The right way

I've been getting a lot of emails lately in which the writer says some version of "I just want to do this the right way" (meaning parenting).

The right way.

The right way is what works for you and your child and your family.

The right way for you is not the exact same right way as the right way for your neighbor, your sister, your best friend.

The right way with your first child is not the right way with your second child or third child or thirteenth child.

The right way is what allows you to be true to yourself and honor your child at the same time, as much as you can, in the middle of situations that should be against the Geneva Convention.

The right way doesn't have anything to do with pacifiers, or putting a baby down asleep or awake, or when your baby is out of diapers, or whether your baby watches TV or not.

The right way is about learning more about yourself and using that knowledge to learn about your child. And then taking that knowledge of your child and using it to learn more about yourself.

The right way is having a long conversation with this amazing little person you've been entrusted with. Sometimes the conversation gets rough and you get tired and angry at each other, but you keep talking. And the conversation just gets more and more interesting as you go along.

For me, the right way is that my mom learned how to text as soon as she figured out that that's easier for me at work than talking.

I don't know if I'm doing it the right way at any given time with my kids, but the conversation seems to be going well, so I'm trusting that I'm doing fine.

Do you want to share your experience of the right way?

Comments

[pnuts mama]

all i have to say to that is:

AMEN, SISTER!!!!

[TheWordBird]

Sing it, Sister!

[snickollet]

Lovely post. Very inspiring and humbling, especially for a rules-bound perfectionist like me.

Here's my question, though: what if what is right for your child and what is right for you as an adult/parent are at odds with one another? I know what my son needs: he needs a lot of emotional and physical support in the form of sunggles, love, and patience. Sometimes, after a full day at work and the emotional toll of being a single parent, I don't have it in me to give him what he needs because I need some space for myself.

That's just one example, but I've felt that pull of knowing what my kids need v. knowing what I need many, many times and I struggle with it pretty much daily. In the end, I feel like we all lose because none of us ends up with exactly what we need.

Maybe I should do my own blog post on this instead of hijacking your comments, but if anyone has any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them.

[d]

I have grown in my faith in my 'right way', (attachment parenting, letting him wean himself, co-sleeping) but oh how hard it is to let the 'helpful' advice of friends and parents who believe in cry it out, sleep in a crib and wean early to free up mummy time, just slide off me.

At the end of this journey through babyhood I want to look back and be a little proud that I did it my way (thank heavens for one friend who firmly believed the way I do!) so THANK YOU to you Moxie, and your readers, (and my friend!) for validating my instincts against not-so-silent disapprovals!

[Joceline]

Thanks, Moxie. I needed to hear that today.

@d-I'm hoping to be where you are soon. I just need to learn to let the advice and well-meaning comments go and not chip into my confidence. I'm glad you're doing well with that.

[Moxie]

Snickollet, if I lived near you and was part of your RL support system, I'd want you to tell me exactly what you just said in your comment. Because I think there would be a way for your support system to help alleviate the emotional stress so you'd be able to get enough time to yourself to be able to give it to your son while he's awake.

Instead of having a finite amount of time/patience/connection that either goes to him or you, maybe your support people could create more of all those things so it's not such a horrible choice (on the days you can actually even choose).

[caramama]

Thank you for this, Moxie. This is so beautifully said. I love the idea of thinking about parenting as a continuing conversation!

I will be thinking about my own definition of "the right way," since right now I can only say that it's the way that works for us, right now, right here. It may (and probably will) all change tomorrow.

snickollet - Do you know the quote that's something like "the only good compromise is the one where both parties walk away unhappy"? I don't know if it helps you to think of it that way, but this parenting stuff has so much negotiation going on to reach some sort of liveable compromise. And it may just be that no one is 100% happy, but that's okay too. Each member of the household is part of a system in which there is give and take because each member is important and deserves his/her needs/wants to be considered. We have to figure out how to balance it all, and I think it's a daily struggle for a lot of us. I think it's especially hard with a fussy/high-needs baby or kids in a phase where they need so much attention, and especially for a single parent. I don't know if any of that helps. But you aren't alone in the struggle. :-)

[Amy]

Snickollet,I struggle with this too. No answers... just empathy.

Moxie, great post.

[MrsHaley]

@d -- I'm with you. I know what's best for my family. You know what's best for yours. Leave it there.

@Snickollet -- The kids' needs always win out for me. I have the resources to put my needs aside until my fulfillment is timely. They do not. I can teach them this by showing them a good example. When mine get older and need to learn delayed gratifictation, it will be a valuable and oft-repeated lesson. But not at 13 months.

To allow the unsolicited advice / criticism slide off, I think about everything the giver does NOT know about my kids & family, or about AAP recommendations, or whatever gap in their knowledge is showing via their advice. I'm pretty confident I have done the objective research AND that I know my family better than anyone. I've done the work necessary to feel good about the parenting decisions I make. Doing that work has been a huge confidence booster in the face of the naysayers.

[Trope]

Hey snickollet--no, none of us get exactly what we need. Speaking out of my own experience, which is obviously different from yours, I often need to remember that I'm never going to create a PERFECT environment for my child, just a safe, healthy, pretty good environment where he can learn and try out new things. So I would remind you that you need to model taking care of yourself, in a way that makes sense to your kids, with the goal that (a) you get what you need and (b) you teach them that they can get themselves what they need, without depending on you forever and always. I don't know how old your kids are so this may or may not be helpful advice. Telling my infant to entertain himself for an hour is obviously not going to work! But even with him, I have to remember to model this stuff. He watches me cook myself food, because if mama doesn't eat, he doesn't eat. And so on.

At the end of the day, all I can say is: hang in there. We are all rooting for you, and will send our love and patience over the internets to you.

[AmyinMotown]

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Once again, you've posted something I need to see exactly when I need to see it.

