Preschool Redux

Wow--the preschool post struck a nerve.

First off, when I say "preschool" I mean a program that's part-day from one to five days a week, and is not meant to cover childcare while parents are working. Daycare is a longer-day program and is meant to care for your child while you're working. People with kids in full-time daycare don't send their kids to preschool, because the kids are probably getting the same stuff at daycare, and also the logistics wouldn't work out.

So to some degree the preschool issue is a problem of a certain socio-economic class, except that things are kind of mixed up in some areas. For instance, in the part of NYC that I live in, you can find a good full-time babysitter in two weeks, but the good daycares have waiting lists of 6 months or more. And if you have more than one child, a full-time babysitter is definitely cheaper than full-time daycare for two. So having a "nanny" doesn't mean you have more money than people with kids in daycare.

And I know women who can't work at all, even if they'd like to, because what they'd get paid wouldn't cover their childcare and commuting costs. If working from home isn't an option (and if you're full-time from home, you still need childcare), sometimes you're too poor to work.

So it's entirely possible that staying home with your child and paying $250 a month for preschool a couple of days a week is the cheaper option, depending on where you live, preschool and childcare options in your area, and what your field pays you.

But on to the "real" question: Lots of people were asking why someone would send their child to preschool, or what preschool can do that playing at home with a parent can't.

I never went to preschool. I know plenty of happy, successful people who didn't go to preschool. So it's clear that a kid doesn't *need* to go to preschool to be happy and well-adjusted. I think we should get that out of the way right now.

But there are lots of reasons that people want to send their kids to preschool, and want to so badly that they struggle through whatever the process is in their area.

• It's fun for the kids. They love, love, love it. I know there are some preschools out there that are trying to teach kids things in a structured way, but most of the ones I hear about are trying to set up situations in which the play helps teach kids things, and they have fun all the time. (It's only in Kindergarten that they start forcing learning on the kids, thanks to NCLB.)
• Which means that you aren't having to come up with projects. Or your babysitter doesn't have to come up with projects.
• They have equipment you don't have. Do you have a water table in your living room? Slides? Extra-jumbo wooden blocks?  An endless supply of fingerpaints? If you do, please email me directions to your house, and we'll be there Saturday morning at 10 am.
• It's a break for you that your kid thinks is for him or her. (Although if you have younger children, the pick-up/drop-off routine can make any "break" aspect a washout.)
• It gives you a social structure. If you never had a playgroup when your child was younger, or if your playgroup is drifting apart, it's a chance to meet other parents who have something in common with you. Even if the only thing you have in common is that your kids are in the same class, that's a start. Built-in reason to make playdates, etc.
• Yada yada social skills yada. People go on about being with other kids (which I don't think is necessary at this age, and in fact would urge everyone to read Gordon Neufeld's Hold On To Your Kids about how we push kids to rely on peers too early) and learning social skills. Whatever. I think a kid who's raised with love and care, even if that child only ever sees one other human being, can pick up the social skills. But it can be great for parents because
• It helps you see where your kid lies in relation to other kids his age. Which helps reinforce your spidey sense/mama gut/whatever you want to call it. What a relief to know your kid's not the only one! Or, how good to see that maybe you do need to ask about that thing she does.
• Objective adults who see your child regularly who can help you troubleshoot. The preschool teachers have seen a ton of kids. They know a lot about kids this age. They can talk to you about yours, and help give you tips about how to deal with things that come up. There's a lot of social stuff with kids, especially around age 4, and the teachers can help deal with that.
• Routines. Kids this age love routines. And you might be very surprised to learn that the child who won't pick up for love or money at home is the best cleaner-upper in the class at school.

Anyone else have anything  I didn't cover? I'm not trying to talk anyone into putting a kid in preschool. I'm just explaining what I see as the benefits. All examples and counterarguments welcome.

Comments

[Jezer]

Another great thing about preschool (and daycare) is the super-cool and messy art that I'm not so sure I'd be brave enough to try here at home.

Oh, and I hate NCLB.

[Mommy-O]

I am not sure our area differentiates between daycare and preschool. We definitely have a separate Montessori program. Most of the daycares add more programming for the classes with kids who are closer to school age. I like ours because the academics is integrated through play and one of the parents teaches french one day a week. There is no evaluating or rating how they are doing other than informal feedback on how their day was.

When I returned to work part time 11 months after having my daughter, I knew she was ready for something more than me. She loved other kids and we didn't have any her age in our immediate area. We found that putting her with her peers a few days a week had a positive influence developmentally.

