Q&A: smoking grandmother

Jessica writes:

"Since my daughter was born 9 months ago, I've dreaded dealing with this particular issue. My mother-in-law is a chain-smoker (one is lit at all times) and fills her house with cigarette smoke and scented candles, thinking that the candles mitigate the smell of the smoke. It does not in any way. I've dutifully visited her with my husband before I was pregnant and even during my pregnancy for short visits, but now that my baby is born, I feel so strongly that I do not want to expose my child to the secondhand smoke. My MIL would not smoke in the baby's presence, but the second-hand smoke is in the air regardless. It hangs in the air and is unavoidable.

There are many problems here. My husband thinks we should just bring the baby and visit her "to keep the peace."  He is afraid of rocking the boat, of confronting her on this issue. (She is also an alcoholic and her family enables her bad habits. No one wants to confront her because she is irrational and makes her family members feel guilty for not taking care of her).  My husband understands that secondhand smoke is terrible to be exposed to, but he sees little harm in short visits. It is causing lots of tension between us. I just want him to advocate for our child, and he says that by doing so, he would effectively end the relationship between us and his mother.  He is so torn and I feel terribly for him because he feels he has to choose between his mother or me and our baby.

Part of me dies when I think of exposing my daughter's little body to a known carcinogen just to "keep the peace." I even talked with her pediatrician at her 6-month visit who said that my MIL should just visit us at our house and that we should not expose our baby to second-hand smoke. My MIL only lives one hour away but acts like we live across the country and does not want to make the drive to our house.
We have gotten away with not visiting her thus far because our baby vehemently hated car rides as a small infant and we just said we weren't traveling with her anywhere. But my MIL knows that the baby is getting better in the car and is pressuring us to bring her out for a visit.

The other key issue is that my MIL and I do not have a good relationship and never have, and I am afraid that this is going to set us back even farther. For the sake of my husband and my daughter, I want to have a functional relationship with my MIL.

Am I being too over-protective?  Is my mother bear instinct getting in the way of what's right in terms of family? Do I just suck it up and bring my baby over there?  Or can I stand my ground and say that it is not right to expose our daughter to the second-hand smoke, even at her grandmother's expense? I truly want to foster a relationship between my daughter and her grandmother, but my daughter's health is (and should be!) my priority.

Please help."

This is definitely a rock and a hard place. If your daughter was 10, you could deal with the smoke for a very brief visit. But so many of her body systems are still developing. OTOH, this could be the final rift between your family and your husband's mother, and it sounds like your husband just isn't willing to stand up to his mother.

First off, when the dust settles on this, you might try to get your husband in to see a counselor with you about some of the issues with his mom. Or at the very least try to get him to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two. Growing up with an alcoholic is serious business, and is going to affect his instincts and parenting in so many ways that it'll be the best investment he could ever make in his daughter's well-being to get some clarity on how he's been hurt by his mom's addictions and how he can recover from that.

Now. There's got to be a weaselly way around this so you don't have to put the hammer down without support. Could you go see them but meet someplace else? "We really want to take you out for a special brunch because of everything you do for us." Or could you stall for a few more months until the weather is warm and then go but stay outside the entire time? "Our pediatrician says the fresh air is the best thing for her at this age."

You really can't go and put your daughter into the smokehouse. Your pediatrician advises against it. And, frankly, anything that makes you feel like part of you dies just thinking about it is something you shouldn't do, even if no one else backs you up.

Readers, any way around this one? She needs to keep the peace (at least at this point), but not expose her daughter to the house.

(Is anyone else thinking that this question is more difficult even than the one about the pot-smoking grandparents? What is it with flaming sticks and in-laws?)

Comments

[hedra]

Oh, and all that still might not work AT ALL. But at least at that point you know you're clean/clear. You'll model the importance of the issue, even if it is never resolved. You can value the relationship of grandparent that never evolved into an actual one by making the effort and then grieving the loss honestly.

[m]

Wow--what Hedra wrote about grandparents I thought was brilliant. I really did not think of it in that way before, how they don't know that role either, and must learn it just like we learn to be parents. Thanks, Hedra.

