Reader help for pregnancy qualms

Heather writes:

"During your Christmas to New Years open thread I tossed out a little whimper of an "OMG, I'm pregnant" and got a few very nice responses for which I am grateful. In the last year I have gotten engaged and married, quit one job, moved 800 miles away from my family, didn't work for awhile, got a GREAT, CRAZY, HUGE job which I love{!!!} and am only just now figuring out how to do. So … there has been a lot of change. I'm still not really dealing with the fact that I am pregnant very well. Still, I'm eating right, taking the vitamins & fish oil, went to the doctor yesterday and saw the heartbeat {I broke into heartbroken tears, and now feel bad that this magical moment just felt … ugh … awful} and asked the doctor for help finding a therapist {because BOY HOWDY do I need one apparently}.

So, first, thank you for saying at some point awhile back that it was ok to find a therapist because that helped me find the guts to do it. Second, right now I am trapped in the things that are changing and going away {perhaps, I recognize, being a little overly dramatic about those things even} and I know that I don't understand the good things that it will be replaced by. Can you and the lovely ladies in the computer articulate the good stuff and help a woman find her way out of the dark?"

Boy have I been there.

Not with the job I love and marriage and move all happening at the same time. But with the "What have I done??" and "My life has hardly even begun--how can I have a baby now?"

Personally, I think it's counterproductive to try to force yourself to think it's all normal and happy and the best thing that'll ever happen to you. Being uncomfortable with the change and transition, now that's normal. I think it's important to let yourself mourn your old life, and to explore the fears you're feeling, and to know that it's not all going to be great right away and that it will take a lot of time and energy and lost sleep to get to the new normal. But that the new normal is thousands of shades richer than the one you have now. The highs are higher and the lows are lower.

I could go on about this for pages, but I think it's better just to turn it over to the commenters, who will do a better job in fewer words. Please work your magic, friends.

Comments

[Amy]

Oh, Heather, can I empathize! I married my second husband in the summer of 2006, had a brand new job, a new house, and my own two kids to get adjusted to all the new adjustments. Then, WHAM, I found out I was pregnant 8 weeks after our wedding day, 2 weeks after starting my new job. I was floored. Scared. Upset. You name it. We did want a baby... but not so soon. And after a terrible 2005 in which I finally got the divorce and got fired (among other things)... I was hoping that things were finally settling down. Well, settling down just wasn't meant to be.

But here I sit pining for that little man. He is a tough customer--not an "easy" baby--but oh my, he melts my heart. My advice is to just feel what you feel. Don't beat yourself up for your emotions. Babies certainly do throw a kink into the works. My husband and I were all set to do lots of newlywed things in the months after our marriage... instead I was sick. So, now we plan to do lots of things with our empty nest years. In the meantime, we struggle with a blended household, in which both parents work, every one is tired, and there's never enough money to take that vacation that would make it all better.

But I wouldn't trade that baby for all the vacations in the world. I'm not going to play the "love at first sight will make it all better" card... but you WILL get used to having a baby... and sometimes "getting used to" the changes is the best we can do!!

[Sherry]

Good golly. I would be deep in depression by now if I were you. I know, because I've made a big move across country (I had to move back -- I couldn't handle it). Way to go on getting therapy! So important. My girl is 8.5 months, and I'm on antidepressants (I have been for years), but what I'm here to say is that I love my girl so much. I had the hardest time for the first three months. I truly regretted my decision to have a baby, and I remember saying to my mom that I didn't know if I could ever love my girl enough. I was afraid because I didn't love her that much, while my mom and my mother-in-law seemed completely in love with her. My husband was sure we'd ruined our lives. Then around 3.5 months, things started improving. Recently, I said to my husband that nobody could have prepared me for how hard the first few months were (not physically hard -- emotionally hard), and nobody could have prepared me for how much easier -- how great -- things would become. My girl smiles a lot, and pats her hands, and "yum, yums" over her food, and giggles, and splashes in her bath, and reaches out for me, and oh, I love her so. Sure, I wish things were easier sometimes, but truly, things weren't PERFECT before she was born. They were easier, but they weren't happier. My husband, who was very reluctant to have a baby, would say the same thing. He loves her more every day, I think. I am so thankful for my perfect girl. I can't seem to be eloquent in my comments on this site, but I remember wanting reassurance that having a baby, a child, was a happy-making thing to do, so I'm here to reassure you that indeed it is. Surprisingly, it is indeed.

[Sherry]

Also, I second what people say about not doing too much worrying, planning, predicting what your life will be like and how you'll handle things. Things fall into place. They work out. Because they have to, I guess. But it seems beautiful how they do.

[michaela]

IMHO, Amy at 1:54 said it best:

A glass of wine has never, ever tasted better to me than after a long day with my child (whether that day was awesome or tough).

[Heather]

Thank you all so much, I want nothing more but to give you each a piece of your favorite candy and a hug. You have helped me to feel a little more normal and have given me hope. After this started getting some comments I sent my husband the link {he wants to be excited but more than that he wants me to not be heartbroken} and I think it helps him too. THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.

