Too early "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" talk

(Mini-post below this one.)

You all know my older son is in Kindergarten (he's turning 6 in less than a month).

From the beginning of the year, he and the other boys were talking about which girls they were going to marry, and stuff like that. I didn't think much of it, because they're surrounded by married people, so it all seemed like a game of pretending to be grown-up. (I also enjoyed the way their wants outpaced both legal reality in the US and logistical comfort everywhere, like when they decided that two boys and two girls would all marry each other and live together. It makes the argument about which way the toilet paper should roll look like fun.)

But a month or so ago, he started calling one of the girls in his class (we'll call her M, because that's not her real initial) his "girlfriend." M told my babysitter that they kissed on the playground(!) and my son has been concocting elaborate plans for their future life together.

I have no idea what to make of all of this. I appreciate the playing at being grown-up aspect of it. But it just seems waaaay too early for them to be talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm really uncomfortable with early sexualization of children (remember this post about toddlers flirting?). But it's clear that my son doesn't really understand what being boyfriend/girlfriend encompasses for adults (or older teens), and just means that he likes M a lot and likes to play with her.

So, how do I talk to him without freaking out and telling him he can't have M as a girlfriend when M is really just his "girlfriend"? It seems dumb to forbid him from doing something he's not actually even aware of yet. This is all just confusing me.

Comments

[Beth]

I think if you make too big a deal out of it, your son may become more stubborn about it. My son also started talking about girlfriends in kindergarten and is now in first grade -- with a huge crush on a girl. I ask my son what boyfriends and girlfriends do (nothing, really, just sit nxt to each other in reading group), and emphasize how nice it is to have lots of friends in general. I also talk a bit about personal space and how people have to ask permission before entering one's personal space or allowing someone else to enter theirs. (In the politcally correct school system, zero tolerance is zero tolerance.) I, too, was baffled at the mention of girlfriends last year, but I think just staying in communication about the subject and addressing related issues is wise.

[Eva]

I don't really know what you should do, but I know you aren't alone. The six-year-old daughter of one of my friends was just convinced to kiss a ten-year-old boy by the twelve-year-old sister of one of her buddies and of course her mother is trying to figure out what to make of that, too.

I do seem to remember having similar relationships when I started elementary school. I think they're just parroting the language and it's probably nothing to make a fuss about, but the kissing does seem a bit much. However, not abnormal.

[Sarah]

Could you ignore it a bit--refer to her as friend M or if he corrects you, then "best friend M." I don't know that there is a way to correct him without making a big deal about it. And I'd worry that he'd then think it was something he should hide and that gets sticky.

Good luck. I remember kids have boyfriends by fourth grade for sure, and some of the girls liking boys by first grade. It was never my thing, to the point that I felt weird about it.

[mamaloo]

I am having a little scratching in my brain about how this sort of thing is a socialization /developmental phase. I think it is part of the process of learning about families and parenting that manifests in house and doll play.

I don't care about it too much unless it arises from an outside influence: so, if the child does it on their own I don't get too worried about it (though I do correct some misconceptions about marriage! http://momcast.blogspot.com/2008/02/out-of-mouths-of-babes-588.html)

The problem for me is with otherwise well meaning adults asking about "girlfriends" ("How many girlfriends do you have?" "who is your girlfriend at school?", etc). That to me is the sexualization part, because adults understand the function of that kind of relationship.

Kids don't really know, they're just play-acting pair-bonding on their way to a greater understanding of the varieties of human relationships.

[Heather]

Ah...I remember Ian well, kindergarten love at it's finest. It also included a kiss under the big metal spiderweb that I think kids are no longer allowed to play on.

I agree with the parroting, including the kissing my guess is that he kisses most of his favorite people and so he kissed her too.

[Kate]

My kids are a lot younger so I have no idea.

But I have to say that the idea of two kindergarteners being "bf/gf" is not *nearly* as freaky to me as Eva's story of a six year old kissing a 10 year old. I am not sure where the "dividing line" is between naive and sophisicated (based on media consumption, etc), but that particular age gap, particularly when engineered by a 12 year old, makes all my mommy neck hairs stand on end.