[Laura]

My SIL forced my brother to give my father and ultimatum: either you address and CHANGE the drinking, or we will not be able to bring the children to your home nor can you babysit them at our home again. She included my mother in this. At the time, I was pregnant and wanted nothing to do with the drama. But it was HANDS DOWN the best thing that ever happened to our family.

4 years later, and my father is a happier, healthier person than he had been for most of my childhood. My parents' marriage is better, their finances are better-- EVERYTHING.

My SIL came from a background where she had seen alcoholism and addiction destroy lives and relationships and she was determined to not let this happen to her children and equally determined to keep them safe. Her strength and determination was a gift to our entire family.

Obviously it helped that everyone acknowledged both that there was a problem and the potential for a change. There were awkward moments, difficult holidays. But it was all worth it... even the family therapy bills (gulp!)

[cheryl]

Great comments Hedra. I just want to follow-up with one point that you touched on.

The MIL/DIL relationship is unique - on top of all of this. As mothers, no matter how equal and healthy our relationship with our husbands, we are likely more of the gatekeeper over our children - particularly in the first year. MILs are struggling to find their voice and role. And whether you have a good or bad relationship with your MIL, they have a hard time accepting that your relationship with them may be different than the one you have with your own mother. Therefore, they start treating you and your role as parent as they would if you were their daughter (in my experience). Generally, that sort of response won't sit well with us DILs.

I learned this the hard way. MIL and I do get a long quite well, Hubby has a very good relationship with her as well. But I felt like I was constantly having to remind her to respect certain decisions that Hubby and I made when it came to the Monster, but Hubby would not have to. One day I snipped at her when I told her yet again not to do something and she snapped back. Crying ensued on her part, I fumed, and then we started talking. She admitted that she had to learn to talk to me about her granddaughter differently than she would talk to her daughter. Whereas her daughter could be more forceful or say certain things, I was respectful in a different way because of our relationship roles. I'm not going to tell her I think she's full of sh#$, whereas her daughter might without offense. Therefore, MIL thought I was just hassling her or agreeing with her and not saying anything. Kind of funny because I am well-known to be rather blunt. But it all about what we want to hear, not what is said.

Since then things have improved greatly. I've even learned to let a few things that bothered me slide. Grandma only sees her every month or so, so there is really no harm done on certain issues. And, as many have said, Grandmas and Grandpas have their own relationships with our kids - we can't control all of that either.

[wendy]

Forgive me if I'm repeating anything here, I haven't read all of the responses. I wanted to add that it was (and still is) a real struggle for me to remember that my husband is not a conduit through which I form a relationship with my MIL. His relationship with his Mom is his business and my relationship with her is mine. While we clearly have not had the same degree of conflict you are experiencing, we have dealth with some pretty sticky situations. Like pp said, if you are having issues with DH not backing you up then deal with that separately. It is not his responsibilty to broker a relationship between you and her. You need to pull a big ol' Mamma bear here and just say it how it is. Your daughter's well being MUST supercede your desire to keep peace. Sorry for the brevity of this post I'm nak...

[Lisa F.]

I too have so many thoughts as this is a topic close to home unfortunately. My MIL is an active alcoholic, chain smoker and addicted to anti-anxiety meds. She has been house bound for I don't know how long. ditto what someone said about how brain damaged someone with this disease is. From my research & experience, she (my MIL) is self-medicating, for anxiety, and for other mental health issues.

*Sometimes* I can feel great compassion for her, but other times when my husband (an only child) and I are struggling w/issues that stem from growing up as a child of an alcoholic, or when she has one of her dramatic stunts (overdosing when my son was 10 days old, she was 'celebrating', overdosing *again* when my son was 7 months old & we were on an emergency trip up there because my dad had almost died) I would be glad to cut her off. but we would still have issues, even if she wasn't *in* our life. And we live in the south & she lives in Maine so we only ever see her when we go up annually, AND she needs her schedule SO badly that we only ever see her for an hour at lunchtime every few days.

