Q&A: apartment living with a baby

Laura writes:

"I love your site and check it daily; you are a guru to me, as you are to many!

I wonder if you have advice to offer about living in small spaces with a baby. Ours is four months old; we live in San Francisco. Our apartment is tiny, and his crib is in our room. We're about to start sleep-training,
and wonder if it's possible to do in a small apartment, with neighbors close by, but we're desperate for more sleep.

I'm also suffering a lot of guilt over not being able to provide a separate room for my child (the apartment is so small that we can't even partition a room with screens, or move our bed into a living room). We
can't afford to move, and Bay Area home prices are so high that we'll never be able to purchase a home. Yet most of my friends have nurseries for their babies, and almost every book I read assumes that the reader has a separate room for the baby. I feel very guilty as a result: will he resent us someday? will he be okay if he doesn't have his own room? Any words of wisdom?"

Thanks. I actually prefer charismatic leader, but guru will do just fine*.

First off, do not sleep train until your son is past the four-month-sleep regression. That regression sucks so much anyway that adding sleep training into it (which is going to suck 40 times more than it normally would if you do it in the middle of a sleep regression) will make you all long for the sweet release of hospitalization. So hold on 'til he's past the 19-week spurt to train, at which point you may not need to train anyway. (The irony--it's the regression that makes you want to train him, but the regression that makes training largely futile. Then once it's no longer futile, he'll sleep better on his own.)

Did we mention that four months sucks in general?

But on to the space question. I think you have two choices: Stay where you are, or move someplace where you can have more room. Either way you gain something, and either way you give something up.

Honestly, I don't think there's any way to know whether he'll resent you for it until he's grown up. I suspect that how he feels about how he grew up will have more to do with his relationship to you and your husband than to the specifics of how much space you had.

I know adults who adored growing up in NYC. (FWIW, the NYC one-bedroom long-term solution seems to be to move the kid into the bedroom and have the parents sleep on a Murphy bed or pullout in the living room.) They feel like having all the of the cool stuff in the city was the best way to grow up, and feel sorry for kids who grew up with more space but less stimulation. The two women I know who grew up in NYC and hated it also had major family issues, so it doesn't surprise me that they have bad feeling about their growing-up years.

I know adults who adored growing up in the suburbs, or small towns, and the country. Big yards and forts and running around the neighborhood. But you know what they talk about when they talk about the way they grew up? What they did with their families and friends. It's the relationships that made their childhoods happy, and those relationships made the settings good for them.

So I think your decision to stay or go is going to have to be informed by other things, like what makes you feel comfortable (Would living in a crowded space stress you out? Would living outside a city enervate you?), whether you want to live closer or farther from your families, and whether you want to have more children or not. (From my observation, being an only is much more "normal" in cities than in other areas where most families have 2+ kids.)

If you're happy with yourselves and your marriage and your family and your son, he'll be fine growing up wherever you land.

Data points, people?

* I'm kidding, obviously. I'm so boringly normal. I have the same problems you guys do, and many others I hope you never experience. At this point writing the blog is just what I do, and I wish I had time to do more for you guys.

Comments

[Charisse]

@OBXmom, the second bedroom in our flat (where we used to stash guests) became Mouse's room when she was born. After 2 or 3 visits where our parents slept on the living room floor, we decided it would work much better to have them at a nearby B&B (in a big city, it's quite likely there's one within a few blocks of you). We paid the first time, they decided they liked it and now pay for it themselves. To be perfectly honest with you, not having our parents stay with us is a huge advantage of having a kid!!...but as everyone has noted with regard to small spaces and families, that has more to do with difficult relationships than anything else. Old friends who are easy to get along with have slept on our couch or airbed-thingy many times and everybody's enjoyed it.

It also helps with bedtime to have a place for Grandma to go--otherwise Mouse would easily be up until midnight (she has a very hard time going to sleep when there's anybody exciting in the house, and it's not easy to fool her since it's a small space).