Two weeks into life with two kids, I am feeling not as lost as I was when my daughter was born, but still pretty clueless. I was in such a great groove with my three year old, and now to be thrust back into learning who this new little fellow is and what he needs from me, while also giving my daughter what she needs, going back to work soon and please God having a few minutes for myself or my husband, feels between an invigorating challenge and completely impossible depending on how much sleep we've all had and our overall moods. I needed to be reminded that a) I am actually pretty competent at this overall and b) that my own way of doing this is okay and I will in fact figure this all out, just like I did with her.

(I was going to write you and thank you for the Preventing PPD series as well, which I went back and read over the last few days. I don't feel PPDish overall, but my husband went back to work Monday after being home for two glorious weeks and I am awfully weepy. I did great the first two weeks and was all "Dig me, I don't think I'll have any trouble this time!" and then my main support went back to work and I am feeling a mite bit unsteady. I'm adopting as many of the suggestions as I can--and am already doing many, which makes me feel all coping-skills-filled. So, again, THANK YOU).

[cagey]

Yes, yes, YES. Right on!

My #1 advice to new mothers is simply "you know your child BEST. No one else knows your child better than you and your partner. No one. Not even the doctor - he/she knows babies, but not necessarily YOUR baby.

[rudyinparis]

With Eldest now at 4.5, I feel I'm finally, finally, coming to a real understanding that this parenting business is constant learning and striving. I made mistakes with her and I could spend the rest of my life kicking myself over lost opportunities but what I must do instead is learn from those mistakes and become better equipped to be her parent. I can't dwell on the past, I can only move forward and keep striving to be the mother she needs. And I'll keep making mistakes and hopefully keep learning! Every day is a new day.

[hannah m]

People already said what popped into my mind when I read this post: "Amen, Sister!"

For me, it is about keeping it sweet and simple and joyful. I've let go of A LOT of my pre-parenthood convictions now that I'm actually a mom. And that's okay--it's good, in fact! It's all about the path of least resistance, happy kids, happy parents and learning about what works for my family.

I just adore this post, Miss Moxie.

[liz]

I adore this post too!

Snickolet, I wonder if it might help for you to come home and OVER snuggle for 10-15 minutes so that he's the one who ends the snuggle session and gives you more time physically to yourself without struggling with him over it?

[hedra]

I'm with those leaping to my feet for the ovation. :clap clap clap:

Yeah, dammit. Keeping that communication going, that's the core of it.

@snikollet, yeah, been there, live there.

The right way, for me, when I'm stuck in the same spot, is problem solving as best I can, and accepting that sometimes, and for spans of time not even often, I won't get a perfect resolution. The right way, for me, means accepting that there are some conflicts I'm not going to find a resolution for - or not today.

If you want a LOT of good examples of that, try the book Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) (Highly detailed and complete system - maybe not 100% perfect, but it works shockingly well) - there's a lovely first chapter that talks about how the goal is *increasing* the space where neither you nor the child has a problem, but that there's no such thing as totally eliminating the 'someone has a problem'/'not feeling accepting of your needs'/'you not feeling accepting of my needs' zone. Maybe for a day or two, everything could be absolutely peachy, but then someone grows, situations change, and you're back to 'hey, my needs NOT EQUAL your needs!' And then you problem-solve again, to widen the range, and again, don't fret over the times when there's no way you'll get their needs to line up with yours, or yours to line up with theirs, or either of yours solved by some other path.

We've been working that model for a while now, and it has really helped. Not perfecto perfecto, but that would be 'THE RIGHT WAY (cue dramatic voice)' - And trying for perfect is really a one-way trip to stress, guilt, and self-doubt without solving anything.

So, our case, since sometimes an example helps.

Two working parents, four kids (two of them 3 1/2 year old twins with vastly different personalities), three cats, very small house.

Specific case of problem: Took R (3 1/2) grocery shopping. I'm tired and drained physically and emotionally, she's feeling totally fabulous (loads of energy and drive and opinions). Manage to cope through the trip, not bad, give myself a B+. But by the time we get home, I so totally want to just get the groceries IN, and AWAY, and go do something that has nothing to do with explaining the universe to a 3 year old. Or carrying her, for that matter.

My needs? Please give me 10 minutes of peace. Her needs? So thrilled to have been such a big help all shopping trip long, riding high on that buzz, want more!

I bring her in, set down my purse, and turn to go out the door to get the groceries. She wants to help - though she's already stripped off her coat and shoes. I want to just go grab them, not have to get her ready again, think about or pick what bag she can help with, help her help me back to the house. I just want to get them into the house and away. Period. I can even do it in one trip.

I can feel the pressure start to build. I immediately tell her No, thank you, I'm getting the bags and coming back. It is cold out, I only want to make one trip, and a lot of other reasons/excuses/nonsense follows that, as she begins her usual cycle when stymied. First she insists. Then she whines. Then she (oh, she loves her voice) yells. I WANNA HELP! Oh for the love of pete, can I not just bring in the groceries, have 10 blessed seconds of not being helped or having to help you help me do this? (that part not out loud, but definitely felt)

But for me, doing it 'my right way' (as opposed to THE right way) means exactly what Moxie said - communicate. Dialog. Keep it up even when it sucks. So, I realize I'm trying to stop the communicating, and I sit my tired behind down on the step-stool (in the kitchen, special so they can help, heh), and communicate, face to face, with her semi-rigid-with-being-thwarted body standing between my knees, prepared to fight for her right to help.

"I have a problem. I really want to just get the groceries in as fast as possible. I'm tired, and I don't really want help, I just want to do it fast and get it done." (she takes a breath to protest) "AND! YOU have a problem. You really like helping, and you're enjoying helping - it was lots of fun, and felt really good. You want to keep helping me. Yes?" She nods, and softens her body language. "Okay, so let's find a solution that solves both our problems. Hmm. Any ideas?" She shakes her head, no. "Okay, how 'bout this? You tell me if it works. I bring in the groceries, and then YOU take all the groceries out of the bags. You can do ALL the helping on that part. Then I can put them away. Does that work?" She's perked up completely as I spoke, so I'm thinking it's possible as a starting point. Double-bonus, she decides it's good as is.