I took my 7 month old into her home, dreading the smoke smell and possible damage to him (she doesn't smoke around us, & runs some fancy Sharper image air purifier, but the smell is IN everything, beautifully mixed w/potpourri, blech. even clean laundry reeks of it.) she's got wall to wall carpeting, and has her wallpaper WASHED periodically to get the nicotine stains off. UGH. Half the time we see her, she's gorked out of her mind, and it's so sad, and frustrating.

so with that backstory, I have to second (third, fourth...) Al-Anon, for your husband, or FOR YOU. I wouldn't have your husband bring her to your home. I would blame the ped and arrange to meet her out (wish we could do this!), or IF you decide to visit at her home, change clothes, etc. the minute you're out the driveway.

I think it's important to talk calmly w/your husband about this & come together as a family to make a decision about it. But you are your daughter's mother & as gatekeeper, you need to make your best decision & go with it. AND you can always ALWAYS change your mind. Even if you compromise & agree to go there, if you get there & it's freaking you out & seems too awful, find a way to leave. You will all get through this.

It's a horrible horrible disease. I am so sorry your family has to deal with it. You're taking good steps, and getting wonderful support & advice here. Good luck!

[pnuts mama]

hedra- that comment about grands needing to navigate their new roles is one of the most thoughtful things i've ever read.

so right on about "generic spoiling" vs. "spoiling in specific ways"- it made me think of my own grandma, god bless her, a woman with her own problems (and a chain smoker)- who i spent so much of my childhood with on weekends and vacations- she spoiled me with the gift of allowing me to be myself, relax, and have room to breathe. i lived with her brother and sil and it was tough for me to not feel suffocated under their (well meaning) strict structure- my grandma always gave me the gift of feeling respected as a person by her- what i'm saying is she spoiled me emotionally, which can be as valid as the ways that you mentioned.

i think for me the bottom line as to protecting my kids from anyone that they have a right to a relationship with would probably be on a sliding scale of safety- physical safety is paramount (as in, real danger could happen if i left the room) all the way down to emotional/mental safety, depending in my kids age. for jessica, if the visits are short and supervised by her and her husband, little harm will come physically, and it would probably increase the chances of building bridges for emotional relationships to form.

if the mil is super-manipulative (as many addicts are), i'd advise jessica to look into some research that al-anon (or similar type alcohol-rehab facilities) could provide so you could be aware of common minefields to avoid and how to deal with them, just to be aware of how tricky addicts can be.

also, as much as i know we try to protect our kids from anything we can, sometimes it's hard to trust that in their lives they'll also have to go through their own growing pains and need to experience their own heartaches to become the people that they are. that's not to say to intentionally put them in harms way- but i give my own parents a lot of credit for allowing me (and probably encouraging me) to have a relationship with my biodad even though they must have known what an idiot he is. and they allowed me to figure it out on my own (which i did, in high school) and they still never badmouthed him to me- no matter what i said about him as i worked out my feelings/our relationship. so there is that side to it, too.

[Marta]

I have the same problem, but it's my sister in law and my father in law that smoke.
No matter what I do with that side of the family, I can't seem to win.
When my DS was a baby, we had a picnic with them and I kept him in the ergo with me so if someone lit up, we were walking around away from the smoke.
I also wrapped him in an extra blanket to protect him from the chemicals on their clothes each time he was held by one of them.
When we couldn't put it off any longer, we went for one dinner at their house. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT, and eventually, I took him out to the car a little early when it was time to go. He was fussy, and no one really cared.
In Laws, man. I know it's a tough road for all of us, and I can't tell you how much I support you and feel for you on this one.
Do your best, try to find a solution (there are some good ideas in the comments- I vote for the one where you make it your fault and build her up, yada, yada, yada)and remember, if you can keep the peace, it will make your relationship with them as good as it is now in the future.
Good luck! Marta

[Allison]

"But I feel like the benefits of having a relationship with her grandmother will far outweigh the risks of occasional secondhand smoke dust."

Not to judge the grandma... but a relationship with an alcoholic, chain-smoking, inflexible, uncompromising, stubborn person is more important than protecting your child from cancer? Second hand smoke isnt just a risk, it LITERALLY CAUSES CANCER. Yes, usually a little exposure won't hurt them much, but there is no way to say how much is just under the limit.

The grandma is an adult who can make choices.

The baby cannot.

