Review of The Ten-Year Nap by Meg Wolitzer, modern fiction.
The first 25 pages of The Ten-Year Nap made me think that the nap is about staying at home with your children, and that waking up from that nap means going back into the paid workforce. I thought this book was going to be a wry exploration of why and how upper-middle-class women in Manhattan stayed home with their kids, and when they'd finally come to their senses or bow to social or financial pressure to go back.
But, oh, did I underestimate it. Wolitzer's book is, in fact, a wry exploration of the fears and resignation and daze middle class and upper-middle class women walk around with all the time. The nap is actually this tunnel you wander into when you become a mother and all you need or can give is love and attention to mundane, minute detail.
Wolitzer's four main characters are all SAHMs, and we get to see things from each of their points of view at different times in the book. They each have different issues, but all are struggling with what their mission in life is. How their passions have shifted or stayed the same, and what they should be focusing on now that their children don't need them on a minute-by-minute basis anymore.
I think she could just as easily have written the book about a group of four WOHMs. The things they talked about might have shifted slightly from the conversations of the SAHMs, but the essence of their worries would stay the same: Am I good enough mother? Am I loving my children the best I can? Who am I? Am I living up to my potential? When will this end? If I ran into my 17-year-old self, how could I possibly face her?
I was a little surprised that Wolitzer didn't give us more of the points of view of the two WOHM characters mentioned most often in the book, but perhaps that would have messed with the narrative arc. In contrast to, oh, almost every other book I've ever read about Manhattan mothers and the majority of popular fiction about mothers in general, Wolitzer's characters don't actually resent each other for their work-life choices. Instead, they're nuanced enough to admit that they don't feel in complete control of their own lives and working situations for the most part, but far enough removed from the crucible of the infant-toddler years not to have their deflector shields up all the time. Not to each other, necessarily, but we get to see their insecurities and victories, so we get a richer picture of each woman than most modern fiction about mothers-and-work allows.
I was right that the book is wry. Wry and laugh-out-loud funny. Wolitzer has Barbara Pym-like observation skills, and has created this world that's just like reality, only with different brand names and details. There's a scene in the coffee shop that made me gasp with horrified laughter the same way I did during the liver scene in Portnoy's Complaint*. There's sadness and loss and disappointment and resignation in this book, but also fierce love and acceptance and a burnished sort of comfort.
This is the money shot of the book:
"You stayed around your children as long as you could, inhaling the ambient gold shavings of their childhood, and at the last minute you tried to see them off into life and hoped that the little piece of time you'd given them was enough to prevent them from one day feeling lonely and afraid and hopeless. You wouldn't know the outcome for a long time."
I really, really recommend this book, especially for women who have kids kindergarten age or above, or who are starting to look around at their friends and wonder, "Wait a minute! How did we get here, exactly?"
(When you do read the book, please go talk about it at the MotherTalk Book Club.)
Can we talk about one of the central themes of the book, that everyone's "supposed" to be passionate about something according to society, and what if you've never found that thing, or are no longer passionate about something that you once loved? My mentor (back before I realized she was going to be my mentor) told me that motherhood had galvanized her, and that she could see that it had galvanized me, too. She was absolutely right --before children I was lost and diffuse, with many things I was interested in but nothing I was passionate about. Having children changed me, and focused me. But I don't think it's the same for all of us.
What has happened to you? Are you more focused or less focused (don't answer this if your child is still waking at night!)? Have your priorities changed more than you expected? Do the things you used to love still thrill you, or have different things inserted themselves into your psyche?
* I'm not linking to Portnoy's Complaint because I despise the book and think it's a horrible reflection on the '60s that people thought such a misogynistic, anti-semitic piece of insipidness was "a humorous classic."
@Melanie- yes, I do sometimes struggle with feeling guilty for wanting to get away and do some me stuff for awhile. I don't have the solution. I actually started blogging because it was something for me that I could fit into my schedule, whereas most of the "me" things I did pre-Pumpkin occur on a fixed schedule that doesn't take into account my need/desire to be there for her pre-bed feeding most nights.
@Parisienne- I found going back to work to be an adjustment, but I ended up really being glad I did it. It took Pumpkin a few weeks to adjust to day care (at 5 months), but now she LOVES the place. It took me a month or so to get back into my work groove, but I eventually felt with it enough to find a new job that I like better than the one I returned to. I guess I'm saying, expect it to be hard at first, and cut yourself the slack you need to adjust. And drink lots of water. That was my main lesson from returning to work- I kept getting dehydration headaches!
Posted by: Cloud | March 28, 2008 at 06:19 PM
Oh, hydrogeek, Rachel, both Amys, and JoAnn, thanks for saying so much for me.
I had a career I loved, adored, and gave my early adulthood to. It was utterly fantastic and if I hadn't gotten pregnant (at age 36), I would definitely still be doing it and still be happy.
Most of my friends felt that way about parenting, and frankly, it's been a real disappointment to me that I don't love being a parent as much as I loved my job. There, I said it.
I was also better at my job than I am at parenting.
I also did it (my job) longer, but I think it just suited me better. I have more patience at my job, am a more creative thinker at my job, and get more energy from my job than I do from my family.
I wish that weren't true. I wanted to be a SAHM only to discover it doesn't suit me. But my job is one that demands so much travel and so many hours, I can't do it again in good conscience until my kids are old enough that they WANT to see me less! (Kidding. Sort of.)
My saving grace this year has been a part time job in a different department of the company where I used to work. It's not the amazing experience of my other job, but it is terrific in its own way. And I'm sorry it's ending soon but has given me enough of what I need for my soul to get by until the kids are old enough for me to go back full time.
But it is really hard to have given up my absolute passion for something I thought I would love as much and be as good at...only to have it turn out just the opposite. I am never, ever sorry to have had my kids...like every mom, I truly think they are amazing and will be my gift to the world. I just wish I were as good at mothering as I was in my career, and that I liked parenting and found it as rewarding as I did my career. And at least at these stages of their lives, I most certainly am not.
No one in my real life ever talks about this. I thank you Moxie & community for giving me a place, even anonymously, to voice this.
Posted by: no names please | March 28, 2008 at 06:39 PM
@Lisa, thank you. We should coffee again soon!
@no names please, you are so not alone. Do you remember the flap over this interview with Felicity Huffman (Salon's the best link I can find, I think you have to watch a quick ad if you're not a member)
http://www.salon.com/ent/video_dog/media/2006/01/17/felicity/index.html?sid=1426656
It was such a great moment of honesty.