[pnuts mama]

data point: we live in the house i grew up in, 3 bedrooms, but due to the fact that we live with the (now) elderly uncle who raised me (it's his house, he's my "dad" in every sense of the word) and he sleeps in the master and the second bedroom is his office, the pnut has *always* slept in our room with us. we are currently in (what seems like a never-ending) process of adding rooms upstairs so we'll have our own room up there, as will our kids. we truly do need the space what with babybean on his way now.

i suppose what i'm saying is you work with what you have- the pnut is 2.75 now and as much as i never expected her to be sleeping in a crib in our room til now, it's what's normal for us and it actually works really well. she has no understanding that it could be any different. she is excited about her new room upstairs, but i'll bet she'll be sad to sleep alone (me too!) once it's all changed around.

i certainly never even entertained the thought that at this age she'll resent us for sleeping in our room (or not having one of her own yet)- what does she know the difference? plus i think she likes knowing that mom and dad are only a few feet away if she needs something at night, and she uses the living room as her main indoor play area. it would be different if she were much older, i guess.

the cons of sharing a room with your baby are that you have to be really quiet and dark- (no tv on, no reading before bed, no raucous sexual activity-ahahahaha) but other than that, it's pretty damn convenient to be able to get up and be right there when they need you. and, before 9-12 mos infants have no comprehension that you're not them and they're not you, anyway.

oh, and the sweetjuniper family raised their little girl in a one bdrm apt in sf for the first year or so if i remember- you could check out their archives for some tips, etc. if you'd like. good luck!

[pnuts mama]

hey moxie, my best friend grew up in a 2 bdrm rent control with 4 siblings- they rotated who slept where for years (the kids) and their mom and dad slept out on the couch til at least the first two were in college. i know at times it was tight but all those kids are well-rounded, socially conscious college grads who show no signs of abnormalcy. so there's that.

[meggiemoo]

Youngest of 6...shared a room until right before college. I adored sharing a room with my sister. There was actually an article recently about kids having a lot of trouble sharing dorm rooms if they've never shared a living space with anyone before.

We live in a small townhouse, 2 BR, 1/2 BA, with our toddler and 3 cats. Other than the cats always being in the way, my DH and I prefer small spaces. Large, expansive houses actually bother me. My sister, her husband and daughter live in a 8,000 SF house...it just seems ridiculously big. (Not to mention the cleaning...yikes!)

We didn't go all out on our DS's room by any means. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have even worried about a crib, since he wouldn't sleep in it for the first year anyway!

[Amanda]

I haven't read the comments yet, so I am not sure if the cultural aspects of this have been discussed.

Laura's concerns are very American and I think, in general, this need to give children their own big decorated space is very American and sometimes...strange. In my husband's culture and in many other cultures in the world I think the opposite worry would be true--How can I live with my baby/child in a separate room? Will it damage them? Having a child in your room and literally on your body (slings, wraps, etc) is considered normal and desired (and IMHO, better parenting in the very early months especially) for development and attachment.

Having said that, I do not think putting a baby in her own room to sleep is a bad thing. I just think that this is a very American sort-of push for 'independence' that is not necessarily anything but parents' own preference and reflections of societal expectation.

Laura, I am just trying to say--Go with it! It is the connection, the love, the happy memories your make with your baby that count, not the size of your abode. I've seen families living in tents that are close, loving and secure. I bet those children grow up resentment-free!

[Carmen]

You might be surprised to learn that your baby would have ended up in your room whether you had a nursery or not...

We lived in a small 2 bdrm apt when Buster was born so I didn't have a nursery for him due to the office/guest room taking the space (a necessity since we lived 800 miles from family). I soon realized that a nursery wasn't necessary since he only wanted to sleep on me anyway.

We moved to a 3 bdrm when he was 5 months old and made a nursery and bought an expensive convertable crib/bed for him. What a waste! He still sleeps with me at 12 months.

Before kids I thought people who slept with their kids were nuts. Sigh. I will never say never again:)

[pnuts mama]

one more thing- (who am i, colombo?)

i didn't want laura to think that i wasn't validating her sadness over her baby not having it's own room as an infant- it was something i certainly was sad for as well. i always wanted to have the nursery with all the matching things (i own them, since i got them for the registry) and now especially since we're having a boy i was sad that i'll never have the nursery i envisioned for my little girl.

but a nursery is something for the mom (and dad), not the baby, really, in the sense that the baby certainly doesn't know the difference, or what a theme is, or if anything matches, etc. so much of the pressure that books and the media place on the "nursery" is consumer-driven, they want you to buy more non-essential stuff, you know? then you have to change it all in 2-3 years, anyway. tricky b*stards.

ok, i'm really done now.