[hedra]

@cheryl, thanks, you've highlighted something I only kind of had by the fringes, that difference in relationships. I can see it easily with my own mom and SIL, but seeing it with my MIL was harder. I don't have any ongoing issues with her, but we're always kind of shifting around trying to find the complete mesh. And now I think I know why! We're still trying (after 15 years) to fit each other into the biological relations space... just a little. And it doesn't fit, and gets awkward, and then it bounces back out of line again.

@pnuts mama, I'm so glad you pointed out the emotional-space role... I'm also thinking that just plain 'leisure' is a huge gift they can provide intentionally. Not 'random entertainment' but actual slowed down pace, time to think, time to be.

I absolutely agree with you that a little room to learn the issues for ourselves is a gift, life lesson, and important experience, not to mention so respectful of our kids as people. My mom did the same for me with my dad - he's pretty great now that he's been through all his work, but ... we had some bad encounters at times. My mom was honest about him, but always leaned toward the positives. She let me drive the relationship reconnection after years of distance, gave me free rein to visit and talk any time, please do, it's YOUR relationship with him, not mine. She trusted me to handle it, though she did check in on me occasionally to see if I was doing okay - backstopped, not intrusive.

And that gave me the courage to fight for a REAL relationship. I've had to put some real work into it - I've insisted on being respected rather than just being loved - and he's stepped up. Without the space to try that, it would not have happened - he wasn't willing to press, for fear of losing the little contact he had. But I'd been given permission to own it, and I wasn't about to let it go to waste.

So, um, big YES on that point from me!

[Kel]

What a wonderful conversation.

I just wanted to add a bit of encouragement for being the gatekeeper.

I grew up experiencing the holidays (the time when my dysfunctional family got together) as horrifying. The men in my family are traditionally the drinkers and the women codepend.

I didn’t have children until my forties, and in retrospect, I’m sure that part of the reason was so I would not have to deal with many of these issues (most of that generation has passed). Or rather deal with those issues face to face with team-have-another-drink, I’ve faced them in other venues (yeah for Al-Anon and therapy).

But my generation is unfortunately doing its part to keep some family traditions alive. My step-brothers (mother’s current husband) are both very low functioning, alcoholic/drug addicted men in their late thirties and early forties. Our first few family gatherings in the new configuration (Mom and husband have been together for five years) were repeats of the experiences I had as a child with louder and louder, angry, inappropriate (toward my teenage nieces) comments and behaviors.

Without making a huge deal of it, I said to my mother that while I appreciated my stepdad’s desire to see his children at the holidays, I had already done my share of holidays with the loud and the angry and would not expose my kids to the same.

Without drama (that I had to see), they get together with “the boys” at different times. I’m sure as the years go on there will be some gatherings of the whole clan, but just stating my “rules” as gatekeeper for my children’s health and well being was heard. It felt great.

Good luck.

Kel

[liz]

It wasn't about smoking, but we did have a blow-up in my family over something similar that was really about control issues.

The message from the family elder (my side) was, "We will be doing it this way and if you don't comply to the letter you will not be forgiven."
Our (my) message back was, "We are happy to spend that time in that place with you but we would like to make one change because we have experience with the way you have planned it and it doesn't work for us."
Their response was silence for two weeks.
My response was cancelling the whole thing. I was not going to put forth effort to do 99% of what she wanted (which I didn't want to do) just to get the "it's not good enough" treatment from her.

Upshot was, the rest of the family complied with her wishes. The one thing we wanted to change ended up being a huge fiasco, proving us right. And now we have a much better relationship with her and she is much more willing to compromise.

[Katherine]

Lots of comments, and no time to read the priors. I'll just say that my situation is very similar, except it's my stepmom who smokes, not my MIL. Oh - and they live an hour away and like you, complain that it's sooooo far, yet it's okay for us to drive it. *sigh*

My husband feels ill within five minutes of being at my dad & stepmom's. I feel horrible exposing my four year old and one year old to the air pollution in their house. I hate how we all reek of smoke when we leave.

Our solution? We do our best to visit with them somewhere nearby. We'll meet at my sister's house (she lives nearby), or in the summer we meet at the park, or sometimes at a restaurant.