So, I run out, get the bags ALL BY MYSELF (woo!), bring them in, and put them down. (She stood on the step-stool, carefully NOT following me to the door, holding onto her end of the bargain so hard that I kind of winced - it was a reminder that I may not always be following through well when I make an agreement.)

Strangely, at this point I no longer feel all crunched up about her helping. It feels like she listened to me, and I listened to her, and it isn't so hard to have her help as long as she's not helping at *my expense*. It was mutual. It was again FUN to have her help, watch her excitement and sense of accomplishment. And then she ran off and let me put things away all by myself, too. She didn't whine, grump, grouse, or climb on me. She didn't yell at me (one of her favorite vocal ploys when she feels she's not being taken seriously enough), and she even played well with her siblings for about 10 minutes while I worked.

Was it still a pain to do? Yeah, but a lot less than fighting with her about it. Did I get 20 minutes to myself? No, but I got 10. She was less pushy, less demanding, and less bossy for a while, rolling off the modeling maybe, or just rolling off having been heard and feeling successful. Did she still need something different than I did? Yep, but we managed to reduce the degree of negative overlap of needs.

It isn't about being perfect, as Moxie says. It is about being functional, together. I don't know anyone with whom I have a 100% match of needs, ever. Why would it be more true with my kids? We're different people, at different points. Even identical twins have conflicting needs. So, no 'perfect'. Just feeling respected, each to the other, (and hey, seriously not every blessed moment! I'm not perfect!)

But for that moment, that's the goal - I don't roll my needs under to serve them, and I don't roll theirs under to serve me. It isn't a win/lose life. It is a sometimes we both lose, sometimes we both win (because usually when I win at their expense, it comes back to bite me in the butt, and I didn't feel that great about winning, either, so what starts out as a win/lose attempt is really a lose/lose situation). And sometimes, probably a good 1/3 and sometimes half the time (and for the really bad days, maybe more than half), it is either totally mangling it, or half-mangle, half do-over. But always working for the increase-the-range-of-acceptable to each other.

So, for your case - it's okay to own the problem, and work on solutions together. Even in simple terms. "I'm really tired. I need to get some rest and some quiet time. I'm afraid I'm going to be really grouchy if I don't. I don't want to be grouchy, and I know you have your needs too. My problem is that I need to have some time alone and some rest. Your problem, I think, is that you need time with me, and my attention. How can we solve this together? Do you have some ideas?" When they're little, the ideas may be silly or totally off-base or impossible. Count them as ideas, then come up with some more of your own. Then go down the list and find something you can both live with. Even if you cannot find a solution, you can still say, 'wow, we tried really hard to come to a solution on this. We're not getting there yet. No answer that works for both of us. I think we'll have to find one another day. For now, we'll have to put it aside. Neither of us will be happy with that, I know.' and then proceed through as best you can with the mangle.

Many things that process does.

1) it makes the issues visible,
2) it puts the problems where they belong, so the kid doesn't feel they're carrying YOUR problem around.
3) it makes a connection, and it is intellectual enough that even when I'm just NOT on the 'cuddle and connect' planet, I can do that much (and it does work for my kids as a connection)
4) It releases a lot of the pressure that not speaking the problem creates - I also find that I'm much more positive and able to go with them when I've run the process through.
5) It models what we'd like them to do with us when they have a problem with our behavior/parenting/etc. (and they WILL bring this back around to you, trust me!)
6) It doesn't fake it. No pretending you're feeling okay - they know you're not anyway. No owning their problem as your own, no making them own your problem, either. It's honest, and that counts for a huge amount.
7) It means you don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to even be consistent - each day can be different. You can tolerate more one day than the next, back and forth, and be able to communicate what you can cope with - without feeling like you're breaking all sorts of unspoken 'doing it right' rules about being 100% reliably consistant in your play/availability/resources.
8) It shows them that sometimes we don't succeed, but that's also okay, and we try again, even putting it aside to try later. It allows the bad feelings from that to be okay, too. We KNOW we won't both be happy when neither of our needs are really being met, and that's allowed.
9) It puts the issue out in the open, and also back through the ears into the subconscious where it can be worked on. I've been amazed how often I'll just AH-HA! an idea later, even just a few minutes later, if I've articulated what the problem(s) were. And it will itch at me until I go ask someone or read something, pushes me to seek out the answer because the problem is right there.

I hope that was at least somewhat helpful. Rather than just being insanely long, LOL!

It really is the core of the Respectful part of my three rules. I own my problem, I work with you to solve the conflict in needs, I don't expect impossible degrees of success from either of us, I expect only that we communicate, take responsibility for ourselves, and try again tomorrow. What Moxie said in a lot fewer words than I can.

I'm also still learning this parenting thing. I spent two days losing my temper over stupid shit, between the lovely problem solving with R, above, and last night. But last night, I got it together again, and this morning, mangled badly, recovered faster, hit a good moment, mangled again, picked it back up, mangled again, got something spot-on, then half-mangled, tried over (multiply by four kids). Never perfect. But always working on doing it MY right way.

My mom taught me that 'getting it right' or 'doing it right' had more to do with trying again than with the messing it up in the first place. Everyone messes it up. Period. Find me one parent who never blew it, big or small. Un-messing up also doesn't mean never meeting our own needs, denying our humanity, but means asking, as you did - digging, seeking, trying to find some way to right the imbalance no matter which way it tipped. Can't take it very far if we're tipping all the way one way then all the way the other all the time. And given the loads involved, and the lumps in the road, no way to run it through without ever tipping at all. Tip, curse a bit, right it, repack the loads, and carry on. (I'm picturing a wheelbarrow... unfortunately, picturing it full of horse manure, LOL! Too many years mucking out stables as a teen...)