Posted by: Charisse | March 28, 2008 at 06:56 PM
yep. turning 40. Kids 7 and 4 (youngest going to elementary school in the fall). I opted out when I had kids because I had no passion then. Now that I'm emerging from the bubble, I'm finding that I really want to do something. I just don't know. My passion seems to be big, but short-lived. But I don't worry about it now as much as I did, pre-kids.
I bought a copy of the book before I left a comment. Thank you for bringing it.
Posted by: debinsf | March 28, 2008 at 07:40 PM
I feel almost as lost now as I did before having a child. but as I type that, maybe not as lost, and I have more reason for finding my way now, both for him and for myself.
Growing up I was always pressured with 'you're so smart.' everyone seemed to have a lot invested in my smarts, yet it was such a vague comment, what the hell was I supposed to do? the answer, Go To College. From grade 6 if not before, intense pressure. no guidance, no help exploring myself & my talents, just go to college. So I burned myself out getting good grades & being by the book in high school, got to college & then proceeded to drink, cut class & totally not do well when released from my parents & grandparents strict rules. the awful self talk about 'not living up to my potential' has haunted me for years.
Through college (default to English major) and after I waitressed, and the culture of the restaurant folks seemed fun at the time, but what a waste of money on drinking. Odd receptionist/office jobs, and temping my way into university jobs once I settled here w/my to-be husband, and always feeling the tension between 'there must be more' and the fear of failure crap. Loads & loads of shame.
I had what could've been my dream job, working advising college kids (way healing working w/kids the age at which I had the most trouble) yet dysfunctional office politics & my own dysfunctional patterns led to me resigning after having the bean. It was a relief in some ways.
And now as I cope with my panic attacks & what's up w/me emotionally & physically, I feel compelled to unravel this, so that my son has a better chance of not following in my painful footsteps, or maybe it will just be a little less painful. Looking at the anxiety I've experienced since becoming a mom, and the increase since weaning, the AHA moment of going, wow, I *wasn't* "too sensitive" all my life, it's ALWAYS been anxiety, somehow that is helping, and I feel less defensive.
I WANT to find something fulfilling, or something that I at least LIKE to do and feel competent yet learn from. Being a SAHM isn't working for me as well as I'd hoped, I'm pretty bored which feeds my anxiety. I can't imagine trying to get a job with as crappy as I feel right now, & balance getting Bean to childcare, worries about cc, and handling work, family, me time, when I can't hack it as it is. I have so much respect for women who WOH, as well as for those with more than one child.
I've always gotten a lot of self-esteem from doing jobs I'm overqualified for really well, and now I am painfully unqualified for this job and am smacked in the face w/my inefficiency, and what seems hardly 'good-enough' parenting on a daily basis. And being alone w/my head all day, yikes, I do wallow in it.
I'm almost 44, and I knew this journey of motherhood would kick my ass, but I had no idea how damn hard it would. it's challenged everything, and I know I'll come out the other side for the better, I just have to keep reminding myself I will. I guess I shouldn't post as bean is only 2.5 & still waking, and I don't feel as coherent as I'd like but the topic was way compelling.
thanks for all the great and thoughtful comments. much food for thought.
Posted by: Lisa F. | March 28, 2008 at 09:21 PM
Oh & that Felicity Huffman interview was amazing! thanks for sharing it.
Posted by: Lisa F. | March 28, 2008 at 09:22 PM
@no names--THANK YOU for saying that!!! All I have EVER wanted from the time I was a very small girl was to be a mother. I *begged* my first husband to let me get pregnant, had two children, was a SAHM, and then? I lived for them to nap. I struggled with having a PhD that just sat on the shelf. Who was I??? I adored my children, of course. But, I didn't really adore being a mother. Man, that is so hard to say for me. I went back to work full time out of necessity when #2 was 2. And that changed my world... suddenly I felt a greater sense of purpose... but at the same time felt immensely guilty that being a mother hadn't given me that sense of purpose ('cause my brain says raising the children you desperately wanted should be THE PURPOSE). But in some sense the freedom from being a SAHM also led to the divorce. Long story. So, here I am with a husband I adore (who completely understands me), two school-aged kids who make me smile, a new baby, a teaching job I love... all the PURPOSE imaginable... and I just don't feel up to the task.
@pnuts mama--Thanks for reminding me that these things are cyclical. I think my biggest problem right now is that my daughter (5.5 y.o) is really struggling with being the middle child and feeling un-loved, and un-paid-attention-to. And I'm feeling really guilty about that which makes me feel crappy about everything else in my life as well... HEY, how did your doctor's appt. go?
Posted by: Amy | March 28, 2008 at 09:27 PM
Fantastic topic, Moxie. All you people are freaking amazing, with the honesty and the love and the beautiful lives you are struggling to live to the fullest.
I consciously gave up pursuing a singing career ten years ago, for various reasons. Thinking, starry-eyed, "I'll just sing to my kids when I have them, that will be enough musical fulfillment for me." Um. No. Turns out that making music is my passion, and though I love singing lullabyes to my babies, I need more than that as well. So I'd say motherhood has focused me, in a way; as Charisse said, it's given me freedom to prune. I've realized there are a few things I really need, and then there are other things I once enjoyed, or felt I should be doing, that I can let go without regrets. I'm never going to be a star, or have my own punk band (: But I can take a step here, a step there, and begin making music again. You know, maybe the biggest contribution to my "passion" that motherhood has made is the willingness to let it be a step-by-step process. I think I used to be more all-or-nothing; I thought I'd have to go back to school or something huge in order to have music in my life again. But the nature of my version of SAHM life has been all about a minute here, a minute there, I can't clean the kitchen but I can wipe this counter and that's SOMETHING, dangit! So I'm completely at peace with a small-scale musical life; I can't take lessons but I can hack out this one hymn on the piano, five minutes, and that's so much better than nothing. And as they get older it will get better (then worse, then better, etc) so keeping that spark alive will pay off. And you know, even if it didn't "pay off", it's a moment of joy, a moment of myself, and I give myself permission to find or make those moments in my life.
Awesome "money shot" from the book, Moxie.
Posted by: kates | March 28, 2008 at 09:54 PM
Motherhood has definitely focused me. I've become passionate about natural childbirth, breastfeeding, hypnobirthing, positive discipline and child development...none of which I knew anything about before this amazing journey.
My job has good benefits and pays bills, but someday I hope to explore more of my new interests. Perhaps I'll become a doula...