[Susannah]

wow. I'm not there yet since B is only a year old, but I wonder: Does it help to try to unbundle some of the issues going on here and think about them separately?

For example, from your son's perspective, there is the question of "what is family/who gets to be family/how is this decided"? Then there is the social meaning surrounding "girlfriend" in your son's world. Maybe there is also a physical/sexual side to it for him- as you say, our culture sexualizes kids already, and I for one am pretty sure kids are sexual beings from the get-go. I am sure there are lots of other dimensions besides these. Then there are all our own grown-up ideas around each of these things.

Maybe you could ask him what it means to be someone's boyfriend. It could be interesting to see what he says. I agree with others that keeping it casual seems like a good idea. Whatever he says, the conversation might be a good springboard to talk about what boundaries you would like to teach him around touching other kids, who it is OK to talk to about wishes and fantasies, etc

[sue]

wow. I have no idea, since my oldest is 3. But I do remember having a crush on a boy in 3rd grade, which isn't too far off. No advice here, just stunned that I'll have to think about these things in less than two years. YIKES

[Jill]

I have always told my boys they are too young for girlfriends. Then as they get older, I talk about how much work a girlfriend is, and they decide they don't have time. My third grader came home last week freaking out because the rumor was he likes a certain girl, and everyone is talking about it. I told him to say they are just friends. "I did!" was his worried reply. So I told him to just ignore it and it would die down. He didn't believe me, but of course it has.

So- my advice is to just mention how much time a girlfriend takes, that there are a lot of expectations that even older boys can't meet, etc. I never made a big deal of it, just basically told the truth.

[Sarah]

Even though my son is only 8 months old, I can see that this socialization towards gf/bf starts REALLY early. We belong to a mom's group and several of the other mother's already joke about our kids getting married to each other. Maybe I'm over-paranoid, but it seems like kids grow up too fast to even be joking about this now. I don't want my son feeling like he "needs" a girlfriend at any age.

That said, I, too, would be inclined to not make a big deal of it. The above posters have some great ideas about downplaying it. You could also discretely check with his teacher to see how common this is and ask him/her to let you know if she sees anything concerning.

[Cecily T]

I had a 'boyfriend' in kindergarten, and it's just what it sounds like to kindergarteners, a 'boy friend'. Yeah, we 'kissed', but the same way that mom or dad kisses you goodnight. For me, I had a boy friend b/c I liked to play superheroes better than I liked to play hopscotch on the playground, and preferred video games to barbies, which was pretty much a boys' domain 20 yrs ago.

I wouldn't worry too much about the language. It's too early to even gross them out about the kind of physical contact that goes on between older bf/gf's. He doesn't grok 'frenching' right? I think it's just play-acting grown-up stuff. As long as they don't have an, ahem, overly-detailed knowledge of what grown-up stuff entails, I think it's not to be worried about.

I too am more creeped out by Eva's story, as that has overtones of sexualization on the part of the 12yo.

I think making a big deal of it is part of what tips kids off to the idea that what they are doing is somehow naughty and therefore interesting.

[witt]

I'm amused by this story - here's my own.

B dreamily announces "I'm going to marry A." B is 3 years old, A is 6 years old. My wife and I stare at each other, laughing with our eyes. "Why do you want to get married," my wife asks. "Because she's my best friend" comes the reply. Brief conversation about how you can be best friends without being married... then silence.

Then A, the 6-year old, dreamily announces "I'm going to marry Billy." This time it's harder to keep from laughing.

But the point is that kids are surrounded by parents in relationships and other people learning the ropes (meaning teenagers acting a bit amorous in public and all that). It's totally normal for them to "try out the ideas," just like when they are doctors, cooks, and teachers. I see nothing wrong with it, as long as it doesn't get creepy (ooooh). Plus, you get all these great chances to listen in on how they see the world around them and you get to affect their image of the world. I think it's cool.

Plus, when I was 6, oh, boy, did I love Chrissy, and she was dreamy, and we climbed trees together, and it was the BEST! I seriously doubt we ever kissed, but I'm rather sure that I lied that we did. Because, see, people who like each other that much are SUPPOSED to kiss, right?!