[julie]

Thank you Moxie! That was just what I needed to hear today. Your site is amazing and the most helpful one out there.

[Heather Terrell]

For me, "the right way" is so much about making sure that I take the space I need, so that I can appreciate the time I have with my child. Too often, I compare myself with other people who seem to be able to give "more" to their kids. But giving "more", for me, at the expense of my sanity, is not a win-win situation.

[NG]

Amen! I'm just glad to hear someone else say it out loud.

[Maureen]

Hard post for me... I hear what you are saying but I'm one of those that gets hung up on the right way. I totally get that there are many different right ways for each child and each family and I truly believe that. My problem is that I am still having such a hard time coming up with what the right way is for my family. I read books about positive parenting; I see the great comments above from Hedra with the examples... I see those and think those make so much sense but when my own specific "instances" come up with my kids, I can't come up with the creative solution; I can't find the great compromise solution in the momment (i.e., something as simple as suggesting the child unload the groceries from the bag). It makes me feel like I am disconnected in some sense and too hung up on the "problem" but I just can't seem to make the jump.

For example, my preschool boys are now in the habit of running from us at bedtime - not sure how in the world to incorporate positive, non-punitive parenting into fixing that problem. Right now it always results in a crying session for the boys. I know there has to be a right way (for us/them) to fix the problem but for the life of me I have such a hard time coming up with what that would be.

One child cries a lot at night (still!) and I've tried the whole dialogue thing with him the next day as to what we could do to make it better so everyone gets some sleep... he couldn't add anything and for the life of me I couldn't really either. I tried to interpret what the problem might be and thgouth maybe he's worried that I've already left for work (I leave in the AM every morning before they wake up). I made a pack with my son that if he slept through the night, I promised I would say good bye to him in the morning, even if he was sleeping so he'd know when I was leaving and wouldn't have to worry about it all night. Didn't work. Still in the same spot.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. And thanks for the interesting topic Moxie... I'm really excited to see the other posts today.

[rudyinparis]

Bravo Hedra, as usual! "...I got it together again, and this morning, mangled badly, recovered faster, hit a good moment, mangled again, picked it back up, mangled again, got something spot-on, then half-mangled, tried over..." Oh my, yes.

[hill]

Right on schedule, Moxie. Just yesterday, I got smacked with a big, fat "You're not doing it the right way" comment. Actually, I was told I'm doing it the "wrong way"! And by a doctor, no less.

I've been having serious back problems but breastfeed my 13 month old daughter and thus anti-inflammatories are off-limits. Upon hearing that, the doctor leaned back in his chair, put his hands behind his back and smugly said, "You planning on weaning her someday?" Then proceeded to tell me that a mother and a child of this age should not be sleeping near each other, let alone (GASP!) nurse during the night. Oh pleeease.

But thanks to the fact that there are Moxies and great folks like everyone here, I am proud to say that I felt nothing-- NOTHING! -- but indignation. No self-doubt, just amazement.

p.s. I'm writing from France where cultural differences mean that breastfeeding over 6 months is practically considered long-term. Heh. Things have changed here a LOT in the past few years though, and I have gotten nothing but support from friends, family and total strangers. Maybe a curious raised eyebrow, but neither disdain nor judgement.

[Chelle]

I fully embrace the idea that my "right way" is not the same as everyone else's and that's ok.

My little one will turn 2 in a few months and I am just now getting over the guilt of not being able to breast feed him (long story as to why it didn't work). I did pump exclusively for 4 months but the stress(from my dad dying AND my husband being laid off AND having to go back to work)just completely wreaked havoc on my milk supply. So maybe feeding him didn't go the "right way" or at least what I had planned but in the end; I have a healthy strong little boy so I guess it all worked out ok.

I'm not a big fan of co-sleeping mostly because I don't get enough sleep that way. So our little guy goes to bed in his crib and sleeps most of the night there but he does come into our bed a few hours before its time to get up. *shrug* It works for us.

Now that I have kids; I better under the "picking your battles" arguement. I still want my kid to be polite and well-behaved (considering he is a toddler) but he took probably 4 baths over the course of the weekend. Why? Because he wanted to and asked politely plus it was easier on me than keeping him from dismantling the house. :-)

[caramama]

@hedra - I heart you. Thank you for sharing all that. It was wonderful to read.

@Maureen - You said you've read positive parenting books... Have you read Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen? I found he gave really good advice about how to actually start using playful parenting as a positive parenting technique. I think it could be very useful to you in many situations, like in the going ot bed situation. As for the crying at night, do you think he may be having night terrors? My neice had night terrors from 2 to 3 or so, when she'd wake up crying and go into her parents bedroom every night. I actually have had bad dreams for years, so I sat down and had a talk with her about how I get them too, and it's hard but okay, etc. After that, she either stopped having them or was okay with them. Anyway, something to think about and look into. Good luck!

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

Thank goodness for you, Moxie. We all need to hear this particular bit of "advice" regularly.

We all fall into the trap of "trying to do it right" because the stakes are so high...we love these children so much...we know the world is a tough place. But really, the only "right way" is to give them as much love and support as we can. That will look different for everyone. Which means eventually, someone will tell you you're doing it wrong. Listen with one ear (because they may have something useful to say), but know in your heart that you're a wonderful parent even if you (or your kid) don't fit the cookie cutter mold.

[pnuts mama]

***CONGRATS AMYINMOTOWN!!!!***
you had your baby boy!! (i knew, but felt weird coming here and sharing your news- so glad to see you here!!!)

@snickollet- if i remember your personal history of the past year or so, i have to say that what you are experiencing (grief over a long illness and then loss of your spouse) coupled with a small immediate support system for your toddler twins- well, any of those things would be overwhelming for anyone, let alone all three at once. the best suggestion i ever got while i was in the depths of grief was to be gentle on myself and lower my expectations for handling daily life/the loss/how long it all really takes to grieve and then adjust to the new normal.

as far as your needs balanced with the needs of your children are concerned, i wish there was an easy answer, but i really think that oftentimes the answer is a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day situation. sometimes you'll need to pick you, sometimes them (even choosing between them must be difficult!) and you have to just trust that in the long run, all will work out the way it is supposed to.
the very, very best of luck to you on your journey. take care.