Posted by: meggiemoo | March 28, 2008 at 10:02 PM
I'll be the eightieth commenter to say I've been thinking about this very thing, pretty much daily, for about as long as I can remember. I'm artistic, interested in so many areas, master of none. My BFA from a highly regarded school for Theatrical Design only exposed me to more areas I could get passionate about. I've filled my life with children, taking in others' children as a 'temporary' career (now 7 years running) until my three (and the others I hope are yet to come) are in school and need me less, so I have time to focus on creating whatever it is I decide to create. I love being home with them and am fine with getting out of the house every so often, for now. I've filled my home with my creative outlets; photography, painting, sculpting, furniture building, quilting, sewing, costuming, decorating, jewelry, writing gardening, cooking. Wow, just writing them all down is kind of daunting. I've been teaching classes (craft related) periodically and love it, but would rather be creating something myself. I don't want to be a factory, selling mass- hand produced wares at fairs, etc. Like Moxie, I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, as a career. Hahaha... I love that. :) I need to make some kind of a living.
I have aha moments all the time. My latest is to buy an old farm with an architecturally striking barn and open an event venue that's part flower farm, part event planner, and part art shop. (I saw an article about someone else who did this.) I just now thought that I should maybe found an arts center. Start small, build it up. Teach all kinds of different media. I live in a medium- sized working- class midwestern city. There's not much around here like that.
Okay... there I go again... see what I mean? I'm only 32, like Lisa F. got through college waitressing, then had office jobs, then had kids. Never got focused. My mother is always saying "Oh, I read about this woman who did X... you should do that!!! You would be so great at that!!!" Yes, she is totally impressed with the childcare business I run now, but still.
I've always dreamed I'd be a mother, and feel it's come very naturally to me; but it also feels very temporary. I love what I'm doing now, but I still feel like I did in High School; dreaming of what I want to do when I grow up. I just hope I don't end up a Crazy Loopy Scattered Old Lady who's children have to work for weeks after she dies just to find her couch underneath all the Craft Supplies. Maybe I could call my old guidance counselor...
Posted by: Joy | March 28, 2008 at 11:17 PM
oooh, meggiemoo, good observation that with this new adventure of motherhood sometimes it brings new passions to your life that never could have existed before.
@amy- the cyclical thing always hits me well *after* the upswing has come- and it nearly always is connected to when my own girl is in her own developmental funk- i mean we are so connected how couldn't it affect me? i believe hedra has a very good understanding of the idea of needing to grow your own skills as your kids outgrow your skillsets, etc.
i think you should also give yourself permission to just *be* for awhile- it's ok if everyday isn't an oprah moment, and it's certainly ok to not feel as though every moment of your day needs to be in service to your children or depends upon adoration of them- for one thing, that puts an enormous amount of responsibility on both you and them that shouldn't be a part of your relationship. i've started to realize that my kid is another person in my life that is their own person, no matter whether she was birthed by me or not- and it frees me from some of that.
@no names & lisa- i think the disappointment that the unachievable standards we have set upon motherhood as = sainthood/vocation (oh, so much to say on the [male dominated]churches role on that, but now is not the time) sets most of us up for an inevitable questioning of "is that all there is?" ends up in this lifelong struggle fro women. what most of us won't admit as a group is that what is expected of us to be/to feel/to act to be considered a "good mother" is IMPOSSIBLE- the most we can expect to be as imperfect people is the mom that we are happy with accepting as 'good enough'- and that as individuals, we'll each experience that is very different but equally valid ways.
***
@ amy- i had a fantastic dr appt yesterday- my cervix has surprisingly lengthened! (as hedra said it might!) so i am still supposed to stay on the modified bedrest ("keep doing whatever you're doing" the peri said) so here i gratefully sit. thanks so much for asking, we are truly thrilled.
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 28, 2008 at 11:29 PM
Kates--your post really resonated with me. The idea that you used to be "all or nothing." I struggle with that too. I tend to get super enthusiastic about most things, and when I used to get passionate about a cause, a career path, etc. pre-kids it used to bubble up inside of me and almost spill over w/its intensity. It's like I couldn't keep it contained and had to throw my whole body and self into the challenge. It was almost like being hypomanic. At the time (of experiencing the passion, the drive) the feeling was incredibly joyful but at times it also felt burdensome and "too much" - and I knew at some level it covered up a feeling of always being dissatisfied, depressed and empty on some level. So, the next thing would come along and consume me, I'd throw my whole being into it, and then eventually, I'd deflate.
I think being a mother has allowed for me to find more balance. To experience small moments of joy and not worry about what they will lead to and just to try to enjoy the present, momentary happiness. I don't let my feelings consume me as much which is both a good and a bad thing.
Right now I have a pretty good balance of a PT job that is interesting at times and that I enjoy well enough-- a kind of a "tide me over" "good gig" kind of a job until I have the time to do what I really want to do. I have to remind myself that I have chosen this path for myself and that my time at home with my children is too important to me to spend the time and energy that it would take for me to be living my dream "career." But, I know that one day it will come. I challenge myself to remember that I am the author of my life-- that life and my choices don't happen to me-- and if I find that my life in its current iteration isn't working for me any longer I will change it. Life remains fluid. I am not stuck.
Right now I am challenged b/c there may be a full-time job coming up in my department that would be a perfect fit for me - that I do have an intense passion about. And, I'd have a good chance of being hired for it. But, I have to remind myself that the balance in my life is something that I will continue to choose for myself as long as I have young kids. So, no full-time job for me-- even though the prospect of denying myself this opportunity right now is very painful. And, I have two children-- one is seven months-- and I intend to have one more, so I will probably continue to make these compromises for a while. And, that is a small joy in and of itself that I can approach these decisions with a clear mind, despite the difficulties of the choosing.
Posted by: Jamie | March 28, 2008 at 11:36 PM
Also, something that I don't think anyone has addressed here...the partners/fathers, etc. Where I feel that motherhood has galvanized me, I see my DH doing many fewer of the things that used to fulfill him and bring him joy. We've spoken about it, and he recognizes it, but that's about as far as he's gotten.
He loves being a Dad, but it's seemed to have replaced some things in his life, rather than added to them, for good or bad.
Posted by: meggiemoo | March 29, 2008 at 08:00 AM
@meggiemoo- i'm glad you mentioned the roles our partners play in all this- i was totally thinking yesterday about how different my husband's life is now that we have the pnut and all the things/passions that he has had to give up or put on hold for now as well.
thanks for bringing up the very important point that it's definitely not just the mama's whose lives are so re-shaped after having children.
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 29, 2008 at 11:01 AM
I am just trying to make it through each day. Of course I love my DD. But she is 3.5 and she's BUSY! I work PT, mostly at home. So that is kind of the best of both worlds. But, man, there is never enough time in the day. Anyone else struggling with Everything That Has To Get Done? Time for passions, hobbies..NOT. I'm just happy to get to bed before midnite. Sometimes I think if I were just more organized, more focused... After all, lots of moms do it. I have a Master's degree for pete's sake. I used to run a huge division of a huge company. Now I cant handle running a house and a preschooler! Waah, Waah ! Now I feel bad for whining!
