Q&A: rocking baby to sleep

Eric writes:

"I have been pouring over various entries in your blog for a while now and decided to ask you a few questions.  Based on different books (Ferber, Weissbluth, etc.) and doctor recommendations, my wife and I tried CIO and it was miserable...for us and our son.  It didn't feel right and we were reassured when we read your thoughts on babies who increase tension by crying.

We have found some success by rocking our son to sleep though it often seems to take ages for him to fall asleep.  This might seem ridiculous, but one question is about how to get our son into the crib without waking him once he does happen to fall asleep.  On several occasions, he has fallen asleep in our arms by rocking him to sleep but awakens as soon as we set him down in his crib.  Do you know of a successful way to put him in the crib without waking him up?  Also, what is your stance on rocking him to sleep?  I know that you suggest rocking as a way of calming a baby who increases tension through crying, but should we be letting him fully fall asleep in our arms?  The problem is that if we don't let him fall asleep in our arms and we attempt to soothe him while he is lying in the crib, it takes a much longer time and he seems to be more restless. 

We are experiencing other sleeping problems (night wakenings), but would really like to try to first tackle the issue of getting him to fall asleep without the nightly battle that it always has been.  I am not sure if his age would vary your response, but he is approximately 4.5 months old right now.  He was born approximately 3 weeks early due to my wife's development of HELLP Syndrome. 

Exhausted and eagerly awaiting your response,
Eric"

Ooh. Three things I hate combined into one post:

1) HELLP Syndrome. For those of you who don't know it, it's like turbo-ultra-mega preeclampsia, and is very serious. If the baby doesn't come out, the mother can seize and then her organs shut down and she dies. I'm glad Eric's wife and the baby came out of it healthy. We should all keep a close watch on our blodd pressure and the protein in our urine while pregnant.

2) The 4-month sleep regression. It just sucks. There's no way around it. 4.5 months minus 3 weeks puts Eric's baby smack in the middle of it. It's so so hard for babies to sleep at this age.

3) The cultural expectation that a baby that young should be able to go down awake and that if the baby can't it's something the parents are doing wrong.

Yeah, there are things you could be doing to screw up your kid's sleep. Some of them are obvious, like playing loud music at 10 pm in the same room your baby's in, or snorting coke while you're breastfeeding. Some of them are not so obvious, like drinking coffee in the morning while nursing(caffeine has a half-life of 96 hours in a baby's system--go figure--but it doesn't seem to affect some babies at all) or putting a kid in pajamas that make him/her too hot and sweaty all night.

But aside from a really small group of things, there's not much you can do to change the way your baby sleeps. It's largely a function of personality and age. If Eric's baby needs to be rocked to sleep, that's the way the kid is. It doesn't mean that he'll be like that forever, or even a month from now. Just that it's what's working now. By Any Means Necessary to get everyone as much sleep as possible.

So I think rocking your kid to sleep is fine, as is putting your baby in the swing, or nursing to sleep, or using a pacifier, or having the baby go to sleep with a comfort object or white noise machine or anything else people use. (If you use a comfort object, make sure you have a spare in case something happens to the primary one, or you're screwed.) You child will not need that thing forever, and you'll probably have a good instinct about when you can switch that thing out of the routine. At the very least, you'll do better making sleep changes in your child if you have some sleep under your belt, so think of it as strategic pacing.

But. If it takes forever to rock to sleep, I'd look and see if there's something else that might work better. Eric and his wife tried CIO so they know that doesn't work for their son. (In contrast, my second son didn't want to nurse or rock down, so I tried letting him cry and he fell right to sleep after a few minutes. Stunned me, since my first son would escalate if I let him cry for more than half a minute.) Maybe swaddling would work, or something else. I wouldn't be afraid to try other things, because they just might stumble onto something that will work faster than the rocking. Or maybe not, and the rocking is as good as it gets at this stage.

It's just awful staring down the barrel of a long, long bedtime routine (those of us in the 3-year-old sleep regression can sympathize). You're finally at the end of the day, and you know you're still facing an hour of getting the kid to sleep. No way around it but through it, but it still just makes you want to cry, and ask for your money back.

How many of us have suffered through the problem of getting the kid to sleep but then not being able to put the baby down into the crib?! It's the bloody hangnail of the first year of parenting. I've head suggestions of putting a heating pad/hot water bottle in the crib to leave it warm, then moving it right before you put the baby down, but I didn't have enough hands to do that. You can let the baby sleep for 20 minutes to get deep into the sleep cycle before putting him down (and then let all the blood rush back into your arms) and that might help. I've also heard that in Australia they don't have this problem because they all put their babies down to sleep on sheepskins, and the sheepskin magically keeps them asleep. Honeslty, I can't remember if I came up with anything good at that age because I was so sleep deprived that not much stuck from that phase.

So, can anyone solve the problem of putting the baby down into the crib and keeping the baby asleep? If you can patent it, you'll make mountains of money.

And if anyone else wants to sympathize or complain, please feel free.

 

Comments

[tinyQ]

Oh the 4 month sleep regression. It almost killed me... several times. And then the 8month sleep regression almost killed me again... several times.

I always thought maybe I just wasnt letting him get allllll the way to sleep (I had long since given up putting him down awake) so I'd give him another 10 mins in my arms and then put him down... only to discover I had wasted an extra 10 mins when he woke up again 30 seconds later. I dont have any advice... we just muddled through it, waking up every 5 minutes, putting him back to bed, just getting comfy ourselves, and having to go back into his room.

It does end.

We just finished the 8mo sleep regression, finished it off with a bang with some virus that gave our little one fevers of 106 for a week with a few days in the hospital... and now he thinks he needs to get up at 11pm on the dot to eat, eats 2oz and then goes to sleep. Wish I could get past that one, but... it'll end too eventually (I hope).

Anyway. Eric, sorry you are having a rough time... I wish I could say something to make it all better.