[Julie]

Haven't read yet, but have to say something to Snickolett........take turns. Sometimes you get your needs met, sometimes your child will. It won't always be equally "one for me, one for you....." it might be more like "three for you, one for me" but it's a good life lesson for your child that you don't always have your needs met all the time. Take care of yourself too. I hope that you have some people IRL who can help you meet your needs *and* the needs of your child....but be kind to yourself and just take turns.

[caramama]

Yes... Congrats to AmyinMotown!!!!
(I already congratulated on your blog, but it can't be said enough, right???)

[hedra]

Maureen, keep in mind that my oldest is 10 1/2 years old. When he was a preschooler, I couldn't come up with that, either.

Keep reading. Talk to your partner about the problem(s), brainstorm. Ask each other to notice and remind each other when you're not lining up with the strategy. Ask each other to spot when the solution's not working. Brainstorm again. Accept the discomfort as a useful tool - I still mentally either wince or growl (and sometimes verbally snap) when my DH suggests that what I'm doing isn't working or isn't in line with what we'd discussed. But I know I'm angry at me, really. So I grit my teeth and try again. But to start, I didn't do so good even on that.

It doesn't come easy, and they keep changing out from under us. I'm just NOW catching up to what I consider a reasonable success rate. Not that I've been a total failure, as my oldest is clearly not carrying around huge wounds. But not quite followed by not quite was a huge part of his parenting for a long time.

There ARE other seasons, other cycles, and repeats. There are only a very few opportunities that come around only once, and we're pretty strongly driven to meet those (exposing them to language, for example). Don't get caught up in feeling you have to be doing it your right way THIS SECOND. You have a target 'right way', you know you want to get there, you are still figuring out how. That's okay, too.

As for the running away thing. That one makes my brain explode. We've had our generous share of crying frustrated kids and grit-teethed frustrated mommy. We've had the one-twin hitting me and screaming 'you're HURTING MY SISTER! STOP IT!' while I physically blocked the other sister from escaping the bathroom at toothbrushing time, bawling her heart out because she needs to be anywhere but here, doing anything but what I ask.

BUT, I have a great tip I picked up somewhere, that may help you figure out how to proceed. Whatever you feel is what they feel, right now. So, they're gleefully running away. For me, I feel scared, powerless, angry, thwarted. Okay, check. So, brainstorm: How to un-powerless the process for THEM? How to make it not about conflict with ME? How to un-thwart what they were doing before bedtime? We did a variety of things, most of which helped a little bit, and the rest was solved by them getting older (and growing a new set of issues, goody).

1) Made the timer be the bad-guy for when to go to bed. We bought a timer that has a red sweep to indicate time left, that gets smaller. Easier to grasp. Not ME thwarting you, it's the timer.
2) Had them tell us what was needed for bedtime, in what order, and whether the order was important. Made a little drawing of the tasks and order, and put it up in the bathroom. Again, the inanimate object says you have to brush your teeth. Not mommy. Plus, they helped set it up, so they have buy-in. When we're doing the drawing, we do a lot of 'okay, that's great, what else? What else is important to do before bed?' - not 'what else must you do' though you might be able to slip a few times on that before they notice. Then use that to remind them. By asking 'okay, tell me what's next?'
3) More them do it, less we do it. This is a big Montessori thing - if they're capable, help them less or not at all. Step stool so they can reach the faucet. We accidentally hit a useful tip when we replaced the bathroom faucet with a kitchen faucet fixture with one of those big lever arms - the kids can all use it easily. Toothbrush handy. Toothpaste with a flip lid, and a towel handy for them to clean up when they spill it everywhere. Etc. Knee-walk through the process, and find anything that doesn't work for you at that level, and fix it.
4) More time to do it all, so when they want to make it a game, there's time to do so. We honestly suck at this part, but it does help when we aim for it. We have dinner at 7, upstairs at 7:30, lights out at 8:15 as the standard. BUT, we're often heading upstairs at 8, whether that was because dinner started late or they were having SO much fun that we didn't notice the time, or whatever. Knowing we can do it reasonably without too much fighting in 45 minutes seems to help the kids understand the fretting when the time is short, too.
5) assign tasks for the parents, and at this point, probably assign child to the parent. Be ready to swap on the fly, but sometimes the 'I'm doing the toothbrushing thing' doesn't work because I'm handling it with four kids in series overlapping. Sometimes it has to be 'I'm walking M through the process, then B, meanwhile you're walking R through, and we'll swap G in on the gaps'.
6) Prevention is 90% of the process. Once I'm ticked, it takes a lot to get my control back. I can even know I'm losing it, and still lose it. I learned a lot about myself when I read the book The Explosive Child (for B, who was, um, really like me, and oh, DH a bit, too). Prevent prevent prevent, and the sooner into the vapor-lock phase you catch yourself, the easier it is to return to normal functioning brains. NOBODY thinks well when they're really locked up with their emotional reactions. NOBODY. Learning to spot my own signs of vapor-lock, that was huge. Once I'm there, it's no easier for me to get back out than it is for the typical toddler. The book is aimed at kids who have disabilities of various sorts, but it is a useful read for anyone who loses their temper (deals also with collaborative problem-solving, like P.E.T., but with different strategies to get out of the emotional stage and to where problem solving is even possible).