Posted by: Tracy | March 29, 2008 at 11:33 AM
oh Tracy, I'm with you, completely demoralized by not being able to keep up with Everything, much less get ahead. sigh. DS is 2.5, 3 in July, and claims my attention almost all the time. (except for right now when he's hiding for his poop time!)
I've never been good at grocery shopping & meal planning (and I foolishly thought, oh we'll save loads of $$, I can learn how to plan, cook loads of things, and pack lunches for DH, HAhahahahaha.) and now it's just so random.
And, meggie moo, thanks for mentioning the partners & effect on their lives. DH's life wasn't really full prior to DS due to anxiety & random retail schedule, so it's not like he's given up a lot, I think the lack of friends & activities is just more glaring now. All he does is work, and relieve me & spend time w/DS.
whoever quoted Moxie as saying it'll get worse, then better, then worse. THANK YOU for the reminder. I remember when bean was an infant and finally hitting a place where we had our routine, nursing was going well, and I thought OK, now I've *got* it! and shortly thereafter it would all go to hell again. I mention this to new moms, but I forget that it's still ongoing.
I love my bean So very much, he's amazing and it's wonderful seeing him grow & learn, but it's so hard and I'm so worn out.
Another thing that helped me recently was seeing someone quote "Your Two Year Old" I think it was, saying that moms of 2 yos need Lots of breaks. Thanks Moxie for telling me about those books, I've ordered both the 2yo (a bit belatedly!) and the 3yo books. looking forward to getting more perspective.
Posted by: Lisa F. | March 29, 2008 at 01:38 PM
@Lisa F...you described my DH perfectly: "DH's life wasn't really full prior to DS due to anxiety & random retail schedule, so it's not like he's given up a lot, I think the lack of friends & activities is just more glaring now. All he does is work, and relieve me & spend time w/DS."
Of course, I'm not really doing much else than parenting, commuting, making meals, etc., either, but I think I feel more zen about it than he does.
Posted by: meggiemoo | March 29, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Ohh, this debate is very timely for me as well. My little girl is now 6 months old and my maternity leave is now finishing. We had decided that I would be a stay at home mum and then yesterday, my old employer phoned me up saying that the person who took my position has now quit and offering me basically all or part of my old job (design and typesetting), working from home, on just about any terms I would like to name.
I am incredibly lucky in that I get to choose to work, part time, full time or to be a stay at home mum, whatever I want but I am conflicted because my job was not my passion. My passion, books, reading, writing and in particular, children's books, had given me much but had burnt me out in a bad job. I had thought that being a stay at home mum would, in time, give me the opportunity to write - a long cherished dream. Nowadays, I find it difficult to find time to blog! Throw into the mix that I had 3 miscarriages before having my baby and that I would like (ideally) 2 more children and I am 37. Given these circumstances, then the next 2-3 years are likely to be almost back to back pregnancies, with possible pregnancy losses as well.
Sorry, this is very confused musing, but the job offer has really thrown me a loop. I had made my peace with being a stay at home mum and I really enjoy it most of the time and have been happy to channel my creativity and passion into my home and family at this time. But am I wasting my skills? If I go back to the semi-fulfilling job, will that give me the perfect procrastination excuse not to write? Are the small passions of my life (gardening, cooking, home making, painting, music, books etc) a good enough contribution or will only the big passion do? If I don't write that book, will it be the one thing I regret not doing?
As you can tell, I'm going round and round on these issues, so the debate here is very helpful. Thanks for providing this debate, Moxie!
Posted by: Sky | March 29, 2008 at 04:27 PM
@no names please - you and my mom...
I've told this story before, but it is relevant here. My mom had seven kids. Over time, people would ask her the same two questions, over and over. Are you sorry you had them, and if you had the chance would you do it over? They were feeling her out on satisfaction and regret.
Her answers changed over time. When we were all little, she said no, I don't regret it at all, but would I do it over? Probably not. Certainly not so many. Not that she could pick who she'd skip (other than one brother around three years old! LOL!), just ... it wasn't feeding her soul.
When we were all teens, she said, loud and clear: "YES, I regret it, and NO I wouldn't do it over again if you paid me a million bucks!" Teen after teen after teen, each with different versions of angst. Goodie.
When the last of us was an adult, the answer changed again. It became 'No, I absolutely don't regret it, and I would do it all again - every moment, every fear, every sleepless night, every tragedy (even her eldest son dying in her arms), again. It was all worth it. More than worth it.'
Basically, the payoff wasn't 'here and now' for her. It wasn't in the trenches. The goal, she discovered, wasn't in having a relationship with her children, it was in having relationships with adults who happened to have been her children. We're growing always toward that relationship, that's the payoff, that's the real deal. Everything else is just prep. Long, slow, tedious, exhausting, prep. Never knowing if you're doing it right at all, well at all, knowing that you have more surety at work, more effectiveness with adults, more regard, respect, and all with less effort than parenthood demands. My mom was a pretty darn good mom (most of the time), she was a freakin' BRILLIANT minister. If one had to compare the two for 'success on a measurable scale' in the midst of either 'career', ministry would have been the shining star. It fed her, it worked, she changed lives, brought together families, gave hope...
And yet, she's also very clear now that we're all grown, that in being a less-than-perfect parent, one who certainly did NOT enjoy the daily slog of it, who didn't live for it, someone who felt it was a grungy, thankless, endless job... she would give up having done the 'job-she-did-brilliantly-and-thrived-in' over the 'parenthood-she-did-okay-enough-and-survived'. The payoff comes late. But it comes, and it doesn't have to be now. The adult child to adult parent relationship is the rest of your lives. That's the real goal. It's not parenting small kids or school kids or teens. It's being in relationship with people who are your children but who are responsible for their own lives. THAT's where you'll likely find the joy. Not now.
I do enjoy being a mom of kids, I thrive on it a lot of days. And other days, I just slog through. I find my mom's position one I can lean on - I don't regret having kids, and I would still have this many... but mainly because I know that right now, handling the three kids climbing on me and screaming while I'm trying to interview a potential nanny (ARGH!), this is NOT the goal. This moment is to be lived, sure, but this is not the goal, this is not the payoff, this is not the reason for being a parent. That comes later, when parenthood is a relationship, not a job.