[paola]

...and can I add, preparing a nursery is a way of bonding before the baby comes.

[alex]

Just wanted to add some comments on the sleep training & your neighbors.

We started sleep training a few weeks ago. And I agree with Moxie. DO NOT start this until after the 4-month sleep regression.

We only let DS cry/fuss at *bedtime*. And at 7 mo, his bedtime is around 7 or 7:30. When he wakes up in the middle of the night (he's still waking up once to eat) we don't let him cry. And the sleep training at bedtime has been translating gradually into his nighttime wakings. I've watched him on the video monitor. He'll wake up, play a bit, then roll over and go back to sleep.

So Laura, I don't think your neighbors will mind at all! The whole apartment building will still be buzzing at 7-9pm when you'll be doing sleep training anyway.

As far as room sharing, my twin sister and I shared a room until we were about 6. We each got our own room after that. However, a few years later we decided to "move back in together" and shared a room until we were 12. It was really nice.

[elisa]

I remember sleeping with my Grandmother for years-sometimes in the same bed, and when I was a little older a different bed but the same room. We moved to a bigger house when I was 9 and I hated sleeping alone. -haha-still do!

We live in Orange County now and the housing prices are astonishing. (Especially since we're from Texas, where people can buy a house for 1/2 a million and get more than 2 bedrooms...sigh) That being said, I still find myself caught up in the idea of separate bedrooms for everyone, but that's just not possible right now. When we decide to start looking to buy a house, I think that I might prefer a smaller one. Or just say that over and over until it's true. :)

[sam]

I shared a room with my (2 yrs) younger brother until I was around 9/10 yrs (when he was shipped off to the tiny little box room). It seemed natural to want to be with my playmate, we kept each other company. I'm sure that if we'd have been the same sex, we have continued to share. I don't think it did us any harm - we still hated each other as teens and then became good friends again when we were in our early 20's. I think kids like company and to be close to the ones they love.

In the UK our houses tend to smaller than in the US and, certainly for my mum's generation, living with 4 or 5 kids in a 2 or 3 bedroom house was the norm. My mum shared with her 2 sisters, her 2 brothers were in a tiny room and the parents had their own space.

For our nursery, we cobbled together second hand bits n bobs. Our cot is the one my hubby slept in 30 years ago. Our change table is not a table but a spongey change mat on the floor. Her clothes are kept in a 30 year old dresser that hubby painted and added cute handles to. She didn't sleep in her room for the first 5 months of her life anyway (and since the current trend is to wake hourly (and at 30 weeks I didn't think we were in for a sleep regression so goodness knows what she's doing now) she's making her way back in with me. I'd rather save the money - she doesn't care.

Re: sleep training. 4 months truly sucked ass for us. Truly! But it did get better all by itself so it's worth sticking with it for another week if you can. Then you may only have 2 or 3 wakings to deal with rather than several.

[Lisa]

@OBXmom:

We live in SF, in a big old Victorian flat that sounds much like those of the other SF posters (2BR, 1BA) . T. does have his own room (was the dining room/back half of the split parlor in the original flat design). We also live at a corner where the streetcar and two buses stop, so the front rooms get a lot of noise.

If guests are heavy sleepers, they sleep on the living room couch, or on a blow-up queen-sized mattress on the living room floor. If they're light sleepers, or have kids who need to go to bed early, they sleep on the blow-up and/or T's twin mattress in his room. T. sleeps with us when we have guests.

It seems to work well, and those who are more high-maintenance just go to a hotel. No one stays for more than 3 or 4 days, which is fine with me!

[Lisa]

oh, and what Charisse said about visitors: they're way exciting, and their presence will extend bedtime for at least an hour. We either just go with it, or send the visitor out with DH to pick up a bottle of wine/takeout/whatever while I institute a quickie bedtime routine.