[Maria]

My solution to this problem was to lie down with the baby and fall asleep myself. Frequently she would not allow me to lie down on the Actual Bed, but if I lay down on the couch with her on my chest she'd stay asleep and… honestly I don't remember anything after that because I was out so fast.

Also, and this may sound a little weird, sometimes around that age if I lay down on the bed and put her (warmly dressed, on top of the covers) between my legs – her head towards my ankles, her feet kicking me in the crotch (hence the covers to dull the blow), she'd sleep for hours that way, and so could I. It was kind of served the same purpose as swaddling, but with human limbs instead of, you know, blankets. I couldn't roll over or anything, but at that point who sleeps lightly enough to roll over.

My theme here echoes Moxie's: By Any Means, And In Any Configuration, Necessary. Eric, try to believe that this will pass!

[Jennifer]

4 months just sucks and then sucks some more. That was one of our hardest lowest points. We did discover that we were trying so hard to get the baby to sleep we were actually keeping him awake, too much motion/rocking/shushing...but we also never discovered how to put him down asleep. we had to pat him for ages when we lay him down and even for ages after we thought he was asleep we had to keep one hand on him...we also moved our son out of our room at this stage because we worked out we kept waking him up everytime we exhaled too deeply! the good news is that suddenly this crap stops or at least scales down and becomes just like a horrible dream that you have thankfully woken from. things just keep improving after that! courage! it's shortly about to get better.

[Melissa]

We gave up and started co-sleeping, or should I say "admitting we were co-sleeping." We tried the crib, the bassinet, the moses basket, the side-car crib, the car seat, the swing, swaddling, not swaddling, a lovey, a paci, a heating pad. On and on and never got more than 30 minutes in the crib. Ugh. Baby boy (6.5 months) just wants to be in our bed, and he still wakes every two hours (at least). I agree with whatever gets the most people in the house the most amount of sleep. I'm curious to read some transition techniques, though.

Oh, and 4 months just sucks. There is no way around that. Lots of sympathy! You are not alone!

[LPV]

I found that Elizabeth Panley's book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" was quite helpfull for ideas on how to get the baby to sleep quicker (keep everything very calm for quite a while before trying to put the baby to sleep etc.). The Sears also have a book on sleep which I think has some more ideas about putting the baby down (also their website lists most of this I think - www.askdrsears.com)

We have also always struggled with putting the baby down - so did my parents! - it's a known issue :) Now my little darling is 6 months it is a bit easier than at 4 months so this is probably something that gets easier after a while.

I have sometimes found that putting her down casualy rather than carefully works better, but that is probably just random fluctuations. Sometimes I think it helps to leave my arms around her a while when I have put her down.

Hope it goes better for you soon :)

[Chaya]

My first two were the same way, never really fell asleep soundly enough to put down. With my first, she screamed before she even touched the crib, no matter how gently we moved towards it. We ended up pretty much exclusively cosleeping for a while. I have a two month old who had me at my wit's end (I know, third child, supposed to be easier!), she wasn't sleeping consistently, nothing worked, she was always crazy tired and mad, co-sleeping at night was fine, but what to do during the day, with 2 other kids i can't nap with her (I wish!)...One day, just to see what would happen,I put her down in the crib on her stomach, and voila...2.5 hour nap within minutes. It has made her into a completely different child. I know it's risky, and feel some guilt, on the other hand, so is co-sleeping according to some, esp. with older sibs in the mix. So is sleep deprivation, and a crazy mommy. So we have nothing in her bassinet (a pack and play, which is so not mushy!), she has very strong head\neck\arms (for a baby!), so for now that is what works for us. Will talk to the ped at her next apptmt (in a week).

[pixie]

I have found that if my baby has to fart (I love that word) or poo, she won't go to sleep properly and will wake very easily.

On a GOOD night I can put her down but you have to put her down at the right time. I wait about 45 minutes, I have my laptop to play on while she sleeps. If I do it BEFORE she's been asleep for 20 minutes, then she'll wake up at that 20 minute period that most babies awake a tiny bit from their sleep cycles... so I let her pass that tiny awake and then a littel more. Sometimes she will simply wake 1 hour after I put her to bed, so some nights I wait 1 hour and 15 minute to pass that 1 hour mark that she sometimes wakes at, it's easier if she's still in my lap to quickly give her the bottle/boob or rock her to keep her asleep vs being in the crib or bed where she seems to be harder to get back to sleep.

Currently my girl won't make it more then 1 to 2 hours in the crib, she used to sleep 5 hours but then has this awful gassy period around 3 months and I wound up co-sleeping so I sort of created a monster.. but oh well I guess.

I have found with the sleep cycles timing is everything, also making sleep associations so when he/she wakes inthe crib some things are there such as paci/lovey etc.

[Shelly]

My second child (daughter) S L O W L Y taught me the lesson that it is much more about the baby's personality - something inborn - than it is about what we as parents do to teach them to sleep. My first, my son, was a wonderful sleeper and I thought it was because we did everything right - HA! Pride goeth before a fall, right? These sleep regressions you speak of, we could hardly identify them in DD because they all just ran together. Anyway, the one thing that did help us immensely with both babies (though it didn't make DD sleep well) was swaddling. Tight swaddling, and white noise, made DS (who already slept pretty well at 2 months) magically sleep twice as long - and from there his sleep only progressed to longer and better. No real regressions at all. We continued swaddling him tightly for months. And at 5 years old, he still sleeps with his "ocean" on. The swaddling is what allowed us to lay DD down without waking her. Although, not to make Eric feel worse, that never did make her sleep LONGER. But it let us lay her down asleep and get an hour or two many times. Like you, Moxie, and some previous posters, I am now firmly in the camp of By Any Means Necessary to get the most people the most sleep possible. And NO GUILT over it!!! What ended up being a long cosleeping arrangement for us could have been a lot more pleasant if I could have let go of the guilt.