Posted by: hedra | March 29, 2008 at 05:05 PM
@sky, I have a similar problem - I'm being head-hunted for a full-time gig. Not so much flexibility is expected, more hours almost certainly, exciting, interesting, all the stuff I'm 'into' professionally laid out there waiting.
Do I take it? Okay, so I haven't interviewed (just phone screened) - the interview is Thurs. They might not give it to me. I find myself wanting it, and dreading it, equally. Trying to figure out a way to make it work for the flexibility I so love about contracting, trying to figure out a way to have that work for the job and the company itself - there's a lot of start-up activity required. Granted, coming right into summer, which is PERFECT timing - summer hours are so much easier than school hours! Nanny means time is on my side. BUT, BUT...
At least this time the opportunity is after weaning, everyone in school, not so scary. But I so like having a little time at the end of the day with the kids before bedtime... in just a few more years, it will be everyone on the bus... oh, that would be so nice, and then the job would be shining ideal. Instead it's really exciting and daunting at once.
Sigh. Eh, we'll see how the interview goes.
Posted by: hedra | March 29, 2008 at 05:22 PM
BK (Before Kids) I had a career. I had dreams of being great at work. I drank more than I slept - and definitely could last on 4 hours of sleep. I dated more than I'd like to admit. I bought what I wanted without thinking about it.
AK (After Kids) I am a mom. I quit my job to find a new career that made a difference in the world. I'm back at school to get to that new career. I think about others before myself. I've become an environmentalist. I've actually been voting Democrat instead of Republican. I can't remember the last time I went drinking (and it's not b/c I drank so much that I forgot!).
I am not the person I was in college. I'm not the career oriented person I thought I'd be.
But I am a better person in my own eyes - less judgmental and more...happy. Yep. Definitely live for every moment. I love it.
Posted by: Toni | March 29, 2008 at 08:50 PM
Thanks for letting me off the hook about whether I am more or less diffuse. Cause I don't feel galvanized yet, but then my 3 year olds (yes more than one; yes, twins) are not sleeping through the night regularly yet.
Love the blog!
-Valerie in KS
Posted by: Valerie in KS | March 29, 2008 at 10:57 PM
I can't comment coherently because of the fog that I live in these days but it is SO REASSURING to hear that there are so many women out there who feel like they're still waiting things to click and make sense.
I am a person who has many wonderful ideas and lack the follow-through to implement any/all of them. My life seems to pass in dreams more so in reality a lot of times.
I chose a career that I enjoy for the most part but also knew it would be compatible with children and family because I knew I wanted to do that. But then again that is because my childhood dreams of first being an astronaut and then a writer never were encouraged and so coupled with my lack of follow-throughness I went a safe route. A good route. Not the best route but a good route. I currently indulge in my career part-time and while I enjoy it I am still waiting for that grown-up feeling most days.
Then again that grown-up feeling lacks not only in my career but also in my life. Most days I just slog through waiting for life to start.
Motherhood has brought me the greatest sense of security in the world though. The lost wanderer feeling... that feeling of where do I belong has been answered. But it has not helped bring things professionally or the daily mundane crap in focus. It has brought me, the person I want to be, and the relationships I want to have/ keep/ build in focus. But it has also brought the lowest of lows in terms of "is this it"? This is the big deal...
So for now I live... I am. And pnuts mama thank you thank you thank you for saying that not everyday has to be an Oprah moment (love that btw). Another pressure to live up to.. "living your best life" all the time. Sometimes that best life is to "just be"
Posted by: z | March 29, 2008 at 11:25 PM
~pnuts mama
Reading through comments I realized that I haven't been up-to-date in your pregnancy. Glad to hear about your recent good Drs visit and hope all is well.
We are here in our last month. When this summer are you due? I will need a partner to commiserate with.
Posted by: z | March 29, 2008 at 11:27 PM
I am a SAHM of a 14 month old. Today my moms group had our one year anniversary. Out of twelve moms, I am the only mom who is not working. The topic and the questions (what's your plan?) kept coming up over and over again. It always touches a very tender spot in me. I feel myself shrink and search for excuses. After reading a lot of the comments above (thank you to everyone) I've realized a few things and I feel empowered enough to share them.
1. My concept of what a passion *should* be is taken straight out of childhood. It hasn't fully matured alongside me. My mom always told me, "Find a career that you love, and you will be happy." She raised three kids while working full-time and I have the working-mom role firmly rooted in my head as the ideal woman. It doesn't help that my mom considers SAHMs to be lazy, self-centered, "slothful" (her word) creatures. Ai! It hurts to write it outloud.
2. I deeply resent my mother for choosing her work over time spent with us kids. She worked all day and then came home and worked some more, because she wanted to. Again, this too is stuck in a childhood view, but there it is.
3. I am happy about the choices I've made to be here, with my son. I actually feel more satisfied in my "work" than I ever have been. When I got my last prominent job, I told myself, "I'm somebody!" Why? Because I had a respectful title in a respectful field? It makes me sad now. I always was somebody.
I have a lot more reflecting to do, but thank you again for validating and confirming a few things for me...
Posted by: Basil | March 30, 2008 at 01:49 AM
@Basil--I don't think you should ever feel bad about making the decision to stay at home. And as someone who was a SAHM for 4+ years, I can vouch that there was nothing lazy or self-centered about it!! I think I worked harder than I do now as a WOHM.
But your connection to your own childhood is interesting. I, too, was raised by a WOHM. I *hated* it. I hated that she wasn't there waiting for me at the end of the day, didn't come along on field trips (though I seem to recall she did take off once or twice to do this). My mom wanted to be there... she just couldn't.
Anyway, fast-forward to my own kids. My teaching schedule allows me to be the one who takes them to school and picks them up at the end of *their* school day. One day last year my son lamented that he didn't get to go to after-school care. "Why can't we go to after-school care? Why do you have to pick us up?" Huh? I guess the grass is greener. My point is that while being a SAHM is important to you because of your own childhood, it is entirely possible your son won't even notice what you have given him. Not that we shouldn't give them our all... just pointing out that they might not even see it the way we do!
Posted by: amy | March 30, 2008 at 11:18 AM
@Hedra--As usual, your comment is bringing something into focus for me. Reading about your mom brought tears to my eyes. There are so many days that I feel that way about my own children. I cannot wait to see them as adults. I do not ever, ever, ever regret them. Sure, I hate the day-to-day sometimes. I hate feeling like all of our time is spent moving them from one task to another: "Brush your teeth, now come here so I can brush your hair. Where are your socks? I told you to put on your socks. What do you mean the baby is playing in the cat box?..." But I know that each day is bringing us to something bigger. My fear though is that I'll sit and look at them as adults and lament the fact that I didn't enjoy them more as children. I fear that the day-to-day slog overshadows the milestones that they hit each day as they grow and learn and work out the world around them. But as usual, reading the comments here has helped me see more clearly what it is I want and what I need to be doing.
