60-Day Challenge Check-In Day 25

Comments

[wealhtheow]

Took a walk yesterday. I didn't really want to, but it was gorgeous out and I knew I had to do it to come close to meeting my goal. Once I was out, I was so glad I decided to do it!

My in-laws sent a fruit basket for Easter (even though we're Jewish--go figure) so meeting the 2 servings of fruits and veggies a day has been going really well--and yesterday I had a garden burger and some spinach ravioli on top of the fruit.

Cleaning is going well. The man and I had a serious discussion about cleaning and the changes we need to make in our lives to declutter the house before the baby starts moving around. I feel so much better having a cleaner house, and I'm not beating myself up as much for what I can't get done.

[welter]

My big problem right now is the insomnia. Found a great, BFing-friendly doc, who prescribed ambien. It's getting me the same lousy 3-4 hours of initial sleep, then I'm up and wired for 3 hours (and counting tonight!). Am cosleeping with the 4-month-old, which I've done with both kids out of both conviction and pragmatism (I used to be a deep sleeper and sleep training would've lost me sleep). Now that I'm up anyway, I'm beginning to consider some gentle form of sleep training--or at least a reduction in nighttime feedings (my son tends to cluster up between 4 and 7, when I'm trying to fall *back* asleep). Ideas so far include trying the cosleeper, movong to a bigger bed, having husband give a bottle of pumped milk before he turns in. Other ideas? Having trouble letting go of some AP ideals in the face of reality--or more accurately, having trouble enacting what Dr. Sears calls "balance and boundaries".which has a lot to do with the marital difficulties that are keeping me up in the first place. Thoughts, O wise women of Moxie?

[welter]

My big problem right now is the insomnia. Found a great, BFing-friendly doc, who prescribed ambien. It's getting me the same lousy 3-4 hours of initial sleep, then I'm up and wired for 3 hours (and counting tonight!). Am cosleeping with the 4-month-old, which I've done with both kids out of both conviction and pragmatism (I used to be a deep sleeper and sleep training would've lost me sleep). Now that I'm up anyway, I'm beginning to consider some gentle form of sleep training--or at least a reduction in nighttime feedings (my son tends to cluster up between 4 and 7, when I'm trying to fall *back* asleep). Ideas so far include trying the cosleeper, movong to a bigger bed, having husband give a bottle of pumped milk before he turns in. Other ideas? Having trouble letting go of some AP ideals in the face of reality--or more accurately, having trouble enacting what Dr. Sears calls "balance and boundaries".which has a lot to do with the marital difficulties that are keeping me up in the first place. Thoughts, O wise women of Moxie?

[MrsHaley]

Hey Welter ... I don't have any specific suggestions, but I struggled with the same general thing -- giving up on some AP ideals once the LO arrived and LIFE stepped in ... it was hard. Picking the hill you're going to die on, you know? Keeping with AP in all other areas helped me give it up when it came to cosleeping.

Warm thoughts to you. Glad your Dr. is supportive.

[hedra]

welter, how I got around the 'rules' of AP was working from the intention/philosophy side. So, look at it with two issues in mind:

1) Actual attachment function,

2) solving the problem from the child's end of the spectrum first, then moving from that end toward the other end.

For the actual attachment function, I had to do some reading. What I found was several things:

a) Attachment isn't fragile for most kids. It's robust, fluid, flexible, and *always* breaking and reforming.
b) Break/reform is part of resilience, and it happens on a microscopic level as well as the larger levels - every time we don't meet their need INSTANTLY, there's a litte break. When we respond in attunement after the break, there's a repair. HAVING breaks and repairs is actually important to the overal emotional stability of the individual as an adult. My code phrase for that is 'it isn't the messing up that counts, it is the un-messing up after' - it's not the coming apart, it's the coming together. There's a reason kids who are sleep-trained at normal ages using the appropriate guidelines (not total abandonment, starting after 6 months, etc) do not all end up with attachment function problems! It might not be what you want to do for various reasons, but deep-level attachment function is resilient, and that's not to say 'they'll get over it' but more 'the rhythm of parenting has breaks and reconnections NORMALLY'.
c) Optimal parents are NORMAL parents, who mess up and reconnect over and over, and whose needs are not naturally 100% in tune with the child's needs. Real life is optimal for development. That means yes, trying, and yes, caring, and yes, thinking it is important to raise them with love and kindness, but NO, not perfect, not matching an ideal. We evolved under normal parenting, not perfect.
d) There are cues for whether there's real damage present, you can look them up under 'attachment disorders'. You can use that to determine if you've got one of the rare kids whose attachment process is naturally fragile. (M has a very fragile attachment process, everything goes to despair in seconds. Not just a drama queen, but actual catastrophic failure.)

I so don't hit the checkmarks for AP parenting. I work outside the home, and go back to work at 10 weeks on average. I worked full time plus a long commute. I used strollers. Etc. But, I also chose to take every area that I could flex, and flex it toward the function of attachment. So yes, some of my kids preferred strollers, but I also nursed for a long time, because that was important to them as well as me. I worked, but I found caregivers that would form long-running attachments with my kids, and I worked to be as flexible and adaptable as possible for when they needed me more. Etc.

And I was always looking for the unspoken third alternative. Everything seems to be presented as either-or. Either night wean, or don't. Either cosleep, or put them in a crib in their own room. The million points between the ends weren't mentioned. So I had to invent the idea of sleeping in my son's room with him on my lap in the recliner. Night weaning was little bits moving from their needs (and habits) to my sanity, to find the point at which I was comfortable. It also meant trying, and then being willing to go back to the old way and try again later because this didn't work for us.

I also would remind myself that AP is about making life work for everyone in the family, but starting with the attachment process as a priority, and working out from there. There's a lot of range in the 'out from there' that is still pretty darn AP.

***

Going to try to restart myself on the exercise machine this week. It's Adventure Camp at my mom's this week (schools closed, she takes the whole crew, including overnights!), so I can try to work it back in without distractions. :) Starting tomorrow. Or maybe tonight.

[hedra]

OH, uh, actual tips.

My main one is just going to bed earlier, so the early mornintg cluster-feeding wasn't at the same time as I was trying to get the last real rest. I'd already had it, and could get up at 5 (even though I'm a natural night owl).

The rest are in the other post comments about 'what unexpected stuff worked' - temperature changes, chiropractic, etc.