[Meika]

Like so many others who have commented above, my pregnancy was filled with one terror after another - and I don't mean actual pregnancy scares, I mean the millions of "what ifs" that I couldn't keep out of my head. One of the biggest ones was that "I" was over...that I would completely lose my identity and just wouldn't be me anymore. I have found that to be absolutely not the case; if anything, I am more myself than I ever have been because I'm more rooted in the things that are important and more cognizant of what isn't worth a second thought.

I read an article written by a CEO years ago, and one quote really stuck in my mind. She said something like, "The idea that a woman can have it all isn't really true. But you can have most of what you want, most of the time, if you're willing to work to make it happen." She was much more eloquent, of course, but I thought that was brilliant - acknowledging the reality that yes, there are trade-offs, but a trade-off and a deal-breaker are not the same.

Go, Heather, go! You can do this!

[hedra]

I'm just aching to read the comments, but work is crazy and I can only comment at the moment... and probably shouldn't even do that.

First, transitions always hurt. They always cause doubts and grief and confusion. When you do the reading about labor, you'll find that the hallmark of the transition point in labor is 'doubt'. But for me, at that point of labor it isn't doubt, it's absolute certainty that I cannot do this. It is impossible, too much to ask, too great a task for one person, too hard physically, too hard emotionally, I have not enough to give. And I'm bloody freakin CERTAIN that this is true. Doubt makes it sound like I 'wonder' if I can do it. Hell no, I don't wonder if I can do it, I'm positive that I *cannot* do it. Anyone who says I can is immediately categorized as nuts or lying.

And yet, I did. Every time. And the relief when it started to work was huge. Not saying it works for everyone - or that even those who go through transition successfully feel that satisfied. I did, that's all.

So, for the doubt-aka-certainty thing - you're in a whole bunch of transitions at once, so that's extra hard. No safe place to feel like you've got things well in hand. Location, relationship, job, and parenthood all in transition at once. If you felt you had everything together, or even mostly, I'd wonder if you needed therapy, way more than the therapy you need for just falling apart under immense pressures coinciding.

Great on you for going for the therapy, too. It helps, or did for me. I had my therapist on call for my labor for my first child. Seriously. Had to sign a waiver so the midwives could call her in if I needed her. I didn't. Giving birth cleared a lot of decks - some I didn't even know needed clearing. Therapy maybe made it possible for them to stay clear for a bit, too.

Anyway, the good stuff. The reason for doing this, the core, the foundation to hold onto...

For me, it wasn't the small moments of joy, but the changing of perspective. It's hard to even remember who I was, before I was a mother. It is foreign, separated by a lifetime. In the moment where my first son came into the world, I changed in two (probably related) ways.

One, I was forever linked arm-in-arm to every woman who'd born a child, before me, and after me. That profound continuity was huge for me - I was an echo forward and backward in time, part of a pattern that had little to do with who I had been, and everything to do with what I was doing now.

And two, I stopped being the river of life, stopped being the core of my own existance, stopped being even unconsciously aware of myself as an individual force and a separate being moving through time. Instead, I became the banks of the river through which life flows. I could appreciate my own passage through my life far more profoundly than I ever could imagine before. I also saw my child moving forward into the future, starting at that moment, with me as only the banks past which he flowed. At the same time, we were bound together - no river without banks, no banks without river. His live changes would affect my shape, my life changes would affect his flow, until he was grown, and the banks became the shore of the ocean. We'd still have continuity, contact, and relationship, but shape and direction would no longer be quite so closely joined.

Okay, so I'd been in labor for three days when G was born, and I was probably nearly psychotic from lack of sleep. And probably hallucinating, too.

But that is how I felt. And still feel. It is not possible to explain it to you fully until you are there. It won't make sense, and as much of it as you grasp, there will be a whole universe of depth of understanding that you will think you know but don't. The space is not yet made for that. It will be, though.

Other things I love about being a parent, that I never imagined:

1) Seeing my own parents with new eyes. How COULD they have done that, and oh, how agonizing it must have been for them to do the other. My respect and my disappointment both enlarged exponentially. Mistakes magnified under the lens of the passion - god, the power of that mother-love - to the point that I could break down from remembering stupid shit they'd done decades before. And at the same time, holy crap, the things they'd done that were so obviously harder, impossibly harder than I'd dreamed. The times my mother held back, watched us learn, and stilled her tongue so that she didn't interfere with our growing up... the times she waited up for us to come home, but said nothing and showed no disapproval - nor really felt any. The time my sister nearly died. The time my brother did die, in her arms. Absolutely humbling to see your mother so strong, when you had thought nothing of those strengths - or maybe something, but nowhere near enough. And likewise, strengthening and powerful and enlightening to know their weakness and failure so completely, and hurt from it again knowing that they loved like *this* and still screwed it up more than once.