[Ruthie]

I've never posted a comment before, though I read pretty regularly. We don't have any kids yet, and live in 1-BR (suburbanly, unfortunately). I am getting increasingly anxious to have a baby, but we still feel so far from $$ ready so it is so great to hear about so many people who make it work in small spaces. I look at my friends with larger household incomes than me and who are living in bigger places and feel like we'll never "catch up." This post & the comments have given me more to think about, and to feel hopeful about, so I thank you!

[jessica]

For my daughter's first year I lived in a TINY one room studio. Her crib was right next to my bed for the whole year.

Now we have a one bedroom, and she has the bedroom. I sleep in the living room.

Anyhow, don't worry about it too much...just do what works for you and don't ever feel bad about it. That first year was actually easier, in a sense, because I never had to get out of bed when the baby woke up. Now I do.

[smurfett]

We live in SF area as well and our 6 months old sleeps on the floor in the living room actually. Originally she slept in the crib in our bedroom but I couldn't stand all the little noises she makes when she sleeps as I'm a light sleeper and hearing her makes me want to get up to check on her.

I actually like having her sleep on the floor (we don't wear shoes in the house). It makes playing w/ her easier. Not as much back issues having to lift her out of crib to change her, etc etc. Eventually we'll probably put a twin size mattress on the floor for her to sleep. It will save me the trouble of buying a crib and I don't have to worry about her rolling out of bed and falling if she sleeps on the floor. Of course, my plan may be really stupid once she starts being mobile, but till then, that's my plan.

I had a lot of fond memories of sleeping in the same bedroom as my sister and brother and based on my personal experience, I don't think we really cared till we were in high school. That's when my mom separated us by sex and I lived w/ my sister. It's a good practice if you ask me, learning how to live w/ someone and share. You have to do that anyway when you move to college.

[Marguerite]

Hi, thank you for the comments re: moving the smaller boys in with the big boy. I think we shall do as you all advised and wait it out until the twins sleep more reliably since the older one's sleep in PRECIOUS to us! thank you again Moxie, for this wonderful platform, supporting parents around the world while being a WOHM is no small feat and really appreciated.

[Laura]

Thanks to all of you for the reassurance. I now feel much better about the baby being in our room – as you point out, this is the norm for much of the world, though the baby magazines and books often assume a suburban “norm.” We’re very happy with our neighborhood (lots of parks and shops, and the subway within walking distance), and while we might look for another, bigger Bay Area apartment, we don’t want to leave the region. I’m nervous only because I grew up in a classic one-bedroom-for-each-child suburb and don’t have experience with another model.

Re. sleep training: Oddly, the only sleep-thing my little guy does well is fall asleep by himself at the start of the night (around 8). A few complaints, and then he’s out. His problem is the eight million wakings/meals between 11 PM and dawn. His sleep never evened out or extended as child manuals claim it should’ve around three or four months…so a four-month sleep regression would be hard to spot, given that he hasn’t any progress to regress upon. We’d cosleep or use a bedside cosleeper, but the boy sleeps like he’s dancing in a mosh pit, and I think I keep him as awake as he keeps me. I guess I need to diminish the number of night feedings, but whatever we eventually do will involve some crying. Oh, well. My neighbors are decent people, so they likely won’t complain too much.

Thanks again to everyone who weighed in – it’s good to know there are so many of us in the same small boat.

[Cloud]

Hi Laura! We nightweaned Pumpkin at 9 months. This isn't really sleep training, because someone (er, Hubby) is in there comforting her, I'm just not in there nursing. This cut the nighttime wakings down to a manageable few. I wouldn't try it until after 6 months, though- I don't care what the books say, my baby had to eat in the middle of the night until she was older, and even now can't go past 4. I can tell the difference between her hungry cry and "I want mommy/boob" whine. Anyway, we were surprised by how little she cried during the nightweaning. She whined a bit, and early on Hubby had to hold her for quite awhile to get her back to sleep w/o nursing after waking, but there were no real screamfests. I slept through a lot of this and I was in the next room. So that is another option once your baby is older. But for now, I have no ideas. Pumpkin still woke to nurse every 2-3 hours at 4 months. I survived that period because Hubby gave her the first feeding from a bottle, which meant I could get a 4 hour chunk of sleep. I guess you could try having your partner handle a waking, with a bottle in reserve if it becomes clear food is required. Some babies stop waking so much when they realize the boob isn't automatically coming.