When I had my son last November, my daughter was 3. We decided to keep her in daycare 2 days a week even though I would be home for a year and it would be tight financially. We did this for a number of reasons:
1. with a new sibling, we didn't want to stir up her routine even more
2. it gives her time to be herself instead of big sister/daughter and to get away from us for a while - she has made great friends there
3. she still gets to hang out with her baby brother 3 days a week
4. it gives me time with the new baby to do some of the activities that I did with my daughter as a baby ie. Mother Goose, infant massage, or just bonding around the house.
5. she starts Junior Kindergarten (2 days a week) in September and she will still only be 3, not the average age of 4 - my nephew started school at 3 and had a really hard time adjusting to a structured environment. I think it would be much more difficult for her to go from being home with me full time to suddenly being in school 2 full days a week

This is what worked for us but I agree that it depends on the child and the family situation - many people just can't afford it. I think kids can get the socialization, structure, etc. just as easily from extracurricular activities or groups.

[Ann]

Bear is almost 3.5 and we have always planned to home school. I work at home PT. So I guess we are "home schooling pre-school" I recently had a little anxiety over "am I doing enough/does she have the skills she should...?" So I grabbed a book at the library for PK3 and sure enough, she's right on for her age. But it sure was a relief to know.

We don't need to get her ready for K, but we are going to have to move her into more structure at some point.

I am very much of the mind that her job now is to play. I want her to learn to be friendly, polite, inquisitive. She can learn calculus later HA!

Because we're home, I make it a point to get her out with other kids. Bear has friends in sunday school, ballet class and the neighborhood. We go to storytime at the library once a week.

Just like with Everything-- Thank you Moxie for this-- different things work best for each family and each kid.

[Maria]

Not sure if it has been mentioned already, but I have the impression that (both here in the Netherlands and in North America) in K, much greater emphasis is placed on 'academic' skills (esp. letter recognition, early reading etc.) than was the case when I was little. It seems like the whole program of education has been shifted somewhat towards an earlier age: what used to be taught in grade 1 is now started in K, consequently, what used to be done in K is now done (partly) in pre-K/preschool.

Same for social interaction: when I went to K, for many kids it was the first time they were alone in a group setting. Now, many more kids (here!) go to daycare or preschool , and consequently, it seems that in K, they are already 'expected' to be used to being in a group, if that makes sense.

I don't particularly like this development, but it might be one more thing to add to your mental list when thinking about preschool...

Also, I'd like to know if other people have this impression as well, or don't agree at all?

[vanessa]

In cases where (I'm sure this isn't the case with any Ask Moxie readers) but in cases where the parents don't have the time or energy or parenting skills to provide a kind of safe, nurturing enviroment, preschool (or daycare, or any early childhood education setting) can be that place. That's why it's so vital for ECE programs to be better funded, higher quality and more widely available.

[liz]

Around these parts, any kid in a corporate (as opposed to in-home) day-care after the age of 3 is put into a "preschool" group and given mild academic stuff. MM's current school offers daily half-hour classes in art, music, computers, and spanish, as well as math readiness and reading readiness. He's now in full-day kindergarten there and is doing real school work but the benefits of having had lots of specialty teachers and a school experience have been enormous.

He's comfortable around most adults. He's comfortable around most kids. He's got a ton of confidence. And his class mates are pretty much as confident as he is.

[kelli]

I somehow missed the first discussion of preschool...

What has worked for me is to take my kids to preschool through the local school district's "Adult Education" program. I've attended two different "co-op" or "parent observation" programs with my boys (2 and 4).

They get social interaction and they're eased into a school setting (standing in line to wash hands, asking politely for snack, sitting in circle and listening to the teacher, participating in activities or not).

My 2-year-old is in a program where we attend once a week (16 kids + parents + teacher + aide) together, and half the parents leave for a 30 minute discussion with the teacher (the "adult education" aspect) then the parents switch roles (the other 8 attend a meeting). So, there's some separation even in the one day class.

My 4-year old is in a program where he attends 3 days a week and I work in the classroom once a week. 8 parents + a teacher are in the classroom every day. There are more night meetings (once a month "General" meeting and once a month small group meeting) along with school cleanup and committee work (I organize the Arts & Crafts/Science/Cooking projects for the year). It's very much play-based, though the teacher also works with the kids on early math skills (patterning, sorting, etc) and there are "nametags" on various items in the classrooms ("window" on the window, "door" on the door, etc.).

The cost is low ($100/month) for the area (Sunnyvale, CA -- 1 hour south of San Francisco), but it's something that not every parent can do -- there is quite a bit of work outside of classroom time. We had to wait 6 months to get into the program, but we were attending another co-op during that time.