When my son was a few weeks old, I gave my mom a card that said, simply, 'Thanks, mom. Now I understand.'

2) Seeing the world with new eyes (part 1). Before I had a child, I thought I could still see the world with the eyes of a child. I never noticed how much that seeing had changed from when I was a child. Having a child... it tears down the filters we put up, and makes us feel and see and touch with new nerves and new skin and clear eyes. All the joys, and even more - all the horrors, clear and undiluted. I'll suggest that you don't watch daytime tv that has those ads about supporting kids from developing or impoverished areas - your heart will shatter just seeing their faces. Those children felt like my children, those mothers lived inside my skin, and I wept for the pain of understanding the horror of my child being hungry and having no food to give. When I gave birth to a child, I gave birth to every child. When I become a mother, I become every mother. When I held my baby in my arms, I felt responsible for the world. It removes the skin we've thickened, takes off the blinders, shakes the foundations down to bedrock. And as shattering as that seems, it is real. Powerful, passionate, whole, and complete, and never to be regretted. It doesn't stay raw like that forever, but if you let it, it stays real. Living with your skin off, some people say. You can focus it on your child alone, after a while, but it still may catch you unawares at times. It is why we get angry when another makes a choice we wouldn't have, I suspect. It sneaks up, puts us in each-other's shoes but gives no knowledge or perspective in detail. That's for us to figure out, on our own, or grant understanding and compassion with the assumption that the others feel likewise, but have a different history than we.

3) Seeing the world with new eyes (part 2). And hearing with new ears. The first time your child laughs at something you have done, the world changes. That something could sound so pure, perfect, and ... I don't know - just it is like a beam of light to your soul. No sound compares. The first time your child stands in a winter snowfall, looking up into the snowflakes falling through the creamsicle halo of a sodium light, eyes huge, face so full of awe and delight that there is no room for anything that the day contained before that moment... no sight compares. The first time you say to yourself 'screw it' and do what you disapprove of or dislike (hold a worm, track mud in the house), just because you can do it with your child - no moment compares. No words compare to I love you, and no hug compares with that full-body tackle of a toddler, and no burden is as precious as a sleeping child on your chest. And no matter how much I say of this, you still will not be able to understand until you feel it, see it, taste it, hear it. I have a great imagination, and I remember back into infancy, and I still did not get it until I experienced it. And that's entirely okay.

Yes, these moments become tarnished with repeated use. And staying up late to walk in the snow will stop being quite as appealing when you know it is a school night. But you still won't lose that first moment, and sometimes you'll do it even though you know you'll kick yourself later when everyone is grumpy from having stayed up too late, and over time those moments will chain together and their form will reshape your ideas of what is good, bad, and indifferent.

The time for learning these things isn't now - they'll come. I'm telling you because you asked, but I don't even WANT you to get them, understand them, even have more than a glimpse of what they really mean, not now.

Now is the time to freak out, panic, scramble. Now is the time to wonder if you were crazy, if you are capable, if you will ever be good enough to do what you want to do, if you'll ever get to follow your dreams, if you'll even want those dreams back once they've been interrupted by parenthood. Now is the time to fret, grieve, and wish you had picked a better time or done more with your life FIRST, done it sooner, done it better. These emptional mangles *are* what this point in time is about. Transition comes with this, and it isn't for no reason.

With the doubt comes the striving. With the panic comes the reaching out. With the despair comes the search for hope. When we're in transition, we *know* we can't. So we ask for help. We reach out, we research, we dig deep, we crumple and hope someone steps up behind us to put an arm around us. We reassess, re-evaluate, and obsess about the choices we've made. We peer into the future and see catastrophes and roadblocks. We look for guides and find only maps that say 'here there be monsters' or the maps look nothing alike, or are the wrong scale - too much detail, or not enough, and all of them useless at best, and terrifying at worst. But we still try, and in trying to see our way, make our first tottering steps toward the skills we will need later.

I sure as heck did it. I did it every blessed pregnancy - the six pregnancies I lost, the three I made it through. I was sure I could be parent to one child, after I'd had him - at least sure enough. But two? And then twins? Each panic has its own flavor, each freak-out has its own features. But they're all part of this, and they're real, and they're actually pretty damn sane. Not to mention good practice.

You will not feel fine for a while. I won't say that you will. And you won't feel like you're doing fine, either - that feeling comes and goes in fleeting moments for a long time. You'll probably look back at your dreams and plans and wonder what happened. And you'll look at your life and still feel it's good, and at times maybe better than any of your dreams before could have been. Except at 2 AM with a fussy colicy baby, when nothing is good except the prospect of sleep, and the knowing (thanks, Moxie) that there are many many other women awake right now, feeling just the same desperation for sleep. ;)

Carry on with the therapy. It will be a help. I wasn't done until I went back after my son was 2 or so. Love the fretting and the panic and the worry, they're part of you and deserve your love. Look under them to see what the fears are, and then look under the fears to see what the hopes are. And then feed the hopes, by doing what the panic and the worry ask - read up on the things that are coming, reach out to those who you can trust to support you, curl up in the comfort offered by those who love you. That's what you are being driven toward by all these feelings, and that is all good stuff. You're doing exactly right.