[Kelly]

I feel your pain. With our first daughter, we lived in a "shotgun" apartment which meant no doors or halls (each room led into the next). We had no "nursery" to speak of and I was frustrated when people wanted to talk about "nursery themes" as the crib was in the same room as the computer and our clothes ... which led into the kitchen. We co-slept for the most part.

We endured this arrangement for two years until the birth of our second daughter and then we added on to the house. For us two years was the limit -- I don't know that I could have gone with that arrangement with an older child and certainly not with two kids. However, families have been living in tight spaces for generations and come out just fine!

[obxmom]

Thank you all for your comments as well about visitors. It is very helpful.

[Joceline]

Wow! It's great to read about all of the people who are in the same boat that we are, or in even smaller spaces with more children! We live in a small 2 BR apt. with just one baby. Obviously, this is more space than we even "need" right now, but we have no plans to move into anything bigger anytime soon, even with more children. We like living in an urban area, and that means we'll never be able to afford a house here. As many above posters have mentioned, my son would rather we kept him in our room all the time and does not miss that his "nursery" is also an office, sewing room, guest room, etc.

Everyone else we know with kids wants to know when we're moving and how I manage to use our building's downstairs laundry room with a baby (Moby wrap! and big biceps!). We're happy here, my son loves long walks downtown with lots of people watching, and I think he and any future kids will be fine bunking in together.

@Hedra, I love that you plan on all four in one room! That sounds like fun (most of the time)!

[angie]

We have a 2 yr old and a 7 mth old. Living in a 2 bedroom apt.
2 year old in her own room, baby started in basinette, moved to crib beside our bed then crib on other side of our bedroom.
I have recently started sleeping on an air mattress in my daughter's room while my husband comforts baby during the night. I cannot deal with sleep deprivation anymore and baby is fine without milk past 12am.
Thinking soon we will move the kids into the same room - I'd love to be back in my bed but am so scared of the kids waking each other up!

Basically you get by with what you have - everyone adapts and does their best, you will too!

[stacy]

We're about to move from a too-big suburban home to a smaller apartment in a big city. I couldn't be more excited!

But I have a question. We're still apartment hunting at the moment, and we're trying to decide between a 2 bed and a 1 bed. We have only one 15 month old child, but we'd like for him to have his own bedroom; we've co-slept (and crib-in-our-bedroom slept) before, and he sleeps very poorly when he has to share his space. He's a light sleeper, so he'd wake every time I tossed or turned.

If we get a 1 bed and give the room to him, we are willing to do something creative for our own sleeping space...but...

Aren't pullout mattresses or murphy beds uncomfortable for long-term use?

[Julie]

My sister has a pretty high needs baby and whenever she takes him on an airplane, she buys about 15 St*rbucks cards at about $5 denominations and passes them out to the people sitting around them before the flight. Maybe when Laura is ready to sleep train she can do the same for her neighbors if it's in the budget.

** and I shared a bedroom with my brother until I was about 12, with no long term damage other than an abnormal loathing for anything Star Trek.

[karla]

Our kids are four. My boys share a bedroom. My daughter has her own. She cries at least once a week, begging for us to sleep with her, or to let her sleep in our bed. Or to have a baby to sleep in her top bunk. (She doesn't even have a bunk bed, but she wants one. I think she thinks having a bunk would magically mean having a sibling to share her space). So, I'm hoping that is comfort. Our daughter would be ELATED to share a room with us.

[kellie]

A - I feel better about my tiny house right now.
B - I thought we aren't supposed to sleep train until 6 months?

Also - how big is your closet? There are some very cool ideas about making your closet a nursery from Ikea...

[andrea]

We live in a tiny two-bedroom unit (I think you call them condos in North America?? Single-storey, free-standing but sharing a block with a couple of other units) with our 10-month-old twins and, a couple of nights a fortnight, my 10yo stepdaughter and 15yo stepson. My stepkids have the second bedroom and the twins are in cots (cribs) in our room. I'm happy for the twins to share our room for a while yet, though I do wonder if they are more wakeful because of our presence. I'm loving hearing all of the bigger-is-not-necessarily-better comments. Here in Australia there is also a big one-bedroom-per-child mentality that I just don't get.