Posted by: amy | March 30, 2008 at 11:33 AM
Here, buried in the last of these comments, hidden down where no one will probably ever read, I would like to state that I believe that the world is made up of many different types of people and that is a good thing. However, sometimes, there is a societal belief that the way that one group does things is the *right* way. Should we *all* have a passion? Certainly not, because there is no way that we *all* can do anything. We'll all have different definitions of passion. We'll all have different expectations of ourselves.
There are also times when reading about how others are doing certain things and doing them successfully only serves to make some people feel worse about themselves. They feel that they *should* be able to do this, that or the other thing because they have read that other people--people that they respect--are doing it that way. But, the writers may have very different dispositions than the readers, setting up an emotional gulf that cannot be bridged by any amount of understanding or sympathy.
Some folks live their lives "knowing" that there is one thing on this earth that they are "supposed" to be doing. Some of these folks know what this one thing is and find utter joy in fulfilling their self-expectations. Other, much more unlucky, souls in this group know that they should have a passion, but do not know what it is. They slog through life feeling a lack, something constantly missing.
On the other hand, some people in this world do *not* feel that there is such a thing that they are "supposed" to do in their lives. They can find fulfillment in many things, perhaps not *everything,* but in many things.
When people from this second group give advice to people in the first group it can often sound like this, "Oh, can you not just be happy with the little things?" No, the person with the "supposed to" instinct might say, no, I can't be happy with the little things. Where's the purpose in that, where's the overarching theme in such actions?
On the other hand, when people from the first group give advice to the people in the second group it can often sound like this, "I'm sure that there is something out there that you can be passionate about. You'll know it when you see it. It'll be the thing you think about all day every day to the exclusion of all else." This might just sound like an unhealthy obsession to someone without a "supposed to do" instinct.
In the interests of full disclosure, I am solidly in the second camp. I could do most things, and as long as I am making a contribution to society both inside and outside the home, I'd be fine with it. My DH, on the other hand, is in the first camp. He is waiting to find that job that will allow him to fulfill his higher purpose.
Perhaps you all might disagree with my assessment, and say that the dichotomy I have created here is a false one found only in my own home. Perhaps you are right...but I'm pretty sure I read ghosts of it in these posts and I hope you will accept my contribution to the discussion.
Posted by: attiton | March 30, 2008 at 01:19 PM
@attiton...I like what you wrote very much. And I think that maybe I've been thinking I was in the first group (one big passion) my whole life, but I'm actually quite happy in the 2nd group. Lots of little things bring me joy.
Posted by: meggiemoo | March 30, 2008 at 03:15 PM
attiton, very interesting.
I think I'm in the 2nd group, but have been programmed to think I *should* be in the first group...creating much tension & unhappiness.
Posted by: Lisa F. | March 30, 2008 at 06:45 PM
The only thing about which I have ever been really, truly passionate, is my kid. Of course that's a happy thing about which to be passionate, but I have mourned not having another real passion and still hope to find it one day.
Posted by: cat, galloping | March 30, 2008 at 09:14 PM
Attiton, thanks for your comment. Maybe we move between the groups? I was in group 1 and happy. Now I'm in group 2 and happy. Maybe when little bear is grown and gone, I'll find myself back in group 1 ??
Posted by: Annie | March 30, 2008 at 09:18 PM
I haven't read the book but am taking it on a vacation with me. I currently am an executive at a financial services firm in mpls. mn. I have a 4 had 6 year old who are growing up so fast-too fast. I have to admit I can't manage it all. The big career, the home life, the sheer desire to be a great mom and really know my kids. It is all about foundation, as they rebel and gain the gumption to fly out of the nest do they want to return? Have you given them a reason to?
No matter what my job is and how much I have on the my plate the boys are "Mommy's boys" and need every once of energy I have. The reality is the choices seem very hard. Our household is backwards in terms of the traditional sense as I would love to be sahm, but I make almost 4 times what my husband does and to make a career change would be a lifestyle change, a new house, potential money stress, which we have never delt with. I am looking forward to the reflection on the book as I am getting the chance to spend the full minutes of the day with the boys and consider the choices I have and what each of them means. Let me know if anyone in my situation has made a change and the good, bad and ugly.
Posted by: JS | March 30, 2008 at 09:38 PM
~attiton- thanks for your comment. I think maybe I too am part of the 2nd group and looking to be a part of the 1st because i feel i "have to" or "should".
~Annie- i think you're right with us being in different camps at different times.
Posted by: z | March 30, 2008 at 11:35 PM
@Charrese: That Felicity Huffman interview was gold. Thank you. I loved it.
@Hedra: I wonder all the time about my kids as adults, and pray that I don't alienate them so much in childhood that they discard me when they can. (Not that I would blame them. Which is a bummer and feels like cold water on my face when I think about it. But yep, I can feel myself being the mom I was grateful I *didn't* have. Sigh.)
@JS: Bingo. I hope I give them enough reason to return...but I feel like I don't know how. So I can't give advice that way. I can tell you that I was the higher wage earner when I left to become a SAHM. We had banked a lot, inherited some, and created a financial safety net for me to be able to stay home for at least a few years. I know I will be picking up where I left off when I get back to work full time, which is really losing ground, but we can recover. (Retire is another question...)
Does your company grant sabbaticals? One now would put you in a good place for them as small boys, and another later when they are in middle school, which many friends warn me is an even more important time to be home than when they are little.
Everyone who wrote words of support (amy, pnut's mama--congrats on the pregnancy news!--attiton, etc.)--thank you. It helps to think I'm not alone in this dual world of adoring my kids and wishing I were the mom I want them to have, while missing my job like I would miss a limb. I'm sorry that anyone else is going through it but it is comforting that I'm not totally alone in it.
And I loved the spur on how kids always seem to crave what they don't have (afterschool care vs SAHM, or at least AH by the time school's out). I struggle wondering whether I'll be a better mom if I WOH because I'll be happier? Or if the fulltime care tradeoff would be too much. My mental outlook certainly improved with the PT job that is coming to an end soon. But the few weeks I've put in close to full time have been very difficult on my kids. I feel like that scene in Gone With the Wind where Rhett tells Scarlett "A cat's a better mother than you" but in the same breath, that all their daugher wanted was to be home with her mother. (Not that I think I don't do a little better than our feline friends. That was just to set the scene if you haven't seen the movie/read the book in a while.) So I feel like even if I'm not as creative and wonderful as I want to be, for my younger one at least, being me and being home seems to be enough for him.