In the moment, the other thing that has helped me stop and pay attention better is getting rid of the last lingering bits of PPD. The supplement regimen I'm on right now involves fish oil (except the week before and during AF, as I bleed like crazy otherwise), korean ginseng, siberian ginseng, CoQ-10, a B complex vitamin, and Vitamin D. Oh, and sometimes SAM-e. (Not all of these may be bfing-friendly, but they're weaned, so I've jacked up the variety.) The utter inability to channel-change myself from rigid, inflexible, temper tantrum (I can be worse than any 3 year old) has a physiological aspect. Oh, and HFCS. Serious bad on the HFCS for me. Three days of no imagination and less temper control when I've had ANY. Probably some of the improvement in parenting for me has also been that I've shifted my diet to match up with the kids more. I may have fructose malabsorption, too (looks like IBS for some, depression for others), just no GI symptoms. Joy. But just taking it down a notch is a huge help.

So, hang in there. The skills did improve even without the diet change or supplements, but the track is accelerating at this point. Maybe just time, maybe experience, maybe diet, no way to run the alternate experiment for me. But maybe there's something here with which you can experiment, either from the prevention-heavy tips above, or something entirely different that suits your temperment better.

I truly did feel how you say - I know this stuff, but in the moment, why the HECK can I not remember it? Why can't I *do* it? But it did come. Keep slogging. It's a mucky route, no fooling. Parenting is messy work, and that's not just the external stuff.

[hedra]

Insert 'best friend/co-parent/other single moms' for 'partner' in the above. Teamwork helps, and I know I served as a partner/bouncing board for one of my closest single-mom friends, so I know it CAN be done solo, and I have something of a clue how challenging it can be to try, and how effective it can be as well. (Realized the above sounded pretty un-inclusive of our single-parent population, sorry!)

[meggiemoo]

My experience of the right way has been to learn all that I can: from experts, from my child, other parents (thank you all!), and myself.

(I second the nod to "Parent Effectiveness Training". That and "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" are such wonderful, practical guidebooks to parenting.)

My right way is to also be as empathetic as I can be, even when I'm tired, even when I don't want to be. My toddler isn't giving me a hard time because he wants to, he's genuinely in distress. I can ignore that, shut it down, or I can get down on his level and figure it out.

My right way is also to see the joy of being a mom every day. Yes, sometimes it's hard to find...sometimes it's only a small glimmer somewhere in the corner of the room, but it's there.

Lastly, my right way is to trust my Mama instincts. This was harder when DS was an infant and everyone and their mother was giving me advice. 2 years later, we roll the way we roll. I don't explain myself, or defend my parenting.

[Alison]

I have just printed this post out for my fridge door.

The "right way" at my house last night with my 4 month old was sleeping on the couch together. Everyone slept for 6 hours straight. We're taking it one nap at a time...

[Cloud]

Posts like these are why I love this site! The post is wise, and so are so many of the comments. Y'all help keep me sane.

I made a conscious effort to worry less about doing things "right" (I have a serious tendency towards overanalysis) and find the right way for us. I've been surprised at how well this effort worked. It may have something to do with getting wiser as a parent with time, too. Either way, I worry less about the experts and "messing up" than I did when Pumpkin was younger.

To those of you who have the same need to analyze- one thing that has helped me tremendously was the realization that the media often does a really, really bad job of reporting the limitations of studies. So something will come out with a headline like "Babies left to cry in cribs more likely to be sociopaths" and when you go and look at the actual study, it is based on data from an orphanage where the babies were never picked up and people are just extrapolating to the more usual situation of a parent with a loving, but human, caregiver. So now I take any media reports about parenting issues as interesting, but not instructive, and if I'm curious I go and find a more reliable information source.

And I keep telling myself that the human body (including the brain) is a remarkably resilient, self-regulating thing, and that I'm unlikely to "mess up" that badly.

[Mommie Mentor]

Way to sing the truth woman!

You've just reminded and empowered everyone reading this to be present and truthful with their parenting, their kids and themselves, way to go!
I don't think anyone can do any better than that.

[Charisse]

Oh thank you Moxie--I need to hear that like everybody else! I have this wonderful friend who's a childless pediatrician...and I probably don't need to tell the rest of the story.

The one that always gets me is "the right way to handle a stubborn kid"--i.e., make sure you, the parent, always stand firm and win so they learn that stubbornness won't work. Um, yeah...I just can't imagine having the energy to pull that off even if it is "the right way". Luckily I had a great conversation with my MIL (from whom Mouse inherits several key personality traits) about her own experience with a parent determined to be completely in control. Couldn't win verbally, had to go physical...and that had to keep escalating until she was a teenager being beaten regularly for impertinence--and it (of course) wrecked their relationship without changing her personality at all. Not a path I want to be on.

@hedra, thanks for continuing to share about the kids "growing out from under you"--it helps so much to know that you keep managing to pull it back together each time it happens. We've just progressed to a new stage of lawyerism based on pretty solid logic, i.e. "it's my room so I make the rules" (I'm guessing this is a 4-yo thing?) --and I love the growth, but man--emotionally respectful mental effort when I'm zonked is hard to do.

We had a rough evening last night that would have been much easier if I'd recognized what was going on. Mouse has recently started putting herself to sleep after a looong time of insisting on parent company. She has a cold right now (me too) so I figured she'd be down early, but she kept on talking, asking complicated questions (WHY is a cold a virus but I'm not throwing up like when you said I had a virus 2 weeks ago?), etc. Wouldn't admit to any discomforts or needs ( I asked about potty, hungry, different blanket, etc.), but wouldn't get in bed. I said "you know, it's OK if you want me to lie down with you like we used to"...wrong thing to say. She was furious and insisted she just wanted to sit in the chair and talk to me all night. Saying that wasn't an option just made her more upset; talking through "I have a problem" unfortunately didn't get much of anywhere--she agreed we had a problem. Finally, I asked, at about 10:05, "Mouse Middlename Lastname, *why* don't you want to go to sleep?" And she said she was scared of dreaming about a tiger, because she sleeps by herself now and she'd lost her purple squirt gun, which used to hold the tiger spray. O.K. We got some dream armor (mommy's t-shirt that has a friendly tiger on it) and she went right to sleep.