Recently, I've had to squelch my momma bear instincts and we've visited them at their house. Both of them have some pretty serious health issues and they just aren't mobile. I hate it. I hope I'm not doing my kids too much harm. It's a sucky situation. My sympathies to you.

[Mommy-O]

Wow, what a huge conversation and so many issues and thoughtful comments. Just when I think, "If I were in that situation I would do..." and someone else would make a comment to make me think of it from another point of view. What an awesome, diverse bunch of parents!

Hedra, thank you so much for the book referrals. I just put them on hold at my library. I read Love is a Choice ages ago which really opened my eyes to boundary issues and to figure out that I am getting reinforcement of some kind from unhealthy relationships. I haven't read a lot on codependency since. I think it's time. I am also considering approaching my husband to go to counselling with me to deal with some of our family issues together.

Also thank you for the wonderful comments about learning to be a grandparent. With your permission, I would like to print off some of your comments to share with my mom and MIL. I think they will feel a sense of relief from reading your words.

As for the smoking granny - I was so lucky that my mother smoked outside, even though she lived alone. Once the grandkids came along she quit. My concern wasn't just exposing my kids to the smoke but having them see their grandmother smoking.

I like Lisa's idea of blaming the doctor and if you can reference any smoking related illnesses in the family history, all the more powerful your position. I am a big believer in giving people the chance to do the right thing. If you don't say anything then she will assume everyone is OK and carry on and no one can blame her. At least if you bring it up from the dr. point of view, she hopefully won't feel picked on and may even change - I know more unlikely than likely but who knows.

Another way of thinking is if we just go along with situations that make us uncomfortable for the sake of the relationship, what happens as our kids get older should they become uncomfortable with the situation? How will they feel empowered to stand up for their beliefs if we don't, especially in a situation that has potentially been going on for years?

Good luck with this one Jessica.

[janisfan]

There's been research that shows that even "third-hand smoke" (the ash that settles on everything the smoke lands on in tiny minute particles) causes asthma/cancer etc. Worse, this third hand smoke is almost impossible to get rid of. Even washing machines don't get it all. This means that if she visits you or in any way has contact with baby she needs a clean pair of clothes preferably kept at your place and to wash her hands thoroughly before any contact with your baby.

As a certified smoking cessation specialist, I can tell you that those "health education" commercials sponsored by the tobacco ads? They don't even tell half the truth about cigarette smoke and its lasting long term effects on the smoker, the smoker's family, and the entire community around them.

I am sorry but I say keep her away as much as possible from it. Her lungs, heart, ears, reproductive organs, and brain will thank you for it.

[Slim]

I have difficult in-laws, and I generally agree that it's best for the kids to form as many ties as possible with people who love them, so I suck it up. We go to their filthy, un-child-safe house because I can chase my kids around and keep them safe, then give them baths afterwards. We eat their hideous, unhealthful food because my MIL wants to be the hostess, at least occasionally. I make the noncommital Mmhmm noise when they criticize our parenting, and say mildly "That's not true" or "I think that came out wrong" when they make statements contrary to our values, because I have the rest of my time with our kids to make sure that our values do get through.

The thing is, this woman's house sounds like it is not just the home of a smoker but a reeking pit of nicotine. When we were in the throes of my son't milk allergy, we stopped making nice about my ILs food, because we couldn't trust them to keep dairy out of my system and (and thus his).

I would never insist that they live up to my standards in order to have a relationship, but some things cross the line from icky hassle to actual risk to health, and it sounds as though that's what we're dealing with here.

[hedra]

@Mommy-O, I post knowing that once it is out there, it's out there. I ask people to keep my name (or at least my internet name!) associated with what I write, as a copyright issue, but it is open-access, print as you like.

[Ashley]

This is not meant to be an attack in anyway. Believe me. I'm asking because I was very much in the same predicament. I almost wrote in to Moxie about it, actually.

My question is this: Is Jessica using the secondhand smoke argument to keep her child away from her mother-in-law because she doesn't really want to her daughter to have a relationship with her mother-in-law because she herself doesn't particularly like her mother-in-law?

Wow, long sentence. Sorry about that. Let me explain.