[Natalie]

I had a boyfriend in Kindegarten. We kissed on the playground. And I was not the only girl in my class to do this. My mom never had any "talk" with me that I remember. What I do remember is her letting me invite him over to play once or twice. Then, he started to like another girl. I cried and my mom rocked me. In hindsight, I think it was adult role playing and excitement over having a good friend of the opposite sex. After Kindegarten, all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff went away until 4th grade. So I would say don't worry about it. It will resolve itself.

[Christiana]

I was engaged in 4-yr-old preschool. Yeah, we were going to get married. I was convinced of this until my mother told me what his last name was and that I would end up being Mrs. Awfullastname. We remained friends, but I didn't want to be his wife. Of course, at that age, i also wanted to marry my cousin, so I'm pretty sure it was pretty normal in that age of development, as well.

I'd limit the kissing, though simply because of the societal rules of this day and age. I get the "why" they might have kissed as suggested above (kissing your family/favorite people and she is a favorite person), but at some point it's going to be considered crossing the line and schools can be so crazy about that "zero tolerance" rule, even when it doesn't make sense.

I know my friend's 4 yr old likes to give his friend (a girl) hugs all the time, but sometimes she's okay with it and sometimes she's not, so that "personal space" idea needs to be out there and understood.

[Kathy B.]

Don't over-think or over-analyze this. It is just normal kindergarten stuff.

If you are really concerned, talk to his teacher. But I wouldn't make a big deal of it with him.

[enu]

Normal stuff. I was totally devoted to my kindergarten boyfriend - we had plans to marry - but his parents swept him away for first grade to France for a sabbatical year, and he came back so changed. My heart broke just a little that day, but was soon on the mend. Didn't have another boyfriend until I was 15. Still with him ;-)

[rudyinparis]

Ditto the having a boyfriend in kindergarten. We never kissed, but we had playdates. He was dreamy. Ditto also the being more feaked out by Eva's story about a 6 year old girl kissing a 10 year old boy. Me, personally, I would just stay neutral, neutral, neutral on the specific topic and keep charging ahead with the education in a general way about respectful relationships.

And here's my story about Eldest: about 6 months ago we were driving somewhere and she begins talking about getting married, whether or not she will, who she would marry, what boy would it be, etc. I interject with "Or a girl, hon." She says "What?" And I say, "Well, women can marry each other, hon. So you don't have to marry a boy." She's honestly surprised by this, and I point out that Aunt S and her partner are together and have a baby, and that I know women who are married to a woman ("Remember M, that you met at my work?") "I didn't know that," she says very seriously and thoughtfully. There's genuine wonder in her voice. And then she says, of course, "I'm going to marry a girl!" because she's very girl-oriented at this stage--quite normal. I say "You can marry a boy or a girl or not get married at all." She hasn't brought it up again, so I don't think she's scarred for life. I've always been in awe of young people that were able to identify their sexuality in the face of really relentless hetero messaging. Seems to take a huge amount of self-awareness that I sure lacked. I drifted a bit OT there, sorry.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

I think it's pretty typical for the age. As such, I don't find it particularly worrisome. I certainly remember my brother having a girlfriend in kindergarten 30+ years ago, and my mother tells stories of boys in my class trying to win me as their girlfriend by presenting me with treasures they'd made at the woodworking table (Ah, for the days when 5 year olds could play with hammers and nails at school... and I *DO* mean that!)

What HAS changed is the overt sexualization of childhood, and that's why the 5 year old/10 year old/ 12 year old scenario is so disturbing. I think in kindergarten it's still pretty innocent. Once you get a little older than that, some of the innocence is gone, at least for some of the kids, and it starts to have dangerous possibilities.

And don't get me started on adults who talk about boyfriends and girlfriends when their children are INFANTS!!! It makes me seethe (particularly my lesbian friends who talk about their daughters having "boyfriends"... shouldn't we, of all people, not be projecting expectations even as a joke?!?).

[CJ]

Maybe talk to M's parent/guardian and see how they're handling it? Or if it's even an issue?

My reason for that is twofold - one, you approach the question with some other folks to tackle it with you, and two, I had the kindergarten boyfriend too and I *hated* it. All the adults thought it was so adorable, and I can distinctly remember being grossed out. Maybe M isn't having such a good time and that could choose your course for you?