[Shelly]

Just want to add, DS (5) doesn't NEED his "ocean" to sleep anymore, just likes it. I was terrified of creating an association that we couldn't break and would be weird or difficult for him as an older child. It did not pan out to be an issue; we swaddled more and more loosely until not at all - he gave it up willingly sometime significantly before his 1st birthday - and he gave up the paci on his own at 1 year. The "ocean" he could take or leave now, but likes it sometimes and I like that it masks our activity outside the room. Just FWIW on sleep "crutches". Of course, he's the "good" sleeper so probably not a good example, either.

[G's momma]

One thing we did was wrap little g in a blanket or t-shirt that smelt like mommy. Then when I put her in the crib I kept that same item with her. She seemed to sleep easier and longer with this item. Perhaps it fooled her into thinking I was still holding her - I am not sure. This was about at the 4 month mark.

When she was a newborn it was almost impossible to put her down without a swaddle or in a swing or chair. I think this had to do with her tummy because she had a a lot of gas and spit up problems.

[Laura]

Yeah - do what it takes, whatever it takes, to get as much sleep as you can. What It Takes right now is probably going to be vastly different from What It Takes at the next (sorry, yes, there are more) sleep regression, so I wouldn't worry about long-term effects.

Case in point - my 16 month old just finished a phase of terribly light sleep during which I discovered that having a humidifier in her room really helped (white noise). Then she got a fungal diaper rash from all that moisture, so I had to switch it out to a normal fan. Then she got SOOOO thrilled and distracted by the fan that she couldn't get to sleep (kept popping up from nursing saying, "Fah!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"). So i took it out of her room entirely.

She's over the sleep hump now (*crosses fingers*) and is only waking once a night, at around 4am. I'm in heaven! If I go to bed at a decent hour, I can have upwards of 5 or 6 hours IN A ROW!!!

It does get better. You are at what was my absolute low point - hopefully that puts it into perspective a bit.

Also, I don't know the age/weight limit for this, but the Amby Bed or other "hammock" kind of suspension bed might be the answer for babes who need that constant motion to sleep.

[terri mac]

Do you think that it may be the temperature change that is rousing your babe? You could try warming up the crib mattress with a heating pad set on low. You'd have to remove it a minute or more before laying him down to get the temp right. Or, you could try snuggling babe up with a warmed rice sock as you lay him down. The warmth and weight will make it seem like you are still there. I have friends that have had great success with this. For a double whammy, wrap the sock in a nice mommy smelling shirt (as suggested above).

[Heather]

Some things that helped us with the transition to the crib were introducing a lovey (little bunny blanket thing from Carters) and also using a fleece sheet that someone made for us. It fit the crib mattress just like a regular sheet but is made of fleece so the mattress didn't have the cold sheet feeling when we put her down, instead it felt soft and warm. Random, but it did help (we live in a cold climate so the cold sheet syndrome was a problem for us). Also, don't rule out teething. Our daughter started having teething pains around 4 months, even though her first tooth didn't pop through until several months later. But it definitely caused her difficulty with sleeping. Finally, I second what everyone else says- do what you need to. So many of the sleep books lead you to believe that it's just a control game you have to play with the kid and if you don't succeed, you're a "soft" or unskilled parent. Baloney.

[rudyinparis]

Hi Eric,

With Younger we definitely fell into the By Any Mean Necessary method, so I was a lot more willing to co-sleep (with Eldest I was afraid if we started that way she'd end up in our bed for years. So she was in her crib. Until we moved her into a toddler bed, and she's been in our bed ever since. Funny how clever we think we are, isn't it?)--Anyway, knowing more the second time around, and being more tired, Younger was in bed with us and I found--along with a few of my other Mommy friends who went through the same thing--that at about the 7-8 month mark the amount of sleep gained by cosleeping begins to tap out (the kid's bigger, kicking more, they're more aware of you and your presence is waking them up, etc.) So, contrary to what I would have thought, it was a pretty easy transition to the crib at about the 8 month mark. My point is that cosleeping now doesn't commit you to cosleeping forever. But, if the crib does indeed work better, I agree with a PP that keeping our hands on the kid after she's been put down a little longer helps. A friend of mine swears by a method of: rocking while in the chair, stand up with child while maintaining rocking motion, walk to crib, still rocking with arms, lift child over rail and slowly keep the rocking motion as you slooowly lower the child... You get the picture.

I'm very glad your wife and family are healthy. And also, so great to hear a thoughtful question from a Dad--I'm always a little perplexed by the scarcity of questions or comments in this community from dads. So cheers to you!

[Kelly]

My two were troublesome sleepers in completely different ways. A noise machine worked wonders, though. We got the LifeWise Color-Changing Sound Soother (http://www.geeks.com/details.asp?invtid=6301538&cat=CON) because it was cheap but it's also awesome. We didn't use the colour changing aspect but it has a bunch of different noises (my kids both liked the "babbling brook" noise) and it's lasted a long time (the only drawback being that if the power goes out it stays turned off until you turn it back on again).
We use flannel crib sheets (less temp shock from warm arms to cold cotton) and had to mess around with room temp and jammie type (footie, non-footie, flannel, cotton) to get the right body temp for #2 who was sensitive to that).
We bounced ours, whereas you rock (which is fine) but I found that if I bounced until they were asleep and then slowly cut back on the bouncing until I was still, wait a few minutes, and then the final "dead asleep" test was to jiggle the baby a tiny bit (only enough to barely stir them if they weren't in deep sleep). Once deeeep sleep is achieved I'd hold them close and smoothly swing them up to my shoulder, hand behind head/neck/shoulders and one on the bum, and then smoothly swing them into the crib and slide my hands out.
Oh, and we swaddled - fleece in the winter, cotton in the summer - snugly until the babies could get free (and then for a while longer and they'd just free up while they slept).

Good luck!

[Virginia]

For making the arms-to-crib transfer, think about how you hold them in your arms initially. When I have to rock any of my three to sleep (2 yo boy and 3 mo b/g twins) I deliberately hold them in a way that will make the crib transfer easier. Often I lay them on my lap with one hand directly under baby's head/neck, the other hand or forearm under back/bottom. Doesn't feel as natural as the traditional full-arm cradle position, but its easier to lay them down with less jostling. Every kid is different, and certainly I agree with By Whatever Means Necessary, but do try a lot of trial & error, that's really the only way to find what works best. That's how we discovered the white noise machine, which really seems to help our kids fall asleep. Its a tough road that seems interminable now, but it will get better, really it will. Good luck!