[PrehistoricMama]

Yes, being pregnant is hard and not everyone enjoys it. I kept musing to anyone who would listen,

"I just think there HAS to be a better way to do this. I mean, why can't we have babies like kangaroos do? I'd so be willing to birth a little kidney bean and then carry it in a pouch or something until it grew bigger." But alas, this is what we're given.

At the risk of sounding completely cliched...my life before kids and after kids is like "The Wizard of Oz" in black and white and then in color. You watch the movie and enjoy the black and white scenes, and then the color part comes and WHAMMO...everything's richer and deeper and more beautiful.

And honey, life is so...much...more...FUN. I swear to you.

[Samantha]

I can't really add much--the commenters above said it all--but I do remember how creeped out I was every time they listened to the baby's heartbeat, or I had an ultrasound, or at the end when they made me feel the baby's head as it was crowning (aack! why do they do that!?!!). I *hated* the thought of a living thing growing inside me like a parasite. It freaked me out. So hopefully that's not too abnormal :-) I love my girl now but I was not super psyched about the whole pregnancy thing and I had a very easy one.

Plus, ITA with hating the "are you excited/thrilled? question as well, since most of the time the answer was no!

[snickollet]

@Emily:

Thank you. It's nice to have a place that is safe for sharing these experiences and feelings.

[MG]

I basically had the same situation... except we got pregnant, THEN I got promoted, THEN we bought a house, THEN we got engaged, THEN we got married (when I was 8 months pregnant) YUCK! I was riding the wave of excitement, but at the same time I was becoming resentful of the little thing growing in my belly. I didn't want all of these things to happen in a matter of 40 weeks... I had an uneventful pregnancy, took great care of myself, met a lot of great women at prenatal yoga, and built a nice support system. After the baby was born my support system was essential. The baby blues kicked in hard core, my child was colicky, my husband and I were looking at each other as though we were complete strangers - our world got ROCKED. Without the help of wonderful friends and a great post partum doula I don't know what would have happened to our family unit!! My boy is now 4 months old and he is such a great baby. I barely remember what my life was like before him... it's awesome what nature does to us moms. I can't stop staring at him and I giggle at any new little sound or snort, or POOP he makes!! It just keeps getting better...

[Lemon]

What everyone else said! My favorite book was "Mothershock - loving every other minute of it" It compares becoming a mother to having a combo of culture shock & homesickness for your old life. After my first was born, I remember hiding in the bathroom so my husband wouldn't see me crying - I just wanted one day to go back to my old life, just to say goodbye. But you know what? I still have my own life. It changes, but change albeit scary, can end up being truly wonderful.

I don't know if your husband is also freaked out - mine was at times, and we made an agreement to try and take turns freaking out, and then being supportive for the other person, which mostly worked for us. I can tell you that having children brought us together in the most amazing way, because we are forced to rely on each other in a really cool way.

[pnuts mama]

oh my goodness, people, way to get another pregnant lady all choked up and bawling- as always the collective wisdom of this group is amazing- showing once again that even when we experience different things, they are all valid and true.

heather, i absolutely stand with the group in saying that yes- pregnancy is overwhelming and confusing and not always what you were expecting. charisse may be on to something with the idea that since now we are a generation who can choose to have/keep a pregnancy it seems to add that much more responsibility to it on our end- and we need to admit that and talk about it and adapt to what that means now. and i totally agree with the above commenter who has new respect for the right to choose now that she's a mama- wow, do i totally get that! *especially* now that i am a mom- man do i take all this so much more seriously.

i just totally want to throw my support for you (and anyone else who needs it) right now- and say that pretty much whatever you are feeling now, 9 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now, is ok. my mantra for the first year or so of pnuts life was "i am an imperfect person raising an imperfect person." and the poster who mentioned lowering expectations- so smart! just go with it! (if you can- maybe you are a control freak like me, then, you are in for some serious re-adjustment which will be good but painful).

more random thoughts:
there really isn't too much of our "life before kid" life that i miss- we still eat out (with the kid), we don't see so many movies (not a big loss), we still mostly do our thing, and have welcomed the kid-related things that this new normal of our life has evolved into. the PP's who said there is good reason gestation takes 40 weeks are right on. guess what? babies take forever to develop outside the womb for the same reason, you get used to their needs as they change, too. then, their needs aren't so needy, and you're amazed that you have the time that you used to again. which is awesome, then you get tricked into having another since you've blocked out what that 1st year or so was like. just kidding! kinda.

i was able to hide my 1st pg for a loooong time, and was happier for it! i didn't really like people up in my grill about how excited i should be or telling me their tips or horror stories. i still haven't told many people about this pg, although i won't be able to hide it the way i did last time. which is too bad. this pg has had it's own (new) range of freak-outs for me, so if you ever need to freak out, i'm here for you.