Thanks, all, for being there with your thoughtful and interesting replies. And thanks Moxie, for creating this haven for these kinds of respectful, supportive discussions.
Posted by: no names please | March 31, 2008 at 12:41 AM
~Tracy
"Sometimes I think if I were just more organized, more focused... After all, lots of moms do it."
Oh, what a deadly way to think (I know, because I do it too)!
Other moms, I realize -- partly thanks to Moxie -- are flailing and second-guessing themselves and blissed-out and frustrated, and on top of it all, sleep deprived. The ones who aren't are either cutting corners I've decided to cut or have hired help that we can't afford.
Posted by: Slim | March 31, 2008 at 06:59 AM
@attiton, it's funny that you mention that - It's something I kind of tried to say with the 'just being/living' thing. But I have an interesting story to go with it, to illustrate.
I have some very odd experiences in my life, surrounding my kids. One of the parts of that is having 'met' my kids before they were born - as a child, I knew three of them, dreamed them in dreams from the time I was seven (they kept me from killing myself, literally). The fourth let herself be known to me a year before she was conceived, in an experience so powerful (and during waking hours, not dreams) that I lost color vision for about an hour, and physical equilibrium for longer. Maybe those experiences can be explained in less *meaningful* ways, but .. eh, it's how I choose to interpret them.
Anyway, that pattern led me from early on to ask 'what is the life path for these kids, that they're so direct even before birth?' - a friend who 'knows that kind of stuff' (relatively eerily) was very clear about the life path of the first - it was 'his' (that is, it wasn't necessary for me to know what it was, which was useful in restricting my curiosity) but it involved a mentoring relationship with me in some way. Which is really how our relationship has worked out, though maybe it wouldn't have if I hadn't been prompted for it, who knows. The second, though, she said was just here to be here. No great personal plans, just be human, and experience being himself. It was obviously as important for him to just BE as it was for the other to have a goal and a drive and a dream. They both have plans and intentions, the eldest is very passionate and driven ABOUT his dreams. The second is just passionate - not ABOUT anything in particular, just as the experience of feeling, doing, experiencing. He's very 'in himself', he seems to relish just being alive.
I haven't asked about the girls, really - I found I don't so much need to know, perhaps because I now understand that as much as people seem to come into the world with their own agendas and missions, the capital letters are not required. The 'life path' can be just going along, being themselves, seeing where life takes them. There's no great cause or urgency required. There's a spectrum of 'being alive because I'm alive' to 'being alive to do something personal or interpersonal' to 'being alive to do something 'important''. The 'why am I here?' question doesn't have to be answered with 'to change the world' - it can just be 'because you are'.
And when it comes down to it, I tend to go with the buddhist view that life is best done by living it. Whatever it is, just being there, paying attention to what you're doing now, rather than what you need to be doing next. Whether you have a great passion or no need for passion, being right there in that, asking nothing else and not comparing our lives to others, that's the best way to live.
@no names please, and @ amy - we have those times, too. I often ask myself - will they remember just the times I was yelling to get them out the door? Will the times I danced with them on my hip in the kitchen or got them to help me cook be eclipsed by the times I told them to get out because I couldn't focus on cooking with all the noise? One of my efforts to counteract that is doing 'dates' with the kids. I'm always trying to build their skills, but I try to sometimes make time to let them just be with me and have fun, let them run the event or the afternoon. It's hard - we don't do it often enough, not with the twins still little and the schedule tight due to a short-term professional requirement (short-term being a year and a half). My mom did the same thing with us - she bought season tickets to the dance theater, and took each of us in turn. Do I remember all the times I went? No. I remember once. And I remember the fury and heartbreak the time they misremembered whose turn it was and took my brother when I was certain it was my turn (hey, maybe I was wrong, but as a child I knew I wasn't). I remember a lot of pretty rotten things in my childhood, as my mom had limited time and energy, 'too many' kids, a job, school... at the same time, what happened EARLY in childhood was really only part of our relationship. The larger part developed around when I was 10, and through 14, and then again after 18 (with a gap in there where I was trying to figure myself out). Further, it became complex and nuanced and complete after I had kids.
You're NEVER done with this relationship. It's ever-changing. It has season after season after season.
My mom was nowhere near perfect (and in some ways was pretty crippled by what she'd come through herself). She doesn't have grand relationships with all her kids. But she's always working on it. One sister was 'gone' for years. She's now always present (not local, just visible). Another sister has a cyclic relationship with mom, usually distant, sometimes going years with barely any contact, but then for periods of time she'll touch down, talk for hours, engage... then she'll be off again. Another sister is prickly and irritable most of the time, angry at times, at others just sad and frustrated... and at other times, grateful and loving. One brother took years and a lot of talking well into adulthood to come to a reasonable relatoinship with her, and it's still got plenty of friction points. The other brother is loving but at quite a distance, holds himself apart to maintain his boundaries. And there's me, clear about what didn't work, trying to figure out what did.
The thing is, none of these is static. None is perfect - they're JUST relationships. And *that's* good enough to be worth all the pain. Mom's been cut off, and then been back in. She works on the relationships non-stop, sometimes doing well, other times making as many mistakes as she made as a mom of small kids, school kids, teens.
Back to the garden metaphor... it's never done. No garden is ever FINISHED. But it becomes established, and mature. It is always both a pleasure and a heartache to tend the mature garden - we see the spots we damaged on our own, and the spots that were damaged in other ways that we didn't spot in time or that didn't grow back or grow well even when we did our best. We also see how the trees grow past their scars, and find the unexpected beauty that came from the nature of the garden itself. We see what we've learned, what the act of tending taught us.
YES, when the season is new, there's a godawful lot of slogging - mucking, dirty, exhausting work. Mistakes made of tiredness or of lack of knowledge, or of knowledge mis-applied. Timing wrong, doing something too early or too late. With kids, it's the same - there's a huge amount of just getting things moving, teaching basic skills, trying to figure out what we even want to allow to grow, pruning back some behaviors too hard, regretting what we neglected, getting frustrated with finding things we thought we'd eliminated. But the daily slog, that IS life. That's the tending - and early on, it's a lot of weeding and planting, weeding and planting, pruning, tying back, water and fertilizer and mud. As the seasons go on, we see where we messed up - where we tried too hard, where we didn't see a problem, and we've got another season to try to remedy the mistakes, and replicate the successes.