[effective nancy]

I am SO not an expert, but we have found that our 2-month-old, highly sensitive and intense fussbucket benefits from our adaptation of the Karp method of soothing. We actually jiggle her to the point where it looks quite suspect to newbies who haven't tried soothing her down themselves.

After vigorous rocking in arms (that is, our dancing side to side, bouncing up and down, AND jiggling her like a frantic '80s air guitar solo), we can usually get her eyes to close right until she hits the mattress. As needed, our extreme measure is to hold the baby with two hands, one on head and holding in optional pacifier (she's not good with the inanimate latch) and the other on her torso; we brace the sidecar bassinet against the bed and roll her from side to side for a few minutes. Usually drops her right off. We cross our hands at the wrists both so we can see her face through the Y of thumb and forefinger on her head, and to stabilize the rocking motion so that her head and body stay synched up.

In all cases we support her head to make sure it stays in the same rhythm and plane as her body, all in-arms jiggles are about two inches total amplitude, and the rocking is just enough to plant each swaddled shoulder onto the mattress for a millisecond. These are really, really small movements overall, but fast (upwards of 80 bpm) and fairly uniform. We always taper off the motion to get to stillness rather than just suddenly stopping. THE BEST PART: this last bit takes place on the mattress in her bed, so all we have to do is take our hands off the top of a sleeping child, rather than trying to extricate our parts from under hers or having to set her down--she's already down.

As my mother says, our kid is going to go to Six Flags just to digest her lunch and get a good night's sleep. Nevertheless, it works!

[Kristine]

I read in one of the books I read shortly after my child was born that they did a small study where they had parents listen to a tape of a crying baby for 2 or 3 minutes, then they asked how long the baby had been crying and most parents said 10-20 minutes. Meaning that maybe it's not taking as long as it seems like it's taking. Looking at the clock when my son began fussing and noting the time, helped me to realize that he wasn't taking nearly as long as I thought to calm down.

That said, do what works, if it's rocking, then rock on.

[Fahmi]

One thing I did back then, and I am not sure how well it worked, or if I was deluding myself, was do the rocking in a sling. And once the kid was asleep, put the sling down on the bed and shrug out of it, leaving the baby inside. And about twenty minutes later, when the baby is in deep sleep, ease baby out of sling and in to the crib. It made me cry when after all that, he would still wake up, but it worked just often enough that I kept up with it.

[effective nancy]

I should also mention that the Sleep Sheep from cloud B is a total godsend; we laughed when we got it as a gift, and then have used it ever since.

[Heather Terrell]

We had great success with swaddling until Dude was about 5 months old. IMO, 4 months is way too early to start "sleep training". They're still confused about how they got here in the first place ; )

We used the Baby Whisperer modified version of sleep training at 8 months with great success. I say "modified" because I worked around his schedule rather than forcing one on to him and because I was willing to compromise on the wake time because he's just an early riser and likes a little extra daytime sleep. It sucks but it's not worth the fight to force him to stay down longer. I liked that method because you don't leave the baby alone to cry. It was immensely time consuming for a few days, but worth it. I wish we'd started it around 6 or 7 months, but no earlier than that.

Of course, this method won't work for everyone I'm sure. In the end, it's always by any means necessary. We just had to do something different because no one was getting the sleep they needed.

[Virginia]

For making the arms-to-crib transfer, think about how you hold them in your arms initially. When I have to rock any of my three to sleep (2 yo boy and 3 mo b/g twins) I deliberately hold them in a way that will make the crib transfer easier. Often I lay them on my lap with one hand directly under baby's head/neck, the other hand or forearm under back/bottom. Doesn't feel as natural as the traditional full-arm cradle position, but its easier to lay them down with less jostling. Every kid is different, and certainly I agree with By Whatever Means Necessary, but do try a lot of trial & error, that's really the only way to find what works best. That's how we discovered the white noise machine, which really seems to help our kids fall asleep. Its a tough road that seems interminable now, but it will get better, really it will. Good luck!

[George]

I found that swaddling definitely helped when our girl was small. We only stopped when she could flip herself over onto her tummy while swaddled.

During the hot summer I found that it was the temperature difference between my arms and her cot sheet that would wake her up. I took to loosely wrapping a muslin or a very light cotton blanket round her while feeding her down and then placed the blanket and herself in the cot. Once she was lying down still asleep I could open the blanket so she didn't overheat.

[Nutmeg]

Alright, I know this is going to sound "duh" but it is something that took us a while to figure out, so maybe it will help you but maybe not!

We didn't transition to the crib from our bed until 5-6 months, but when we did, we were at a loss. Our son sleeps terribly, so we've tried a lot of things.

What works best for us is walking him around to calm him down and put him to sleep and he usually does that pretty quickly, but putting him the crib always wakes him up. We pat his chest (patting has always been a comfort to him since his severe colic days)... we pat him until he falls back to sleep and then we keep on patting! He has a motion detector so often he wakes up when we walk away... but then we just pat him some more and try again.

So... that's our trick for putting him back to sleep. Patting.

Try it on your kid tonight!

[kelly]

i have a 6 1/2 month old who has never napped for more than 30 minutes (did this more or less three times a day until around five months, when we slid down to 20-25 minutes and have been there ever since) and still wakes up several times a night. i just wanted to say that the very worst thing about all of this for me has been moxie's point #3--feeling like i'm doing something wrong. or worse, doing something bad to my baby by not....i don't know what. making her cry herself to sleep? in the light of day, that just seems so backward. in the middle of the night, i'm convinced i'm ruining her somehow. and that is way worse than the sleep deprivation.

anyway, the one thing that i have found to help with transitioning to a crib is, right after i put her down, i gently bounce the mattress on either side of her head. that and having something soft (like a fleece blanket) under her head, and not just cotton, like people have said, has helped.