I think my sons have really benefited from learning about sitting and listening, waiting their turn and sharing at school as well as going on short field trips (a hike, a pet store, the dentist, the police/ambulance visited), following instructions, etc.

I've benefited by getting involved in the school community, meeting and interacting with a classroom full of parents who have kids the same age -- and going through the same issues -- and having teachers who really care about my kids.

[Shelley]

My daughter is in preschool/daycare three days a week, and just loves it. She gets some things there that I can't (or in some cases am not willing to) provide, like practice being part of a group, formal instruction in writing letters, etc. I don't think kids who don't go to preschool are necessarily missing out, but for my daughter it's been a great thing.

Vanessa, ITA about the importance of Head Start and similar programs.

[Lisa V]

There are real, genuine reasons that children need preschool. There was a study I read 10 years ago (I remember because I had kids in preschool then) plus or minus a year, that said you can see the benefits of preschool academically and socially through the 4th grade. It's especially obvious in kindergarten.

Two of my kids went to academic preschools (where phonics, letter recognition, etc were introduced) and two went to developmental preschools (where the emphasis was on social development and getting used to the structures of school) both were beneficial to my kids. I think you need to find the philosophy that suits you and your child.

A good preschool is not daycare or babysitting or a mere playdate. It gives your child skills they will need later in school.

If I were a good commenter, I would find links for you. But when I read the study years ago, it was on paper and I have no idea who did it. Googling "effect of preschool on academics" or something would probably bring up something. Maybe "studies on preschools."

I admit a bias, I love school. I'm interested in education.

I have 4 kids, they are all curious, do well in school, are eager to learn, love to read, get along well socially and I consider this in no small part that preschool has been part of their experience.

[Steph]

My son has been in a Montessori preschool for almost 2 school years. We love most of the Montessori philosophies and are very impressed with our particular teachers and school. It is a very small and loving environment. My son tends very much to the reserved introverted side, my concern is that perhaps a play-based preschool may expose him to more social/fun/creative experiences that may help give him the opportunity to round out his personality. Understand that it is not my goal to change him, just expose him and provide him an environment that may give him greater tools in life. I'm in a real quandry on this one, any feedback welcome!!

[hedra]

Steph, Montessori will follow that as well. Most kids don't develop the real ideas about 'friends' and social relationships until 5-6 years old. They have some general rules ideas, and play together, but don't 'get into it' until later.

My kids are socially competent, but not all extroverts. The nice thing with the Montessori program was that they recognized 'socializing' as a developmental skill, and were rewarding about it even when it interfered with school 'work' (they modified the situations accordingly, to make both processes function). Our oldest didn't start getting comments home about him devoting energy to socializing until K, and then only rarely. In 1st (he was still Montessori through 3rd), a bit more. In 2nd, boy HOWDY. Socializing was his world! But he wasn't a huge socializer, and still isn't - he has friends, he likes having friends, he is very popular even - but he's not interested in maintaining more than a few friends as REAL friends, and the rest are friends as in 'people I don't mind hanging out with' rather than 'people I relate to personally and with whom I am comfortable at a deep level'.

I think you'll do fine in a good Montessori program. They know the ranges of behaviors. They know to support the social function, as it develops naturally in each child. They go to more group activities as the ages go up, so there's more 'group rules' involved as they go, as well.

I can't at all argue with how my kids function socially having been (or being still) in Montessori programs. They're each their truest selves. Granted, a friend who teaches Montessori does admit that the degree to which they trust the child enables the child to fully express their own particular quirks... so they end up with kids a bit more unique than expected sometimes. BUT, I don't mind. G has definitely a nice range of quirks. He's 10, he's into jewelry and gemstones (he's currently wearing five rings on one hand, to school). He's passionate about history, geology, and metalurgy (however that's spelled). He's comfortable with girls, he's comfortable with guys, he dislikes sports (unless it involves a weapon - archery, fencing... but then, DH is a fencer and there are weapon enthusiasts in the family), he hated being an unknown person in his new school, but doesn't use his popularity to get any benefits now that he's back to popular-enough again. He is who he is. All the way to the Nth degree.

Likewise, the others. They have their unique traits, but they are confident of them. If someone doesn't like that they like X, :shrug: - they like to be liked, and they like to please those they respect, but they don't break their own rules for it. They know how to play, they have as many friends as they can function with, and ... well, that's all okay, too.

Anyway, that's my take. We talk about the social stuff, we incorporate the opportunities, we deal with the minor crises that happen throughout childhood social life, and they still stay themselves. I think you can probably trust that, but if you're at all concerned, talk to the teachers. They'll let you know - he might not even be ready for moving that direction yet.