BUT, we want to buy soon and are thinking of buying a three-bedroom apartment so that we can stay in the inner-suburban area we live in now, instead of an actual house further out. The type of apartment we could afford would be in an older building with no lift.

I'm learning about children by the seat of my pants with these two and am wondering at what age you could expect kids to be able to walk up and down stairs themselves? If my husband and I were both there obviously we could carry one twin each, but if only one of us was around taking the girls in or out of the apartment, from what point would we be able to rely on one or both of them coping with the stairs rather than being carried? Am I crazy for even thinking of living in such a property before the girls are quite a bit older?

[Charisse]

@andrea (I'm up in Oz time because Mouse napped and went to bed superlate--grrr) I don't have twins but I do have a total of 24 steps from the street to my house (7 stone ones in the porch and 17 carpeted ones up to our floor). I think it's going to vary somewhere between 2-3 years old, and you can probably push it to the early side by installing a low bannister at toddler height. (Ability to do it with a railing is WAAAY earlier than without...and up as I recall is rather easier than down.) What you'll want early on of course is a good gate at top and maybe bottom, so you can carry up one load (2 twins? 1 twin & groceries?), set it behind the gate, and go back for the next. It will still be useful when they can first walk up by themselves as you can leave the groceries, supervise the walk up, and then gate them safely in and go back.

Of course, that's all predicated on it being one straight flight, and one that's part of your property as opposed to community--it makes it a lot easier to be able to see the front porch from the top.

Good luck!

[abigail]

I would also like to chip in and advise you to let go of your guilt about not having a separate room. I live in Japan, where most people think it's weird to put small children in a different room. Although we do actually have a spare room, My husband and I sleep with our two-year-old bundle of niceness on three futons. Sometimes she stays on her futon all night, sometimes she wriggles into my one. I wouldn't have it any other way. And whilst she was still waking up four times a night (I won't tell you how long that went on for, I just hope it's not so long for you), you better believe I did not want to be trudging off to a different room. Don't worry too much now about what your child will need in years to come, if his needs change then you can make new decisions about how to live. For now, he's fine and you're fine - if you could just get some more sleep!

[hedra]

@kellie, you're right, the recommendation is to not sleep-train until after 6 months. That was even in Ferber's OLD book. He's emphasized it more in the new one. They don't have the cognitive function to understand and learn the 'right' lesson - they MAY sleep if sleep-trained then, but you'll still have to re-train them later, and it can affect their psychoneurological functions that are still developing (cortisol from uncomforted stress prunes neural pathways) - not that you'd necessarily notice this one way or another without a brain scan, but that's the physiology of it.

@andrea, you can do stairs independantly at probably 18-24 months, and maybe earlier if they like doing the backwards crawling down the stairs - but expect to do up/down twice at each section during the fussy stages. Even in our house, at 3 1/2, they like to go down with mommy. And up with mommy. And each wants to do it JUST with mommy (not with the other twin). So one waits at the top while I take the other down, then that one waits at the bottom while I go back and bring the waiting one down. If they're smallish, you can sling one and hand-walk the other down, trading off who gets to walk. There's also sliding down on your behind while they ride on your lap. My mom used to do that even in public, and just ignored the stares - created her mental bubble of motherhood with just her and us inside it (siblings about 2 - 2 1/2 years apart, which still meant someone carried, someone wanting to be carried), and proceeded. Maybe easier inside an apartment than out in 'way public' though! :)

[hedra]

(Oh, and not to panic anyone who did sleep-train before 6 months in desperation - babies have a lot of redundant neural pathways, and they prune a lot anyway, and having a really overstressed exhausted mommy ALSO creates stress and cortisol reactions, so it's pick your poison, if you're at that level. Granted, I don't know many people who try to sleep-train earlier than 6 months who aren't also really desperate and ceasing to function normally.)

[xxxx]

@ Hedra:

I'm currently reading the new Ferber book as my lo wakes several times a night and wants to suck back to sleep. I'm not comfortable with the crying aspect of it. In your opinion, would it be as stressful to the baby if I send in my partner to try and get her back to sleep without sucking? I'm hoping that that will break the sucking to sleep association (she puts herself to sleep most nights without sucking - it's just the nightwakings that she seems to need it). She is 7 months.