I had no idea she'd answer an open-ended question so cogently--I was trying to suggest all the possibilities, and I wasn't realizing that we'd crossed a threshhold where she needed me to help her find a safe way to be by herself, as opposed to just staying with her. I was frustrated and beating myself up for not figuring it out an hour earlier, but this post this morning just cheered me up!

[Nicole J.]

I try to remember that the "right way" is the one that works.

[Maureen]

Thanks so much Caramama and Hedra for the follow up/supportive comments.

We have been looking into the night terror thing for the one boy. Last night he got up 5 times and all five times were definitely not night terrors (he was way too in the momment) but some nights the episodes really seem to fit the night terror traits. The back and forth makes it really hard as the reaction to night terrors should be so much different than just a normal waking up from dreams or just waking up and wanting mom/blanket, etc.

Hedra - way too many details for the rest of the group, I'm sure, but here is the current nighttime routine (which on the most part is working great right up until the end). Dinner, a little playtime (we use the timer thing as an indication playtime is up - works great), clean up, PJs (the boys brush their teeth right after dinner so luckily we don't have to deal with that at this point), and then story time together in the big chair in the living room. Most nights the boys do get worked up/fired up during storytime (no matter how calm a book I pick) but it is still generally manageable at this point. Boys go to kiss their Budhas goodnight (don't ask...), and then they run into their dark (but with a nightlight) room where it would be time to put them in their cribs. This is where we shut down... they now have added to the routine a quick session of hide-n-seek where they hide together by the crib, my husband and I make a point of pretending we can't see them until they decide to "present" themselves. We then say, time for bed and go to pick them up. Both boys fight that and squirm away, push themselves into a corner, etc. - screaming the whole time. I went to grab one boy that was flopping and squeezing into the corner and in the process of trying to get ahold of him, I scraped his foot on the crib. Felt so bad - more tears. Both boys in their cribs at this point but both crying. Not the way I'd like to end what was otherwise a very pleasant family evening. Repeat this each night (without the scrape but an occassional head bump on the floor, etc.).

I'm going to check out the Playful Parenting book... sounds interesting and what I'd like my style to be. And I think the Explosive Child sounds like a good read for me to help keep my emotions in check.

I have the fish oil vitamins but only took them once as I then burped fish the whole day (yuck!)... but on the 60 day challenge I read about the trick of putting them in the freezer, so I going to start trying that.

Thanks again....

[Shandra]

Bravo Moxie. I've had to redefine that a lot in my life ("the good daughter") but parenting brings it all up again because the stakes are so high. Or feel high sometimes.

@snickolett - You know that "put your oxygen mask on first" thing? That is where you are right now. You have my full permission to take some space, if you need anonymous permission.

I think your son is old enough that you can express it to him verbally and he'll catch on pretty quickly. (I see hedra said the same.) If you can invent a "together-but-apart" ritual that might help but the main thing is just to tell him the truth. "Honey I see that you need a cuddle. Mommy needs to (lock herself) be in the bathroom for 10 minutes right now, so she will put on this music for you and be right back."

I need space sometimes for various reasons and my son is just a bit older than your two and very cuddle-dependent, but he gets it now. His thing to do right now while I am chilling out is play with dried rice; the feel of it in his fingers is soothing. I ask him what he wants to do while I chill out (now that he gets it) and he picks something. On my end, I chill out where he can see me (different room, with a sightline).

[sam]

A very timely post for me. Some of my pre-parenting ideals have had to be modified/abandoned and I often carry a huge amount of guilt about whether I am getting it 'right' or not. I'm like you, Cloud, I over analyse. My mum is just so laid back, totally went with her parenting instincts and enjoyed (and still enjoys) (almost) every minute of it. I wish I could be more like that (I think access to the internet can fuel my paranoia).

I need to take some time to read all these posts and have a think. One thing I do know, becoming a parent has changed me.

Oh, and I sometimes feel that in order to effectively meet your child's needs, you have to meet your own need first.

[Lisa]

Maureen, an idea re the bedtime running away (from my husband, the Playful Parenting genius): Turn it into a nightly ritual game of chase.

For us it's usually around getting dressed/undressed - we chase T. all over the house saying "I'm gonna catch that baby up!" (line from a favorite kids' book). He runs and squals and giggles, and we wave the PJs around and "try" to catch him but fail miserably - letting him slip through our legs or behind our backs, etc. When everyone is good and tired out, we scoop him up and give him kisses on his belly and toes, throw him over our shoulders, etc. Then we head back to the bedroom and put on the clothes.

A similar tactic worked with the issue of "Mine!" - DH turned it into a silly game, and the whole power struggle was transformed into silliness, evaporating in a few days. So much better than when every time was a potential battle.

[Lisa]

Ah, we crossed posts. Maureen, since you already have some games in there, maybe try shuffling the order of things a bit so as to break the pattern of "after hide-and-seek it's time for resistance"?

[Julie]

@Maureen, I agree with Lisa. I think switch it up would be a good idea. And if they try to do it again after the story and right before bed, instead of pretending you can't find them, just *find* them pick them up and hug them and *keep talking* in the style of a 3 year old about all the interesting things you did that day. I find that if I just start motormouthing interesting stuff, it derails whatever he might be amping up about.

You also might try reading the story in their room? If they're already there, there isn't anywhere left for them to run (and be chased). Story.....then lights out and into bed.

Also....if they're old enough (I forget how old they are) perhaps part of Hedra's "I have a problem and you have a problem" idea might help. "I like this game and you like this game, but the time in which we're doing it isn't working for me because...." and go from there.

For the record, we do a lot of chase the baby at this time of day too. My husband instigates most of it b/c wouldn't you know....this is the time of day that Alex is at his absolute *funnest*.