[Sarah]

In kindergarden, I remember that boys and girls (myself included) used to practice kissing, including tongues, and showing each other our "privates". Somehow we managed to do this during class time!!! I think we were so young and so clueless as to what we were doing, that it really was innocent. As we got older (grade 2, 3, 4) these games totally disappeared. And didn't reappear again until grade 6, when kids really were somewhat 'dating' or 'kissing' 'holding hands' for the first time. So, I turned out ok. Maybe don't worry too much?

[Shandra]

I remember Jason L., who asked me to marry him with a garbage-bag tie for an engagement ring. I said no and then he held onto the sash of my dress as I slid down the slide and it ripped! Evil boy!

Does anyone remember kissing tag?

Anyways - I think some of it is totally normal role-playing, but I also agree that some of it comes from outside the child and is hard to address. I don't have this issue yet with my son but I guess I'd ask him to tell me what he means by girlfriend and just listen. Because I certainly want to hear about them all, forever. :-)

[hedra]

Moxie, do you have "Your Six Year Old"? I'm pretty sure it was in there that I found out that the six-year-old sudden spike of interest in the opposite sex was totally developmentally normal. This is when they play doctor, kiss girls/boys, and decide they're going to marry so-and-so.

Being neutral and reinforcing the respect issue seems the best bet. It normally goes away on its own, to be replaced by the 'girls have cooties' stage (eeew, girls!), I think. G didn't have normal/typical progression through these stages - never thought girls were at all gross or weird, and was all set with marriage plans at three, not six. B seems more typical, is curious about girl parts, very shy suddenly around girls (where last year he was being pestered by the 6 year-old girls, three of whom wanted to marry him and were in competition for the honor, much to parental amusement - it was charming until they started paying him cash to play with them instead of his other friends during recess... um, ruh-roh!).

Neutral does mean reiterating rules and boundaries, but not freaking out when they try to get around the rules a bit. Just reiterate. It isn't the over-sexualization of childhood, it is the point at which the culture may 'capture' some of these kids and keep them on the oversexualization 'track', maybe. But it's totally normal developmentally anyway. I suspect many parents may unintentionally reinforce the 'girls are gross' stage by being so relieved when this particular issue goes away! ;)

[Sheryl]

I had the same "boyfriend" from the time I was 4 until the second grade. Suddenly, when we were in the same school, it was scandalous that my "boyfriend" would be a year younger. Sigh. I miss M!

Really, though, even though we kissed, it was just peck on the cheek type kissing. I would say if it goes beyond that though, it's time to have a discussion.

[caramama]

It sounds like this is a very normal stage. I would just caution all parents to watch for the boundries, make sure they are not over-stepped and make sure that even if they are it's not made to feel bad and dirty.

I know someone who was pretty traumatized by "playing doctor" with a boy her age right around this age. Apparently, he wanted to continue this game after the parents had told them no (I think it involved touching privates at this point), and she believes some of her issues with sex started then. Just something to watch for.

Personally, I don't think a bit of kissing and calling someone gf/bf is a big deal at this age. But the ideas about teaching about personal space at this time are great.

[tk_zk]

I would check with your son's teacher if kissing is even within the rules of appropriate school behavior. If it's against the rules, he should not do it, and there's nothing weird about that, because their are plenty of rules (i.e. don't run in the halls) that, while fun, you just don't get to do at school.

For the "I have a girlfriend" stuff, I wouldn't worry about that too much. I'm pregnant, and my 4YO niece has announced that she is having a baby too, and showed me her big belly. When will she have the baby? In 200 days. What will she name it? Butterfly Tinkerbell. Oh, and she will marry both her dad and her sister when she grows up.

Maybe you can try to think of it as cute role-playing for as long as you can. Although I would tell adults who encourage it or make it sound salacious to cut it out.

[Alex]

Here is the link to a really great website "Birds + Bees + Kids" covering all sorts of questions about when/how to talk with your children about sex, love & relationships.

http://www.birdsandbeesandkids.com/index.html

If you live in the Seattle area, you can attend one of Amy's workshops. A co-worker of mine attended one recently and really raved about it.