My MIL is a chain-smoking, crack smoking, IV drug user who used to sell my husband's toys when he was a kid to buy drugs. She put and continues to put everyone around her at risk. She continues to take drugs. She lies. I find it very hard to say anything redeeming about her. I have grown to really dislike her from the stories I've been told about her. My husband grew up in and out of foster homes, he was abused. It's a mess. The bad news is she hasn't changed. She's still the same. The good news is, we live VERY far apart. Well, I had a baby girl. Of course she wanted to meet my daughter. I said NO WAY to flying down. So, she takes a train up to us. (She can't fly because she has no ID because she's wanted by the police. I seriously can't make this stuff up and it reads like I am.) My husband paid to bring her here. We argued about it for weeks leading up to her visit. I didn't know it at the time but I used the smoking bit as a way of trying to get out of it. I hit a nerve with my husband (who hates smoking with a passion). He told her she could not smoke and the moment she tries to, she'll be sent home on the next train. We continued to argue about it. It was later I realized that it wasn't really about the smoking at all, it was that I don't trust or like her. The thought of her doing the things she had done to my husband to my baby - someone I'd die for - was too much for me. I love him. I love my daughter, but I will probably never, ever love my mother-in-law. Honestly, and this is going to sound horribly cold-hearted, I'm OK if my daughter never gets to know her.

I guess the only advice I have is if it really is about the smoking, then to ask your husband to ask her to come to you. You're only an hour apart, go pick her up maybe? If she really wants to see her granddaughter, she'll make the trip, right?

[Meg]

It's definitely a harder issue than the grandparents who smoke pot, because cigarettes are unhealthy, but not illegal. Any decision to avoid cigarette smoke is, for some reason, taken personally by the smoker (how dare anyone question their choices?) It's sad that it's more acceptable to question a mother's choice to avoid secondhand smoke than it is to question another person's choice to smoke around a child.

[amy]

Having my MIL (both heavy smokers) over to our house is the solution we've gone with, but don't fall into the trap that it's a perfect one.

1. My MIL *still* complains that my daughter never visits her at her house.
2. When my MIL comes over, she hard-core chain smokes all the way here (a 45-minute drive) and then sits in her car and sucks back one more before coming in. The result is that she walks in smelling even worse than her house.
3. She needs to "step out" about once an hour while she's over (her visits are usually in the range of 3-4 hours), and the result here is a refreshment of #2.

No matter what my husband or I say, she doesn't understand that secondhand smoke continues to exist after the cigarette is put out.

I'll admit that I've only read the first chunk of comments, so forgive me if this repeats what's already been said. Good luck to all of us dealing with this or any other in-law disagreement. They all stink.

[Cybertron]

There is so much excellent input on this topic!

Another $.02: I, too, grew up with a mother who was very unhealthy in numerous ways. The poor woman just never had a chance to love herself -- she lived a lifetime of abuse, numerous awful health problems, substance addiction (particularly alcohol and chain-smoking), depression, probably some other undiagnosed mental illnesses... one misery after another.

Her behavior was similar to what Jessica describes. She had a desire and very human need for love and companionship. With so little self-worth, though, she didn't believe that anyone wanted to be close to her, and so she used emotional weapons (guilt, covert and explicit threats, bullying, etc.) to engineer it and "make" people come to her. She tended to lash out with her feelings when she felt vulnerable, and was quite irrational and difficult to communicate with. This continued and became even worse after she and my father divorced. Of course, I didn't know what to do with any of this when I was young. I recognized her need and despair, but I didn't have a vocabulary for it; I was so angry at the emotionally controlling way she treated me, that I didn't feel any incentive to offer her empathy or tenderness. And those things, precisely, are what she needed most -- there's the rub. Neither of us could distance from the cycle enough to recognize it fully, let alone think about ways to break it.

Anyway... it definitely sounds like there are codependent patterns here, and my heart aches for everyone involved. The smoke is a huge deal (and I think Jessica is absolutely right to draw the line), but that problem is only one piece of a difficult, rocky emotional landscape, and there are many power struggles that existed long before Jessica and the new baby came into the family.