you can totally still have your awesome job if you want it (or change your mind, that's fine too!)- maybe you'll juggle your hours, maybe you can work from home sometimes, whatever! i had to re-adjust my schoolwork schedule, but it's working out just fine, or, some days, as well as can be expected.

if you need to, you'll find childcare that is wonderful and all will be well. there is no shame in that game, and anyone who tells you otherwise or makes you otherwise is a fool worth ignoring. happy parents have happy babies- no matter whether they stay home or don't.

i spent many MANY months beating myself up over loving my baby but hating the mommy i was (if that makes any sense) while my pnut was an infant. i found this forum and learned that no matter what, i'm the best mom for my girl and v/v, and that has made all the difference. as much as i loved her as my daughter then, i really didn't love a lot about infancy, but have loved so much more as she has grown. i needed to be away from her much more then than i do now. which i never would have predicted. i'll bet i'll love more about #2's infancy based on this experience.

heather, you are going to do so great! you and your husband just need some time to get used to the idea, and take things as they come. of course things are going to be different- i used to want to slap people who would say "oh may god, it's going to be SO DIFFERENT after the baby comes" like, 'no shit, what am i an idiot to not realize that a whole new completely dependent person with their own personality is going to change the dynamic of our lives? really?' but you're a smart girl and you guys are 1/2 way there with addressing it now. it really is awesome, but no amount of me or anyone else will convince you of that til it happens- even if it doesn't happen right away- just remember that this will be a good different. a really really good different.

***
wendy- you give me hope, we are expecting #2 during what *should* have been my graduation, now i'm thinking this paper is another year off before being done. dammit. we'll get there. congrats on both big events!

[pnuts mama]

one more thing- i want to give huge credit to the parents who admit that even after infertility issues they still went through this- if that doesn't show you how normal we all are then what could? i have heard this from friends of mine who then admit to an immense amount of guilt over that- and an irrational fear it will lead to something bad happening to the pg/baby/child someday (or blame themselves if something does happen).

having a child is huge! thanks to you who are brave enough to admit this, and know you are not alone.

[Dawn]

oh... I got married, pregnant, delivered and moved cross country in the span of 23 months. Feel your pain.

And I ordered a GIRL. And when that sonogram showed a BOY (and boy howdy did it) I spent the rest of the sonogram swallowing sobs.

So I'm in your camp of not always reacting like a Hallmark card. You are totally among friends.

[Jan]

OK, I usually try to read the other comments before I post my own, but I'm in the middle of a move and I just.don't.have.time. I can't pass this one by, though.

I got pregnant the first time by accident. And was still feeling very "oh shit"/ambivalent about it when I found out I'd miscarried. Guilt, anyone?

I lost one more after that and the third time it was so ridiculously intentional as to be comical. (We were in the middle of a move then, too, and I kid you not, I looked at our schedule and stopped the Hubby in the middle of the day to say, "if we want to make a baby this month, I think we need to have sex now." And they say romance is dead.) And yet I was so crabby and unenthusiastic about it when I actually turned up pregnant that you'd have thought I was the poster child for Kid-Free By Choice.

I did get over it, and by the time the baby came I was very excited to meet her, but everybody's experience is different. I have a cousin who recalls very specifically how guilty she felt that she had to kind of grow into that overwhelming love for her son; it wasn't an instant result of childbirth. With my first it was like a switch flipping (and I remember the exact moment -- it was during labor) and with my second it was more of a slow burn. Just like any relationships, the beginnings, middles and ends are different for every person and situation.

There is no wrong way to feel in this situation, and the more you can remember that, the better off you'll be.

And just one more data point: The first few months aren't the same for everyone either. I didn't find my sleep deprivation particularly debilitating -- I can recall telling people at the time that I'd had semesters in college that were worse. And I'm a person who's very energized by tasks that are right in front of me and need to be done right now, so I didn't find having a newborn that hard, either. There's no reason to just assume it's going to be terrible. Don't get me wrong, it might be sort of miserable, but it might not be, too.

I wish you the best. Whatever else it is, parenthood is always complicated. :)

[Shaynee]

I'll voice the sentiment that will definitely not win me mother-of-the-year honors: Can I imagine my life without children? Absolutely. Can I imagine my life without my daughter? Not at all. I've heard so many people say they can't imagine not being a mother. Well, I am one and I still can appreciate the vision of what my life would have been if my husband and I had chosen not to have children. But I can't imagine my life without my little girl. It may not seem like there is a distinction between those two thoughts, but there is. Parenthood has always inspired some ambivalence in me, but I do not doubt the love I feel for my 3-year-old daughter and the love I'm starting to feel for my 2-month-old son. (You'll notice I didn't include him in the "imagining life without" scenario above. That's not an indicator that I'm planning to return him, merely a reflection of the fact that I'm still getting to know him and adjusting to his presence in my life.)

Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Those emotions are all shades of normal.

Best of luck.

Shaynee

[laura]

I was so incredibly ambivalent that I practically had myself convinced that the pregnancy wouldn't survive to term. So....yeah, I feel ya.

But now...I can't even remember anymore what it was like going alone to the grocery store. I do know that it couldn't have nearly the adventure it is now.

You'll grow into it and some day you'll be telling your own success story on Moxie! :)

[Shelley]

Yes, to echo what some PP's are saying: the single hardest thing about parenthood IMO is the massive cognitive dissonence of simultanously feeling "I love you more than life itself" and "You are driving me batshit crazy." It still makes my head explode, and she's 4.

[Julie]

@Shaynee, I totally get what you're saying about being able to imagine my life without kids.....yet at the same time not be able to comprehend a world without Alex. How is that possible? Not sure. Further, with friends who don't have kids and are on the fence about drastically changing their lifestyle (battling the "I always wanted to have kids, but.....just not feeling like I want to disrupt my life but know my time is kinda running out" feelings) I tend toward the more "there's nothing wrong with not having kids" side - not because I think having a kid is awful - I love mine, love having him, love being with him blah blah blah....but that I so FULLY can visualize what their (amazing, awesome, stress-free, spontaneous, relaxing weekends/vacations) lives must be like that I can't bear for them to give it up. And yet, can't bear for them to not experience what it's like to have a child either.

It kind of f*cks you up for life. But in a good way. Really.

Like one of the PPs said....as a mother you are never really in ONE place at a time ever again. When you're with your child, you've got one foot at work/with friends/whatever, and when you're not with your child, you're constantly thinking about them, how they're doing, etc. no matter how much fun you're having without them. You really and truly are never really "alone" again, even when there is no one else in the room or in the house with you.

[strugi]

I had a terrible pregnancy, which included miscarrying a twin, almost three months of bedrest ending with an early induction and finally a c-section.

My son's birthday is tomorrow. I remember lying on the table with them holding him up to me and thinking that I had no idea what to say or feel or how to act. During our time at the hospital I learned how to take care of him and the nurses were wonderful and took great care of me (as did my husband), but I still did not feel that magical bond.

I am not sure when it happened-it was more of a slow transformation than an immediate smack. The good side is that now I suspect that I will continue to love him more with each passing day. He is already turning into an amazing little person whom I like as well as love.

It is insane how it works, I have a crazy job that I love and a little man whom I love and they complement each other well.

It will be hard, but you will do well.

[Maura]

Oh. Ambivalence would have been nice. Feelings of doubt would have been good. Anything but the down and out dread I felt would have been fine.

We got married in June of 2005, had our impulsive moment (or two...) in July, and had our son in March of 2006. In the time between, I applied to vet school and was accepted. In Michigan. Only Michigan. We were living in Pennsylvania at the time. All of our family was in PA. It was absolutely terrifying.

I hated being pregnant. The "butterfly" feeling that everybody describes for feeling the first movements felt more like a mouse trying to scratch its way out of me. I felt fat, sick, tired, constipated, you name it. I shed so many tears. I remember one night in particular when I just totally lost it. I was about 30 weeks, had worked all day in the lab, and got home to a rejection letter from my top choice vet school. I sobbed uncontrollably for probably 3 hours. I felt like life was doing its best to beat me down and I had no way to fight back. I knew the was *supposed* to be the happiest time of my life and I just couldn't make myself happy about the baby. At all.

After a relatively easy L&D I cried as my doctor put my son on my chest. Our doctor told me later at my 6wk check-up that he loves it when the parents shed "tears of joy" (his words). Well, my tears were mostly of the relief and terror variety. Strange mix, I know, but that's what I felt at the time.

It took my husband and I a long time to adjust to being parents. I didn't love my son at first. I didn't have a great support system close to me - my older sister who would have been the best help to me had had her 3rd son exactly one week before ours. BUT now I love him more than I could possibly have imagined. I sometimes have to actually restrain myself from squeeeeeeezing him!

Argh. I've just been rambling. I guess I just want to say that life can throw you some curves, and you just have to go with it, sometimes. Heck, I love my son so much now I'm working on talking my husband into another one WHILE I'M IN SCHOOL. And I'm sure if we go through with that plan I'll be absolutely terrified from the moment I pee on that stick until - well, probably until the kids are all long gone and I'm an old lady.

[Shandra]

I only had a chance to skim the other comments so here goes, sorry for any repetition.

Becoming a parent does change your life, but it doesn't change who you are. The things you enjoy now you will probably keep enjoying. There is a definite cultural story, true for some and not for others, that you have a child and suddenly, WHAMMO, you don't want to work again, etc. That has not been the case for me. I love my son, but I also love my job, and it is possible to balance both.

Second the good stuff is so very VERY good. You know when you fall in love and you realize "I want to spend THE FUTURE with this person?" and then the future suddenly looks totally different, but wonderful?