For those of you in other parts of the world, Amy has links to various online resources, a FAQ section and a blog.

[Jessica T]

I just wanted to chime in with the "I think this is perfectly normal" thing. I had a "fiancee" in Kindergarten - he asked me to marry him and then we held hands and kissed. Then about 2 days later he asked another girl to marry him and I was forgotten, sigh. I didn't have another boyfriend (and another kiss) until 18. I was a very late bloomer :). I think the only thing you have to watch for in this day and age is people misconstruing the whole thing and causing problems. I remember reading about a young child (2nd or 3rd grade) that got suspended for kissing a girl. Like someone said above, the zero tolerence thing can be a little out of control. So, I would just say, "that's nice" and maybe encourage him to just hold hands etc. for the 0 tolerance reason only - a little kiss here and there is not a big deal at that age (between the same ages, that 10year old and 6 year old story is exactly what you don't want to happen). And, I agree, it goes away at about 2nd grade or so and then in 6th grade is where you have to start worrying again;).

[Julie]

Joshua was my boyfriend in kindergarten. I remember he had a mole on his face. Like Johnboy, which I think is why I liked him. I think we might have kissed once in the sandbox. Most of it was just wanting to be like my mommy and daddy, who called each other "bunny" and hugged and kissed when they got home.

But if it's making you uncomfortable, I'd talk to your son about how it's okay to be friends with everyone and luckily he has a long time to decide who he will be girlfriends/boyfriends with and eventually marry. Like the PP said, I'd laugh it off and not make a big deal about it now (b/c to them it's probably not a big deal) but if it is happening again in 5th-6th grade (and it will) that's when the serious sit-down will happen.

[perceval]

I would encourage him to keep talking and sharing. Tbh, it's nothing out of the ordinary. I also wonder whether you're particularly alert to inappropriate sexualisation because of the p c culture I've sometimes seen in the States or in blogs of US friends?

[effective nancy]

Wow...first, tk_zk, I codenamed MY new kid (now 9 weeks) Tinkerbell. Your niece and I must have had a brainwave together.

I'd worry more about the school's rules about kissing and contact, as previous posters have said. I remember a great deal of "romance" in kindergarten, including a massive crush on my part for Teddy McNaughton, who supplanted my preschool crush, Danny MacCarthy, for almost two years. (No surprise I married an Irish boy in the end!) There was, I think, one chaste kiss on the cheek, and that's it. It was all about wanting to be with this person of the opposite sex when that was becoming uncool. Boys and girls start to segregate into same-sex social groups right around school age, and "dating" gets around that stricture.

On the other hand, I recall a lot of cootie shots during this time as well. I'd be willing to write off the actual emotions and motives as being friendly and pretty nonsexual, and would focus my parental efforts on clarifying that it's okay to be friends without "dating," and that it's not okay to behave too intimately with certain people in certain settings.

It's the possibility of "playing doctor" behaviors that sound more worrisome to me, especially since I never did that and all the Judy Blume info I've absorbed tells me it's pretty sexual for little kids. That's when appropriate boundaries need to be explained and internalized, is my guess. Again, all I have is a 9 week old, and her idea of boundaries is...uh...none.

[alex]

Another post in regards to the 6 year old and 10 year old kissing thing.

One thing I learned from the Amy at the "Birds + Bees + Kids" website I posted early was that kissing/touching behaviour between children that are 3 or more years apart in age is generally NOT okay and should definitley send up some red flags.

[calyx]

I wouldn't say anything about it. Seriously. I teach first graders and they have boyfriends and girlfriends all over the place. By second and third they're mostly in the "eww" phase, so even if a boy and girl are friends they don't use the words boyfriend or girlfriend because the other kids get wigged out about it.

Fourth and fifth grade, that's when you can get worried.

[Christiana]

Another thought to add to the mix - The other night I was at a baby shower for an already born little girl (the parents didn't find out her gender beforehand so we were able to shower her w/ girlie stuff post-birth) and another couple was there who is having a boy in April. The discussion turned to the joking that they were going to get married/be a couple when they grew up, etc., etc. and later my DH commented that he was glad it wasn't OUR little girl about whom they were talking - how disturbed he was about the situation, etc. It hadn't bothered me at all, but he was concerned about it.