I don't mean to make assumptions, and of course I don't know the people involved, but... my interpretation is that, overall, the MIL has little self-esteem, and a very human fear of not being needed or wanted, and tends to seek validation by provoking reactions and crafting ultimatums, similar to what my mother did. The lady may be completely obnoxious, but it's still understandable that she would need to know that she's a positive force in her grandchild's life (and, of course, in the lives of her own children). She might need to feel valuable and useful and connected, even though her ways of trying to meet those needs clearly aren't healthy right now.

It's tricky with someone who has a big emotional fortress like this, and I definitely know that it's not always easy to find the good in someone who's... well, a diamond in the rough, shall we say. Perhaps there's a way to surprise her with validation or a compliment now and then... meaning that she'd find it hard to interpret it as a direct response to something she demanded or required. Perhaps she would appreciate being asked for advice about some little thing, or asked for help with some little project or a plan -- not necessarily put into a position of authority, but included. Perhaps your husband could bring her to your house (with a clear understanding of the "smoke outside and air yourself out before coming back in" rule that applies to all visitors, not just her), and the family could prepare a meal together on a comfy Sunday afternoon. Perhaps she has a personal interest (reading? crafts? a TV show she likes?) that could make good "neutral" conversation -- a low-level connection that isn't directly tied to the emotional strings, but is pleasant nonetheless, and a way to "be in touch." It could also help pave the way toward activities that the family can share on some kind of neutral ground.

I don't mean to insinuate that this sort of thing could solve the whole problem. But perhaps it could help reduce some of the negative power of the web that's in place. I do think that sometimes, when we're caught in cycles of defending ourselves against someone who is hurting us, one of the strongest ways to help break patterns is to try to step away from the defense, and to offer some sweetness, without judgment or expectation about how the person will respond. It feels good to show love, and it also feels good to receive love. The good intent might be missed or thrown back in our faces, and the efforts might never actually be returned in kind, and that hurts... but it doesn't change the fact that love was offered and intended, and that you've stepped outside the cycle.

Regarding the smoking, it does sound like the MIL might have knowingly offered a couple of steps (the scented candle attempts, not smoking in the baby's presence). Granted, they ain't much, and I definitely still wouldn't take a baby into that environment, or want to be in there myself. But, if her self-esteem is low, she might fear that you think of her (not just the habit) as gross or smelly, which might contribute to her feeling defensive and stubborn about the visits. (Smoking was a big issue between my mom and me for ages, too. She took my resistance to it very personally, and I eventually realized that I should have made a specific effort to be more loving about it. I'm pretty sure I projected some degree of disgust, even though I didn't mean to, and I'm sure no one would respond well to that.)

As a peace offering, perhaps the MIL would like to have these attempts recognized and praised, and the explanation could help show her that you're resisting for a scientific reason, not an emotional one. A little white lie about smoke particles triggering allergies might come in handy here, too. ;) ("The poor kid! We walked past a smoking area on the way home from the doctor recently and she wheezed and cried for two hours! She was MISERABLE! We felt so awful for her!")

[hush]

When I read the post headline "smoking grandmother," the image of my MIL on fire popped into my head.

But enough disturbing fantasy. Where was I?

Jessica - big hugs to you and your hubby.

My comment is to support those of you out there who have finally had to say enough is enough Mr./Mrs. Batsh*t Crazy In-Law, you are out of our lives, perhaps until you sober up and seek therapy on the 5th of never.

Society does not support this choice. The expectation is that families kiss & make up, which can mean the kids & grandkids have to accept chaos and emotional abuse. But you know what, you have "permission" to cut them out if you & your spouse feel you have to.

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[Mommy-O]

OK, that was annoying and where did it come from?

Hush, I love what you said: "The expectation is that families kiss & make up, which can mean the kids & grandkids have to accept chaos and emotional abuse. But you know what, you have "permission" to cut them out if you & your spouse feel you have to."

Some relationships are so unhealthy or manipulative that cutting them out of your life is an absolute option. The idea that because people are related by blood that we have to have a relationship with them is unfair. My DH and I have friends and neighbours who have been a lot more supportive and healthy role models to our children than our immediate families. It is very sad and sometimes banging your head against the wall gets tiring.

Sorry, is my bitterness showing?