I don't know about you, but I mess up every day. Usually several times a day. DH and I will say to each other, 'I broke her' or 'Dang, I just made that worse' every day. R is 3 1/2, and I'm just barely figuring out how long I need to wait to let her settle so she can hear me when she's upset. It's always two or three times longer than my patience. I'm just learning where I need to go back and start over, and where I need to hold firm and steady. I'm learning NOW - and remember, I have a 10 1/2 year old, I've been doing this a while - how to stay calm when I'm embarassed or angry. I'm learning how short my timing is, enough to spot that my compliance requirement is set to zero seconds. Literally, I'll say something and if they didn't move by the time I took my next breath, I'm all pissed off.
But I'm learning, no? And I'm finding myself comfortable with saying things like, 'um, sorry, I'm kind of 'insta-mommy' today!' And my kids laugh and say, 'yeah, really mom, give me a chance!' But they laugh. TEN YEARS of practice, and now I'm getting to where I can raise a laugh. If I measured myself by a year or two ago... thank god I've got another season, and another after that, endlessly, until the relationship ceases, and IMHO, that's when one or the other of us is dead. I try to keep the cycles short, try again sooner rather than later. I'd love to live without regrets, but I know that if time stopped now, I'd have a few - I need to make some time for G to talk to me, tell me his dreams - he needs so much to be listened to, and his timing is always right when I'm in the middle of somebody else's crisis. I need to tend to B more, cuddle him more than I currently manage - he's big and he's bouncy and it's overwhelming to me sometimes when he wants to climb on my lap and curl up. I need to allow R more time to run her own cycles, as she's easy and pleasant when I do ... and yet, my cycles are so short, it's hard to find a mesh. And M, most like me in some ways, utterly foreign in others... well, today I don't have any regrets for how I've handled her, but tomorrow I probably will.
Next year my regrets will be different. Heck, tomorrow and next week will change everything, once again. Yes, I alienate my kids on a regular basis. And I reconnect, and try again. I screw up, and I seek answers, new methods, new understandings, and try again. I read, check reasources, and consider taking a parenting class (yeah, when I have time, sigh - but I read the book!), and see what helps. It's just like my garden - I've messed up plenty of times. But it's getting there. In 20 years, I'll have a pretty nice place that requires... well, daily maintenance, endless tending and weeding, but not so much digging and planting and pruning at that point.
Sorry, gastly long, there. And no time to edit to make it shorter. Sigh.
Posted by: hedra | March 31, 2008 at 10:55 AM
(And as for the really seriously being cut off - it happens. It isn't always permanent. Sometimes it is. It hurts. And you still carry on. If you're sure you're doing permanent damage, or sure you're floundering so badly that you cannot possibly be doing more good than harm, do what you'd do in your garden under the same conditions - hire help! Take a class, find a mentor, ask a specialist in to take a look and give you some guidance. That's what they're there for. We personalize parenting so much, it's scary to consider, but think in terms of the garden - if you've got 20 years to get it right, and you want it to have some good time to grow, and you're not sure you're 'getting how to do it effectively' - then what's the problem with getting help figuring it out?)
Posted by: hedra | March 31, 2008 at 11:05 AM
I am a single, 28-year-old woman who is totally undirected in terms of "what I want to do with my life." I am trying to get unstuck right now, by giving notice at my job and going off somewhere to study ancient texts for fun while impoverishing myself in the process. (I do enjoy it, really.) I hope I don't have to wait until I find a decent man to marry and have kids before I figure it out! That could be awhile (although I hope it won't be).
Posted by: ALG | March 31, 2008 at 04:07 PM
Ummm, m, my mother was NOT right. If I had to endure 100% relentless misery as a job (which is what she meant), I would have shot myself in my early twenties. Not EVERYONE has to hate their job--and certainly, after going back to school and having new skills, I don't.
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Posted by: WholesaleShoescn | April 01, 2008 at 01:24 PM
Hi, Meg Wolitzer here--
I am delighted that my book has been a springboard for such interesting conversation. And thank you, reviewer, for mentioning Barbara Pym in this context. I am honored to be in such company, truly. (I think that may be the first time that the words "Barbara Pym" and "money shot" have ever appeared in the same passage!) I have been stirred by reading and hearing various people's stories about their own lives and the way in which work and motherhood have been an act of sifting great volumes of precious liquid from one container to another. I am happy to talk further with readers.
All best,
Meg Wolitzer
Posted by: Meg Wolitzer | April 01, 2008 at 05:58 PM
Moxie, I'm so glad you posted this review!! I am recovering from pneumonia, trying my damndest to actually rest rather than do everything that needs doing... I requested Wolitzer's book at the library shortly after you posted your review, and have just devoured it in the last 24 hours. Am too fuzzy to have much of great insight to say... but it's a wonderful, wonderful book that I'm going to be pondering (and recommending!) for a while.
Posted by: michaela | May 03, 2008 at 06:21 PM
What a group of insightful and thoughtful women you all are. There are such beautiful questions, and so much truth and so many right-on perspectives among you. I've really enjoyed reading all of your posts and being part of this supportive community you've created here on the Internet.
I'm trying to think of some gift, or gem, to share with you as a fellow reader, a fellow mother, and as a newly-practicing life coach. I can't think of anything perfect for all of you, but one idea has been really helpful to me.
It's the perspective of "right now." That is the idea that whatever kind of life your current circumstances have created for you, they don't have to define you or be forever. So many of my clients say "I used to be this way, but now I'm..." It's a subtle change, but when we replace that "but" with an "and," we acknowledge that we still are as we've always been at our core, AND that there are certain circumstances right now that have us living our lives differently. Maybe it's not the way you dreamed it, or the way you want it to be for the long-run, but what works about it right now? What does the way things are right now allow you to do or to be? Even the title of this book implies that the situation of parents of young children is temporary, like a nap. There's something to explore about the "nap" perspective - What can I do with this time that will be restorative, soothing and warm for however long my "nap" lasts? Knowing that this arrangement I have today is temporary, what do I most want to do with it?
The other thing about "right now" is that is that it lets you off the hook from having to know or work out everything, and from striving for perfection. It may not be perfect, but it works for right now. It's what I want right now, regardless of whether I might change what I want later. And it means being present and okay with whatever's here right now - if that's joy and love or resentment, loneliness, boredom or lack of direction. It's all okay for right now and necessary for whatever is going to come next.
So, beautiful, searching and wise women, I wish you all the best with right now and whatever is to come for you. Good night!
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We are meeting to talk about this book tonight.
As a Mom who made the choice to work from home so that I could be around for my offspring, some days I feel the pain of that book, the never-ending battle to protect, yet push - There is a fine line or Mothering - of looking over and catching time for your own passion.
I would have liked the book to talk more about that.
pve
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