[kellie]

Moxie, I pretended to marry my best friends who were twins until we reached middle school. They were girls. Someone would be the girlfriend and someone else would be the boyfriend. We kissed everytime we were "married". We had a clubhouse and kept it really nice. We even slept in it in the summer. Again, from K-6.

We are still best friends, even though we're states apart. We aren't gay (if anyone is wondering or judging...) not that this would mean anything, and two of us have baby boys. Honestly, I think having them was a healthy outlet - so much better than thinking I was the only one who wanted to get married. And the kiss? The only time we kissed was when we were supposed to - during the ceremony. Kids that age don't know about frenching, etc. but what they've seen. (MONITOR THE TV, MOMS!)

I think it would be appropriate to tell him the rules on marriage - the actual, legal rules, and to tell him that this is fine to pretend. And if you're uncomfortable with him kissing her, tell him that those things aren't allowed. As long as you're not freaked, he won't be. I've worked with kids a lot and almost every one of them finds a hubby/wifey by the time 2nd grade comes around. Then next year they aren't in the same class/summer had gone by/they've realized boys/girls are yucky, and it's over with.

Sorry for the long post. :)

[pnuts mama]

i totally had a "boyfriend" in first grade whom i used to smooch under the desk in class- we'd both "drop our pencils" and go to get them and give little pecks on the lips- he was sweet boy and i totally still remember his name. absolutely normal developmentally at this age (role playing)- like a pp mentioned, by 2nd, 3rd grade it goes the opposite way to "EWW! girls are GROSS!" anyway- again, normal developmentally as they work out their gender identity. then adolescence kicks in and that's when mama goes on her own sabbatical.

what i would be concerned about is the physical touching- not because i think he or she are endangering each other, but for a boundary issue. i would definitely have a chat with M's parent to make sure they know what's going on- and i would also check into what the school's rules are about touching (any, and in what context) because the world has gone a little crazy since we were all kids- many, MANY schools now have these very strict 'sexual harassment' policies that have zero tolerance- even for little kids that can result in suspension and expulsion. basically some schools have responded with a knee jerk reaction to what were credible infringements on student and staff's personal space by putting any touching in the same category to cover themselves legally. which is inappropriate for kids this young who don't really understand the ramifications or implications of their actions, but on the other hand, protects many other kids/staff who otherwise would be in a tough situation.

[Nessa]

No kids to speak of but I was "married" in pre-school to my "boyfriend" and we had a "baby". I think until maybe 5-6th grade it's all imitation of what they see. It was totally harmless - in fact I think we kissed on more than one occaission.

I turned out pretty normal, at least I think I did! ;)

[rosa]

I taught K for 8 years and am a SAHM this year. Boyfriends and girlfriends would always come up every year. We would address friendship in our morning meeting. I suggest you start by asking him what it means to be his "girlfriend." Then explain that you know he has lots of girls who are friends, just like he has boys who are friends. So in Kindergarten (or elementary school :)) there are lots girlfriends and boyfriends and that name isn't saved for 1 person.

[cat19]

I do find it concerning, in part because I think it sends the message that any connection between a boy and a girl is romantic or sexual or at the very least somehow different than a connection between two kids of same gender. These kids aren't calling their same-sex close friends "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend."

And thus, while erasing the idea that different-gender friendships can be platonic, it also reinforces the idea that romatic relationships are only ebtween those of different gender.

So what I've been telling my kid is that someday he will feel something different than friendship for someone else (though it might start out as friendship)--a boy or a girl--and that is what "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" usually means to older kids/grownups. And Mama and Daddy love each other like that, and etc etc... with some examples from life, some from books, and some that are NOT cross-gender.

I think throwing up our hands and/or saying how benign or innocent it is gives in to several toxic things in contemporary society that I don't want to support. I may be fighting a losing fight, but I'm not giving up yet. I am not willing to say it's somehow developmentally healthy for all boy/girl connections to be labeled that way, just because I can't stop it.