[Lisa F.]

hush,
thanks for what you wrote. our way of dealing w/our families is so not supported and we're the black sheep of my family for having boundaries.

in our case, MIL is too messed up to have any sort of relationship w/our son, my father is too old & set in his ways & not safe to be around, and my mom is too worn out caring for her failing husband, and is pretty hands of w/my son when we visit. it makes me so sad. No one visited us when he was born, and perhaps it's for the best. but we're so alone in this and just barely keeping our heads above water, and our lack of community concerns me, what are we modeling for our little one's relationships?

but it's a work in progress, one day at a time as they say.

[hedra]

Lisa F., you can grow your own relationships. 'Adopt' someone at an elder care center, invite friends to become family. We do this all the time.

My grandfather was someone we avoided - once a year for 2 days, he had his chance. Otherwise, Not Hardly. I 'adopted' the old couple across the street. Their own grandkids never visited, for whatever reasons - whatever family issues they had, they didn't apply to me. I pestered them endlessly with questions about their flowers, their shell collection, what it was like to go sailing, how to get christmas cactuses to bloom. They didn't seem to mind - gave me cuttings to grow my own cactus, let me handle some of the rare shells in their collection... My mom didn't have a relationship with them, but I invented one for myself. It works.

I also have a sister who I didn't meet until we were both in college. Her kids are my kids cousins, and it isn't just 'like cousins' - they're in my mom's will. Her mother is overseas, my mom is her local mom.

You model that we have to make hard choices sometimes, to keep those we love safe. That's not a bad thing to teach.

[Lisa F.]

thanks hedra.

[Alice]

My MIL is the pot smoker in a previous post and she also smokes cigarettes. I know how hard it can be to face these issues and I know how especially hard it is to address a husband about the in-laws. Fortunately, we only visit his family once or twice a year but I tolerate bringing my kids into a smoker's house as long as they don't smoke while we are there. That is my choice. I know that issues like these can become very emotional and I am still learning to weigh my perceived risks with actual risks and I often find that there is always more room to compromise. Good luck. In my experience, battles like these ease over time as you become more confident as a parent.

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[peanut]

this is such a tough one and i have really got a lot out of reading everyones post's to this as both my parents are alcoholics and heavy smokers. they also have 6 dogs who are not very well house trained. it just feels like a mine field for visiting and yet i feel bad for staying away? so i am thinking that lying about the baby having suspected asthma may seem extreme but it will save your husband from confronting his mum about this when he obviously can't face it. its not so easy to deal with these tricky alcoholics! i agree with meeting in a neutral place but perhaps she is like my parents and not keen on leaving the house/bottle/ashtray/comfort zone for any reason let alone a WALK? and FRESH AIR?? are you nuts.......!! and i am hearing all of you that my little man does need to have a relationship with my parents but God Damn it why does it always have to be on thier bloody terms??? as you see i could probably do with a heavy dose of al-anon myself!!
i have a lot to think about with what you have all written though......jessica i wish you all the best with this...it's a sh*t situation when its your own parents but it being your MIL must make it a bit harder?
good luck.....

[juliag]

i haven't read all the other comments, but i find this very interesting, as i was just discussing this issue with a friend of mine who is doctor who specializes in asthma. he said that the evidence is SO strong against exposing babies to smoke that he literally considers it poison. i was a little surprised at his vehemence, as he's pretty laid back. he said that there is now evidence that second hand some can actually cause asthma in kids...i.e. kids that have no genetic predisposition to asthma are getting it if they grow up in a smoke filled home.

this came up in the context of my little one having severe food allergies. he said that babies WITH predispositions to asthma and such shouldn't even be around it at all. he kept saying "would you give him poison??" yikes!

[AnitaS]

Hi Jessica,

I'm late to this post but I wanted to find out if you found a solution. I'm in the same boat with my MIL and I thought I would see how you are coping. My MIL does not smoke in our house, she goes outside. She does, however, smoke in her own home, and I don't want to take our twin babies over there. We will have to ask her to go outside and smoke in her own home and I'm not sure she will oblige. My husband grew up with her smoking and they live in England and are quite European, so secondhand smoke and those issues don't really bother him. I'm alone here and I will not take them over unless she smokes outside the house. Even so, there is the horrible lingering residual smoke all over that house, mixed in with the smell of the smoke from the fireplace!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I know how it feels!
Anita