[hydrogeek]

Ah, the good old four month sleeping NIGHTMARE. We got a little swaddler thing with a velcro patch on it so the swaddle would stay closed when my daughter was born. I think she was about 2-3 months old before we actually started using it, but if we'd wrap her in it, then rock/nurse her to sleep we could lay her down in her bassinet and she'd stay asleep...for a little while. It got us over the hump of laying her down without waking her up anyway. As for the night wakings...well, we were kinda part-time co-sleepers, because the first time she woke up at night I brought her to bed with us. By Any Means Necessary included me sleeping with my boob out the rest of the night for a while there.

[Sherry]

At four months, my girl wouldn't rock. I would walk her around and put her down when she was really sleepy -- trying to hold her in the same position and all that jazz. If she seemed wakeful, I'd keep my hands/arms on the mattress beside her and jiggle the mattress -- that worked sometimes. Also, here's the big admission -- she slept on her stomach, or sometimes her side. Everything has changed so much over the months, though. Now she's 9 months, and I can't walk her to sleep. The only thing that works is letting her cry for a little. I hate it, but walking or patting or whatever just makes her more awake. And she doesn't want to nurse to sleep. I mean, it makes her mad if I try. It's all so different from just a few months ago. We also use a fan for white noise. I love it. Way to go to a Dad for helping with it all. I'm going to go look up 9-month sleep regression now. :)

[Sarah2]

I rocked my baby to sleep until he was almost 11 months. From about 11 months he was able to go into his crib not fully asleep, and fall asleep on his own. Now, at 12.5 months, I rock him for about 3 minutes and he goes into his crib fully awake, then falls asleep no problem. So, point being, I do not think that rocking your young baby to sleep will set you up for a lifetime of sleep problems! I always felt I was instilling good habits by getting him to sleep at all :), by any means necessary...

[meggiemoo]

The poster's baby sounds exactly like our son (now 2) at that age. I would rock and rock and rock and then ever-so-gently lay him down in the crib. The actual motion of coming down through the air from my shoulder would wake him up sometimes. Um, gravity isn't something I can really get around.

So here's what I tried (among every other method out there):

- while slowly lowering the baby down, wedge baby in one of the corners of the crib, so they feel surrounded on their head and one side. keep your arms around them for a little while (hello, chiropractor!) and even gently rock their body from side to side in the crib.

- alternatively, keep your hands firmly on their belly (or back, our DS was a belly sleeper) so they feel that connection. Lessen the pressure incrementally until your hands are barely resting. Then remove.

- getting one of those positioners or even some rolled up fleece blankets to put around them. A lot of babies just hate that feeling of being surrounded by lots of open space. (So do I, actually.)

- cosleeping works wonders for lots of families, if you're open to that.

- if your baby has good head and neck control and you feel comfortable with it, you could try putting him to sleep on his belly. Our son wouldn't sleep any other way, and we had none of the risk factors for SIDs, so I was fine with it. You can check with your ped, of course.

Good luck!

[Dawn]

Can I just say I love Eric? I can only assume he was writing this while his wife was sleeping.

I have no advice - in the light of day, I'm able to rationally look at the tiny improvements that happen (Alex used to ONLY sleep ON us - for 8-12 weeks - now he'll sleep beside us, sometimes rolls over and falls asleep on his own ... finally got himself down to 0-1 nursings between the hours of 9p-9a.

(at night - it's a whole other story - just know that whatever evil you wish on your nonsleeping child is TOTALLY normal. This morning I informed my husband that the 9 month old is clearly the spawn of Satan. :)

[hedra]

No time to read, quick note: Flannel sheets are less cold if they notice temp change. And some kids react to rotation, while others react to 'tilt'. One of mine could be slipped onto the crib from one horizontal angle to the other provided there was NO ROTATION. Which meant rocking him to sleep in exactly the position (which side 'up') he could maintain in the bed. Another could be rolled over sideways without a stir, but tilt his head or feet at all from the angle of start, and he was UP. Totally flat settling worked, then roll him into his space (he also eventually was one who would 'roll himself away from mommy' after nursing down most of the way - the other one tended to 'skooch' rather than roll).

One of the twins slept partly in/on the sling for a bit, too, because for her it was like the texture of what was touching her that counted - rock/nurse down in sling or on a blankie, and then move the whole set, and she was fine. Remove from one texture to the other? No go.

Sixty million possible methods. Keep trying! Eventually you'll either find what works or they'll outgrow the issue. Either way, at least you'll feel like you're 'DOING SOMETHING' - sometimes that is all I need to keep sane is knowing I'm still looking and haven't given up utterly. Though giving up and just rolling with whatever is working is probably more sane by far. :)

[Dawn]

oh yeah, after I read some other comments I remember that I used to let Alex fall asleep on me in our bed, then I could roll to my side, still holding him, settle him on his side, still holding him, pull one limb away, still holding him, repeat till he was on his own. I could then arrange his legs so that he'd naturally roll to his back from his side without me having to completely lay him that way.

(moral of the story - you will forget a lot of this stage :) )

[Susan]

My son, 13 weeks, will also not sleep in his crib. The transition kills the sleep. So, we co-sleep at night and during the day, the boy sleeps in his car seat. And we swaddle for all sleeping. The genius thing about the car seat, for us, is that when he stirs or wakes a tiny bit during and after the transition into it, we can just rock it back and forth (most car seats can be put into an easy rocking mode by bringing the handle to the front). This puts him back to sleep or helps him get into a deeper sleep. And it also means he doesn't have to spend quite as much time in our arms, which is good for us. And, unlike in the crib, the car seat + swaddle means he is snuggly and surrounded. He doesn't go from the warmth and surround of our arms into a cold and wide open space (the car seat also has a fleece liner). The sides and head supports of the car seat help him feel like he is still being held. This won't be perfect forever, obviously, but it sure helps now.