[Julie]

Lisa V......I can say from my own experiences that I could usually pick out most of the kids in my class who did not have preschool - and I taught 4th and 5th grades. Socially and behaviorally, they were sometimes just a *little bit* behind.

That being said, I am not saying that kids who *don't* go to preschool are at a disadvantage, just that I'm aware of the studies you are referring to and know that is what they say.

Also.....I know (and have read but sadly cannot cite here) there are *plenty* of studies that say the exact opposite. Which is the danger when you start citing research.....or making parenting decisions based on research other people say they've read. If you're worried about whatever side of the fence you fall on - do your own research. And the most important thing to make sure of when you find some is that the research you are reading is *peer reviewed*. Anyone can write a paper to convince you of their viewpoint. In 5th grade we call them "persuasive essays".....and believe me, 5th graders can write some good ones. Make sure whatever research you read and use to base your decisions on is vetted by other professionals in the field.

[stacy]

I went to full-time daycare/preschool when I was 4. I loooooved it. My center also offered kindergarten; when my parents gave me the choice to stay there for another year or go to the public school for K, I happily chose to stay.

The public school looked askance at this choice - when it came time for Grade 1, they wanted to put me in a remedial pre-1 program. But my parents refused to go along with it, and I'm glad. It wasn't necessary.

I know that so much has changed in the past 25 years, but I'm so glad my parents sent me to preschool/daycare/whatever. My own mother is not very social, I don't have siblings or cousins close in age, and I spent little time with other children before preschool. I don't think I could have been STUNTED if I stayed home until Kindergarten, but on the whole, preschool was a great thing.

I think we have to keep in mind that yes, children used to grow up with much firmer attachments to their parents...but at the same time, they also would grow up with an "extended family" of other kids the same age. If you're talking way back, village life, or even as recent as the mid-20th century, when neighbors were more friendly with each other. We really don't have that structure now if we are SAHPs. Even if we have playgroups, like Moxie said, they often dissolve. We really weren't designed to be one mother, one child in one house until age 5, you know? Humans are social creatures; we evolved in groups.

That said, I do thing *anything* can fill the gap, and "academics" are entirely unnecessary. Kids at the preschool age learn so much by playing still, anyway, why would you want them to do worksheets? They have their whole lives for that kind of dull nonsense...

[janisfan]

Actually that's not true about preK versus daycare...my 2.5 year old goes to preschool that has full day care. The more "preschool" like activities happen between 8:30 and 4 (with a nap from 1-3) while more typical "daycare" stuff happens between 7:30-8:30 and 4-6.

[K]

I loved your last post on this subject, and this to. It's such a reminder of how all of our situations can be so similar and different. I live in DC, and work part-time, though I have to pay for a full time day care spot in order to be available to my job as part-time slots generally aren't available. Anyway, a lot of people in my neighborhood also have nannies and it doesn't mean they're posh (though I guess some are). It took a while to get used to the idea.

In our area some of the schools are starting 3 year old pre-school programs. Our school system bites, with a few exceptions. The details haven't all been worked out, but some of us see the 3 year old (or special programs within them) as the gateway to getting our kid into a decent school - as opposed to private education or moving. I've had serious angst practically since before the little guy was born, about the schools here. There are more Kindegarten spots than 3 year old, and basically I think the 3 year old program (which I think is still just a "pilot" program in our part of town) is a way of trying to convince middle-income people not to flee the city as most of us usually do when our kids reach 5. But, it also means that instead of worrying about school when he's 4 1/2, it started at 2, as we look at the 3 year old program as our first opportunity to try to get the kid into a good program - as out of boundary programs and slots are by lottery and luck.

These slots are full day, and then most schools have after care, or you need to arrange other babysitting etc, for after school.

[Jen]

@Jill in Atlanta - I'm laughing out loud at your post and trying to high-five you through the computer screen!

I'm a work-away-from-home mom. I have four days on (12-hour overnights), then three days off. Little Lizard doesn't go to daycare, DH works the opposite half of the week. So, I guess you could say I'm a part-time SAHM.

Anyway, one of the reasons I go to work, and one of the reasons I'm already planning on putting Liz in preschool, is that sometimes I just. need. a. break. It's not that I don't like kids, and it's definitely not that I don't love my own daughter...but spending an entire day with anyone (husband, work partner, brother, daughter) can wear on me.

[Arden]

How are you. Fresh clean sheets are one of life's small joys.
I am from Djibouti and learning to write in English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "Other products make big promises, but nothing works as well or as fast as lamisil."

Thanks :p. Arden.

[Montana]

Hi. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
I am from Hungary and , too, and now am writing in English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "The hands are getting for the age balm about beauty shoots with a walk as their style."

With respect ;), Montana.