[m]

In Kindergarten I used to chase the boys to kiss them. I was completely boy-crazy and I have no idea where that came from. I can't remember how it was handled--if the teacher or my mom stepped in and had a talk with me or if it just died down on its own--but I do remember that it didn't last long. What I found more upsetting was when suddenly it wasn't cool to play with boys anymore (grade 2?). And when I chose to play with the boys (not to kiss, but because they were having a lot more fun than the girls) how I was made fun of by the girls.

I guess I'm chiming in with the 'it's normal', but I do think you have to trust your gut and if it feels weird or wrong, talk with the teacher and the other mothers. And talk more with your son, see what else is behind it, if anything.

[Mommie Mentor]

I remember my youngest son's kindergarten girlfriend; the boy was in love! At first I didn't pay attention, but their affection for one another didn't seem to be fading. Then I started noticing he would come home sad if he couldn't spend time with her.

I thought, wait a minute he’s way too young to have a girlfriend. Then I had to take a breath and think about why this was a problem for me. Did I think this was more than he could handle at six? Probably. Or deep down was I afraid this was going to become sexual in some way?

You’re absolutely correct about the role-playing aspect of this. Six’s love to play house. They love to tell younger siblings what to do, as if they were the parent in charge of all the rules. Since we all know that playing house is a normal part of preschool play why are we concerned when a peck or a kiss happens?

Has your child ever seen you kiss someone you care about? Of course he has, he sees Mom and Dad, the most important people in his world share their love each and every day. Isn’t a peck or a kiss what you’re supposed to do when you’re playing house and practicing how the adult world works?

The truth is six is way too young for a real boyfriend girlfriend relationship, but who says that’s what this is?

I learned something amazing from my sons as they grew. They showed me that I made leaps and assumptions about the situations they were involved in and gave them more information than they needed because I wanted them to be prepared. I began to make rules about these situations long before my sons were really exposed to them. I let my fear of what could potentially be coming next dictate my conversations.

Yes, you do need to address the kissing part, however if parents act from fear about what may be coming next aren’t we the ones who are sexualizing the situation instead of just dealing with a case of puppy love?

Find out how he’s doing with all of this. Give him age appropriate information and fill in any misunderstandings he has about the situation, like the kissing part.

I don’t believe in having “the big talk”. I believe you discuss all aspects of relationships, caring for one another and sex, age appropriately of course, each and every day based on the situations you and your child encounter and based on what life throws at you. This is one of those times.

Not to worry, girls will become yucky again very soon!

[cat, galloping]

I had an office mate whose son was in 3rd grade and had had a girlfriend for THREE YEARS by then. It freaked me out that these "relationships" could last for so long. They broke up the following year, I think.

Another story... In college, a junior girl in my class was doodling names of future children and I asked if she had a boyfriend. Yes, she replied... for 15 YEARS. Keep in mind she was 20. Can you imagine? That would basically be El Chico "dating" M solidly from now till college.

I seriously do not know what the answer is, but it freaks me right out.

[Meika]

Just had to throw out a comment in memory of my kindergarten/first grade boyfriend, Damien. I think we kissed and I remember making him a special valentine card, but that's about it. Don't even remember how it ended.

I, too, was going to marry my cousin and was very upset to learn that it wasn't legal.

[stacy]

It was around this age that Steven was my best friend. He lived in the house behind mine. We spend all our time together.

I don't remember if we ever called ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend. But we did show each other our privates. There was no touching, and no real sexual feeling around it at all. It was just sort of, "ah, I see what you have going on down there." And no other boy saw my privates for more than a decade :)

I think "boy/girlfriend" is kind of a trigger word for us as parents. And it's so hard to not have that reaction, especially these days when everything is sexualized so early - it's like we're constantly fighting this impossible battle for our kids' innocence. But I do think this is within the realm of normal, and like everyone else has said, just keep the lines of communication open regarding boundaries and what's appropriate in school.