When you have a child, all of a sudden, your future always includes that person, and as you start to get to know them, it makes everything new again.

[katie]

I got married; a year later we moved half the world away and I got a good job. After a month after we moved I got pregnant. I had my son in July and would not change it for the world. I've since had to quit my job (very recently) which I hated because they were awesome to me during my pregnancy and I got 12 100% paid weeks off for maternity leave, but I found a better opportunity with a nice pay increase, better hours and no commute. I really think things work out.

I LOVE my son with such a love I can't describe. I've had my days, believe me. As long as you have a strong partnership with your hubby, I think things will be okay (with some work of course).

Good luck and take care

[Kait]

It wasn't until I got our baby home that I thought that we had made a mistake! There were a few times that I was really close to loading her up into the car and taking her back to the hospital. That was almost 6 months ago, and I get all choked up just THINKING about life with out her.

Pregnancy is hard. Getting help from a therapist is such a smart idea, one that I wish that I would have had! :) In the end? You'll be so happy you did it, and most likely you'll want to do it again! :)

Good luck, heather!

[Alecia]

I hated being pregnant and prayed for a miscarriage during the first trimester. I remember taking long hikes (with my DH) to try to lift my spirits and CRYING the entire time. We planned for the pregnancy, and conceived immediately, so there was no real waiting time between the decision and the outcome! So it all happened very, very fast -- at the tail end of a big move to another state and my starting a brand new career (not just job).
I saw a therapist in my first trimester and it helped a lot. She helped me to figure out that this was less about the baby and more about my having to incorporate a new identity into who I was. There was no way to anticipate being a mother (I had never even desired children), but there were ways of beginning to think about myself as someone who is capable of change and who can succeed no matter what. My therapist helped me to understand that I can draw on my past experiences to provide some hope that I can adapt, I can adjust, I can figure it out, and that I WILL BE OKAY.
She was right.
I won't go into the abstract stuff about love and emotions for my son (who is now almost 3, and I'm pregnant with the second and still don't like pregnancy much); however, I will say that I marvel daily about how I have grown as a person by embracing change and ambivalence and doubt rather than attempting to control it all. Pregnancy and becoming a mom helped me to do that -- no job, no spouse, no new city did.
YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT, AND IT WILL BE OKAY.
Keep us posted, Heather.

[Erica]

I'm due in less than a month, and I'm still not entirely excited by the whole thing. I got pregnant two weeks after having a miscarriage on Mother's Day--so there was a lot of anxiety and fear at the beginning of the 2nd pregnancy, and I think it's still the reason I'm not letting myself get too excited about meeting our new little boy. I was also glad to read that other women hated being pregnant because I definitely am not loving the experience. And really, if one more person tells me how tired I'm going to be after the baby is born..... I would absolutely recommend a therapist. I've been seeing one for a few months and it's my luxury, to have an hour to talk to someone about whatever I want. It's helped so much to put things in perspective and to reframe my thinking about things.

Good luck with everything!

[Erica]

I just remembered something else I wanted to mention in my previous comment(that's one of the things I hate about being pregnant--I seem to have about 2 functioning brain cells). My husband and I took Bradley Method birth classes, which I can't recommend enough. Because of these classes, we re-evaluated how we wanted to have the birth because we know that I'm not a good hospital patient and that neither of us were particularly comfortable with the medicalization of birth. We finally decided to switch to a midwife and have a home birth. While this places more responsibility on us, it will also allow us to have a more relaxed experience which we think will help me a lot post-partum. Home birth isn't for everyone, but there are other alternatives to hospitals and there is a fair amount of research showing that mental health outcomes are better for non-hospital births.

[hedra]

Good resource for the pesky care and birth questions (including during pregnancy) - Evidence-based medicine ROCKS: childbirthconnection.com

Plenty of things to think about there... whenever you are ready to think about them. No rush. But hard data is hard to come by, and at least there they split out what is done because it is done, and what is done because research supports doing it, and what is not done even though it is well-supported by quality research.

[Maureen]

Hi.. just chiming in (a little late). I was one of those people that did fertility FOREVER (close to 7 years +) so we really wanted a baby. Luckily, I got pregnant with twins. So scared the whole pregnancy that it wasn't going to happen and it was going to be taken away from me that I never enjoyed the pregnancy. Had the babies, beautiful and perfect little boys. Didn't connect. Completely stressed that something was wrong with me for wanting this so bad and then not feeling the amazing joy/love everyone talks about (made it harded that my husband, who I thought wouldn't have that connection, immediately fell in love with his boys). Talked to my doctor, he said it was completely normal but I still felt so guilty. For the first 2 months or so, I was sooo scared to be by myself with my babies.

Move on to 2+ years from then, I can't imagine loving two beings any more than I do. It scares me - sometimes I don't think I have any more room for my husband. I think Amy put it so nicely. I'll try to add a couple other thoughts as well... Being a mom has made me a MUCH stronger person. I've had to stand up for things when in the past I might have backed down or avoided them. I've become amazingly effecient. I'm a better employee and a worse employee at the same time. My emotions in general are definitely stronger (across the board - happy, sad, etc.).