[Sky]

Aha, we're at exactly the same stage, the dreaded 4 months. Day time sleeping isn't working for us at all at the moment, but we have cracked (at the moment) getting to sleep at night for our little munchkin. What works for us is a combination - we do the last feed downstairs and try to get as much into her as possible. We then go upstairs into our very dimly lit bedroom - we always keep it very dim and never put on a light during the night.

We co-sleep (despite my many fears about it initially) and the munchkin is in a little 'nest' on top of the duvet. That way I can breast feed her lying down and doze while I'm doing it and when she has finished and is asleep, I can just role away. Usually (although not last night) she is asleep within 3-5 mins and will sleep until 3am-ish, when she starts waking every hour or two hours. We started co-sleeping because, like your little one, our munchkin would wake every time we put her down in the cot. If your wife is breast feeding, it might be worth a try to co-sleep and feed lying down.

Another thing that seems to help is more blankets (a heavier weight on top of her) than most books recommend. She seems to need the weight of the blankets to keep her asleep. Another thing I do is to speak softly to her as I am transferring her to her pram to sleep during the day - some reassuring noise from me sometimes helps her stay asleep.

I never realised before how crucial sleep is and how much I would miss getting an 8 hour stretch. Hang in there!

[Arwen]

Our daughter (now 15 months) was borderline colicky, which forced us into Do Anything to Survive mode, which I think actually made the sleep issue much less complex for us, since we had no ideals and just did whatever worked. At that age we had a well-honed system wherein I would go to bed, and my husband would put the baby in the ring sling and bounce her to sleep, then wait twenty minutes to the middle of her sleep cycle and oh-so-carefully transfer her to my arms, where she would sleep and nurse the whole night.

We were worried that she'd always need the sling to get to sleep, but she started eschewing it at about six months, and stopped wanting to sleep in my arms at around the same time. Now she goes down quite easily thanks to a well-honed bedtime routine, and sleeps in a crib (well, a crib sidecar, but we always planned to have her in our room the first couple years).

For what it's worth, my experience is that although there are some parents who really don't want to co-sleep with their babies and toddlers, there are many who don't mind it or even enjoy it, it's just that societal pressure makes them feel like they *should* be having their children sleep in separate beds. Or they're afraid that if they let the baby sleep in their bed they'll never get him out, which is a valid fear because it can be a difficult transition... but weaning and potty-training can be difficult transitions too, and yet no one warns that if you dare to nurse or diaper your baby you'll be doing it forever. Embracing co-sleeping has been one of the best decisions my husband and I have made as parents.

[Jojo]

I rocked my boy to sleep every night for 15 months. I stressed myself about it for the first 8 months, and then realized that it was a great way to unwind after a long day. I'd sit in the dark room, cuddle my little man, and relax. At 15 months, he decided that he was done with all that, and we moved on from there. I miss rocking him.
To trasnistion him to the crib, I always watched for him to go limp. Then, I watched the clock and waited 3 more minutes just to give him a little extra time to really transistion into sleep. To get him in the crib I slowly lowered him into the crib with his feet slightly lower than his head. Make sure the feet touch first! It worked most nights.

[Bobbi]

Ugh...been there. You have my sympathy. All I can say is, it WILL get better...

One thing that helped us is a Gro-bag. They are awesome little baby sleeping bags, and it helps to minimize the temperature difference between your arms and the crib a lot. Also, everything everyone else said - lots of good stuff here (I like the "wedge the head in the corner" suggestion - that helped my son a lot).

Good luck!

[liz]

We found that if MM slept in the swing (on the side-to-side setting) for the first part of the night, that it was easier to put him in his crib for the second part of the night. Somehow, getting that very motion-filled rocking sleep geared him up for the still and quiet crib.

Didn't always work, mind you, but it worked better than just putting him in the crib.

[z]

Haven't read all the comments so sorry if am redundant.
First, Eric my sympathies.. 4-month regression SUCKS THE BIG ONE. It does get better. I bought the pantley book around that time and discovered that some ideas in it helped which now I know are pretty universal.
We started our bedtime routine with roughly the same bedtime around this time which didn't help immediately but helped in the long run.
We would lay with the baby and many nights I went to sleep with him because i was exhausted (we are cosleepers).
We would take turns and give each other 3-4 hour chunks as much as possible through the night.
Whatever it took we did. Some nights it meant that he slept essentially with the boob in his mouth and other nights we let the baby sleep on the couch with us while we sat in darkness and watched TV on Closed captioning.
I remember we had about 1 week of pure torture with 8+ wakings a night and then just a few weeks of 4-5 wakings which after 8 plus was a relief.
As for the crib thing, when we did lay the baby on his own for sleep we did the sears trick of putting our hands on his chest for about 5 minutes after laying him down and that worked for us.

One thing i want to mention FWIW is that cribs are very firm and sometimes that is what affected our panda was to go from the softness of our bodies to the firmness of the crib and so when we lay him on our bed free of pillows and sheets but on our nice foam mattress the immediate wakings were less.

[lucy]

After we came home from a month away, the transition back to crib was very difficult for our 16 week old son. He seemed to have some kind of crazy crib fear. Screaming as soon as i placed him in
And its still tricky, but its getting better. We follow a routine that doesn't change. Bath, breast , then swaddled in a miracle blanket , pacifier and rocked in the rocking chair with the same song every night. Then when he's drowsy he goes in. At first he hated it, so i'd "reset" every time he cried, which meant picking him up and rocking and doing some loud shushing, sometimes I'd even go back to the chair. The first night I did it about 8 times, the next time it was less, and now I don't need to take him out.
I'm not sure what your crib is like, but once or twice if I kept holding him for about a minute as he was lying down and kept whispering the lullaby it helped him feel more secure in the crib. It felt very awkward but helped him feel comfier about the crib.
Then once he is asleep, when he wakes, and its not about boob I go back in and pat and reassure, trying to be efficient, calm and not engage too much with him. If he is crying I take him out and reset.
Sticking to a routine has definitely been the best thing for us. It now takes us less time from swaddle to crib to sleep. He knows and is really comforted by the repetition. Also getting him there earlier in the evening has helped a lot. He's not so over tired.