Also, my MIL was told to leave her colicky baby crying in her crib as there was nothing that could be done to help her and 'that's what babies do'. So my SIL cried, on her own, in her crib, from 7pm till 11pm every evening for the first 3 months of her life! My partner did the same for the first 6 weeks of his. My MIL went outside in the garden to avoid listening to it and then would check on them once they had stopped. I'm sharing this because I really can't believe they went through it... Anyway, despite this, they *seem* to have turned out okay.

[hedra]

physiologically, comfort from any bonded caregiver is comfort. Dad, mom, grandma, DCP, nanny, even sibling or other close relationship. Even if the crying doesn't stop as fast when they do it, the STRESS is not 1:1 with the sounds.

Consider it this way - if you were alone in the woods with a broken ankle, the stress is from pain, isolation, and fear. If someone you knew and generally trusted (even if not your mom) came by and sat with you, said that you weren't alone, and tried to help you feel better, your stress level would drop to a sane level. Maybe mom (or a doctor, whatever you REALLY wanted then) would be a bit better, but the comforting process shuts down the stress hormone production. EVEN if the pain is still so bad you're crying, you feel better. Someone being responsive, even a stranger, will help a lot. Someone you trust is huge.

So, dad going in is recommended because it solves the physiological problem - the deep-level stress is handled. The 'reason I'm mad' (mom's not here, I want what I want when I want it) isn't fixed, they may still be angry or confused for a bit, but they're still COMFORTED. And that's the point.

The short break times in Ferber's CIO also allow for reduction of the stress hormone process, by coming in and comforting, same deal. A loving and responsive presence that I trust = lowered stress. Might still be frustrated or annoyed or pissed off royally, those aren't the main stress hormone triggers - feelings themselves are not. Feelings that are responded to in a violating way (greeting fear with anger, or sadness with fear, or total ignoring without a response, etc.) that creates stress hormones. In early infancy (before 6 months), a 'confusing' response (one they can't figure out or understand, something too random, when lacking cognitive skills for it, etc.) is more likely to cause it's own stresses - you'd have to do the reading on attachment theory at the neuropsychological level for the specifics.

Actually, the strict reliability of the 'you're on your own in the evenings' thing reduces some of the stress as they start expecting it, it's reliable, upsetting but not confusing. That's one of the things talked about in abuse-survival neuropsychology. People who have horrific parents have a better chance of surviving 'okay' (at least recoverably) if the problems were really reliable. One of the issues with alcoholism is that it creates that randomness that causes increased stress.

So, in every system, loads of backups to allow the maximum number of us to grow up 'okay', and then allow our kids to grow up 'okay'. Genetic selection at work!

[Becca]

Here in Japan pretty much everyone co-sleeps..babies and bigger kids too. Space is very limited but it works fine. We love co-sleeping and it makes for a very contented, confident toddler. We have one bedroom and one living room. Guests sleep in the living room.

[Colleen]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/25075922@N07/

Approx 700 sf in nyc--2 sloppy adults, baby, 2 smallish 'uggies'--doggies according to bubs

Bedroom no 1--bubs asleep on his sidecar futon
Bedroom no 2--yet to be assembled crib parts everywhere in his future room, which is now the study/guest bedroom
Living area--strewn with baby toys every minute unless a child free friend comes and we pretend we're grown up and stash them away

The baby doesn't sleep especially well at this moment and we've purchased the crib from craigslist to see if that separate space will make a difference--it's musical beds until we figure it out, if ever. We live 2 blocks from a dog park and one from a playground--I just don't think about what it would be like to live in a bigger house, but I do think about what it would be like to live somewhere where the schools are good and you don't have to take IQ tests to qualify.