[Maureen]

Me again... I feel like I say "Yeah, but" all the timeso here it goes - we've tried moving the hide and seek to before stories, have a great time, they wear out and are ready for stories and then we move on to going to bed and they go through the exact same thing about the hide and seek even though they already played it and we explained ahead of time about moving the time so it wouldn't be right at bedtime. We still went through all the thrashing, flopping, crying, etc. Ugh.

Anyway, not trying to take over this post (I promise) so we'll move on... I really feel for you Snickolett. You've gone through so much. I hope you hang in there and give yourself permission to take "me" time (I know it is sooo hard when it doesn't align with what your child(ren) want at that time) and lean on your family and friends.

[Gretchen]

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get this post tattooed on my forehead, so I won't forget it. Having just lived through the Cabin Fever Teething Two Year Old Day From Hell yesterday, anything that tells me I'm doing a good job is welcome. At this point, I figure if both of us are alive at the end of the day, that's enough - anything else can be fixed later. ;)

[hedra]

Maureen, what I see is that there was a slight rule change (the game), and they interpreted that as a much larger rule change than you did, and being kids, they did not assume that this fits in with the old program (new rule, new program! does not automatically end with BED), possibly with some age-appropriate bedtime resistance thrown in. So, you want to play a little, then get them back on track, and they want to play a little, play a lot more, and play some more after that. Bed? what bed?

You're all okay until it gets to the actual getting in bed point, yes? So, there's where to start, I guess. I've done various things around exactly the same issue (I let the kids dance on the bed, that means they are now jumping on the bed and I'm telling them that if they don't stop they're going to have to sleep on the floor because I CANNOT SLEEP if you're jumping on the bed, even though I said it was okay to dance five minutes ago, and dangit I *know* you didn't know not to extrapolate from one joy to the next, argh! and now they're crying and saying they want to sleep on the bed, and when I say okay, okay, I jumped the gun, I'm sorry, that wasn't nice of me, broke the rules... they start jumping on the bed again. ARGH.)... Um, uh, where was I?

Right, the 'now they think it is time to play, so what's next?' - I haven't (yet) read Playful Parenting, but I do find humor is a huge resource when I'm getting frustrated. Also, I'm recalling that toddlers LOVE secrets and whispering as much as yelling and leaping about, so to get them to 'tone down' I go to whispers and telling them secrets (usually 'I love you'). They automatically shift body language to sneaking, with that, too. So perhaps play into the process that the hide and seek is a sneaking/whispering game? Or play that out longer, and slowly go from a squealing/hyper game to a calm game. Or, set them up to play peekaboo across the cribs from each other in their cribs, and leave them to it, with kisses. Or, switch it up with discussion, and move the peekaboo to what is currently reading time (since that gets them wound up anyway), and morph reading time to last thing in bed (but maybe singing instead of reading for a bit? Something that will be more calming).

I'd love to say that I read to my kids at bedtime, but I don't - my kids brains go apeshit over reading. NOT a calming activity! I can sometimes sing to them. But mainly, reading is for breakfast, or while we're waiting for G's club to be over so I can pick him up from after-care (we're half-way through a good sized youth novel!). Or weekends, etc. But not ever bedtime, unless we have a LOT of time to spare to wind them back down again, or I can get them totally on their own (I can sometimes keep it calm with one if I'm reading separately to them, but not together!).

Anyway, I think you have some good plans/ideas, and it is really just one point where your goals/expectations and their goals/expectations have diverged. Find a way to either stick with theirs, or help them not diverge, or create a nice smooth loop back to yours. Even simple stuff like using the right words may help - calling it a bedtime game, maybe. Some kind of cue...

I'm reminded of an old song by ... hmm... Ferron, I think (ah, old feminist music!): Sometimes I mind, specially when I'm waiting on your heart, that life don't clickety-clack down a straight line track it, it come together and it come apart.

[hedra]

Oh, Charisse, thanks for reminding me about the lawyer mode. Um, that's gonna be a scary one with these two girls... Sigh. But yeah, remember that, and normal!

[hedra]

Ah, and I see that's maybe not the answer, either.

In which case, just keep floundering about like the rest of us until they either outgrow it or you find the answer? :wince:

[attiton]

As others have mentioned, sometimes I do like to think that I'm doing things "right" and I'm not ashamed to say it! However, what I do try to do is remind myself that I very often use the word "right" where I should use the word "comfortable."

For me, the "right" way is the one that feels comfortable to me. When I behave in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, that is not "right."

[Maureen]

Hedra, I love you! I'm going to try out the transition from hide n seek to hide n seek in their crib. Great! We do do a non-book story (made up, but same general construction-truck based story) once they are in bed and then a rendition of Rock A Bye Baby. So the transition to hide n seek in the cribs and then the song to calm them down. I'm actually optimistic about this idea! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Yeah, the reading time used to be so calm and great one on two time (me plus the boys) but it has definitely progressed to something much more "active". Sadly (but at the same time not so sadly because I too love that time) it is an integral part of the boys bedtime and one I can't imagine them accepting to give up at this point.

[rudyinparis]

Hi Maureen,

As soon as I read your post I thought of Playful Parenting, too. It's clear that you keep trying new angles and I for one am confident that one of these days something will click and it will be maybe that you found the right method, or your little ones hit the development mark or a combination of those things. So hang in there and keep trying new things! You'll find it.

In general, the problem as I see it with hanging on to the concept of a "right way" is that you can quickly paint yourself into corner. You limit your own options. And this can result in what Charisse's MIL experienced. I had--HAD--to let go of my idea of "the right way" because I could see it all too easily devolving to me using force against my kid. And nothing is worth that. So I surrender, you know? Help or harm. Is it Charisse, or Caramama, or Shandra that says that, about choosing to help or choosing to harm. Playful Parenting also helped me choose to help rather then harm. It gave me license to be silly. It gave me license to give up, when sticking to whatever I was gosh-dang-it-needing-to-stick-to-otherwise-they'll-never-do-a-thing I-ask would result in harm. So I don't do it the right way a lot of the time. Oh well. Life can be messy that way, I guess.