I also agree with those commenting about infant "boyfriends" and "girlfriends." We're Jewish, and the pressure for Jews to bear children who eventually marry other Jews is ENORMOUS. Well, friends of ours had a baby girl just 3 months before we had our baby boy. And every fucking time those two kids are in the same room together with another Jewish person, that Jewish person comments about their "future marriage." We don't find this funny, and the other set of parents don't find this funny, but every tool who says it thinks it's the Clever Comment of the Century. Not to get too personal here, but it's one of the things putting me off Judaism lately. My son is an individual, not a machine to help breed more Jews. *grumble*

[Sheila]

As so many others have said, this is very typical for kids in kindergarten and first grade. In preschool our g/g/b triplets were going to marry each other, in various combinations! In kindergarten they started talking about who was going to be their boyfriend/girlfriend, and the names changed frequently. They also played pretend weddings a lot with their stuffed animals, acted out stories, planned the kind of house they'd live in and how many pets they'd have, and what job they would do. Lots of imagination and role-playing was happening. In first grade again they went through several different special friends each, and more of this kind of pretend-play.

At age 7 now in grade two, our kids still seem to have friends of the opposite sex, but the "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk has died down. I don't think our kids have kissed any of their friends - not that they told me anyway!

As others have said, these "girlfriend" conversations may provide opportunities for adults to tell them a little bit about how relationships happen among adults. Talk about different types of families you know, tell stories about family weddings and so on. Get some age-appropriate books from the library? No need to worry, this is a stage that will pass.

[Julie]

Moxie, I've read the other posts (most of them) and have been thinking about this all day. I am wondering what you would say to someone else writing in about this. You say it's clear he doesn't really understand what it means, that they are imitating adults and relationships they see around them. So what was your tipping point? Him concocting elaborate plans for their future together? The kiss? At what point did it go from being something they were doing to being something you were concerned about them doing?

In your mind, is it more symbolic of something bigger he is trying to communicate or re-create, or do you really just think it's about him imitating what he sees around him? Your advice (I think) would be to dig a little deeper with him about what he's thinking about it, what HE thinks it all means, and just gather the little pieces of information he gives you to give you a clue to what's going on inside his little head. And it gives you a great opportunity to open up the dialogue about relationships and the very many different kinds of relationships there are in the world.

[Amy]

I totally wouldn't worry about this. I have vivid recollections of the surprisingly complex and intense social scene in, yes, kindergarten. There were boyfriends and girlfriends and True Love. My first "boyfriend" brought me jewelry and kissed me during circle time. As long as he's talking to you about it, and there isn't anything really out of line happening (inappropriate touching) ... my personal feeling is that this is very, very normal.

[Lucy]

I don't really have any suggestions about what to do, but thought I would offer another story. My niece had a 'boyfriend' in preschool. They had all sorts of plans, like that they would drive matching corvettes and have 10 children. About a year and a half later she seems to finally be getting over this boy, mainly because he went to a different school for kindergarten than she did.

[Theresa Timlin]

They were doing the "who's marrying who?" game in JR's pre-K and are doing it again in his kindergarten. It seems pretty normal to me (although I agree about cringing when adults initiate the "who is your girlfriend?" talk - my MIL does this frequently).

I also think it's great fun to realize how open their conception of the world and marriage is at this point. Last year, JR wanted to marry "E". However, another one of his buddies had already claimed her. So JR's solution was to have all the boys in the class marry each other "and then I can marry E!" I had this vision of all the little 4-y.o. boys walking off into the sunset holding hands while JR and E stood watching.

[omguidiot]

omg ur so damn paranoid ur son is 6 years old it's cute and sweet and obviously not serious r u kidding me what do u think he's like gonna have sex with her or something u need a reality check it's just a little innocent crush and if u make a big deal about it ur just gonna confuse him and make it worse omg this poor kid i can't imagine what his dating life will be like when he's 13 if u act like this when he's 6 years old geezzzz

[Mom123456789]

I don't think it's anything to worry about. My daughter is 7 1/2. She told me that "A" is her boyfriend. But at this point I'm not sure "A" knows that...lol. Children do seem to be developing at younger ages, but maybe that's just because we talk about it more. When I was in kindergarten I remember having a crush on a boy in my class. The best thing to do (in my opinion) is to monitor the situation without making it seem like it's a big deal. However, I do think that the situation described above where a 12 year old is having younger children kiss might be a problem because younger children are going to do what the "big kids" want. The best way to handle that is to speak to the older child's parents, as the little kids will just be confused....