It won't last forever. You are doing a brilliant job. You are wonderful parents, and you're obviously a gorgeous husband. We are all with you....around the country...at 3am...shushing and rocking and singing and despairing and loving.

[Cloud]

At that age, we were still using the moses basket. We found that a lot easier for gently putting Pumpkin down, because we could lean right over it and still have the baby in our arms in the basket, and then sloooowly remove our arms. Hubby was far better at this than I was. He would also sometimes parially lift the basket and bounce the entire thing. We also swaddled, even though she inevitably kicked/squirmed her way out within an hour- it helped with the transition because we bounced her in the swaddle and so she got to stay in her nice snuggly blanket (OK, so it was summer here and it was a nice lightweight blanket) when we put her down.

At around 4 months, we started solidifying our bedtime routine. I honestly can't remember if that helped at the time, but we were glad to have the routine later. It helped a lot when we moved her to her crib at a little over 6 months. That move, a bunch of colds, the 8 month sleep regression... oh that time sucked. But we got through and are getting halfway decent sleep now.

As one of the PPs said- my Mom and Dad talk about how hard it was to put me and my sister down in our cribs. So this is not some new problem created by modern namby-pamby parenting!

So hang in there, Eric. Try everything you think might work, know that your baby is just doing normal baby things and you guys aren't doing anything wrong.

[Kellee]

We use a sheepskin. There. I said it. Don't call the SIDS police, please. We've had it since he was about 5 months old, and it has revolutionized our transitions. No more arched-back/leg-kicking/tear-inducing transitions to the hard crib mattress. We still have to be pretty careful of the way we swing him into the crib, etc, and there are lots of great suggestions for that above. I do the nurse/rock to just rocking to stand&sway to lower carefully, leaving arms and chest on him/remove contact carefully type of transition described previously. It sounds more complicated than it is.

I'll also go ahead and second the swaddling suggestions others have made. For our Weebeastie we used the Miracle Blanket thing (tighter in the early months, then looser towards the end, and left his feet out when he got too tall for the little pocket) until about 6 mos when he began to really, really, really, really want to have his hands free during the night and would fight himself awake trying to get out and then scare himself to death with the flapping arms. So, as part of the 6 mo sleep regression, since we weren't going to get more than an hour of sleep at a time anyway, we also went kinda cold turkey on the swaddling. I don't recommend that, but it worked out in the end. It sucked a^* for about three weeks, especially with teething thrown into the middle of the mix. We have typically split the night, my husband and I, but as a bridge for him and us this time, I just slept with him in the guest bed for a couple of weeks to help him learn that those crazy flying things in the night wouldn't kill him. The arms! They attack! Where did they come from! Help!

We knew from the 4mo regression (which seriously almost killed us) that it would pass, that the transition back to the crib would be OK in the end, and that we just had to muddle through.

We're now (7.5 mos) back to just two feed wakings a night at roughly midnight and 4am, each only lasting about half an hour (as opposed to the nightmare pattern of: sleep 45 mins, up 1.5+ hrs that we got during both regressions) which is very managable since we split the night. Before two am, DH is on duty with a bottle of breastmilk (I pump just before I go to bed) at the ready, and after 2am, he's all mine. That way each of us has the potential of at leat 4-5 hrs of sleep in a block, and on a practical level can often squeeze 5-7 hrs into a night if we make a point of getting our butts to bed at a reasonable hour.

But yeah - the 4 month thing made me want to give him back because we just didn't know it was coming, and we were sure he'd never sleep again without a boob in his mouth. OK, maybe I feared that fate more than his dad. At any rate, thank god we were wrong. It WILL get better. It will.

Also, we got pretty adept at changing the subject or blowing off the question when people/extended family asked about him sleeping, and that got most people off our backs with the unsolicited and/or unhelpful advice or my-child-slept-through-the-night-at-6-weeks stuff that we just couldn't bear to hear right then. NOW I can be more cheery about their luck, but 3 weeks ago we would have considered a statement like that reasonable grounds for homicide.

[Cecily T]

Yay...finally a post about something that I've gone through and can offer advice, or at least sympathy! I'm with Moxie...whatever gets you there, and every baby's got their own preferred style of falling asleep. If you're lucky, there'll be more than one way. Mine only ever wanted to nurse before bed.

I went through the putting-down-and-waking thing too. I learned that the general rule, at least for my V, is that if I suspect she's 'faking' and is going to wake up, I don't wait and wait for the deep sleep to kick in. It just doesn't. What worked for us is putting her down, letting her wake up, standing by the crib and starting her entertainment devices (mobile and FP aquarium) and then slinking off while she watched them with her paci in. While she wouldn't go to sleep that way, I'd get a break from the nursing/rocking and she'd be winding herself down. When she was done with the crib, she'd fuss (I mean, ahem, scream like a banshee) and then I'd know it was time for the real session of nursing to bed. So I sort of have a tension increaser-followed-by-decreaser in Moxie's parlance.

Recently, at just about 7 months, she has actually started falling asleep watching those things. So yay! for no crib-transfer. Not every night, but sometimes. :)

My cousin had HELPP with her last one and it's so scary. I'm so glad everyone is okay.

You have my sympathy; I promise he'll get through this and start sleeping easier.

@tinyQ: Oh, no! An 8-month regression?...we are making such good progress at 7 months. Nooo!

[anonymous]

My question is how and when do they outgrow the rocking to sleep thing? My 15 1/2 month old still rocks to sleep and it often takes up to an hour for her to go down. She has to be out cold before she will go into the crib. How do we transition to putting her in the crib when she is partially awake so that she can fall asleep on her own? We have tried CIO and it was miserable. She is an active kid who does not want to miss anything so unless she is totally asleep putting her in the crib is akin to torture.