[Suzie]

As a thought - as you have some concerns about your baby not having space or its own nursery - have you thought about creating your baby a personal environment within your room. I guess what I have in mind is something like a 'happy hangup' (www.happyhangup.com). These are in Australia (like me) and we have one which we loved. I am sure there are similar things in the US; these have a really nice feel to them and my daughter would often lie there watching the designs on the batik print and they have a light wooden smell I found relaxing. But the reason I mention them for your situation is they attach to the ceiling with a hook - and you can place hooks in various places around your unit depending on how sleeping is going (if you would like your baby nearby or not). Or if you can't install hooks you can buy pyramid frames for them (but these take up quite a bit of space).

[Data Point San Diego]

I can't imagine your son will resent having shared a bedroom with you as a baby! I mean, things will change, if he needs his own space there are partitions you can make do with, or you might move.

But anyway. When our daughter was born we lived in a tiny (600 sq ft) 1-bdrm apt. in Los Angeles. It never crossed my mind that she might later resent us for it. Babies love to be close to their parents. Nurseries are for the grown-ups to have fun with!

When she was 6 months we moved to a more spacious, 2 bedroom condo, where we still live. She is 3 and doesn't have her own bedroom yet. And no, we don't co-sleep. She has her own bed in our room but we are weird and I often fall asleep in the living room watching TV so...I don't even usually sleep in the same room as my daughter. The other bedroom is a computer room and playroom. It is PLENTY of space for a 3-person family. If we had another child I'd put the 2 kids in the 2nd bedroom or move to a 3-bdrm if possible.

Also, regarding sleep training. If by that you mean "let child cry it out b/c we are desperate and don't know what else to do," may I politely suggest reading Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book "Sleepless in America" - just the infant chapter, if you must - before proceeding? I think you will find some sanity and a middle ground between "AP" and "CIO" in that book. We did.

[Diana]

I don't really have any advice but I wanted to say how great it was to read this entry and all the support for shared living space. So often those of us on limited incomes are condemned for not having a large house with a lovely yard and room to spare. I live in a perfectly suitable house with three bedrooms (all small) and two kids, one on the way. I do get a lot of comments from people asking where the baby will sleep...always meaning well, and giving good advice. But from family I get a lot of grief. My father in law doesn't like that we live in a row home (although no one is on either side right now) and wants us to move. We live in the city (small city, but still) and within walking distance to my job and many other great activities. Living here allows us to survive with one car instead of two, and also allows me to walk all over town to do a lot of activities during the summer, including baseball games, free music concerts, etc. So, amen and thank you for all of you who support those of us sharing a living space.

[kelli]

I see lots of comments about the number of bedrooms, but our biggest issue (along with the kitchen that doesn't have enough space or a dishwasher) is the number of BATHROOMS! With 3 kids -- 4y, 2y, and 3-months, getting everyone through the bathroom is the real issue. (Especially that pesky 4y who CAN'T be rushed or he'll be stopped up for a week.)

We live in suburban SF Bay Area (Sunnyvale, CA -- everything from SF south is a suburb until you get to Santa Cruz, I think) in a 2BD, 1BA on a relatively large piece of land.

[Katie B.]

Chiming in waaaay late with a data point: I grew up in suburbia (East SF Bay Area, as it happens) in a 3-bedroom house with a family of six - 3 kids, Mom and Dad, and Grandma. The only person who had their own room initially was Grandma; when we moved in (Grandma's house), my little brother was a baby and was in with my parents until he was older (don't remember how old, sorry), when he joined me and my older brother in our room - "the kid's room". Little brother eventually moved to the living room (long story), and my older brother and I shared that bedroom, and indeed our bunk bed, until I went off to college in my early twenties! He and I longed for our own rooms as we grew older, but we found ways to maintain some levels of privacy. I won't say we never fought, because we did, but we were and remain quite close friends.

DH and I just moved from a 900 sq.' apartment to a 1050 sq.' house, both 2 bedroom. I think our families think we're kinda crazy (each for different reasons), but our plan is to cosleep, or at least have baby in with us, until the baby needs its own space, and then reconfigure our setup to allow for that. I'm not convinced that'll mean turning my office/computer room/guest room into a kid room! The second bedroom is scarcely big enough for a twin bed; lots more room for a crib or whatever in our bedroom.

[Phil Hollenback]

We did it and it worked pretty well. My thoughts: Big City Baby.

[Phil Hollenback]

Wait here's the actual link: http://j.mp/5k994i

[Retro Jordans]

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[electric]

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