benefits...
i LOVE it when things have multiple good effects, when everything kills 2 birds with 1 stone. makes it a bit easier to do the things you really don't wanna do but should.

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