[maureen]

Didn't read through ALL the posts but just had one thing to add... a lot of young babies have such a strong fall reflex (there is a more official term to this but I can't recall it right now). One of my boys had an overly devloped fall reflex (at least compared to my other son), so that if we went to put him on the crib moving directly vertically down (i.e., he was horizontal - on his back - and we'd lower him down to the crib so he stayed horizontal the entire way), he would have one of those reflexes and wake up. We had a lot of success fully swaddling him (helped that reflex and really comforted him) and then lowering him in so he was sideways. Then right when he was on the crib we could roll him over very gently and not suddenly and it would avoid that reflex kicking in and waking him.

That time is pretty fuzzy now but I do remember my husband, mom and I laughing as we'd watch the one put him into his bassinet so slowly and quietly - it looked like a movie in super slow motion.

Good luck... hope you guys (all three of you) get some sleep.

[caramama]

I always read the comments first, but I just couldn't bare to think about those tough months between 3.5 months and 7.5 months in which we did Any Means Necessary. And reading the comments started to bring me back there too much. I am too fragile right now to re-live it. I'm sure they are lovely, helpful comments though.

As for Eric's issue, we just kept trying to put her down, as slowly and gently as possible, and she would wake right back up anyway. At this point, we were out of the swaddle and she was rolling over regularly. So, we went ahead and put her down on her side or her stomach, and that helped a lot, eventually.

So for example, she would nurse to sleep or be rocked to sleep in my arms, lying on her side (in cradle nursing position). She would fall asleep (hopefully into deep sleep). I would get up from the glider, tip toe to her crib, and put her down still holding her as close to my body as possible. As some point, I got the idea to nurse/rock her with a lovey between her and my stomach and when I put her down, I did so with the lovey. It was a decent sized stuffed animal, and I would drap her arm over it so that she was snuggling something when I layed her down on her side (mimicking how she was in my arms). And then, I would bit by bit move my body parts away from her.

This was what eventually worked, but for many months, we just had to hold her. I suggest finding a way to get comfy in the glider/rocker/recliner and plan to sleep with the baby sometimes.

Good luck to all going through this! It really does end eventually. I didn't think it would, but it has and we can do the transfer to the crib successfully regularly now!

Oh, and I see nothing wrong with nursing and rocking babies to sleep. It is how we are designed to do it. They will learn to fall asleep on their own when they are ready, as have all people throughout history. :-)

[sheSaid]

I didn't read all of the comments so I might be duplicating some things.

We have never been able to take the sleeping baby and lay him down and have him stay asleep... or if we have it has been so infrequent it's not worth mentioning.

But you know what? I actually don't care... in the begining I didn't WANT to put him down. And then I WANTED to be away from him and now as long as I get some me time I kinda like him sleeping on me.

I use a wrap during the day so that when he is out I can do my business and he keeps on sleeping. we did rock but bounced to sleep so the wrap keep my arms sane for that! If I nurse him down for a nap or at night we lay on a bed and I nurse him down and then wait and wait and wait till it feels like I am missing the entire world and then I roll away and he stays asleep (for about one sleep cycle aka 45 min then I run up and repeat). Sometimes I take a book with me then I don't mind it at all.

I think when having him in our bed it too much trouble I might just do a mattress on the floor in his room and lay down with him till he's asleep and roll away. Though sometimes he nurses, gets drowsy looks up at me and rolls over away from me and goes to sleep on his own!

[sheSaid]

Oh! and the comment about me not caring was more about letting go of my own guilt than anything else. because oh yes the fear that you are ruining your kid and you are trying to rack your brain to find any new technique to make this kid do what he is expected to do - that is horrible worse than not sleeping.

[Amy M]

1 - I agree that experimentation is a great idea. We found that just holding worked as well as rocking, and it didn't matter if we were in a dark quiet room or in the living room in front of the TV...so for a while we just took turns holding her while watching the tube. That way we didn't care if it took her an hour to fall asleep. We also tried to wait until her arms were limp, so she was in a deeper sleep. Try different positions and techniques.

2 - During the sleep regressions we never found a solution to the waking as soon as you put baby down in the crib. Sometimes having the pacifier in her mouth helped, because it would calm her before she could cry. Other days it was just rinse and repeat until she would stay asleep.

3 - We rocked/held/nursed to sleep until DD was 10.5 months old. Starting at 6 months, I would try every 2 weeks to put her down awake. It wouldn't work and she would get so worked up that it would take 60-90 minutes to calm her back down. Suddenly at 10.5 months she was able to go down drowsy but awake. Sometimes she cries for 2-3 minutes, but now she seems to release tension by crying instead of increasing tension.

4 - This is not your fault. Everything that you are dealing with is totally and completely normal, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not being realistic.

5 - Also, we did some cosleeping during the 4 and 8 month sleep regressions. There comes a point when you would rather get not-so-great sleep than no sleep at all.

[Shandra]

Ah you have my son there! I'll just describe what we did and see if it works for you.

We used a laundry basket and then a crib later because the crib was too big, but if your baby sleeps okay the rest of the time, that may not be an issue. So ok, the protocol, once we were in the crib stage:

- while rocking, drape with a worn shirt to provide proper scent.

- gradually transition from rocking to holding in one arm with the other arm over him (sandwiched), let top arm get heavy

- slowly rise, swaying. Keep pressure on both sides.

- s-l-o-w-l-y lower into flannel sheeted (less "cold feeling" than cotton) crib, maintaining warm pressure on chest. (Rial down) Extract bottom arm; slide baby up against crib at the top (my son STILL sleeps with his head in the corner at 2.5). Keep top arm on!

- stand awkwardly by crib, gradually easing top arm pressure over about a 1-2 minute timespan

- carefully raise crib side, leaving shirt in

- sneak out

As another thought, we then switched to walking our son to sleep and then the key was the chest pressure, so we would (this is pathetic) basically LIE OVER HIM for two minutes while he adjusted to the crib and only then straighten up.

Your chiropractor will not thank me.

Cosleeping, which we started around 13 mos, was a lot easier.