Just this last Monday (MLK day), we had childcare coverage but both my husband and I had the day off. So, we took advantage and went to breakfast just the two of us... felt like such a treat but at the same time I couldn't wait to get home.

Also, easy for me to say (as I am not really a person that has been able to implement this - maybe just not my style - but a lot of my friends have and it really can be true), make sure the baby joins your family/your life rather than you life changing for the baby. The baby (and I think it would be much easier with a singleton for this to be true) will adapt to your life.

Lastly, totally 100% think the therapy is an AWESOME idea. I had a couple years of therapy while I was trying to get pregnant and it was an amazing base from which to draw when things were rough during the pregnancy and after (I wasn't able to afford or find the time to keep going once I got pregnant but so wish sometimes I could go back to my therapist one of these days).

Good luck, Heather. I think it says great things about you that you are reaching out and talking about things now.

[Anon]

I just wanted to thank everyone for posting. I am in the first few weeks of an unexpected pregnancy and I not only feel weird about the whole thing, I feel weird about feeling weird. I have kids already, but the experiences of a planned, desperately longed for pregnancy and a "holy sh*t, how did I end up in the 2%?" pregnancy are so vastly different, and not in a good way.
When I told one friend how shell-shocked I was, she told me about a friend of hers who'd spent the first two months of her fourth pregnancy crying. And I liked that story, because I was crying as I drove to work after finding out. But then she felt the need to tell me how happy her friend is now that kid #4 is here, and I just wanted to scream. I'm not ready for the "Chin up, you'll be happy" stories. I'm liking the "I freaked out and stayed freaked out for a good long time" stories, because that's what I can relate to right now.

[anothermother]

I've been there! My husband had just graduated from college and we moved to a different state to live WITH HIS PARENTS(!) while we looked for jobs and decided where to settle. We had no health insurance and no plans of starting a family anytime soon. I found out I was pregnant (while on bc!) and was scared to death! How irresponsible did we look living in my in-laws basement, unemployed, and without health insurance?! I remember just after we found out I laid in bed every night and stressed and worried all night long. I was not ready to have a baby, I was not ready to give up my sleep, I was not ready to grow up. This is terrible but I even thought, "if I have a miscarriage it would be sad but I would be okay with it." Horrible, I know! Slowly throughout the pregnancy I warmed up to the idea (it helps to know the gender, see the u/s, go shopping for baby stuff, etc.). A few weeks after he was born my husband and I just looked at each other and said can you believe we didn't want this little guy?! It totally changes your life and as much as it is scary and huge and life changing--it is so worth it. All your feelings are totally normal. I think the biggest thing to know is that it doesn't matter how much you know about babies now--it will be your baby and your it's mother and instinctually (is that a word?) you will just know how to care for him/her--it's amazing! Good luck and lots of hugs. It's a scary and exciting time!

[Kelley]

Hi there- I am glad that found this thread. I am 18 weeks pregnant and freaking out. I got a new job last year where I am a contractor. I was able to get benefits thru my state.. but just all the finances and trying to make sure that I am a good mommy.. I think it's all just so overwhelming I too was thinking that I need to go talk to someone who can help me get thru this time.. I am 36 and my first baby!

YIKES!

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[Lane]

I've been poking around on your site for the past couple weeks anonymously. I've looked at a lot of site, and this one, both Moxie and readers, has provided me the most moments of comfort I've felt in the 2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant. Married, 36, professional NY woman. I've resumed antidepressants; the downward spiral since the "+" sign was quick and frightening. I've tried to convince my husband to let me abort. (He's so happy about this, it's driving me nuts, and I feel so angry at him for making me go through this. And then I feel guilty for not being able to share in his joy, instead stomping on it.) He, rightly so, wants me to wait a few weeks, let the idea settle in. I have moments where I feel OK about this at best. Mostly scared, anxious, angry, guilty, resentful. But still somehow knowing I'll be a good mom. Is that crazy? I just can't imagine how this will all work out.

[Lane]

I've been poking around on your site for the past couple weeks anonymously. I've looked at a lot of site, and this one, both Moxie and readers, has provided me the most moments of comfort I've felt in the 2 weeks since I found out I was pregnant. Married, 36, professional NY woman. I've resumed antidepressants; the downward spiral since the "+" sign was quick and frightening. I've tried to convince my husband to let me abort. (He's so happy about this, it's driving me nuts, and I feel so angry at him for making me go through this. And then I feel guilty for not being able to share in his joy, instead stomping on it.) He, rightly so, wants me to wait a few weeks, let the idea settle in. I have moments where I feel OK about this at best. Mostly scared, anxious, angry, guilty, resentful. But still somehow knowing I'll be a good mom. Is that crazy? I just can't imagine how this will all work out.